And from chaos shall come out creation
by SoFrost
Summary: Catherine finds out Sara is somehow involved in her daughter's life, she chains up bad moves, Lindsey runs away, Chaos sets in... CS
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything but those poor words...

**Summary:** Catherine finds out Sara is somehow involved in her daughter's life, she chains up bad moves, Lindsey runs away, Chaos sets in... C/S

**AN**: Hi everyone, here is my first fic ever. It's slash Cath/Sara, so if you don't like it, don't read. I'd like to apologise for my spelling and grammar mistakes but english isn't my native language (Sorry...I'm french). Reviews are welcome - positives and negatives. Thanks for reading, I hope you'll enjoy it (hopefully it won't be as bad as the summary...)

So

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**And from Chaos shall come out Creation…**

**Chapter 1 : Sara**

Sometimes I just hate my job. Seeing what human beings are able to do just disgust me. So much that sometimes I'm so ashamed to be human.

Today I nailed a guy who was having fun humiliating people and then killing them. He would undress them, tie their hands in their back and force to act like they were nothing but dogs. Then when he wouldn't be entertained anymore he would simply kill them. But in a slow, painful way so he could watch the fear, the hurt pass through their eyes. When I asked him why he did all those things his answer was _"because I could"_.

Because he could. That's it. He ruined twelve lives of peoples he didn't even know, twelve peoples that he had chosen randomly just to pass the time! Isn't it beautiful folks? I tell you, I'm bored today so let's kill some people to have fun! Where's the humanity in all this? How can those things happen in civilized countries? How? I just don't get it…

I was so mad that I went to the gymnasium in order to punch a bag just as hard as I could. So I won't keep anger or disgust for human beings inside.

Then I thought about all the things that make it worth. My friends, my job – no matter what I say, it worth it cause we can give the victims and their families the peace that they deserve.

And then I thought about her. About how alive she makes me feel. She doesn't know it but she makes me feel alive, she challenges me, she impresses me with her personality, sometimes she irritates me – well, most of the time but… anyway, her beauty just leaves me weak, and the feelings that are raging inside me because of her just remind me how very alive I am. Love is a too tiny word to begin to describe what I feel for her.

Too bad she hates me, I guess.

I also thought about that long lost friendship that I miss so much with him, that friendship that would have kept me grounded a little more. But then I stopped thinking about it because it only brought me pain and made me depressed.

I decide a while ago that it was time to move on and let the past rest where it is, in the past.

xxxxx

"Sara"

I try to focus on the forensic magazine I'm reading, try to pretend I didn't just hear my name.

"Sara"

Well obviously I have to face it. I turn around to look at this man. The one who used to broke my heart with few words. The one I used to love, or so I thought. Now he's looking at me like he's expecting something, if I only knew what…

"You wanted something?" I ask him.

"I just wanted to know if you were ok" he answered.

There was a time where I would have been touched with his concern. But that time is over and now I just feel like he's checking up on me just because he feels like he has to. Since my DUI and since I told him about my past he feels like he has to protect me. It just makes me mad because I'm not a poor little girl in distress who needs a knight in shinning armour. I gave him many chances to be the one who would appease my fears or just be there next to me to affront a day. He refused the post, for many reasons that I can understand at some point. But the fact is that he refused. He even crashed our friendship to preserve himself in spite of the price to pay for it – which was me suffering for his own safety. Now I have moved on, so I just can't stand when he oversteps the boss/employee relationship limits to try to fit a part in my life.

"Well I'm fine thank you" I smile to him, thinking that maybe he'll leave me alone soon.

"Are you sure, I know the case we just closed shook you up…anyway you know that I'm here for you if you need to talk or anything"

"I know Griss and I appreciate it, but like I said I'm fine" and that's no lie I am fine.

Now he looks nervous like he has some bad news or like he knew that whatever he was about to say wouldn't please me.

"Shift is over in ten minutes and…"

"I know and I won't do any overtime don't worry" I cut him off.

"Well actually I was about to say something else… I was wandering if you would have a breakfast with me" he blurts out so quickly that I feel like my ears are playing tricks on me. But the look on his face tells me that I've heard him well. God I can't believe him! And he was right I don't like what I hear, in fact I'm mad at him, but I'm kind enough not to show it.

"Oh" I'm trying to win time before blowing him off with diplomacy. "Well, I don't think it would be a good idea so… no"

"I know I have made mistakes in the past and even if I'd like to repair those, I can't. To be honest I miss our friendship…"And here I thought that he couldn't hurt me anymore, I was wrong obviously.

"Grissom…" I start.

"Sara, I acknowledge my mistakes and my responsibility for our strained relationship over those last years, and I am sincere when I say that I miss our friendship. I'm asking you one last chance to be the friend I used to be. And you have my word that I won't fail you again and if I do, I guarantee you that I will offer no resistance when you kill me."

I can't help but smile at this, it's like my best friend was coming home after a long trip. I look into his eyes and I know that despite the hurt he feels for being condemned to only be my friend and nothing more, there is a genuine desire to make everything right again. The desire to move on, and if I'm reluctant to give him that chance, I have to be honest with myself I miss my old friend.

"You do realise that your death will be very painful and that no one will be able to solve it, right?" I ask him with a serious face.

"I know" he says with a fake terrified look

"_This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day you canst not be false to any man._" I quote Shakespeare, and I can see in his eyes that he his surprised and a little scared as to what the truth will be. Because it's now that I give him the second chance he's asking me or shut him out of my life forever and we both know it.

"I miss our friendship too" I finally say. I can see relief passing through him. And for the first time since I don't know when he gives me a genuine smile. And I smile back because it feels good to put everything in order again.

"So breakfast it is" he says, he looks happy like he just received a new tarantula.

"Yup" even if I'm glad to be back to normal so to speak I'm willing to take baby steps in this new friendship so I say "We should propose Greg and Sofia because it's been a long night"

I can see that he understands the reasons behind my request, so he accepts without complaining. "You said it"

xxxxx

So here we are at a diner, having fun – yes I said fun, talking about funny cases, about movies and everything that cross our mind. We laugh so much when Greg's speaking about the job, that I think we're all about to wet our pants. I'm really feeling good, like I was having breakfast with my family. And then it hit me. Three members of this family are missing. So complete and yet so empty, that's how this picture feels.

We're about to get ready to leave when my cell phone rings.

"Sidle"

"_Hey Sara, it's Cake_". the voice said.

I smile immediately as I recognize the voice on the other end. It feels so good to hear that voice that has come to mean so much to me.

"Hey how are you doing? Wait a sec, hold on."

I put some bills on the table and we start to leave the diner. I give my goodbye to my friends and colleagues and direct myself to my car.

"You're still there?" I ask.

"_Sure thing_". she answers.

"Sorry about that…So how are you doing?" I ask again. Now that I'm sitting in my car I can focus entirely on our conversation.

"_Well not really good but it's okay I guess" _I can hear in her voice that she's holding back something but I never push her so she always come to me when she's ready_. "What about you?_" she asks to put the topic at rest for now.

"I'm fine actually. Hey Cake, do you want to go to the library today so we can see each other, talk and have fun?" I ask enthusiastically.

"_I'd really love to but mom won't let me leave my donjon. She is such a pain lately_".

"Cake we already talked about it didn't we?" I warn.

"_Yeah I know, I know sorry, it's just that lately everything goes the wrong way_." I think she's about to cry and somewhere it worries me.

It's my cue give her an exit and fast before she starts doing things that will get her in trouble again. Before we started to chat on the internet, she had a day like that, a 'not really good but ok' day. Since we didn't find time to talk she hitchhiked out of frustration. So now I always find a way for her to speak to me.

"Look, I'm on my way home, I think I'll be there in fifteen minutes, so why don't you connect yourself so we can chat a while?"

"_It'd be great, but I know you've just finished working so if you're tired I'll understand, so if you need to…_" she's a little more enthusiast already.

"Hey what did I told you, anytime you need me I'm here for you no matter what" I cut her off. And so far I kept my word.

"_Yes I know, thank you_" she says.

"You more than welcome. Ok so give me twenty minutes and I'll be back at you. Bye Linds"

"_Ok bye Sara_" and with that, I hang up and start to drive to my place.

It's funny how things evolve. Lindsey and I have become close friends. Actually I think she's one of my closest friends in spite of her age. But she is very mature for a twelve year old – almost thirteen – girl. And we really have good talks together, and good times. Too bad we can't see each other much, mostly because Catherine doesn't know about this. For my defence I would just say that she hates me and I'm sure that she doesn't want me anywhere near her let alone her daughter, and seeing how worse our relationship has become, I'm pretty sure that if she knew she would flay me alive.

Then Linds has always called me on the back of her mom so to speak. At the beginning she didn't tell her because she was talking about her father's death and she thought Catherine would be upset. I remember the first call, it was during Eddie's case, I had gave her my numbers and told her that she could call me anytime for anything.

After a few months she has started to call me now and then. Then she always called me whenever she had a fight with Catherine and then she called me whenever she wanted some comfort when her mother wasn't around. I think it's been eight months now since she's been calling me on regular basis, since we've started to interact on regular basis.

She always ended the conversation asking me not to tell her mom, after a while it went without saying so I respect her wish since we weren't doing anything wrong. And as the time past by she never told her mother, we talked about it and somewhere I think she want to keep our friendship apart from her mother because it's something special for her, a sort of exit from her family, I respect that. And I told her that if she wanted to tell her mother that was fine with me, but I think that she's in a time of her life where she needs something unrelated with her family, some kind of secret garden.

Also since calling was a bit difficult when she was grounded I gave her my e-mail, so we could chat and even my address if she wanted to write to me when she was on holidays or when she couldn't speak of what bothered her.

xxxxx

I arrived home fifteen minutes after the call. I took time to change clothes into something more comfortable. I've turned my computer on.

Now here I am chatting with Linds about everything and nothing, mostly about how things are at school. Right now she's telling me about the boys on her class, as for myself I'm preparing the ground for a more delicate topic: math.

_**Babycake**: I can't believe how much boys are stupid!_

_**Blackprint**: lol… tell me about it!_

Babycake, I don't know why that nickname. I called her that way over the phone during our very first conversation, and with time it stuck. Most of the time I would call her Cake though. That's our thing; I know I'm the only one to call her that way. It's one of the precious things of her friendship.

_**Babycake**: well I'm glad to be a girl!_

_**Blackprint**: yeah girls rule! _

Ok, time for business has come. Here goes nothing.

_**Blackprint**: by the way how did your math test go?_

I've just killed the mood I can feel it, just as I can feel that the answer won't please me.

_**Babycake**: …_

_**Blackprint**: Cake, tell me you did work on it…_

_**Babycake**: well I could, but… I won't because the key word of our friendship is honesty…._

_**Blackprint**: you do realise that I'm as far from happy as one could be right now…_

_**Babycake**: yeah I know but it was too hard and I couldn't understand half of it…I guess I just keep on disappointing people lately_

I berate myself for making her feel guilty. Sometimes it's hard to be her friend, because sometimes I almost feel like her mother. As an example, I always try not to remind her how important school is, because she knows it well. But the fact is that even if we're friend I'm an adult and as such I have to act like it. I mean I know that I can influence her and that she could take me as a reference, so I have to show her the right way, I guess.

_**Blackprint**: I'm not disappointed, just not happy…we already talked about it, you should have asked me to help you with your math instead of dropping it. I told you once and tell you again I am here. _

_**Babycake**: I know, I'm sorry_

_**Blackprint**: there's nothing to be sorry for…but you know that as your friend I have to tell you what's right and what's not. No hard feelings?_

_**Babycake**: yeah don't worry._

_**Blackprint**: cool : )….But just so you know we're going to do all the maths together this week. I'll take a day off for it._

_**Babycake**: Great I'm ecstatic : (_

_**Blackprint**: yeah I have no doubts about it ; )_

Ok, the first problem has been solved. That's what I like about our friendship, it's based on honesty, trust, and it's sane and fun. One of our habits is meeting at the library, there I would spend some time with her helping her with her homework, and I would open her mind to literature. Then we would talk more and more until her aunt came to take her home. I would spend some more time at the library before going home, looking for a good book to make her discover. I cherish those times because their relaxing and really entertaining.

Now the second problem is however something else.

_**Blackprint**: ok so now that it's fixed, tell me how you're doing. _

_**Babycake**: I don't know… not so good. Mom hates me, I miss my dad and school bores me._

_**Blackprint**: school can be boring sometimes but it can be fun and you know it. Look at us we're having fun while doing your homework aren't we?_

_**Babycake**: fair point._

For a moment she doesn't say anything, I wonder if she's gone or not.

_**Blackprint:** You want to talk about your father?_

I won't lie, this is not my favorite topic, but this is not about me and if she wants to talk about it, as a friend I owe her to listen.

_**Babycake:** Not really... besides there's not much to say... I just miss him a lot._

_**Blackprint: **I know it's hard, believe me I do. If you need anything just say so._

_**Babycake: **yeah I know...The hardest part is with my mom, I feel like she hates me..._

_**Blackprint**: now your mother doesn't hate you and you know it. She can be really tough sometimes but she certainly doesn't hate you._

I might not have the greatest relationship with Catherine but there's one thing I'm sure of is that she loves her daughter more than her own life or her job for that matter. Hell she nearly strangled the pink-haired lady who had left Lindsey in the car that was sinking!

I can understand Lindsey's teenage angst, and her difficulties to communicate with her mother. But I have to keep on reminding her that what she has is a gift and that her mother do loves her.

_**Babycake**: sometimes I doubt it and I have good reasons to do so. First she's never around or almost and when she is it's only to tell me how much my behaviour disappoints her, or just to screamed at me for stupid things. She's always angry for a thing or another. I know that sometimes I don't act well, but that's because I found it was the only way for her to notice me. Sometimes it's just like I was invisible…_

_**Blackprint**: Did you try to tell her that?_

_**Babycake**: yeah! She barely pays attention to me let alone listens to me. She doesn't have time for anything but her precious job._

Ouch. That's hard. Teenage angst, indeed. Well let's try to pass the storm…

_**Blackprint**: I think you have trouble to communicate, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you. I know that sometimes it's hard to express what you feel but you have to give it a try. And most of all, you have to try to stay cool. And maybe when you don't scream at each other you will be able to talk and get along. It will take a little time but it worth it._

_**Babycake**: you might be right._

_**Blackprint:** she loves you no matter what happens, no matter what she says or does, she will always love you. And that's what you have to keep in mind. So try to tell her how you feel, it'll help._

_**Babycake**: all right I will_

_**Blackprint**: promise?_

One thing I am proud of is that Lindsey always keeps her word, also when she says that she will try I have no doubt that she will. We never lie to each other no matter what the truth is, that's the rule number one of our relationship. Now if I can get her to accept the promise then we will start to see the sun again.

_**Babycake**: you set me up!_

_**Blackprint**: me? Never ; p…so what do you say?_

Indeed I did, in so far as I put it as an opened question and not a statement. I know it was an evil trick. She just can't deny me, just as I can't deny her.

_**Babycake**: yeah promise._

_**Blackprint**: good._

_**Babycake**: I'll get you back for this though… _

_**Blackprint**: ooooh I'm scared… :D_

Well we aren't out of the forest yet with that topic but at least we're moving. I did my part now, all that is left for me is to expect things to go for the best and not the worst.

_**Babycake**: Sorry but I've got to go, lunch's ready._

_**Blackprint**: ok, I'll let you know for the library._

_**Babycake**: I almost forgot…almost_

_**Blackprint**: good thing I have a memory_

_**Babycake**: :(_

_**Blackprint**: giggles_

_**Babycake**: thank you, for everything._

_**Blackprint**: no problem, keep me posted._

_**Babycake**: sure thing. Bye and take care._

_**Blackprint**: you too Cake. ; )_

And with that we leave each other. As for me I'm so tired that I'm going to have a long bath and then I'll head to my bed. What I like about my friendship with Lindsey, it's the fact that it always remind me that's there are things that worth it in spite of everything.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Catherine**

There she goes. My twelve years old daughter. She's growing up so fast, and I'm barely there to see it. She's shutting me out of her life I can feel it. We don't speak to each other like we used to. Since Eddie's death we're drifting apart, a little more everyday. With the split of the team and my promotion I have even less time to see her. I just hate my job sometimes. I just hate being put aside from her life.

I wish I could communicate with her. That would be a great start. Actually, it's just like we were speaking two different languages, and in the end the only thing that's coming out of our 'talks' are screams, bad feelings and more screams. In the end I feel like I was a bad mother. And I hate myself for it. When we don't actually scream at each other we don't speak at all, which is, in my opinion, even worst. And I hate myself a little more for not being able to reach out for her.

I miss my daughter. I miss the easy talks about everything and nothing, the gossip from her school. I miss the physical contacts that convey love without words. I miss our relationship. Now she just runs into her room whenever I get home, she barely speaks to me or just to tell me 'whatever', most of the time she ignores me, she dismisses my touch and just stirs whenever I'm less than a meter from her. How things got that bad? What have I done wrong? How can I get her back?

I just don't know.

As everyday we actually manage to spend together, we eat silently in our corner. As every time I'm going to try to talk to her, try to make her talk to me, and as every time she will just blow me off. But I keep on trying, hoping that this time will be different.

I watch her as she ignores me, take a deep breathe before facing her teenage angst. Well , here goes nothing.

"So, how was school this week?" I ask her as casually as possible.

"Not bad I guess" her eyes are fixed in her plate. I guess I should be happy, she's receptive.

"Did you have new grades?" she thinks for a moment sighs heavily and looks at me. Somehow I know I'm not going to enjoy her answer.

"Look, I've failed my math test but the rest is good"

I should be mad at this. She is smart, and brilliant when she wants to be. But I won't scream at her now because we are having a conversation and so far it's been three minutes without shouting at each other, so let's keep the luck on our side.

"Math has never been my specialty but I can get you a teacher to help you if you think it's necessary."

"No, it's ok, I've already sorted it out. I'm going to the library this week to work on it with my friend." She smiles at me. We're moving forward at last.

"How are your friends?" she stirs at this. As if she was hiding something.

"They're fine" she answers quickly. Too quickly.

"Is everything ok?" I'm pushing I know but I'm her mother and I need to know if something's wrong.

"Yeah" she's holding back something.

"I miss daddy" she says with a soft voice. Each time she talks about him I feel like a knife was diving into my heart. Eddie. At some point of my life he was the best thing that ever happened to me. But then time showed me that he was the greatest mistake of my life the only good thing he has ever done was to give me my daughter. When she talks about it, it's like she was telling me that I wasn't a good mother enough, because he gave her anything she wanted and I don't. I know she doesn't mean it that way, that's just how I feel.

"I know" my voice is thick with emotions. I've never been Eddie's best fan, but it was her father and if she wants to talk about her feelings about his death, well I'll just clench my teeth and listen to her.

"Sometimes I keep on…" oh Lord no! Damn technology! She was opening herself to me again until that stupid phone rang.

"Willows" she's pissed I can see it. "I'll be there in twenty minutes" She just stands up and leaves the table. Not without shooting daggers at me with her eyes before.

I hang up and go looking for her.

" Linds…" I start.

"Yeah you have to go I know, your precious job is waiting for you" she cuts me off with a poisonous voice. We just took a step backward again.

"It's really important otherwise I would stay..."

"Whatever." She cuts me off and with that she starts to ignore me again, getting her belongings ready to go to her aunt.

I wait for several minutes, trying to find a way to make her talk to me again, but I can see that it's not going to happen so I turn and start to leave her room. That's when she drops the bomb.

"I wish daddy was still alive" There it is. She's said it. I hate it when she gets nuclear on me, when she uses her father to push my buttons. God, she's good at it.

"Yeah, because your father was such a perfect man" I shouldn't talk about Eddie that way but I can't help it. Even dead he still has the good part. I look at Lindsey and I know that with that last comment I just unleash a hell of a storm. No backtracking, the only option is to stand fast and count the points. It's going to be really bad I can feel it.

"Well at least he was there for me" she spits out. Ouch, ball in my camp, let's keep it cool, let's try to kill the monster as it is still possible.

"I am here for you too and you know it" I keep my voice as calm as possible, I don't want her to know that her barb has hit home.

"Yeah, thirty minutes a day… Some mother you are!" That one was below the belt.

"Watch your tone young lady!" I'm screaming now. Oh I am mad. Mad and hurt. I know I won't be able to keep it together for long.

"Or what? You will actually take the time to be mad at me? Oh no, I forgot, you can't because you have to be at work in fifteen minutes!" She replies with defiance and sarcasm.

There she just put me on my knees. I can feel the tears burning my eyes and threatening to fall. I put all the strength I have left to keep them from falling in front of her. My voice is playing tricks on me, I want to answer but I just can't. I look into her eyes and I just see anger, anger toward me.

"Lindsey…" I start but fail. She looks a bit guilty. She stops a split second as if to know if she should give me the finishing stroke. Then her angry glare comes back screaming 'no mercy' and she just finishes me off.

"Whatever. We should go because we wouldn't want you to be late now, would we?" With that she heads out of the house goes waiting for me in the car. I want to scream, I want to hit walls hard, I want to cry. I can't take it anymore, I feel like I was slowly drowning.

The drive to my sister is mercifully short. The tension is unbearable, and each minute of silence is a torture because I'm falling apart and I'm about to break down.

She is looking at her feet for what feels an eternity, and then she starts to exit the car without looking at me. She pauses and says "Have a nice day" between her clenched teeth. Her words are full of venom and anger. The door slams shut before I can reply; I watch her entering my sister's house and start to drive. Few meters away I stop the car and start to cry myself out. She hates me and thinks I'm a bad mother.

I hate myself.

xxxxx

I'm in the parking lot and I try to compose myself a bit before getting out of the car. It' going to be a long day and God has mercy for anyone who gets on my way. I am in a killing mood.

I get to the restroom and splash some water over my face. Then I head to the locker room to change myself. It's empty and I'm glad for it because I can't face anyone just yet. I sit on the bench for a moment, I'm so lost in my thoughts that I miss Sara coming in. I lift my head up and see her, she looks at me with I don't know, concern?

We never got along and each of us is to blame, well mostly I am to blame but I assume it. She has always made me lose my balance, every time I'm near her my emotions are just going crazy, the chaos sets itself inside of me and I can't stand it so I keep her at a arm length with nasty comments.

She doesn't say anything as I ignore her stare. I open my locker and find a picture of Lindsey and me in each other's arms smiling, happy. And my tears start to fall again and I can't stop myself from sobbing.

I can feel strong arms surrounding me and for a moment I lost myself in the embrace, mindless that it's Sara. I sneak my arms around her waist and tighten the grip as if my life depended on it, because for now it's the only thing that's keeping me grounded. She doesn't say anything just tighten her hold on me. For a moment I feel safe, nothing can hurt me, everything is fine. It's like time has stopped, and I wish for a second that I could stay here for ever, but I have to let go and face the world.

I loose my grip on her and she turns her head and looks at me straight in the eyes, I feel vulnerable and bare but at the same time I feel surrounded with warmth of tenderness and more. And there, the world just disappears as I lost myself in her eyes. It's like she was conveying all her strength and a powerful feeling that I can't quite name to me, but it makes me feel invincible. She smiles at me as she caresses my cheek with her soft hand taking my tears away and then she lets me go, knowing that I'll be ok for now. She gives my forehead a tender kiss and with that she just grabs her stuff and exits the locker room.

I affront my day with a new serenity and the feeling that I can take the world. All that thanks to Sara, no less.

xxxxx

Weeks pass without any new fight with Lindsey, but she's ignoring me again and it hurts me a little more everyday. I spend all my time wondering how I could fix things between us. The more the time passes and the more difficult it becomes, I know it.

As I'm reading the details of the phone bill, a number catches my attention, I don't know why. I know I'm not the one who called it, so it has to be Lindsey. As much as I know my daughter's friend this isn't one of their numbers so it intrigues me. Apparently, she calls it on regular basis. I don't know why but the number just rings a bell on my head and my curiosity wins. I take my phone and start to dial the numbers after to two rings I got my answer.

"_Sidle_"

What the hell? I'm petrified, why Lindsey would call Sara? What Sara could tell her?

"_Sidle_" she repeats. "_Hello?_" I just hang up on her. My head is spinning. I start to think about the meanings of that. So many 'why' are wrestling in my head, so many questions. I need answers, I could ask Lindsey but for that I have to get her to speak to me which is not anytime soon. No I decide to go to the source.

I'm thinking fast and some thought is nagging in the back of my head. She has set Lindsey against me. She hates me, so she uses my daughter to get me. That figures. No wonder Lindsey is avoiding me, Sara set her up against me!! What a pathetic bitch!! When I think about the moment we had in the locker room my stomach lurches. What a hypocrite! How could I have been so naïve?!

My adrenaline kicks in as I drive to the lab. I'm going to rip her apart. Something's got to give.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 : Sara**

It's been a night. Or more precisely it's been two hells of nights. I just put a triple. Well at least our hard work has been rewarded as we have caught the bad guy. Still, I'm beat all I want is going home have long hot bath and have a long restful night.

Those last weeks I've been thinking about her almost all the time. God I've got it bad. We had a moment in the locker room. I don't know why – well at the time I didn't, later Cake had told me what happened – but she just broke down. I didn't even think and I took her in my arms, what a feeling, for a moment there was nothing but us. We fit well together, and I wanted nothing more but staying like that for ever. I've tried to convey my love for her without words and I think that for a second she knew. I've left her before I could give into the temptation to kiss her. Well technically I didn't resist because I kissed her head but still I've avoided making a fool of myself.

As I walk toward the locker room I see her in the all. As we speak of the devil…

She's coming to me and she looks at me with a lot of anger if not hate. Not quite what I expected. And honestly I start to feel a little scared. She grabs my arm with force and starts digging her nails in it, I can feel my skin protested at the pain. I hiss at the sensation and before I can tell anything she says with a menacing voice "We need to talk".

She's practically dragging me to her office. She tosses me inside, closes the door and locks it behind her.

"What the hell is going on?" I ask with a less than gentle tone.

"I should be the one to ask you that." Her eyes are shouting fire at me. I thought that I had seen the worst of her, obviously I was wrong. I can tell by the way she's looking at me that all our fights so far were nothing compare to what is coming. So be it, if she thinks I will take it easy, she's dreaming.

"What are you talking about?" I'm angry and I don't even know why

"Cut the crap ok, I know what you're doing to my daughter." I look at her in disbelief, I'm stunned by the silent implication of her statement. Stunned and hurt. She put herself close to me, dangerously close. All my body tenses, I feel like I was little again, when my parents invaded my personal space. I unconsciously square my shoulder, my body being ready for any aggression.

She continues "You're going to tell me why you keep on calling her regularly and you're going to tell it now" her voice is low and full of hate, anger and threat. A part of me just wants to curl itself in a corner of the room and pretends to be invisible.

"I don't call her." The answer doesn't please her. In a second I can feel my back connecting violently the bookcase behind me. Not that I'm letting Lindsey down but I don't want to lie. First she calls me when she wants to talk, second telling that I'm the one who calls – which is not the case, will imply something bad. I push myself away from the wall and try to get out of her grip, but she pushes me back again harder than the first time with a rather loud thump. The shock is violent enough to slightly cut my breath.

"Don't play with me" I'm five again and I'm waiting for blows to drop. "You thought that you could mess with her without me knowing it? You're so pathetic that you're using my daughter to get me? I thought you worth better than that but obviously I gave you too much credit."

"You're out of your mind!"

"What did you tell her? Answer me!" She's pushing me a little more against the bookcase; the pressure's starting to hurt me really bad. I try to get away from her grip again but fail. I don't want to play this game. Though I've nothing to hide, I won't break Cake's confidence. But it means facing a fury. I close my eyes, I can feel the crisis coming. I know what's going to happen, soon I will be crying and put myself in a corner and I will be lock in my head with all my memories – not a good place to be, trust me. I need to get some control back. My body starts to shake slightly. I don't think she realises it, she's on adrenaline high and her anger's blinding her right now.

My eyes are closed tightly, my breath is fast and irregular. I'm suffocating with my weakness, my fears and my panic.

"Catherine, let go of me please." I open my eyes and look at her "Please" There I'm begging. I'm disgusting myself so much right now.

Something in her eyes changes. She's getting out of her trance. She releases her grip and takes two steps away from me as if she'd been burnt. I've tried hard to keep the fear at bay, but I think she saw it in my eyes. Guiltiness, shame and a wave of emotions just pass through her eyes.

I try to avoid her glare and to compose myself as much as possible. For a second she looks like she was about to apologize, for a second she forgets the matter of our fight.

The silence is affecting me, I don't feel safe, I feel trapped, and I need air because I'm choking. I'm breathing deeply and try to speak some sense to her.

"Talk to Lindsey…" I start calmly

"Don't you dare tell me what I have to do!" she cuts me. "Besides, since you've set her up against me, she won't speak to me. I don't know what you told her but I can swear to you that if you try to contact her again, one way or another, I will kill you with my bare two hands." She's threatening me again

I give up. I don't have it in me to fight her today nor any others for that matter. And right now her threat really scares me. I start to move but she pushes me once more against the bookcase with force, digging her nails in the tender flesh of my arm once again. "This isn't over you pathetic bitch."

"Yeah you're right I'm the one to blame. Like you said I'm the most worthless and pathetic person you've had the misfortune to meet. Frankly I'm sorry. As far as I'm concerned I'm done." My voice is emotionless. I pull my arm out of her grip but since she's not willing to let go her nails end up scratching me, but I couldn't care less because I have to get out of here. With that I exit the room and start to walk as fast as I could without actually running. God blesses my long legs.

xxxxx

I don't know how I got there, but I find myself in the locker room, I'm staring at the wall and try to process what just happened. Then without knowing it I'm hitting the wall with my fist as hard as I can. I am mad at myself, I've let someone treating me like I was less than nothing again. I've let someone hurt me physically again, and I have begged for mercy. I'm nothing but weak and powerless.

I hate that. I hate myself

xxxxx

I exit the locker room several minutes later. I'm heading home.

"Sara"

Please no, not now. I turn around hoping to end this up fast.

"Grissom, may I help you?" I ask casually

"I thought you've left an hour ago."

"Well I'm leaving now."

"Are you ok?" He's scrutinizing me, I'm in trouble.

"Yeah, why do you ask?" If I play dumb maybe he'll drop it.

"I just saw Catherine exiting the locker room and she looks upset. You guys did have fight, didn't you?" Guess I won't be that lucky. Wait a minute. Catherine was in the locker room?

"No." I'm not really convincing.

"Sara."

"What?" I let out a deep sigh. Ok, try number two. "Look we talked that's all."

"Are you sure?" Argh! Give up already!!

"Yes, I admit it was a little heated but it was nothing more than a nice discussion between to civilised people. And not in the hall if I might add, that proves that our relationship is improving." What a joke.

"You want to talk about it?" he asks. I have to admit that he's taking his friend part seriously, he tries to be there for me all the time. But right now he's just bothering me.

"No need" I pass my hand through my hair "Everything's fine and…"

"What happened to your hand?" His voice is full of concern.

"Beg your pardon?" Ok, he has just lost me there. What the hell is he talking about?

"Your hand Sara, it's bleeding." He states.

I look at my hand which is effectively bleeding. I was so mad that I haven't noticed that I've actually manage to hurt myself. Now though I can feel the pain radiating through me. Not a pleasant sensation at all. Grissom is looking at me with a weird look. I think he wants an explanation.

"Oh, well that case just got to me and… I lost it…I guess" The look on his face screams 'sure and I'm Ecklie's biggest fan', but he wisely decides to drop the matter.

"Ok, let's clean this then. But just so you know if you need to talk you know where to find me."

An hour later I'm home, at last. I take a shower and go to bed. Unfortunately, Morpheus doesn't take me in his arms so that's leave me to think about what happened with Catherine over and over again. I just hope Cake's not in trouble.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Catherine**

Oh God. What have I done? I'm not thinking straight. I think I'm losing my mind.

I admit Sara and I had almost always fought with each other. Those fights are legendary. I mean, when we walk side by side we are a terrific item. But Hell breaks loose and menaces to destroy the world as we know it each time we fight. And as our relationship is more than a little shaky, it's like walking through a mined field, you never know when it's going to explode. But today I've crossed a line I shouldn't have crossed. Today I've laid a hand on her.

What have I done?

I was so blinded with rage and the desire to get answers that I lost the control of myself. I think I would have hurt her badly if I hadn't seen the emotion behind her eyes. Fear. Pure fear. And then the reality just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was confused and scared of myself. The only times where I've been like this were when I fought with Eddie. I've always promised to myself to never be this person again to never be a monster.

Then she told me to talk to Lindsey. She was being rational and adult. I, on the other hand, needed to let my frustration and anger out so I threatened her. I pushed her buttons one more time to have a reaction, to fight some more. But she didn't fight back. She just gave up, leaving me with my raging emotions. And I realise how pathetic I really was at that moment. I wasn't facing the problem. No, instead I was looking for an easy target to put the blame on.

Truth is that she didn't call Lindsey. Lindsey called her and that's what's bothering me. Because I can't reach my daughter but Sara can. Of all people it had to be her.

I've tried to find Sara to apologize and to have a proper conversation. She was in the locker room, hitting the wall violently. I was paralyzed. A part of me wanted to stop her and take her in my arms. A part of me wanted to give the comfort she had given to me weeks earlier. But I just ran away, knowing that I was the reason why she was hurting herself. I let the beast in me going out and I have hurt someone. Good job Willows.

xxxxx

I'm home. I feel like a lion in cage, I'm just turning and turning again in the kitchen. I need to face Lindsey.

xxxxx

Now I'm facing my daughter. She's in the couch and I'm sitting on the coffee table. She's ignoring me again. Boy it's going to be a long ride.

"I've spoken to Sara today." I start. The mention of Sara makes her looking at me instantly. A flash of panic pass through her eyes before being replace with anger. "Want to tell me what those phone calls were about?" I continue.

"She's my friend, we talk that's it. As for what about that's none of your business." She answers between her clench teeth. She's not even looking at me. And I don't have patience in me.

"Mind your attitude, I still am your mother!" I say angrily.

"If you say so..." She replies

"Yeah I say so! I don't know what she told you about me but I can assure you that none of it is true." Anger and pain, between the two my heart wavers.

She doesn't say anything for a moment. She's just looking at me. She smirks then says "I already knew that."

Now I'm confused, but somewhere relieves because if Sara told her bad things about me she didn't believe her. But then I look in Lindsey's eyes and I know that something's wrong with the picture.

"She always tells me that you love me more than anything no matter what. She always says that I'm the most precious thing in your life whenever I tell her that I feel like your job was more important than me. She always pushes me to talk to you, to tell you how I feel." Her voice is full of pain, anger and contempt. I just don't know what to say so much I'm dumbfound with what I'm hearing.

"But you're right, she was wrong. You don't love anyone or anything but yourself, and your stupid job. Every time I try to talk to you, your job's coming first. At least Sara listens to me no matter when I call…" She trails off

"That's harsh Lindsey" My voice is filled with tears now.

"Whatever." She snaps. Then she stands and starts to walk away.

"Get back here because we're not done yet!" I shout.

"Well I don't have anything left to say to you" She shouts back.

"Fine but just so you know from now on no more phone calls, no more internet…"

"I can't believe it! You can't do this to me!" She's madder at me than ever.

"Oh you better believe I can. Life's unfair but that's the way it is!"

The look in her eyes is intense, almost dark.

"Do you want to know what is unfair? It's unfair that you call yourself a mother when you're not even able to notice me. It's unfair that you're always have time for your job but not for me. And whenever you do have time you'd rather go and get laid by every losers that fit in the part of your boyfriend of the month…"

SLAP.

She's looking at me in disbelief. The red shadow of my hand starts to appear on her burning cheek. There's no tears in her eyes but her look changes to surprise, hurt, anger and then…. Her eyes are shouting fire at me.

What have I done? I've just hit my baby... Her last comment just achieved me. I was feeling so much pain because it was somewhere true. It's like I wasn't in control of myself anymore. I've just slapped her with a blunt force. I look at my hand, it stings. I put it on my mouth because I can't believe what I've just done.

"Honey…" I try to reach her but she steps back. I'm crying

"Don't you dare touch me!" She looks at me straight in the eyes with contempt.

"I'm sorry…" I trail off

"I. Hate. You." She says with clenched teeth. And her eyes are just telling me how much. Then she turns and runs away to her bedroom, slamming the door shut.

xxxxx

My head is spinning, I'm suffocating. I feel like a big hand was squeezing my heart tightly in order to smash it. I collapse on the floor, my back against the couch and then everything becomes blurry. All I know is that my body is shaking violently and I'm crying.

I don't know how much time has passed. But now my sister is kneeling in front of me with concern and fear in her eyes. She's talking to me, I see her lips moving but no sound's coming out. I just stare at her trying to understand what she's saying. Then she stands up and disappears from my field of vision.

Minutes later she's back, panic oozing from her. She's shaking me senseless. The sound of her voice starts to penetrate my brain, I slowly process the words she's screaming at me.

"…Cath what happened? Where is Lindsey? What's going on?!!"

"We fought…she's in her bedroom…" I'm a little dazed. I don't really understand everything.

"No she's not! Catherine please try to focus!" What???

"She went in her room…What do you mean she's not there?!" I start to get all my senses back.

I start to run to Lindsey's room, the opened door reveals an empty room, with an opened window. Lindsey's not here and her backpack is gone. Oh my God, this got to be a nightmare. I'm running frantically into each room of the house, calling her name desperately.

"She's not inside Cath I've checked." Nancy says to me.

"No no no no….this can't be. Oh my God…please no, please no…" I'm hyperventilating.

"Catherine calm down and tell me what happened!"

"I told you we fought… oh my God this is my entire fault, oh my God…"

"Try to calm down it's not your fault…" Nancy starts

"No you don't get it. It is my fault, I slapped her, and then she told me that she hated me and…now she has run away…oh God if anything happens to her…" I'm crying. I feel like I was drowning slowly my all life has just stopped.

"Ok calm down we're going to find her."

"Calm down?! You want me to calm down?! My daughter is nowhere to be found and you want me to calm down?!!" I'm getting hysterical

"Yes I need you to calm down and to start thinking where she might have gone."

This is a nightmare. If anything bad happens I won't survive it.

xxxxx

Time's passing in slow motion. We've been calling all of Lindsey's friends for half an hour now – but it feels like an eternity, and no one has seen her. I've called Warrick to explain him the situation. He's on his way to my house. I've called the police and they can't do anything before twenty four hours. I know it's the standard procedure but it's frustrating me. Anything could happen in twenty four hour!!

Warrick is next to me now and he's trying to convince me that I'm not a bad mother. But I reject his comfort, I don't need anything right now but my daughter.

I think of all the places she likes and where she could be. The only thing right now that's keeping me from totally losing it is that it's still day outside. Las Vegas is more dangerous at night, and we still have four hours before the sunset.

We agreed to separate our search. Everyone takes a car and goes looking in a specific area. We decide to call each other every fifteen minutes to make a check point.

The only reason I'm not dead right now is that I'm hanging onto the thought that I will find her safe and sound. Then a bulb lights up in my head: Sara.

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**So ... what do you think? Only one way to find out ... you guess it right... review ;)**

**Thanks for reading**


	5. Chapter 5

**First I'd like to thank you all for your reviews, you were sweet and it really touched me. I'm glad you like it so here two new chapters...**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

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**Chapter 5: Sara**

Someone is trying to break my door down, hitting it frantically. Ok two questions. Who the hell could it be? Where's the fire?

I look through the peephole and see a pretty upset Catherine on the other side. I'm definitely not up for round two. But her behaviour is more than weird.

I open the door and she pushes me back and forces her way inside.

"Well come on in please." I say sarcastically. Who the hell does she think she is?

"Is Lindsey here? Did she call you?" She's speaking so fast that I barely understand her.

"What? No. What's going on?" Something is very wrong. She looks like she's about to collapse, she's pale and unsteady. There is so much panic and pain in her eyes I'm starting to panic too.

"She has run away. We had a fight… I slapped her and now…now….I…" She's crying and shaking. I do the only thing I could think of. I take her in my arms and hold onto her tightly. The shaking becomes more violent, but I hold her.

"It's ok I got you" I whisper in her ear. She has a death grip on me, I can barely breathe but I don't do anything to change it.

Only few hours ago we were fighting, and I was mad at her and now I'm holding her to keep her from falling. Life is so confusing.

The shaking subsides a little so I cup her face to make her looking at me.

"We're going to find her I promise." She looks so lost right now. I'd rather not think that we won't find her, that Vegas is a dangerous city. I need to believe that everything's going to be all right, and from the look in her eyes I know she needs it too. "Here's what we're going to do, we're going to take your car and we're going to find her ok?"

xxxxx

We've been driving for almost five hours straight. Warrick and Nancy have been calling her frequently. Each time the phone has rang hope has crossed her eyes, only to crash down seconds later. I try to keep my cool but I am panicked. Scenarios are playing in my head each new one is worst than the other. I'm not a religious person but I'm actually praying to whatever deity that Cake is fine and that we're going to find her soon.

It's 10 p.m., night has settled down and we still haven't found her. Catherine is totally lost, she doesn't speak, she just crying silently. She looks ten year older, it's like nothing could reach her now, like her heart had stopped beating. We're in her house now and we draw up a balance sheet of the places we've been. Nancy has brought her son. After a moment Warrick and I decide to keep looking out for her, while Catherine and Nancy stay home just in case Lindsey comes back.

I drive all the night and come up with nothing. I get back to Catherine's, Warrick has preceded me. We both didn't find her. Catherine is in shock and she doesn't respond to anyone. She's shadow of herself.

No matter what we deal with in our job, it's not the same when it hits home. Somehow it makes it more real, more awful. I mean, I never doubt of the reality of all the horrible things we're facing everyday. But when I'm revolted at a case, here I'm scare to death and I feel like the world is spinning backward.

It's like drowning. Everything goes in a slow, very slow motion. You can feel your lungs burning from the lack of oxygen. You want to go to the surface but your heart is so heavy that it brings you down. It's a torture. And that's only what I feel. I can't even imagine what Catherine is going through. It's the second time that she loses her daughter only this time Lindsey isn't calling her for help.

I take a coffee and then I'm gone again. I've already been to my place five times just in case she would have called me there or would have been at my door. I've checked my machine, even my e-mails. Nothing. Each new minute is excruciating.

xxxxx

It's been twenty four hours. And still nothing. We have extra help from the cops now though. We've been looking everywhere we could think of, ask every friend. Nothing. God it's frustrating!!

I want to scream. I want to turn everything upside down. I'm mad at myself, I feel responsible for what happened. But now isn't the time to feel guilty. Cake comes first.

xxxxx

I pull my car in the drive way of Catherine's. Nancy's sitting on the porch, a mug of what must be coffee in her hand. I sit next to her. She looks as lost as Catherine. I think that she has the hardest part. She has to watch her sister slowly dying, slowly being eat alive with guiltiness and worry. And no matter how hard she wants it she just can't do anything to ease her sister's burden. That's the worst, not being able to help. Add to that the unbearable atmosphere and silence full of pain, I admire her for not having gone insane yet.

"You ok?" I ask gently I put a gentle hand on her back.

"No" That was a stupid question, I know. On the other hand I don't know what to say. We both feel useless. But I need human contact right now just to keep me from thinking to the nightmare we are actually living through.

Her eyes are fixed on something that seems far away.

"So you're her friend from the library." She says. "She likes you a lot. She trusts you." I don't say anything so she continues. "You seem surprised."

"I thought she hadn't told anyone." I say.

"Well your name slipped once and then I asked her about you. To be honest at first I was ready to call the cops. You know what it is. An adult friend with a twelve year old, it can be a little disturbing."

"Yeah I know."

"Then she told me that you were the 'Sara' who worked with Cath and…I don't know I guess that the way she has described you, has appeased my fears. You seemed to be just what she needed."

"Why you didn't tell Catherine about that?" The question was intriguing me.

"She asked me not to. And I don't know my guts told me you were a trusty person, and so did Catherine… Beside you were only helping Linds so there was no reason to break her confidence."

I'm stuck in the part where she says that Catherine trust me. Well that's a new! Silence falls between us for a moment.

"Catherine?" I ask her. Talking about Cake ask a lot of effort from both of us. So changing the subject is for the best.

"She's sitting on her bed, her knees to her chest, staring at the wall."

"How is she?"

"She… Well she's still breathing. But she's on her world." She says with a hint of sadness.

"She must be crossing hell right now. I know I am, only she's in the worse way."

Nancy looks at me for a moment in silence.

"She had never slapped Lindsey before. She had never been violent since her fights with Eddie. But she had never touched Lindsey in anger before." Her voice is barely above the whisper.

"I know"

"It's a big step in the forbidden lands. She has crossed a line and I'm sure she's thinking that she's the worst form of life on the planet right now. That's understandable. When you know what people can do…I think it affects her even deeper because of all the things you guys are seeing everyday."

"She's not a bad mother for all that though. She's made a mistake but she's human. And the price she's paying now is enough to prevent it from ever happening again. She'd rather die than letting that happen again and we know it because she's not like that."

That's the truth. Catherine's not like my parents. They were entertained with the violence, they needed it to feel complete. There hasn't been a day not even a minute when they ever thought that they were doing something wrong. They thought that the way they treated my brother and I was their most legitimate right. And that's where the difference is. Catherine knows that we don't have the right to treat people like that let alone children.

"You should try to sleep a bit, dying from tiredness won't help anyone." Nancy says, putting me out of my reflections.

"I don't know if I can." I have slept five hours in almost four days but truth to be told I think I won't be able to sleep until we find Cake.

"Yeah I know the feeling" She stands up then looks down at me. "I need a little time out of here. Can you stay with Cath a moment please?"

"Sure."

We both walk inside the house. Nancy's cleaning her mug while I'm filling what must be my hundredth mug of coffee. I think that if I don't die from tiredness and worry it will be from caffeine overdose. She sighs heavily then turns to me with tired green eyes.

"You know I can wait for Warrick if you don't want to…"

"Hey I told you it was ok." I cut her.

"It's just that…I just…really need to get out of here for a little while." Her voice breaks and she starts to shake a bit. I think she's about to cry. I don't know why but I hug her. She hugs me back. We tighten the hold. I think we both need this just to keep us grounded. She takes a deep breath and then let go.

"Thank you" She whispers looking me in the eyes. A little bit of warmth is back in hers. "I'll be back in ten minutes or so."

"Take your time. Don't worry. I'm here." She sends me a weak smile and then turns away to leave.

xxxxx

I'm sitting in the kitchen. I'm so lost in my thoughts that I don't hear Catherine coming in.

"The coffee's good?" Her voice startles me.

"Excuse me?" I look at her. She looks like a zombie, lifeless.

"I asked you if the coffee was to your taste." Her voice is cold and emotionless. I think she's trying to burn holes through me with her eyes. Her aggressiveness stuns me so much that I can't seem to find anything to do but staring at her. Bad move.

"You know what? Let's make a tea party while my daughter is God knows where with God knows who. I think there are some cakes left somewhere!" She spits at me bitterly with a fake smile.

"Catherine…" I start.

"My daughter is somewhere out in this city, we don't even know if she's still alive and if she is in what shape. And you, you're gently drinking a coffee? Tell me, with your talented investigator's skills: isn't there something wrong with this picture?"

I open my mouth to answer but she continues

"She claims you to be her friend. She's lost out there and what are you doing? You're drinking a coffee. Well that's nice, really nice" she claps her hands together like she was applauding me "Bravo. I admire you. No, honestly I wish I had a friend like you."

This is uncalled for. I know she's only doing this because she's deeply hurt, because her pain is so vivid that it hurts every breath she takes. Still it hurts. And the fact that I love her just amplifies the pain. I know why she's doing this. She's doing it because she wants me to fight back.

That's how she deals with powerful emotions. She vents her anger, her pain or whatever on someone. And it's better when that someone fights back, that's why I'm her favourite receiving end I guess. Some people have wild sex, we, we fight with the same passion. I can manage a fight with her any other day, but not today. I stand up and stare at her. I clench my teeth hard not to answer her back, not to play her game.

"What? You don't have anything to say? All this mess is happening because of you and you don't have a single thing to say. You're not even moving your little finger. Of all people you're the last one to feel concerned with what's going on. What a joke. Well that's leaving me speechless." Her voice is so full of contempt, anger and hate.

"I'm not playing this game with you today Catherine." I say between my teeth. Anger is burning my veins, begging to come out.

She laughs dryly. Her laugh is hollow and humourless.

"So we're playing huh? You think this is a game? Well news flash, it isn't. Sometimes I wonder how you manage to make people believe that you're smart. You're pathetic"

That's it. I don't have to put up with this. I don't have to listen to her insulting me, reducing me to less than nothing. There's nothing to justify her behaviour not even her pain because that's too easy, way too easy. I've already lived this with my parents and there's no freaking way that I'm living this again. I can be her friend, I can be the attentive ear she needs to talk to, I can be the shoulder she can cry on, but I won't be the receive end of all her bitterness. I won't fight with her today, I can barely keep it together and I don't have the strength for this.

"That's right, get the hell out of here. Flee, that's the only thing you're always doing right"

I can feel the tears burning my eyes. I can hear the frustration in her voice. She wants me to fight back no matter what it takes. So she's pushing my buttons, waiting to find the most sensitive one.

"What irony. The story's repeating itself. You couldn't even find who killed Eddie – and God knows it wasn't a high profile case, and now you won't find my daughter." She pauses. Her voice is full of venom more than ever. I keep on walking to the door, and my pace is unsteady as my legs are threatening to let me down.

"At least for Eddie you were pretending to do something."

There. She pushed the right button.

I turn bluntly and walk to her. I stop inches apart from her. I look straight in her defiant icy cold blue eyes. Tears are running down my cheeks freely. I open my mouth a first time but the lump in my throat keeps my voice prisoner. I'm shaking violently. For a split second I can see pain in her eyes. She has never broken me down before, and now she has just brought me lower than ever, she's brought me right on my knees without the slightest mercy. I laugh humourlessly, echoing her earlier laugh. I move my face even closer to hers, so she can admire her handiwork through my eyes.

"Fuck you Catherine. Fuck. You." I say with a low and emotionless voice. I've never felt this hurt since I was a kid. It's like a huge whirlwind was sucking everything up from inside, leaving me with nothing but emptiness. There she got what she wanted. We stare silently at each other for a moment then I turn to leave. I'm almost at the door when her voice resounds in the house again.

"I hate you" Her voice is tight. I flinch a little. She never half-does things, she always has to have the last word. My hand is on the doorknob I don't even turn around. What the use of this? As far as I'm concerned there is nothing left to say. There's nothing left inside since she has just smashed everything – not that there ever was much, out of some masochistic twisted pleasure. The pain I feel is physical and emotional. I'm nothing but a heap of painful flesh and bones.

"Those were her last words to me." I stop my motion. This woman knows how to fuck with my mind.

"I hate you. I still see the look on her face and I can hear her voice. She didn't shout those words. She had a voice thick with anger and then she just spat it on my face. I hate you."

I still don't turn around. To be honest I don't know what to do. I'm like paralysed.

"I wonder what's worst. Her telling me that she hates me or knowing that her very last memory of me will be me slapping her?"

I close my eyes. I feel like the room was slowly spinning. I'm choking in here. The air is so full of remorse, suffering, and despair. It's like a battlefield, made of chaos of emotions.

Then there's nothing. No words, no sound, no heartbeat. Nothing, only the deafening silence.

Then I hear a crash. Then another one and an other. And there are screams of rage. I turn around only to see Catherine destroying everything that she can find. She's crying and screaming and destroying. It's like I was looking at me some years back. Then she stops. Her hands are on her head, she's crying harder, her sobs are violent and agonizing. Then she looks at me.

"Hold me, please…Please…Please" She's begging, her voice is desperate strangled with her tears. It's barely a whisper.

I rush toward as she's falling down in a slow motion. I catch her and we land gently on the floor.

"There, I got you…Let go…I got you…" I whisper in her ear over and over again while she's crying herself out in heart wrenching sobs.

Hold habits are my plague. This woman has just treated me like my parents did, like I wasn't worthy of human respect twice in no less than twenty four hours. She has reduced me into pieces. Yet she just has to say one thing and I rush to her side. And on top of that, in spite of everything she just put me trough I want to protect her and provide her all the comfort I can.

Love's such a bitch.


	6. Chapter 6

**It's short I know but more is coming soon I promise...

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**Chapter 6: Catherine**

My sister has stayed with me for hours. She tried to comfort me, to convince me that everything will be all right again. Sara and Warrick have been looking for Lindsey. It was like an odd dance, they would be gone for hours then back at the house again to have a coffee fix then they would be gone again. Over and over again the same scene, like time was stuck in a twisted circle.

Nancy wanted me to rest so she put me to bed. But I couldn't sleep. Instead I sat, curled myself into a ball and stared at the wall. I was reliving my argument with Lindsey over and over again each time it was agony. Then I got up because I couldn't take it anymore. Her voice and her stare were haunting me.

xxxxx

I needed a coffee so I went to the kitchen. And there she was. Sara. She was staring at nothing, doing nothing. I wanted her to take me in her arms just like she did in the locker room. I needed to feel safe and comfort.

But then I was mad at myself because I didn't deserve safety or comfort. I was mad at her because she's one of the reasons why Lindsey and I fought. I was mad at her because she wasn't doing anything but drinking a coffee.

I needed an emotional release. Usually I would go with my boyfriend for a rough wild sex ride or I would find someone to fight with. Most of the time, I would take my anger and frustration out on Sara. Because she's just as stubborn and passionate as I am.

She looked tired. I knew from Greg that they had to work a triple shift. Well considering the turn of the event, our fight and then Lindsey, I was pretty sure that she almost hadn't slept so far. There were big black pockets under her eyes. Her face was disturbed with worry. Her gaze was hollow and far away. So young yet she looked so old.

The pain was eating me alive so I started to lash her with my tongue. My words were like arrows with poisoned points. She didn't answer at first, I think she was too surprised. Then my words have started to sink in. I could see the hurt rising in her eyes. She didn't fight back though, she just stared at me. I was making it easy for her, giving her the stick to beat me but she didn't take it, no instead she ignored it.

Then she stood up, her jaw was so tightly clenched I thought it would break from the pressure. She spoke to give me a way out. She offered me to make the truce while it was still possible. I didn't want a way out. I wanted 'Sara the fighter' to come out and play, I wanted her to answer back. So I let her know straight away. She started to runaway and I, well I kept pushing her buttons. I didn't care if I had to stoop so low that I would disgust myself, I wanted a fight. I didn't have anything to lose anyway. The only reason I was living for was gone so what was the point?

So I hit where I knew the pain would be so vivid and unbearable that she would just choke in it. See, the thing is that we have a common Achilles' heel: Eddie. I think that of all the hurtful comments I ever throw at her, that one was and will stay the worse. 'At least for Eddie you were pretending to do something.'

A split second later she was facing me, anger and hate flowing from her tear-filled eyes. She laughed humourlessly. Then there was nothing in her eyes but resignation and for the last time she dismissed me. 'Fuck you Catherine. Fuck. You.' She stared at me a few minutes more as if to let me realise what I was going to lose and then she was gone.

I was burning from inside, my blood had turned into acid. And if possible I felt like someone was ripping my heart out of my chest for the second time. That's when I realised that I didn't want to lose her. Why? I couldn't tell, but I knew it deep down my guts. So I dropped the armour and the icy bitch queen mask before she got out of my life for ever.

She stopped her journey in front of my door as I was trying to choke myself with my last memories of Lindsey. But she didn't move, she stood like a stone I didn't even know if she had heard me or not. So I started to turn everything upside down. I threw her mug on the floor, and then I took the chair and threw it on the countertop destroying everything that was on it. And then I send flying the table. I was crying so hard I could barely breathe.

She was still rooted near the door but she was looking at me. I was about to collapse so I ask her what I desperately wanted from her from the beginning. I begged her to hold me. In a matter of seconds her strong arms were surrounding me.

xxxxx

In her arms, that's where I still am right now. Sobbing and holding her as hard as I can. I'm sure it's sore but she doesn't complain.

I'm amazed she's still here. I mean, I dragged her in the mud and smashed her ego and pride into pieces. Yet she hasn't hesitated a second before taking me into her arms, providing me the support, the strength and the comfort I needed. Helping me to keep it together.

It's like I was in a dream. I'm not really aware of what's around me. It's like the whole world had been swallowed the minute I got into Sara's arms. All the crying has made me dazed, it's like I was high. I don't feel anything but the warmth radiating from Sara. My body is numb like anesthetized. I'm suddenly cold and I can't help but shake. I feel Sara's arms loosen around me and she starts to move. It makes me shake even more and I desperately tighten my grip on her – if that's possible. I'm so scared she'll leave me after all. I don't want her to give up on me. She's trying to move again.

"No!" I say with panic in my voice.

"It's ok, I'm here." She says softly. But my fear overwhelms me and the shaking increase. I feel like a cat in a bag.

"Don't leave me please" I beg her.

"I won't. You need to rest though." She starts then pauses. I think she expects me to protest. I don't, I just nod against her chest. So she starts to rise on her knees and gathers me in her arms like a child. "Come on, I put you to bed."

She moves me so easily, it's like I was weightless. I lock my arms firmly around her neck and let her take me to my bedroom.

xxxxx

She puts me down delicately on the covers and starts to leave but I keep my arms around her neck. I'm not ready to let her go, I don't want her to. I don't want her to leave me. I need her.

"Stay with me, please" I whisper shyly.

"Ok"

I move to the middle of the bed to make her a little room. As soon as she lies down, my arms are around her neck again. She puts her arms around me to return my embrace. A feeling of safety is invading me. My body keep shaking but just slightly. It feels so good to be there. I feel vulnerable but strong, I feel weak but invincible. I feel loved and secured.

The sound of her heartbeat is soothing me. I think I'm addicted to that spot, in her arms close to her heart.

"Sara…I…" I want to tell her that I'm sorry, that I didn't mean those awful things. But the lump in my throat keeps me from doing it.

"It's ok" she says with a soft voice. That's a lie, it's not ok. She looks at me with her big brown eyes, there is hurt on them but it's covered by concern. "Try to rest ok?"

"Ok" I feel miserable. But then I feel her arms pulling me closer to her. "Thank you" I feel a new wave of tears coming.

"You're welcome." She kisses my head.

"Don't leave me, please, don't leave me" Tears are silently falling down my cheeks now.

"I won't"

I lose myself into her embrace and listen to her heartbeat, before drifting into a restless sleep.

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**Thanks for reading... ;)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you everyone for the reviews ;)... Just like I promised I'm back with more. Seems like I'm on the roll. The only advantage of being insomniac is that you can turn 24h to account. Anyway...**

**Enjoy, **

**So ;)**

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**Chapter 7: Sara**

She's asleep in my arms. I, on the other hand, wish I could join her but I can't. I keep on thinking about our fight, about what she has said. Her words are just torturing me. I think I won't survive to another fight like this, that's a guarantee. My mind is a battlefield, her words have resound so hard that all my defences have crumble down. That comment about Eddie's case has hit right in my heart, unleashing all my demons, my fears. I honestly don't know if I can lick my wounds completely right now. The fact is that I still feel the stings of her words through my entire being.

I can't relax in this embrace. I don't feel safe here, I feel trapped.

I think she's in deep sleep because her grip is loosed now. I leave the bed careful not to wake her up, I exit the bedroom closing the door behind me.

I get to back the kitchen to clean the mess. I find Nancy standing there, staring at the upside down room. She came back when Catherine and I where on the floor. She has just given a quick glance at the scene, then she has looked at me. We have communicated with our eyes and then she's left us.

"So what are the losses?" I ask gravely.

She turns around, looks at me a moment and sighs.

"Nine dead: two mugs, three plates and four glasses. The chairs and the table are into shock right now but I think they'll get through it." She answers flatly. We smirk dryly.

This is odd. I've met her barely two days ago and yet we got along like together like old friends. When I think I've met Catherine five years ago and that we never had that kind of easy connection, I'm confused.

Nancy looks like Catherine, only she's a bit younger and got green eyes. But there is grace in every move she makes, just like Catherine. And she's beautiful too.

I chuckles softly "Well, let's clean this up."

I move next to her and we start to pick up broken glass.

"I admire you." Her voice says. I turn to look at her, she stares back at me like everything was normal.

"I beg your pardon?" Jeez, I'm so tired that I have hearing hallucinations.

"I said: I admire you." She repeats herself with as much serious as the first time. To say I'm stunned would be an understatement. I look at her like she was some loony. "Stop looking at me like that! I'm not mad" She chuckles. "You aren't used to compliment are you?" I still don't answer so she sighs and continues "Look, I know how my sister is, how…she can be to have an emotional release."

I don't know what to say. She puts her intent gaze down my hand before returning to my eyes. "She told me about your previous fights" She pauses. "She told me about the last one." She says and rests her eyes on my hand again.

I caress my bruised knuckles with my thumb. There is dried blood on it.

"It wasn't because of the fight." I tell her.

"Really?" She asks rhetorically. "Anyway, I know that she can't deal with powerful emotions. I can barely handle her when she's like this and I'm her sister. I just had to take a look at the kitchen to know that it must have been as ugly fight."

She's shrewd, I have to give her that. It's weird, there is a silent bond between us. She doesn't say much but she lets me see she knows a lot and understands a lot. We speak a lot with our eyes it's really amazing to have this kind of connexion.

"Yet you were here holding her. And now you're still there." Her voice cuts my musing. "You could have given up and bolt out of here but you didn't. So yes, I admire you. Honestly you have to be exceptional for her to lost it this much and to be strong enough to handle her when she's like this." She smiles at me.

"Well I don't know if I really am, but thank you" I say shyly.

"No need to thank me I'm just stating the truth" She says honestly. I blush a bit at this and smile back at her.

Silence fells between us for a few minutes.

"How are you?" She asks me.

"Theoretically I'm still alive… in practice that's a different story. You?"

She thinks for a moment "Same here except that I think I'm losing my mind."

The kitchen is in order again. It's like nothing ever happened minus a few dishes. There is silence between us again. Air's becoming thick and hard to breathe.

"Well we are lucky she has spared the coffee pot." She says.

"Some tenderness in this cruel world." I join her light mood. It's good to stop thinking of the nightmare we're going through right now. Other wise I think I'd go insane. She's staring at me again, scrutinizing my face closely.

"I was serious earlier, you should try to sleep. You look awful." She says concerned.

"I know, you're right." I start to turn to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"Uh…Home to sleep a bit?" I try.

"I don't think so." I look at her with a puzzled look. She sighs loudly. "There is no way I'm letting you drive like this. You're way too tired for this. We can't afford to lose someone else." She's upset now. "There is plenty of room here and if I have to chain you to keep you safe I will." She's not kidding I can tell. Besides she's right I'm too tired to drive.

"No need. I'll just crash in the couch."

"Good" She looks relieved.

xxxxx

We decide to have a glass of milk before going to bed. We're on the couch sitting side by side.

"How is your son" I need to break the silence.

"Jeremy stays at a friend right now. He's worried but I think he's ok." We stay silent for a while.

"Do you think we're going to find her safe and sound?" She sounds like a frightened child.

"No" I answer firmly. She turns to me bluntly with tears in her eyes and quivering lips. "I know so" I tell her. "And I need to hold on that feeling otherwise there is no point to keep on breathing." She nods and hugs me. I hug her back.

She cries a bit on my shoulder so I tight my embrace to let her know it's ok. Then she pulls back to looking at me. She wants to tell me something but I think she's afraid of my answer.

"I don't mean to cross any line but is it ok…" She trails off and shakes her head "Nevermind, I'm being silly." She laughs nervously.

"No tell me" I wonder what makes her so embarrassed and I want her to know that she can trust me. "I told you, I'm here."

She stares at me to see if I'm trustful and then she smiles tenderly. "Now I understand Lindsey. You truly are someone good."

"Well you're not bad either" I countered. She sighs again and tries again.

"Like I said, I don't mean to cross any line but…Can I stay with you tonight? On the couch I mean…I mean…crap…I understand if you don't… It's just that…Nevermind I told you it was silly." She ends up her struggling with words frustrated.

"Of course you can." I simply answer. She looks at me speechless.

I was a bit surprised by her request for a split second but I understand why she asked. I don't know why but in times like these, when everything's going down, the need for human contact increases. Right now the situation is chaotic and I crave for human touch more than ever. Because the heat of another body, the sound of another heartbeat reminds me that I'm alive, that I still feel. I guess Nancy feels just the same. There is nothing more behind her request than the need to keep us grounded, to assure us that there is still hope and that everything's going to be fine.

"Seriously? I mean, you sure?"

"Yes I am" I kick off my shoes and open my arms "Come here" I tell her with a reassuring smile.

We adjust our position on the couch. She's lying into my embrace, there's not so much room so basically she's almost entirely on top of me. Usually I would feel claustrophobic because of the degree of intimacy of this, knowing that we barely know each other. But right now I feel relaxed and for a moment I can pretend that everything's all right. It feels so good.

"Thanks" She whispers on my shoulder.

"It's ok. To be honest, I'm glad you asked because I needed this too." I confess.

"Well, still, thank you." She squeezes me a little.

"You're more than welcome." I kiss her head and drift into sleep in a matter of seconds.

xxxxx

I wake up to the annoying sound of my pager. My head is pounding violently. For a moment I don't know where I am, with who and why. Then reality sinks in. Nancy's still asleep in my arms, holding me tightly. We didn't move while sleeping. Then my mobile breaks the silence rather loudly. I hate technology!

I'm afraid she's going to wake up but she doesn't move a muscle. I want to leave the couch so she can keep on sleeping, but just like her sister, she tights her hold when I try to go. So I answer my mobile on the couch. If I don't lie to myself I like being here, it's comfortable.

"Sidle" I whisper.

"_Sara it's Grissom._"

"Hey"

"_I…just call to know how you were._"

"I'm fine I guess"

"_You sure?_"

"Well, let me see, one of the my most precious friends is missing so no I'm not fine but I'm alive so I guess that I am fine after all" I'm not sure to make any sense myself.

"_Sorry, I didn't mean to be pushy_" he sounds guilty and hurt.

"No I'm the one who's sorry, I shouldn't have snapped."

"_It's okay_" He pauses "_How's Catherine?_"

"Not good" I know he understands all the meaning behind those simple words.

"_Well send her my love and support_"

"I will"

"_Look, I wanted to let you know that you don't have to worry about work, you have a lot of days off to spare. And must of all I'm here if you need anything at anytime._"

" Thank you very much" I compare Grissom to the Tin man on the wizard of Oz, after all this times he found his heart.

"_It's ok. Take care of yourself Sara._" He says genuinely.

"Yeah, you too. I'll call you if I need anything." I think he's smiling.

"_Sure thing, no problem. I'm sorry but I got to go, keep me posted."_

"I will" And I hang up.

Grissom and I have a brand new relationship. More intense than the old one, more relaxed, more everything. No more strained situations, harsh words or war of feelings. Sometimes we even get flirty around each other for fun. It's an intellectual shared love. I'm happy with this, I think we both are.

xxxxx

I turn my attention back to Nancy who still hasn't move from an inch. I try to get back to sleep again but I know it's useless. Well if Nancy decides to release me anytime soon I might get a coffee.

"What time is it?" Her voice is sleepy. She has startled me, I though she was asleep deeply. My heart is racing a bit, she notices it and chuckles softly. "I didn't meant to scare you, sorry."

"It's okay." 'You just nearly gave me a little heart attack' I mentally add. "It's 3 a.m." Well, we actually manage to sleep four hours straight.

"You have to go to work?"

"No, why do you ask?"

"Well every time that Catherine has received a call in the middle of the night she had to go to work." She explains me.

"Yeah" I smile "Well this time Grissom called me to tell me that it's was ok for me not to come."

"You're all right with that?" Well I see my reputation has preceded me.

"Sure. I mean it wasn't an option for me. I couldn't focus on anything when Cake is nowhere to be found." If she notices the use of the nickname, she doesn't point it out and I'm grateful.

"Did you sleep good?" I ask after a moment.

"Yeah I did, thanks to you."

"Really?" I sound cocky but I don't care.

"Well yeah, don't let it swell your head though." I laugh at this.

"I did sleep well too if it can make you feel better." I realise that none of us have move yet. But this embrace feels so good, I'm not really hurry to leave it.

"You know, I'll give you a twelve." She says casually. This woman is good at confusing me.

"What? What are you talking about?" I ask her.

"Human pillow. On a ladder from zero to ten, I'll give you a twelve." She answers with a serious tone.

I don't know if I'm honoured or just confused. But I play along with her. "How come?"

"Well, you are soft, you don't snore – or just a bit, you don't drool, you are comfortable and you don't fidget while sleeping." She says with honesty.

"And that got me a twelve?" I ask intrigued.

"No, actually that got you a ten. But you earn two bonus points." She giggles.

"I did?" I'm really curious now.

"Absolutely. There is this thing about you, that you provide, I don't know…Safety, tenderness and trust...and so much more positive energy…it's like all those things were radiating from you…and it gives me so much strength that I feel like I could take the world. It's just like your hugs. You give the best – what do I say, the most terrific hugs." She pauses. "I envy your lover, yeah your lover is lucky."

Wow, I'm touched to say the least. Nobody ever told me that stuff like that before. It's really comforting knowing that even I, can give human warmth.

"I don't have any at the moment." I state.

"Shame. All those hugs that won't be given, what a waste." I laugh softly. She sighs and continues "Too bad I prefer men, I guess. Otherwise I would have applied for the post."

"Well you're right that's too bad." We giggle together.

It's funny because if you don't take a closer look you might think that we actually are lovers. Our embrace is intimate and there is this connection between us, this closeness that you can only have with a lover. Words aren't needed to be understood by the other one.

"I meant it you know. You provide the feeling of security and that's something, because everyone is seeking for this feeling." She says this snuggling tighter against me. We stay in silence for a while.

"Well I'm honoured to be such a good human pillow and a great hugger." I say as seriously as I can. She giggles wait a moment and takes a deep breath.

"You know, I could really use a hug right now, a special one before facing this day." She says seriously. I don't say anything, I just hug her tightly. We stay like this for several minutes to carve this moment in ourselves as a reminder that we are still alive.

"Well I'm glad to have share the couch with you, it was a pleasure" She breaks the silence.

"The pleasure was all mine." I pause "I could use a coffee right now."

"Good idea" We disentangle ourselves and head to the kitchen.

xxxxx

We are in the kitchen waiting for the coffee pot to get ready. I'm against the countertop and she's on a chair.

"I think I'm addicted." She suddenly says. I've stopped trying to follow her train of thoughts a while ago. I just stare at her waiting for her to elaborate.

"Your hugs, I'm addicted to your hugs. I think I have a problem." She muses. I blush and think a moment.

"There's a solution to every problem. We can find a compromise." She looks at me with curiosity. I continue "My hugs are free, all you have to do is ask when you feel you need one." I shrug.

"And what do you get in return?" She asks suspiciously.

"A human touch." I simply say. "And your smile" I add. She blushes, at last!

"So you're saying that I just have to tell you that I could use a hug for you to come and hug me? Whenever I need or want it?"

"Pretty much yeah"

"Why?"

"I just told you" I answer. She scrutinizes me.

"Why?" She repeats. She has that 'Catherine's look' that says 'I know there is more'. I sigh.

"Let's say that I've spent a big part of my life without a single warm human touch. It's my way to fix it I guess." I pause "I wasn't born in a cradle of love." I smile nervously. She just stares at me silently, I know she's trying to understand all the meaning of my words. Then she gets up and faces me. She extends her pinkie to me.

"That's a deal then." She says. I look at her and then grab her pinkie with mine.

"I'd say better, it's a pinkie deal." We giggle together.

The coffee is ready so we pour ourselves two mugs and sit to drink it in a comfortable silence. It amazes me I close I can get with someone I barely know. What surprises me the most is that I trust her. I don't feel the need to hide. And that closeness with her doesn't bother me. For a moment I wonder if it's how would be my relationship with Catherine if we could get along.

xxxxx

It's 4 a.m. passed now. It's time to face the reality.

"I'm going home to change then I'll go see Lindsey's friends again and then I'll hang around the town." I say as I clean up my mug.

"Ok" She answers. I know she's a bit reluctant to stay here all day. It's not that she doesn't want to support her sister, it's just the atmosphere that is unbearable.

I return in the living room and put my shoes back on, then I get back to the kitchen. "I'll go check up on Catherine and then I'll head home." I tell Nancy.

I open the door of the bedroom and Catherine seems still asleep. I walk on the room and face her. I lean down to caress her face. Then I kiss her forehead. What possessed me to do that, I don't know. Well in fact I do, but I don't want to think about it now. I watch her silently for a moment before I leave.

xxxxx

Nancy is on the couch when I return. She stands up and walks me to the door.

"See you in a few." She says.

"Yeah" I open the door and start to leave.

"Sara." She calls me back. I turn to look at her. She stares back at me then she hugs me briefly and whispers "Just so you know, my hugs are free as well." She smiles. I'm touched by her kindness.

"Thanks." I smile back and then I leave her.

I think we just create a solid bond. A bond that will survive the actual situation. A bond that will be the base of a solid friendship. I think I won't cease to wonder at the easiness with which that bond has just been created.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Catherine**

I woke up with a heavy head and burning eyes. There was an elephant who was dancing polka in my cranium. I didn't remember drinking so at first I didn't understand why I was feeling like this. Then all my memories got back. I remembered having a fight with Sara. I remembered losing my temper and destroying the kitchen. I remembered crying into Sara's embrace. I remembered her carrying me to bed and falling asleep in her arms.

I looked around and there was no one but me in the room. I've started to panic. I was left alone, abandoned. Sara left me. When I thought about all those things I've told her, there was no wonder she had given up on me. Suddenly I was upset and angry at Sara. She told me she won't leave me and yet she did. It was so not like her, she always kept her word before.

I got out of bed, looking for her. I haven't had to look far though I found her lying on the couch with my sister in a very intimate embrace. Nancy was half on top of Sara, with her head in the crook of Sara's neck. Sara didn't seem unease or strained by the physical closeness – she's always uncomfortable in that kind of touch when they come from me, mindless those last days. No she seemed relaxed and she seemed to fit. She seemed very protective of my sister. They looked like peaceful lovers and I felt like an intruder. I hated that.

That's when I first felt it: jealousy. Raging jealousy consuming me. I was jealous of my sister because she was where I was supposed to be, in Sara's arms. She was having what I was supposed to have, intimacy with Sara.

I went back in my bedroom to stop that train of thoughts. Jealousy? Intimacy with Sara? Where the hell did that come from?

I sat on the bed and started to torture myself. I kept on earring Lindsey's words only this time they were mixed with Sara's. Those words were repeating over and over again in some kind of twisted lullaby. 'I hate you... Fuck you Catherine. Fuck you... I hate you...'

Then a mobile rang, I stood up but I stayed on the threshold of my bedroom. It wasn't any news about my baby since Sara didn't move from the couch after the call. I bet my pay check that it was Grissom. Anyway, Sara and Nancy stayed on the couch not breaking their embrace if anything they got closer. I couldn't get the words they were exchanging but from the look of it they were flirting. I felt like a stalker or some schoolgirl spying on them. I hated this.

I lay on the bed again. I felt cold and very alone in it. My head was spinning so I closed my eyes. Then, I don't know how much time after, I felt a soft and warm hand caressing my cheek delicately, it was Sara I could recognize her touch. Then I felt a soft pair of lips on my forehead. And then there was nothing but cold and loneliness. Sara was leaving me for good. I felt like I was ripped apart, my heart was so tight it was even harder to breathe than it already was.

xxxxx

It's been several minutes since Sara left, so I get out of bed and head to the kitchen for a coffee. The kitchen has been cleaned up, everything is back in order as if nothing ever happened.

"Did you rest a bit?" Nancy's voice asks me. I don't turn around. I'm mad at her and I don't even know why.

"Yeah" My voice is cold.

"Sara just left. Warrick called and said that they still have nothing yet. He's going to come by in an hour or so." She tells me.

"Yeah" I turn around but avoid her gaze. I know my monosyllabic answers don't please her. She waits for me to speak by myself but I don't. Two reasons, I don't know what to say and then my actual feelings are disturbing me. After a moment she sighs heavily.

"Cath, it's me, Nancy, your sister. If something's bothering you just say so." She is exasperated and a bit upset now.

"I don't know, let me think about it. My daughter hates me and she has run away from home and from me. I think that could bother me at some level." My tone is sharp. But it doesn't impress her a bit.

"Bull" I'm about to answer that with all the anger building up inside but she continues "That is what's killing you. I want to know what's bothering you." She points out. I've always admire her ability to read me as an open book but right now it irritates me. A battle is raging between our eyes but I give up easily, I don't want her to see all my emotion bare today.

"I didn't sleep well. It was cold on my bed." I pause and set angry eyes on her. "You on the other hand slept in nice company if I remember." There is bitterness in my words.

"That's it then, you saw us." She has that look that can see through me. "I won't lie to you I haven't slept that well since quite a long time. I slept on the couch with Sara. So what?" I want to cry, I want to scream and just the thought of the two of them in that intimate embrace earlier just unleash hell in me.

"Not with her, I'd rather say on her." I mumble. I feel like a jealous brat kid again.

"Excuse me?"

"You didn't sleep with Sara, you slept on Sara. That was cosy wasn't it? No wonder you slept well in that more that intimate position. You know if I haven't known better I would have sworn you two were lovers." I told her vehemently. _Catherine Willows is unavailable at the moment, Jealousy is speaking, can I take your message?_ What is wrong with me? Why is that bothering me so much? Nancy is calm as ever.

"There is not so much room for two adults lying on the couch, so we took the most comfortable position." She pauses and stares at me intently "You know, if I didn't know you better I'd say you're actually jealous."

I don't answer that last comment. She doesn't say anything more. She leaves me with my thoughts and watches me silently. I don't want to think about it. About why I feel this way. Now is not the time. I need to cool off all those raging feelings inside of me. So I go have a cold shower.

xxxxx

Cold water calms me down. For a while I don't feel guiltiness, sadness and disgust burning through my veins. The funny thing is that those feelings are the only things to remind me that I'm alive. I don't feel anything else.

I exit the shower as tensed as I got in. But at least I've got some equilibrium back.

I'm about to get out of the bathroom, but the woman in the mirror catches my attention. There are black bags under her eyes. She is pale, her cheeks are gaunt it makes her look old. Her eyes are dull, the blue on it is almost grey. She looks lifeless. It's like there wasn't any soul in this body. Come to think of it she looks vaguely familiar to me.

I freeze when I realise that it's me. It's like seeing a ghost. I feel my head spinning a little. I always thought that I would never have to face this side of me again. I used to be this woman, back when I was a stripper. Back when I was a drug addict.

I start to shake with need as dark memories start to surface. I remember the first time I saw that woman. Everyday I would see that soulless body walking around like a puppet with loose strings.

Life was as far from butterflies and rainbows as life could be. But she was in Wonderland twenty four seven, from dusk until dawn and from dawn until dusk. She was feelingless. Nothing could reach her. She wouldn't feel the lusty gazes on her, nor would she feel the dirty hands caressing her body. She would be so high that she would only be surrounded with bliss, pure bliss.

And there was this man who would tell her sweet, sweet words. Tell her how beautiful she was, how the lines of her face were as refines and perfect as those of a porcelain doll. And so many more. And her heart would only belong to this man, her prince charming.

Yet, there was a little time everyday when she would leave Wonderland to go to what we call Reality. There, there wouldn't be any colours, everything would be grey. She would see her true reflection. The one with a skinny face and hollow eyes. The one that would look dead from inside. There, all her thoughts would be depressing. So she would have a snort of coke, taking a ticket to Wonderland again.

Cocaine was a good friend. Cocaine would bring a lot of flashy and bright colours in her world. Cocaine was the greatest painter, Cocaine would create colours over and over again. Who cared if those were fake? Cocaine would make her escape from Reality. Cocaine would make her happy with what she was seeing. Cocaine would erase the words 'pathetic', 'pain' and 'sadness' from her vocabulary. So yes, Cocaine was good.

Everyday she would float high, very high. High enough not to feel the angry hands of her prince charming, but it would be way too high to fight back properly. But everything would always be bright and colourful and that was all she needed.

One day it changed though. She learnt that she was pregnant. That day she looked at the lifeless woman in the mirror and decided to bring her to life. She decided to colour Reality, that meant that she wouldn't go to Wonderland anymore. But it didn't matter because that day she promised to the reflection that she would become someone.

That day I promised to myself that I would become someone. And I did.

Saying it has been hard would be the understatement of the century. It was excruciating. I remember shaking so hard that it was painful. I remember the agony when my body was in need for a snort. I remember feeling my guts burning me from inside like lava in fusion. I remember the fevers and the deliriums. I was in Hell and the only thing that made me hold on, that gave me strength not to give into the temptation was my baby. Whenever I hit the bottom, I would think of this life growing inside me and that would be enough to give me courage and determination.

It has always worked. It works even better since she was born. I still do this whenever I have a bad day, a nasty case or just depressing thoughts. Whenever I can't take the cruel reality I think about Lindsey, my baby and I feel stronger than ever. Everyday, when I'm hurt, when I doubt, when I'm insecure, when I lose faith in what I do, when I want to go back to Wonderland so badly, I just hug Lindsey tightly to feel her heartbeat and let myself be washed away by all her love, I just tell her that I love her and then I feel alive again. All the pain, the sadness, the fears are washed away when I'm in her arms.

And now I don't have this anymore. Now I'm shaking, my body is aching with need. The temptation is killing me by inches. The walls are getting closer, the room is getting smaller. I'm suffocating. The reflection in front of me is blurry now. I don't want to be this woman anymore. Never.

I rush out of the bathroom and run into Lindsey's room. Her scent has lingered in the air, I breathe deeply. I take one of her clothe and inhale her scent until I get intoxicated, until I can't smell anything else.

I take her Teddy bear – Mr Brown – in my arms and hug it to my chest. This is the first gift I made her. It has always soothed her. She has gotten rid of everything she used to play with when she was younger – all her plushes and toys are on the attic now. But Mr Brown is too special for this. In spite of the years it's still in good shape, it almost looks like it was new. She cherishes that plush.

Every beat of my heart is taking is a new ache. I want to cry but I don't have any tears left. I want to scream. I want Lindsey to come back.

I'm praying to any deity for my baby to be alive and safe. I'm praying to have a second chance. If someone brings my baby back to me, I won't ever fail her again. I will love her more than anyone can love until my last breath. I'd give my life if it could bring her home safe and sound. She is what colours my reality, if she's taken away from me I'll die. I can't breathe, I can't feel without her. Without her life is pointless. Without her I'm nobody. I'm dead.

I lean against her bed and bring my knees to my chest. I'm still holding Mr Brown and start to rock myself. I wish I could stop my body from shaking. I wish the need for cocaine wasn't trying to swallow me whole. I keep hearing her last words again like a broken record.

I need someone to hold me. I need Sara to hold me. I try to focus on the sensation I feel when I'm in her arms. I try to focus on the memory of her heartbeat to soothe me. If I can focus on the effects she does to me, maybe I won't go insane, maybe I won't shatter into little pieces.

xxxxx

The doorbell brings me back to the present. Can it be possible? Someone has heard me and was bringing my baby home! I rush to the front door only to find Warrick... Alone. My hopes just crush again.

"Cath..." He starts. He takes a look at me with his profound hazel eyes. He decides against asking me how I feel and I'm thankful. I mean, how am I supposed to answer that anyway? He just hugs me silently. I can't help but compare his embrace to Sara's. It's definitely not the same. Warrick's embrace has something more familiar. It's a brotherhood hug, warm and it conveys support and affection. Sara's hugs has something more, something deeper.

"Thanks for everything you're doing." I whisper in his arms. "How's work?" I ask. Don't get me wrong I'm not so insensitive that I can forget about my daughter for even a second. But I've just got some sanity back so I'd rather keep it.

"We're all in nigh shift for the time being." I look at him quizzically. " Ecklie's prerogative. He might be a dumbass, but it seems like he still is human. He sends his best and hope everything will get back in order."

"Guess I'll have to thank him when this is over" 'If it gets over one day' I add silently.

There is nothing more to be said. We just hold each other for a moment more. Then he pulls out of the embrace to look at me in the eyes.

"Everyone is behind you. We love you." He pauses, takes one of my hand and entwines our fingers. His other hand reaches up to cup my cheek. His gaze has never been so deep. "I love you". He leans down and kisses me on the lips. It's a deep kiss in that way that it says what all the words can't express. He backs up and smiles softly.

"I love you too Rick" I squeeze his hand and lean in his touch.

It's true, I love him just like he loves me. It's the kind of strong love that you can always lean on no matter what. But it's not the kind of love that gives rise to passions. We're more than just friend because I know he would go through Hell for me if I just asked him to. So would I for him. But this love isn't the one two lovers share. It's an unconditional love which is far too deep for us to be just friend, yes, but it's way too calm and comfortable for us to be lovers. It's hard to explain the connection between us but we both feel the same and in the end that's the only thing that matter.

He hugs me and leaves, letting me know that they're still looking for Lindsey and that they won't stop until they find her.

xxxxx

I've been pacing in the living room like a tiger in his cage. I think my footsteps are carved into the floor by now.

Then I hear a car in the driveway. It's Sara. She's so pale, she looks drained and upset. My heart starts to race and I don't know why. My sister's on the porch like she's been waiting for Sara's return all day. They have quiet exchange with their eyes first and then they speak. The interaction between them looks like the one between two lovers. Again. I can't hear them because my heartbeat is too noisy. My breath is painstaking. What's going on with me?

And then everything stops. I can't breathe, I don't hear my heartbeat anymore. They're hugging each other tightly. It seems so natural, so easy, so right. There are no walls between those two. Sara has let her guard down in my sister's arms. Sara has let my sister in. My entire world is crashing before my eyes. The only thing I was clinging to has gotten out of my grip. I'm alone.

It takes me some time to realise Sara's looking at me. I can't stand her gaze so I just escape her field of vision.

I resume my position in Lindsey's room. And start to rock myself again.

"Catherine?" Her voice is soft. I can't face her though.

"Leave me alone" I beg her with a strangled whisper.

"I beg you, don't push me away again."

I lift my head up and see hurt in her eyes. Hurt and fear.

"You left me" I tell her "You said you wouldn't leave me but you did."

"I know. But I came back. Don't push me away." She begs me again. She kneels down so we're at the same eyes level.

"Why?" She looks confused "Why did you go?"

"I needed to. I really did." Her eyes try to explain me what her words don't tell me.

"I understand" I don't know if I really do. But right now I don't want her near me. Paradoxically my guts are screaming for her to stay. "I need you to understand me as well now. I need to be alone. I really do." I echo her words. She looks like I've stabbed her. I can't be close to her right now, because I'm afraid to hurt her again. I need to fight the huge gamut of emotions that has settled down on me alone. I can't afford to lose her nor to hurt her anymore.

"Alright. If that's what you need" Her voice is soft and understanding, still it's heartbreaking.

Then to my surprise, she cups my face with both of her hands and forces me to look in her eyes. She's telling me so many things with her brown eyes, but I don't think I can tell what. It always amazed me how her eyes speak volume when she's silent. She leans in to kiss my forehead. Her lips linger there a little while. My heart is racing again. I close my eyes to stop the room from spinning. And then she's gone.

"I'll be there if you need me. All you have to do is ask." She caresses my cheek a last time and then she exits the room. I'm wondering what just happened. And then loneliness and coldness strike back. So I try to focus on the sensation of fever her lips have left on my forehead so I can fight my demons from the past and the present.

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	9. Chapter 9

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**Chapter 9: Sara**

When I got home this morning there was a message on my machine. Well actually it wasn't one. There was silence on it, I could hear someone breathing. I heard a sigh and the line went dead. I knew it was Cake. I knew it on my guts. I've cursed myself for not being home. I hit my head against the wall. I've missed her call, I've failed her.

After a long hot shower, I phoned Brass and asked him to trace the call. It led me somewhere outside of the city. I went there to look around and ask people if they saw her. Nothing.

Then I've decided to go around the hospitals. I didn't want to do it myself before because I wanted to believe that she was ok. But I had to face that possibility. It's been almost forty eight hours, I know how cruel and violent this city can be.

I went to every hospitals from where she called me to the closer from Catherine's home. In the end of the day there was only one left the Desert Palm Hospital.

I've been relieved when all the hospitals didn't recall anybody like Cake coming in. Well it was a little hope that she was still unharmed. I didn't want to think about the other possibilities that could send my hope against the wall.

xxxxx

I've been at the reception desk for about half an hour, expecting the same answer as the other. But when the nurse came back I could tell by the look on her face that something was wrong, very wrong.

"We do have someone who might match the description you gave me." She started. I could feel my heart beating so hard it was about to explode my rib cage. It didn't felt like it as the end of the nightmare but rather like it was the beginning of a new one. I could decipher her look. I think I have the same while I talk to the family of the victims during a case. It's a look full of compassion.

I felt my whole body tense before I asked "How is she? Is she ok? What happened?"

The nurse was about to reply when a young man no older than Greg came to us. Come to think of it he could have been his brother. He has dishevelled blue hair and a sweet face. He was a bit taller than me. He had deep blue eyes. They were almost the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Almost.

"This is Doctor Donovan, he took the patient in charge." The nurse said before retreating behind her desk.

I turned to the young doctor. I could feel a golf ball lodging itself on my throat as I dread what he was about to tell me. The nurse has avoided the answers to my questions so I had good reasons not to feel right about this.

"I'm Cameron Donovan. I am the doctor who took care of the young girl you're looking for I think." He said with a calm, gentle voice.

"Sara Sidle CSI" At this point I needed a wall to contain my emotions, to keep some composure. Work was – has always been – my safeguard, my last line of defence. I can hide behind it, hide who I really am, hide all my fears and secrets.

"We probably should sit down."

"Cut it Doc. I'm dealing with as much horror, if not much, as you do everyday." I wasn't in the mood to be messed around. So I cut right through the chase. "What happened? How is she?"

He looked taken aback by my bluntness. But his eyes were displaying understanding.

"She's been beaten up badly, raped several times and stabbed." His voice was emotionless whereas his eyes showed me sadness, disgust and anger.

"You didn't answer the second question." I don't know how I've managed to talk or to keep on breathing. The world was spinning backward and my heart was slowly giving up on me. A look in the doctor's eyes and I felt the Damocles' sword falling onto my neck.

"We tried to save her but she had lost way too much blood and her body was too weak." He paused "She is dead. I'm sorry."

Three words. Three little words and yet they were lethal. I couldn't quite believe what those words meant. I didn't want to believe they were true. My life ended with those three words. Cake was dead and it was all my fault. How could I live with that?

"This can't be." I whispered. My body was shaking. I couldn't feel my legs. I felt like everything in me was turning into ashes. "This can't be" I repeated. I needed to be sure. Those were only words. Words were treacherous. Cake couldn't be dead. "I need to see her."

xxxxx

I've spend hours in morgue. Hours with dead bodies, with humans remains. But this was something else. I felt like the walls were moving closer from each other. Like they were retracting themselves on me. Everything was unreal. I couldn't breathe there wasn't any air. My legs were threatening to let me down at every minute.

The coroner pulled a body out of a drawer. The sheets were soaked with blood. I thought I was about to spit my guts out.

Then he took the sheet away, revealing the body. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe or feel or anything. I had to blink several times to make the vision go away, but it didn't work. It was real. The last thought I remember having were: Dear God.

xxxxx

I got to my car without noticing it. I was on autopilot. I was a body, nothing more, a living- dead. I felt lost and dead.

I drove back to Catherine's. I had to tell it. I had to get the words out of me. I felt like everything was rotting inside me. I was going somewhere that was dark, scary and lifeless.

Once I got to the driveway I exited the car. I don't know how. My body seemed to walk on its own.

Nancy was on the porch like yesterday. I could feel the bitter taste of déjà vu.

She stood up the minute she saw me. We spoke a long time with our eyes. She saw the panic in my eyes. She knew something was wrong. I tried to tell her, I could feel my lips moving but nothing was coming out. She cupped my face with both her hands, they were warm and I was so cold.

"Tell me" She asked softly. She was a bit distresses by my demeanour. "Sara, I'm here...Tell me" she repeats.

"I went around the hospitals today." I heard myself say. "At the Desert Palm there was a girl matching Lindsey's description." I saw the light of understanding on her eyes. She kept her words silent but I knew she was wondering if it was Lindsey or not. "It wasn't her." I was so detached from reality that I wasn't sure I was talking at all. "It wasn't her" I repeated. Relief washed over her but she remained focus on me. She was truly concerned.

"What else Sara? Give me the rest, I know there is more." Her tone was gentle. The warmth emanating from her was somewhat reassuring. I held onto that warmth as if my life depended on it. Come to think about it, somewhere it did.

"That girl... She's been beaten, raped and stabbed... that's what I fear the most... if anything happened to Cake I won't forgive myself..." I could feel my body shake violently. "It wasn't her... but she... I knew it wasn't her...but... my eyes played tricks on me... for a moment I saw Cake not the other girl... it was... it was...oh God" I couldn't catch my breath.

She pulled me to her. I held her as hard as I could. I think it was painful and that she could barely breathe but she just held me back as hard, if not harder. I could feel the tears burning my eyes.

At that moment I was glad I've let her in. Let her see me bare, so to speak, without my armour. Normally I would have berate myself for such a display of weakness, but truth to be told I couldn't care less at that very moment. I needed someone to hold on to. Nancy was there and I was thankful she was.

"Shhh..." She soothed me. "It wasn't her." She paused "That girl didn't deserved what happened to her... and it wasn't Lindsey. Do you hear me? It wasn't her."

"I know... but..."

"No buts, it wasn't her... Remember what you said, we have to hold on the feeling that she is safe and sound, otherwise it's pointless to keep breathing. Hold on to that feeling and hold on to me. Lindsey needs you." She paused "So do I." I squoze her harder. "Please get a grip... Please" She begged me.

"Ok" I muffled. My head was on the crook of her neck so I could make disappear the whole world for a moment and focus on our embrace. She was giving me strength.

I released my grip on her just a little. Somewhere she understood that I wasn't ready to let go yet. The shaking had subsided but I needed to get some piece of mind back.

"I'm sorry" I whispered

"Don't be. That's why I'm here ."

"Thanks"

"Do you feel better?"

"Yeah just enough to keep going." I told her honestly.

"Good"

"How do you feel?" I asked, I might had gone through a big emotional shock but I wasn't totally selfish not to see that we were on the same boat.

"I'm ok, don't worry."

"Catherine?"

"She talked a bit and then she sank back into her world again. Since Warrick left she's been pacing like a caged animal."

When she told me that I've turned my head toward the house and I saw Catherine. She was still, staring at us with an expression I couldn't quite decipher. Then she disappeared out of sight.

I took a deep breath and completely released Nancy. She cupped my face again and looked at me straight in the eyes.

"It wasn't her. We're going to find her." Her tone left no room to argue and it gave the rage to keep on fighting. I kissed her forehead.

"Thank you for being here." I said. She smiled at me and then we entered the house.

xxxxx

Once inside Catherine wasn't in the living room nor in the kitchen. Nancy put the coffee pot on. And I told her about the phone call. She stood silent.

"Well there is still hope." That's all she said. I know she was thinking about all the 'what if'. What if I had been home taking the call instead of sleeping? What if something bad has happened to Lindsey and there is no one for her. And so on. But somewhere she decided to only voice the little hope.

I stood up and started to leave the kitchen to go see Catherine.

"Are you going to tell her?" Nancy asked me. I thought about it a second.

"No." I paused. " She doesn't need this right now."

xxxxx

I looked for Catherine and found her in Lindsey's bedroom. Curled like a ball at the foot of the bed. She had a teddy bear in her hands. She was like a terrified child. I so wanted to take her in my arms and comfort her. That was what I was about to do. But she rejected me. She asked me to leave. She was upset. Those words ripped my heart apart though she said them without anger or contempt.

She reproached me with leaving her after our fight. After promising her that I wouldn't go. I understood her. I knew I had broken my promise. But it wasn't the time to argue. I didn't want to fight with her and I didn't have the force for that. Besides I didn't want to be a trouble for her, not when she was living the worse days of her life. So I've just let her know that I was there for her. I almost told her what I felt for her, after the day I had had I didn't have any walls left to hide my feelings so I fled as fast as possible.

xxxxx

I just realise I was in Nancy's arms. Again. I was so overwhelmed by my insecurities and fears that I think I've started to cry. I don't know when but Nancy took me in her arms. I honestly don't know what I've done in my previous life to deserve to know such a person but I'm definitely glad I did it. She's holding me silently as I let my despair killing me softly.

"More than forty eight hours and still nothing." I finally tell her.

"I know." She holds me closer.

"What if..."

"Don't." Her voice is firm slightly aggressive. That's the Willows' spirit I think. "Don't do this. Don't do this to yourself, don't do this to Catherine or me. Don't give up on her...on them. Cath needs you to support her, Lindsey needs you to find her and I... I need you to hold on." She takes a deep breath. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes"

"We're going to find her" I'm about to protest. "We are going to find her." She repeats vehemently. "We have to. I know we will. So I need you to believe it, to believe me." She lets her words sink in. She forces me to look at her in the eyes. "Don't you dare give up now." Her voice is menacing and there is anger in her green eyes. "Do you understand? Don't you dare give up. You got it?"

"Yes" I'm almost scared of her.

"Now you're going to breathe deeply, take your keys and get back to your car. Then you will look for her over and over again until you find her. No matter how long it takes. But you won't give up, understood?"

"Yes" Her outburst is galvanizing me.

"Good." She softens a bit. "Don't give up please."

"I won't"

"Good."

I hug her tightly for a brief moment and head to my car. I'm about to put the ignition on when my cell phone rings.

"Sidle."

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**Hope is on its way...**

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	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: Catherine**

The more I watch them interact the more jealous I feel. It's so easy for them. They don't have to speak to understand each other. And there's the physical connection. It seems that every time there around each other they're seeking for a contact. They hug each other tightly, they reassure each other. They share such a deep bound and yet they barely know each other.

Nancy's my sister, she's like me she's a 'touchy' person. But Sara... Well that's a different story. She is known to be a 'stay away from me' person. Well looking to our record history it's true that we're not led to have moments, so to speak. But when our relationship is warm and friendly, even then she rejects physical contact. At least contacts coming from me. There were times when I would try to reach for her, a hand on her shoulder, a comforting caress but she would always tense around me. There would be so much tension that it would kill all the want to make a contact. And when luckily she would let her guard down long enough for me to touch her she would jerk away as if burned the second later and her eyes would be asking me what I am doing.

I think she doesn't trust me. Not that I ever gave her ground to do such a thing. Every time she's warm around me I feel... I don't know, there is something in her that set me off balance. She seems to be able to see me bare. She seems to see my weakness, my fears and insecurities. No matter how I try I just can't keep my armour on. And I hate this. I hate the fact that she can do such a thing to me while I barely know her, while I can't know what she thinks or what makes her tick. I can't reach her yet she can make me weak and vulnerable. That's unfair.

Right now though I'm seeking for her contact. Even more now that I know what it felt like to be in her arms. I don't want to fight with her anymore. I want to figure it out. I want to figure her out. Because I know that I need her in my life. I don't know why I do but I do. It makes me shiver with fear just to think that she might not be in my life again. We might not have the best relationship ever but I need this relationship. I'm willing to make it change. I want to have a real relationship with her. I want to have with her what she's having with Nancy. I want to know the Sara that is so important in the life of my daughter. I can't stand to be an outsider, a watcher. I don't want to feel like an intruder anymore. Because it hurts me to see what I've rejected all those years.

"Cath?" The voice of my sister breaks my train of thoughts.

I feel myself shivering and I want to cry. I'm desperate. I keep on realising what I'm missing, what I've ruined. It's like a cruel twisted game. They say you never realise what you had until you lost it. Well I'm tasting this bitter pill right now.

My sister leads me to the couch and makes me sit down. And she hold me in her arms like she has done so many times since we were kids.

"What am I going to do?" I ask her. "I... I'm so lost right now... It's worse than anything I've been through. I'd give my life to get Lindsey's back."

"We're going to find her Cath." She whispers to me over and over again.

xxxxx

Warrick just passed again with Nick and Greg. They didn't say much just that they would do anything to bring my baby back. Then they stood silently next to me. It helped me a little.

Nancy stood on the porch all the time. Just like she did before. I think she was waiting for Sara.

I join her outside because I'm feeling claustrophobic inside. The silence in there is way too deafening. I sit on the steps next to her.

"Lindsey and Sara have been contacting each other for a while now." I start. She doesn't say anything but I can feel her becoming a bit uncomfortable. "Did you know it?" I think she was expecting my question. Well I was certainly not expecting her answer.

"Yes." She says calmly. I, on the other hand, start to feel anger rising in me.

"You did?" My voice is a little strained but Nancy stays calm as ever.

"Yes."

"How come?... I mean... Why you didn't tell me anything?...How... How could you hide something like this from me?" I'm yelling now. But Nancy stays stoic and it makes me angrier. Now I understand the connection between Nancy and Sara. I feel like an intruder into my own family. Like Sara has replaced me.

"Answer me!! How could you not telling me this? For how long have you known about it? Did you even plan on telling me?" I'm mad for good.

"No." Her monosyllabic answers are getting to my nerves and I'm definitely not in the mood to play games.

"Nancy..." My voice is low and threatening. She looks at me and sighs deeply.

"Linds asked me not to tell you anything." She says flatly.

"Oh yeah right blame it on her. You're supposed to be an adult you know..."

"When I see you reacting like that I understand Linds' request." She cuts me off. "Look at you Cath. Do you honestly think that if I ever thought Sara was a danger for your daughter I would have let them keep on seeing each other? Do you..."

"Hold on, seeing each other? What the hell are you talking about?" She closes her eyes briefly and sighs as if to kick herself for saying something she shouldn't have. "They've been seeing each other on my back, you knew it and you didn't tell anything or do anything to stop it?" I'm hysterical.

"Yes."

"I can't believe you!" I spit out. I stand and start to walk back in the house.

"She's been helping her with her homework. She's been opening her mind to literature. She's been the friend she needed."

I backtrack and place myself in front of my sister. "She's been messing with her head..."

"Wake up Cath, you know it's not true." She looks exasperate. "You know that Sara is better than that. I know you two aren't friends but you know Sara isn't like that."

I snort and look away. I feel like the whole world is against me.

"You might not like the sound of this but Sara's been good to Linds."

Those words hurt me deeply. "You're right I don't like the sound of it." I pause. "I can't believe you kept that from me. I trusted you for Christ's sake! How could you do such a thing to me?! How dared you!... You..." I scream but she rises up her voice and cuts me off.

"You haven't been around much because of your job lately. Everyone understands that your job takes most of your time while you wish you could have more time to spend with your family. But you're not the only one having a hard time. Lindsey's been having a hard time since Eddie's death. She has so much anger in her. I know you know it. I know that lately you two had difficulties to communicate. But there is one thing I also know it's that Sara has been good to Lindsey." She lets her words sinking for a moment.

"Don't get me wrong I'm not saying you're a bad mother. But Lindsey needed to have something to hold onto. In this case it's Sara. Not because she is better than you, but because she isn't you or me." I start to feel tears burning my eyes. "With Sara she wasn't alone. She had someone to talk to when you were on call, she had a friend, that's it. She had someone who would listen to her vent her anger against school, against you or me."

I don't know what to say. I know that somewhere she's right. But there is this big part of the story where I'm not there for Lindsey, where I can't talk to her. It points out all my mistakes.

"Cath... If it was wrong you bet I would have told you. It wasn't, forgive me. Please try to understand that in the end it's not really about you or about your troubles with Sara."

She leaves me there thinking about what she's just said. I feel betrayed, angry, frustrated and excluded. I feel lost. My head is aching with all those things to think about.

xxxxx

"I'm sorry for earlier." I say. Nancy is on the couch watching a turned off TV. I sit next to her but I don't look at her.

"I didn't mean to betray your confidence."

"I... it's just that I feel like an intruder."

"You're not."

"It's like Sara had filled the blanks I've left."

"It's not like that Cath." She turns her head and put her arm around my shoulder. "It's not like that."

"Yeah... you and Sara, Lindsey and Sara... tell me where do I fit in all this?" I feel so insecure. "She's succeeding where I fail."

"What do you mean?"

"She can reach Lindsey. She has a friendship with you while her and I are barely able to speak to each other."

"You're Lindsey's mom and nothing will ever change that. As for the rest it's up to you to make it change."

I snort "Easy for you to say. She has let you in. She's been rejecting me out for the last five years, putting walls between us every time."

"From what you told me you're both to blame. Now if you want to make it change you have to trust her. And most of all you have to hold your fighting personality. Because it won't get you any good from her."

I sigh and lay onto her embrace. I can think of all this right now. Sara and I have a long way to go but right now it doesn't matter. Lindsey comes first.

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**I swear things will be alright at some point or another...**

**Thanks for reading ;)**


	11. Chapter 11

**You guys rock! Thank for your reviews. So Nancy and Sara... Cath and Sara...Maybe I should make you vote for your favorite couple... Nah, there's no suspense here, it's a Cath/Sara story. Anyway like I said last time hope was on its way, well I'm sure you'll be happy to know that it was true...**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So

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Chapter 11: Sara

Oh my God. I think Cake is trying to call me. Since I've left Catherine's house I've received five phone calls. But every time the reception is so bad that I can't hear anything. I asked Brass to trace the call. My heart is racing hard and I'm on adrenaline high, this might be the end of the nightmare.

My phone is ringing again.

"Sidle."

"_It's ...Cake..._" Holy Jesus, she's alive. Thanks God she's alive!

"Cake where are you?"

"_I don't know..._" her voice s uncertain and shy.

"Are you ok?" I ask, I'm so excited and so scared at the same time.

"_Not really... Can you come and pick me up…please?_" She's begging me like I could refuse her request. Something's wrong. But let's process in order of priorities. Let's get her safe and then let's see what's going on.

"Of course I'm on my way just tell me where you are."

"_I don't know... I really don't I'm sorry..._"

"It's ok don't worry, just tell me if there is any road signs near you."

"_Well there is one saying that Henderson is fifty miles away..._"

"Alright." Well it's not precise but it limits an area of researches. "Now tell me, is there a place where you can hide or be safe until I get there?"

"_There is a little wood next to the cabin…_" Not the safest place but it will have to do.

"Ok I want you to hide there and I will hoot the horn when I get there."

"_Ok... Sara..._"

"Yes Babycake?"

"_I'm... sorry._"

"It's ok don't worry, I'll be there in a flash. Take care of yourself meanwhile."

Then the line goes dead. Nancy was right we've found her.

xxxxx

Thanks to Brass I've got a precise location. It was a dark place in the middle of nowhere. I manage to get there as fast as I could without killing myself. My heartbeat is erratic, I only hope my heart won't give up on me before I bring Cake back home.

There is the road sign she talked me about. On the side of the road there is a phone cabin. The phone cabin. The one she called me from. Apart from the cars that are passing by it's the only source of light around.

I wonder how Cake's ended up there. It's at least a two hours journey to get there from her house, in car that is. But then again nobody said that Cake has been walking for almost three days. I stop my train of thoughts because it only brings my inner demons back to the surface. Now is not the time for speculations.

The road is surrounded with trees, lots of trees. Well to make it short I'd say it's a forest. I start to be scared of the bogeyman all over again. I'm almost expecting him to get out of the wood and take me away from everything. Put it together Sidle, this is not about you.

I stop the car in the halo of light near the cabin. That way Cake can see my face. I cut the ignition and step out of the car. Right now, there is nothing but silence and this place is more than a little bit creepy.

I hoot twice. "Cake!" I shout. Nothing. I hoot again. I watch everywhere because I don't know where she is, if she's still there.

"Cake, it's Sara!" I hoot again and again. I wait a moment to see if something is moving. Still nothing. "Cake it's Sara, come out of your hiding place!" I scream at the top of my lungs.

Come on I know you're here. I start to choke in my despair and fear again. It's like I was drowning a little deeper. Come on, somebody gives me a little help, please.

I hoot four more long times and then completely step out of the car, to position myself into the halo of light.

"Babycake..." I pause because I think I see something's moving behind the trees. "Cake?" The form is moving toward me with an unsteady pace. Without light it's just a shadow but I could recognize this silhouette anywhere.

She's moving slowly as if she was scared of me. Her body is shaking I can see it. I try my best to keep the panic at bay. It's almost over.

When she's in the halo of light – about a meter from me, she stops. It's like I was seeing her for the first time. Like the girl in font of me wasn't the one I've been looking for almost three days. Her hair is a mess, her eyes are red and a little puffy. Her backpack is hanging on her right shoulder. What's frightening me right now is what I see in her eyes. That particular expression that I know way too well. It's the expression of someone who's lost. I used to have that the look and somewhere I think I still have it after my nightmares. Please don't tell me it happened to her.

I can't breathe so much the fear is overwhelming me.

She's scrutinizing me as if to see if I was mad at her or I was about to leave her there.

"I was passing by and I wondered if you needed a ride." I say neutrally. She's staring at me silently and her lips start to quiver. "I know a place not far away where they make the best cocoa ever and I thought 'you have to taste it'. So I could take you there if you want." I smile at her. She smile weakly but she's still on the verge of tears. "But we could also stay here, it's a cool place. We could watch the stars." Why am I rambling I don't know. But I don't want her to runaway or fear me so I act as if everything was normal. "So what do you say?"

Time seems to have stopped. I open my arms wide so she understands that I won't go anywhere without her.

Suddenly she runs into my embrace, nearly knocking us both down. Her hold on me is bone breaking but I couldn't care less, she's there and alive that's all that matter.

She's crying hard against my chest.

"Hey there. It's ok, I'm here." I soothe her, caressing her hair gently.

xxxxx

When her crying subsides I take her backpack and lead her to the car. I wait until she buckles her seat belt before going to the driver seat. Her head is low, she looks like she was ashamed. I don't push her to talk to me right now.

It's been an hour since I start to drive and there's nothing but silence. I keep on taking a look at Cake every times the road allow me to, that means about every two or three minutes. Something catches my eyes, there is dry blood on her lower lip and some scratches and bruises on her arms. How could I have missed those?

I park the car on the side of the road. Cake doesn't move at all. I cut the ignition and turn myself to face her.

"Cake?" Something is very wrong.

"There was this boy who hung around my school… Joey... teachers say that he is a bad seed..." I don't like what I'm hearing and I'm sure that it's the best part . But I don't say anything.

"He's been expelled recently but he doesn't care ... He's the rebel kind, you know?" She snorts "He has some friends that are older, they always hang around... Mom and I had an argument, I wasn't thinking straight. I was really pissed and... Anyway I left by the window. I walked to the mall and they – the kids, were there. We talked and they liked me, I kind of liked them too. They were going to a party next to the Lake Mead so they invited me. We stayed at the lake all night long and a part of the next day..." She pauses. She's still looking at her feet. I don't know why but my stomach is making its own revolution and is trying to empty itself.

"After the party we took the road and got somewhere near where I called you. There was a cabin in the wood and... they set a fire outside and Joey and I went inside to talk. He was kind and fun. Then he kissed me and..." I have to put all the pressure I can in my jaw to actually stop myself from puking. Tears are falling slowly and freely on her cheeks. "We kissed for a while but then he has started to... put his hands on me... I mean, he has started to touched me... But I didn't want it, I... It..." Her voice is barely above the whisper.

This kid better be on another planet right now because I'm about to chase him and kill him. And even God won't know what happened to his body. My fists are so tight that the blood is not flowing in them anymore. My blood is boiling.

"I didn't want it, I didn't like it... I told him to stop and pushed him away but he wasn't listening... He kept on running his hand on my body... I was pushing him away... " Her body is shaking violently. I'd like to take her in my arms but I know better than anyone that she won't welcome the touch. "So I bit him... I bit his hand hard enough to almost make it bleed... He hit me back and started to call me names... Then he said that I still was a baby and that he had no time to waste with me. He and his friends took the road again leaving me alone... I was scared so I ran as fast as I could and I found the phone...And..." She lifts her head up and look at me for the first time. " I didn't provoked him, I didn't want anything bad to happen... Believe me I..."

"It's not your fault, you hear me? It is not your fault." I tell her. "The only one that is guilty is Joey."

She doesn't say anything but I know that she isn't convinced. "Cake believe me you haven't done anything wrong... You did the right thing to protect yourself and nothing of this is your fault."

"How could you know?" She's angry. I ponder whether I should tell her or not. I look at her straight in the eyes, honesty is the first rules of our friendship. She's not hiding from me and I'm not hiding from her.

"Because I was at your place few years ago. Believe me it is not your fault." I confess her gently. She lets my words sink in. I wish I had bitten my tormentor too. I wish I had had the guts to fight my father.

"Please don't say anything to my mom." She begs me.

"I won't." I shouldn't be keeping that kind of information from Catherine.

"Promise it."

"One condition." She looks offended, it's the first time I ask her something in return of my confidence. "I won't say anything if you promise me to tell her yourself."

"Please don't make me do this." She pleads me.

"Take it or leave it."

"She won't ever look at me again if I tell her..."

"Cake, she will be mad but not at you, she will be mad at Joey." I pause and wait for her to look at me again. "You don't have to tell her straight away. Wait for when you'll be ready. But she is there for you and will always be. You have to tell her the truth."

She's considering my proposition. "Fine, I promise, I will but you have to keep your word too." I extend my pinkie to her. It might seems stupid but the rule is that a pinkie promise cannot be broken in any circumstances. We seal our promises with our pinkie fingers.

I take her in my arms again. "This was not your fault. This was not your fault." I repeat rocking her a little and caressing her hair.

xxxxx

I pull into Catherine driveway. Cake is nervous.

"Everything is fine now." I tell her gently.

"Don't leave me please."

"The thought never crossed my mind." She smiles weakly then we start exiting the car.

I join her before heading to the house. We're on the porch and I'm about to ring the bell when Cake stops my motion. She hugs me tightly.

"Thank you Sara." I return her embrace. I start to breathe again. She's safe. She's home.

She rings the bell and we wait for someone to open the door.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: Catherine**

The doorbell rings. It pulls me out of my thoughts. It's been about four hours since Sara left and since my argument with Nancy I've been thinking of all the things I've failed and all those things I want to fix.

It's 11 p. m. . My guts are sending me weird messages. I feel it's a bad new. Then I start to think that it's the cops that came to tell me that they found the body of my daughter. I think I'm paranoid. To be honest those last days have been killing me little by little. I've got my heart on my sleeves now and the most insignificant thing can make me lose my sanity.

I'm panicking. Nancy sees it and goes to open the door. She's been holding me since our argument. We've shared silence, she soothed me. I'm thankful to have such a sister. I know those days have been hard for her too, yet she doesn't complain, she didn't complain at any moment.

I hear the door being open and then nothing. No voice, no door being closed, nothing but a terrifying silence. This can't be good.

I get up to see what's going on. Nancy's back is facing me, the door is wide open and I can see Sara standing there. Our eyes connect and for a brief moment something happens. I don't know exactly what but for a moment it's like I could see her, the real her, without any armour or walls. She seems sad, broken and yet so strong.

Nancy's hugging someone but I can't see who. Then she releases her embrace and steps out of my way.

Oh God. This can't be.

I can't breathe, I must be dreaming. All my cerebral functions have burnt at the same time. I don't know how to move let alone how to breathe.

She's back. My daughter is back.

She's looking at me with an expression that is a mix between fear and sadness. She seems scared of me. I can't blame her but still it hurts me. I wish I could erase those last days, erase our fight. But I can't.

I feel cold sweat running down my spine. My body starts to shake. That's when all my senses kick in. I can feel the oxygen travelling through my lungs. I can feel tears burning my eyes. I can feel my body being as rigid as a marshmallow. I can feel a lump in my throat as disgust and guiltiness start to flow in my veins again. I can feel my heart beating so fast that it's painful.

I'm scared to death. Scared that if I make a move she will vanish. Scared that she will reject me, my touch. Scared that from now on there will be a huge gap between us that nothing will ever be able to fill. Scared that I'm daydreaming.

She is uncomfortable under my gaze. She looks like she was about to runaway again. In fact she takes a step back toward the door. I want to reassure her and tell her that I love her. But my body doesn't seem to decipher the signals my brain is emitting.

I look closely at her. My baby seems older than the last time I saw her. It's been two days and a half, yet it feels like centuries. That's when I see the little spot of blood on her lips and the marks on her body. Holy Jesus. I feel rage building inside me. Whoever did that to her is about to know a hell of suffering. But then there is a thought that pops out of my head, it strucks me like a ton of bricks: I'm not better than the one who did that to her. In fact I'm worse because I'm the one she's supposed to trust, the one who is supposed to protect her, yet the only thing I've done is violating this trust and send it through the window. I'm a monster. I feel miserable.

Will she ever be able to forgive me? Will she ever be able to trust me again? Will she ever be able to love me again?

"Mom..." She calls me with a trembling voice. My heart is about to explode. This word is the most beautiful melody I've ever heard. I don't think I've felt like that the first time she has said it. She's shaking and her eyes are watering. She swallows hard and sighs.

"Mom... I'm sorry"

I can't believe it, she's sorry. She is sorry. I am the one who hurt her, I am a bad mother yet she's the one to apologize.

"I'm really sorry mom..." I can see panic rising in her eyes as I don't say a thing. The truth is that I'm so stunned that I need a little time to process everything that's happening. "I'm sorry...I"

"No" I cut her. There are so many things I want to tell her. But it seems like the words are playing hide and seek inside my head.

I take a few steps toward her. I feel like I was moving a mountain. It's a simple thing but I feel like it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I stop in front of her. And I let myself falling onto my knees. I feel so miserable that I look at the floor instead of her. I take a deep breath and gather all the strength I still have left and look into her eyes.

"I am sorry for everything. I am sorry for being a bad mother. I am sorry for not paying attention to you." I breathe deep to keep me from crying a little longer. "I am sorry for slapping you." My heart tightens on my chest at those words. What have I become? "I am sorry. I am so

sorry for all the pain I caused you... I am so sorry... And if you have it in you to forgive me I swear I'll never hurt you again. I swear I'll never raise hand in anger on you again."

So that is what we call the cruel irony. A few years back those were Eddie's words after our fights. But the difference is that I'd rather die than breaking my word. "I am sorry... Please forgive me... Give me another chance and I promise I won't ever fail you again..." I sob as I don't have anything left inside me to keep on talking. My sobs are so violent that I can barely catch my breath.

She doesn't say anything for what seems an eternity. Every new second is a deep cut in my heart. I'm dying slowly waiting for her to make a decision. Waiting for her to choose, whether to bring me back to life or to achieve me for good.

I've expected a lot of things but I didn't expect her to put herself on her knees in order to hold me.

"Mom... I regret everything I said... I love you... I love you mom."

My sobs increase but I'm happy. I feel like I was born again. My daughter is back. I don't deserve her yet she forgives me and loves me. I'm holding her with a death grip because I'm still scared that this is nothing but a dream. The colours are coming back into my world. I'm in my own wonderland again.

"Oh baby, I love you so much..." I tell her. We let all our emotions flowing in our desperate embrace.

She's back. She's alive.

I'm alive. Again

xxxxx

"Mom."

"Yes?"

"Oxygen might become an issue eventually." She says, chuckling softly. I release my grip immediately as if I've been burnt.

"Oh... sorry..."

"It's ok, don't worry." She reassures me.

"It's just... so good to have you back."

"It's good to be back."

I let the world around us setting down again. I realise that we're still on the floor. The door is closed though and Nancy and Sara are nowhere in sight. I get up and give my hand to Lindsey to help her to get up too.

"Are you hungry?" I ask.

"No it's ok."

I don't let her hand go.

"I'm tired though." She confesses.

"Ok...I'll go preparing your room while you go take a shower... What do you say?"

"Can I sleep in your bed with you?" My heart is swelling. I'm so happy to have her back and I don't want to ever letting her go.

"Yes, of course." She smiles widely. So do I.

"I'll go take a shower." She lets go my hand and I feel the sensation of loss immediately. Before she can go any further I hug her.

"I love you baby, I love you very very much." I tell her.

"I love you too mom." With that she goes to the bathroom.

I watch her until she disappears in the bathroom.

xxxxx

I prepare my room for Lindsey and then I go looking for my sister and Sara.

I find them on the porch. They're sitting on the steps. Not talking, just staying there.

"You two should get back inside it's freezing out there." I say.

They turn to look at me. They have the same expression. They're tired and emotionally drained. I head back inside and wait for them to join me.

Nancy goes straight in the kitchen while Sara stays next to the door. It's like she didn't know what to do, to stay or to leave. We looked at each other for a long time without saying a word. I need to thank her for bringing my baby back. There is so much I want to say. I know one thing for sure it's that our relationship has changed. There's a lot I need to fix but I know nothing will ever be the same again.

I want to speak but it's like I was mute. I want to take her in my arms. It's strange because the whole thing is awkward. We're swimming into uncertainty. So we just stare at each other. My eyes fall on her hand. I completely forgot about that. Another reminder of my metamorphosis into Mrs Hyde.

"How is your hand?"

"It's ok." She answers with a small voice.

"Sara..." I start

"Catherine it's ok." She cuts me. Those ebony eyes are speaking to me again.

"No it's not. Listen…"

"Catherine now is not the time for us." She pauses and seems to be at loss for words. "Later, ok?"

I want to answer. I want to apologize but she keeps me from doing it. Her rejection makes my skin sting with frustration, sadness and hurt. But I don't want to fight with her so I just stare at her and try to speak with my eyes.

"Is everything ok?" A voice behind my back asks.

I turn to see Lindsey in her pj's.

"Yes baby."

"Ok" She doesn't sound totally convinced.

"I'll go take a shower and then we'll go to bed ok?"

"Yeah, sure" She smiles at me. I turn back to Sara and take one more look at her, before going to the bathroom. I feel like it's the last time I see her.

xxxxx

I'm on an emotional roller coaster. There's a lot of questions are spinning in my head. Most of them are about my daughter, the others are about Sara. Right now though, I'll just focus on my daughter before Sara.

It's weird. Our relationship have always been based on a shaky ground. When you think about it I never gave her a chance to get to know me neither did I try to know her. Yet she's been there during the worse days of my life. She crossed the Hell besides me. She has endured the worse words I've ever thrown at her. I've physically hurt her, and pushed her to hurt herself yet she's been there for me without asking anything in return.

I, on the other hand, have understood that I needed her. That even if we fight most of the time I need her, I need our relationship. It provides some equilibrium in my life. Besides she has taken care of my baby. I can trust her with everything I have, with my own life. She always gives me this feeling of security. I really need to know what all this maelstrom of feelings means.

I want to fix what I've done to her. I want to improve our relationship into a friendship. It's a long way to go but I need this.

I'm starting a new page of my life. I'll do everything I can to make everything alright. I'll do everything to be a good mother, a good sister and a good friend.

* * *

**See? I told you everything would be alright... as far as Lindsey is concerned, of course. Cath and Sara? Well let's just say that the journey is still long...**

**Thanks for reading ;)**


	13. Chapter 13

**I want to apologise for the little delay, I had a lot of classes to catch back and it made me be home late and really tired. Anyway, thanks for the reviews and here's two new chapters. **

**Enjoy,**

**So

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**

Chapter 13: Sara

Everything is back into order again, yet I feel like I shouldn't be here. I don't feel like I fit in the picture though I wish I did.

After Catherine and Cake's encounter I needed fresh air. Nancy and I both did. We were intruders. So we went on the porch. It's kind of our place now. I called Warrick and Brass to let them know that everything was back into order. Then I sat on the stairs with Nancy. We shared a comfortable silence. It was the end of the nightmare. We had dealt with a lot those last three days. Then Catherine came to find us and asked us to get inside.

That's when I've started to feel out of my depth. I didn't belong here. Catherine and I had this weird moment. I didn't know if I should stay or leave. And then she asked about my hand. I don't know why she did it. Anyway I've decided that it wasn't our time. It was Catherine and Cake's time. So I shut down every attempt she made to talk. Then Cake appeared and Catherine gave up.

xxxxx

"Earth to Sara…"

"What?" I ask.

"You were lost in space." Nancy says.

"Oh… sorry."

"It's ok."

We're on the kitchen with Cake. I'm about to prepare hot cocoa.

"So that's the place where they make the best cocoa ever?" Cake says a bit of sarcasm in her voice.

"Well yes."

"Well it's not your modesty that is choking you." Nancy says giggling. I give her an offended look.

"I beg your pardon? For your guidance know that I do the best cocoa ever!" I reply.

"We'll be judges of that miss humility!" Cake sends me.

"You know if we're not satisfied, I think you'll have to offer us something and invite us to dinner." Nancy says.

"Yes. In fact you'll have to make us go out in a special place. And you'll have to make it fun." Cake adds.

"I have to say that I'm more than disappointed with the a lack of faith in me you two are showing. But in grand style I forgive you." I say with the most pompous tone, and I elicit a wave of giggles. "You're right, have fun while you still can." This time the giggles turn into laughter. "Well, I'm gamed." I say seriously so they stop laughing.

"Really?" Nancy challenges me. Cake and her have the same sparkle in their eyes. Oh I'm enjoying this.

"Yes" They look at me suspiciously.

"Are you sure you want to do such a thing?" Cake asks me.

"Well you've just insulted my cocoa, of all my culinary talents it had to be the cocoa. That's a cardinal sin."

"We're bad girls Linds, aren't we?" Nancy asks

"Yes we are. It almost makes me want to cry." They both pout and pretend to be sorry.

"Ah ah. Really funny." I'm enjoying this moment. I cherish it. Because it is perfect and for once I can say that everything is all right. For once I feel like I belong somewhere. For once I feel like I was a part of a family. For once I'm truly happy. I cherish this moment because I'll have to let all this go soon. The world could come to an end right now I don't care. No wait, I take one thing back, it is almost perfect.

"Well I'm sorry Sara but we have to punish your cockiness. So here's the deal: if we aren't satisfied with your cocoa you'll have to offer us a entire special day. You'll have to take us somewhere original, and you'll have to make the whole day fun. Then you'll have to make a gift to each one of us and to finish you'll have to take us to dinner. What do you think Linds?"

"I agree." They have huge matching smiles.

"Wow that's a heavy bill…"

"You look for it." Nancy replies.

"I could refuse... But I never ever turn down a challenge so I accept. And know that if I win you'll have to follow me an entire day and fulfil my desires."

They think about it a minute. But before they can answer Catherine appears in the kitchen.

"What's going on in here?" She asks.

"Well Sara is priding herself up on doing the best cocoa ever."

"Really?" Catherine scrutinizes me for a moment, I can see the sparkle appearing in her eyes almost instantly. It's like she was back to life. The fire in her eyes is back. "Well you're not choking with your modesty aren't you?" She echoes the exact words of Nancy earlier.

"That's exactly what we told her!" Nancy and Cakes say in unison.

"So we're making a little bet." Cakes continues.

"And what are the gains?" Catherine asks intrigued.

"A whole day of fun in a special place, gifts and a dinner, when we win that is." Cakes summarizes.

"Interesting." Catherine says chuckling.

"What do you say?" I ask Catherine. There is laugher in her eyes and a smile is gracing her lips

We all know that if the scariest part of the ordeal we've been through is over, the worse is still to come. There are so many things to do, so much to talk about, so much to fix. But this is our moment. We're all enjoying this, the sensation to be alive again. It's one of those moments that remind you that life worse being lived. The whole word around has faded away for a moment only to make room for perfection. We're surrounded with happiness, and there is no room for worries, so yes it is perfect. I take a little time to carve this moment into my heart. It is truly perfect.

"What if we lose?" Catherine says.

"You will all be mine for an entire day." I say smiling.

Catherine thinks about it, she turns to her sister and her daughter and then she looks at me again. She has her predatory look.

"I'd say…count me in."

I extend my hand to the three women in front of me. "Game's on." They take my hand to seal our deal.

"Now if you ladies would excuse me, it is a secret recipe so you'll have to wait for my call in the living room." I say solemnly.

They obey and let me in the kitchen. I'm grateful that all the ingredients I need are there.

Call me conceited if you want, I'll assume it. Come on, let's face it, I grew up in a bed and breakfast. Me and my brothers didn't have a happy childhood. But there were times when my parents were actually fulfilling their parent's part. They taught us how to cook. Those days were rare but they were the happiest we ever had. Culinary talents. That's the only thing our parents ever gave us. Their only testimony of love, supposing they knew the meaning of that word. That is why I'm so proud of my culinary talents. Most of the recipes were family secrets, they were passing from generation to generation for at least half a century. Those recipes are the most precious thing I have from my childhood. There are only good memories linked to it. As for the cocoa, this is the most famous of our recipes. It is maybe the most famous cocoa from California, experts will tell you. I hope one day I'll have someone teach those things to, I really do.

Thirty minutes later my cocoa is ready to be taste. So I go to the living room only to find the girls watching cartoons and laughing. Who would have known? Another moment I carve into my heart. I cough lightly.

"If those Ladies are ready, their cocoa is served." I say in a butler style. They turn to me and smile.

We all go back to the kitchen. They sat around the table waiting for me to serve them. I hand each of them a mug and they wait a minute before drinking it. I watch them silently as they take their first sip. At the minute the liquid touches their tongue their eyes widened. They put their mug down onto the table and watch them for a moment as if transfix by it.

"Wow" Catherine says after clearing her throat.

"You said it." Nancy adds.

"Yeah" Cake says.

I can feel the cockiest smile forming onto my lips, I don't even bother to try to hide it.

"I told you." I say more than a little proud of myself.

"Actually you didn't. You said it was the best ever but it's more than that." Nancy says.

"She's right. You know if one day you quit your job as an investigator, just open a coffee shop and you'll get rich." Catherine continues.

Cake sighs and seems a little bit disappointed. "So I guess we lose."

I chuckle. "Yes you did. And I'll collect my gain later."

xxxxx

Thirty other minutes have past. They savoured their cocoa until the last drop. Cake yawns, and that's the clue that it's time to go to bed. I feel my heart tightening a little, I don't want to go home right now. I don't want to let this go.

"Come on sweetie, it's bedtime" Catherine says caressing her daughter's hair.

They stand from the table. Cake hugs Nancy and kisses her goodnight. Catherine does the same. Then Cake turn to me and hugs me tight.

"Goodnight Sara." I return her embrace and lean down a little so I'm sure no one but her will hear.

"Goodnight Cake. Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite." She giggles. I kiss her forehead before letting her go.

Catherine is standing there looking at us. This is a bit awkward. We never had volunteer, easy touches. I can see her discomfort. She wants to hug me and in the same time she's afraid of rejection. I understand her that's how I always feel around her. But I'm willing to make this perfect moment we just shared last. So I open my arms widely to invite her in my embrace. Relief crosses her eyes and then she's in my arms. She's holding me strongly enough to nearly cut my breath. Not that I complain, far away from it.

"Goodnight Sara." She muffles against my shoulder. Then she lifts her head up so we're looking in each other eyes. She looses her grip and sets her hands on my hips. I cup her face with both my hands and kiss her forehead gently. I let my lips linger a little bit longer. I shouldn't do this, it's intoxicating. When I look at her again her eyes are closed. I swear I've heard her breath quiver while my lips touched her skin and I felt her hands clenching my sweater. She opens her eyes slowly and looks at me. I smile at her gently.

"Goodnight Catherine." My thumbs caress her cheeks. I definitely carve this moment into my heart, I know it will be the last. We hold the gaze a moment but she averts her eyes so I let her go. I discover that we're alone in the kitchen.

"Lindsey's waiting for me." She says before retreating in her bedroom.

xxxxx

I get into the living room. Nancy is cleaning. I sit on the couch. And start to think of all that have happened in those last three days. I'm to blame for what happened. Maybe not entirely but I've got my part. When I think that Cake could have been raped or worse die, I despise myself. My intentions were good – my whole life I've been on a road paved with it – yet as with everything good in my life before, I've managed to blow it up. That's why I think it is for the best if I take some distance with the Willows family. Honestly I doubt that after what happened Catherine will let me near Lindsey again. Right now she feels like she owed me something. But soon enough the morning will come, so will the clarity. I've learnt really early that life wasn't fair and that every mistake we make has to be paid. Now as an adult I know that I have to take my responsibilities.

I'd rather go now than waiting for Catherine to ask me to leave. I'd rather keep my dignity.

The worse part of all this is that now I have a taste of what life could be. I have a taste of what I'm missing. You don't regret or miss something you've never had. But now I know and for a brief period I've had it. But I don't regret anything – except for Cake running away that is, I cherish every Goddamn second of it.

Nancy sits next to me on the couch.

"Can we sleep on the couch again?" She asks bluntly. I chuckle.

"I'll be glad to share this couch with you again." She smiles softly.

We stay silent for a moment. I think of all the things we have shared lately. She's the sister I've never had, the lover I wish I had and the friend I'm glad to have. With her I don't feel the necessity of hiding behind walls. It's rare when I feel this with someone.

"It's over" she whispers.

"Yeah."

"I feel like I had learnt how to breathe only a few hours ago."

"We're on the surface now. We've been drowning slowly until our lungs burnt. Now we're back in the surface." I say.

"I call Jeremy and told him. I think he cried out of relief."

"You know he is part of the bet we made earlier. Bring him along, it will be fun." I say out of the blue.

She smiles at me and sighs deeply. "Thanks." Somewhere I feel like she's not thanking me only for the offer.

Then she starts to fix the space in front of her for a few seconds. Suddenly she starts to cry. Her sobs are violent. It's the first time she let herself truly go. I take her in my arms and rock her a little.

"Come here… It's ok, the nightmare is over." I soothe her.

Minutes pass before her shaking subsides. Once she calms I take her shoes off and kick off mine. Then we lay on the couch in our familiar position. Her breathing is still irregular and she's sobbing a little. So I pull her further against my body. She tightens her grip on my waist. I kiss her head and then we drift into sleep.

I'm happy and honoured to have been allows to know such a person. Happy to have been allow to have those things even if it was for a short period of time. I'm enjoying it until the last minute.

For once I'm happy.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: Catherine**

Lindsey's sleeping. She's peaceful while she sleeps. She's always had a quiet breathing while she sleeps. When she was a baby and that she was sleeping on her very own room, I remember staying awake a long time just to make sure that she was breathing. Right now I can't sleep, I don't want to. I'm so scared to discover that this is just a dream, that she isn't there with me. So I just hold her tight and watch the rise and fall of her chest.

It's been a while since we shared my bed. I remember there was a time – not so long ago, where we have our special mother and daughter time. Generally it would be during the week-end. We would lay on my bed and have long talk about everything – I made it a point of honour to be totally open with my daughter, so they weren't taboos in our talk. Then after talking for hours we would have a nap in each other arms. My room was, for an afternoon at least, our sanctuary. I miss those times. Since Eddie's death we have a dialogue of deaf. I intend on changing that. I want to rebuild our sanctuary.

I'm thankful that she is there with me. Again. I'll never let her go again. I'll make all the sacrifices that have to be made to make her happy, to be good mother and to rebuild our relationship. It's a long way to go, there are no doubts about that, but it worth it. I've nearly lost her twice, I won't let it happened a third time.

I was so overwhelmed when she got back that I didn't even thank Sara. After all she's the one that brought my baby back home. My relationship with this woman is so confusing. I always thought that she didn't like me. Yet she has always been there for me. Why? I don't know, I mean I've never ever let her a chance.

She has been there for Lindsey for quite some time apparently. I have to admit that it's the most annoying point of it all. Well the fact that I was out of it was bothering me. She's been interacting with my daughter, on my back. Since our relationship has never been good I had good reasons to be suspicious and totally lost it.

It was a proof of my failure to my mother's part. And the irony of all this was infuriating. I mean, Sara has always said that she wasn't good with children. Yet she was the one my daughter has chosen to turn to and more she was the one that can have what I couldn't with Lindsey: communication. Then we had our fight and I hurt her. Truth to be told on the heat of the moment I wanted to strangle her. After that fight I thought that we would never ever interact with each other. Yet when I got to her apartment and told her about Lindsey, she didn't hesitate, she didn't give it a second thought, she comforted me and supported me. I gave her all the reasons to give up on me but she stayed. I have to say that I'm impressed by her stubbornness.

It's a shame that it had to be a desperate situation to make me open my eyes to who she really is, to make me want to know her.

She's been there for Lindsey and she fought on my corner. While I was thinking that she was messing with my baby's mind, telling her how mean I was, how I used my sexuality, all of those things she thinks about me; in fact she was reminding my daughter that I loved her. I have to give it to her, she has always been honest, and blunt with me. She has never bothered to sweeten the pill before she made me swallow it. So I don't know, maybe I was paranoid, maybe I needed to believe that she was setting my daughter against me. It's always easier to put the blame on someone else.

Come to think about it I also have to apologize for being physically violent with her. I'm ashamed of myself. Violence is the language of the idiots. Sara and I have always communicate through anger and rage, but never with our fists. I've tried to apologize before but it seems like she didn't want me to. She kept saying that it was ok, but even I know that it isn't. God, there's lot of things we have to talk about. And I'm not talking about the things I have to figure out. Like for example, those weird moments that we have had, or the fact that I was thinking of her when I've hit the bottom, or the effects she has on me. Now is not the time, and honestly thinking about it right now, only gives me a big headache.

I keep thinking about what Lindsey told me. About our fight. Her words haunt me. I slapped her because it was unfair and uncalled for. Well that's not true. Truth is that her words hit me like a furious fist in the stomach. Not because they were mean, but because they were partly true.

Truth is that she was right. Lately, with my promotion, I've neglected her. I'm having a hard time at work. Being a supervisor means that I have to prove myself all over again. It's no excuse for letting my baby down but it's a reason. But all the time I could get, I tried to spend it with her, and seeing our strained relationship and the whole 'who's going to ignore the other the longer' thing, I have to admit that there wasn't any real difference between me being there and me being at work. So yes it was easy to dodge the bullet by blaming Sara.

Then she had another point about me and my boyfriends. I think I have spend a lot of time in relationships that were going nowhere. I have never put my boyfriends first though. Never. But I've never pick the guys I could have a real relationship with either. She was right they were – most of them at least, losers. The proof is that I've never envisioned a future with them, I liked them but I didn't loved them. They were a distraction, a way to have an emotional release. They were a side of my life not a part of it. I never realise that it was upsetting Lindsey that much and that's why I'm so mad at myself.

No need to sort out my priorities, Lindsey comes first in whatever circumstances. Never doubt, never look back. What's done can't be undone, but I can learn from my mistakes. Now I have the opportunity to take a fresh start and I'll be damn if I let pass this chance.

I kiss my daughter's head. And I let myself drift into sleep.

xxxxx

I wake up only to find myself alone in the bed. Saying that I'm panicking doesn't even start to cover what I'm feeling right now. A dream, no a cruel dream, that's what it has been. My daughter isn't back. My head starts to spinning, I'm about to puke my guts out, I want to scream but my breath is stuck in my throat, I can't breathe, I'm falling. My heart is about to pulverize my rib cage with its erratic pace.

That's when the door opens itself. Lindsey appears and rushes to my side.

"Mom?" My brain just don't seem to process everything that's happening. "Mom? are you ok?" Her eyes are full of concern. I can't really hear her so much my heart is beating noisily. "Mom, you're scaring me!"

"I thought it was a dream... I thought that you weren't back... I thought..." I take her in my arms to make sure that everything is real. I have a death grip but I need this to stop myself from falling in despair.

"It's ok I'm here...for real... I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you." She whispers to soothe me.

"I know it's just that..." I can't put words on my fear so I just squeeze her.

"I needed to go to the bathroom, and then I took a glass of water. I was about to get back to bed when I saw aunt Nancy and Sara asleep on the couch, so I put a cover on them. I wasn't out for more than five minutes. I'm sorry."

Don't ask me why but my mind gets stuck on the part where Sara and Nancy are sleeping together. Again. For a moment I feel my body heat raising up out of rage and jealousy. I think I really have issues, serious emotional issues.

"What time is it?" I ask as I release her.

"It's 3 a. m." She answers.

"Let's get back to sleep."

We resume our earlier position. My heart is pounding against my chest, I think I won't be able to sleep for a while.

"I won't runaway again mom." She suddenly says.

"Those were the worst days of my life..." I tell her honestly. "I know I'm the one to blame for what happened. I regret baby... I really do."

"I've got my part of responsibilities too."

"No, you were right... You told me the truth and I wasn't willing to hear it."

"Mom..."

"Please let me finish." I take a deep breath before pouring my heart out. "You were right, I've neglecting you for my work and I didn't take time for you lately. I have no excuse for that, because you are the most precious thing I have in my life. Without you, I can't breathe, life is pointless, I can't be. Never doubt that because it's true. I love you more than I love life itself. I thought I had lost you and now that your back I won't ever make the same mistakes. But you'll have to help me, to shake me senseless when I take the wrong way." I pause. "Lately we haven't been communicating, it was killing me. But I won't let this happen again. From now on I want you to speak to me of everything that is bothering you, I will listen to you. There are a lot of things that need to be fixed. I want to fix them but I'll need your help baby."

"I want to fix them too. I want to be able to talk to you again. I want everything to be like before, like when we were happy. I can't stand the sadness anymore." She says with a little voice.

"Good because I can't stand it neither."

"I miss Daddy..." My heart tightens but I shut the hurt down. "I don't say that to hurt you, I just miss him." She's struggling with words. "Since he died, you are sad, I am sad. Then at school it's like there wasn't anyone that could understand me. I'm the girl who's father has been killed. They make fun of me and they say nasty things about Daddy." She pauses and bit back her tears "I'm not stupid, I know that he wasn't a perfect man, that he was cheating on you, that he lied and that he wasn't a very clean business man... but he never ever let me down. He was loving me and in the end that's the only thing that matters. So I fight with those kids because they have no right to speak of him the way they do."

I'm dumbstruck. She knew much more than I thought. In fact I never thought that she knew about Eddie's defaults. I've did my best to hide this side of him to her. I have a smart daughter, what else can I say? I've never hidden who I used to be to Lindsey but I've never said anything about Eddie because that wasn't my story to tell.

"There is so much rage inside of me that it scares me." She continues. "I don't mean to be a bad girl but sometimes I feel like I could destroy everything that come into my way. I did all those things for you to notice me. It's like I was screaming but no one was listening."

"I know the feeling. I'm sorry for not hearing your call." I soothe her.

"I didn't want to hurt you. That's why I turned to Sara to speak of daddy. I know you don't like to talk about it because it makes you sad and angry."

"I'm sorry baby. But now whenever you want to talk about him just tell me and we will talk about him."

"You don't have to." She's letting me an exit door.

"I know but I want to." I kiss her head.

The silence falls between us. It's the first heart-to-heart we has in ages. This one is painful but salvating at the same time.

"So Sara is a good friend huh?" I say.

"Yeah, she's my best friend. I'm sorry for calling her on your back. But I needed to talk to someone when you weren't around or when you were mad at me." She says shyly.

"I wasn't mad, just frustrated not to be able to reach you, but I'm not anymore"

"We were... seeing each other at the library. She's the one who was helping me with my math." She confesses. I already knew it but I'm touched by her honesty.

"Ok."

"Don't force me to give up on our friendship...please. It is important for me. I know that you and Sara aren't great friends, but she is mine."

"I won't, don't worry, but in the future don't hide things from me." I won't lie, it's not the most enjoyable thing that could be. But who am I to keep my baby from who she's considering as her friend. Besides I have to admit that after what happened I'm sure that Sara will take a good care of my daughter.

"Mom, there is something I need to tell you..." She seems almost scared.

"I'm all ears" I reassure her. " You can tell me everything."

Then she tells me about what happened those last days. I can feel my blood boiling while she mentions the 'Joey' part. But I keep my cool and take care of her while she cries. If this kid ever shows up again it will be the last time he ever sees the sunlight, I can swear it. But now all that matters is my daughter.

We fall asleep after a while, our respective hearts being a little lighter than an hour earlier.

* * *

**Thanks for reading...**

**So ;)**


	15. Chapter 15

**Thanks for the reviews ;). I don't take offence when you call me on my vocabulary, on the opposite I appreciate that you make it, it's good to learn :). Anyway, I'm on holidays at last! My last class was this morning and I am so happy right now. So much that instead of two new chapters you'll get four... Happy holidays everyone!**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So

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Chapter 15: Sara

My eyes fly open suddenly, my heart is thundering on my chest, my breath is short, I can feel cold sweat running down my spine. Where am I? Who's touching me?

"That was quite a nightmare you had." A soft voice says. I know this voice. Nancy, that's Nancy's voice. That's right, I'm on Catherine's couch with Nancy. Her hand is caressing my head but the vivid nightmare is still imprinton me so I flinch. "It's ok, you're safe." She lays her hand on my sweaty forehead again this time I let her touch soothe me.

"I'm sorry." I mutter.

"It's ok." She says.

"No it's not. I didn't mean to wake you up." I berate myself.

"You didn't I was already awake." I can't tell if she says this only to make me feel better.

I lean in her touch. It's a new sensation. Usually there's no one with me while I'm having nightmares. No one to reassure me, while my demons play with me. Usually I'm alone with my memories, usually I don't bother trying to sleep.

"There goes my human pillow reputation." I say after a moment.

"Well not really." She tries.

"I was fidgeting, sweating, and something's telling me that I was mumbling too, so..."

"Well the principal quality of a human pillow is the human part, and as far as I'm concerned you're one of the best human being I know... after me that is." She giggles.

"You never give up, do you?"

"I don't know the meanings of those words." She gets serious again "Besides you were having a nightmare, what kind of human being would you be without fears, nightmares and weakness?" My body tenses a little. "Sara, 10 minutes of worry won't erase the hours of comfort."

I give up. Whatever I say she always find the right words, the ones that reassure me. What's the point of arguing?

"Still I'm sorry."

"Don't. It's ok." She pauses and hesitates a bit. "Do you want to talk about it?"

It's funny when I think about it, it's actually the first time someone asks me this. It has always been 'tell me what's going on.' or 'I want to know' or worse 'I need to know.'. But never did someone ever ask me what I wanted. They say I'm not a people person because I don't talk about me much. Ok, not at all. But it's just because I don't like to be pressured. It's hard to talk for me, I'm so used not to. It takes me some time to be totally at ease, generally when I'm ready people are already gone. Why? Because they want everything in the instant. But I can't do that. 'What's going on?', what kind of question is that? It couldn't be any less specific. 'I want to know, I _need_ to know', people are seeking for the satisfaction of their curiosity. I'm a weird thing that they analyse. It's psychological violence.

But 'Do you want to talk about it?'. So easy, so simple and specific. Those are seven words that make the difference between curiosity and concern; between an ultimatums and a choice. Because that's what she's giving me: a choice. For a moment I'm tempted to give in, but I don't want to right now.

"Not really... But thanks for offering."

"No problems. If you change your mind the offer still stands."

Silence falls between us.

"It's getting hot in here." I say. I just realise that my lower body is really warm.

Nancy chuckles and with a seductive tone she says "Are you hitting on me?"

"I..." My brain short-circuits but it will be back in a second. "I...uh..." Ok maybe two.

"I'm so sexy and irresistible, of that I know, but I told you, I'm into men." She's enjoying herself, I can tell.

"You know I didn't point out the first time you called yourself the best human being ever, but I have to say that your head is swelling a little."

"Hey, it's hard to be perfect!" She replies.

"See your head is about to be too big for the couch."

"You can sleep on the floor."

"It's really hot, I'm not kidding." I say again.

"You're not a really smooth talker. But I understand that you would try again."

"Your head is about to explode I swear it."

"Don't worry about it."

"You know if we keep on doing this – sleeping together, I mean – your husband might start to have suspicions." I say jokingly.

"My what?" Her voice is full of surprise.

"You know Jeremy's father..."

"Oh him... You meant his genitor... He fled faster than the light the day I told him he was about to be a father." She says with contempt. I mentally kick my ass for killing the mood.

"Well he was stupid..."

"I guess..."

"No, he was. Why leaving the most perfect woman otherwise?" I try to reassure her. I can hear her smile.

"Yeah, thanks."

For the first time there's an uncomfortable silence between us.

"Now seriously, it's hot in there." I repeat.

"I think Linds put a cover on us earlier."

"Ok. Well it's too much for me." She pushes the cover away.

"Better?"

"Yeah. It's ok for you?"

"I'm a little cold."

"Don't worry I'm hot..." I say suggestively.

"Sara!"

"It's true!"

"Who's got the big head now?" She asks sarcastically.

"Hey, you can deny it but your body can't. I mean you spent two nights on top of me, but I can't blame you after all... I am hot!" I say with a sultry tone.

"You... I... I'll push you off the couch" She threats me, pushing me little.

"No you won't."

"You want to bet?" She challenges me. I'm smart enough to know that she would if I give her the chance.

"Ok you're right I'm not hot..." I send a bait.

"There, it's better." She takes it.

"I'm _seriously_ hot." And I score!!

Although I can't see her I'm sure she's making a good imitation of the fish out of the water right now.

"Hun!"

"Are you sticking your tongue at me?" I ask.

"Yeah!" I giggle. "It's not funny!" She hits my stomach softly.

"You're conscious that it's dark and I can't see it?" I manage to say.

"You...I... aargh!!!" Se hits me and we laugh as silently as we can.

Once our laugh subside we stay silent. I said it once and I say it again, I don't know what I've done in my previous life to have the luck to know such a person but I'm glad I did it.

"What time is it?" I ask.

"According to the VCR, 5 a. m." I can feel her gaze on me even in the dark. "How about we get back to sleep a bit more?"

"I like the idea."

Usually I can't go back to sleep once my eyes are open. But her comforting presence just calms me. I lean into our embrace and drift back to sleep.

xxxxx

I open my eyes only to close them again. Light is bad. I manage to open them again. The VCR indicates 7:23 a. m. . Time to get up I guess. Nancy stirs a little.

"Good morning, sleepy _head_" I say.

"Oh that's funny. Good morning." She moans softly.

The living room is filled with the morning light.

"How do you feel?" She asks with a concerned voice.

"I'm ok."

We hear sounds coming from the kitchen. Catherine and Cake must be up too. I smell the sweetest scent ever.

"Coffee..." I breathe out.

"Yeah..." Nancy mimics me.

Ok now all I have to do is moving. But my body isn't really cooperative. So I'm just there holding Nancy waiting for the motivation.

"Good morning you two." Cake says from above us.

"Hey, good morning." We answer.

"Breakfast is ready." With that she disappears.

"Ok time to get up" I sigh.

"Yeah let's go." Nancy sounds as motivate as I am, which means not very much.

We move from the couch and stand up. For a moment Nancy looks at me silently. I smile knowingly. I open my arms and she leans into them immediately.

"Good morning." I whisper and sigh.

"Good morning." She whispers back.

We enjoy our hug a moment, I kiss her head and then we let go. We head to the kitchen. Cake is sitting at the table with cereals and juice in front of her. Catherine is standing and leaning against the countertop, she looks a little grounchy.

"Good morning." I tell her. I think she didn't expect me to be there this morning.

"Morning." She mumbles.

I hear a thump.

"Ouch"

I turn to Nancy who's got a hand on her head. I look at her and wait for an explanation.

"I just hit my head" She winces.

I try to hold a laugh but it's really hard. With the most serious ton I can manage I say. "Lucky you it is made to absorb shocks" I giggle.

"Seems like being hot has burnt some of your brain cells." She sends me back.

"Oh that's low." I say.

"Bla bla bla..." She sticks her tongue at me.

"And that's supposed to be perfect..." I say before receiving a dish rag on the face. We laugh together.

Cake joins us. "Why do I feel like I'm the only mature person in this room?" She says. And we laugh harder.

Once we calm down a bit I realise that Catherine isn't playing with us. She looks hurt and angry.

"Catherine are you ok?" I lay a hand on her arm but she steps back as if she'd been burnt.

"Yeah." Her tone is icy.

I think that's my cue to leave. I don't show it but her rejection is like a slap on the face. I knew she wouldn't want me around after what happened, I just didn't expect it to be so soon. There is a strained, and uncomfortable silence in the room. Catherine turns her back at me to reach for the coffee pot.

"I... uh... I'd better go." I stammer.

I turn and go to the living room. I put my shoes back on and gather my stuffs.

"Stay for the coffee at least." Nancy says.

I turn to face her.

"Nah... I've got a lot of things to do. The sooner I'll start..."

I pass her and from the bar I say goodbye to Catherine and Cake.

"Thanks for letting me crash here, Catherine." Her back is facing me. She doesn't move to face me. I make an effort to not letting show my hurt in my voice. "I'll see you at work. Bye Linds." With that I head to the door.

"Hey wait." I turn as Cake rushes on me and gives me a furious hug. I return it and then let go.

Nancy looks at me and we speak with our eyes mostly. "We have a deal." She finally says.

"I know." I smile gently at her and then I get to my car.

Once inside my car I sigh heavily. I look at the house for a moment. I feel empty now. It's like I've been dreaming about the perfect family and now I wake up to the loneliness of my life. Everything is just gone.

It's over.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16: Catherine**

What the hell is going on with me? I swore to myself to make things better between Sara and me, and what is the first thing I do? I blow her off. Nice, really nice. And this lasting feeling of jealousy is making me sick! First I saw Nancy and Sara on the couch, they looked like lovers, peaceful lovers, very close lovers, very in love lovers. You get the picture. You could feel the affection emanating from them. It just made me mad. And then they woke up and hugged each other – I feel like they spend most of their time in each other arms – and they had their private jokes, it just made me madder!!

I don't know that Sara. Five years working with Sara, and never once did I see this side of her. Not once! The Sara I know is cold, almost feelingless, workaholic, sarcastic, standoffish, not touchy at all. My sister met Sara what?... Three days ago and she gets to see a funny, caring, touchy, kind Sara. Three days and they slept together twice. Three days and they have their private jokes. Three days and they hug each other every goddamned five minutes. Three days and Sara let her whole walls down. THREE GODDAMNED DAYS!!! And me what do I get in five years? FIVE YEARS! Almost nothing.

Now my daughter and my sister must think that I'm a lunatic. The air is thick in the kitchen as everyone eat in silence. My sister is trying to burn holes in me. She has that look saying 'what bug crawled up in your butt?". I need to get out.

My sister and Sara are friends. My daughter and Sara are friends. Me and Sara? We are nothing, acquaintances maybe, co-workers surely, but friends? Definitely not. But I want this to change. Ok the way I just reacted earlier is not a good example of my will to change things. But I do want to know the Sara my sister and my daughter know.

All this thinking is driving me insane and is giving me an headache. I need a long hot bath to clear my head and relax. Yeah that's what I need.

xxxxx

Hot water is relaxing my body. I was really tense those last days. I really needed this.

I don't know why but my mind drift back to Sara again. Go figure. I think about the way it feels to be in her arms. I think of last night. About the cocoa game. She seemed so free at this moment. She seemed herself, not this cold version of herself she is at work. She looked happy and at ease. She's beautiful while she smiles. Well she is beautiful all the time but when she smile, holy mama. There is a thought nagging in my head since yesterday night. I didn't know what it was then but now I do. Sara looked like she was a part of my family. The missing part.

Wow get back a little. Did I just say that she was beautiful?

Questions assault my head. That's too much for me to take right now. It makes my head spin. I don't want to know where that came from, let alone where it leads.

I need a cold shower.

xxxxx

I'm on the couch with my daughter. We're watching a movie.

We've been talking all the day. About everything and nothing. It's like we were trying to catch all the time we wasted. It's good to have her again. I asked her about filling a complain against Joey, but she refused. Not out of fear, she said she just didn't want to think about it anymore that it didn't worth it. I tried to argue, but she made it clear that it was her decision, I had no choice but respecting it.

Nancy got back home. She needed to see Jeremy. I think they will come to dinner with us. I know she expects me to explain myself about this morning but I'm not ready to speak about it now.

I take a look at Lindsey every three minutes or so, just to make sure she's really here. There is this part of me that is still afraid that all this be just a dream. So when she's not near me I go checking on her. I'm getting obsessive I know but I need this. Like right now she said that she'd get something to eat in the kitchen, it's been four minutes and she isn't back. I get up from the couch to check if she's still there. I see her behind the bar so I sit down again.

She comes back with some things to eat and two bottles of water.

"You don't have to check up on me every three minutes you know." She says watching the screen. "I won't disappear or... runaway again." She turns to me.

"I'm sorry... I guess I'm a little..."

"Paranoid?" She cuts me.

"Yeah. But I'm a mother , it's a quality. All mothers are overprotective and paranoid." I say chuckling a little.

"I like that you notice me now. But it could become a little suffocating. Besides it could get you white hair before the time."

"I'll try to control myself."

"I won't runaway again mom." She repeats.

I nod to her and pass my hand in her hair. Then, we enjoy the last part of the movie.

xxxxx

Nancy and Jeremy are there. We're enjoying a family dinner. We should do this more often. Kids are laughing. I think Jeremy is impressed with Lindsey's behaviour, although he doesn't say it I know that's what he thinks. She did something 'wild'. Well my daughter has grown up a little too fast I have to say.

We finish to eat, the kids go talk in Lindsey's room while Nancy and I take the coffee.

"How is it going?" She asks me.

"Pretty good so far. I'm a little paranoid but it's ok."

"It will pass later." She reassures me.

We silently enjoy the moment. I'm surprised she didn't ask me about what happened this morning.

"Now that you seem to be calm and yourself again can I ask you a question?" I knew it couldn't last.

"Like you needed my permission..." I say sarcastically.

"You're right but it was just for the form."

"Go ahead. Shoot."

"What happened this morning?"

"What are you talking about?" I try to play dumb but she doesn't buy it a second.

"I'm talking about you being icy cold with Sara."

"Oh that... I don't know. You know she'll get over it. She's tough" I spit.

"First, stop avoiding the question. Second that's not an excuse." She says. I know she won't let me get away with this anytime soon.

"Oh come on, what the matter for you anyway?"

"Well first she's my friend and then you could have wait a little bit before being all bitchy with her again." Her tone is angry.

"Yeah right she's your new friend I forgot that." I snort "You've been knowing her for what? Three days and she's already your best friend. What a joke." I say. I don't know if it's my jealousy or my pride that is talking. Maybe it's both.

"Well yeah she's my friend and I don't understand why it bothers you so much. Then I think that's not the point right now."

"Well I don't have to justify myself." I say angrily.

"You're ridiculous Cath."

"Don't insult me!" I really don't like the turn our conversation is taking.

"You could have wait."

"This conversation is over." I say. I stand and turn my back on her to emphase my statement. I start to wash my mug violently.

"Whatever." She marks a beat and sighs. "No, you know what? I have to say it. You do realise that she brought Lindsey back home, right? That if it hadn't been for her Lindsey probably wouldn't be here? I mean get your head out of your butt for a second. How could you be so ungrateful? Yes you've been through hell those last three days, and I hate to break it to you but so were we. She has done everything to find Lindsey. She's been there for you all the time and most of all she's been there for Lindsey. You didn't even thank her. Not once. I don't say that you two have to be friends but just that after all she has done for you and this family, the least you could have done was giving her a break. And your behaviour this morning was uncalled-for." She snorts. "No wonder she's so guarded from you. I mean you're hostile without any reason, giving her one more reason to keep you away." She sighs. "I'm your sister and I can handle anything you throw at me even if it hurts and God knows that you can be merciless sometimes. But I can get over it. People have feelings Catherine, you can't just lash out on them whenever you feel out of your depth." She sighs again. "I don't know what's the matter with you but you better fix it quick because one day it will play against you."

I turn to her. I can't take anymore of this. I am fuming. I can feel tears of rage burning my eyes. "Are you done?" I ask through my teeth.

"Yes." She hold my gaze.

"Then I think you should go home, it's late." Rare are the times where I kick my sister out of my house but rare are the times where she puts me back in my place too. Generally we have a violent argument where she is right and I'm wrong and then we can't speak to each other for days – until I apologize to her. Once again she' right but I really don't needed this right now. I don't needed my faults to be blown on my face.

"Whatever." She turns to leave and I try to burn holes in her with my eyes. I am so pissed off.

She go gets Jeremy who's in Lindsey's room.

"Bye Linds, see you on Monday" She says and get out. Jeremy kisses me goodbye and joins his mother outside.

Lindsey stands in front of me, watching me with concern.

"Is everything ok?" She asks.

"Yeah." I answer.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Lindsey I'm sure." My tone is a little harsh. I can't see hurt in her eyes. Shit.

"I'm going to bed. Goodnight." And with that she leaves the kitchen.

Good job Willows. Really good job.

xxxxx

I've spend the whole night turning in my bed. Nancy's diatribe kept me up all night.

Now it's 5 a. m. , I'm lying on my bed staring at the ceiling, waiting for answers to fall I guess.

Nancy's right, I know it. And that's why it pisses me off. I know she's right and now I owe her apologies. But in order to do that first I have to bit back my pride. And that will take a little time.

I hate it when she does that. When she acts like she was the older one. When she scolds me, she's a professional T crosser. I hate it when she proves that she is the most mature one. I just hate it! I hate it but I need it. Ironic huh? Tell me about it.

I need to talk to Sara.

xxxxx

I go to the lab in order to find her. I've let Lindsey at home, I can't stand the idea of letting her alone in the house, but she asked me to trust her and said that she would keep on sleeping anyway.

I head straight to the locker room. It's 7 a. m.. It must be the end of her shift by now. There she is. She is changing her clothes. How do I know? Because I'm staring at her stripping off her shirt. I'm ogling her, oh boy... The worse is that I am actually enjoying it. I can feel myself salivate in anticipation. What the...?

But my clinical observation of her body stops when I see faded bruises on her back and her arm. There is also some scratches. And it takes me time to register where those ugly marks come from. I'm the one who did that to her. I mentally capture this vision of horror and exit the locker room without being noticed. I head right to my car. Once inside I lock myself and start to drive home.

I go check on Lindsey who's still sleeping. My trip lasted forty minutes.

I start to pace in the living room. What have I done? When I think about Sara's bruises I feel disgust flowing in my veins. I didn't realise that I had been so violent the other day. I just knew I had cross the line of physical violence. But it didn't cross my mind that I actually had left marks on her. And here I thought that the only real physical marks, were the ones she made to herself hitting the wall. I dug my nails so deep in her arms that it has bled. And those bruises... Who am I?

I've hurt her physically, enough to let marks, yet she hasn't say anything about it. She stayed near me. She's been there for me, offering me the support I needed. How could she let me be near her again after what I've done?

I feel myself shaking a little. I still am a monster.

xxxxx

Weeks have passed in a blur. I haven't speak to Nancy since our argument. I just drop Lindsey in front of the house but I don't even get in. When she comes to take Lindsey she stays in her car too. We're back to those old days when we play to 'I'll ignore you as long as you will ignore me'. Of course it's only up to me to make it change, because I'm the guilty one, we both know it. I know it's immature from me to let this lasting, but it's me. Nancy knows how I can be, she's not upset because I ignore her, she's just giving me the time to grow up.

My relationship with Lindsey keeps on getting better every day. But there is this strange feeling growing inside me. I'm so scared of myself, scared of what I'm capable to do. I'm so scared that I barely show affection to Lindsey. Sure she hugs me, but I never initiate the contact. I swear the mark of my hand on her cheek is still visible. Maybe I'm the only one to see it but the fact is that it's there.

I have those nightmares where I beat Lindsey to death. Like those people I arrest all the time. Those who kill other people for trivial reasons. In my nightmare I beat Lindsey for nothing and I seem to enjoy it. When it's not Lindsey, it's Sara. What scares me the most is to know that I could actually do those things. I've already hit them once. What's keeping me from doing it again? After all I'm human. So I can feel repulse by the idea but there is nothing that is truly preventing me from doing such things. I've crossed a big line. And I can't go back.

I don't trust myself now. So I try to stay as away as possible from Lindsey. I return her touch but I don't touch her. I think she senses that there is something wrong but she doesn't say anything. I'm so scared that my nightmare might come true. I try to control myself and whenever I feel like I'm upset or mad at something, I lock myself into my room. That way I won't lost it. I won't hurt anyone.

I'm a monster. I'm a loose canon with a gun.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17: Sara**

"Sidle."

_"Hey it's me_."

"Cake." I smile, it's been a while since I've actually heard her voice.

_"Listen, I've asked aunt Nancy if it was ok for you to come and she is more than happy about it..."_

"Wow, hold on. Where do you want me to go?" I say chuckling.

_"You can come at Nancy's house. That way we can see each other a little more."_

"Oh. That's great." I say.

_"You don't sound so pleased about it. I thought that you would be as ecstatic as I am. This is a great new!"_

"I am... it's just that... nevermind. That's great." I say with more enthusiasm.

_"Are you ok?"_

"I think I'm a little tired."

_"Oh, that's right you just finished to work... I'm sorry."_ She berates herself.

"Hey don't worry, it's good to hear you."

_"Yeah it's good to hear you too. Well, I'll call you later."_

"Ok."

_"Oh, and by the way Nancy says hi."_

"Well tell her hi for me would you."

_"I will. Bye, take care."_

"You too, bye."

That's great.

I'd like to say that I really am happy. But the fact is that I think that my interactions with Cake are a little compromised for now. Besides seeing each other at Nancy means, in Catherine's back again. And after what happened this isn't a possible option. Well not now at least. Not until Catherine gives her assent. And that time is not planned anytime soon. So I'll have to let Cake know that we won't be able to see each other for a while. She won't like the idea but I think it's best.

xxxxx

"Sidle."

_"Sara... Hi."_ I could recognize that voice anywhere. It just make my heart beats faster every time. It's... Catherine

"Hi."

_"I need to talk to you."_ Her voice is strange.

"Is everything ok?" I ask with concern.

_"Well not really... that's why we need to talk."_ I don't know if I should be scared or anything.

"Uh... ok"

_"Can you come over as soon as possible?"_

"I can be there in thirty minutes... is that ok with you?"

_"Yeah, see you then."_ And with that she hangs up.

I don't know what to think, honestly. But one thing is sure my mind is on overdrive right now. I feel like I'm into the death row. I drive at a slow pace to Catherine's. Trying desperately to gain time and to steady myself. I pull into her driveway. I wait a few minutes before going to her door.

I knock softly. She opens the door almost immediately. She invites me in and leads us to the living room where two mugs of steamy coffee wait for us. Well...

I sit down on the couch and face her as she's mimicking me. It seems like I'm not the only one to be nervous. She doesn't look like she was about to talk so I decide to speak because our silence is too uncomfortable.

"How are you?» I ask gently. She mumbles something I don't understand. She hasn't look at me yet. She seems focus on her hands. "Catherine?" I try again.

"It doesn't matter." She brushes me off. She's lost somewhere in her thought, I don't push her. "How... Why didn't you say anything about it?" She asks out of the blue.

"Why I didn't say anything about what?" I'm honestly lost.

"About your back." She says looking at the carpet. It takes me some second to understand the meaning of her statement.

"There was, still is and never will be anything to say about it." I say with a soft emotionless voice. I sigh and I stand. I'm not at ease with this topic. "If it's what's bothering you, don't worry about it."

"I can't do that." She whispers.

"I'm sorry I can't help you then. As far as I'm concerned nothing happened." Her head snaps up and she looks at me. There is uncertainty, fear and hurt in them.

"How can you be so dismissive? I bullied you... I hit you which is a bad thing alone but I hit you hard enough to let traces... How can you be concerned about me when I did such a thing to you? How can you forget something like this? I can't." She almost shouts at me.

I sigh. "Look, bruises fade away. And I'm not made of sugar, I'm fine. So everything is ok."

"No it's not! I've hit you and Lindsey. I'm a monster. I did it once, what's keeping from doing it again?" She stands too and starts to pace the living room.

"It won't happened again. You've made a mistake, every human being does. But I know that you won't do the same mistake again." My tone is soft.

"I'm not as sure as you are."

"Believe me it won't happen again." I never thought Catherine could be so insecure.

"Oh yeah? And how would you know?" Her voice is full of anger. I don't understand her.

"I know you. You're not like this." My anger starts to rise up in me but I keep it in check.

"Yeah you know me!" she snorts "You don't know anything about me!" She snaps. She's shooting daggers at me with her eyes. I don't know how we got on our battlefield but we've never been there so fast.

"Alright I don't know you. But there's one thing I never have any doubt about: you love Lindsey. You really do and that's why it won't happen again." I state calmly. I don't want to get in a fight but I have to say it's hard to resist the temptation.

"You're right I love her, but it didn't stop me from slapping her the other day." She snorts with disdain. "You don't know what it's like to be a mother. You don't know the worry, the anger we can get through. I've crossed the line. There were times before where I wanted to spank her for being disobedient or for doing dangerous things. But I never had crossed the line. Now I did, so you see no matter how much I love her I'm still a potential danger for her now."

"That's not true and you know it. This isn't you. I saw you during those three days being eaten alive by worry, guilt and fear. I saw you dying because of what you had done. And I know that you've learnt from your mistake. You'd rather die than letting that happen again and we both know it. So stop saying this kind of crap." I'm mad. I don't know. Listening to her saying those things just makes me want to shake her senseless so she could see that she's not like that.

"You don't know what you're talking about! Get real Sara, everyday we see people like us doing worse. There is nothing that makes us better."

"You're not like those people Catherine. You're not infallible but you're not like those people. And it just makes me sick to listen to you cheapen yourself like that. You've hurt her physically so it's natural to be scared to do it again. But if you take the time to question yourself you'll know that I'm right. You are not like that." I shout. I'm mad for good. I wish she could be rational again so we could stop this fight.

"And how can you be so sure? Uh? Enlighten me since you have the great knowledge!" She says this with so much contempt that it almost hurt me physically.

I sigh deeply "You know what? I'm tired of this. Tired of those... games you make. I can't force you see the truth if you don't want to." I say this with a low empty voice. I turn to leave. I know where this fight is heading and I don't like it. I don't want my Pandora's box to be opened. I have to get out of here and I have do to it fast.

"See? Even you can prove me wrong." She snorts "Wake up Sara, everybody doesn't get the chance to be raised in a whole 'peace and love' concept like you did "

Well, I have to face it now, she has opened the box, my very own can of worms. This just unleashes something in me. A wild and vivid feeling. A feeling which wavers between rage and hurt. I turn and look at her. She expects me to play along. But I don't, I won't play this time. I will just lay the truth bare in front of her.

"You know, you're right I can't prove you wrong. There's nothing that can prevent you from hitting Lindsey again." I mark a beat. I can see that her confidence is fake. Her eyes display doubt, pure doubt and fear. "No, in fact there is something. There is a solution. We could take her away from you that way she will be safe from you." I can see her flinch just at the thought. Her body starts to shake a little. But I won't let her off the hook. She holds my gaze so I can see rage building inside her. Her maternal instinct is kicking in. Good.

"My parents used to _love_ me and my brother in a very particular way. They loved us with their words full of hatred and despise; with their angry fists; with their leather belts; and everything they could find that wasn't anywhere near their hearts. I can tell you that they loved us very much and they showed it at least once a day. There wasn't a week without their displays of love being rewarded with a trip at the hospital. My brother and I could name you all the hospitals from California at that time." I chuckle dryly. I'm moving toward her as I speak. She doesn't budge, just holds my gaze.

"Oh they loved us, with all the passion only love can arouse. We were a happy family only surrounded by love, pure love. But that love had limits. One day we've been deprived of this love. And to my surprise I didn't miss it." I stop inches away from her. She averts her eyes, but I'm not done yet. "Look at me Catherine." I order her. "I said look at me." I repeat "Look.At.Me." I repeat again through clenched teeth. This time she obeys and holds my gaze with much difficulty.

"There. Now go on and tell me that's the way you love Lindsey. Tell me that's the way you love her and you can bet everything you have that I will do everything that is in my power to keep her as far as humanly possible from you." I say slowly so she can ear every word loud and clear. I give her time and dare her to answer me. She opens her mouth, her lips are quivering and her eyes are displaying a kaleidoscope of emotions. But she closes it and averts her eyes again.

"I love my daughter." She whispers to the floor before looking at me again. "I love my daughter, I really do. But I love her with all my heart." She let her tears falling freely.

"Good." I say between my teeth. Then I turn to leave. I leave her to process what just happened. I think she's too stunned to react right now.

I head to the door, not bothering looking at her again. I get out.

xxxxx

Once in my car I take my cell and dial a number.

_"Hello"_ Says the voice at the other hand.

"Hey, it's Sara... Hum... Is it ok for me to come over?"

_"Sure it is. You don't sound good. Are you ok?"_ The voice is full of concern. There wasn't any hesitation, just concern.

"No, not really." I answer honestly.

Ok. See you in a few.

I hang up and head to my destination.

xxxxx

I knock softly. The door opens almost immediately. Revealing a concerned Nancy.

"Come on in." She says, smiling at me softly.

I follow her inside. We go to the kitchen. She makes me sit at the table while she stands by the countertop.

I'm confused. I don't really know why I'm here. All I know is that I don't want to be alone at my apartment. Not after having dig up some of my darkest secrets. If I stay alone I know paranoia will get to me. I know I will relive those awful things over and over again. I can't face it now. I know what's coming next the vividest nightmares ever. Just thinking about it freezes my blood.

Nancy puts a coffee mug in front of me. She hasn't say a word. She just stares at me with a mix between concern and affection.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here, bothering you." I start to stand to get away but she catch my arm before I can move, and sits next to me.

"You're not bothering me. My house is open for you at anytime. Mi casa es su casa." She says gently. I send her a weak smile.

I get lost in my thoughts for a while. Thinking of what I've just done. I just revealed myself to Catherine. Now she knows some things about me. I just gave her more ground to hurt me, now she has more ammunitions against me. Nice job Sidle, that's the smartest idea you ever had and by far. I get nauseous.

Nancy drinks her coffee, waiting for me to talk. But I know that she stays silent because she wants me to know that I don't have to. That's why I like her, because she knows how to reassure me; how to reach me; because she doesn't force me to do or say anything; because she can share my silences without questioning them; because she lets me be.

"I just had a fight with Catherine." I suddenly say. I see a quick flash of anger cross her eyes, but concern and affection are back almost immediately. "It's not so much the fight that bothers me." I pause. "It's what it brought to the surface.".

She caresses my arms to soothe me and give me a look that say 'it's ok, you can tell me, I'm here for you.' . I don't know how but she inspires me trust and it's one of the rare person that makes me want to open myself. Ironically, the other person appears to be the only one I can reach without a fight. Yeah, you just guessed it right.

"It brought back to the surface a lot of memories. Memories I had buried deeply because I didn't want them. Because they scare me." I look at her to let her know that she can talk.

She scrutinizes me for a while. Something comes in her mind and she bits lightly her lower lip as if she wasn't sure if she should ask me whatever crossed her mind.

"Are those memories what fed your nightmares?" She asks gently. I guess I did more than mumbling in my sleep the other day.

I lift my head up and nod softly at her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She renews her offer.

I move my head from left to right. "I can't... Right now... I..." I don't even have the strength to make full sentences and I'm too drained to speak about those things again.

She nods and smiles at me softly. She stands and tugs me toward her, she envelops me in a big comforting hug. I lean in and tighten the embrace for a moment. That's all I can do to shut my emotions up, to keep me from crying and shattering into pieces. If only the room could stop spinning.

After a moment I release my grip. She looks at me and says "How do you feel?"

"Better. Thanks." I manage to grin slightly.

"Come on, let's crash on the couch." She says.

"I don't want to intrude... You don't have to..."

"Non sense, come on you look beat." She doesn't let me argue, truth to be told I don't really try to.

We set on her couch but this time we reverse our positions, so that I'm the one who's lying on top, and she's the one holding me.

"Try to rest ok?" She says. With that she leans to kiss my forehead and starts to caress my hair in order to make me sleep.

I close my eyes and let her keep my demons and fears at bay.

xxxxx

Surprisingly, when I wake up morning is back. I actually passed the night without being awake by my nightmares. I turn to see Nancy staring at me.

"How are you?" She asks.

"Not bad I guess. I've managed to sleep." I take a closer look at her, it seems like she hasn't sleep. "You haven't slept have you?"

"I'm fine, I was a little worry about you." She confesses.

"I don't remember having nightmares."

"You had an agitated sleep though." She says.

"I'm sor..."

"Don't say it, everything's ok and you didn't cause me any trouble. I'm here for you just as you're here for me Sara."

"Thanks." I simply say.

"You're going to be fine?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Coffee?" She drops the topic for now satisfied.

"Sure."

We have a coffee and starts to prepare the breakfast for Lindsey and Jeremy. They don't have school today so Nancy decides to make them a real breakfast. We have fun cooking together.

"Sara!" I turn just barely in time to receive the tornado formerly known as Cake.

"Hey" I ruffle her hair. "How are you doing?"

"Good , thanks." She releases her grip and sits to eat. "What are you doing here?"

"I was hanging around. So I stop to say hello."

"Cool."

Her cousin, joins us in the kitchen and we share a rather animated breakfast – we laugh a lot, that is. Once again I'm grateful for such a moment. I fell like I was a part of a family again.

xxxxx

"So you're going to be around more often now? That's great!"

I turn to see Cakes grinning at me.

"Well, not now yet." I answer. Better telling her now about putting on hold our friendship.

"Why not?" She sat next to me on the steps of the backyard.

I swallow the big lump in my throat. «Well, I think that with all that happened we should stop seeing each other for a while. Just to let the things settle down a bit."

"What?... No..."

"It would be just for a while. I mean we can do this in your mother's back again. So I think it's best if we..."

"You're letting me down." She says in disbelief.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are! You lied to me!" She stands and starts to getting angry.

"Never, I have never lied to you!"

"Yes you did! You said you would be there for me at anytime and now you're rejecting me!"

"No I'm not, I'm just saying..."

"I know what you said – I'm not completely retarded! And that's letting me down!... You can't do this to me!" She starts to pace. She looks so much like her mother when she's angry.

"Calm down ok... Look what happened is partly my fault and I can take the risk of letting anything happen to you again. I can't do that..."

"What are you talking about?" She cuts me off.

"Look I know I'm the reason you and your mother had a fight the other day... So yes I'm responsible..."

"No, it wasn't because of you!"

"Cake..."

"No listen to me! I ran away because of what I've said. Mom was forbidding me to contact you and I lost it. I practically call her a whore... and... and I said that she was selfish... and that I hated her... In the heat of the moment I really thought those things, I was so ashamed of myself that I ran away because I couldn't face her again." Her breathing is short it's like she was hyperventilating. "I was so ashamed that I was even afraid to call you." Her pace is uncoordinated and she's agitated. I can see her struggling to order her thoughts. "I know I've made a mistake but please forgive me. Don't give up on me." She begs me.

"I'm not and I won't. I just don't think Catherine is ready to let me near you again."

"I told her the truth and she promised that she would let us be." She protests.

Wow, I have to say that I'm impressed. Impressed with all the energy she spends on fighting for our friendship. I'm so ashamed of myself not for doing the same.

"Don't do this to me... Don't do this to me... please..." She repeats.

"I won't. I'm sorry I think, I wasn't thinking straight for a moment."

She's still looking at me suspiciously. I hug her to reassure her.

"I won't let you down. Forget what I said." I repeat.

We sit again on the steps. She takes time to think and to let the her anger disappear.

"It's funny you know." She says out of the blue. Her voice is steady now. "My mother can treat you bad, and fight with you yet you keep on coming back. I've made one single mistake and you're ready to runaway." Her statement takes me off-guard. I have to say that the deep truth of this statement is disturbing me a little.

"Your mother and I..."

"Fight most of the time. Don't tell me that you thought that I didn't know. People at the lab are betting on the day your fight will turn physical. I mean, your fights are famous. I'm not naive enough not to know that." She cuts me.

"But it's different we're two adults. She's your mother and I'm your friend. I care about you but I won't be an obstacle in your relationship with your mother." I try to explain.

"I told you she was ok about it." She states again.

"I didn't know that, that's why I wanted to put the brakes."

"Ok."

Silence falls. It's the first heated discussion we ever had. I like to think that it is also the last.

"What were you thinking about to have such a stupid idea?" She asks suddenly. I chuckles.

"I thought that you needed a little time with your family for a while."

She turns to me and looks at me like I was stupid. "You're right I do. But whether you like it or not, for me, you're a part of it."

"I am?"

Now her look could only be translated by 'well duh'.

"I was scared Cake, really scared." She looks guilty. "Promise me never to do such a thing again."

She takes my pinky with hers. "Promise me never to give up on me"

"I promise" We say in unison.

I kiss her forehead and we sit in silence for a while longer.

xxxxx

"I should go, I have a lot of things to do before going to work." I say to Nancy who's cooking the lunch. She turns to me.

"Ok, give me a minute."

She joins me in the living room where I'm lacing my shoes. She leads me to the door.

"Linds, Jeremy!" She calls out. The two of them appear from the backyard. "I'm just going outside five minutes, don't take that as an opportunity to make fools, ok?"

"Yes mom" "Yes aunty." They both say and then they resume to their activity.

Nancy and I get on the porch.

"Thanks for last night" I tell her.

"I didn't do anything."

"Yes, you did. Much more than you think."

"You're more than welcome" She says with a soft smile.

None of us speak for a while. She has her back against the wall next to the door.

"How are you doing?" I ask her.

"I've known better." I look at her puzzled. "Cath and I had a fight."

"Join the club." I try to cheer her up. She snorts.

We sit on the bench on her porch. I put my arm around her shoulder to comfort her. She put her head on my shoulder and pat my knee to welcome the contact. She stays silent, then sighs.

"Yeah well, we haven't spoken to each other since." She confesses. I take the hand she put on my knees in mine and caress it gently in a comforting gesture.

"How long?"

"Almost two weeks now." She admits. I can feel that she's hurt by the situation.

"Ouch. Something grave?" I ask.

"Nah... Diverging opinions."

"You haven't tried to fix it?"

"It's not up to me. She kicked me out the other day. I just have to let her time on her own to figure out whatever's bothering her and to calm down" She sighs deeply.

I nod in understanding. "Hope it will get better."

"Yeah me too."

We stay there without saying any other words. Just enjoying each other company.

"Sara?"

"Yeah?" She looks at me with a sparkle of amusement in her eyes.

"It's really too bad you're not a man." She says seriously. I laugh.

"You're hitting on me, don't you?" I say smugly.

"Don't get so full of yourself!" She sends me a gentle blow on the ribs. "But truth to be told I might have tried if you were a man."

"Life's unfair I guess." We laugh a while longer, then I kiss the top of her head. It won't cease to amaze me how close we manage to become in so little time.

I sigh. "I really should go."

"Ok."

We stand up from the bench. We hug each other, I kiss her forehead before letting her go.

"I'm serious you know. Mi casa es su casa. And my couch will always be glad to have you." She says with a smile.

I giggle a bit. "Thanks." I blow her a goodbye kiss "Have a nice day."

"Yeah you too." She answers with a big smile after pretending to catch my kiss.

I head to my car. I think I'll just take a shower at home and then I'll head to work.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18: Catherine**

I'm fuming. I'm mad. No, not mad, I'm much more than mad! I can feel my hands hurt so much my grip is strong on my wheel. My heartbeat is deafening as rage and jealousy are oozing from me.

Yesterday after Sara has left, I've collapsed onto my couch totally confused and lost. I've spend my night thinking. There was a lot going on and when dawn came I needed to talk to my sister. I've turned around in my house, cleaning it fiercely to calm my nerves and think about what I would say to Nancy.

So here I am ten meters away from my sister's house. Panting with negatives feelings.

Imagine my surprise. I've been here for ten minutes – willing myself to go over there and act as the responsible and mature adult that I am – when Sara got out of the house with Nancy, still wearing her yesterday clothes. Then I had to be the witness of their display of affection. Call me paranoid but I really think that they are lovers. That would explain Nancy's vehemence and aggressiveness during our argument. Since Nancy has hidden from me the fact that Sara and Lindsey were interacting with each other, it would have been logical for her not to tell me about her relationship with Sara.

Ok, maybe I'm really paranoid. But I know what I saw. The body language never lies. There is an undeniable thing between those two. There is intimacy. From what I know Sara has been spending the night with Nancy – her clothes gave her straight away. I wish I had the super ears of superman that way I would have heard what they were talking about.

Sara is leaving and I'm fuming. I'm angry at my sister again. So much for being responsible and mature.

I look a my hands. My knuckles are white from the pressure on the wheel. I close my eyes a minute and breathe deeply. I try to bring some sense back to me. But it doesn't work. I wait for Sara to disappear in the horizon line, and Nancy to get back inside the house, then I drive to my own house.

xxxxx

My house has never been so shiny. It shines so bright that it almost hurts my eyes. I needed to blow some steam so I cleaned the house all over again. I've avoided all the questions like 'why am I acting like that?' or 'why am I feeling this way?' or any thought that were related to Sara from a point or another.

I hear a car on the driveway. I look at the clock it's 3 p. m. . That must be Nancy dropping Lindsey for the rest of the afternoon. I hear the door being open which confirm my suppositions.

"Hi mom." She comes to me and give me a kiss.

"Hi babe."

She goes into the kitchen and comes back with a glass of milk. Then she settles down on the couch next to me.

"How was your day with your aunt?" I ask. I have to force myself to believe that I won't hurt her in order to caress her hair. _'you'd rather die than letting that happened again'_ Sara's words are echoing in my head. Come on Cath, you can do this. My touch is bashful, but it's already a big step for me. She turns to me and smiles. I haven't initiated a contact for weeks.

"Agitated."

"Oh?"

"Sara came by. We had fun during the breakfast but after we had a fight."

"You did?" I can feel my anger strikes back.

"Yeah." She pauses. "Are you really ok with my friendship with Sara?"

"I told you, since she's your friend I've no right to interfere. Why? What did she say?"

"Nothing. But she was ready to stop seeing me if it wasn't ok with you. She said she didn't want to be an obstacle in our relationship. She said I needed to be with my family."

For a moment I was afraid that Sara had given me the bad part but I realise that I've misjudged her from the beginning. She was ready to give up on something really important to her just for my well being. That's a sacrifice. She's really generous. I put Sara on the back of my mind for now. Lindsey comes first.

"Well it's ok with me. Who am I to keep you away from your friends?" I reassure her.

"She felt guilty for what happened." She says. I guess that it's not the case then, though I think that she has a part in it – as little as this part is. But I don't voice my mind up. "It isn't her fault. Or yours." She continues.

"Of course it's my fault I slapped you." I say, feeling the knife in my heat wiggling happily. I take my hand away from her hair.

"But I deserved it." I turn to her to protest. But she continues. "Mom we never talked about why I ran away." She averts her eyes for a moment. "I didn't runaway because you slapped me, but because of what I had said." She looks at me again with the saddest look I have seen in her eyes since Eddie's burial. "I don't mean all those things. But in the moment I did. But I don't now. I don't hate you and I know you're not selfish... As for what I've said about your boyfriends…I shouldn't have I'm sorry." She starts to cry.

"Shhh, it's ok." I gather her in my arms without thinking twice.

"I'm sorry mom for saying all those things." She muffles against my shoulder.

"I'm sorry for slapping you. I have no excuse."

"I was so ashamed of myself that I didn't call you or Sara sooner. Forgive me mom."

"You're forgiven. Forgive me." I say.

"I forgive you. I love you mom."

"I love you too babe." We hug each other for a while. "Listen, there will be other fights. Because we will have different opinions, because you're growing up too fast for me and because that's what mothers and daughters do. But it won't mean that I love you any less. I want us to communicate, ok? I want you to come to me when something's bothering you. I won't be mad and I will listen to you. I will try to fix the problem if I can. I'm on your side baby, no matter if I'm mad or if I'm in a good mood in the end I'm always on your side. I want you to keep that in mind."

"I will." She says.

"Good." I'm glad that we are able to speak to each other again. "Is everything ok with Sara?"

"Yeah, we fixed the problem. Thanks for asking."

"Sure." I think I owe a lot more than I thought to Sara. I really have to fix things with her. "Hey, how about an ice cream?"

"Cool." Here's her favourite word ever.

We spend the rest of our afternoon at the mall. Making shopping and having fun. We end our time with big ice creams. We get back home for dinner. We eat pizzas and watch a movie.

It's 8 p. m. now and Nancy will be there soon to take Lindsey.

I hear a car on the driveway. And then I hear the horn. Nancy. I need to talk to her too. But first thing first. I have to have a heart-to-heart with Sara before – I know that the clock is ticking, the more I let time past the less I'll have chances to fix it. I kiss Lindsey goodbye and wave to my sister, that's the best I can give for now but she seems satisfied as she waves me back.

xxxxx

I get to work with a mission: talking to Sara.

But it appears like my plans will be more complicated than I thought, there's a lot of work to do tonight and Sara is already on the field.

I'm greeted by Nick and Warrick with two big bone crashing hugs.

"Hey boss. It's good to have you back." Nick says hugging me.

"It's good to be back."

"I'm glad everything's ok now Cath." He adds in a more serious tone.

"Me too."

"Hey now, you could share buddy." Warrick says pushing Nick away and taking me in his arms.

"Hey Rick."

"Hey." No words are needed between us.

"Lady and gentlemen please it's time to pretend to work a minimum, you're not paid for hugging each other all night."

I turn to see Ecklie watching us with a certain annoyance. He smirks at me.

"It's good to see you Catherine." He says with no warmth in his voice, but coming from Ecklie I don't ask for much. "When you'll find the time, stop by my office."

"I will."

"Good, now please start to work because those cases won't solves themselves." His voice is harsh as always but I don't mind at the moment.

"Ok let's go guys." I say turning to Nick and Warrick.

xxxxx

God it's a long night. We have to work solo because there is too many cases tonight. I just finished a pretty dry B&E, the perp is in custody –police already had arrested him when I arrived to the scene. Now I'm heading to my second crime scene, a robbery that went wrong apparently.

I go to the locker room to refresh myself a bit and get my jacket. But as I walk in Sara is on her way out. Our eyes lock for a moment. My heart beats so hard that I think she can hear it. Her expression is unreadable. None of us move for what seems an eternity. I want to talk to her but for some reason my mind seems to be blank right now.

"Hey." She says, averting her eyes. She grabs her stuff and passes me to leave.

"Hey" I say to the now empty locker room. Well I think I'll have to work on my timing.

xxxxx

It's been a long night. I'm exhausted.

I've been thinking about Sara most of the night. We really have to talk. And the sooner will be the better. I think now is the time. I go looking for her. But I've got to give her that, she's good at hide and seek. I stop at Grissom's office. He'll know where she is.

"Grissom." He's staring amazed at his tarantula. What's fascinating him into those ugly creepy creatures is beyond me.

"Catherine." He shifts his attention to me. "It's good to see you." He says with a genuine smile. He comes around his desk and gives me a quick hug. I have to say that to elicit such a reaction from Gil Grissom, he must have really been concerned by what happened to my daughter.

"Thanks."

"What can I do for you?" He asks me.

"Actually, I'm looking for Sara, there's something I need to tell her. Do you know where I can find her?" He looks at me like I had spoken in Chinese. "Grissom, I need to talk to her."

"Well, I send my team home a little early, so I guess, she got home." He marks a pause. "You didn't already fight together, did you?"

I roll my eyes. Ok, I'm known to get into Sara's throat most of the time but I can have civilized encounters with her. Ok, maybe not lately but it happens.

"No. I just need to talk to her."

"Ok" He holds his hand in surrender.

I head to my car. I have three hours to spare before getting Lindsey. Well let's go.

xxxxx

I'm standing in front of Sara's building. I take a deep breath and start to get upstairs.

Her door intimidates me. It's the third time that I try to knock it, yet I can seem to find the force to do it. Here goes nothing.

"I'm coming." I hear. My heartbeat isn't healthy. My breathe is laboured. What's going on? Ok Cath, you still can turn around and walk away. Well you've already knock so she will think you're stupid if you do that. Breathe, just keep breathing. Oh God, she's opening the door.

She didn't expect me, that's for sure her face display shock. But she comes over it quickly and looks at me with I don't know, anger? Suspicion ? Get a grip Catherine, you have to do this.

"Hey." I manage to say.

"Hey" She greets me back. Her voice as emotionless as earlier.

"Hum... Can I come in?" She doesn't move at first so I'm scared that she will blow me off.

She opens her door and starts to head further inside. I close the door behind me and follow her inside. It's the first time that I actually come inside her place. When we had a drink after 'Hank' I've just drop her in front of the building.

She stands in front of me, arms crossed on her chest. She's just staring at me. Obviously if I don't speak, she won't. I swallow hard, this is going to be long and painful. I hope my voice won't fail me. I don't know where to start, all my words are flying in my head, banging on every side. It's a real mess up there. I close my eyes and take a really deep breath. I can't play. No more games. Just the truth. The bare truth. I resume my gaze to her eyes. Her face is stoic, but her eyes speak volume. She's as afraid as I am of what's coming.

"About what you said the other night..." Fire appears in her eyes as she cuts me.

"I don't need nor want your pity Catherine." Her tone is sharp. That was to be expected but I hang on.

"I wanted to thank you." That throws her off guard. She just gives me a questioning look. "I want to thank you for speaking some sense into me." She doesn't say anything so I keep on. "You've opened my eyes. So thank you."

Come on Catherine you can do this. I can back up now. But I won't, I need to get through this.

"I used to be violent while I was with Eddie. I thought this part of me was dead and buried... I've always sworn to myself not to be that person again... What happened just ... Freaked me out... I'm afraid of myself, because this used to be a part of me and I'm afraid I might lose the control again... And those fears have overpowered me the other night... But you...You made me understand that I had the control on those fears. I'm the one in charge. I can't predict the future but I am and will always be the boss. Those fears don't control me." I don't really know if I'm talking to her or myself. I look around for a moment, I need to compose myself again. The ride isn't done yet.

"I never thanked you for bringing Lindsey back home." She averts her eyes for a moment. She's almost six feet tall yet she looks so small and fragile. "Thank you. Bringing her back to me, you brought me back to life and I'll always be indebted to you for that..."

"Catherine..."

"No, I need to do this…please." I can feel her discomfort, she's tensed and she seems out of her depth. "Lindsey cares for you a lot. And now I know that you care for her a lot too. I've been out of line more than once lately. I know that you were ready to put an end to your friendship with her because of me. Don't. She needs you and you won't help anyone doing this." She nods.

We can't call that a conversation since I'm the only one to talk. But I have to say that this is the best we have done in five years.

"Look, I've never apologized for any of my remarks, any of my mean words. I won't start today, because being sorry won't take it back. I regret it though. I've seen the real you those last days and I wish I could get to know the real you better. I know that I never gave you any chances. But I've thought a lot lately and I'm willing to change that, because I'm tired of fighting. I don't say that we will never fight again – our personalities can't afford that." She chuckles softly at that. "I'm just saying that I want to be your friend, for real and for good. I'm not offering a truce, but the peace. You can take your time to decide. I'm patient. I just wanted you to know it." My heart swells, just thinking that she could reject the offer hurts me more than I care to admit. I have to get out of here, I'm weak and vulnerable, and I'm about to lose the control. She seems to consider my proposition.

"One last thing. What you told me the other day didn't make me feel pity for you." She looks at me sharply. Apparently I'm not the only one to feel vulnerable. "I didn't feel any pity. I felt honoured." Disbelief colours her eyes. "I'm honoured and proud to get to know someone as strong, as generous, as dedicated and as caring as you are. You've become someone great and I don't say that just to boost your ego. What you've been through... just makes you more exceptional."

She seems about to cry. And for the first time I can see her without any walls between us. For the first time real Catherine, meets real Sara.

I start to leave because there's too much emotions raging in me right now. She doesn't move from her spot. As I reach for the door knob her voice stops me.

"Catherine." I turn around. She looks at me intently. It unleashes a new wave of emotions in me. "Me too." She pauses. "Me too, I'm tired of fighting. Me too, I want to be your friend for real and for good." She echoes my words. The look in her eyes tells me that she means every single word.

I think her words have stopped my heart from beating for a moment. I smile brightly and then leave.

I think I'm happy.

It wasn't hard. It was excruciating. But it is worth the risk. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I feel definitely stronger.

xxxxx

I knock softly on the door.

"Hi." I say softly.

"Hi" Nancy repeats before taking me in her arms.

* * *

**Like I said the journey is still long but you'll get what you're waiting for, just be patient ;)**

**Thanks for treading**


	19. Chapter 19

**Joyeux Noël tout le monde!! Merry Christmas everyone!! ;)**

**Ok, as a gift I offer you four more chapters! Ok so I know it might seems to you that I'm forgetting what this is all about -getting Cath and Sara together, but I'm not everything follows a logic, so just bear with me. Besides I wanted to include the rest of the teams so... anyway...**

**Thank you so very much for your reviews :)**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: Gringo, thanks for the tips ;) (do you mind if I call you Gringo?)

* * *

Chapter 19: Sara **

I'm staring at my door.

It's been twenty minutes since she's left and I'm still staring at my door. I try to process what has just happened.

I have to admit that I thought that she wouldn't do anything. After all and to my big deception we're not friends. No correction we weren't friends. Yes, weren't. Because it seems like it's about to change.

I can't believe it. We're so much alike her and I, on so many levels. For example, we hate showing our weaknesses. It cost me a lot to tell her about my childhood. Just as much as it cost her to come here and admit her weakness. We're even, I guess. I can't believe it happened for real.

For the first time we haven't play stupid games. We've been true to ourselves. Wow.

And what she said about being honoured to know me. Well that was just... I don't know, but she touched a sensitive chord with that one.

I can feel a smile plastering itself on my lips. It's the end of something and the beginning of something else, something real, something big. I can feel it.

xxxxx

I'm early at work. What a shock. I'm addicted to my job, so? Sue me.

I'm on high, feeling-good high. I'm in a good mood and for once I don't feel like I had any worry.

"Hey love, you're thinking of me again... I can tell it by the goofy smile on your face." I turn to see Greg vaguely attempting to be, what? Sexy? Seductive? Ridiculous?

"Oh honey, I only have this goofy grin when I think about all the different ways I could torture you." I say with a big smile.

"Rrrrh... You're wild, I like that" He purrs with a smug smile, this idiot seems to be turned on!

"Yeah well know that in the end you end up dead God knows how and God knows where – and I have to say that it's my favourite part..." I say with a bigger smile.

"Ouch, you're cruel." He looks like he just had a cold shower.

"A girl can dream, can't she?" He looks really hurt for a moment. "Oh come on, you know I'm just kidding." I ruffle his spiky hair.

"Yeah I knew it..." He shrugs with a sad puppy look. But a smug smile is creeping on his lips "You're daydreaming of me." I can't believe I actually took the bait. I'm going to kill him!

"Greg, start running... now." My tone is low and menacing.

"Why? You're going to spank me?" He giggles. But as I move forward he can see my death glare. I on the other hand can see a bit of fear in his eyes. I like that. "Oh, come on Sara, don't look at me like that... Is it my fault if I'm irresistible?" He tries again but I can feel his fear.

"Run." I say inches away from him. I wait two seconds before chasing him.

We end up on the break room fighting like two five year old kids – I'm winning, just so you know. And to my delight Greg is as ticklish as a schoolgirl and to his misfortune I am a hell of a tickler. He's laughing so hard that he falls. I turn him face down against the floor and put one of his hand on his back so I can tickling him mercilessly...

"Sara... Let me go..." He manages to say.

"Beg for mercy... Say you're sorry." I command.

"In your dream, I've got my pride." Bad answer.

He tries to resist but I tickle him harder. He can barely breathe so much he's laughing and his face is bright red. I think he's about to choke.

"...Sara!..."

"Hey what's going on here?" A Texan voice asks. I turn to see Nick, Warrick, Sofia and Catherine coming in the room.

"Looks like Sara has finally accepted Greg's advances." Warrick says.

"Yes she did...Arggh..." Greg screams. I twist his arm a little.

"Keep it quiet!" I scold him.

"Guys help me." He asks.

"Sorry Greg, I have no death wish to put myself willingly between Sara and her prey." Warrick says holding his hands in surrender. A wide grin gracing his lips.

"Ditto." Nock says.

Oh I'm enjoying this. Greg's looking pleadingly at Sofia.

"Excuse me?... What was the question?" She plays along.

"Thanks mates, really." Greg groans. "Catherine, a little help, I'm too young to die." He has his sad puppy look again.

"Sara please..." She sighs heavily, she has her mother tone. Come on, Cath don't take the bait. "... Don't stop on our account."

"Yeah, you've heard the Lady, Sara... Wait a minute, what?" Greg squeaks, eliciting a general laughter.

"You've heard... No one can help you." I chuckle. "Now beg for me... Say you're sorry." I repeat.

"Admit it you like being on top of me." He says. I tickle him hard until he gives up. "Ok, ok!! I give up... I'm sorry... let me go... please."

Who's the boss? I am.

I release him and he gets out of my reach instantaneously.

"So what was that all about?" Warrick asks.

"Sara's been daydreaming about me." Greg says, hiding himself behind Nick and Catherine. Oh I'm going to kill him.

"Correction, I've been daydreaming about _killing_ you." I emphasize the word 'killing'.

"Whatever love, you know you want me." Greg answers blowing me a kiss.

"Oh. You. Are. So. Dead. Spiky!!" I say with a slow threatening voice. I start to move toward him.

"Down girl." Warrick holds me. "As fun as this would be, it' not a good idea."

Greg sticks his tongue at me. But Nick hit the back of his head.

"Ouch!" Greg spits, soothing his head.

"Yeah, well you deserved it. And if you want to see the sunlight again, start using this mushy, dead thing inside your cranium, and stop teasing her." He scolds

"Thanks Nick." I say.

"No problem little sis." He winks at me.

"Ok, recess is over. Boys, we have work to do, let's go." Catherine says. She looks at me and smiles shyly, then she leaves.

"Hello everyone." Grissom says entering the room. "Tonight I want the three of you on an arson case. I'll be on a decomp so be happy. Let's go."

xxxxx

"So what do we have?" Greg asks from the doorway.

"Nothing but a million of burnt pieces." I say flatly.

"Something's wrong?"

"I'm still mad at you."

"I figured so... here." He hands me a mug of coffee. "Fresh blue Hawaiian." He smiles.

"Ok, I'll let it slide for this time." I'm a coffee junkie and his blue Hawaiian is the top of the top. What?

Four hours later I feel like we didn't move from an inches, I need a break. I get out and head to the break room. Catherine is there taking her caffeine fix too.

"Hey you." I say cheerfully.

"Hey yourself. How's your shift?"

"Arson case. We have a big puzzle so far."

"I love puzzles." She grins. "You want to grab something after the shift?" She looks like she was holding her breath.

"Sure. That would be great."

Well that's our first step in Friendship city.

xxxxx

"Sidle."

"_Shift is over..."_

"Already?" I'm surprised.

"_Well it's been thirty minutes now."_ Catherine says playfully.

"Oops..." I'm about to ask her what can I do for her when our appointment comes back in my mind. I wonder how it slip out of it in the first place. "I... um... I have some things to finish."

"_Oh."_ One single word, yet so heavy with disappointment.

"Well, you go ahead, I'll join you at your place soon." Please say yes.

"_Ok, see you then."_ She says quickly before hanging up.

xxxxx

I knock on her door about forty five minutes after her call.

"Good morning." I greet her with a bright smile. "I brought some fruits." I hold the bag in my hand.

"Come on in."

We go into the kitchen. She's making pancakes.

"Can I help?" I ask.

"Yeah, sit down and relax." She answers.

She hands me a mug of coffee and sit in front of me. We stay silent, just staring at each other. Ok, now what?

She chuckles. "Hi, my name is Catherine Willows." She extends her hand to me. I take it.

"Sara Sidle. Nice to meet you." I hold her gaze. I feel electricity coursing through my body.

We start to talk about work first. It's a safe and easy topic. I learn that she misses the team and that it's hard for her to be the boss because she feels like she doesn't fit as a friend with Nick and Warrick anymore, because she has to prove herself all over again. And then she asks me about Lindsey and I, I ask her about Lindsey and her. Well the flow of words is easy and seems to be endless, like we were trying to catch up the five last years in an hour.

Then Lindsey comes back.

"Sara!"

"Hey." We share a quick hug.

"It's cool to see you." She says. "Do you stay for lunch? Mom can she?"

"Well if she doesn't have plans yeah." Catherine answers.

"I don't want to bother."

"Don't be silly, you're welcome." She smiles. If she starts smiling at me all the time it's going to be really hard not to drool openly at her.

"Ok then."

We lunch, and keep talking. We had fun. I have to say that it is easier than I thought it would be.

"Ok, I've got to go." I say as I suppress a yawn.

"Ok." Catherine says.

She walks me to the door. I open it and turn to her again. We look at each other unsure of what we should do. She's shifting herself from one foot to another. I chuckle and take her in my arms. She leans in almost instantaneously.

It has to be the most awkward hug of the history but it's ours, so for me it's perfect. I kiss her forehead – since the first time I did it I'm addicted to it. I let my lips linger a bit as always and then smile at her. She smiles back and I leave.

"See you at work."

So this is it, Catherine and I are friends now. That's just great.

xxxxx

Two months. Two months of breakfasts and lunches with Catherine. I won't lie we had a little fight or two – they were a bit painful, but they were child's play compare to what we had before. That's the good part. The minus of all this is that I'm more and more in love with this woman. And somewhere it's hard to see all I could have without actually having it. But I take what I can get and I won't trade it for anything in the world.

xxxxx

"Ok, first rule is: we don't get too far from each other." I say to Greg and Sofia.

Our case leads us on some sort of underground cave. There's nothing but rock and a little layer of water around us.

There are different channels leading God knows where. We're about forty meters under the ground. There are firemen holding our rope up there. The thing is that Sofia, Greg and I were the only on to fit in the entrance of this hole so we can't get much help. The hole makes a halo of light. It's the only source of light apart from our flashlights. We have to process with a system of pulley for the evidences. Once we pull the rope twice the guys up there pull the evidences cases up. So there is a lot of rope on our side, it's snaking at our feet right now at the end of it are two empty supplement evidences cases.

"Ok, so what's the plan?" Greg asks.

"I think we should take a channel each." Sofia says.

"I agree, but we shouldn't get further than ten meters for now. We don't know this place and we have only ourselves to cover our back." I say.

"Ok let's go then." Greg answers.

"Oh one last thing. It might take a while so we make a check point every five minutes with our walky-talky." I add.

With that we part.

It's been about two hours now and we still have nothing. It appears that Sofia's channel was a dead end so she joined me an hour ago. We have decided to go further. I think that we are about eighty meters from our start point. If only we knew what we were looking for. We're progressing slowly, we're thorough. We move on further and further.

"Greg?"

"_Yeah?"_

"State your position, please." I ask.

"_I'm standing."_

"Ah, ah, really clever. Be serious for two minutes please." I chuckle.

"_I'm about sixty meters from the start point. There is still nothing but rocks and water. What's your position?"_

"We are about eighty meters from the start point now. We might actually have something."

"_Ok... Hey Sara you want to know my favourite position?"_ He says suggestively.

"Shut up. Over." I say. Sofia rolls her eyes. And we giggle.

I think we found blood. We have taken pictures and sample. It has only taken us five hours. Cheer up...

I go putting those in an evidences case and make it go up. Then I get back to Sofia. We're even further than we were ten minutes ago. The thing with those channel is that they are snaking, and the surface goes up and down a bit so each meter is lot of effort. It's a creepy place but at the same time it's so peaceful.

Suddenly we hear a loud rumble and we can feel a slight shake. Wow, that's not cool.

"_Girls, you're all right?"_ Greg asks frantically.

I turn to Sofia who seems fine. "Yes we are. Are you?"

"_I think so, what was that?"_

"What do I know?"

"_Ok.Over."_

"Hum Sara." Sofia's voice is questioning.

"Yes?"

"Do you hear that?"

"What?"

"Shhh..." She says holding a finger at me. I strain my hear but there's nothing. No wait I can hear a slight rumble, Sofia looks at me "That."

We wait a minute in silence and... Oh my God it's like this noise was coming straight on us like a crazy train. I look at Sofia and the same idea cross our mind. We have to get out of here, fast.

"Greg, drop everything and start going back, now." I say firmly.

"_Why?"_

"Because I said so. Just do it ok!" My tone is harsh and urgent.

"_All right but give me just a minute I've got something."_

The noise keeps on getting louder and I think that the cave is shaking slightly. Sofia and I are making our way back to the entrance. God I didn't thought we were this far. Little rocks start falling on us, luckily we have helmets.

"Greg we don't have time to argue just drop it and get out ok!!" I'm nearly screaming.

"_Ok relax, where's the fire?"_

I'm about to reply, but there's another rumble much noisier than the first one. Crap.

"_Did you hear that?"_ Greg says.

"Yes that's why I want you to..."

"_Crap..."_ Greg says loudly.

"What? What is it?" I ask in hurry.

"_There's like a big leak."_

"Sara the water is rising." Sofia states on my other side.

Ok. No panic, everything is under control. We're almost there.

"Greg, get your ass back now!!"

"_I love it when you talk dirty sweetie_."

I can't believe him. He's joking while we're in a rather dangerous position.

Sofia and I can see the halo of light providing by the hole. But then there's a big noise, a really big noise. The big rumble resounds in the walls. And then there's this particular noise. The noise of something under pressure being released. Shit. There's a big wave of water coming on us. The water rise impossibly fast. In less than two minutes it rises from our ankles to our waist, and it keeps on rising.

"Greg, where the hell are you!!"

"_I'm surfing the wave... Ten meters and I'm there._"

"Hurry!!" I'm in no mood to joke right now.

Sofia starts strapping herself so she can exit the cave. I follow her lead. Greg appears, half walking half swimming as he can in the water, holding his hands up with bags of evidences.

"It was about time." I scold him. "Ok you put that on a case and then you strap it behind you. let's go."

Sofia has already started to climb up. I'm right behind her. Greg is still strapping his evidence case. And the water is still rising up.

There's a new rumble. And without any warning a big wave comes on us again. But this one is violent enough to put me and Sofia against the faces of the cave. I hit my head hard on the concrete. Ouch. It takes me some seconds to get my senses back. I feel a hot liquid running down my face. Great.

"Girls...argh... I'm..."

I look down but I don't see Greg, what the hell? The rope is tensed in his direction, but he's nowhere in sight. Then his head pops out of the water. Oh crap, crap, crap...

"Greg!"

"Greg!" Sofia and I are shouting. Greg keeps on popping out and in the water.

"Greg what are you playing at?" I scold.

"My foot is stuck on the rope..." His head goes in the water again. Then it goes out. "I can't free myself..."

The running water pulls him to the bottom. Ok, think, think, think... Greg keeps on coming in the surface and disappearing every three seconds. But the water keeps on rising so, soon the rope will keep him from reaching the surface. In the other hand, the more the rope tenses the less we can hold onto the face of the cave. Sofia asks the firemen to pull us up. And so do they.

"Arrggh..." Greg screams. "Don't pull... Don't..." He's under the water again. "You're going to break my foot..." He manages to stay out the water a little longer then he goes down again.

Sofia asks the firemen to stop. Ok, ok, so now what? Plan A is out, what's the plan B? Think, think, I need to think. And I need to do it fast. My heartbeat is too noisy I can't seem to find any idea. Ok, I need to sort out priorities. First: oxygen. I look up at Sofia.

"He's going to need oxygen." I put my pocket knife out of my pants. Understanding crosses her eyes.

"You two hold on, I'm back in a flash with a new rope." She says. I nod. We both try not to show panic but it's there trying to swallow us whole.

She tries to hold on the concrete. I hand her my pocket knife and start to get down the rope a little.

"Girls..." Greg calls us trying hard to stay on the surface.

"Hold on, I'm coming!" I shout.

"You're ready?" She asks.

"Ok. Go" I hold the rope with a death grip.

She cuts the rope and I fall on the raging water. I use the rope to get to Greg. Now he's barely reaching the surface with his head. I take him in my arms and try to keep his face out of water. It's hard since I have to keep a grip on the rock to avoid drifting apart. There's something pulling him to the bottom, but I don't know what. Wait... The evidences case... It keeps getting better and better.

"Sara... Don't let me drown... Please... I don't want to go like this..." There is panic in his voice, he sound like a scared little boy. I'm scared to death.

"I got you, just trust me ok? We're going to get you out of here. I promise. I won't let you go." I'm on the verge of tears but I don't let it show. I'm so scared that I don't feel anything else, not even the cold water literally freezing me to my bones.

The water is about to cover his face completely. Think, think, think, think...

"Take a deep breath." I tell him quickly.

"Sara,...Sar..." He's hyperventilating.

"Take a deep breath, please."

He does so and then the level of water is too high for him to come back in the surface. I take a deep breath myself and dive in. I pinch his nose and blow oxygen in his mouth. I do the same thing over and over again every five seconds or so. Where the hell is Sofia?

I wish I could stop the water from rising, I wish... I don't know. Don't lose it now Sidle, not now!

As we speak of the devil... I see a new rope falling against the wall in front of me. I ask her to take the pocket knife with her. Sofia gets down quickly. I keep on diving regularly to provide Greg oxygen. Sofia joins us.

"His foot is stuck in the rope and the evidences case is pulling him down." I have to scream to get over the raging water noise. I dive to blow oxygen on Greg's mouth. "You keep on giving him oxygen while I try to cut the rope." I tell her. She nods and takes my place next to Greg.

I dive further down. And try to get a hold on the loose rope. I can't see a damned thing!! I head up to the surface.

"Strap Greg with you that way he won't drift apart." I say to Sofia. She does it while I give him oxygen. Once he is strapped, I strap myself too before diving again.

I guide myself with Greg's body. I take a hold of his leg and get down to his ankle. I try to cut the rope, but this damn thing won't give up! I get back to the surface once more and dive again. It takes me five tries before I succeed and Greg's body heads to the surface.

We're pulled up by the firemen. As the water has risen up there's not so much distance with the hole of entrance.

As soon as we're out of the cave the EMT's take an unconscious Greg in charge. Sofia and I are panting, lying on the floor. My head is spinning a little from the oxygen deprivation combined with the blow on my head.

"Sofia, you're ok?"

"Yeah, don't worry."

xxxxx

EMT's take us to the hospital with Greg. Sofia has some scratches on the face and cuts on her arms. As for me, I have a blow on the head, and some cuts over my arms and hands. Generally speaking, there's been more fear than harm.

Greg? It's another story. Last time I saw him he was unconscious. I'm worried and adrenaline makes me shake.

Catherine and Grissom are there on the hospital. I can understand why Grissom is here, but Catherine – not that I complain, it's just odd. Grissom has checked me up and now he's checking up on Sofia.

"Sara!" Catherine says with a shaky voice. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah..." I answer absentmindly.

"Are you sure?" She sounds really concerned, she looks pale. We're friend so I can understand her reaction, but I don't really want to be mothered right now. I just want to know how Greg is doing.

"Yeah don't worry I'm fine." My tone isn't really friendly but I don't control anything right now.

"You're head is bleeding. Sara you're shaking." She says, she reaches to touch me but I flinch away from her.

"I'm fine Catherine." I see a quick flash of hurt on her eyes, but she averts them from me. "I've got to go check up on Greg." I leave her in the middle of the hospital hall.

xxxxx

Greg had some water in his lungs and his lungs have been burnt a little from the lack of oxygen. His ankle is slightly twisted. There is a red angry mark because of the knot of the rope but except that he is fine. I'm thankful. I feel relieved.

Greg is sitting on a bed with an oxygen mask on his face. Sofia and I come in.

"Hey girls." He says with a small voice.

"Hey champ." I say.

"You're ok?" Sofia asks.

"Yeah..."

"You give us quite a scare out there." She continues.

He takes off his mask. "Well I was enjoying myself a bit..." He starts. Sofia and I look at each other puzzled. Lack of oxygen might have damaged his brain. "Come on, I've spent ten minutes kissing not one, but two beautiful girls, and I left them wet, shaky and screaming my name." His smug smile return. "So... Happy?" He sends us suggestive looks.

"You're unbelievable." I say with exasperation while Sofia rolls her eyes.

"See, that's what I mean. I am the God of Love." He says with a smoky voice.

"I give up." Sofia says chuckling. She pats him on the shoulder and starts get out of the room. "I'll wait for you outside Sara. Feel better Sanders."

"Hey wait." Greg calls her back. "Thank you." His tone is sober and serious.

"Take care of yourself." Sofia says with a soft smile and wink, and then she exits the room.

I turn to Greg. He's looking far away.

"Greg?" I call him softly.

He turns to me and looks at me intently. That's actually the first time I see this side of him. He looks like a terrified little boy and a strong man at the same time. It's a little creepy.

He takes my hand, and kisses it. Then he starts caressing it with his thumb. I don't say anything. He looks at me straight in the eyes. His look is intense, really deep. He takes a deep breath.

"I love you Sara."

"Greg please..." I plead him. I don't want him to do this.

"No let me finish." He squeezes my hand. "I thought I was going to die out there. You've stayed with me and you got me out of here. You've held your word. I'll always be grateful for that. I know there's nothing between us but friendship and I love you as a friend. But I also love you. I wanted you to know it. Before today I wouldn't have had the courage to tell you this but now I realize that even if you don't feel the same it's not the end of the world. All that matters for me is that you know what I feel. I love you Sara Sidle, with all my heart."

"You scared me to death." I say caressing his cheek softly with my free hand. I lean in and give him a true deep kiss. I taste his lips and slide my tongue against his a few moments. I suck his lower lip gently and I let my lips on his a while longer. Then I pull back, put my forehead against his and caress his cheek again. He looks happy. I will deny it until my last breath if you ask, but I've really enjoyed this kiss. "I love you too Greg Sanders."

We let silence surrounding us for a moment. Carving this moment in our memories

"I can die happy now." He sends me a loving smile.

"Don't get your hopes up…" I warn him.

"I know we're just friends." I know he is serious.

We share this strange intimacy for a bit more.

"I've got to go." I finally break the moment.

"Ok."

"Oh, by the way, next time I ask you to get your ass back you better move it faster than the light or I'll flay you alive."

"Yeah, but what a way to go..." He smirks, I send him a death glare, and I'm not ready to joke about that yet. "I promise." He answers seriously

He cups my face gently and delivers me a sweet kiss on my lips. I think he knows he won't get this chance twice so he enjoys it. I think he also wants me to see what it could be. It's really too bad that I can't return his love. "Thank you." He says with the most serious face.

We both know he's not only talking about the cave incident. I smile at him and then leave.

xxxxx

I leave and join Sofia on the hall. We're driven back to the scene to get our car.

What a night. I've nearly lost Greg. I really love him. I'm not in love with him. I love him. He's the friend you can always lean on; the one to make you laugh when everything is gloomy; he knows how to get serious sometimes; he's an annoying little brother yet you can't let him go. I was really scared to lose him.

We go back to the lab, and Grissom sends us home. Then something hits me. Catherine. Damn, what an idiot I've been.

I head to her place to apologize.


	20. Chapter 20

**Sometimes you have to destroy everything if you want to start building something... (I'm bad at philosophy...sorry :p)**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So

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Chapter 20: Catherine

I'm pacing in my living room. I've been doing it for a while now. I can't think my brain is numb. But there's something wrong, I don't feel good. I'm disturbed. Why? I don't know I can't think straight. I'm not able to formulate a coherent thought.

My doorbell rings. I open my door only to see a rather nervous Sara. I feel rage flowing me again.

"Cath..." She begins "I'm sorry for earlier... You were worried about me and I blew you off."

"Yeah you did." My tone is as cold as the look I send her. I watch her struggling with her thoughts. There's guiltiness oozing from her, well if she thinks I will make it easy she's wrong.

"I was still on the shock and I was worried about Greg... It's no excuse I know but I'm sorry."

Why am I on the verge of tears? Why do I feel like someone was squeezing my heart tight? _'You know damn well why...'_ I can find it in me to forgive her I don't know why because I can understand her, but just can't.

"Ok." I simply say. I don't invite her in and we stare at each other for a moment, a really awkward moment.

"I... I have to go pick up Greg from the hospital." She says. "See you tonight." She sends me a weak smile and turn to leave.

I close the door. I'm more upset than before opening it.

Ok let's process what happened. We just took a huge step backward. How do I know? Well easy, for the last two months Sara's been coming around almost every day to have breakfast and lunch with me and Lindsey. And when Lindsey slept over at Nancy's there were only the two of us, speaking for hours. She has even crashed on my couch once or twice. She's been taking care of Lindsey and my baby hasn't been that happy since Eddie's death. Two months during which she has been like the third member of this family. I know for sure that she sees Nancy on regular basis. She help Lindsey to make her homework. And to finish our relationship has improved into a solid friendship.

At least I thought so. Because now I know that she hasn't been totally honest with me. And no, I'm not paranoid! Yes, she's been holding information from me. And here I thought that there weren't anymore walls between us. Uh, what a joke!

The worse is that if it hadn't been for luck – if we can call it that way, I wouldn't have known it. I wouldn't have known that she was in love with Greg.

I am so pissed off!! Because the 'Greg topic' came several times and yet it was always the same, she played coy. She played coy! 'Oh I like him, like a little annoying brother' or 'Sometimes I want to hit him while he flirts with me' and so on. I can't believe she lied to me. And that's what's pissing me off so much. Because I thought that we were over that. I though we were friend, that we didn't hold secrets from each other. That's it. I don't care if she loves Greg, really I'm just pissed off she didn't tell me so.

'_Yeah right, who do you think you're kidding?'_ There that little voice again in my mind. Lately that voice has been bothering me, trying to tell me something but I don't listen to her._ 'Yeah and that's too bad_.' Quiet! '_As you wish, keep on ignoring the elephant in the room, he won't go anywhere anyway, so you know when you feel like growing up...'_ I said shut up!

What was I saying? Oh yeah, Sara and I just took a huge step backward. First because she has lied to me and then there was the fact that it was the iciest exchange we had in months. Oh, we did have arguments, but they were meaningless. But that, that was as if we were back to our old relationship.

There's also the 'hug' detail. Every time she comes home even if she stays for five minutes she gives me a hug before leaving. It's an intense hug – I admit I'm addicted to those, and then she ends it with a kiss on my forehead. Always. No matter if we had a disagreement or not there's always been a hug before she goes. Always, until now that is.

I'll wait and see, maybe she will tell me. I give her a chance but if she blows it then hell will break loose.

xxxxx

Two weeks. Two whole weeks. TWO BLOODY WEEKS!!

Two weeks have passed and she still hasn't told me about it. But from the way she acts with him I know that something has change. I mean they're more touchy, and they flirt almost all the time and so on. Two weeks that she's been acting like there was nothing between of them when she's with me. Those two weeks has been really strained weeks at home. Generally we've managed to finish the breakfast before I started to being pissed all over again hence we never make it to lunch time.

I arrive at work a bit early. I've started to catch up with my case, there's a new lead. I go straight to the locker room because I need to find 'my boys' and because they're late. There's someone discussing in it.

"...Did you tell anyone?" The first voice says. If I'm not mistaken it's Greg. Don't ask me why but I stay unnoticed to listen.

"Of course not..." Sara... I should have known.

"... I don't want anyone to know."

"I never plan on telling it to anyone, it didn't even cross my mind." Well I got my answer I guess. Sara, _my sweet friend_, I think we'll have to talk.

"I thought about last night... I'm sorry I was..." He trails off. Interesting.

"Hey it's ok. I don't think any less of you because of it. You're great, don't think otherwise. These things happened and it's natural to feel that way. Don't worry ok?" Please don't tell me they're talking of what I think they're talking about.

"Thanks... Anyway, we'll have to do it again."

"Greg, there's no rush, if you don't feel ready, you don't have to..."

"I know... But I need to... If I don't, I'll always feel that way when we'll have to do such a thing again..."

"I understand... But I you don't feel like it, we stop."

"Ok."

I think I'm going to puke! I can't believe them. I can't believe her. They already have... No, no I don't want to think about it.

"I'll wait for you by the car." She says. Greg's on the bench.

"Hey Sara, thanks for listening." She ruffles his hair and kiss his head. God I'm going to be sick!

"That's why I'm here for." And she starts to leave. I exit the room before she notices me and act like I was coming in again.

"Hey Cath." She says cheerfully. I want to whip her smile off.

"Sara." I say coldly she looks at me, puzzled but don't say a word. And then she keeps on walking.

I hate her.

xxxxx

The shift passes but my rage remains, if nothing it increases.

I go to the locker room to change and of course she's there. It has to be my lucky day. I head to my locker and open it violently. She looks at me and wait for me to notice her but I ignore her on purpose. She sighs.

"Is everything ok?" She asks. I chuckle dryly.

"Yup, everything is just fine." My tone is harsh.

"Yeah looks like it." She says sarcastically. She sighs again. "I have to give something to Lindsey." Why is she telling me this? "If you don't want me to come by just say so." Her tone is flat and a bit angry.

"You told her you would come by so don't cancel on my account."

"Cath if there is..."

"Whatever. See you later." I bang closed my locker to cut her off and exit the room without a glance at her.

I'm not acting as a reasonable, mature adult, yeah so what? Just piss off would you?!

xxxxx

I go open the door, Sara is outside. I let the door open but I don't greet her. It takes her a minute to decide whether or not to come in. She finally decides to come in; she closes the door and joins me in the kitchen. She puts a book on the bar. She stays stand near the island and look at my back. Once again she waits for me to notice her. But I have my back on her purposefully. Lindsey is having a bath so we'll have to wait. Honestly seeing the storm that is coming I suggest Lindsey to hurry up if we don't want the apocalypse to ensue. Sara sighs. Looks like déjà vu.

"Ok, that's enough. Tell me what's going on." She demands bluntly, but her voice is calm.

"Nothing."

"What's going on?" She repeats.

"Nothing." I repeat. I turn to her and hold her gaze.

"Geez... Could you stop acting like a five year old and tell me what's going on!" She says exasperated but her voice is steady. But she shouldn't have said this because now I'm even more pissed than I was.

"Oh I am the one being immature uh? I don't know what's going on, you should tell me." My tone is rising.

"You're not making any sense Catherine." Well she just draw the line. She called me by my full name.

"I'm not?" I look at her with all my rage. I see that she still doesn't understand. "Tell me, my _friend_ is there something you want to talk me about?"

She sighs. "You still don't want to talk, fine. But I won't play games with you."

"Really?" I chuckle. "You mean you've always been honest with me?" She looks at me with a mix of surprise and hurt. Then anger takes over her.

"I have never ever lied to you!" She spits.

"Maybe. How should I know?"

"What is that supposed to mean? What's wrong with you?" She's got to be kidding me.

"With me? What's wrong with _me_?" I pause. "I can't believe you!" I shout.

"Why are you doing this?" She says softly. I hate her when she does that. Speaking softly when I'm shouting. It makes me look like an idiot and unbalances me for seconds.

"Doing what?"

"This. You know. This 'if you don't know what you've done wrong I'm not the one who's going to tell you' thing."

"You're kidding right? You know what? I'll stop playing once you decide to do the same."

"What?... I'm not..." She starts to raise her voice then takes a deep breath. "Look, there was a time where you being pissed at me didn't matter much. But now that time is over. We are friends and as such we have to fix the problem together. So again I ask, what's going on?"

"We're friends?" There is nothing but hurt in her eyes again. "See I'm your friend, there's nothing about me that you don't know. But you on the other hand keep on hiding from me." I give her an opportunity to tell me the truth.

"What are you talking about?"

"Arrggh... For Christ's sake! Stop playing Sara! Stop it!" I want to scream.

"I'm not! I just don't understand what the hell you're talking about!"

"I can't believe it!... You know what just keep on playing dumb, just forget it." I turn my back on her again

"Forget it? You want me to forget it? I can't do that! It's been two weeks that it's driving me insane to know that you're pissed at me! I don't like it when you're like that, and even more when you don't even want to tell me why. Because honestly I don't know why you are so pissed."

"Ok, I'll ask you one last time. You're not hiding anything from me, are you?" My voice is unsteady because anger but I'm not shouting anymore.

"No" She answers immediately.

"Go to hell Sara!" I snap. I face her again.

"What the use of asking me questions if you don't believe me?" She's shouting now.

"Because I don't trust you anymore." I shout back.

"I have never lied to you Catherine. Never." Her eyes are watering with rage now. "You're pissed at me and I don't know why. I want to fix it but apparently I'm the only one. So when you decide to grow up a little and to fix it, come to find me." She says between her clenched teeth. She turns her back on me. I won't let her off the hook so easily.

"Oh yeah? And when did you plan on telling me about you and Greg?" She turns to me with surprise in her eyes.

"What about me and Greg?" Either she's amnesic or she's practicing herself to be a comedian.

"See! I giving you the answer on a bloody plate and you keep on playing dumb!" I'm shouting again.

"There is nothing to say about me and Greg." There's a mix between surprise and disbelief in her demeanor. But I don't take the bait.

"How long will you keep on lying to me? HOW LONG?" I'm desperate and tears start to burn my eyes.

"Lying? What about? There's nothing between him and I but friendship! What else do you want me to say?"

"The truth, I want you to tell me the truth!" I push her.

"This is the truth!" She protests.

"Friendship uh? Then tell me why you were kissing him then? Why did you tell him that you loved him? And I heard what you two were saying this morning on the locker room, I can't believe you two have..."

"You're spying on me?" Her voice is pinched.

"No, I happen to be there. But that's not the point."

"Again there is nothing but friendship between Greg and I, now if you don't want to believe me then there's nothing more I can do!" She replies, rising her voice.

"You don't expect me to believe that you're kissing your friends like that!" I throw at her.

"First, you weren't supposed to see it. Then you should know by now that appearances are the mothers of mistakes. And last, last time I've checked I was free so I don't know why I should justify myself because I don't answer to you... Yes I kissed Greg and yes I told him that I loved him but it is not what it seems. He and I are just friends, ok?... Is it what's really bothering you? That I kissed Greg?" She shouts.

"No what's bothering me is you lying to me!" I shout back.

"I HAVE NEVER LIED TO YOU!! How many times will I have to tell you this?!" Welcome to the screaming contest. Well she has no chances against me.

"YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO ME ABOUT LINDSEY FOR EIGHT BLOODY MONTHS AND NOW GREG. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE YOU?!!" See?

"I AM NOT LYING AND I HAVE NEVER LIED TO YOU AND YOU KNOW IT!!" She says with anger.

"STOP YELLING!!" We turn a see Lindsey, crying, she has her hands on her ears. I don't know how long she's been there. "Stop it please." She repeats softly.

I send a death glare to Sara but she just send it back to me. She closes her eyes and sighs.

"When you feel like listening to me..." She trails off. "Linds I'm sorry I've got to go." She's on the verge of tears I can tell.

"But..." Lindsey tries.

"The book is on the island. I'm sorry but I really need to go." With that she leaves the house.

Lindsey and I stare at the door. I want to burn it with my eyes. Lindsey turns to me, she's angry I can tell.

"That was low." She says. She expects me to understand but honestly I don't "Using me against her, that was way below the belt and you know it." I can't believe her. I'm already having a hard time without her taking a part in it!

"I don't remember teaching you to eavesdrop." I say. But she stands where she is and sends me a 'that doesn't impress me a bit' look.

"If I hadn't it would have meant that I have serious earring problems. I think the neighbors ten blocks away have heard the two of you_ talking_!"

"Linds stay away from this ok." I put and end to the conversation. Or so I think.

"I can't because I'm a part of it." I look at her in disbelief.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh please! I'm a part of it." She sighs with exasperation like she had to explain something for the hundredth time to someone really dense. "I hate it when you two fight. I hate being a weapon for your argument." I'm about to protest but she hushes me. "I don't care what the matter was. I'm not taking any sides because for me you're both wrong. You are friends so you are supposed to communicate. I don't want to know who the one who have made a mistake is and it doesn't matter. You have to fix it. You're supposed to be grown up and mature so fix it. Because I don't want to have to choose between the two of you." She scolds me.

I dumbstruck. I can't believe she just scolded me. She's right I know but I'm her mother. It's creepy. I feel like the parts are reverse.

"Baby..."

"No. Fix it." She says firmly.

"Ok." Why do I feel like a ten year old who's just been punished?

"Good. I'll be in my room, reading if you're looking for me." She says. Then she grabs the book on the bar and retreats to her room.


	21. Chapter 21

**Here's more of Nancy/Sara. I have to say that I'm more and more tempted to go with the two of them - i kind of like it myself, but...**

**Anyway, enjoy ;)**

**So

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Chapter 21: Sara

I didn't even think twice about it I just drove in autopilot to the safest place I know. That's where I go when I'm confused. Yeah because now I have somewhere to go when I'm confused or just really hurt. It took me ten minutes to get there. I'm about to get out of the car when my phone rings. Please don't tell me I've got to go to work already.

"Sidle"

"_It's Cake."_

"Hey, something's wrong?"

Well , yes actually. I'm ready to go back to Catherine's even if right now that's the last place on Earth where I want to be.

"What?"

"_You and mom had a fight..."_

"Cake..."

"_I couldn't care less what it was all about because as far as I'm concerned you're both wrong."_

"Cake..." I try again.

"_You're the one who tells me that I have to temper myself when I want to fix a problem. She's got a point. I told it to mom and I tell you now, I don't want to have to choose between the two of you. So fix it."_

"It's not that simple..." I start but she doesn't listen to me.

"_You're supposed to be grown up and you're supposed to be friends, so act like it. I don't care what it takes, just fix it."_

"Is that an order?" I'm a little amused by her outburst.

"_I want you to promise it."_

"You're asking for much."

"_Well it worth it. So?"_

So I hate ultimatums. So right now she doesn't let me any room to really decide. But it's a fact, she's right. We both know it. But honestly it's not really up to me.

"I promise I will try to fix it. I can't do better"

"_Ok, but just so you know, trying is not enough_." She's tough. I feel like I was punished. _"I've got to go, take care. And fix it."_ She repeats.

"I will. Take care." And then the line goes dead.

I take a deep breath and release it. I stare at my phone. I don't want to think right now. I exit my car. I reach the door of the house quickly and knock. I hope she's there. The door opens. Thanks God.

"Hey" Nancy says with a big smile. But then she takes a look at me and her smile fades. "Come on in."

We sits on the kitchen as usual, she puts a coffee pot to brew and then sits back next to me. She waits for me to begin. She always does that. She waits for me to make the first move. She knows that if she pushes me I will runaway.

"We had a fight." I say with a weak voice. No need to precise the two parts of the 'we'.

"I figured." She smiles at me a little. "How are you doing?"

"Not really good." I manage to say. I can feel my nerves starting to give up on me. I'm about to cry so I close my eyes and try to compose myself back again. The problem with being open is that I don't have the control I used to have over my emotions.

Nancy doesn't say anything she just takes my hand and makes me stand. Then she leads me to the couch and makes me sit. Then it's all about habits: I kick off my shoes, she takes a blanket, I arrange the pillows, she kicks off her shoes and then we set our positions. Today, I'm on top. She holds me tight and without noticing it my tears start to set themselves free. Then somewhere between my sobs and Nancy silent soothing I fall asleep.

xxxxx

I wake up with a headache. Correction, a big headache. I've slept an hour or two. I look at Nancy, she has her eyes closed but she's not sleeping. When she feels me move she looks at me.

"Hey there." She says gently.

"Hey."

"How about a coffee?"

"That's a plan." I answer.

We get up and head to the kitchen.

xxxxx

She pours two mugs of coffee and then she sits next to me. Again she waits for me to start.

"I kissed Greg." I don't think she was expecting this but she covers her surprise quickly.

"The ex-lab guy, right? The one that always flirts with you?" She try to remember what I've told about Greg.

"Yeah."

"And... It's a bad thing?" She asks.

"No, well not for me." I can see that she's confused. "Catherine saw us." She still doesn't see what the point is. "So she thought him and I were together. Weeks passed and she was angrier at me everyday but I didn't understand why until this morning. She thought I was hiding my relationship with Greg from her."

"You're in a relationship with him?" She asks. I have to admit that it can be a little confusing.

"Not as far as Greg and I are concerned. We're friends." I tell her.

"So how does it end up in a fight?"

"Well Catherine thought I was having secrets – apparently she witnessed me kissing him and telling him that I loved him, so from this point she has decided that I was with Greg. But I told her it wasn't the case. As you know she's stubborn."

"Catherine? Stubborn? No way." She chuckles, so do I.

"Anyway she ends up accusing me of lying and telling me that she was questioning our friendship." I feel my heart tightening at this.

"Ouch."

"Then last but not least, Lindsey is the one who put an end to the screaming contest."

"Well you don't do it with the back of the spoon, do you?"

I'm about to reply when the doorbell rings.

"Excuse me." She says before going to answer the door.

I just stare at nothing and drink my coffee. She gets back with a pizza box.

"Lunch time" She announces.

"You ordered a pizza?... No wait... When did you do that?" I ask, I don't remember any call.

"While you were sleeping." She says naturally.

"I didn't hear you."

"I saw that." She chuckles. "Hungry?"

"Yeah... But technically it's breakfast time for me. So you know... Pizza for breakfast is a little bit too much."

"God, you're boring. Where's your sense of fun and originality?" She asks.

"First of all I am fun and then..." I stick my tongue to her.

"Really articulate." She giggles. "Come on, it's a Hawaiian." I'm vegetarian she knows that much but she also knows that Hawaiian pizzas are the only exception.

"I don't know."

"Ok if you insist you can have a normal and boring breakfast." She stands and puts bread, cereals, peanut butter, honey, jam and chocolate. Then she puts an ice cream pot out of the fridge with a bomb of whipped cream.

"You're expecting someone else?" I ask amused.

"No I'm hungry and so are you." She simply says.

We start to eat and in the end I take a pizza slice.

"See? Pizzas rock!" She giggles.

"Where's Jeremy, by the way?"

"Staying at a friend."

It appears that I get along with Lindsey and Jeremy, since I spend a lot of time around. The three of us make experiments and I have to say that it is fun. The last one consisted into turning Nancy into a chicken with honey and feathers – hey I never said those experiments always had a scientific goal and besides they're supposed to be fun. Anyway we had fun and we even took pictures. Nancy didn't really enjoy the joke but she made me pay for it, she has drawn mustaches on my face while I was sleeping and I didn't realize it until I got to work. We're even.

She stares at me silently. It's her silent request. She wants me to talk about what's bothering me. And I do. I told you I was open to people when I get to know them and trust them. With Nancy it didn't take long. With Catherine it has taken five years. Anyway, I talk to Nancy, I do it because I want to. It's easy, I don't feel judged, and I don't feel insecure. I like talking with her, it's always fun. She does the same with me.

"It really bothers me." I continue "You know, we fought on the past. We did it often. In fact I think it was our only way to communicate. Anyway at that time it bothered me but I didn't really care. But now it's different the single little fight drives me insane... It really gets to me."

"It's normal. I mean, you've never been friends for long Cath and you, and now every fight matters because it could mean getting back to your old relationship, because your friendship is an important factor." She puts another spoon full of ice cream on her mouth "And if you add to that the fact that your in love with her it..." What???!!!

I spit the half of the coffee that was in my mouth and choke with the other half. Tell me she didn't just say that!!

"Oh man, you're gross!" She exclaims and giggles. I keep on choking in my coffee. She stands and gives me a glass of water. Then she sits back.

Ok, breathe Sara, breathe... I look at her funny and then I'm about to say something but she speaks again.

"I dare you to deny it." Her face is straight. There's no amusement here. "Because if you do it will be a blatant lie... and we both know it. So?"

I take it as a silent cue to leave so I start to get up but she takes my arm.

"Where are you going?"

"Look it's ok I understand if you don't want me around any..."

"What are you talking about?" She says. She looks angry now. "Give me some credit, will you. Do I look that shallow or close-minded to you? Do you really think that if it had disturbed me in any way I would have keep on sleeping with you – which mean three nights a week at least? Or that you would even be there for that matter?" She lets her words sink "You know I could be offended, I thought you would know me by now."

I don't know what to say. In about thirty seconds everything has turned upside down.

"I'm sorry."

"That's ok." She softens.

We stay silent for a while. She smiles a bit.

"So you're into women then?" She asks me amused.

I chuckle. "Let's just say that I never question my heart's choice"

That's true. I never bother for something as trivial as gender.

"I know I'm being curious, and you don't have to answer. But... How many women you've been with?" She asks sheepishly.

I giggle "Not so many actually. Three, if I remember correctly. But it never was flings."

"Ok."

"How did you figure it out? About what I feel for Catherine, I mean" That really intrigues me. I've been hiding this for more than two years now, how come she figures it out in four months. Because I know that I'm careful about it.

"You remember the night you made us cocoa?" She has a smug smile on her lips.

"Yeah?"

"When you hug her goodnight, that's when it occurred to me. It was just an intuition then. But the last four months confirmed it."

"Well you're observant."

"Yeah, I know. You know, the only reason I'm not a CSI is just because I don't want to put you and your team in the shade." She sighs.

"Beware I think you're head is swelling again." I smirk.

She has her serious face again. But I can see affection in her eyes. "You know, I just wanted you to know that it was ok if you wanted to talk about it." I nod.

"Thanks" I say "Just do me a favor though, next time wait for me to swallow my drink. You've nearly killed me."

"Well that was the point somewhere." I look at her quizzically "Well, yeah. I'm kind of jealous. I thought everything was fine in our couple. I mean you sleep with me and you love another woman. What am I supposed to think?" She says with a fake tragic tone. "What does she have that I haven't anyway?"

"Well..." I play along and put my fake guilty face on "I hate to break it to you _buttercup_, but... You snore like a pig and that is so not lovely."

She chokes on her ice cream then look at me indignant. I burst into laughing. She imitates the fish out of the water for a few seconds then she grabs the bottle of whipped cream.

"You better take that comment back." She tries to threat me but I'm laughing even harder, I'm laughing so hard that I'm about to cry. It's only when she starts to shake the bottle that I get a little scared.

"Wow, what are you doing?" I try but fail to suppress the big smile on my face.

"Take it back." She repeats. She sends me a death glare.

"You wouldn't"

"Is that a challenge? Just give me a chance _honey_." Ok now I know I'm in trouble.

I start to stand slowly and I get away from her with baby steps.

"Put the bottle down." I try to reason her.

"Take it back." She repeats again.

"Just put the bottle down before doing something you will regret." I try again. I feel like I was negotiating with a criminal.

"Take it back" She sounds like a broken record. And that damned smile of mine won't go away.

"Put the bottle down then we'll talk. Come on put it down."

"Take. It. Back." Her finger is on the trigger of the bottle.

"Ok." She starts to let her guard down. "You're not snoring like a pig..." She looks cocky. I can't resist, this is way too much fun. I try to contain my laugh, I'm so bad "Actually... You snore like a bunch of pigs!" I laugh, her face is just priceless.

"You're so going to pay this!!"

Then I feel something cold wetting my shirt. She did it! She's covered me with whipped cream. Surprise kills my laugh.

"Oopsy. Clumsy me..." She fake guiltiness. Oh she wants the war. Fine I'm in!

"You know what? I could use a hug right now." I say with a low voice and I move toward her.

"Sara... _Honey_, you deserved it... stop that... Back off..." She turns around the table.

"We have a deal remembered?"

"Well I'm not ashamed to deny you right now... Stay away from me."

"Fine." I grab a piece of pine apple from the pizza and throw it in her face.

"Ok. That was lame." She says with consternation.

"Really?" I take the bottle of chocolate and press it. It goes straight onto her shirt. "How about this?"

"You are so in trouble... Game's on" She says throwing more cream at me.

Almost everything that is in the table fly in the air. I grab the bottle of honey and make a progression toward her. She turns and try to runaway but I catch her in the living room. I put the bottle between her shirt and her back and pour honey on her.

"Nooooooo!! Please arrghh.." But we are laughing.

Then I tickle her so her knees give up and she falls on the floor. I straddle her and hold he bottle of honey above her head. We are both cover with chocolate, whipped cream, honey, pine apple, cereals, butter, jam and God knows what more.

"Beg for mercy." I say.

"You wish." I pour honey on her.

"Wrong answer. I said beg for mercy." We laugh.

"You..."

I pour honey on her mouth before she can finish. But as she closes her mouth the liquid runs on her face.

"I'll teach you to be sweet. Beg for mercy." I repeat. She doesn't comply so I tickle her again.

"Ok... Ok... Please stop." Once again I'm the master.

I stand and help her. We hug each other to make the peace – we couldn't get any dirtier anyway. Then we take a look at each other and burst into laughing. She goes to take the camera and we take some pictures of ourselves.

"Ok, here's the plan. You start to clean up and I go take a shower then we reverse the part." She says

"Why do you get to clean yourself first?"

"First it's my house and then..." She grabs the bottle of honey and pour it on the skin of my back. Ugh, that's awful.

"You're a pervert. We made the truce!" I protest.

"Yeah well now you know what I feel."

"You're so immature." I say. We laugh again and she starts to go to the bathroom.

I spend at least three nights a week with Nancy. Generally we just talk but sometimes we watch a movie. The only thing that doesn't change is the fact that we sleep together on the couch. I don't really know why. That's just our thing, I guess. Anyway, I have my habits in this house. I have spared clothes and my mug. That's like my second home.

I start to clean our mess. Ok that was really a stupid game because the kitchen is like a battlefield. It looks like there've been a nuclear explosion in it. But I've enjoyed every single second of it.

She gets back from the shower and I go. I wash myself twice because I feel sticky. When I get out of the shower I put my spared clothes on. Wait a minute...

I go into the living room and Nancy takes a picture of me.

"You've got to be kidding me." I'm wearing clothes that are about two sizes short. I look like an idiot.

"You should look at yourself, you look like a clown."

"Ah, ah."

"That was just a joke. I'll give you your real clothes. But you still have honey on you."

"Really? Where?" Come on I've just spend twenty minutes on the shower.

She comes to me and put her hand on my face. Her honey-covered hand. That's so low...

"Ah! You are so immature." I scold her. But she just put more honey on me.

"Yeah but I can live with that."

"Oh man... I've got honey on my hair."

"Poor little baby." She pouts.

I put some honey on her face. "You're not _sweet_ enough."

She giggles "Ok that's enough with the food. Let's grow up again. Go take another shower or you'll be late at work."

"You're right."

"Oh and give me those clothes I'll put them in the machine."

I take off the shirt and put it on the on the puddle of dirty clothes on the floor.

Shower here I come. Again.


	22. Chapter 22

**Ok, here's realisation time, meaning: it's time for Cath to get her head out of her...well you get the drift :p.**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So

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Chapter 22: Catherine

Ok, maybe I have overreacted. I mean if Sara says that her and Greg aren't a couple it can be true. I've been repeating our argument in my head over and over again. She had a point, appearances are treacherous. I have to believe her.

I didn't give her chance, I don't like being wrong. But I have to say that I wasn't really rational earlier. I've been thinking about it. It could have been a friendly kiss. I mean, maybe her and Greg are just like me and Warrick. I've kissed Warrick and I've told him that I loved him. But the fact is that Warrick and I are just friends. Crap. I've been an idiot.

Come to think about it most of the time when it is about Sara I don't think straight and I do stupid things. Go figured. God, I hope I can fix what I've done.

I need to stop all those questions in my head and I need to sort out all those raging feelings.

I need to talk to Nancy.

xxxxx

I've dropped Linds at a friend. Once again she took the opportunity to _order_ me to fix it. Teenagers...

I pull my car into Nancy's drive way, lock my car and go knocking on the door.

Nancy takes a little time to answer the door. Weird.

"Cath?" She looks surprised to see me. She's closing her shirt and looks freshly washed. Maybe I should have called her to say I was coming. She looks like she was hiding something, I can see that I'm disturbing her. Again, weird.

"If it's a bad time..." I start.

"Don't be silly."

She makes me come in. She takes a shirt off of the floor. That shirt rings a bell in me but I don't know why. But right now the matter is to know why it was on the floor. Nancy never let anything on the floor. I look at my sister and I think she's high. She's grinning like an idiot looking at the shirt in her hand. She intrigues me and it wakes up the investigator in me. I'm getting more and more curious about that puzzle.

I start to go in the kitchen when I put my foot into something sticky. What the...

"Nance... Is that... Honey on your floor?" I ask.

She turns to me and her grin becomes bigger. She bits her lips. "Oh that's... That's a remain of my earlier activities."

I open my mouth but I don't say anything. Ok, how come this spot of honey is about ten feet from the kitchen? What kind of activities? Wait a minute Jeremy's not there so... And the way she said this, she looked like a schoolgirl. That's when I notice that the water is running in the

bathroom. Well looks like she was having fun. I look at her but she doesn't seem aware of my presence. I need to check something.

"Nance..."

"Yeah." Oh she's high. Really, really high. I really should have call before coming.

"You're glowing."

"I am?" She doesn't stop grinning.

"Yes, you are."

"That's... That's a side effect of my earlier activities." She says with a bigger smile – if that's possible – and she's even blushing a little.

She bits her lower lip and drifts off somewhere. Well I think there's no doubt as about what she has done earlier. Clue number one: there was a clothe on the floor and I know that it wasn't her shirt. Clue number two: she was just dressing up again when she opened the door. Clue number three: she's unfocused, she's glowing and she's high. Clue number four: she can stop grinning like an idiot. Conclusion: it must have been good, really good. And tasty if I may add if the honey patch on the floor is of any indication.

The water stop running and she notices it but doesn't say anything. She's got it bad since she's willing to introduce me to her unknown team mate. Interesting, I'm really curious to know the person that can make my sister acting like a teenager all over again.

"You really care about her."

"What are you talking about?" She asks but she doesn't stop grinning. If she keeps on doing this it will provoked damages, I'm sure.

"The mysterious person you shared those _activities_ with." I let her know that I know.

"Oh that, well yeah I do care but it's not..."

"I hate you _buttercup_, I'm not sticky anymore but I'm still wet..." A sultry voice says suggestively. I know that voice "And I can find my..."

What the... Sara???

She trails off. She's standing there with her shirt opened, revealing her bra. She had a big smile matching Nancy's while she came in but it has faded the second she saw me. We staring at each other.

"...Catherine." She says with a neutral voice as if everything was normal.

I'm brain dead. My jaw is on the floor and I don't know how to take it back up. This has to be a big cosmic joke. I'm in the fourth dimension. There's no other explanations. My eyes go from Sara to Nancy to Sara to Nancy again and so on.

"You were saying _sugar_?" Nancy asks with a light tone and her damn smile.

"Yeah right..." Sara's smile returns "I didn't find my white cotton top on the bed."

"Well you're so _hot_ that I thought you didn't need it." Nancy says naturally. Moving her eyebrows suggestively.

"Says who?" Sara asks with a smirk.

"Says you _sugar_." Nancy's voice is sultry.

They're flirting right in front of my nose. I can't believe that they are actually flirting right in front of my nose!

"No I didn't. I said I was _seriously _hot. I still am matter of fact." She giggles, sighs and shakes her head. "I'm never going to live down with that, right?"

"You bet."

What's going on here? I can't breathe, I feel rage burning inside me and the pet names thing is just disgusting me.

"Look into my closet I must have mistaken it with my clothes." Nancy continues.

"Thanks, _sweetie_."

"Sure _honey_." They chuckle and wink at each other, Then Sara disappears again.

They have those matching smirks and matching sparkle in their eyes and the way they talk to each other is just gross. What? Appearances are the mothers of mistakes. Yeah I know, but the evidences never lie and I know what I see. They're in their world, I feel like I was invisible.

I can feel my stomach lurching. Sara and my sister. No way. I can't believe that it has been right in front of me and I haven't understood it sooner. Since Lindsey's runaway I've had suspicions. It never occurred to me that it was for real. And who knows? Maybe it's been going on since a lot longer. I want to hit something hard, really hard. Nancy keeps acting like everything was normal. Sara returns buttoning her shirt on her _white cotton top_.

"I found it." She says.

Well we can see that smart ass.

"Ok, I've got to go." She announces.

Who cares?

Nancy looks a bit disappointed though. "You don't want to stay for a coffee?"

Oh please... She looks like a sad puppy.

"Not today sorry."

They continue to act as if I was nothing but a plant. They don't say anything about them. Nope, they don't take time to tell me that they are lov... I can't even think about it.

"Ok." Nancy answers. Sara starts to leave.

It's about time.

"Hey don't I get a kiss goodbye?" Nancy scolds her.

Oh come on! Have a little mercy for me.

Sara looks at Nancy funnily and then Nancy holds her hand in the air, move her fingers and says "All _clean_."

Really subtle.

Sara takes Nancy in her arms. They hold each other for an eternity.

"Thanks for everything. I've had a great time." Sara says not leaving the embrace.

That's alright keep on acting like I was just a plant. I don't care at all.

"Me too, that was great." Nancy says.

Long live to sappy lines.

They seem glue together. Then Sara kisses Nancy's cheek and let go her embrace. God I want to puke.

Sara gathers her stuff and starts to leave. But then she turns to Nancy again.

"Oh? _buttercup_"She says with a big smile.

"Yeah _honey_?" Nancy answers with a matching smile.

This is so pathetic.

"I take it back, I was just kidding. You're perfect." Sara continues.

"I knew it already." Nancy says.

They giggle like dumbs and then Sara actually makes it to the door. "See you Catherine" She says flatly not even looking at me.

Oh now I'm visible... Go to hell.

Nancy looks at me quizzically. Her smile has remained. That is so disgusting. I want to scream. I want to hurt Sara badly.

Her and Greg that was something. But her and my sister, I feel like I was the biggest fool on the planet. I'm sure they make fun of me thinking that I don't see what's right in front of my eyes. What irony when my job is to notice things, isn't it?

"Coffee?" Nancy asks.

Is that all she has to tell me? She's kidding right? I don't know why but I feel the need to destroy her happiness.

"She kissed Greg you know." I say with bitterness.

"Yeah." She seems puzzled "So?"

"_Your sweet Sara_ is cheating on you and you don't care?" I'm spitting my words with contempt.

Nancy looks at me surprised. Her mouth is opened but she doesn't say a word.

"My sweet Sara?... What?..." Then out of the blue she starts to laugh. "No she isn't." She manages to say between two breaths.

"I'm sorry to break it into you but she does." I'm not sorry at all. But still I'm mad at Sara for cheating on her.

"Cath believe me she doesn't. That's impossible." She keeps on laughing.

"And what is so funny?" I ask her angrily.

"You, actually. You think... Sara and I... She can't cheat on me Cath."

"Yet she does." I repeat firmly. She stops laughing and look at me. She sighs.

"No she isn't cheating on me. Because cheating on me implies that she and I are actually lovers. And last time I've checked we were just friends. I admit we sleep together every time she comes by – as in 'in each other's arms', but that's it."

I start to fell the bitter taste of déjà vu. Someone please shoot me.

"All those pet names and your _earlier activities_..." I try

"Oh God, you thought we had..." She giggles "We made a battle with food, that's it. As for the pet names it was just for fun."

I want to cry. I feel like drowning. What's wrong with me. I'm out of my depth. I've probably ruined my friendship with Sara. And all this emotional roller coaster is killing me.

"Hey, it's ok, I admit that it could be confusing for outsiders." She says gently.

"I've got to go." I tell her and runaway like a bat out of hell. She doesn't question me, she just watches me go.

I have got serious issues.

xxxxx

I go to work. I bury myself into it. Work is good. Work anaesthetize me, I don't think, I don't feel. Well the good thing is that I get through to a lot of work. My case is moving fast, I've done all my paper work... Now I understand Grissom's attitude, work can be a very good friend when you need to calm your heart down.

Let's face it: work doesn't solve any problems but for a time being it puts them at rest. And right now that's what I need.

I've seen Sara twice tonight and she has barely looked at me. After that I've been working even harder. For once I feel like the shift ends too early.

xxxxx

I get Lindsey and then we go home. We have a good time together talking, then we watch a movie.

She has subtly asked me if I had 'fixed it' and I told her that I was working on it. Not much I admit. But it's not that easy. There's too much going on and I'm lost and confused and I feel stupid and I'm pissed off and I want to cry and I want to scream and I'm sad and I'm afraid and I'm mad and I'm hurt and I... See what I mean? That's too much. I need to sort myself out before even thinking of fixing things with Sara.

xxxxx

It's my day off. I've taken Lindsey to school and now I'm all alone in the house. I'm pacing again – I feel like I'm not doing anything else when I'm home alone lately.

Ok let's process this methodically. What's going on with me? No, that's a too large question. I have to do this step by step – baby step. So let's see, what do I know? I know that I'm emotionally instable when it comes to Sara. Question: why?

'_I know it...Ask me_...' Not you again. I know that voice, it's Nancy's voice, how the hell did she got there I don't know but it's really creepy.

'_Cath... Cath... Cath... It's time to face the monster. The elephant is not going away, if nothing he's growing up and soon there won't be any room to breathe so... let me help you.'_ Dear God, I'm going crazy. Not only am I earring a voice while I'm alone, but I'm actually listening to it. What do I have to lose anyway? Ok don't answer that.

'_Who is Sara for you?'_ Easy. She's a friend.

'_What do you feel for her?'_ Friendship?

'_Oh come on, bear with me will you? Be honest'_. I am honest!

'_No you're not. You're holding information'_ I don't particularly want to open this can of worms.

'_You have to. It's all about details. So... What do you feel for her?' _I... I am attracted to her, I guess. Happy?

'_Good. Relevance of this?'_ I don't know.

It's true I don't know. I'm attracted to Sara, there's no point of denying it. I've been attracted to her since somewhere between the 'two sharp women are better than one' line and the 'bling-bling' phone conversation. I have to admit she's cute, beautiful even. Yeah she's beautiful in her own way. In so far as she's beautiful in spite of herself. She's oblivious to the fact that she is attractive.

Every single lab tech has been, at point or another, drooling over her, even the cops did. Do you think she noticed it? No. Anyway she's beautiful really, it's the kind of subtle beauty. And she's just as beautiful inside as she is outside. I can tell you that now that I know her. I'm not worshipping her, but it's true. She's a devoted, caring, loyal, trustful, fun, intelligent, generous person. And that's not even half of it. I don't say that she's perfect. She has her defaults and she knows just how to push my buttons, but she's a great person.

And the fact that she is a great person makes her even more attractive.

I'm attracting to Sara, yes. As a general rule I'm attracted by both men and women. Come on, I mean I've been an exotic dancer, I've been working with a thousand of beautiful, well-sculpted, naked women. Being watched with lust-filled gazes and being the part of dirty fantasies of men every night was disgusting sometime. So much that sometime just the vision of a man was too much. That's when women became fair game. So... You know, I've done a lot more than just being attracted to women. It's a lot of fun, but I won't get into details. Just this though, if I had to dress up a top ten list of my best sex experiences ever, there would be two women _ex aequo_ in the first place... No comment.

Back to the matter at hand. I'm attracted to Sara. Well that would explain the jealousy. Not that I ever intent to work on this attraction, but since we're closer... I think that... Well it disturbed me to see that she could be so flirtatious with other people but not with me.

'_How lovely... But it's not why you have acted the way you did and you know it.' _I don't know what you mean then.

'_You know what I mean'_ Well no I don't actually. Otherwise I wouldn't be talking to a voice in my head when I'm supposed to be a sane and reasonable person now, would I?!

'_You were jealous'_ Yeah I've just said that.

'_No I meant JEALOUS'_ Move on.

'_Ok let's say that attraction could explain the jealousy, but it doesn't explain the emotional instability.'_ Fair point. But I don't have the answer for that one.

'_Two words: Uncalled-for jealousy.'_ That's three. Again, move on.

'_Why were you jealous then?'_ Arrgh. Because... just because!

'_Very articulate. Now would you please stop acting like a stubborn five year old.'_ You're just like my sister, always pushy!

Fine, I was jealous because... Because... Because it wasn't me, because we come to get so close that I was jealous that she could be so physically open, so to speak, to anyone but me. I mean she sleeps with my sister on the couch every time, she's touchy with Greg too. Even with Warrick and Nick. But with me she's guarded. Not as much as she used to be but still. One hug. One little hug and a tiny kiss on my forehead, that's all I can get every time she comes. My sister gets a hug every five minutes and sleep in her arms most of the time. I'm a touchy person, sometimes I need to make a physical contact – a pat on the shoulder, a hand on the cheek, but Sara denies me. She lets everyone doing it but not me. So yes, I'm jealous, and it's not uncalled-for.

'_Good but that doesn't explain the rage and the pain when you saw her and Greg or when you saw her and Nancy sleeping on the couch, or when you've imagined things between the two of them.'_ I don't know what you're talking about.

'_Well let me freshen up your memory then. When you saw her putting her tongue down Greg's throat or when you imagined Nancy and her doing something implying honey and...' _Stop it!

'_What did you feel then?'_

Jealous. I felt mad and disgusted. I felt hurt. I felt like I was catching her cheating on me.

'_Cheating on you?'_

Yeah that's how I felt. That's why we had a fight. That's why I was enraged.

'_That's it?'_

What else can I say?

'_Her and Nancy. Her and Greg. Then what?'_

She was kissing him. She was kissing him. She was kissing him. She was kissing him. She was... You get the idea. It makes my stomach lurch and I was burning from inside with jealousy... She sleeps with Nancy on a couch every time they see each other, and you should see them while they sleep they're like lovers... they are like... Nancy was glowing and the 'still wet' line and the pet names thing... I just felt like...

'_Come on say it.'_

I felt like...

'_Say it...'_

I felt like...

I felt like she had broken my bloody heart into pieces!!!... I felt like she had taken my heart out of my chest, thrown it on the floor and walked on it without mercy and then cut it into little pieces and set those on fire and...wow... wait a second...Oh. My. God.

'_You got it. That's why you feel the way you do when you're in her arms, that's why you're so mad when it comes to her and someone else...'_

No no no no no... This can't be. Me. Sara. Sara. Me. Me and Sara. No. No. That's just attraction and lack of physical closeness. I can't be... No it's impossible. I'm not... With Sara...

'_Go on girl we're almost there...'_

No

'_Just say it...'_

Me in love with Sara. That's... No... You tricked me into thinking this! God, this got to be a joke. I... I don't... Dear Lord.

I'm in love with Sara.

'_Not quite true if you want my opinion...'_

That's right.

I'm madly in love with Sara Sidle.

'_Now you can start sorting things out...'_

Screw this!

I'm so doomed.

xxxxx

I haven't slept in three days. This has to stop. All these feelings are just killing me. I got a big headache because I think too much. How did that happened? Where do those feelings come from? How long? Is it true?

I've been avoiding Sara. I just can get close to her again when there are so many questions and no answer.

I have to sort things out between us though. Just to think that I will lose her is making me cry. God I'm living in hell.

I have to talk to her. Not about what I feel of course, but I have to fix our friendship. Because I need her in my life. I need her. I love her.

I really have to talk to her.

xxxxx

I'm in the front of her door. My hands are sweaty, my mouth is dry, my whole body is shaking... In a word I'm nervous.

I knock on her door. It's strange the only times I come here – basically I've been here three times, well four now – it's when I have to fix something between us. We would have a fight because of my bad temper and I would come to her place to apologize.

She opens the door and she isn't really please to see me. Well her face doesn't show any emotion at all. She silently invites me in. I want to runaway but I push myself inside.

We know this dance. I get to my side next to the couch, she gets into hers next to the island. We take our positions – she crosses her arms on her chest and I try not to look panicked. Once we're all set, we stay silent looking around us as if words were flying and we were trying to catch them. To my surprise she begins to speak.

"I thought you'll never come." Her voice is flat. It reminds me our old fights. I'll have to be really strong to make it through this fight though.

I don't say a word. I understand why she thought such a thing. Usually when we have a fight it takes me hours or a day to come back. This time it had taken me half and a week. I'm staring at the floor. I try to gather enough force to look at her and her piercing gaze. That gaze makes me feel bare, it's a violent gaze. It makes me weak.

I look at her. She's like a stone. Her face is hard and there's cold emanating from her. She's closed off. Like old days, even more to be honest. She obviously won't say anything more. I'm stubborn, but saying she's stubborn would be the largest understatement. She can stay silent for ages, literally speaking. That's her armor and you really have to be smart to get through it.

"I... needed to think." I say with a firm voice. I need to display confidence even if it's fake.

I hate this. I hate being weak. But now that I know my real feelings. No. Now that I have _acknowledged_ my feelings it's hard to stay strong in front of her. She continues to look at me.

"I'm... ready to listen to you..."

"Well I'm happy for you." She says that with a cool emotionless voice.

"Sara..."

"You're ready to listen to me uh? Well maybe I'm not in the mood to talk."

I have to hang on. Each words is a cut right in me core.

"Sara ,I'm trying..."

"So that should make me feel better? Or I should make it easy, right?"

Breathe... Breathe... I could make it to the door in less than ten second without running. It would end this. But it would end up our friendship – or what's left of it – as well. That's the way it is with Sara in case like this, when you come to the end of the rope. You only have two options: take it or leave it. But you only have one chance so if you blow it then it's too bad for you. This is no conversation, she's lashing out at me. I can even fight back properly. I'm already in verge of tears. Come on put it together.

"No..." I need to hold on. "I was wrong the other day."

"Yes, you were." She states. Her voice is still cold.

It's funny how simple words can hurt so much. Well not really funny in fact. But I've deserved that, didn't I?

"I was out of line and I'd like to..."

"What's the point?" She cuts me off.

"What?"

"What's the point?" She repeats.

"I... I don't understand." I really don't see where she wants us to go with that question.

"What's the point of this?" She pauses "Why are you here?"

"To fix what I've damaged." I say firmly in a vain attempt to compose myself.

"What's the point?" She repeats again.

"Because... we're friends..."

"Are we?" She asks.

I need to close my eyes to stop myself from crying. I need to remember to breathe. I need to swallow the lump in my throat. It's funny how what you say can be used against you. If you knew that there's a record for every bad word you said and that those words were put aside only to be thrown at your face when you don't expect them, then you would be more careful when you speak, because time only make them worse and lethal.

"Sara... It's hard for me..."

"Poor girl, I'm being harsh, am I?"

"Sar..."

"It wasn't so hard for you to call me a liar, nor was it too hard for you to doubt our friendship. It wasn't too hard for you to blame me for Lindsey again – as if I wasn't blaming myself enough, was it Cath?"

"I was wrong... Look I want to fix this." My voice is wavering.

"Why?"

"Because it worth it..." It's like a ping-pong game I don' have time to elaborate before she attacks me with more questions.

"Does it?... You see, I don't think there's a point to fix this. What the use of trying to fix something if it's for destroying it in a few months? What is _this_ anyway? "

She keeps on looking at me. I don't really have the energy to do that, to fight. I'm slowly drowning.

"_This_ is our friendship." I tell her.

"How can I be your friend when you don't trust me?"

"I was out of line and anger was blinding me." I try to explain.

"That's too easy." She sighs. She hasn't moved from an inch. Her expression hasn't changed and her voice is still cold.

"He was drowning. His foot was stuck in the rope and the rope was tugging him down. The water was rising steadily. Quickly. I held his head out of the water, but the water kept on rising. I was there and I couldn't do anything but watching him being scared. I was scared to death. He was drowning and the look on his eyes was the worse thing I've ever seen" It's actually the first time she tells me what happened. "I was close losing him. At the hospital we talked. I kissed him and let him know that he was important to me. But that we were friends. That's it."

"I know..."

"No you don't." She's not leaving me any chance. "What happened between him and I, was supposed to stay that way, between him and I. I regret that you saw it. It was the kind of moment that you can't share with anybody else because they couldn't understand the meaning of it..."

"I understand..." I'm shaking. I cross my arms on my chest to keep me from falling into pieces. But she doesn't back off. She keeps on making me feel miserable.

"You've never realized how much it cost me to let you in. Every time I let a wall go down it's a sacrifice. I expose myself. I put myself in a position of vulnerability." She looks away and then back at me.

"You came here and told me that you wanted us to be friends. All this time the decision was yours. I've tried over and over again to be your friend and you've always rejected me. Always. But that day you came and you asked me if I wanted to let you in. For once, you were the one exposed. Since that day I've decided to give you a chance. And just as always you've waited for me to be confident to push me away again."

I can barely manage to look at her. Welcome to my execution.

"When we weren't friends it didn't matter. It would sting a day or two, then I would move on. But without any walls to protect me... It's just lethal."

"You're so guarded from me. We're friends but it seems like there's still a wall between us. Sometime it gets to me and I lose it. When I look around there's no walls between you and the others. But me..."

"That's because they don't know how to put me on my knees in less than ten words. You do." She states.

"Give me a chance..." I whisper.

"I don't know if I can." I can feel my heart bleeding. "I'm not bullet proofed Cath. There will be a moment where this little game will end. It's a sick cycle. You say something mean, then you come here and we repeat this scene over again, there's a happy end and we keep on going. I don't know if I'm willing to do that again, I'm sick and tired of this. I'm sick of being the one who gets hurt."

"Sara... It won't happen again."

"I don't know if I can trust you." She's using my words against me and it really hurts. She knows exactly the effects of her words on me. She has a humorless smirk on her face and her eyes are colder than ever.

"How does it feel Cath? Tell me how does it feel to be the one who have to listen to this. How does it feel to be on the other side?" She's looking at me more intently. Please tell me she doesn't actually want an answer from me. "You feel the deep pain?" She lets her words sink. I never knew that side of her, the bitter side. "Good, because now at least you know what I feel when you say all this things without even thinking twice about it."

"That's unfair..." I say with a bit of anger. She's mad at me so be it, but there's only much someone can take and right now what I need is a break.

"Unfair?" She snorts "You've never been fair to me. Since the first minute of our relationship, remember? Oh right I forgot, how could you remember, after all you were 'out on the field'... right?" She spits.

Right now it's taking me a lot just to keep on standing

She's tearing me into pieces. She does it on purpose and the worst of it is that it's only the truth. All this time I never thought about those things I've said to her during the past years. I knew some of my comments were uncalled-for. I know sometimes I was mean and cruel just because I could.

Now the parts are reversed and I don't like her position. It's like everything was blowing up in my face. And the fact that we're friends and now that I have feelings for her, just make it ten times worse. I look everywhere but at her, I fidget with my hands and try to keep myself from crying. But her gaze is unbearable, I can't see it but I feel it. I feel all her bitterness. She knows what's she's doing to me. And I hate myself for not being able to fight back. But I won't beg her to stop, at least I will keep my pride.

"I've never lied to you. You're precious to me. This friendship is precious to me. But if you're not trusting me, then we'd better give up now."

"I trust you..."

"It would have been better if you did trust me sooner."

"I..."

"As important as this is to me, as precious as it is, I don't know what to do." she sighs "I need time. I need some time to lick my wounds and think."

I won't be able to hold my tears any longer. I have to get out of here.

"I understand..." I manage to say. I look at her but her expression hasn't changes since the beginning. She has her hard unreadable face, with a cold, emotionless and dark look. "Just come by when..." I can finish.

"Yeah. Let's just hope I won't wait the spirit to move me."

"...Have to go." My voice is strangled by tears and I can barely walk. I rush out the door without a look at her. That was low.

xxxxx

I manage to get to my house in one piece. I drop on the couch and cry. And I cry and I cry.

The pain is unbearable.

Fuck.

* * *

**Sometimes realisation hurts... Hey don't be mad, I warned you all, I told you it wouldn't be easy, this is Cath and Sara we're talking about here! Don't worry, we're getting there... slowly, but we are...Just be patient and have faith in me :) **

**Thanks for reading ;)**

**So**


	23. Chapter 23

**Your reviews make my day as usual. Here's some more, there's some love, a lot of confusion, some pain - of course, a bit of sorting things out, a lot of thinking... well we're moving closer to our goal here :). I must be on speed - must be the holiday or something, anyway I can't seem to find a way to stop myself from writing. I had this big revelation last night anyway... the point is, here's four more chapters.**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So

* * *

Chapter 23: Sara**

Fuck.

That was brilliant, really. You've put her down and hit her while she was down. Good job Sidle. You should be proud of yourself, that was smart, mature and really useful. And why have you done it? Revenge, fun? No. Because you could. That's it. Just because you could. Your parents would have been so proud of you right now...

Fuck.

I hit a wall and then I throw what comes into my hands on the floor. I'm a coward. I'm the monster I was taught to be. I shouldn't have done that. That's not me.

Fuck.

I pace like a caged animal. Lately it had been hard to take it. She's never hurt me like that before. I've spent almost two weeks waiting for her to stop ignoring me. I thought she had given up on me. It was a torture, a real torture. Still, it was no excuse to have a go at her. That was low. I hurt her and I did it on purpose. I knew what I was doing the second from she has started to speak.

The worse it that there was a part of me who wanted that, who wanted to hurt her badly, who knew exactly how to do it, and who has taken a twisted pleasure doing it.

I was just like my parents. I had the upper hand and I abused it. I've always sworn to myself that I'll never be like them. But the truth is that I have to fight this part of myself, because deep inside I'm not any different from them. I lock this side of me. I know one thing for sure if I ever feel like I was losing the battle with myself then I'll swallow my gun straight away. I can't put anyone through the hell I've been.

I failed Cake another time. I promise to try to fix it. And what do I do? I hurt Catherine on purpose and I push her away, I talk to her with all my bitterness and spit her harsh words straight back in her face. I've put myself so low that I used her own barbs against her. Those words are five years old and yet I used it against her. She was right I was unfair. I know it, I knew it then but it didn't keep me from doing it.

I'm mad. At myself for turning into something I hate. At her for being so oblivious of the pain she's inflicting me.

Fuck.

xxxxx

It's been a week. A long week. A long painful week.

I've had nightmares – nothing new here. But in those I was the executioner and Catherine was the victim. I was my parents, and she was me. I haven't really slept for a while now. Forty minutes a day when get lucky, if I'm lucky. I've been playing our argument a thousand times in my head and it's still the same I end up lashing out at her mercilessly.

I saw her at work but I ignored her. I feel like I was... I don't know. You know it's like falling into a big hole. You wait for hitting the bottom, because you know that you need to hit the bottom if you want to get up again. Here the problem is that the bottom never come so you keep on falling endlessly.

What do I want? Do I want to let her go? Do I want to give up on our friendship? I don't want to be hurt but I couldn't stay next to her and not being her friend. Not now that I know what's it's like.

For once I don't want to runaway. For once I'd like things to be right. I'd like to finish one thing, to achieve it. If I give up now then I'll never forgive myself . So I think it's time to gather my strength and take the bull by its corns.

It's time.

xxxxx

Shift is over. Greg wants to buy me a breakfast but I refuse. Instead I drive home. I take a shower, change and head out again. During the trip I try to make a plan. I try to formulate what I have to say. I hope she will want to give it a try again.

I arrived at her place ten minutes ago. But I'm still in my car. I take a deep breath and then I get out. I walk to her door and wait again. I've been thinking about this and I'm about to make a decision. The odds are even. I win everything or I lose it. But there's no alternative option. I think it's the best. I knock and wait.

Catherine opens the door. She looks tired, she looks small. There's sadness in her eyes. I know I'm the one who put it there, at least a part of it. We stare at each other for a moment. She heads inside and let me the choice between getting in or leaving. I get in.

She's in the kitchen and she's making the coffee. She turns to me and leans against the counter top. I stay near the island. It has to start somewhere so...

"I've been thinking a lot." I say. She just nods. "I came to the conclusion that it has got to stop." I see panic and fear rising in her eyes, her face turns pale and then she looks away. "This 'pulling-pushing' game I mean."

"I know." Her voice is firm but unsure.

"You've always been in control. We've always play by your rules. You're the one who decides if I deserved your friendship, you're the one who decides when our arguments are over, you're the one who decides when you don't want me anymore, and you're the one who decides when I worth it again." I pause. "That's over."

"Sara..."

"Please let me finish." I cut her. "I'm tired of this and I won't do it again. I won't let you push me away and keep on coming back just to be pushed again. So we're going to play by my rules now. I want to be your friend. That's why I'm back. But if you push me away again, so help me god it will be the last time because I won't come back. It's a guarantee, and I always hold onto my word. As excruciating as not having you in my life will be I'd rather suffer and move on than keeping on coming back. So now it's up to you. You decide what you want to do." I say firmly.

I'm no fan of ultimatums, but I've done that already. And I will go insane if I don't draw the line now. I thought about it and that's the only solution now. I'm laying all my cards on the table. She takes what I'm offering or she rejects me once for all and it will be the end.

"I can't promise you that there won't be any fight because..."

"Our personalities can afford it, I know." We both snort. "I just want to know that the next time something will bother you, you will try to speak to me so we can fix this together. I want to know that you won't bully me then think about trying to talk to me. I know there will be fights but if I know that we walk on the same side then we'll get through it..." I sigh "That's my rules, take it or leave it."

I hold my breath. She keeps on looking at me. My heart stops for a while, once again she's in charge.

"I take it." She says firmly. "I take it" she repeats.

I'm breathing again. I smile a bit and so does she. Of course it's not that easy. We have a long work waiting for us but it's a start.

"You want to stay for lunch?" She asks me. It seems like it was the hardest thing she's ever done.

"I can't. Actually I have something important to do." I can see that she's hurt but she doesn't protest.

"Ok." She whispers.

I turn to leave and she walks me to the door. I open the door and then turn to her. Time is stuck. I don't know what I should do, whether I should hug her or not. It's not that I don't want to, but suddenly it's not as evident as it used to be. I have to learn to let her get close again.

"Do you think we'll be alright?" She breaks the awkward silence.

I caress her cheek delicately and then bend down a bit to kiss her forehead – it's a butterfly kiss.

"I know it." I tell her – I don't know who I'm reassuring, her or I, maybe both. Then I go.

I hope I'm right.

xxxxx

So that's where it all starts again.

A week has passed and we haven't moved yet. Of course now when I see her in the hall or in the break room I notice her. We smile weakly to each other, we try to talk, but it's awkward, it's confusing and so we don't push it. We're back to square one, or even further I think.

But I want to make it change, that's why I'm standing in front of her door. We need to get through this phase, I don't like it. I feel like being stuck in a bad place, so moving on seems to be a good thing. Come on Sidle, you can do it.

When she opens the door she's surprised to see me, but pleased I think. I haven't been here again our last talk, no breakfast, no lunch, no coffee. I haven't been there for what? A week, one day , ten hours and something like thirty minutes – but who's counting? what? – and yet I feel like I was coming back after ten years of absence.

She makes me come in and I stay in the entrance. She closes the door and faces me. We take a look at each other, she seems not at ease, nervous, she's having a hard time to look at me. Well maybe it wasn't a brilliant idea to get here. I mean maybe she wants to go slow.

"Hey." I say. Not really articulate I know but it'll have to do because I don't want to choke in the tension that is between us.

"I'm... I'm glad to see you" She gently says. "Here" She adds.

"It's good to be here." I genuinely answer.

"Breakfast?"

"Sure." I flash her a quick smile and we go to the kitchen.

We're in perfect harmony here, each one of us know what to do. I take care of the coffee and the bread, she takes care of the fruits and the mugs and the condiments.

We take our place and wait for the coffee to be done.

"I came here for a reason." I start. She looks a bit panicked. "Lately I felt like it wasn't working between us..."

"We're good, aren't we?" She cuts me.

"Yeah of course. I'm sorry I didn't mean to put it that way. We're fine don't worry. It's just that I feel like there was a distance between us and so I wanted to know if you wanted to..."

Then something happens in my brain. I can see the word 'date' flashing in big red neon lights in my mind. So I start to get really nervous and I feel like there was an army of butterflies in my stomach and my mouth goes dry... It sets me off balance and I can here my voice saying something elaborate like 'Uh...I...Uh... I... I...' And so on for almost a whole minute.

Two words: brain fart. Get a grip Sidle! This is ridiculous because I'm not going to ask her to date me. But it feels like it because I'm going to ask her to go out, and ever since the beginning of our friendship it's the first time I actually do that. We have spent a lot of time together, yet it was always in her house. But it's not a date. It's not a date...

I keep on repeating that in my head and then focus on her again.

"We... uh... We've made a bet and I was thinking of collecting my winnings." She looks puzzled. "The 'cocoa bet'. Since you've lost you're supposed to be mine." Her eyes become as round as diner plates and I just realize what I've just said. Smooth, really smooth. Do you think they sell spare battery for brains? Because mine has burnt. "You, Lindsey, Nancy and Jeremy, I meant... Anyway it will be fun. So... I asked Nancy and the two monsters and they were ok... I know that Friday is your day off... I don't want to presume anything... I wanted to know if you were in or out..." What kind of phrase is that? '_I wanted to know in you were in or out?_' This is so lame.

She's not reacting. Actually, she looks like she was zoning somewhere.

"Catherine?" I ask.

"Umh?...Oh... Yeah of course... that would be great." She stammers.

"Great!" I say hastily. Calm down Sidle, damn it!

Now that is settled I feel a bit relieved and more comfortable. We start to breakfast and soon the conversation goes nicely. But there is still this part of her that seems nervous and not at ease. I think it's because of me. It's kind of weird. But I don't point it out.

There's a silence between us.

"I've really been missing you." I tell her and put my hand on her forearm. But she jerks away as if she'd been burned and spills her mug full of coffee on the table and stands up urgently so her chair falls over. Wow, something's wrong. "You're jumpy..."

"Shit..." She exclaims and start to dry the table like she hadn't hear me. In fact she's ignoring me.

"Cath..." She keeps on ignoring me "Cath..."

"God I'm so clumsy... look at this mess..." She rambles. I think she's on verge of tears, I don't get why it's just a bit of coffee on the table nothing dramatic.

"Cath... Cath stop." I stop her hands and make her look at me "Is there something wrong with me being here?"

"No, no... I..."

"You seem so nervous since I stepped in here."

"I know it's just..." She's looking anywhere but at me.

"What? What is it?" My voice is soft and caring.

"I feel like walking on egg shells. I'm so scared of making something wrong that I can't relax." She confesses me.

I understand her, I feel the same. Well I did before I came here, because now I'm more relaxed. For the last week we were well aware of the fact that our relationship was fragile. It was like we wanted so much not to blow it that in the end we kept ourselves from living this relationship. But I thought that the two hours we've just spent talking were enough to prove that we could relax and be ourselves again.

"It's stupid I know..." She berates herself.

"No, I felt the same, but it's alright." She looks ashamed of herself. "Come here" I take her in my arms and for a moment she doesn't return the embrace. But then I feel her arms snaking around my waist and tighten the hold. God I've missed that too.

"I've been missing you too." She says against my shoulder.

"We're alright. Everything is going to be fine. So just relax, ok?"

"Ok."

We stay like this for several minutes and then I pull back a little. I don't completely let her go but I position myself so I can see her face. We gaze at each other. It's strange I feel like falling. I could really lose myself into her eyes. I break the contact though by kissing her forehead because I don't want her to see my feeling for her.

"I should go." I say gently.

We reluctantly let go but stay inches away from each other.

"I'll come to pick Lindsey and you up on Friday. We're leaving early."

"Where do we go?" She asks.

"You'll see." I smile brightly.

We clean the kitchen and she tries to make me talk but I resist. Then I go but not without hugging her and kissing her forehead once more. That's our thing and I'm addicted to it. What can I say? I love her. And if it is all I can get then I'll enjoy it as much as possible.


	24. Chapter 24

**Ok, so here's some fun. I felt bad about Cath, I think I've been mean a lot toward her so I've decided to go easy on her this time - not too easy though. :)****

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Chapter 24: Catherine

She hugged me and kissed me. Twice. And the first time it was so intense, for a split second I thought she would kiss me on the lips. But I was just daydreaming. But her kisses gave me fever. And they were just on my forehead, I don't know if I'll survive the day she'll kiss me on my lips. Yeah, like this day will happen! But just thinking of it makes my heart rate increased. A girl can dream, right?

Did I mention that she hugged and kissed me twice? It's a good sign. And she touched my arm, the heat of her hand on me made my skin burnt, and she said that she has missed me, and she hugged and kissed me twice... I've already said that I think.

Oh, and did I mention that we were going out on Friday? Ok, it's not a date, but it will be our first going out together. I'm so exciting...And she hugged me twice. And she kissed my forehead twice too. Just thinking of it makes me weak on my knees... Twice... Not once, twice!! Do you realize it?.. Ok I need to calm myself a bit... Just one last thing: she hugged and kissed me TWICE!!

xxxxx

Hell, I feel like I was back in high school all over again. All the week I've felt as a schoolgirl, I couldn't stop thinking about her, when she came for breakfast I couldn't wait for our hug and when she hugged me I felt like melting and floating all at the same time. I could feel butterflies in my stomach. It is so intense when I'm in her arms. It's almost orgasmic. My heart beats faster when I think about her, when I see her and well it almost explodes every times she touches me. I'm addicted and I'm in love.

I am so doomed.

xxxxx

It's Friday at last! Don't you ever have this feeling that the more you want time to go fast the slower it goes? I'm so exciting that I haven't slept. I kept on thinking about her and our going out.

She came at 9 a. m. to pick us – me and Lindsey – then we head to Nancy's house. We've taken two cars, so Nancy is following us with Jeremy and since he wanted to talk to Lindsey during the trip... I'm alone with Sara in a car. There's less than a meter between us and my body is overheated. We're talking, without interruption. I need to do something to keep me from thinking about the messages my body is sending to my brain and to keep my brain from having fantasies about the woman next to me. I am a bit disturbed as you can see.

It's a long trip. A very long trip. I'm aware of every single minute of it.

I'm glad when we arrive at our destination – which mean in the middle of nowhere near a lake and a forest, because I was about to prove the theory of human combustion.

"What's this place?" I ask to Sara as I stretch my legs a little.

"Welcome to my very own sanctuary, you will love it so relax..." She smirks.

We join Nancy and the kids and we settle near the lake. There are a few people around us, well at least it's not really the end of the world.

"I guess your wishes are our command." Nancy says with a grin on her face.

"You're right, and for now I've got only two. First I want you to enjoy the picnic I've prepared and then I want you to have fun." Sara says with a bright smile.

A picnic, that's how she called it. It's a king's feast! She has cooked enough food to feed an army , and believe when I say that she can cook!

We're having a great moment eating then she makes us taste what has to be the meanest chocolate cakes in the world...

After eating Sara proposes to play hide and go seek. I hide myself behind a big tree, but it's a strategic point because I can see Sara without being seen. She finds Nancy easily because my sister sucks at hiding herself without giggling. I wait patiently, I witness Sara finding everyone but me. It's funny because she looks for 'evidences' to find us. I guess I'm the best hider because she seems to have difficulties to find me, I on the other hand have to make a big effort not to laugh. Wait a minute I can't see her anymore...

I feel a little sting behind my neck, that particular sting that tells you that you're not alone. I watch everywhere but I don't see Sara anywhere. I strain my ear but it's useless because I can't hear anything above my heartbeat. But I have this feeling of being watch so I decide to change my position. I watch again but there's still no Sara. Suddenly two hands set themselves on my waist and start me, the surprise keeps me from squirming and my heart rate is the only real evidence of my little fright. Then I can feel a breath near my ear.

"I found you." A husky voice says. There's shiver traveling down my spine, I can believe this is Sara's voice. I feel my knees go weak for a second, lucky me she's still holding me.

"Yeah seems like it." My voice is shallow, but I can't seem to focus while I can feel her hands burning the fabric of my T-shirt, making my whole senses kicking in overdrive. "I didn't see you coming." I try hard to control my breathing, if she notices my struggle she doesn't seem to care or at least she's using it against me. I can feel her pulling her body closer of my back.

"I know." She says calmly. Her voice is about to give me an orgasm, her tone is so deep that I can feel it reverberating in every inch of my body. "You know what they say?"

I honestly don't have any faculty to think right now. Not when my body is reacting so vividly to her presence "No." I manage to say with a shaky voice.

"All the pleasure... Is in the chase." She whispers – with a voice deeper than ever – in my ear and kisses the spot behind my ear. Holy Jesus. With that simple touch she cuts my breath and I have to bit my lips to keep me from moaning.

It takes me some seconds to realize that she has released her grip and gone away. I'm actually surprised I still can walk. I feel a little dizzy and really aroused to say the least. When I join back the group she acts as if nothing ever happened.

After that Nancy and I decide to rest a little – I definitely need it – while Lindsey, Jeremy and Sara start playing ball games. Then I don't know why but they stop and seem to have a 'brainstorming' looking suspiciously to me and Nancy. I have a bad feeling about this.

"What a beautiful day uh?" Lindsey says cheerfully, if you want my opinion I'd say she looks like the devil himself.

Then Sara and Jeremy come along and the three of them are surrounding us. It feels like a trap. The look on their eyes is not so nice to see, I feel like a tiny mouse surrounding by lions, if you see what I mean.

"Yeah, you're right it is. What do you think Jeremy?" Sara says with a strange voice.

"It is a beautiful day." He answers.

Ok now it's time to runaway, I don't like what's happening. Within a second they grab a dozing Nancy in their arms. Well, she's awake now, and she's a bit panicked. Lindsey and Jeremy are holding her feet while Sara holds her arms... And they're walking to the lake...

"Let me go!... What are you doing? Cath help!... let me go..." I can here Nancy shouting. I'm laughing hard and I prepare the camera because this is so funny.

"Cath help me!..." No way.

Then Sara and the kids count on three and swing her above the lake... And then there's a big splash. This is priceless. I take pictures of Nancy, she looks like a scared cat when she comes out of the water.

"It's cold..." She shouts "You'll pay for this" She threats them but they don't really seem to care.

She gets out of the water and start chasing them. Well it's unfair they are three and she's alone so basically they're ridiculing her, so she gets more upset. Then she gets Sara.

"You are so going pay for this." Nancy says.

"Oh come on it was fun..." Sara answers giggling.

"Oh yeah? How about a little swim?" I've never seen Sara being scared before but now I did.

"Linds, Jay, give me a hand." Sara asks them, they look at each other and then they smile brightly.

"Sure" they answer in unison.

And to Sara's surprise they help Nancy to throw her in the lake. This is just awesome! I'm enjoying this whole scene. There's a rather angry, wet Sara who's emerging from the water – she's wet and all her clothes are tight on her... ok I think I'm drooling – and the chase starts all over again but this time Nancy and Sara gang up against Lindsey and Jeremy. I'm happy right now that my camera also makes a camrecorder. Jeremy's in the lake, Lindsey's still running. And she's alone against the three of them because she has just 'helped' Jeremy to 'slip' into the lake. Lindsey resists them for five good minutes but she finally ends up on the lake. As for myself I'm laughing so much that I'm about to cry.

In fact I'm laughing so much that it takes me some time to realize that they're looking at me with a predatory look. About five seconds later they're around me. Oh I'm in trouble.

"You're having fun aren't you?" Nancy asks. "This is how you're helping me uh?" She says tilting her head.

"Cath, Cath, Cath..." Sara starts, shaking her head from left to right.

"Hey I haven't done anything!" I start to protest. That's true all I did is collecting evidences of their mutual betrayals!

"You're nervous Mom?" Lindsey asks me.

"Watch out Lindsey I can ground you to your room for the rest of your days." I try not to sound panicked.

"Oooh I'm scared." She says with a mischievous smile.

"I'll take this." Jeremy says taking the camera from my hand. Ok, plan B: running.

I start to runaway but I'm not as fast as I thought I would be, Sara grabs me only after a few meters. I debate myself but she starts to tickle me and if you add that I'm weak from her touch then I've lost the battle even before starting it. Nancy and Lindsey join her and they start to tickle me as well, that is unfair!

I'm laughing and screaming and squirming in every senses. It's so unbearable that I fall on the ground.

"Stop please... Please..." I beg them.

They continue for a moment and then they let go. I stand up and take a few steps away from them. My whole body is flushed, my breathing is labored, and I'm a little wet because they were soaked. They tortured me!

"I'm wet, happy?" I show them my shirt.

They look at each other and the agree on not throwing me on the lake. Well, I'm lucky, so to speak. We return to our spot. But suddenly I don't feel the ground under my feet anymore and it takes me a minute that I'm over Sara's shoulder.

"Sara... Put me down..." She doesn't seem to hear me. "Nancy, help me!"

"Sure..." Nancy says. "Sweetie hand me the camera please."She asks Jeremy. My parents should have called her Benedict or Judas!

"Sara... Put me down now!" I order.

"As you wish." She says and starts to put me down. See? I can be very persuasive... Wait is that water on my feet...

God it's cold!! I'm paddle in the water now. She cheated! I can't believe she did it!

"I'll kill you Sidle!" I scream.

"Hey you asked for it!" She held her hand in surrender and has an innocent look on her face.

After a little chase and another session on tickling we decide to make a truce. We dry ourselves a little. Then Sara wants to take us somewhere else, so we pack the blanket and all the stuff and put them back in the cars. Then we start to progress through the forest.

We walk for about thirty minutes, climbing would be a better word because the field is not flat at all. We arrive at a high little valley and we're overhanging the lake. Wow. The view is simply huge, breathtaking even. The sun is diffusing orange rays as it sets down. We're all in awe in front of this show. Being in town for too long makes you forget how beautiful nature really is.

We take pictures of ourselves to immortalize this day. I definitely won't forget it. I had fun like I hadn't had for a long time. It' was perfect from the beginning to the end. Sara's been perfect.

We head back to our cars. Once again I'm alone with her. But the trip back is less excruciating. I seem to have a little control over my body. To my surprise we don't get home. Sara takes us to an arcade. There are a lot of video games there.

We play to every video game and I have to say that I enjoy it. Sara is a killer, she's as tough as Jeremy and Lindsey, while Nancy and I are lame.

Before we go we take pictures in a photo booth. We're making a good thousand of it wincing, sticking our tongues, making funny faces. There are photos with the five of us, then there are photos with only groups: Linds and Jeremy; Jeremy, Nancy and Lindsey; Sara and Nancy; Sara, Nancy and the kids; Sara and the monsters... With every combination possible, so I have my moment with Sara. For five minutes she's close to me, she puts her face against mine, her body against mine, for five minutes I feel like I was in heaven. It takes me minutes to stop feeling my blood boiling.

We at last come back home. We're exhausted. We go to my place and Sara makes us cocoa, then we order pizzas and watch a movie. It's almost midnight when Nancy and Jeremy go back home. I feel a sting of jealousy when Sara and Nancy hug each other, somehow there's this thing between them that I don't like. Lindsey goes to bed almost immediately hugging me and Sara goodnight.

"What a day." Sara says when she returns in the living room to help me cleaning up.

"Yeah, but it was fun."

"You're kidding? It was awesome!!" I say cheerfully.

"I'm glad you liked it. I had a great time." She pauses "We should do this another time."

"Definitely." I have a big smile on my face.

Ten minutes later everything is clean.

"I should go, I'm beat." She announces.

"You can crash here if you want." I don't really want her to go. She considers it for a second.

"Nah, thank you though."

I lead her to the door. For once I'm the one who initiate the hug. I hold her tight for a long moment. She doesn't complain. My heart is about to burst so much I feel good right now.

"Thank you for this wonderful day" I say.

"You're more than welcome."

When I lift up my head she's smiling brightly, and I can feel my knees buckle, God she's beautiful. She kisses my forehead and her lips linger a little. Then she's gone. I, on the other hand feel like I was on the moon so much I'm lightheaded.

After today, I'm a little more in love with her.

I'm happy, there's no doubt about it.

xxxxx

I'm in hell. I dream about her, I think about her all the time, I notice every single thing about her, I want to touch her all the time, I can seem to be able to think when I'm near her, I don't think when I'm not near her, my heartbeat goes crazy whenever I see her, whenever I'm with her, whenever I'm in her arms. I can't sleep, I can't eat, just thinking about her. These feelings are killing me, and it's not only a figure of speech.

Love stinks!


	25. Chapter 25

**Time to think for Sara... with some help from Nancy of course. :)

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Chapter 25: Sara**

Everything is for the best. In fact I feel like that month was the best I had in a long time. I haven't stopped to smile for days! Everything is fine with Catherine, everything is fine at the lab. My life is colorful, and full of things unrelated to work. I'm proud of myself and really am happy. For the first time in my life everything is on the bright side.

"You seem really joyful lately." Nancy tells me handing me a glass of orange juice.

"Well, I feel kind of joyful so..."

Catherine had to put a double shift so I went to Nancy for the afternoon. It's our day off so we decide to spend a little time together.

"Are you ever going to tell her?" She asks out of the blue.

"Tell who what?"

She chuckles "Tell Catherine." She answers simply.

"What do you want me to tell her?"

"Tell her that the sky is blue." She gives me that exasperated look that says 'you're so dense sometimes'. "Duh...Tell her what you feel silly!"

"Oh that." I think about it "No." Nancy and I have been talking about my feelings a lot. It's great to have someone to talk about those things with, without feeling judge. Yet it's the first time she's asking about my eventual plan to expose them to Catherine.

"Why not?"

"Because." I don't really think she will let me off the hook that easily but trying doesn't kill.

"Really elaborate." She snorts. "Why not?" She repeats.

I shrug but her inquisitive look won't leave me. I sigh heavily.

"Why would I do such a thing? I mean... She doesn't feel the same so..."

"And you would know that for sure because...?" She asks me.

"I just... know it."

"You think that, but you don't know it, and the only way to know would be to tell her." She reasons logically.

I hate when she uses logic!

"There's no way I'm telling her what I feel." I protest.

"Why not?"

I snort "Does the word 'heartbreak' ring any bell?" I spell it out for her..

"So that's it then?"

"Are you kidding me? It's a lot already!" I say in disbelief.

"Well that's not a reason, that's an excuse." She replies.

"What's the difference?"

"You being in love with someone else would be a reason, you being scared is a lame excuse to make you feel better."

I really don't like the turn of this conversation. But in the other hand debates with Nancy are always useful to pull me out of the dark.

"You're probably right, but it's enough for me." I say flatly.

"Don't get me wrong I don't say that heartbreak is a good thing, just that you don't know for sure that it's what's waiting for you."

"Do you know something that I should know?" I ask, not sure of what I should read between the lines.

"I'm not playing matchmaker, I'm just saying that you'll never know for sure if you don't tell her."

"There are 99 of chances that she doesn't feel the same." I state.

"Which means there's still 1 of chances that she does feel the same" She replies.

"Hooray..." I reply sarcastically.

"Hey that's still a chance. There's one chance on a billion to become rich playing slots machines, but everyday there's lucky players." She says optimistically

"Playing with money is one thing, I don't play with my heart." I say firmly.

"Nobody's asking you to play with your heart..." She sighs a makes a pause. "You should tell her, because it's not good to let our feeling rot inside. Otherwise you'll become bitter." She states

"Ok, let's admit that I tell her what I feel. If she rejects me not only will I be left with a broken heart but I will lose a friendship. That sounds like a great plan." I reply humorlessly.

Plus, I won't be able to get over the pain. I know that if my heart breaks I won't be able to put it totally back together. My feelings are so strong that they'll kill me until the end.

"That's not true. You won't lose her as a friend. Give her a little credit, will you. It would be awkward but after a moment you'll get over it and move on instead of passing the rest of your days being eaten alive by your feelings. But you'll still have her and Lindsey and me and Jeremy. "

"I won't take that risk."

"Well you're selfish then." She spits. I'm about to reply but she continues "What if she does feel the same?"

"That's easy for you to say!" I say with anger. "I've got too much to lose to take such a risk!"

"You see? You're turning this about you and you only. Stop thinking about yourself for a second. Think that you could both be happy. I mean you could make her happy – hell you already do! And you would be happy, and it could be great! You've got everything to gain!"

"Maybe but the hurt of rejection would be unbearable!" I spit. "I don't want to go through this! I can't!"

"Sara, there's always hurt when there are feelings. When you get involved with someone whether it's friendship or love there's always the risk of being hurt." She says calmly. "Look I don't say it's easy, I'm just saying you're asking yourself the wrong question."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you love her?" That's a simple question.

"I do." I answer honestly

"No, I meant do you really love her?"

"I do." I repeat more forcefully and gaze at her.

"Then the question is not so much to know if you're willing or not to take that risk but rather if it's risk that worth to be taken." She lets her words sink in. "Once you'll get the answer to that question, I swear that nothing else will matter, not even the heartbreak." She sighs "You owe that to yourself and to her. Because if she does feel the same and if you don't tell her what you feel then you'll both waste a lot of time and love and happiness. We only got one life so don't waste the good things when you can get them"

She lays her hand on my arm and caresses it gently. "It's a complicated question, but it's the only one that matters here. Does that risk worth being taken or not? Just think about it and then you'll see everything will be clear as crystal."

We let the silence falling between us. I honestly don't want to think, I don't know if I can anyway. I feel more confused and angry. I'm angry against Nancy for making it look to simple. I'm angry at myself for not being able to show her that she's wrong, and I have a big headache with all my confuse thoughts.

I leave Nancy and head back home. But once I'm in my car I find myself driving around without any destination and without purpose.

xxxxx

I haven't been able to think. And I haven't been able to sleep because my mind is a mess; I kept on rearing my conversation with Nancy and I kept on thinking where it went wrong.

I've spent a week working and trying to have a grip on a coherent thought without any success. I've been at Catherine four times this week and four times it was uncomfortable – she was nervous around me and I was not at ease near her. I think I'm slipping slowly into insanity.

There's someone I need to talk to.

xxxxx

When he opens the door he's more than surprised to find me on his doorstep but he invites me in with a soft smile.

"I hope it's not a bad time." I start nervously.

"No, not at all." He answers. "Is there a problem?" He asks concerned.

"I don't know, I've been thinking a lot but I couldn't find answers and I've been thinking a lot more and I end up here." I ramble.

"Sara, are you sure you're ok?"

"I'm not ok that's for sure." I sigh "Look Grissom, I think we need to talk."

"What about?"

I look nervously around and then focus on him again. "Us. I think we need to talk about us." I finally say.


	26. Chapter 26

**Pain... yeah love hurts... nothing new here...

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Chapter 26: Catherine**

I'm drowning in my agony. This thing I feel... This love... Is killing me, and that's not just a figure of speech. I'm serious, it gets on my nerves.

I never believed people who talked about love as a disease. Now I know they were right. And I know it for sure because I'm ill and I don't know what to do. I barely eat, I barely sleep, my heart makes jumps on its own, my stomach is having fun at making knots and is raising butterflies, and my head is playing to ping-pong with my thoughts... And that's just when she's not there.

When she's there it's worse. So much that I almost wish that I was dead. Everything just goes awry, I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't have control on anything. I can't stand losing control. My life needs control, it needs order. But lately it seems that everything is upside down; so much that I can't grab anything to hold on or give directions. So I bury myself into work because it gives me the feeling to control something.

The reason? Sara. Or more precisely my feelings for Sara. At some point I thought that those were just temporary, that I was only having a big crush. What a slap in the face to feel this things growing in me a little more everyday, being powerful and hurtful a little more everyday. I've never felt that before. So I kept on asking myself : are those feelings powerful just because of the fact that can't be with her or are they real?

But it appeared that they are just that: real. So is the pain I'm currently living through. Love is a perverse feeling while melted with friendship. My friendship with Sara makes me feel complete, really. But because of my love for her it's like there was a tiny missing part, tiny yet so big. Even bigger considering that I have found the missing part – Sara is that missing part, but I have to live with the knowledge that I won't ever get it.

When I say she's the missing part of my life my heart isn't the only one to speak, my reason is speaking too. She's loyal, generous, devoted, fun, attentive, honest, simple, uncompromising, trustful, stubborn, spontaneous, clumsy, responsible, sensitive, shy, and protective and that's just the tip of the iceberg. She's there for me, Nancy and Jeremy and Lindsey. There's some times where she watches over Jeremy and Lindsey so Nancy and I can have a break or when neither of us can make it because of our job. She's really there for them, sometimes the three of them go out doing something fun but yet educational, they make experiments – my favorite is the one where they've turned Nancy into a chicken... They talk a lot, they are close friends. She help them with their homework, she's their ally when they think we – their moms – can't understand them, she let them vent their anger, their worries and help them to get through it and encourage them to talk to us.

She's there for Nancy whenever Nancy has a problem. She's there for me all the time. She listens to me, she makes me laugh and takes care of me. Lately I've been forced to pull double shifts; twice she surprised me by taking care of Lindsey, of the laundry, of the shopping, of the dinner just so that I only had to relax when I get home. Or there was that other time when she arranged everything so I could spend all my time with Lindsey. Or that time when her and Lindsey cooked me a wonderful dinner and treated me like I was queen no less. Or that time when she made me go out and forget everything after a particularly hard case. Or that time when she stayed at my house a whole day – Nancy and Jeremy were there too, and improvised a mime session – she makes a great interpretation of Nemo. Or the time when she organized a picnic in the park.

She has the faculty to make you feel like you were the center of the world. She always puts you first, no matter when you need her she's there. But she never imposes herself, in fact she always retreats when she thinks she oversteps a line and she waits for your assent to come back. Don't get me wrong I don't say that she's perfect, I mean she has fears and weaknesses and demons, she's human so she makes mistakes, yet as a human being she's a catch.

And the way she takes care of my daughter is just great. She always says that she's not good with kids, and sometimes she's clumsy but generally speaking she has a good intuition and she's really great with them, because she tries really hard to make her best. My daughter is happy again, truly happy since Eddie's death. She hasn't as much anger in her as she used to, if it's partly due to the fact that I'm more around and that we tied up again our relationship, it's also thanks to Sara. At the beginning of all this I was an idiot because I thought that Sara was harmful for Lindsey, but Nancy was right Sara's good for her.

Sara completes the balance of Lindsey's life – something that Eddie never did. Eddie loved Lindsey there's no doubt about it but for him being a parent was a part-time job, and that means only having fun but it didn't imply taking care of the rest – the school, the skinned knees, the arguments, the crises and so on. But Sara does fit in the job – the entire job, she does it because she genuinely cares. She doesn't try to replace Eddie, but the devotion she displays fit his part. I don't ask her anything but I know that I can count on her when it comes to Lindsey. I know that Lindsey now enjoys her life as it is, that she can live her life like a twelve year old little girl, without any worries.

So now I can say that I have a united family.

And that's why my feelings for her hurt so much, because she's a part of this family, but I want her to stay a part of it for the future. I want her to be an official member of it not just and appendage of it.

What use to make me feel like a love struck teenager, is making me sad because the more time pass and the more it's hard for me to realize that she won't be with me as I want her to. Because now everything she's offering me is not enough, I want more. What used to make me feel young is killing me slowly like a poison.

I feel like Sisyphus, he was condemned to roll a rock up a hill only to see it rolling back down every time or Prometheus who was condemned to have his liver eat by a bird of prey and see his liver growing again only to be eaten again and again. It's the same with Sara; I'm condemned to have good time with her, time where I think she's in my life for good, where I'm truly happy. But every time she goes back to her home the dream ends, I wake up and realize that she's just my friend, and I'm sad all over again. And I have to live this again and again. It's like my heart was ripped out of my chest over and over again.

And I know this won't end. It's a sick cycle, it hurts me but on the other hand it's the most I can get and just because of this I'll endure it silently. I know it's not like me, that I've always taken what I wanted because I know that life is too short. Like I say 'never doubt, never look back'. But this time it's different. I could tell Sara what I feel for her, I know that in spite of the surprise she won't turn her back on me – I mean she'll stay my friend, but there will be something broken. She will put a wall between us, and if we'll stay close, it won't be the same. And I can't risk that, not now that I know the real her, not now that I'm as close as a friend can be, I couldn't stand it if we took a step back, as insignificant as this step could be. So this time I won't risk everything, because what I have is precious.

Besides, how could she love me? How could she trust me completely with her heart? With everything I've told her, with all the pain I've put her through? Actually feel I lucky that we manage to get that far. I'd give anything right now just to erase the board and make it blank again, this way maybe I'll get a chance. I mean I don't really know if she would be ok for a relationship with another woman, but sometimes I got the feeling that she flirts with me. I remember clearly – and rather vividly – the moment in the park, when we played to hide and seek. And there has been other moments where there was this awkward sensation. Maybe she doesn't realize it. Well I do.

The worse, because it can be worse – though I think that I'm already in a pretty bad place, is that she's a touchy person. In fact, when she's relaxed and she trust the person she's with, she's touchy, she's even more touchy that I am. She can gives you so much tenderness with the most simple touch. Lately, since my feelings increased, her touch is burning me every time. It's getting harder to hide what I feel, because I've started to wear my heart on my sleeves recently.

I'm in my own personal hell. I think that this Love will be the end of me.

"Cath?" I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder. It shakes me out of my meditation. "You ok?"

"Uh... What? Sorry what did you say?" I stammers.

Warrick is in front of me with a really concerned look. "You were spacing out again. Cath are you ok?" He repeats.

"Yeah I'm fine" I answer automatically.

Then I feel his hand cupping my cheek and he looks more worried. "You're crying."

"What?" I pull away from his touch and put my hands on my cheeks and find them wet. Crap. Oh, did I mention that I was almost constantly on the verge of tears or crying because of my 'disease'? "Oh. I'm fine don't worry. I'm just tired, and this case is wearing me out so... I guess my nerves needed a break, I'd say."

"You know that I'm here if you want to talk." He reminds me gently.

"Yeah I know, but I told you, I'm fine. Don't worry."

"You're spacing out a lot lately." He states.

"There's a lot to think about."

"Is everything fine with Lindsey?"

"Yeah everything is good, it's even better than it used to be. We talk more, we scream less." I smile slightly. He keeps on looking a me, I know that he knows that something is bothering me. I know that he won't push me, but I know that he wants me to talk about it. "You wanted something by the way?" I close the topic. I can see that he's a little hurt by my retreat but he doesn't say anything.

"Yeah, we have a lead so..."

"Ok, let's go then." I stand up and pass him by but he stays behind and I can feel his concerned gaze still on me. I turn around and smile "I'm serious Rick, there's nothing to worry about. " He nods. "Thanks for asking though."

"Alright. You know where to find me otherwise." He says. As he's about to pass the door I hug him briefly.

"I know, don't worry." I let go and I see a smile on his face. "Let's go."

"After you."


	27. Chapter 27

**Like I said, I've got like a revelation and I couldn't stop writing so here's a bonus chapter. I like doing things properly so I thought kicking Grissom's ass was in order - you know to sort things out first...Anyway... ;)

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Chapter 27: Sara **

"I beg your pardon?" Grissom says.

"I think we need to talk about us." I repeat

Right now, Grissom is looking like a trapped animal, as I just said the forbidden word: us. How weird is that? Him and I have never been together, yet there is an 'us'. This tiny little word hides a huge graveyard where our feelings have been left rotting. Those feeling are just like a lot of corpses, we haven't buried them and that's a bad thing, a big mistake even. When a body isn't buried, it's exposed to elements so right now let's just say that it's like being at a crime scene processing a thousand decomps – not the most appealing thing, trust me. The fact is that those feelings are more like living-dead, because they're haunting me. I need to bury them once for all if I want to move on. So here I am with my shovel ready to bury each of them.

"Sara..."

"No. Before you start to misunderstand me, I know we are friends, and that is more than fine by me. I'm not here to ask you out again. I'm here because I need answers... answers about us."

There's no way we're playing at 'ignore the fluo pink elephant in the room' today. I want to clear the air, I need to. I know that I'm panicked. As a matter of fact I'm probably out of my mind, but questions have been eating my brain out and I need answers because I can't take it anymore.

"Sara I don't think it's a good idea." He dismisses me a first time.

"Was there something between us or did I imagine it all?" I won't let him avoid this.

"I really don't want to talk about it." He dismisses me a second time.

I hold my position "Was there something or not? Answer me." My voice is neutral.

He sighs. He doesn't say anything; we both know the meaning of his muteness. "I think you should go." Here we go for a third rejection.

"Here we go again, you don't face the problem as long as you keep yourself in safety." I snort, I feel anger traveling on my vein, we will have this conversation no matter what it cost. "It has always pissed me off. Your ability to be oblivious of any other human being but yourself and..."

"I want you to leave Sara." He says firmly, effectively putting a end to this, but I won't let him take the lead, not this time.

"No Grissom I won't go." My tone is sharp but my voice is even. I tried to do it the easy way, I laid everything in front of him so he didn't have to do anything. He didn't comply. Fine let's do this the hard way, if being harsh is the only way to make him act like a grown up, that's fine by me. Try this one for size my friend. "I won't go until we get through this. I don't care if it takes hours, days, months even but we will get through this."

He's stunned by my little out burst, he just stares at me in disbelief. I think it's time for hell to break loose "We've been involved in this thing... this... this huge thing that we can legitimately call a big mess. We're out of this and it's not thanks to you. Trust me when I say that I don't need or wand to get back in it." I take a deep breath to keep my head from bursting. There's so many things to say.

He's just standing there not saying a word, with this look of the naive guy who doesn't understand what's going on, and somewhere it just sends a new wave of anger through me.

"We've been both involved into this and yet you've acted like you were the only one. I was the only one exposed, I had to take all the blows with clenched teeth, I had to lose a lot of things, I had to let you put me down while you preserved yourself from everything. I asked you out, and I've let you know what I felt, that's it for my part into this. I've made a mistake, because all the time you had all the cards in your hands, all this time you've been the one who pulled the strings. All this time you kept yourself safe while you literally flayed me alive. But it didn't matter what you put me through as long as you were in control, right?" My words are full of venom, but I've just start to remove the cancer so my anger is free to flow.

There's so much tension in me that I shake a little and my fists are balled up tightly. I'm a ticking bomb, a bad move and I explode.

"It's time to reverse the parts." I continue "It's time for you to take the blows while I pull the strings. We should have had this conversation a long time ago, it would have spare us – especially me – a lot of troubles. I want answers, I want closure... I need this." I give him a death glare but then start to pace a little to calm down a bit. "You claim to be there for me if I need anything... I need answers. It's the least I deserve from you." My voice is steady again, but rage makes me panting.

All this bitterness and hurt I've been bottling up inside is now oozing from me. I have to drain all those things that are pressing onto my heart because I need to move on, so I need to understand what happened. This conversation will be painful for both of us, there's no doubt about it but we both need this – even if Grissom won't admit it.

"You're wrong you don't deserve them." He says calmly. He sighs resigned "I owe them to you." He averts his eyes and sighs again. "Do you mind if we sit? Because this is going to take a while."

He's sit on the couch, while I'm on a chair in front of him. Since he doesn't seem like he was going to speak anytime soon I decide to take the lead of this conversation.

"You didn't answer me. Was there something between us or not?"

"You already know that the answer is yes." He states.

"Grissom we're not going to play guessing games. I want clear answers, I want to have this conversation properly once for all, this way we won't have to get back on this. So please bear with me." I say with a hint of anger.

"Yes Sara, there was something. Happy?" He says like a petulant child.

"What did you feel for me?"

"Please Sara..." He sighs

"No, answer the question."

"Why are you doing this?" He avoids my question once more.

"Because I need closure, because I need to clear the air, because we never talked about it? Pick the one you fancy the most." I say sarcastically. "So what did you feel?" I'm not taking pleasure into torturing him like that but we have to start somewhere and the beginning seems like a good point.

"Sara what do you want me to say? How about you uh? What did you feel ?"

"I was in love with you Grissom." I say coldly. I don't know if he's surprised because I've answer or because of my answer itself. "Let's call things by their names. I want honesty and I won't beat around the bush. So again I repeat what did you feel?"

He looks at me for a moment and then turn his head to face a wall. He doesn't say anything and it really starts to get onto my nerves. "Grissom" I call him back to reality.

"Fine I was in love with you too, I still am and still will be. That's honest enough for you?" He spits angrily.

I feel my head spin, I knew this would be painful but I didn't expect it to be like this. I'm suddenly mad at him for admitting to still have feelings for me. Why now?

"Are you taking some twisted pleasure messing with me?" I stand.

"You asked for it, Sara." He says exasperatedly.

"NO! I asked about what you felt before! Why telling me that you still have feelings for me? I can't believe you!"

"You want honesty, I'll give you honesty. I never ask to have this conversation, you did. You came to me, so assume it. Otherwise you're free to leave." He says calmly but his look betrays his cool and detached demeanor.

"You're making it complicated on purpose! Why confessing me now that you still have feelings while we're supposed to be nothing but friends?!" I'm pacing like a fury animal.

"Sara, we've been there already, I never crossed the line, never. I made a mistake though, I stepped on it hence me acting like an ass, hence me hurting you. But the fact is that I never crossed it before. I definitely won't cross it now. Not when we've managed to be friends again,. I'd rather have you as a friend than not at all. I'm good at being your friend and I won't ever be more." He sighs "I'm admitting my feelings for you because there is no risk, because I'm too late, and because we both know that we will never be more than friends."

Point taken. Still it does hurt. My mind wanders off a bit. Then I'm focusing on him again.

"Why?" I just ask. He looks confused. "Why you never crossed the line?"

"Because I'm a coward."

It's a simple answer. But it's too simple at my taste. He understands it as I stare at him silently.

"I wasn't enough for you?" I say flatly.

"Sara you weren't just enough, you were too much. I never understood why a woman like you would want a man like me. I know that it's cliché but it's true. You're beautiful, brilliant... young..."

"Do you really think that age was a matter?" I ask forcefully.

"Maybe not for you Sara but it was for me. I didn't mind you being young, I did mind me being old."

"I've heard what you said to Lury during his interview." I confess him.

"Debbie Marlin case." He whispers. "I... don't know what to say..."

"I've been waiting for you for years, I've been holding my breath waiting for you to take the risk. That was a pretty lousy way to learn that you don't worth a career, that what you've been expecting for years won't ever come." I chuckle dryly "I've been suffering for years waiting for you. Do you really think I would have turn my back on you in a slap of fingers? You could have given me a little credit. You could have trust my feelings." I blame him.

"I never doubt your feelings Sara. I trusted you, but I couldn't help it. Those fears were consuming me. I'm not saying that you would have done such a thing to me, I'm just saying that I would have always feared it. I really loved you but I couldn't overcome those fears. So yes I'm a coward and I'll have to live with this regret until the end. But it's a choice that I've made."

Hearing it coming from him doesn't make it easier. But strangely I don't feel anger anymore. Somewhere I almost feel relieved.

"How did you come to that choice?"

"I asked myself if I really wanted to take this risk or not... I couldn't take that risk like I said. Because you were too precious, you still are. Being with you could have been great, I'm sure it would. But I couldn't have coped with the pain if we'd broken up. I've loved in my life and I've known heartbreaks but it was nothing compared to what you made me feel and what you could have put me through. With you I would have always been in the dark, in the fear of what could bring tomorrow. I can take this risk with anyone else, but with you I can't, because no one confuses me the way you do or puts me out of my depth the way you do, because you've found your way under my skin, because you are too precious and special." He sighs with a deep sadness. "I'm sorry for all the hurt, I'm sorry for being a coward."

So that's it then. That's all there was to say. I think I understand his fears. I really do. When I think of all the bad things that came out from our feelings I'm a bit sad. So many things have been ruined for nothing. What a cruel irony, to love someone who loves you back but not being able to live this love. Maybe nothing was mean to happen between us. Maybe the best part was the fantasies, the visions of that love. We'll never know I guess.

I feel drained. We've buried our dead and now there's a big empty part. Not that it's a bad thing but it's a big thing. I feel relieved and sad and glad and peaceful and confused and agitated... I think I'll need some days to completely swallow the pill. So does Grissom. I know that he really made an effort. Usually he would just ignore the problem and move on because he's very protective of his feelings. We're much alike him and I on that point.

"Maybe I needed that conversation after all." He admits. "I hope we are still friends. I was honest when I said that I'd rather have you as a friend than not at all. I love our friendship, it makes me happy."

"It makes me happy too." I take a deep breath and walk to him. He stands from the couch and faces me. He's a little apprehensive as for what I'm about to do.

I hug him tightly. He's tensed at first but then he relaxes in my embrace. My heart is lighter than when I came in. I pull away but don't break the contact. I take his face in my hands and leave a gentle kiss on his lips. There's no electricity like I've always thought it would be, no butterflies raging in my stomach, just tenderness.

"Thank you." I whisper. I can see sadness in his eyes but also a hint of relief. We finally got through this.

He hugs me and kisses me on the cheek and then lets me go completely. "You're welcome." I answers with a gentle smile.

I sigh deeply. We've just turned a page and taken a huge step forward. "I have to go. See you at work."

"Yeah."

With that I leave his house with the answers I wanted. I still have a lot to think about but now I don't feel like I had a blindfold over my eyes anymore.

xxxxx

I'm lying on my bed staring at the ceiling. I'm thinking about my conversation with Grissom. I came to compared the situation we were in, to the situation with Catherine. At first I thought it was the same. But looking closer I know I've been wrong. With Grissom it was simple, complicated but simple. He knew what I felt, I knew what he felt, the decision was his, it didn't work out. But the fact is that we both knew all the factors of the operation.

With Catherine, I swim in the fog so to speak. It's only complicated. I don't know what she feels. And that's a big difference. With Grissom there wasn't a real risk because it could have work if Grissom had made a different choice, somewhere it was a done deal. With Catherine, there is an unknown factor so the line to cross seems bigger.

But what Nancy told me is there too. Grissom asks himself this question : do I want to take this risk or not? So did I at first. So it's like the story was repeating itself. Except that I'm Grissom and Catherine is me. I have the same reasoning as Grissom, and look where it led us – Grissom and I, I mean. So maybe Nancy is right. Maybe it's not the good question. And if it is not the good question then all the factors are wrong. If Grissom had asked himself the good question, maybe it would be different today, maybe not.

Let's process in order. What do I know?

I'm sure of my feelings for Catherine. I have to say that my feelings for her are even more powerful than those I had for Grissom – and that's saying something because my feelings for Grissom have literally burnt me. I could tell you the exact day those feelings have started to consume me, it was during Eddie's case. She took a go at me – nothing new there – about me not doing my job. I felt like she bled me dry at this moment, she insulted me and my skills as an investigator.

Never before, I felt my blood turning into acid like at that moment. She gave me that look, it was a mix of pure anger and despise and as crazy as it sounds I felt like I was sucked up into the depth of this look. After the fight, the sting was so vivid that I asked myself why it was hurting me so much – because her and I weren't at our first argument. That's where it all started. But back then Grissom was still a part of the picture. Then the year that followed Grissom achieved me for good and I have to say that she was the one who brought me back to life even if she doesn't know it. Even if our fights got worse my feeling for her grew and the roots of this love have been digging themselves into my heart and soul ever since.

So I've no doubt about my feelings, I've got her under my skin, it's as simple as that.

Ok. What else? I know I don't want me and Catherine to end up where Grissom and I ended up, in the middle of nowhere with nothing but hurt as companion. I'm grateful that him and I are still friend but it has been a long way to go back in the light, and there has been to much losses.

Then I wonder: what do I have to offer? Love, there's no doubt about it. But then what? Love is good but it can't be enough, not in real life at least. Not totally. What if I'm not enough? What if it doesn't work? What if my feelings were just fed with fantasies and I realized that I don't really want the real thing? I'm sure of my feelings, I know that this is what I want. I've never felt like that and I know it's different from a crush. I want a relationship not a one night stand.

But what do I have to bring into this relationship except my love? I know myself and I'm pretty messed up. So let's say that she feels the same and that we start a relationship, once she'll find out the whole story about me – because she doesn't know all the parts yet – there's no chance she'll want me in her life again. So, can I just take what I can get even if it means that it won't last or do I take the coward path and don't take the risk at all?

A friend of mine told me once that the unit of value of happiness wasn't the time. Yeah, I know it doesn't mean much, and I have to say that when he told me that I was a little confused myself. He had a theory in fact, I think it was something like this: no matter if you're happy for a second or for years as long as you're happy; life is too short and 'happily ever after' is more an utopia than a reality; so in the end you should enjoy happiness as it is and not for how long it last, because being happy for a minute is already more than some people ever get; so if you are utterly happy, even if it doesn't last you will always be able to say 'at least I've been happy'. I think this theory was his own conception of 'carpe diem'.

I wonder if he was right. I know that I want Catherine for a long run, that I honestly hope that there will never be anyone after her. But even I can predict the future and it's a fact, everything that starts, ends one day or another – in a good or a bad way. Catherine and I could have something great and this thing could last or it could end a few hours after it had started. Who knows? Yet I would taste happiness in both cases, so maybe he was right, maybe I should enjoy what I can get without worrying about what I would feel when I lost it.

But all this, all those theories would mean that I've taken the risk of exposing my feelings in first place. I'm back to square one. Now I guess the only thing I really have to find is: THE answer.

Is it a risk that worth being taken or not?

Good question.

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**Ok, thanks for bearing with me so far, you're awesome and soon your patience will be reward I promise. And know that I'm good person and I always keep my word. :)**

**Thanks for reading ;)**

**So**


	28. Chapter 28

**Thanks for the reviews, it probably is the best thing happening to me today. I've had a bad day, not just a bad day. The kind of bad day you have once every 36th of the month where everything goes wrong from the moment you open your eyes until you go to bed again...anyway sorry for the rambling but it's really pissing me off. Anyway here two more chapters...**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

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Chapter 28: Catherine**

I open my eyes and stare at my ceiling. I'm almost sure that I haven't slept more than an hour or two as usual lately. It's harder everyday, but I think I can't get deeper into the sadness. So somewhere it's a positive thing. Lately I'm asking myself why I quit smoking, at least I would be able to ease my nerves a little. But then again if I give into an addiction, who knows how far I could go?... I need to do something.

I get up and go into the living room, I turn up the TV and watch stupid shows. At least when I do that I don't think and that's a good thing.

Lindsey has noticed something, even though I've tried my best not to break down in front of her. I told her I was tired and she's been kind enough to act like she bought it. Nancy on the other hand have been a little more pushy but I had an excuse, I've been putting double shifts on double shifts with particularly gruesome cases so I told her that work was wearing me out. And my actual state of mind is partly due to my physical tiredness. And it's true that lately work has been hard. But it's not the only reason.

I talk about everything with my sister, yet there's some topics I never come across with her. Dating women is one of them. She knows that I've dated a woman before, but that's it. And honestly we didn't talk about it at the time, she didn't question me but I didn't ask her if she was really ok with it. We could have had this conversation, but at some point it's something I kept for myself. She just warned me about not disturbing Lindsey and then the topic was closed. Anyway, it's different now. I mean, she knows Sara – they're friends even, and I don't feel like pouring my heart out about Sara, because she wouldn't be neutral or worse she could be against – not that it would change anything.

So I'm alone with this. Poor me.

I get to the kitchen to have a glass of milk. As I turn to the refrigerator I see the pictures pinned on it, family pictures. Pictures with Sara, everyone seems so happy. Little moments stole in time, moments where she was a real member of the family not just a friend of the family. There are pictures of Sara chasing Lindsey, pictures of Lindsey chasing Sara, picture of them with Jeremy and Nancy laughing at something. Then there's a picture with Sara, Lindsey and me, Sara and Lindsey are tickling me. There's so much life into those picture and I feel like I was almost dead. It's like those pictures were from another time. It just depresses me to look at those pictures so I go back to the living room.

I turn the TV off and go back to bed. I lay on my covers and stare at the ceiling, again. I have to find a way to get Sara out of my head, out of my system, out of me. It's insane to fantasize about something you'll never get. No, I'm not pessimistic, I'm realistic which is different. I know that in spite of my effort I can't totally hide my feelings. Sara though, doesn't notice it or if she does her demeanor is clear enough to let me know that it won't happen. She's distant, she's nervous, she's not at ease and she's less touchy. But I think she hasn't noticed it.

It amazes me how such a good investigator like her can be so clueless when it comes to people. Even more when it's right in front of her. I know she isn't self confident but there are some limits. I think she has such a low self esteem that she can't even conceive that someone can possibly have feeling for her, not naturally. Of course she will notice it if you tell her, she would be skeptical at first but then she would admit the possibility.

I honestly can't be more obvious. I mean how can you not see someone literally dying of love for you? Didn't she notice that I was more and more seeking for physical touch or that I was looking for excuses to make her stay home all day or that I was drooling over her most of the time? I feel like I was literally bleeding to death in front of her and waiting for her to notice that something is going on. And right now I've come to the conclusion that I can bleed myself dry because she won't ever notice me.

I need to get over this because at some point it's going to corrupt our friendship. I can't let that happen.

I need to do something.

xxxxx

Lindsey, Sara and I are in the kitchen having breakfast. It's a recurrent scene, almost a routine, almost because it's not boring – it never is – as a routine. Sara and I have picked Lindsey up at Nancy earlier – usually we would have simply take her to school but she hasn't class today so we have breakfast together.

Sara and Lindsey are talking animatedly about something. I couldn't – even if my life depended on it – tell you what they're talking about since I'm not paying attention, Sara's presence generally kills my focus.

Right now, it's like my mind was split in two. On one side I'm thinking about how beautiful I find Sara at this very moment – though she's wearing all signs of tiredness on her face, she has bags under her eyes, she's a little pale, yet her smile is like a glimpse of life. I'm thinking about how much I love this picture, the three of us having breakfast. I'm thinking about how Sara makes Lindsey laugh, how she makes Lindsey happy – she's just given her a beautiful edition of 'Frankenstein' with a leather cover and all; apparently it's Lindsey's favorite book of the moment and you should have seen the look on Lindsey's face; it was the one she has on Christmas day, the one which sparkles brightly, the one of pure joy. I'm thinking about how much I'd like to kiss Sara right now or just take her hand and entwine her fingers with mine.

On the other side – the dark one – I'm thinking about the fact that this moment won't last, that it's just ephemeral. I'm thinking about the moment where she'll have to go. I'm thinking about the emptiness she will left behind her without noticing it. I'm thinking about how I shouldn't fantasize about her like that. I'm thinking about all the depressing things that have been eating me alive during those last weeks.

Suddenly I feel my hand getting warm, when I look at it there's Sara's hand resting on it. I lift my head up to meet those expressive eyes and a gentle smile.

"Are you ok?" She asks softly.

It's weird, I feel like her voice was really far away. I can feel her thumb caressing my hand – hand which is about to burn badly because of the heat from the touch. I shake myself back into reality, I tighten the hold on her hand a little just to assure myself that it's really there in mine.

"Yeah sure." I say absentmindly.

"You seemed... Far away." She still doesn't let my hand go.

"I was... I'm a little tired." I say with the most convincing tone I can manage.

For a moment she sizes my answer and scrutinizes me intently, I avert my eyes quickly. She squeezes my hand and then let it go. The feeling of loss is painful. My hand passed from overheated to frozen, it's like she had given life to something inside me and killed it almost instantly.

That simple touch was enough to make my heart beats faster. It was enough to make me want to cry, again.

xxxxx

Sara 'ordered' me to relax on the couch while she's cleaning the kitchen. Lindsey went in her room to read and I'm just sitting there staring at a turned off TV. It's funny, it's like everything was normal, like the domestic things were always like that. In times like these I taste what it would be like to have someone to share the burden of life with me. I taste what it would be like not to be a single mother.

I have to stop this kind of thoughts because they're just depressing.

xxxxx

There's something soft caressing my forehead. I crack my eyes open to discover a caring Sara above me. I must have drifted into sleep without noticing it.

"Come on, I'll put you to bed." She whispers.

Then I feel myself being lifted from the couch. All I know is that I'm in Sara's arms, I lean my head against her shoulder and lace my arms behind her neck still dozing. She leads me to my bedroom and puts me on my bed gently. Then she starts to go but I don't wan her to.

"Stay... Don't go" I mumble.

"Uh..."

"Please Sara" I repeat and manage to open my eyes a little.

"Ok." She whispers.

She kicks off her shoes and lay back next to me. I snuggle against her and drift back into sleep as soon as I feel her arm on my back, and her lips brushing my head.

xxxxx

I wake up at the peaceful and steady rhythm of her breathing, at sound of her soothing heartbeat; I loved that sound since the first time I laid in her arms. I loved this spot, right in the safety of her arms and on her heart.

I contemplate this moment silently. It's just perfect. And for a moment it's real. For a moment it's like I was with her, for a moment it's like we were an 'us' and not just a 'she and me'. I snuggle closer as if to crawl under her skin, as if to imprint her body into mine. I stay like this for several minutes just enjoying the perfection of the moment.

She shifts and wakes up but doesn't push me away. She looks at me with a sleepy face and a lazy grin.

"Hey you." She says with a hoarse voice.

"Hey yourself." I whisper.

"Did you sleep good?"

"Yeah."

"Me too." She simply says.

Then she lays her head back into the pillow and put her other arm on her eyes. I mimic her and resume my position on her. For a moment I think she got back to sleep but she starts to make lazy circles on my back and as pleasurable as this is, it's a pure torture.

"Cath?"

"Yeah" My voice is hollow as I try to keep my senses in check.

"I have to go home." She announces. And without knowing it she just dropped a bomb into my heart.

"I know."

"I don't want to move, I feel good there."

"Me too" And you just have no idea how much.

She stays silent again, and keeps on caressing my back. Then she sighs heavily, and stop the motion of her hand.

"I really have to go." She says.

She kisses my forehead gently and props herself up, out of my embrace. She sits on the bed and puts her shoes back on. I feel like my heart was smashed against a wall. I don't know what to do with myself so I just look at her.

We get out of my bedroom and head to the living room. Lindsey's lying on the couch reading. Sara just bends down wordlessly and kiss her head and caressing her hair.

"Bye Cake."

"Bye Sara, and thanks for the book, it's awesome." Lindsey replies grinning.

"You're welcome."

Sara grabs her coat and then goes to the door. She stops right in front of it and turns herself to face me. She hugs me as usually but I can't tell you why I feel like this hug was different. She pulls back kisses my forehead, and caressing my cheek softly. She holds my gaze for a moment.

"Thanks for the breakfast and the nap." She grins. "Bye."

And then she's gone. Suddenly I feel lifeless.

I turn around and see Lindsey looking at me oddly, I think she's smiling slightly, then she resumes to her reading.

I go back to bed. I lay down and it's still warm, the scent of Sara has lingered there has well. I grab the pillow she laid on and hold it to my chest. Here we go again, I'm weeping. Great.

I really need to put an end to this.

In a week Lindsey will be gone for five days – school trip. I'm so not looking forward to it. Because it means five days on my own, five days being totally depressed. At least when Lindsey is there I got love and care and during all those precious moments my unrequited love for Sara isn't killing me. But if she's not there I'll hit the bottom.

If she's not there it means I'll be having breakfast and lunch on my own with Sara. I just can't handle this. I can't handle anything more for that matter, being forced to look at what I'll never have is killing me.

I really need to put an end to this.

I'm emotionally worn out. I can't take it anymore. And I'm truly, painfully sad. I feel empty and incomplete. A part of me is dying because a part of me is missing. Sometimes I wish we never got friends, real friends. At least when we were all bitchy around each other, it was easy and painless. Well relatively painless.

I've made up my mind. I'll put an end to this.

I mean I'm stuck. I know she bought the 'tiredness excuse' the two first times and then she didn't push and wait for me to come to her. I didn't and now she has suspicions – I would have been worried about her observation skills otherwise. And I can't deal with powerful emotions. Soon she will be asking questions and without wanting it, I will hurt her and reject her. It's fate.

I mean look at our record. The first time was during Eddie's case, I tore her apart. Then there's been the day I learnt about her and Lindsey. Ditto. Then there's been the day when she was having a break while Lindsey had ran away. Ditto. And last, there has been the 'Greg' argument. All those times I was feeling strong emotions, all those times it ended up badly. So I know it won't be different now, because that's the way I am. I screw things up when I don't know how to deal with it. And it's a little late to change, isn't it?

So soon or later I will push her away and we know what it means, she made it clear the last time. So I'm about to lose her in any way – just that thought makes my heart tighten.

If you ask me why I asked her to stay, why I wanted to sleep in her arms when I'm about to blow it, why I've inflicted such a thing to myself. Well, know that it's not out of a masochistic pleasure. I'm about to lose her, so for a last time I wanted to pretend that everything was like I'd like it to be. For the last time I wanted to taste what I won't ever have, just so that I'll have some memories just for myself, literally carved into my heart.

When I was in her arms for a precious moment I was happy, I felt good. For a moment there was just us.

You know it's the kind of thought that you keep in your Eden garden. The kind of thought that makes you forget your worries even if it's for a few seconds. I have a few memories like that. The oldest one is with Eddie. I was teaching him to dance – my feet remember it rather vividly, and at some point we ended up on the floor and we laugh hard for a long time. Then he just stared at me with a serious face but with a loving gaze and he proposed me. It was the only and the most beautiful declaration he ever made to me. It wasn't a sophisticated declaration but it was from him and it just swept me away with happiness.

Then there's day I gave birth to Lindsey, the most painful thing yet as soon as I had her in my arms, my heart burst and I was in love again and I was utterly happy. The world just faded away. And then there's the day she first walked, the day she first talked, the day she first told me 'I love you mommy'.

There's a few others that are kept preciously into my heart. And now, me sleeping into Sara's arms is the new one.

One week to go before it ends, so I'm going to enjoy every bit of it and stop moping around because I have a lot of memories to make.


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29: Sara**

I slept with Catherine, literally speaking – I mean without any sexual connotation. It was good to say the least, and for a moment I wish it was a daily scene. Waking up with her in my arms. It was peaceful and for a moment the world vanished.

I've come to a solution to my emotional problem. I've stopped thinking about it. It was just killing me, so I thought that if I didn't go to the answer it will come to me. Honestly thinking about it just kept me from truly enjoying my moments with Catherine, but now everything is for the best.

Well almost at least. I think she's not feeling good lately. She tries to hide it but it is blatant. I know tiredness is not all. And from what I've seen Cake has picked upon something too. Yet she doesn't talk about it, every time I ask her she just says that she's tired. I don't push her, I just let her know that I'm here. But that doesn't keep me from worrying.

Whatever is going on, it's bothering her very much. And the worse is that it starts to show. I mean she looked tired, worn out even, she has a dull look most of the time and what really bothers me is the fact that she's been losing weight. I know that she barely eat when I'm there. So I thought about the possible explanations but nothing conclusive came. I only have speculations.

What if she was gravely ill and she doesn't want to say it. What if she has a big problem? What if, what if...

That's all I got. A lot of 'what if' but no answers. So I just worry myself on my own. But I think, I'll try to make her talk soon because I can't stand to see her like that.

xxxxx

It's weird really. Yesterday Catherine seemed far away, lost in her own galaxy and today it's like she was a different person. She's joyful again. It's too good to be true if you want my opinion. I feel that she's hiding herself by faking being good. I don't call her on it though.

Today we've made shopping for Cake. She's going in a school trip for a week, in five days now. She excited about it, she just can't stop talking about it. Catherine was enthusiastic but there were moments, when she was left in her in devices where she looked incredibly sad.

I'm not pushy but when I see her like that I feel bad for not being able to help her.

xxxxx

"Damn! There's nothing left in the fridge." I hear Catherine exclaiming from the kitchen.

Cake and I are on the living room doing her math. We didn't lunch together so I stay for dinner. Catherine has been turning around like a fury animal all the afternoon. She looked angsty and nervous. I asked her twice if everything was ok but she dismissed me with her usual excuse, tiredness.

"I'm going to the grocery store, I'll be back soon." She says.

Before I could propose myself she kisses Cake's forehead, telling her she loves her, pats my shoulder and she's gone. If I didn't know better I'd say she was fleeing. I turn to Cake who is staring at the door gravely.

"Something's wrong." She states. "Something's wrong with mom." She pauses and turns to me as if she just realized I was still there. "I know you noticed it."

"I did."

"When I see her like that I don't want to go to the school trip, because at least when she's not alone she's almost fine." She looks away, I think she's on verge of tears. "I'll be gone for five whole days, who's going to watch over her?"

"I will, Cake. I will. Look I know you're worried and so am I, but lately work has been wearing her out. She'll be fine again soon." I try, not that I'm convinced myself but there's no need to worry her even more.

"Please,work?" She says, giving me a look that say 'I'm not a baby anymore'. She sighs "I know your job can be hard and exhausting but... I know she's not just tired... I think she's sad too."

I don't say anything. There's no way I'll lie to her. Me too, I think Catherine is sad. Me too, I'm worried about her.

"She's crying a lot lately. She thinks I don't know it but I do. Once Nancy took me back from school and I found her in her bedroom crying hard, so hard she didn't even noticed me. I didn't know what to do so I got back to the living room and made noise for her to know I was back home, she got to the bathroom and five minutes later it was as if nothing happened. Sometimes she starts crying for nothing, but then she stops and tells me everything is fine that she's just tired."

My opinion? I think Catherine is depressed. Not a good place to be. It's like being stuck in quick sand, the more you try to get out of it the more you drown. On the other hand if no one comes to help you, you're toasted.

"It was worse the other day after you left. I couldn't stand it so I went to soothe her but... I think I made it worse because her sobs increased..." She trails off and I can see tears watering her eyes.

"Cake trust me, it wasn't because of you." I take a deep breath. "It isn't because of you, ok?" She nods and I take her in my arms.

She let it all go for a moment and I can feel her tears dumping my shirt. I just hold her and don't say anything. Then she takes a deep breath and pulls back.

"Listen, I know you're worried but you're to young to carry so much on your shoulders. I'll take of her and if there's something to fix I'll try to fix it with her. If you want to help her just give her as much love as possible." I say and she nods again. "Don't worry, during your trip she won't be alone I'll be there, I promise. So just try to change your mind out there, enjoy the trip because that's what you're supposed to do."

I'm as worried as Lindsey but I mean it, she shouldn't carry such a burden of worry at her age, she has a few years left to enjoy her childhood. She has already been through a lot, and I think it's more than enough.

About ten minutes later Catherine is back, a little less nervous than before. The three of us cook in a rather good and joking mood. It's funny how I get used to this trivial scenes of domestic life. I mean, each time I'm there it's like this was my life, like I was living here, like this was my family. But every time I get back to my empty apartment I understand that it isn't. And I feel more than lonely.

I'm used to loneliness, but this is different. When I'm at Catherine's there's always sounds, always someone talking or walking around, and even when there's silence, there's never this sensation of void. At Catherine's it's like I was breathing, living. At home it's like I was suffocating, it's dark, cold. Dead.

I think I couldn't take it if I had to lose what I have right now. I'm just talking about the friendship and the stability and the feeling of belonging somewhere. For the first time I feel like I was a part of something. I used to feel like I didn't fit anywhere, but now I've found a place where I want to stay.

xxxxx

"Thanks for coming." Nancy greets me.

"You said the magic words." I replied, entering her house.

"Yeah. And it's true, I could use hugs right now." She says with a little melancholy.

"Come here" Two seconds later she's melting in my arms.

I already told you how amazed I was to see how close Nancy and I become in so little time. And the thing is that our 'hug deal' is maybe the best deal ever. I mean it's good to have someone who listens to you and gives you affection when you need it. I couldn't tell you how many hugs her and I shared but they were numerous. And it's good to have an affective habit, because it provide stability in some kind of way.

It's like our habit of sleeping on the couch together. I don't know it's just… us. It's the characteristic of our friendship. Some share a movie every Sunday, some play chess every Friday afternoon, some share a same interest, us we share hugs and a couch. It's typically us. I can't sleep on a couch with somebody else but Nancy, because somewhere it would feel like a betrayal, I know it doesn't make sense because Nancy and I aren't lovers. But the fact is that this habit of ours is like a secret garden, I mean we have great talks and great moments when we're lying on the couch and it would be different with anybody else and somewhere it would be wrong. It's our thing and I don't want to share it.

"God I needed this." She sighs on my shoulder.

"You're welcome."

We disengaged ourselves from the hug and head to the kitchen. We have a coffee and she explains me why she was in a desperate need for a hug. Then I cheer her up a little and we laugh. Then we share a comfortable silence.

" What about you? How are you?" She asks me after a moment.

"I'm fine." I answer. She just keeps on staring at me softly, waiting for me to elaborate eventually. And I do. "I've sorted a lot of things out lately, so... I'm more serene I think." I pause and try to order my thoughts "I feel like the weight on my shoulders wasn't so heavy anymore. So yes, I think I'm fine."

"Did you think about the one million dollars question?" She asks lightly.

"Yes, I did."

"And?"

"No" I sigh.

"You didn't find the answer yet." She states. I look at her and then avert my eyes.

"No." I repeat. "It is the answer" I add.

For a moment she doesn't say anything just processing the new information I gave her. I look at her and find her expression unreadable.

"Oh" She breathes out.

"Yeah"

We stay silent, each on of us lost in our thoughts.

"You think I'm coward?" I ask.

"No." She smile softly at me "Sara, you're old enough to know what you do, you asked yourself the right question and I'm pretty sure you didn't toss up for answering it. If it's your answer I've no right to judge it. How do you feel about it?"

I'm a little set off balance with her question but still I answer. "I'm fine with it. It's a bit hard but in the end I think I'm fine with it."

"Then everything is good."

xxxxx

Tomorrow is big day, Cake is leaving for a school trip. She asks me to spend the day with her and Catherine, at the beginning I was reluctant, not that I didn't want to but I thought that maybe Catherine would have liked to have a special day just with Cake. You know the kind of mother/daughter exclusive day. But Catherine practically begged me to spend the day with them telling me that first Cake wanted it and then that they already have a lot of privileged days.

So we went to have ice creams, then we went to the arcade and then we hang around on the mall. We had a lot of fun, like always. Then we got back home and we had pizzas while watching movies. And all that on Cake's request.

Now I'm on Catherine couch where I'm supposed to sleep, but today was really great and I feel like I was high. Catherine really seemed to be alright today, well at least better than the other days. If you're wondering why I'm sleeping on her couch it's because Cake wants me to take her to the bus with Catherine tomorrow, so the most useful was to sleep here.

I hear a something moving to the kitchen so I get up and go there too. I light up the kitchen and there's Catherine sitting at the table. She was sitting in the dark, for how long I don't know. She doesn't look good.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you up" She says.

"You didn't, I can't sleep myself."

She gets up and lean against the countertop. I don't know why but I feel like something was wrong. I get close to her and caress her arm gently. She flinches lightly but relaxes immediately.

"Cath?"

"Lindsey's leaving tomorrow." She whispers.

"Yeah but it won't be long. You'll see those five days will run fast." I reassure her.

"I'll be alone." She says absentmindly.

I'm worried because she seems really far away.

"No you won't. I'll be there."

She looks away and suddenly she starts to cry. I gather her in my arms within seconds and she lets it all go.

I don't know how much time we stay like this – honestly I don't care, but at some point her sobs subside. I put my hand on her cheek and wipe off her last tears.

"How about some sleep uh?" I ask gently. She nods. "You want some company?" I add. She looks at me and scrutinizes my eyes a moment and then nods again. "Alright let's go then." I kiss her forehead and take her hand to lead her back to her bedroom.

We settle comfortably and within minutes we drift into sleep.

xxxxx

The alarm clock goes on, I turn it off. Catherine doesn't move though. I decide to let her sleep a bit more and get out off her bed. I go wake Cake up and then I start to prepare the breakfast while Cake takes a shower. Twenty minutes later I go back in Catherine's room. Sit on the bed and caress her face softly.

"Cath, wake up." I say.

She stirs a little at my touch but doesn't wake up. I chuckle softly . I bend down and kiss her head.

"Cath, come on wake up, we have to go." I whisper.

She opens her eyes a little and then takes some second to focus. I smile at her, my hand still caressing her face.

"Good morning sleeping beauty."

"Good morning" She whispers back.

"You have to get up and get ready. I've made the breakfast so take your time for now there's no rush."

She nods and I get out of the room leaving the door open. Cake has finished to get dress and is in the living room watching 'Dexter's laboratory'. Fifteen minutes later Catherine appears, showered and dressed. I go to the bathroom. Then after I'm ready we're having breakfast. Then it's time to go. I go in Cake's room to see if she's ready, while Catherine goes starting the car.

"You have everything?" I ask.

"Yes Sara, I do have everything." Her tone is slightly amused.

"Are you sure, maybe we should check it again."

"Aww... Sara we've checked four times yesterday."

"I thought it was five."

"Yes, I know but I was just counting the times I did it with mom." She says exasperated.

"Ok, ok, fine." I hold my hands in surrender "If you're sure then we better get going."

I take her baggage and she heads to the car. It's funny but for a moment I feel like she was my daughter, silly uh? I mean I feel like it was a normal day in my life not in someone else's life. We get Cake's stuff in the car while Catherine goes in the house checking if everything was in order on last time. She closes the front door and then we're gone.

The drive is relatively short. We get out of the car. Cake and Catherine start to walk to the bus and I lean against the car, leaving them alone for the goodbye. But suddenly Cake is in front of me with a look that makes me feel like a retarded child.

"Uh... Sara what are you doing?" She asks.

"I'm standing by the car?" I try and by her look I can tell it's the wrong answer.

"Sara, it won't vanished, so lock it and hurry up the bus is about to leave."

"Ok" I reply, feeling like I had been scold.

Cake is setting her things in the bus' trunk. Then she gets back to us. We're surrounded all the parents with their children, giving the last advice hugging tightly a last time, some are even crying.

"Ok I'm ready to go." Cake states.

She turns to me and hugs me tightly.

"Bye Sara."

"Bye." I say with a voice full of emotions. I have to say that I didn't expect her to do such a thing. Yet it seems so natural.

"Take care of mom." She whispers in my ear.

"I will, I promise. Have fun"

"I promise" she echoes my words.

Then she lets me go and gives a bone breaking hug to Catherine.

"I'm going to miss you baby." Catherine says.

"I'm going to miss you too mom."

They stay entangled silently until the teachers ask to get in the bus. Cake pulls back and takes her backpack.

"Have fun sweetie" Catherine says.

Cake starts to get in the bus but then she turns to me and hugs me briefly one last time.

"Bye. I love you Sara." Then she kisses my cheek.

Suddenly I feel my heartbeat increase a little as a new feeling invades me. I don't know why but I feel really happy and touched at this moment. «I love you too Cake." I answer with a wide grin.

Cake turns to Catherine and does the same. "I love you mom."

"I love you too baby." Catherine answers, kissing her daughter one last time.

Then Cake goes in the bus, Catherine looks like she was on verge of tears so I put my arm around her shoulder to comfort her. We wave her and then she's gone.

Like I said, I feel like I was like those other parents, like I was waving my kid. It's strange but at the same time, all those little things that make me feel like that, happen so naturally that for a moment I believe that it's real. For a moment I wish it was real.

xxxxx

The drive to Catherine's place is quiet. Once get there, Catherine starts to act strangely. I ask her if she's alright but she doesn't respond to me. I stay with her a moment but she asks me to leave, I comply.

I start to drive away, but I realize that I've let my pager in her house so I drive back. I ring the bell and a crying Catherine opens the door.

"Cath?" I get inside. I try to reach for her to comfort her but she jerks away and goes to the living room. O-kay.

I join her in the living room but she's ignoring me, somewhere I know she's not crying about Lindsey.

"Cath, talk to me, I'm here for you."

"No you're not, that's the point." She snaps

I'm a little taken aback but I stay calm and don't show the hurt.

"I know something has been bothering you. Cath, I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

"I'm sorry Sara." She sighs. "It's just that... Lindsey is gone and I'm a little on the edge."

"I know. But it's not the only reason."

"Sara..."

"No Cath, I'm worried about you. I didn't push you to talk, but it seems to get worse, so please talk to me." I say gently.

"I'm just..."

"Please don't give me the 'tiredness' excuse again, it's lame and we both know it." I chuckle.

I get closer to her and start to move my hand to caress her arm but then something happens.

"Get away from me!" She replies.

I feel like I've been slapped. I don't like this at all.

"You don't understand." She says.

"Then help me to understand."

She starts to pace again, not looking at me. The more she stays silent the fearful I get, I don't like this conversation.

"I want you to get out of here." She says calmly. "I…I _need_ you to get out of here."

"What?... Hold on, tell me what's wrong. Cath please talk to me."

"I don't want to talk... I've tried Sara... But I can't do this anymore... This is too much... It's better if you go..." She stammers. I think that now is a good time to panic.

"Cath what are you talking about?"

"Please get out..." She repeats.

"No. No I won't go."

"Why are you doing this?" She asks me with a little bit of anger.

"Because I care for you!...And because I want to help you!"

"If you want to help me just get out of here!" She spits.

"Don't do this, please don't do this."

"Sara, there's nothing I can do if you're not able to see what's going on!" She's pacing again.

"Well I'm sorry but I really don't know what you're talking about... Please tell me what's wrong." I try to keep my voice even.

"You want to know what the problem is? It's you, Sara. You're the problem."

I feel dizzy and a wave of nausea starts to fuel through me.

"I... I'm the problem." I state silently. Each word is burning my throat. "What do you mean?"

"Please get out of here..."

"No."

"This is my house and I want you to get out!" She shouts.

"No." I repeat with more force.

"Sara..."

"No Cath!" My breath is heavy. I need to calm down. "You just can't tell I'm the problem and throw me out of here without explanations. You can't hurt me like that and just expect me to be ok with it." I pause and breathe deep to calm myself down. "Cath don't do this. Because if I walk out of here I won't come back! I care about you, I care about our friendship so please don't crash this."

We stare at each other. I don't understand what's happening. One moment everything was fine and the next we're fighting for no obvious reason. It makes me mad.

"It has to stop Sara. I can't do this anymore. It's for the best believe me."

"Catherine, stop that! Tell me something that makes sense, stop pulling a Grissom on me!"

"I can't stand to be near you, I can't... I can't keep on like this. It has to stop because I can't... I wish you could see what's in front of you but you don't and I can't take it anymore." It still doesn't make any sense to me and I'm really hurt and mad because she's about to ruin something good. "Sara please if you really care, please leave." She begs me.

"Don't ruin this Catherine. Please don't do this to me. Don't do this to us." I beg her but she ignores me.

I know I won't get any more explanations. I'm pissed and hurt. I feel like I'd been used, I feel like nothing more than a thing you put away when you feel you're done with it. The hardest part is that I'm losing the best thing I have and there's nothing I can do.

"Look at me." I tell her harshly. She takes few seconds but she does. "I want you to realize that you are destroying our friendship. Our relationship means something, it's precious. If I'm the problem then tell me how I can fix it but don't just push me away without any reason. Please Cath, it worth it. I don't want to lose you or your friendship. Let's talk this through ok. Please." I say as calmly as I can. She looks at me and then averts her eyes.

"Sara, leave now." She says to the floor.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" I pause to swallow the golf ball in my throat. My tone is sharp to hide the deep hurt I feel. "If I'm going now it will be over and we know it. I told you I couldn't play this game anymore." She still doesn't look at me. "Cath."

She looks at me again. I can't believe that I'm about to lose her. I give her a chance but if she doesn't take it then it's over. Why it has to be this way?

"Please go... just go." Her eyes drop on the floor again.

I stand in front of her not knowing what to do. I can't breathe so much the pain is vivid. She's not even able to face me! Suddenly I feel rage in me. I ball up my fists hard enough to cut my blood circulation, hard enough to leave marks on my palms. I wait for her to look at me, somewhere I hope she will change her mind in the next second. Because as long as I'm still inside there's still a chance. But she doesn't move. Then she lifts her head up.

"Get out!" She says forcefully.

I close my eyes to stop myself from falling. It's over.

"Goodbye Catherine." I say.

I turn to leave. I open the door and wait a second. Something hits me. There's nothing left.

I've got nothing left to lose now. It's over.

I let go the doorknob, hearing the door closing itself behind me. What's the point?

It's over.

* * *

**Like I said I've had a bad day... does the word frustration ring any bell?... Ok sorry but don't kill me right now and keep on having faith in me, remember I'm a good person... you can send me flames this time if you think I'm mean... I don't think my day could get any worse. But just so you know I'll be back with more in no time so...**

**Thanks for reading.**


	30. Chapter 30

**I felt bad for yesterday... So here I am back with more**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So

* * *

Chapter 30: Catherine **

I've turned my back to the door so I wouldn't have to see Sara pass the door. I wouldn't have to witness the biggest mistake of my life. So this is it, it's over. I'm sure someday, not anytime soon but someday I will convince myself that I actually did the best choice. Yeah right, who am I kidding?

I hear the door closing itself and at this precise moment my heart breaks in a million pieces. I start to cry hard. What have I done?

What the...

Something is holding me tight around the waist and behind the head, the air is literally sucked out of my lungs, a foreign body is invading my mouth, my feet don't touch the ground anymore, my heartbeat skyrockets, electricity is running under my skin almost burning it, I feel like falling and my head is about to burst. Then as violently as it came the sensation goes. While my feet touch the ground again I almost lose my balance. I breathe hard it's like I'm tasting oxygen for the first time. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I open my eyes – though I wasn't aware of having them closed, it take me seconds to focus. I must be hallucinating.

Sara.

She's there right in front of me, looking at me, breathing heavily. I've always said that her eyes could speak volume when she was silent. Well right now I see something in it that is almost terrifying.

Ok, this just didn't happen. She just didn't kiss me like no one ever had. There's a rational explanation I'm hallucinating or daydreaming. I just keep on staring at her. She closes her eyes.

I'm paralyzed. I'm more scared by the fact that this could actually be real than by the fact that it couldn't. I mean I've had vivid dreams where I gave life to my fantasies with Sara and I could actually feel something. But none of my dreams have been this real, what I'm feeling right now is just indescribable. I just can't do anything, there's such a mess going in my head that it's like it was blank.

I lift my hand up to reach her. I'm shaking because I'm expecting her to vanish at my touch. My movement is painfully slow. My fingertips brush the corner of her lips, I'm amazed just by the fact that I actually can feel the touch. I keep my progression and I put my hand on her cheek and caress her lips with my thumb, I feel her exhaling a shaky breath. My other hand mimics the first hand on her other cheek. I hypnotized, it's like I was touching another human being for the first time, like I was discovering this sense. I barely breathe and I don't blink because I don't know if it's real or not. She hasn't moved yet and her eyes are still closed.

I close the distance between her face and mine. I brush her lips with mine. It's a feather touch yet I feel like a nuclear bomb just exploded in me. I pull back and open my eyes very slowly. To my surprise she's still there.

Oh my God. If it's a dream I do not want to wake up.

I kiss her again but my touch is not light anymore. I capture her bottom lip and suck it gently. I pull back a little not totally breaking the touch and taste her lip with my tongue. I feel her mouth open itself slowly so I deepen the kiss.

And then it's like the hell had broken loose. I feel her react to my touch, it's like I've just given life to her. I feel her hands resuming their previous positions – one behind my head the other one snaking behind my waist. Just the feeling of her hands back on me is making me shiver. Her hold is tight, but I don't care, I don't want her to let me go. I put my arms around her neck. Our kiss is urgent and passionate, almost violent. Oxygen becomes an issue so we both pull back but don't break the touch. I keep my eyes closed and rest my forehead against hers. I feel the hand which was behind my head caressing my cheek. I feel her breath brushing my face. I feel like I was on fire, even breathing is hurting me.

Then her hands go on my back. My arms are locked firmly behind her neck. She's giving me little kisses on my lips. Then all the sudden I feel my body being lifted up from the floor. I squeak at the sensation and tighten my grip on her neck and lock my legs around her waist. I kiss her again. When oxygen has completely left my lungs I pull back and bury my head on her neck. And I feel us moving.

I can't believe this is happening. I'm not even sure that this is actually happening for that matter.

It's like I was back to life again. Like I had stopped breathing those last months. Now I'm feeling everything tenfold. I feel so much sensations right now that it's almost unreal. I feel like I was high.

I start to kiss the flesh of her neck. I bite it gently and kiss it again. I feel a carnal need growing inside me. I feel her grip on me loosening and slowly my feet land on the ground again, yet I still feel like falling. I feel her hand cupping my face again and bringing me back to her lips. Then her mouth is tasting my neck. My arms still haven't moved from her neck.

Suddenly I feel her hands on my bare stomach, and I moan at the touch. My all body is aching for that touch. Her hands are gravitating slowly upward, brushing the sides of my breasts. I'm surprised, I haven't liquefied by now. I feel my shirt sliding gently off my shoulders, while her mouth is now sucking my earlobe.

I want to touch her. I need to touch her. And so I do. I do my best to open her shirt but it's not easy with shaky fingers and closed-eyes.

My senses are on overdrive, the sensations I'm experimenting right now are just driving me insane. Her hands are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Whenever she pulls her hands away from me, the feeling of loss makes my skin sting. I don't know where to focus my attention, I just can't keep track of what's going on. All I know is that I need more.

I feel myself being pushed gently backward, and my back lands on what I suppose to be my bed. I open my eyes for the first time since I've kissed her. I'm literally losing myself into her eyes. No one ever looked at me the way she does now. I feel like I was the most precious thing in the entire world, I feel like the world was summarizing itself to me, no not the world the whole universe. There's no real word to explain how I really feel right now. I'm mesmerized by her gaze.

She bends down and kisses me deeply. My hands find their way on her back and that's when I realize that we're both naked – I don't know how she undressed me without me noticing even less how I actually managed to undress her. Her skin against mine is a feeling so incredible. But I want more, I feel like it wasn't enough. I pull her closer to me, but I still want more. I want to melt my body into hers, I want her to be under my skin. I want us to be one.

She's slowly, thoroughly, meticulously tracing every inch of my body with her hands, with her mouth, with her tongue, with her teeth. I start a symphony of moans in a low key, and when I recover enough faculties to be a little more articulate I call her name over and over again.

Then my breath is caught in my throat as she's tasting my essence for the first time. I thought I was high but I was wrong because I'm definitely starting to fly.

I'm going high and high and always higher. I barely can breathe, my heart is threatening to implode.

It's like I was thunderstruck when my first orgasm hits me. But I don't have time to realize anything more as I feel her in me. Within minutes another powerful orgasm hits me, my heartbeat is so erratic that it's painful. I think my heart is about to get out of my ribcage. My back arches up violently as a third orgasm travels through my whole body. I need to breathe because I'm about to pass out. While I try to fill my lungs with a raged breathing I feel her making her way back up, kissing my body. But she's still in me, it's like she didn't want me to get down from where she's taken me – somewhere I've never been, I didn't even know it existed.

She kisses me softly and caresses my face reverently. I manage to open my eyes, I need time to focus but I'm diving into her eyes again. Then she starts to bring me high again. Her gaze is so intense, I couldn't break the eye contact even if I wanted to. Her path inside me is deep and slow. Then she speeds it up a little. I'm pretty sure my lips are forming her name, but seeing that breathing is already hard to do, speaking is impossible.

I'm as high as I can go, and for a moment it's like everything had stopped. My heart stops beating for a second, before exploding with the violence of another orgasm more powerful than the others. My eyes don't left Sara, I call her name in a last effort and hold on her back tightly. The force of the sensation is hurtful, my body is shaking violently. I have to close my eyes because I can't stand it. I pull her to me and hang on her as my life depended on it. For a moment I feel like dying so much my fall over the edge is swallowing me – like the saying goes: the higher you get the harder the fall is.

Then the shaking progressively subsides, I gasp a little when she's retreating herself from me. I'm still tightly holding on her back. She's holding me gently but firmly. I can feel her breath being short as I try to remember how to fill my lungs myself. Everything is overwhelming right now.

I feel like I was breathing for the first time. Like I was feeling for the first time. It's like I haven't known human touch before. I feel like I just died, but it's not the end. It's just the beginning.

I'm just reborn.

* * *

**Ok, so it wasn't that great and I'd like to apologise for that but it's my first fic so it's my first attempt at a scene like this, I was split between getting into the details or leaving it up to your imagination, I think I find a compromise...Anyway I've been writing this all night and I was on the verge of banging my head against the wall because I'm not satisfy :(... But as we all know the first time is rarely the best...(I quit rambling now :p )**

**thanks for reading **


	31. Chapter 31

**Love, love, love...Love, love,love... all you need is love... As I promised, I brought them together so here's tenderness and love just for your pleasure ;) **

**Thanks for your reviews, you're really amazing ;)

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Chapter 31: Sara **

Wow. Just... Wow.

I take a minute or two to catch my breath again. That was an incredible lovemaking – which makes me think that maybe I've never got the right definition of lovemaking. It's an incredible feeling, a breathtaking feeling.

I can't believe what just happened. Saying I'm happy would be the understatement of the century. There's no word to describe such a feeling like the one I'm swimming in right now.

I gently kiss Catherine's neck, where my head is buried. I feel her sobbing and suddenly I panic. I lift my head up and look at her. She's crying silently. My hand is caressing her hair and her face softly. I'm worried.

"Cath?" I call her softly. "What's wrong?"

She smiles through her tears and instantaneously relief waves through me. "Nothing is wrong." She answers. She caresses my cheek, lifts her head up and kisses me deeply, thoughtfully. She pulls back and smiles again. "Everything is more than fine."

I smile back at her. She's so beautiful. Her eyes have never been this blue, a deep blue. There's a thin layer of perspiration over her face and her hair is slightly damp. She has this gentle smile on her face. She's so beautiful. I bend down to kiss her softly. I can't get enough of her.

I shift my position so I'm next to her. I take her in my arms so we can rest.

xxxxx

I wake up and find out that it wasn't a dream. I sigh in relief.

Wow, I can't believe where I am right now.

I was about to turn my back to this. I opened that door and I was about to cross it and never get back here again. But then I realized that everything I was trying to preserve by not taking the risk was gone anyway, I realized that in the end there wasn't any risk left. You can't take risks if you don't have anything left to lose, can you? That's why I've turned my back and why I've kissed her. I don't think myself as a genius but I have to say that, that choice was brilliant. For once I didn't runaway. I'm damn glad I didn't.

My whole life has just done a 360° turn.

I look at Catherine who's sleeping deeply in my arms while I gently caress the smooth skin of her back , God I like this picture. I kiss her head.

Everything is just perfect.

xxxxx

I got out of bed to prepare a breakfast for my sleeping beauty. My sleeping beauty, yup everything is just perfect. I figure that she'll probably be hungry after our earlier activity. So I'm going to cook her a nice little breakfast that I'll serve to her on bed.

I've just put the coffee to brew and I'm about to start cooking when I hear someone running.

"I thought I could bring you breakfast to bed. There goes my little surprise." I say lightly without turning around.

"Gees..." I hear Catherine breathing out.

I turn around, and see her, she's wearing her shirt. She looks pale as a sheet and slightly panicked, there are tears in her eyes and she has one hand on her chest. I'm concerned so I start to close the distance between us. But before I can make it or before I can say anything, she in my arms kissing me passionately. When the need for oxygen is to strong she pulls back. Wow.

"Good morning." I say with a goofy grin.

She's touching my face without saying a word. Then she looks into my eyes as if she just remember I was there.

"You'll get all the time in the world to bring me breakfast to bed as soon as I realize that you're really there, that this is real."

My smile gets bigger, I like the sound of that.

"I woke up and you weren't there and I thought you were gone. Worse, for a moment I thought I had imagined all this. " She confesses.

"I didn't mean to scare you, forgive me." I kiss her gently and hug her tightly. I feel her nodding on my shoulder.

"Can we please get back to bed?" She asks after a moment.

"Sure."

We go back in her bedroom and lay down on bed in our former position only this time she's holding me more firmly.

"Cath?"

"Yeah?"

I don't want to ruin anything but I'd rather clean the air now so we'll be both on the same wavelength.

"I don't want to break the mood or anything but I want you to know something." I take a deep breath "It wasn't just an impulse or a one-time thing. I want a relationship with you, I want something solid and I want it to last."

My advice? If you ever decide to bury yourself, might as well bury yourself deep.

That's where everything begins or ends.

"I want that too." She simply answers.

I'm breathing again.

"Good."

She lifts her head up from my chest and starts to kiss me languorously.

"Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm hungry."

I laugh at that. We get out of bed to have breakfast.

xxxxx

We've spent a good day together, tasting the joy renewal. We haven't talk much, the spell of this morning hadn't been broken yet. There has been a lot of hugs and some kisses, clumsy and shy touches, but a lot of tenderness. Then time called us back to reality reminding us that there was actually a world outside and that we had to get to work.

Leaving the house has been a bit difficult since my mouth wouldn't leave Catherine's. I felt like I was leaving for years. Yet knowing that two hours later I would see her at work.

xxxxx

I'm in the break room sitting on the couch between Warrick and Nick, having coffee and fun. Then she enters the room. My heart jumps at her sight.

"Good evening everyone." She says cheerfully.

"Hey Cath. You look good today." Nick states.

"I feel good Nicky, ecstatic even." She replies pouring herself a mug of coffee.

"Well joy suits you." He answers.

"He's right, joy suits you." I chuckles softly he's right, she's radiant. She looks at me smiling brightly.

"I'd say that joy suits both of you girls. Come on tell us what's your secrets." Warrick says.

"You know the important thing with secrets is that they are... secret." I answer jokingly.

"We have meanings to make you talk, you know." Nick says.

"Oh yeah and what would that be?"

They start to tickle me but I escape their grip laughing hard. "You're so childish!"

"Come on girls, just tell us." Warrick says.

"Well I was about to tell you when you _attacked_ Sara. So now I leave you to your ignorance." Catherine answers.

"Hey Sara assignment's up, grab your coat you're with me. I wait for you by the car." Greg says from the doorway before disappearing as fast as he appeared. Please tell me he's not on sugar high again.

"Well have a nice shift everyone." I put my hand on Catherine's arm and caress it briefly in what could be interpreted as a friendly touch but the look in our eyes is everything but friendly. "I leave you with the kids." I can hear Nick and Warrick whining after my retreating form.

"Recess is over kids. Here for you. Jeez, I forgot my pager in my locker." I don't hear the reply to that comment as I turn in the corridor.

xxxxx

I grab my coat in my locker glad that no one is in the locker room. I wait a little by the side of the door. Five, four, three, two...

My lips are on Catherine's in a matter of seconds. The kiss is urgent, deep and passionate. I pull back to breathe.

"It's the first and the last time this is happening here. But I needed that too." I say. One of my hand is on her waist the other one on her cheek. I kiss her again lightly before breaking the physical contact. A smile is gracing her lips and I'm sure I'm wearing its twin on mine.

"What do you mean 'you too'? Who said that was what I'm here for?" She asks me with a straight face.

I know I probably look a little smug right now but I have my reasons. I bend near her ear and suck her earlobe before nibbling it, I hear her struggling to keep a little moan in her throat.

"Your pager is in your pocket." I whisper in her ear. Then I face her again with a cocky smile on my lips.

"Busted." She says blushing a little. "I kind of missed you."

"I missed you too." I take her hand in mine. "Duty's calling."

"Yeah."

I kiss her hand and let it go. I take my kit and start to head back to the door.

"Sara?" She calls me back. I turn to look at her . "I'll see you after shift?"

"Definitely." I simply say with a bright smile.

"See you then."

I should try to find a way to stop smiling like an idiot otherwise I might stay like this forever.

Oh hell, I don't care looking like an idiot as long as I'm happy.

xxxxx

Shift is over. And guess what? I'm the first one out of the building. Oh yeah.

Thirty minutes later I'm at Catherine's place. I feel excited. I'm like a kid on sugar high.

She opens the door and invites me in. We stare at each other in an awkward moment. It's strange really because I've been waiting all night for this moment and right now it's like I didn't know what to do.

"Breakfast is ready." She says breaking the silence.

She turns around toward the kitchen. I follow her closely. I'm so close to her that when she turns to me again I barely have to move my head to kiss her. We lost ourselves in the kiss. Then our hands start to act on their own. I'm addicted to her, there's no doubt about that. I'm so happy now that I can give into my need to touch her. I just can't get enough. I don't think I'll ever will.

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**See? I told you I wasn't a bad person... Oh and thanks for your concern, I'm having a rather good day and I'm in a good mood as you can see. **


	32. Chapter 32

**Thanks for your reviews I'm glad I didn't make a total ass of myself...anyway sorry I didn't update yesterday I was caught with the new year's eve preparations anyway here's more...**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So

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Chapter 32: Catherine **

I'm kissing Sara. No I'm not dreaming, and yes you heard me correctly. I'm kissing Sara, my lover. My lover. My lover.

This morning when I woke up and find out I was alone I freaked. I thought that if it was a dream, first it was the meanest ever and then if it was a dream it would have mean that she was gone out of my life for good. But she's there with me. And most of all she wants a relationship with me. I'm lucky.

We break the kiss to breathe. Oxygen is such a plague!

"Hey there." She whispers to me with a big smile.

"Hey." I kiss her lightly. "What about skipping the breakfast?"

"Sounds like a good plan."

I take her hand and lead her to the bedroom. We start to kiss again. Then I can feel her hands finding their way under my clothes. I pull back breaking the kiss. I'd like to ask her for something but at the same time I don't want her to take it as a rejection.

"Tell me." She just says caressing my cheek.

"Is it ok if we just... sleep? I mean sleep." I ask her but I don't feel like being clear. "It's not that I don't want you, I do... trust me I really do... But... I know it's silly..."

"Cath." She stops my rambling. "Yes. It's ok." She kisses me briefly. "As long as I'm with you I don't care what we do."

She starts to kick off her shoes. And she climbs on the bed.

"I know I'm asking for much but... I'd like to sleep in your arms and... I want to feel your skin." Boy when did I become so shy and insecure?

She stands up in front of me and starts to unbutton my shirt. And so we begin to undress each other delivering some chaste kiss here and there. Then I lay in her arms into my favorite spot. There's nothing between us just a cover on us.

"Sweet dreams." She says.

And then we sleep.

xxxxx

I wake up and find out that I'm still in her arms. God, I love the feeling of her skin against mine. I'm glad to know that she meant it, that it wasn't just about sex. It's strange even with the very few person I've been in love with in my life I've never felt this content just with the physical touch. With Sara I do. Don't get me wrong I want her, I really, really do. But there is more than just desire. I guess that's what love is all about.

I start to caress her bare stomach with my hand. My touch is feather like. I enjoy this because yesterday I haven't taken the time to do so. It was all about me come to think of it. What she has made me feel yesterday was just... wow. She has given me without any restriction, not to get a returned favor, she just gave me everything in all her generosity, just to give. She has loved me like no one ever did. She has made me feel more than just special.

I love her more than I did yesterday. I can't believe that this is real.

She stirs a little at my touch and a low moan escapes from her lips but she's still sleeping. I want her. I feel the carnal need in me waking up again, I want to make one with her again. I want to make love to her.

I lift up a little and kiss her lips. I caress her nose with mine and kiss her again. Slowly I can feel her coming to her senses.

"Cath..." She whispers.

I love the way she says my name. I want to hear her saying it over and over again. I kiss her neck; I trace her jaw line and come back to her lips. She opens her mouth so I deepen the kiss. I feel one of her hand cupping my cheek, and I hear her moan again. I pull back and her eyes are open she has this look again, the one that makes me feel like I was the only one, but there's also a fire in it.

I shift myself so I'm on top of her. I kiss her again and start the exploration of her body. I can't get enough of this, it's intoxicating, I always want more.

There's just her, just us, melting our bodies together. Just us, moaning, feeling, tasting, loving each other.

xxxxx

"I'm glad you stayed." I say breaking the silence.

We've spent some quality time to satisfy our physical desire. I'm definitely high with happiness. I lay a kiss on her shoulder.

"I've never crossed the door." She says. "I've opened it but I couldn't get pass through it. I'm glad I couldn't."

I feel the need to get even more closer than I am right now so I snuggle further into her embrace.

"I know a lot of things have changed since yesterday... but there's something you've said... I want this to work so I need to know if there's something I need to change or..." She stammers.

I start to panic a little. I know that before the big turn of event I've been stupid and mean. I don't want this to ruin my new relationship with Sara. I stiff a little and I think that Sara senses my discomfort.

"I'm not holding things against you but I just want to be sure everything is ok." She pauses. "You said that I was... the problem... If there's something wrong with me I want you to tell me so I can sort things out. Because I don't want to blow this up."

I feel horrible. That's right, that's what I've said. I feel tears burning my eyes as guilt is invading me.

"God I'm stupid." She berates herself. "I shouldn't have brought that up, I didn't mean to hurt you, this is the last thing I want... Forget it ok, forgive me I've been stupid. Just forgive me." She tighten her hold on me.

"No, it's alright, but I just realized I might have lost you for good." I manage to say through my tears. She's about to answer but I cut her off. "Yesterday, my feelings for you were killing me. They've been killing me for months now, that's why I was sad, that was what was bothering me..." I take a deep breath "When I said that you were the problem... I meant that it was hard for me to have such feelings and bear with it knowing that this – what we're having right now – won't happen, or rather supposing it won't." I chuckle dryly. "Yesterday I've tried to push you away because of my feelings. Because I didn't want to mess things up. I heard the door slamming shut and I thought I had lost you when in fact you were coming back to me." I feel a bit sad when I think of our argument yesterday. "When I see where we are now I think there is a good irony in all this." I say to light the mood a little.

"Yeah, you're right."

I lift my head and kiss her. "I don't want you to change anything. Everything is fine the way it is." I say looking in her expressive ebony eyes.

"Ok. Forgive me though, I didn't mean to break the mood or make you feel bad." She pleads me.

"You're forgiven." I see relief crossing her eyes. I kiss her more deeply to let her know that everything is ok, and that I want her and this.

I resume my position on my favorite spot as silence falls between us. Sara holds me tight not saying a word. For a moment I'm afraid I have said too much.

"So... You do have feelings for me?" She asks with an uncertain voice.

I tense a little. I do love her but I want to do things right, I don't want to expose myself until I know for sure that she's loving me back. I don't want to scare her off. She likes me that's a solid fact now, but does she love me? I don't know. I want this to work and I don't want to play with my heart. I don't want to get hurt.

"Cath?" She asks again.

In the other hand, I don't want to hide from her "Yes I do" I admit in a whisper I'm still a little tense. "Look I don't want you to..."

"It's good to know." She cuts me off.

"Sara..." I feel a little panicked I don't know why.

She shifts herself so she's now resting on her elbow. She looks at me intensely.

"I have feelings for you too." She starts. She smiles a bit. "Cath..." She trails off. "I more than just like you" She says with a penetrating look.

With those six little words she just takes my breath away. I know it's weird but her eyes are telling me what I want to know, and there is what I'm looking for in them. So her little admission might seems trivial but it isn't. Because she has just told me much more than those words did. I know she hasn't said the three words because she is just as insecure as I am. But she has found another way that is typically Sara.

"I more than just like you too." I echo her word with a happy grin on my lips before pulling her down for a searing kiss.

This is not how I'd imagined telling her that I love her for the first time – but then again I didn't really plan on telling her at all, not so long ago – yet it is perfect, because it's our first declarations of love.

She loves me.

xxxxx

We've tried to have a shower together but it wasn't working – our hands lack discipline, so I've let her in the shower.

I feel fantastic. I feel on the top of the world. I'm happy everything is colorful and new and perfect.

I don't want her to go. I want to spend every day with her. I want to get to know her like no one does, know her little habits, know all those things that only lovers know. I want to know her. I want her to stay this week in my house with me.

Maybe she'll think I'm going too fast. What if she doesn't want this? I mean what if she wants to have time on her own? I know I have had enough time on my own as it is, I don't want to waste anymore time away from her, but I don't want her to feel invaded. I don't want her to think that I'm a glue pot.

Gees, I don't remember thinking that much in my previous relationships, but I have to say that they weren't real relationships, just distractions. I feel like learning everything all over again. I feel like this is the first time, come to think about it I think that somewhere it is.

xxxxx

"Sara, I got it..." I protest as she starts to make the dishes.

"I don't think so... just relax ok."

"Sara..." She kisses me. I feel my legs turning into cotton, ok maybe I need to sit after all.

"Give me five little minutes and I'll be yours." She says playfully.

"I like the sounds of that..." She looks at me puzzled "You being all mine."

"I like that too."

I leave her in the kitchen and go in the living room to sit on the couch.

Before I even start to drift far away in my thoughts, I feel lips on my neck, tasting me hungrily. I moan and try to hold her head right where it is. Sara steps over the couch to get in a more comfortable position. She leans over me and we start to kiss passionately. I just love being physically close to her. I just love this side of her, the really demonstrative one. I mean every time she has the occasion she kisses me – you won't hear any complain coming from me! Or she just hold me close to her. I like that, I really do. Usually I don't seek for such a closeness, I like demonstrative lovers but with some limits, but with Sara I always want more. We stop kissing and she just stares at me with an admiring look. She caresses my face delicately and gives me a quick kiss before smiling.

"So I was thinking of something..." I start nervously. "I don't want to presume anything or to get ahead of myself too much but..."

"Cath just tell me." She chuckles.

"I thought that maybe you could bring some spare clothes here so you could stay longer here..." I blurt out "Like I said I don't want to get ahead of myself or anything... I mean I'll understand if you need your time alone and... Maybe this is too fast and..."

Before I can ramble a little more I feel a soft pair of lips silencing mine and effectively making me lose my train of thoughts.

"I like this idea." She answers me with a smile that makes me weak on my knees – lucky I am laying on the couch already.

I take a little time to get back on earth after her kiss. I process her answer and I hold myself from whooping of joy.

"Great this is great." I just say.

I kiss her again. And so we start making-out like teenagers but it's good and I feel like a teenager anyway.


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33: Sara**

Do you think it's possible to die from happiness? I've been on high for the last two days, as pleasurable as it is, I'm scared to make an overdose.

Everything is fine, or almost. Yes, almost. Did I ever mention to you that I had super powers? No? My mistake, I'm confused, well let's fix this little slip then.

My greatest power ever is the power to 'screw-things-up'. I know some of you people will say that everyone has this power but it's not true. You see, my power is real and a really dangerous. It's a fact every times something good has happened in my life it ended up badly. It's like a curse, like a catch-22, no matter how hard I've tried, no matter if I learnt from my mistakes or not, I screw things up. Always.

Take this morning for example. Everything was great yet I had to make the woman I love cry. Forty eight hours and I've already made her cry. Can you believe it? I wanted to punch myself, I swear that I'll do anything not to make her cry ever again, cry out of pain that is. I just can let my special power destroy this.

Let's talk about the positive things, ok? I told her that I loved her. Ok maybe not in those exact terms but if the words were different the meaning was the same. And I think it's a safe bet to say that she loves me back. And last she asked me to stay with her the entire week. Isn't that great? Yeah I think so too.

For once in my life the fate is giving me everything I want on a platter, I'll be damned if I refuse it or just throw it away.

xxxxx

Days pass in a blur. I can believe it's been already five days that we've been together. Five days of cuddling, hugging, kissing, making love, laughing, teasing, touching, tickling, licking, nibbling, discovering...

I'm amazed every morning to realize that it's not a dream. And waking up next to her, and going to bed with her everyday is a pure bliss. To bad it'll be soon over.

Tomorrow Cake is coming back from her trip. I'm a bit anxious as for what will be her reaction to the new of my relationship with her mom. I don't even know if Catherine is planning on telling her. I don't know. It's like the first clouds were making themselves see at the horizon. But I don't want to think about that now. Now is the time to enjoy things the way they are, without any worries.

xxxxx

"Mmmm..." She purrs "You're never satiated aren't you." She chuckles.

I giggle a bit and leave a kiss on her shoulder blade. "I can't get enough of you."

We're on the kitchen cooking – well she's cooking or rather trying, while I'm just enjoying the closeness.

We have spend a whole morning and afternoon to make love and we have actually manage to get out of bed – which is saying something when you think it has been hard to make it that far in the first place – and yet I still want her, even more than I did at the beginning of the day – lucky me, we both have our night off. Her back is against my chest, I have my hand entangle with hers on her stomach and I try to learn every curves of her neck with my lips.

She turns around and starts to kiss me. "Well it's a really good thing because I can't get enough of you too." She says after pulling away.

She puts her arms around my neck and looks at me. "Lindsey is coming back tomorrow."

"I know..." I pause "If you want to slow things down a bit..."

"You think we're going too fast?" She cuts me off. I feel her pulling her arms away.

"No, not at all." I reassure her passing my hand in her hair. "Not at all. I just thought that maybe you wanted some time alone with her, you haven't seen her in days and you need to see her the more you can with your new schedule and..." I trail off, suddenly my voice isn't more than a whisper "Maybe you need some time to tell her about us or for her to get used to the idea... I mean if you want to tell her about us that is." I try to explain.

"You're sweet." She says with a soft grin. "I don't hide things from Lindsey. I won't tell her about us though." I can feel the hurt creeping back next to my heart but I don't show it. "We will. We'll find a moment to tell her and if she thinks she needs time, we'll see. But I won't hide you." I think I'm about to cry out of joy. She's still looking at me intently. There's something in her eyes that is almost scary so much her gaze is deep. She tilts her head on a side a gives me a chaste peck on the lips. Then she puts one of my lock behind my ear, caressing my face softly. "I love you."

News flash: mayday, mayday! my brain has burnt out, my heart has just stopped beating and I don't know how to breathe anymore. Somebody please put the emergency system on!

"I love you too." I breathe out with a shaky voice. I feel so many things that it's hard to speak. "I love you too." I repeat before kissing her ardently.

Did you hear that? She loves me. She loves me!!

I can hear the choir singing in my head and feel fireworks in my heart. She loves me!

I hold her tight against me and lift her off the ground. She gasps and giggles at the same time.

She loves me.

xxxxx

Waking up today has been a bit hard, because we only had two little hours of sleep...

We're on the same parking lot than one week ago, waiting for the Cake's bus to arrive. Every parent is there, just like a week before.

Ten minutes later the bus finally arrives. I'm all excited to see Cake again. So many things have changed since she's left. I feel like I was in a new century.

Kids storm out of the bus running to their parents. Cake just nearly knocks us out in a big hug. Then she hugs her mom properly, then she hugs me.

"It's so good to see you." She says. "I missed you."

I take her baggage and then we head to the car. Cake proceeds to tell us the detail of her trip – she barely takes the time to breathe, it's unbelievable!

Once we get home we sit in the living room so she can keep on telling us what she has done for those five days.

xxxxx

"Cath..." I manage to say before losing my thoughts as her tongue is tracing my earlobe. "Linds..." I make a last effort to be rational.

"She's having a shower" She answers me nonchalantly before returning to my neck.

I kiss her and reverse our position so she's now leaning against the countertop of the kitchen. We're teasing each other and I'm about to make love to her right now if we don't stop soon.

"Mom what do we have for lunch?" The voice is saying getting closer to us.

As two same sides of a magnet Catherine and I get apart from each other within the second. It was close. Lately time is playing sneaky in us, running fast when you think it'll go slow.

"Huh?" Catherine asks to Cake who just appeared from the corridor. And who is now standing behind the island.

"I asked what we were having for lunch. I'm hungry."

"So am I." I mutter to Catherine. And I'm definitely not talking about food. Catherine gives me a death glare or at least she tries because she averts her eyes as soon as she sees my tongue moisten my lips slowly.

"So?" Cake reminds her into order.

"Uh... I don't... know... I was thinking... pizzas..." She stammers. I'm guilty for that too, I have to admit that I'm bad. I'm distracting her just by looking at her. Try to talk to your daughter while someone is looking at you with lusty gaze knowing that you are arouse from foreplays you were getting into two minutes ago. "How about pizzas?" She asks Cake.

"Cool. Are you sure you're ok?" Cake asks.

"Why?"

"I don't know you're all flushed and you're breathing funnily." Cake states innocently.

Catherine starts to blush. I try to hold my laughter as hard as I can, but it's not easy.

"I'm a little hot, I think." She says hurriedly.

"Not just a little if you want my opinion" I state only for her ears with a sultry voice. That remark owes me a little poke in my ribs but I giggle nevertheless.

"Well I'll be in my room then." Cake replies turning her back and starting to leave. But she stops her motion she turns to us again. "By the way Sara, kissing mom makes your lips swollen just so you know." She states with a serious tone.

I stop giggling in the instant and realize that she has a mischievous smile with evil eyes. Catherine blushes again and almost chokes when she realizes what Cake has just said. I can feel heat coloring my cheeks too. Cake starts to giggle, and turns away to leave. "Mom and Sara kissing on a tree..." She starts to sing before starting to laugh at us while retreating to her bedroom.

I'm pretty sure Catherine and I are making a good couple of fishes out of the water. I turn to Catherine who buries her head on her hands.

"Oh. My. God. I've been busted making out like a teenager by my twelve years old daughter." She mumbles.

"She teased us..." I'm stunned. "I can't believe it. She teased us!"

"Oh my God. How am I supposed to face her again?" Catherine smirks.

"Well look on the bright side, she seems to take it well."

"How embarrassing. You know this is not I had imagined breaking the new to her."

"Lucky us we kept a little control because five more minutes alone and who knows what she might have seen." I joke. Catherine blushes harder and starts to giggle. Then she pinches me.

"Ouch!" I whine.

"Yeah well that's for teasing while I was trying to focus on my daughter." She replies.

"I'm sure I can find a way to make it up to you." I say suggestively before kissing her.

xxxxx

The lunch goes well, so to speak except that Catherine and I are a little awkward around each other while Cake is having a good fun mocking us. It's like we were the teenager and she was the adult.

After lunch I decide to go in Cake's bedroom to have a little talk with her. I knock on her door and wait for the answer.

"Come in."

I come in and see Cake laying on her bed a book in her hand.

"Can I bother you for a minute?" I ask.

"You never bother me." She replies rolling her eyes.

I sit on the foot of the bed and take a look at her room for a minute, trying to put my thoughts in order again.

"So, you're mom's girlfriend now?" She chuckles.

I turn to her blushing violently. I always forget about her bluntness. "I think you can say that."

"Well you are or you're not, so?"

"Yes I am." I answer more firmly. I take a deep breath. "Are you ok with that? I mean really ok? Because if you need time to get used to this or if you're against it or..."

"As long as you keep her happy it's fine by me." She states seriously cutting my rambling. I'm surprise by her maturity.

"I'm glad you're ok with it. But if you want to talk about it or if something bothers you, you can come to me."

"Sure." She thinks about something and then gets back to me "That doesn't change anything between us right?"

"Of course it doesn't, it only means that I'll probably be..."

"Kissing my mom all the time." She cuts me off.

I take a pillow and hit her gently with it. "No. Well yes maybe, but I was going to say that I'll probably be there a little more often."

"Cool."

"Oh by the way there's something I needed to tell you earlier." I start.

"What?"

"I'll tell you in a second but first it's time for your appointment."

"My appointment?" She asks me puzzled.

"Yeah with the Tickles monster!" I start to tickle her fiercely "It wasn't nice to tease me and your mom!" I say laughing with her while she tries to beg me to stop.

xxxxx

Two weeks and everything is still fine. It has been hard not to sleep next to her at first. My apartment is definitely empty. I never complained before but now I don't want to waste time being on my own again. What's the point? I don't need to think about my relationship with Catherine I know what I want. It's great to be with her. It's pretty much like when we were friends except that now I can touch her, kiss her, and so on. Everyday I'm just happy with the fact that at last I'm with her. I enjoy every moment and I show her my feelings every time I have the occasion. I've been holding myself for so long so I have to catch up with all that wasted time.

"I think it's your cell." Catherine says.

We're on the kitchen making our breakfast. She takes my cell phone on the bar.

"You have a new message." She states.

"I'm busy, can you read it for me please?"

"Sure" She opens my cell and reads the message "It says: Icrua."

I giggle. "What?"

"Icrua." She repeats seriously. "Stop laughing that's what it says!"

"Are you sure you're reading it well?" She sends me a death glare and throws a dish rag on my face.

"I'm not stupid, it's written that way: I-C-R-U-A-H. No name and it's an unknown number. Maybe it's a mistake."

The bulb lights up in my head. It's not a mistake. There's only one person who sends me this message. Nancy. The letters? They stand for : I Could Really Use A Hug. I just realize that I haven't told Nancy about Catherine and me. Last time I saw her it was two days before Cake's school trip. There's something else, and right now it's the more important: Catherine doesn't know about my deal with Nancy. Which comes to be a problem because I have to see Nancy as soon as possible to honor my word.

It had never been a problem so far she sent me a message and I would be next to her as soon as I could and hug her to provide comfort, or I would sent her a message and she would be waiting for me to go to her place – sometimes she would come to mine – to provide me comfort. It's a really well-oiled system. But now there are new factors coming into consideration and the dynamic of the system has to be readjusted. I won't break the deal with Nancy but I definitely need to clue Catherine in, I don't want to spoil everything and make her have the wrong ideas.

"Honey?" Catherine calls me.

"Yeah?"

"I asked you if you were ok, you seemed... Concerned just then." She says carefully.

"I need to make a phone call." I just say.

I take my cell from Catherine's hands and kiss her on the cheek. She has a questioning look, I know she wants to know the meaning of the message but she doesn't ask it aloud. Catherine's phone rings. As I'm the closer from the cordless I answer.

"Hello"

_"Sara?"_ The voice asks.

"Great minds think alike, I was about to call you." I answer then I remember that Catherine is behind me I turn around and she looks confused.

_"Did you get my message?"_

"Yeah I was on my way." I answer.

_"Well actually I have to come to Catherine so if you're there already, don't bother. I need to talk to her so can you hang her over please?"_

"Sure."

I hand the phone to Catherine who takes it suspiciously.

"Hello?" She says tentatively. "Hey Nance." She pauses. "Sure, see you in ten then." She hangs up.

She looks at me pensively. I know she's trying put all the pieces of the puzzle together. I expect her to question me but she doesn't. Instead she retreats in the living room and sits on the couch.

"Cath?"

"I just need to sit a while." She dismisses me.

We need to talk about this but I won't push her. I have nothing to hide, but I know that for outsiders and considering the situation it can be confusing.

Ten minutes later Nancy arrives at Catherine's. She talks about something with Catherine first. I give them privacy busying myself in the kitchen. Then Catherine disappears in her room and Nancy joins me in the kitchen. I open my arms silently and she settles in. No words are needed, just comfort and affection.

"I missed this so much." She mutters. "I really needed to see you. Thanks."

"You're welcome. It's always a pleasure." I chuckle. "How do you feel?"

"Better now, but I need more time."

"Sure no problem. Take all the time you need."

We don't move for a while. We lose ourselves in the embrace. The world just fades away for few minutes to give some space to a peaceful moment. My eyes are closed and I know that Nancy's are too. It's all about letting go and just giving and taking some affection. Today I give and she takes. I feel her tightening the hold, I mimic her. She takes a deep breath and buries her head on my neck. She sighs.

"I'm ready now."

Ready to let go, ready to face the world again. She lets me go and gives me a gentle smile.

"It was great as always." She giggles. Then she becomes more serious and we speak a lot with our eyes. "Thank you."

I kiss her forehead . "You're always more than welcome."

I turn and see Catherine staring at us. Her expression wavers between hurt and anger. I guess she has been there for a while. I look at her but she averts her eyes and doesn't say a word.

xxxxx

Nancy stays for lunch. Catherine seems to have calmed down but I know it's only the surface. Every attempt I make to touch her or talk to her she ignores me or dismisses me. She stays silent for long moment before retreating in her room using tiredness as an excuse. Then Nancy has to get home and I take that opportunity to have a moment with her on the porch.

"You've changed your mind." She states.

"How do you... Never mind. I always forget that you're observant." I smirk.

"Well I would have had to be blind or completely stupid not to see that." I look at her puzzled. "Oh come on, don't tell me you didn't notice that she tried to kill me with her eyes during the whole lunch!"

"Good point."

"The only other time she looked at me like that was when we were in high school and she thought I was hitting on the guy she had a crush on." She says. "I'll tell you, you have to be either a fool or a suicidal kind to get on the way of a jealous Catherine Willows." We both laugh.

Silence sets between us. I really need to talk to Catherine.

"Anyway. When did it happen?" Nancy asks me.

"Two weeks ago." I answer with a goofy grin.

"And you didn't tell me!"

"I know I'm sorry, I'm walking on a cloud lately and I just forgot everything else."

"I'll forgive you when I'll get the details, but not today though." She shakes her head. "I was right 1 is a good odd."

"Here we go again for the big head." I push her head playfully.

"I'm good, what can I do about it?"

I stick my tongue to her and we start to laugh again.

"Well my couch and I will miss you." She says once her laughter has subsided.

"I'll miss your couch too."

"Thanks for me!" She pokes me in the ribs.

"Well, you know with your..."

"I dare you to say that I snore again." She threats me.

"I was about to talk about your drooling problem but now that you mention it..." I tease her.

"You're unbelievable!!" She says poking me on the ribs once again.

I start to tickle her in response, we fight like kids for a good minute before making the truce.

"I'll miss your hugs." She says more seriously.

"Why do you say that?"

"Well obviously our deal is over now that you're with Catherine."

"She doesn't know about the deal yet but I'm going to tell her. And we can't break a pinky deal that's the rule."

"Sara, come on we're adults we'll survive to that."

"I don't want to break that deal and I won't break it. We won't sleep together again that's for sure, but just because I'm with someone doesn't mean I can give you a hug when you need one. We're still friends right?" I reply. I don't want this to stop. It's one of the stable things on my life. I need this.

"Of course we are!"

"Well friends hug each other." I take a second to calm down "Look it's not only about the deal, forget about the deal. It's the base of our friendship. I'm here for you and we're not doing anything wrong. So I don't see why we should change anything."

"I guess you're right."

"I have to explain it to Cath that's all." I sigh. "You know, I need this. It's one of the solid columns in my life, it's one of the rare things that provides me stability." I sigh "It's not just a deal for me, I need this. So let's not destroy it."

"Same here and I agree." She sighs. "I have to go." She stands from the steps and so do I. "Oh one more thing." She looks at me and before she asks I answer her.

"Yes I am very happy."

We giggle again.

"I'll see you later for the details." She says winking at me. We hug each other briefly and then she turns to leave.

I turn to the house, I need to clear the air inside.

xxxxx

I found Catherine sitting in her bed. She's facing her window so her back is facing me. I walk in and sit next to her. She's staring at nothing. I give her time to acknowledge my presence. She looks at me and she seems lost. I gently caress her face and put one of her lock behind her ear.

"Let's talk about it." I whisper and she nods silently.


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34: Catherine**

I like puzzles. But the one I've just resolved doesn't pleased me. It doesn't please me at all.

It all started with a message on Sara's phone, a really weird message. I thought it was a joke or a mistake, but when I spelt it out for her I understood that there was something wrong. Sara's look changed instantly. I know there's a lot about her I need to learn but, at that moment I felt the sting of betrayal. Then there was the weird phone call and it appeared that the person on the other hand was the author of the message. Imagine my surprise when the mysterious person was no one but my sister.

I shouldn't be jealous, but I am. Let me tell you about the rest of the story. My sister came up, so we talked about something, then I went in my room for less than a minute. When I came back my sister was holding Sara in a very intimate embrace. And there is what Nancy said. She said she missed 'this' – I don't know what is 'this', whether it's the proximity or the intimacy. And she confessed that she needed to see Sara, I don't know what is between those two but I don't like it. It pissed me off to say the least but the worst part was the way Sara reacts to that touch. Once again the thought that they were lovers crossed my mind.

I've had this thought ever since the first time I saw them sleeping together. Then I nearly choke with jealousy the day they had a food battle because they were acting like lovers and appearances made me think that they actually had sex together. I know that day Nancy told me they weren't lovers at that time but who knows what it meant?

Maybe she meant that they weren't lovers anymore, or that they weren't lovers yet. I don't know. But what I saw today make me think that they have been lovers at moment or another. I mean they have their codes, Sara was ready to let everything down to run to Nancy. Come on! You don't have to be a genius to notice that there's something between them.

I don't want to fight with Sara. So even if jealousy was burning me inside I held myself. But the fact is I'm hurt. I'm hurt and jealous. My heart is on the first line since I'm with Sara, it hasn't been on the first line since Eddie. I'm ready to fight and make sacrifices but I'd rather avoid the hurt.

I trust Sara , I know there's an explanation to all this but it tears me apart because seeing them together brought back all my insecurities to the surface. The difference between me and them. I'm old. I'm older, I have no problem with my age but I can't deny that the difference of age with Sara is disturbing me in so far as I wonder if I'm enough. I'm scared she'll leave me for a younger model. I'm unfortunately used to that.

Most of all I'm scared to death to love. It sounds stupid but it's true. Loving someone means you have to accept to be vulnerable. I've tried all my life not to be vulnerable. I love Sara deeply, but I'm really fragile and really careful with my heart and I need her to be next to me and assure me that everything is going to be fine.

Sara's next to me, she wants me to talk about all those things going on my head. She's holding my hand silently and looking at me with her beautiful eyes.

"I feel stupid." I say nervously.

"Don't." She holds my chin and gives me a butterfly kiss.

"You and Nancy aren't lovers right?" I ask her, holding my breath.

"No. My only lover is right in front of me."

"Have you ever been?" I dig the question a little more.

"No. We haven't."

"Did you wish you were lovers?" I don't know why I impose that to myself but I can't seem to be able to stop pushing.

"Once or twice I wish we were lovers, yes." She answers after a little thought.

I know she's only giving me honest answers. But this one just stabbed my heart. For once I wish she could lie to me. So Sara wanted my sister. What if Nancy was the one Sara really wanted? What if I was only a substitute?

"So I'm choice number two..."

"No you're not. The thought of me and Nancy being lovers was just an idea. It was a fleeting thought nothing more." She replies.

I try to process what she said but I'm confused.

"Cath it's been a little more than a year that I have feelings for you. Since I've understood that, there wasn't any choice for me it was you or no one. And I'm not saying this to make you feel better."

"I always thought you and Nancy were lovers." I say ignoring her response.

"We haven't been and we won't ever be."

"But you two are so close from each other."

"I know. I want you to know it too."

Then she starts to tell me about their relationship. She tells me how it all started and she tells me about their deal. She tells me everything I want to know with honesty. It doesn't keep the sting of hurt out of my heart though.

"Cath, I know there is something more bothering you. Talk to me please." She says softly.

"I'm wish I could be enough." I answer.

"You are much more than enough. Why are you saying this?"

"If I was enough you wouldn't have to turn to my sister to provide you affection."

"Cath no. First of all I didn't turn to her, she's the one that needed me today. Then you provide me everything I want."

"For how long?" I snap. She looks hurt and taken off guard. "How long would it take you to look for a younger model?" I know this is uncalled-for at least a part of me does. But the insecure one is overpowering me.

"Cath..."

"If you're not sure you want this we'd rather stop now. I'm old and there isn't so many things I can offer you and..."

"Cath stop!"

She kneels in front of me. I can feel tears falling silently on my cheeks and I can't resume myself to look at her.

"Cath look at me." I don't comply. She cups my face gently with her hands whipping the tears off my face. "Cath look at me please." She repeats.

This time I comply and I look straight into her eyes. Her look is intense, it lets no room for argument, or joke. She leans in and kisses me. It's a deep kiss that convey only one emotion. One pure emotion without any doubt: Love. It destroys all my doubts in an instant, I've never felt this before with a simple kiss. She pulls away.

"I want you to listen to me attentively." She starts. I look at her again still a little shaken by the kiss. "I'm in love with you. I love you. I'm not playing with you, you are the one I want, you give me everything I want and more, you satisfy me and now that I have you I don't plan on going anywhere or letting you go." She lets her words sink in "Plus, I don't know who's that old lady you keep on talking about because I don't see her..."

"Sara..." I can help but chuckle a little.

"Cath, you could be a hundred years old, it wouldn't change my feelings for you. I love you. Period."

"I love you too." I manage to say through my tears.

I hold her tightly and let all my doubts go away.

xxxxx

Sara is sleeping on my bed. She's lying on her stomach and she's naked, she has her head facing the window and the sunlight is playing with her skin . I just take this opportunity to admire her body. More precisely her back. I had noticed the scars before, but I've never mentioned it. I don't know why but I find her back fascinating. I let my fingertips tracing some of her scars delicately. Some are cigarette burns, some are stitches, some other are just fine pale lines.

"Souvenirs from my parents." Sara's voice startles me.

I stop the exploration of my fingertips and instantly I feel her body tense. I lay my fingertips back on her and start my gentle exploration again, a moment later she's relaxed again.

"As far as I remember there has always been blows. It was all about discipline. You break the rules you get punished. Pretty simple." She continues. Her head is still facing the windows so I don't see her face. Her voice is emotionless. "There were constant rules: what happen between those walls stays between those walls because it's family business; don't ever lack respect to those who have given you life; pretend not to be."

My fingertips are caressing her back steadily. I try my best to remember myself to breathe as I feel raging anger rising in me just thinking about those people who were supposed to be her parents, who were supposed to love and protect her.

"The blows hurt the first time when the flesh is tender or when it hasn't healed from the previous round. Sometimes he would be smart enough not to leave traces, he would use the oranges bag. But sometimes he would love to see his handiwork so he would use his belt or anything that was near his hands. She was more into slaps. But you get use to it, you have to. Pain doesn't really matter as long as you remember the basic lesson: crying only make it worse." She chuckles humorlessly.

"Blows only inflict temporary wounds. Words hurt, they burn your mind forever like hot iron. Nothing was ever good enough, never. 'You're weak'; 'You're stupid'; 'You're pathetic'; 'You're a mistake'; 'You're worthless'; 'You're a failure'; 'You're lazy'; 'You're disgusting'; 'You're ugly'; 'You're nothing' " She says with a detached tone as if it wasn't her who was speaking.

I feel powerless, and she's scaring me depreciating herself like that. I want to take all her scars away those I can see and those I don't. It tightens my heart just to know that she's in pain and I can't help her. I feel guilty for all my harsh words toward her because I know that they have hit close to home. But I want to reach her, to make her see that this isn't true, that she's wonderful.

" 'You're nothing' " She repeats. "I am nothing." She says softly. My heart breaks at that.

I want to scream so much I'm mad at her pretended parents, how could they do such a thing. How can you do such a thing to someone let alone your child. I want to bring my lover back to me, back to reality, back from those memories.

I start to kiss every scar, one after the other. "You're beautiful." A kiss. "You're smart." Another kiss. "You're brilliant." Another. I try to make all the pain go away with my kisses and my love for her.

"You're generous" A kiss. "You're kind." Another. "You're sweet." Another kiss. "You're attentive." Another. "You're gorgeous." Another. "You're meaningful." Another "You're fun." Another kiss. "You're precious."

My kisses are mingling with the taste of her skin and my tears. I continue my journey over her back with my words and my kisses. I feel her shaking, so I turn her over to touch her face. I see her eyes there's no tears in them but the look she's wearing just breaks my heart, there's so much pain in them.

"You're everything to me, you're the one I love." I kiss her. "You're the one I love" I repeat after pulling back.

I hold her tightly and then I make love to her tenderly and passionately. I want her to understand what she means to me.

xxxxx

"You're staring at me." Sara says though her back is facing me.

"Yes I am." I state the obvious. Somehow I feel like she doesn't like it. "Does it bother you?"

"Let's just say I don't like feeling observed."

Don't ask me why but I feel that there's more in her answer than what she's actually saying. I don't push the matter though. The other day she opened herself to me and I know that it was hard for her to do such a thing, I'm honored she had enough trust in me to confide me those little details. So I'm patient, I'm sure she will tell me her reasons when she'll feel ready.

I've been thinking lately and even if it's only been a month and a half since we're lovers, I want her to be with me all the time. I want to be able to see her when I get home. I want to wait for her to come home and have a little time with her even if it's just to sleep in her arms. I don't want to always plan to have time together I want it to be easy and natural. I want to spend all my time with her and learn everything about her. You get the picture.

"What are you thinking about?" She is standing behind me with her arms around my waist.

"I was thinking about talking to Lindsey."

"Something important?" She smirks "Forget it, I'm being nosy." She berates herself.

"It's ok." I chuckle and kiss her cheek. "So tell me, when is your next day off?"

"I believe it's Friday" She answers pensively. "You want to go out? We could do something with Lindsey, it's been a while since we have been out together."

"Actually it's only been four days but I like the idea." I tease her.

"Alright that's settled then." She kisses me and then let her hold go. "I have to go, I want to change myself before going to work."

See? That's what I mean when I say that I want her to be with me all the time. What a waste when she has to leave me two hours before going to work just because she needs to change herself – since all her spare clothes are on the laundry. I've made up my mind, I'm going to change that.

xxxxx

Today is my day off. I get to spend the whole day with Lindsey. I have to say that when I think about what happened, her runaway I mean, even if I don't want to get through this again, it has been salutary. I don't say it's been easy, but since Lindsey has been back home we have built up again our relationship. We have taken baby steps but the result is there. We're close, we communicate with each other, we don't fight often, and we spend more time together. I have to say that Sara has played a part too. She has provided stability to Lindsey, and even if my daughter is at the age where you think that the whole world is against you, she has always someone next to her to help her to sort things out.

I'm happy because my relationship with Sara is just a new side of my family life. Sara and I have time together when work allows us to, mostly when Lindsey is at school. But with Sara everything is simple. I don't have to choose between her and my daughter. Sara always includes Lindsey when we go out, she understands when I need to be with my daughter, and she always cares about Lindsey's opinion. She provides balance in my duet with my daughter. She provides unity in my family.

Lindsey and I have decided to have a nap together before going out to the mall and having an ice cream. She tells me about her day at school. And she tells me about the boy she fancies – I inwardly pray for her to be single for another couple of years or two for I'm not ready for her to have a boyfriend yet. But we're having a good time.

"What is it like to be in love?" She asks me suddenly.

"Wow... I'm not sure I have the answer to that one."

"But you're in love with Sara, right? So tell me how does it feel like."

"It's... confusing I guess." I tell her honestly.

She frowns trying to make sense of my words. "How?"

"Well you feel invincible and weak, you want to laugh and cry, you feel scared but happy, and small and titanic all at the same time."

"Wow, you're right that's confusing." She giggles.

"You know I never thanked you for accepting my relationship with Sara. I'm glad to have such an understanding and great daughter." I say caressing her hair.

"Well, I like Sara, and she makes you happy, but mostly she doesn't take you away from me."

"Still thank you." I kiss her brow.

"No problem."

"Honey I have to ask you something." I start and wait for her to nod before I continue. "Would you be ok if I ask Sara to move in with us?"

"No" She answers in a second with a serious face and I'm taken aback by her answer. Then she bursts into laughter and I swat her on her shoulder for teasing me. "I'm just kidding mom, of course I'm ok, besides she already lives here most of the time." She answers me with a 'duh' tone.

"I meant officially."

"Like I said, she already lives here so her own set of keys would be helpful."

"Are you sure?" I ask her again. I don't want her to feel like she had to say yes.

"Yes mom." She says exasperatedly. "Does this mean I have to wear a cow bell?"

"What? Why?" I don't follow her train of thoughts rights now.

"You know, that way you two would hear me coming while you're too engross in kissing each other and playing at 'who's going to put her tongue the further in the other's throat?' " She says giggling. Please tell me she just didn't say that!

I admit Sara and I got lost in our heavy making out session sometime and we end up getting caught yet again. But I don't need a reminder!

"Oh!... You brat!" I say tickling her.

"Maybe but you love me!"

She's right I love her.

xxxxx

Friday comes and I'm a little nervous. Sara takes Lindsey and I out to a movie then we have dinner and then we drop Lindsey at one of her friend's house for the week end. Then we go home.

"I've got something for you." I say nervously.

"Really?" I just nod to answer.

"I want you to close your eyes first."

"Cath?"

"Just do it, please." I say watching her comply. "No peeking ok?" I wave my hand in front of her face to make sure she doesn't see anything.

I go to my room and come back with a package. Sara is sitting on the kitchen so I lay my burden on the table.

"Alright, you can open your eyes now." I say with excitement.

Sara's eyes go round as dinner plates when she sees the wrapped package in front of her. She looks at me with surprise . She opens her mouth to say something but nothing comes out so she shuts it up. Then she stands and gives me kiss.

"Thanks." She whispers.

"You don't even know what it is yet." I say logically.

"Still, I'm touched."

"Open it." I say with a nervous smile.

She unwraps the package and stays still when she discovers what's in it.

"Wow... That's a... rather beautiful... drawer." She says sarcastically yet amused.

"It's for your stuff. There's something inside." I tell her quickly.

She takes the velvet little box inside the drawer and looks at it intently. I think I'm going to have a heart attack if she doesn't open it soon. She, at last, decides to open it. As soon as she sees the content I start to think that maybe this was a bad idea.

"Something's telling me these aren't the keys of a new car." She jokes.

"You're right. They're the keys of the house." I take deep breath. "Would you accept to move in with me?" I ask without breathing.

Sara looks at me suddenly, her smile falters instantly. She starts to mimic the fish out of water. Then she reverts her eyes to the velvet box and stares at it.

Two words: Bad idea. No wait make that three: Very bad idea.

* * *

**So far I've decided not to put them through to much stress or bad things, you know, I've decided to play nice... for now... anyway. I'd like to apologise because I won't update before a little while, I'm leaving for new year's eve ;). Once again thanks for the reviews, you rock!!**

**Thanks for reading ;)**

**So**


	35. Chapter 35

**Bonne Année 2007 tout le monde et meilleurs voeux! Happy new year 2007 everyone and best wishes!! I'm back still a little destroyed from my party -I haven't slept yet and I just came back from my trip, I was in the end of the world so no internet and I was lucky if I could call my family with my cell ;)... Anyway I'm back for a little update , the least I can do for this new year. I wish you the best, happiness, love, and everything you hope for this new year. Thank you for your reviews you are awesome!! **

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: Maximillian I got your point, but don't worry if I had taken Sara's side so far it's because I wanted to explore her dark side only after bringing her with Catherine...

* * *

Chapter 35: Sara **

I am officially brain dead.

Let me get things straight. Cath and I went out today with Cake. We went at the theatre and then we had dinner before dropping Cake at a friend and heading back to Catherine's home. Or should I just say home. You see the thing is that Catherine just asked me to move in with her, I feel like it was a lifetime ago but I'm pretty sure it was only something like two minutes ago.

My mind just went blank at that moment out of surprise and overdose of joy. I mean, this is way too good to be true. Somewhere I'm sure I'm just daydreaming. I'm still recovering from the fact that I'm with her and that she actually loves me back, but this, this is just the cherry on top of the cake. Too much good things is a little suspicious for me, makes me think that I must have been a saint in a previous life because there's no way I deserve what I actually have.

"Honey, please say something."

"Something." I hear myself say in a whisper.

Not the smartest thing to say because Catherine starts to bolt out of the kitchen but I catch her before she gets to the living room. She looks pretty upset. And I just start to feel my synaptic connections working again.

"Bad time for jokes, sorry." I start. She doesn't look at me. "You're serious about that?"

"Look if you don't want to I'll understand, it might be too fast. It was a stupid idea, just forget it ok." She says to the wall she's looking at.

"This is the most beautiful gift someone ever made me. And there's nothing I want more than living here with you." I say without breathing.

"Sara, just forget it ok I know I shouldn't have... What?" She brings her gaze to my eyes.

"Yes I would like very much to move in with you." I repeat.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to." She says unsure.

"Cath, this is what I want." She scrutinizes me for a moment. "One condition though."

"What?"

"I want to be sure Lindsey is ok about that first."

She smiles brightly and kisses me passionately.

xxxxx

So I've moved in with Catherine last month and well life couldn't be any better. We agreed on a deal. I keep my apartment as a safety just in case it doesn't work well, in case it's effectively too fast for us to live together. Of course we had to adjust things a little but generally speaking everything is working like a charm so far.

We told the boys at work about us two days ago around a dinner. They took the new pretty well, I have to say. First there's been a long stretched silence and blank stares. Then Warrick announced happily to Greg and Nick that they owed him fifty bucks. Can you believe it?!

Men!!…

The first bet was for when Catherine and I would fight physically and the second one was for another kind of physical involvement. They're unbelievable!!

A part of me wanted to kick their asses badly, and I would have done it if Grissom hadn't reasoned me about it not being a good idea. But I don't care because I'm pretty sure that Cath will give Nick and Warrick nice decomps for their next cases, so I let them have fun.

Grissom was happy for me, and Greg told me that he was glad that it was Catherine and not some loser like Hank. As for Warrick and Nick as big brothers they just told me that they only want their 'little sister' to be happy.

xxxxx

Tonight Cake is at Nancy, so Cath and I are enjoying a little privacy. We've been teasing each other in foreplays for a little while now. She's kissing my neck, and suddenly there's that old smell filling my nostrils, my body tenses immediately as I have a flash back.

"Honey?" Catherine asks me concerned. "Did I hurt you?"

My eyes are wide open, yet I can feel my fears trying to creep back onto the surface. Focus Sara, you're with Catherine. I take a deep breath and try to set my pulse down.

"No, you didn't."

"Is everything ok?" She asks.

"Yeah." I kiss her to be more convictive.

I fight the nausea and I fight my memories now isn't the time for letting them overpowered me. 'You're with Catherine, you're with Catharine', I keep repeating myself. Catherine pulls away and looks at me strangely.

"Sara, are you sure everything is ok?"

No, everything is not ok. I need to forget and I need to feel. There's this feeling I hate that is slowly taking possession of me. I start to shake slightly as I'm becoming everything I don't want to be. As I start to lose control of myself. My vision becomes blurry and there's rage burning my skin. I start to squeeze Catherine waist a little hard.

"Sara?" Her voice is a mix of fear and misunderstanding. _Sweet melody_.

I start to kiss her violently, my caresses become aggressive. For some reason I'm seeking for violence and pain. I'm plunging straight in the dark side inside me and free all those things I've learnt to bottle up. My desire is insane, I know it but a part of me is enjoying it and that part is actually erasing all my good sense. Right now I don't see Cath as my lover, I see her as my prey.

Catherine doesn't understand what's going on but she doesn't complain. Instead she's giving me back all that violence. I don't know if she's enjoying this, but she's not stopping me. Our embrace is wild, it's like we were fighting each other. I end up biting her almost to the blood on her shoulder when she comes, while she digs her nails into the flesh of my back racking it without ceremony.

xxxxx

Catherine is lying in my arms sleeping trying to recover from our embrace earlier. I can't sleep, I keep thinking of what I've done. I'm disgusting myself right now. This is not who I am.

I fucked Catherine. This wasn't anything but raw sex, it wasn't about feelings, this wasn't lovemaking, it was nothing but raw dirty sex. I feel nauseous just thinking that I have stained our relationship like that. How could I do that to her when I love her?

I get out of bed trying to calm my nerves. I take a shower because I feel dirty right now. Disgust is sweating from all my pores. I let water running on my body but I know it's useless as I know all the feeling of disgust is inside.

After my shower I go sit on the ledge of the kitchen window and watch outside trying to make sense to what happened. I'm fearing what is to come.

I've just opened Pandora's box. Nothing's good can come out from this. I know what's coming, me going back to my very personal hell.

It's a regular thing with me. Whenever everything is fine I start to have crises. The firsts are pretty inoffensive so to speak but then it gets from bad to worse. Generally I would isolate myself so I can regain control of myself. I don't trust myself, I know what's on my mind and honestly I'm scare of what I could do. I can afford losing control. I know I can be dangerous for people around me. That's why I always manage to be alone when I feel crises coming, that way the only person I hurt is me. Plus I won't have to explain what's going on.

How can you possibly explain that sometimes it's like you were back in the arms of you tormentor. Back in the places you fear the most? How can you possibly explain that without people thinking you are mad?

I can't tell that to Catherine. I don't want to turn away from her either. I'm trapped and it's just a question of time before I start suffocating, with all my mess.

xxxxx

"Good morning." I say flatly. I don't bother turning around to acknowledge Catherine presence. Truth to be told I don't feel like I can face her. I haven't moved from my spot against the window for hours.

"How do you know I was here?" She asks me, I can hear the amusement in her voice.

"Told you I didn't like feeling observed." My tone is far from being kind.

I turn to her and see hurt in her eyes. Great. She averts her eyes and starts to make some coffee. She busies herself making a breakfast. There is tension in the room enough to choke in it. She's risking some nervous looks at me every minute. I feel like she' was afraid of me, I can't blame her. I can see the angry mark of my teeth on her shoulder and disgust flows again in my veins.

"I'm sorry." I say breaking the silence.

"What for?" She asks surprised.

"Losing control like I did." I look at her shoulder again. "For treating you like I did."

She stands and comes next to me. There's confusion in her eyes. "I didn't complain." She says smirking a bit.

"I didn't let you that option." I spit out sickened and avert my eyes from hers.

She frowns and I can feel her looking at me intently. "Honey, last night might have been rough but I was willing." She caresses my face and force me to look at her again. "I could have stopped you at any moment but I didn't, because I wanted it as well. Trust me."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You didn't." _Not yet_ is the mental response that resounds in my head.

She just takes me in her arms and holds me. I know this doesn't make much sense to her but I can't explain the rest. I don't want to lose her.

xxxxx

Things are a little bit awkward since my little crisis two weeks ago. I feel uneasy around Catherine. It takes me time to relax to her presence. I don't think she has noticed it – if she did, she's chosen not to mention it – but honestly it disturbs me. So I'm thinking and doubting of my ability to give her something good in this relationship.

"Are you ready to head home?" Catherine asks me in the locker room.

She has stuck around a bit to wait for my shift to end.

"Yeah. But if you don't mind we have to stop at my apartment there's something I need to take."

"Sure. I'll wait for you by the car."

The ride to my place is silent. I'm lost in my thoughts, I'm trying to figure out how I can fix my little problems.

"Honey?" Catherine's voice takes me away from my reverie.

"Yeah?"

"We're here." She states.

She's about to exit the car but I hold her back and kiss her. I pull away and she smiles to me.

"Why was that for?" She asks.

"I just wanted to." I shrug.

We exit the car. I take her hand in mine and we walk to the entry of my building. I feel like we weren't alone.

"At last I'm in heaven." A male voice says behind us. It can't be.

My heart starts to beat faster. There's only one person who greets me that way. I don't turn around but I answer.

"Heaven? Young man you must be mistaken."

"No doubt, I'm in heaven for I can see you my personal Eden." The voice answers me back.

God I've missed this voice. I feel a smile forming itself on my lips. I let go Catherine's hand and turn around slowly. Surely he's there standing in front of me. He doesn't move, he just waits for me to make the first step, as always. And I do. I walk slowly to the man and stop only two feet away from him. Our eyes are locked, you wouldn't believe all the things we're saying to each other at this very moment. Those green eyes used to be my only reason to breathe.

I take him in my arms and instantly I feel his arms encircling my waist. He lifts me up from the ground and hold me hard enough to hurt but I don't mind. The world just disappears around us. It's strange how hold habits stay. This embrace is as perfect as it has always been. After a moment he puts me down the ground we break the embrace but not the proximity.

Lovers once, lovers always will be.

Our faces are only inches away. One of his hands is cupping my cheek the other is still on my waist.

"Hello." He simply says with a soft smile.

"Hello." I breathe out. "How? When?"

"Plane and car, just an hour ago." He answers logically. He puts his forehead against mine. "I've been missing you Sunshine."

"I've been missing you too."

We finally break our embrace, putting some space between us and letting the world reappearing around us. I realize that Catherine is there.

"There's someone I'd like you to meet." I announce. I turn around I take his hand and lead him to Catherine. "Catherine this is Travis Carter, my best friend. Travis this is Catherine Willows."

Travis looks at me with a knowing look before taking the hand of Catherine. "Pleasure to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too" Catherine answers.

Something's hit me and I realize why I'm here.

"The phone call." I state with a chuckle.

Travis turns to me and smirks "I just wanted to be sure you would come here."

I just shake my head at that. "You still have your keys?" I ask him.

"Sure." He replies.

"Well go on and make yourself comfortable." I pause and think of something. "Do you want me to come with you to set yourself down?"

"Nah, it's ok. I'll be fine."

"Alright then."

He hugs me again. "It's good to see you again."

"Ditto."

"I just wanted to let you know I was there, now that it's done, I'll let you two go I'm sure you have better things to do. I call you later." He says.

"Sure."

He hug me briefly and kisses me on the cheek. "Bye Sunshine." He extend his hand to Catherine who returns the gesture. "Catherine."

Then he takes his bag and head to my apartment.

I can't believe he's here. I'm so glad he's here.


	36. Chapter 36

**Ok, so for this chapter I advise you to learn the rules for counting the points at Tennis for those who don't know how because... well I don't know I had this idea which seemed good and I liked it but now I start to think that maybe it wasn't... I guess you'll see.**

**enjoy ;)**

**So

* * *

Chapter 36: Catherine **

Travis Carter. The first name on my black list. The only name on my black list.

Travis Carter, Sara's best friend. A handsome man, tall athletic, green piercing eyes, dark hair, charisma oozing from him. He is something. And in other circumstances I'm sure I would have fallen for him. I'm pretty sure every woman who has crossed his way had.

Sara and I were going to her apartment because she needed to take something in it and suddenly out of nowhere this guy appeared. They greeted each other in a rather strange way but I can tell you it's not what bothered me the most.

As soon as Sara had recognized his voice it has been like I didn't exist anymore. Then they embraced each other. And the ugly monster of jealousy came out of his hiding place inside me not so much because of the embrace but because of the way this jerk was touching my girlfriend. You should have seen that, there was barely space between them and I even thought that he was actually about to kiss her! It has taken all my will not to give into the need to rip him apart. But I'm mad at Sara too because she didn't seem to mind.

They have been lovers, that's for sure. The way they looked at each other. It was all in their touch, in the way they react around one another. I know what you're going to tell me. I also thought that Nancy and Sara were lovers because they were closed. But this was definitely different.

I'm pissed at Sara for the way she introduced me to him. She didn't mention to him that I was her lover. And I'm mad at her because for a moment I felt like I was no one in particular for her. And the way they seemed in their world, I felt like I was invisible.

When I shook is hand he looked at me straight in the eyes and I felt bare, uncomfortable. And the look he sent to Sara at that moment, I don't know the whole scene was weird.

But that jerk was acting like he was with Sara! And that made me want to tear him into little pieces!

Wait a minute. He's staying at Sara's apartment. No there's actually better, he has the keys of Sara's apartment. How come? I mean even I, don't have this set of keys!

It's going to be a long agitated day, no doubt about that!

xxxxx

The drive home is silent I'm trying not to implode from all my thinking, but Sara doesn't seem to mind since she's lost in her thoughts, probably thinking about that jerk, judging from the smile on her lips that hasn't faded since we left him.

I'm pissed off. Really pissed off.

We get inside. Sara is in a happy mood, in an affectionate mood. It's strange; she's been a little tensed since our rough lovemaking. She had literally rejected me. But I held on so she didn't totally close herself to me.

I admit that I was surprised by this side of her. Surprised but not disappointed or offended. Sara on the other hand seemed to have a problem with it. And since then she's been weird. Usually – like now, she's touchy and really demonstrative, but those last two weeks every single touch have come from me and she almost made everything to avoid physical contact. I didn't call her on it. I know her, and I know that if I force her to talk to me though she's not ready, she will retreat on her shell and never coming out of it again.

There's something else. I don't know how to explain it but before things started to get... well... wild, it seemed like she... I don't know like she wasn't really with me. It doesn't make sense I know. But for a second it seemed like something was wrong. I didn't push her at the moment. And since she's been, I don't know, I'd say distant.

And for the last two weeks it was more like she was forcing herself to please me rather than being with me. For the last two weeks she wasn't there in our lovemaking, physically she was there but her mind wasn't with me. The first time I let it slide but after the second time I just stop reaching for that kind of intimacy, it was way too weird. I felt like I was making love with a stranger.

And today suddenly she's back to who she was before, like nothing happened. The worse in all this is that I know I'm not the reason she's like that. Travis is. She's happy right now because of him and this feeling makes her feel better. But I'm not the real object or reason of her affection and that is making me sick.

"I need a shower." Sara states. She is behind me, encircling me in her arms and kissing my neck. "I wouldn't mind some company." She teases me.

Today I'm not in the mood. As enjoyable as her closeness is, it doesn't feel right like it usually is, like it's supposed to be. I get out of her embrace and turn to face her knowing that she's surprised by my move.

"Not now, I'm tired and I'd like to go to bed as soon as possible." I see confusion passes through her eyes. I've never denied her before. "Sweetie, we can't take a shower together because it will take hours to take our hands off each other." I say lightly.

"It has never been a problem before." She chuckles in a vain attempt to cover the hurt. "Come on, I promise I'll behave." She tries again

"Honey, I'm really..."

"Tired." She cuts me off. Her tone is a little harsh and that makes me lose the little patience I had. There in two seconds we start to play our old game 'who will have the last word?'. Right now she knows that it has nothing to do with the shower thing or my supposed tiredness, but I won't back off. First because I need some answers, then because it pisses me off that she doesn't see what's going on.

It's like playing tennis. We throw mean words at each other and don't stop until the quietus. We stare at each other with fire in our eyes. Game's on.

_Service Sidle._

"I heard you the first time." She says after a short pause not leaving my gaze. Her look is cold, and I know that she won't let me off the hook.

_15/ 0_

"Don't be like that. It's not the end of the world you know. " I reply coldly.

_15/ A_

I don't like this, I know we're heading to our old battlefield. Since we've been together, we haven't gone back there for real. Of course we have had divergence of opinions but we never argued like we used to. Like it's happening right now.

"I know that." She snorts. " Come on give me some credit, I'm not like that!" She spits angrily.

_30/ 15_

"Well you should see your face then, because you look liked I just killed your puppy!"

_30/ A_

I don't want this, so I take a deep breath to calm myself down. "Don't be mad for stupid things like this."

_30/ 40_

"_I_ am not mad." She says.

_40/ A_

"What is that supposed to mean?" I'm mad for good now. "Look just because I don't want to take a shower with you doesn't mean I'm mad. Gees! I just told you I was tired!"

_Advantage Willows_. Ok no it's just a matter of time for the lethal blow to come.

She glares at me clearly thinking 'yeah right'.

"Go to hell Sara." I sigh heavily.

_Game Willows. Service Willows._ Now would be a good time to back off and grow up again but I can't stop myself. "Gees, what are you? 15?" I say dismissively. There we've reached the point of no return. Whatever is coming is going to be ugly and painful. 'Sara the fighter' is coming out to play, I can see it in her eyes.

_15/ 0_

"You do remember what we do for living right?" She asks out of the blue.

_15/ A_

"What??"

_15/ 30_

"Please, tiredness?"

_15/ 40_

"Yes Sara, I'm tired." I say harshly.

_30/ 40_

"Cath, don't insult my intelligence, will you."

_Game Sidle. Service Sidle._

She averts her eyes for a moment then gets back to me. "I might not have your people skills but I'm not that dense." She snorts.

_15/ 0  
_

"What the hell do you want me to say?!" I shout at her.

_15/ A_

"Tell me you're pissed off, tell me why, have a go at me if it can make you feel better, but don't you dare making me pass for some horny teenager who doesn't think of anything but getting laid!" Her tone is calm but the way she's speaking is nothing but.

_30/ 15_

Being an investigator gives you skills to decipher people, call on their bluffs, and call on their lies. I should have known she wouldn't let me go with my lame excuse. She wants to know what's wrong, well she will.

"Who am I for you Sara?"

_30/ A_

Her head snaps at my question. She was lost in her thoughts, but now she's looking at me with nothing but hurt and anger.

"What kind of question is that?" she says angrily.

_30/ 40_

"You're avoiding it." I reply

_Deus_

She looks at me searching for I don't know what in my eyes. I think she doesn't know what I'm asking her, what I'm expecting from her.

"You're my lover." She answers with a quiet voice.

_Advantage Sidle_

"Funny. Because you see, sometimes I doubt that."

_Deuce_

"You're my lover Cath." She repeats forcefully. "What are you talking about?"

_Advantage Sidle_

I know I've touched a sensitive chord with this remark.

"What am I talking about huh?" I snorts humorlessly. "Catherine this is Travis Carter, my best friend. Travis this is Catherine Willows." I mimic her earlier "This is Catherine Willows. No one in particular." I can feel tears burning my eyes so I look up in order to contain them.

_Deuce_

"The reason I didn't specify that you were my lover is partly because I was caught in the euphoria of the moment and partly because he already knows that." She says with a shaky voice.

_Advantage Sidle_

I look at her but she avoids her pain filled eyes. I'm mad at myself for putting this look on her face, but she hurt me back there. I'm not making her feel guilty out of revenge, I just want her to understand that sometimes she hurts me even if she doesn't intend to.

"Well put yourself in my shoes, imagine what it felt like..."

_Deuce_

"I didn't mean for it to sound like I was ashamed of you or like I was hiding you." She says gently.

_Advantage Sidle_

"It's not only about that Sara!" I say frustrated.

_Deuce_

Better telling her everything now than waiting to have another fight. She's looking at me not understanding my words.

"You've been rejecting me and my touch for the last two weeks. You've been distant and not at ease around me. You don't talk to me, just reject me... I don't know where I stand, I don't know who I am for you... You can't just do that, rejecting me and ignoring me, then coming back again whenever you want and expecting me to be alright with it. And now you're all affectionate around me because of someone else. I'm sorry to tell you this but it doesn't feel right." I pass a hand on my cheeks to whip off my tears. "That's what I mean when I ask you to put yourself in my shoes."

_Advantage Willows_

She's barely looking at me. I expect her to tell me something, anything. But she just shrugs. "I'm sorry" She manages to say after a while. Then she turns her back on me and starts to leave. For a moment I think she's going in our bedroom but she grabs her keys on the bar, turns to the main door and get out of the house without a word. I start to sob. I feel heartbroken. At the same time I'm mad at myself because I know that right now I've made Sara feel even worse than I actually do.

_Game, set and match Willows._

xxxxx

She's not coming back. I've taken a shower to cool down and put some distance with our argument. I've been pacing in our bedroom for the last hour. No calls, no signs, nothing. I don't know where she is, I don't know what she could do, and I'm choking into despair. I need her. I'm scared and I want us to get together again. What if it was the end? No I have not to think like that!

We had an argument. So what? Big deal, every couple does! Yeah but this is Sara we're talking about.

We love each other, we'll overcome this. I mean, she wouldn't break up with me without saying so, right?

I'm really mad at her for reacting the way she does. She always does this. We have an argument and suddenly it would be like she was a teenager she would go and lock herself in a room to pout. Well maybe it's not as simple as that but generally speaking it is. She always act as she was the only one with insecurities. She always manages to make me feel guilty.

But I'm not ok with that. I do have insecurities, I do have fears, and it scares the hell out of me to be in relationship – a real one. Yet she's always the one to turn away from me and fleeing when we have a disagreement.

I don't care having arguments, I just want us to sort things out together. It seems like for the past two weeks she tried to sort things out, but by herself hence me being rejected. But I can't do this. I'm not a toy, I'm not a yo-yo, and the 'pushing-pulling' games is not my favorite.

But all this doesn't matter now. I want her to come back, I want to know that we are ok, I want us to be together. I want to be sure that, what's between us is still there, untouched.

I know, I hurt her. But I only said the truth. Ok, I should have faced the problem directly instead of turning it into a fight. Yes, because that's what I did, I provoked a fight.

There's no doubt that my anger wasn't uncalled for, I mean it was grounded on real reasons, real and fair. But those reasons mixed all together gave birth to powerful emotions in me. Like I said before, I don't know how to deal with those but fighting, yelling and being mean. Because I feel vulnerable, and I hate feeling vulnerable, so I defend myself by fighting.

I know, I know, there's not so much logic in there, but I never said I was logic, did I? And don't you dare ask me to be logical when it comes to my feelings and my heart! Anyway I know I have to fix this lovely side of me. But truth to be told I'm not the only one not to know how to deal with my emotions.

Which brings me back to Sara. Two hours since we fought and she still isn't back. I tried to call her but she doesn't answer. I left her messages asking her to come back home so we could talk calmly. I begged her to come back and said that I loved her.

Two hours, thirteen minutes and still nothing. Crap!

I sit on the bed and let my panic overwhelm me. I messed up. I'm sure she has broken up with me. Why do I have to be like that? Unable to deal normally with whatever's bothering me? Why do I always need to fight?

I bury my head in my hands and start to cry. I want Sara to come back, I don't want it to be over.

xxxxx

I wake up at the sound of the shower running. Sara's back! Either that or Lindsey is back home while she is supposed to be at school – which mean there's another argument on its way.

I get up from the bed and start to pace like a tiger. Questions are assaulting my mind and so is panic. The water stops and there is movements in the bathroom. I try to calm my heart but there's no use. On the other hand I don't feel ready to face her just yet. What irony when it's what I've been seeking for the past… Three hours! She's been gone for three hours!

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to wait in the bedroom. I'm going to wait for her to come to me, when she's ready.

So I wait. I hear the bathroom door being opened. My heart is close to destroying my ribcage. I can feel Sara's presence behind the door, but she doesn't open it instead she turns away. I hear her footsteps going to the living room. I wait again, but I don't have patience in me so after a minute or two I get out of our room.

She's sitting on the couch her elbows on her knees and her hands covering her face. I face her and sit on the coffee table. She doesn't moves but I know she's aware of my presence. I don't say anything, partly because I don't know what to say and partly because I'm afraid to say something that will make her runaway again.

"I'm so scared." She confesses me in a whisper. Her face is still buried in her hand.

It's her way to hide from me. I just look at her, not willing to push her. That's when I notice that the knuckles of her left hand are covered with a thin layer of blood.

I take a deep breath and reach for her hand. She's startled by the contact but she lets me take her hand in mine. She's staring at the floor as if ashamed of herself. I caress the knuckle delicately, she doesn't flinch.

"Honey, what have you done to yourself?" I ask her, thought the rather vivid memory of her hitting a wall are passing in my head like a bad moving stuck on repeat.

"I hit a tree." She says after a moment still looking at the floor.

She tries to withdraw her hand but I don't let her. I reach for her face and cup her right cheek, forcing her to acknowledge me in the process. She has that look that breaks my heart.

"Let's take care of this hand ok." I say gently. I guess that my maternal instincts have kicked in. "Don't go anywhere ok?" I wait for her nod before I disappear in the bathroom to take the first aid kit.

When I come back she hasn't moved from an inch. She's staring at the floor. I resume my position on the coffee table. I take care of her hand.

"Why?" I ask, I don't need to voice the rest of the question but I know she has understood me.

"I don't know I just… I needed to hit something hard I guess." She shrugs

She still doesn't look at me, instead she seems transfixed by her hand. I finish banding it. I keep her hand in mine and for a moment none of us speak.

"I'm sorry." She starts. "I don't want to hurt you, I'm so scared to hurt you… But it seems that the more I try not to hurt you, the more I do hurt you…"

Since she refuses to look at me, it's like she was talking to our linked hands. Somewhere it frustrates me but I give her time. She takes a deep breath and finally she rises her head up. Our eyes met for the first time. Her look is hard to decipher. It wavers between pain, shyness, and loss.

"I love you Cath, I really do. I don't want you to doubt that because that's one of the rare things I'm sure of in my life. I love you. I know that sometimes I'm hard to follow but… It's just that I'm not used to this." She stops as if looking for words.

"What?" I call her back to me. "You can tell me." I say caressing her hand.

"This, being with someone… I mean… I'm not good at relationships and… sometimes I feel out of my depth… I don't mean to be like this… I'm sorry, I hurt you…" She averts her eyes for a moment.

"I'm sorry too." Her head snaps back at me. "I hate it when we fight. And… Me too, I'm not good at relationships. But I want us to work and we do pretty well so far." I smile weakly. "I love you too."

For a moment it's like she was surprised by this simple fact. I know there's a lot to talk about but right now I just want to lie in our bed, entangle my body with hers and get some rest. I stand and tug at her and but she doesn't move.

"Come on, let's go to bed. We'll talk after."

"You're sure… You want me near?" She asks me.

"Don't be silly… Why wouldn't I?" I intended to make a joke but I can see that she's serious.

"Well, we had a fight… I thought…"

"Baby" I cut her off. I kneel in front of her and cup her face with my hands, making her looking at me. "Baby, just because we had a fight doesn't mean I don't want to be near you or that I don't love you anymore. It just means that we had a fight, and that there's some things to talk about. I love you and I want to be near you all the time ok?"

She just nods and manages a weak smile. I stand again, but again she doesn't follow my lead.

"I'll be in a few minutes ok." She says.

I hold her gaze for a moment, but I understand her need for space so I don't ask anything and go to our bedroom.

xxxxx

I lied in bed five minutes ago, Sara hasn't joined me yet. I'm about to stand and go look for her but then the door opens itself. Sara appears and for the first time it looks like she was lost in the room, like she didn't know what she was supposed to do.

She sits on the bed and after a moment she lays on the covers. I'm seeking for her touch but I don't want to spoil things so I don't rush into her arms. We're sharing our first really awkward moment. The silence and the tension are thick. Personally I can't take much more of this.

"I…" Sara starts but trails off. She snorts and starts again. "I never had a puppy…"

"What?"

All my thoughts stop dead. This didn't even figure on the list of the last things I was expecting to hear right now. But as I catch her reference her statement has the desired effect. It effectively dissipates the tension in the instant.

I look at Sara who's looking at me with a straight face. "Well, it's true I never did. So you know…" She says. "I did have a turtle though." She adds seriously as an after thought. "Franklin."

I break into laughter. I'm laughing hard enough to almost forget how to breathe. Sara doesn't goof around often but when she does she always scores. My eyes are watering so much I'm laughing. Sara's just looking at me with a huge smile. After a little time I regain some control over myself.

"I love that when you laugh." She states.

"I love it when you make me laugh." I reply. I shift my position so I can kiss her. It's a light kiss, but it feels good.

"Can I sleep in your arms?" She asks shyly.

"It's not an option."

We arrange our position so she's resting her head on my shoulder. One of her arm is on my stomach, while my arms are encircling her possessively.

At last, I'm home.

* * *

**So I brought Cath and Sara together, I could have make some kind of fluffy happy end, but to my taste they don't deserve it just yet, so I've decided to put their love to test to see if it could last - no I'm not evil, I just like playing god... Anyway beside I have plenty of ideas and I want to make this in one shot - I don't like the idea of a sequel - so anyway as long as you're willing to bear with me...**

**Thanks for reading and one more time happy new year ;)**

**So**


	37. Chapter 37

**I'm back with more, thanks for your reviews you rock! Ok so now I have everything clear in mind, I know exactly where I want this story to go... Anyway here's four more chapters.**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So

* * *

**

Chapter 37: Sara

I'm fixing something to eat for Catherine and I, since we had a fight we didn't take the time to have a breakfast.

So, we had our first fight, our very first lovers fight. I'd like to say it will be the last, but let's just keep it real.

Now you have seen my super power in all its wonder. Isn't it great? I tell you what, I'm a generous person so if any of you want to share it with me, please let me know, because I really don't mind.

After our fight I ran away – maturity is my middle name – look I just didn't know what to do. The only thing I know is that I could feel a crisis coming so I went away before losing it. I managed to find a tree in the middle of nowhere to let it all go.

Anyway I came back and well I apologized and tried to explain Catherine what was on my mind. It hasn't been really clear but I did my best.

So here I am in the kitchen taking care of her to amend myself. We're sitting around the kitchen table eating in a relaxed silence. Catherine is fixing me.

"What?" I ask

She doesn't answer and just take my hand in hers. She entwines our fingers and looks at our linked hands like it was the seventh wonder of the world.

"It used to be one of my fantasies you know." She states. "Holding your hand during our breakfast." She elaborates. "You remember the day you gave the Frankenstein book to Lindsey?" I nod. "I couldn't help but wanting to take your hand in mine. I wanted to kiss you. I was thinking that you were beautiful in spite of your tiredness. At that time my feelings for you were unbearable, it was depressing to think that you would never return my feelings."

I feel my heart melt inside with love. I kiss her deeply because right now I can't find word to express what I feel. We pull away after a moment resting our foreheads against one another. She caresses my face gently and I can see a little glimpse of sadness in her eyes.

"Those last two weeks have been hard for me…" She starts and I can feel myself flinch a bit.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" I say ashamed of myself.

"I know. Believe me I do. I'm sorry for fighting with you this morning." She sighs. "Baby, I don't ask for you to tell me everything in the instant. I can wait for you to be ready. All I want is for you to talk to me, tell me what you want. I'd rather hear you ask me to give you a little space or time for yourself than having you rejecting me without a word."

"I'm sorry" I struggle to find something else to say. Something better than that.

"I know. But I need you to help me to understand you. I want to know what's going on your mind. I'm here for you all the time. We can't go anywhere if you don't talk to me. You need to trust me."

"I trust you!." I tell her. "I do… it's just… it's hard for me to talk… I'm not used to talk…"

That and the fact that what I have to say isn't good to hear. I wish I could talk easily, but the last time I did it didn't went well and since then I learnt to keep everything for myself. And I don't want to lose her, which is what will happen if she finds out who I truly am.

"I do realize that and I'm patient. I just don't want you to close yourself to me when something bothers you."

I chuckle suddenly when I realize something. She's puzzled I can tell.

"What irony… don't you feel the taste of déjà vu? Except that our parts are reversed."

She thinks about it a bit and then grins a little.

"I won't lie to you it's going to take time but I promise you that I will try to talk to you in the future." I tell her honestly.

This is no lie. If I can manage to keep my dirty little secrets with me and overcome my demons then everything will be find. I want to preserve our relationship from those.

"That's all I'm asking." She answers and then leans in to kiss me lightly.

I know we're not out of the wood yet but it's good to know that everything is settling down. In the past I would have been far away already turning the page and moving on. But this time it's different I know that I can't just do that now and I don't want to.

"Tell me about him." She asks me out of the blue.

"Who?"

"Travis."

I can see that she isn't comfortable talking about it. But at the time she's genuinely curious.

There are three very important peoples in my life that have given me so much that I won't ever stop to be grateful. Three peoples who know me, who changed my life, without whom I'd feel incomplete. First there's my brother Devon, in spite of everything we have manage to stay a family; Keenan and Travis my guardian angels, they came into my life at different times but without both of them I wouldn't be here, alive.

"Well… he's my best friend." I start.

"I think I remember that part." She jokes.

"I was serious when I said that he knows about us and who you are for me." I say feeling the need to clear the air. "You know he and I speak a lot on regular bases. He knows that I love you for a bit more than a year now and I can assure you that he has an earful of you since we're together."

She seems relieved when I tell her that and also a little amused.

"Tell me about him then."

I take her hand and kiss it before telling her anything. I take a deep breath, I don't know if she realizes it but besides my brother, she's the first person and will probably be the only one to know what I'm about to say.

"He's my first everything." I pause. It's weird because I actually never voice those things. "He's the first person who gave me respect and who didn't look at me like I was some freak. He's the first person who treated me like his equal. He's the first person I've ever completely trusted – besides my brother that is. He's the first person who actually trusted in me. He's my first real friend. He's the first who didn't give up on me." I take another breath. "He's my first boyfriend, my first love…" I pause as I feel heat rising up my face "He's… my first… lover."

I do realize that I haven't said much yet I feel drained already. It's hard to reveal so much of myself all at once, especially when I'm talking about Travis. It's one of the most precious things of my secret garden and I don't like to share it.

"Wow." Cath answers, with a bit of amazement.

"I'd like you to meet him properly." I announce her, changing the topic. "So I was thinking that you could come and have a breakfast with us tomorrow after shift."

"Are you sure? I mean, you might want to have some time with him alone first."

"Don't worry he and I will have our time later, I'd really want you to come tomorrow." I say with a shy grin.

"It seems important for you."

"It is…" I feel uncertain for a moment. I want her to realize that it is one of the closest things to a family reunion she would ever get, at least from my side. "So… will you join us?"

"Sure."

"Good." I answer before leaning in to kiss her.

xxxxx

Catherine and I have just finished our shift and now we're headed to the diner where Travis is waiting for us. I feel excited like always, like there was electricity running through me, making lightheaded and high.

I park the car and cut the ignition.

"I know it's stupid but I feel… nervous." Cath confesses.

"Cath?" I wait for her to look at me before saying anything else. "He doesn't eat people… well not anymore… but it's going to be fine." Apparently my attempt to joke failed since she's looking at me like a rabbit caught in headlights. "Hey that was a joke… granted it was a lame one but still."

She just nods. I cup her face and kiss her. "It's ok. If you can't relax, just hold on my hand. Everything is going to be fine." I try to reassure her. Again she just nods.

We get out of the car and head to the diner. Cath is holding my hand tightly. As we enter the diner I whisper that I love her in her ear and she relaxes herself a bit.

Travis is waiting for us to a table. He rises up as we approach him. He gives me a quick hug and a peck on the cheek.

"Hey Sunshine." He greats me.

"Hey"

He turns to Catherine. And extends his hand to her. "Catherine."

Travis stays stands as we sit in the booth. Once we're settled, he sits. Ever the gentleman.

"Have you ordered yet?" I ask him.

"No, since I didn't know what Catherine would take I've been waiting for the two of you to arrive."

"So you're assuming you know what I'll take." I say looking at him intently.

He looks at his watch and looks back to me. "30 seconds and you're already insulting me." He pauses. "You're getting lazy on your timing though." He replies.

I hold his gaze for a moment. Then I turn to Catherine who's silently enjoying the banter.

"Our tradition is to order the same thing we had on our last meal – which was a breakfast this time, so we can pick up thing exactly where we left them…" I explain her.

"…So it symbolizes a certain continuity." She finishes my sentence. "Makes sense." She says.

I can tell that she's no more nervous as confidence starts to ooze from her. I love it when our mind works together in a perfect osmosis. It's like when we're working together on a scene. I love this woman.

The waiter comes to us and asks for our orders. Catherine orders first then it's Travis and I turn.

"The lady here will have scrambled eggs with a tomato cut in slices, chocolate pancakes, a fruit salad and a big glass of orange juice." Travis states looking at me intently.

"And the gentleman here will have scrambled eggs, French toasts, a piece of strawberry pie and a coffee, black." I say without hesitation not leaving Travis' eyes. We both put our poker faces on.

As the waiter goes away, Travis turns his attention to Catherine. "I'm glad to be able to at last put a face on your name. And I have to say…" He pauses and turns to me "… shame on you Sunshine because you didn't do her justice." He says seriously.

"I did my best." I reply.

His eyes linger discreetly on my injured hand and I know what he thinks as his smile falters a bit, but I don't want to talk about that now.

"Travis." I warn him. My voice is sharp and leaves no room for argument.

"Sunshine." He answers sweetly locking his eyes with mine and then sighs. He reverts his attention to Cath. "So tell me. How did you two meet?"

"I believe you already know that." Cath replies gently amused.

"That's partly true. Only I just know her side of the story and I'd like to hear yours, if you don't mind."

"Well…" She looks at me and asks me silently if I'm fine with that. I simply nod.

She takes a deep breath and starts to tell about Holly Gibbs and our first meeting. Then she explains that she was less than warm toward me because of Warrick at first and then because I was an intruder into her team.

Listening to her I realize once again that we've been through a lot of things before we got together. I'm glad we are where we are though.

The waiter comes back with our meal. Travis is scrutinizing my breakfast with a great focus. I can tell you the exact moment where his mind snaps to realize that he forgot something.

"Bummer!" He says defeated. He lets his head falling on the table with a muffled thud.

"So close yet so far." I state. I do my little happy dance before speaking again. "And Sidle scores majestically leaving Carter far behind biting the dust. Ladies and gentlemen the score is of 1-0 so far." I say with a deep voice, giggling.

Travis asks the waiter to come back. "Could we have a glass of cold milk please."

I can see Catherine looking at me like I had a second head. "Well people believe that I'm a coffee junky, truth to be told I'm actually a milk junky, but don't tell any one… after all I have a reputation to preserve."

Cath bursts into laughing. I love that sound. She's so beautiful when she laughs. When her laugh subsides I can't resist the want to kiss her so I lean in and kiss her gently. She's surprised but keeps on smiling.

"What were you doing before being a CSI?" Travis asks Catherine after taking the first bit of his breakfast.

Catherine stirs a little but doesn't let it shows on her face. She takes a deep breath and straightens herself before answering.

"I used to be an exotic dancer." She says firmly.

Travis doesn't say anything or shows any surprise or shock. He's just looking at her naturally. I know he's not judging her, he's not the kind of judging anyone for that matter and knowing that just makes me proud to have him as a friend.

"What happened then?" He asks her before putting another bit of food in his mouth.

"Well, I had this friend of mine who was in the police and who would come to me regularly to ask my opinion on cases and I liked it. Then I got pregnant and I figured that dancing wasn't a guarantee for my future or the one of my baby, so I went back to school."

"Why did you choose to become a CSI." Travis continues his interrogation.

"I like puzzles." Cath answers without hesitation with a grin.

Travis thinks about it and then chuckles a bit "Good answer."

I love that with Catherine. Her ability to talk about her easily. To talk about her past without thinking about what people will think about her. Not that I'm ashamed of what she did before. Like she said one day it's a job like another. And it's true, I mean who am I to judge her after all our actual job is to clean people's mess so to speak.

I'm not disturbed about her old job, though we never talked about it. To be honest, the only thing I'm not comfortable with is the thought of her being the fantasy of a lot of guys. I mean, I love her and I want her to be only in my fantasies, not in the head of strangers, see what I mean?

We keep on eating and let silence surrounding us for a moment.

"So tell me how you two met." Cath asks after a moment to no one in particular.

"Harvard." We answer in unison.

"Hum…" Cath thinks a bit before picking of us "…Travis."

"So we met in Harvard and the very first time we acknowledge each other was during our physics class." He pauses. "I come from a family where excellence is not an option, and since I was in a perpetual conflict with my parents, my big plan was to make myself expelled from our prestigious school. Then Sunshine came into scene. Our teacher Mr. Thomas, was exposing Newton's laws and out of nowhere she starts to have really complicated and animated debate with him. You should have seen those two they were lost in their world, each fighting for their positions. And it appeared that she had a rather advanced opinion on everything, absolutely everything. That was unnerving, irritating and at the same time it was challenging. So my new plan was to actually be smarter than she was." He says.

"What can I say? I was at Harvard and I was eager to learn." I just reply

My studies were actually my only way out from the ugliness of my messed up life. It was also the only stable thing I had so I hung onto it fiercely. Outside the studies I had nothing, at least not at this precise time.

"Anyway, that's how started our record. We started to have an argument in every class. And then it sort of became a ritual the great 'STD'…"

"Sara vs. Travis' debate." I elaborate.

"It was probably the most expected five minutes. Our class mates liked it and sometimes even took part. As for our teachers they just loved it and counted points." He continues.

I chuckle at the memory.

"It was heated verbal jousts. Everything she was for I was against, and vice versa. Well that was our debates and outside the class we kept on arguing." He says.

We continue to eat and talk easily. At a moment Catherine goes to the bathroom. Travis face sobers immediately and I stare back at him. With our eyes we speak of her. I wait for his appreciation of Cath, not that it would change anything, but his opinion matters to me. He studies me for a moment – evaluating the depth of my involvement in the relationship, the depth of my feelings. He's the only one, besides my brother, who can read me literally as an opened book. No word are needed, silence is a language we have perfected over the years and maybe the last remain of our former love.

He tilts his head on the right as to ask a question and I just beam in response. Then his face softened at this and I can see, light returning into his eyes as he smiles softly at me.

Cath returns and no verbal words has been exchanged since she left. She study the both of us for a moment and then we resume our conversation and our meal.

Travis stares at Catherine intently and for a moment I wonder why, until I look at Cath to see the question on her face.

"Ask it." Travis tells her.

"What?" Cath tries to play coy.

"Whatever question that's on your mind."

She takes a deep breath. "I was wondering about the way you two greeted each other yesterday."

Travis and I chuckle at the same time.

"Well one day a miracle happened during one of our literature class: we actually agreed on something." He says with a grin.

"Which was?" Cath asks totally absorbed in the story.

"It was about the passion into _Romeo and Juliet_'s famous balcony scene and the possibility to actually transcript it into the present." I say.

"And we agreed that it was impossible to transcript something that wasn't here in the first place. Because it appears for us that it wasn't passion but despair or eventually the proof of a mature teenage angst." Travis elaborate. "But this time our teacher…"

"Mrs. Doherty, wouldn't let it slide. Accusing Shakespeare – the great master himself – of not being passionate was a cardinal sin." I fill the blanks.

"What happened then?" Cath asks more eager to know each passing seconds.

"She dared us to do better since we seemed to know everything about passion." Travis starts.

"So we were given one week to enact the scene, that way she thought we would see the passion irradiate from it." I finish.

"The fateful day came and so we played the scene. But neither of us was really 'thrilled' and it was obvious. But once again Mrs. Doherty wouldn't let it go." Travis continues.

It was probably the worse enactment of Shakespeare the world has ever seen. And I think that even that is an understatement. Trust me they taped us and when we watched the tape even I was ashamed of our performance.

"She said, and I quote, that we were 'two cold hearts with hot brains, who were not even able to inspire a tiny heartbeat of passion to anyone, and that as a matter of fact dead fishes were actually more expressive and more passionate than we were and would ever be.' Conclusion the lack of passion didn't come from the play but from us." I explain.

"Ouch." Cath says yet very amused.

"Yeah well little did she know her little speech actually fuel a hell of a passion." Travis goes on before stopping again.

"Come on don't leave me hanging." Cath pushes him.

"Well I start the scene all over again but this time it wasn't those good old Will's words, they were mine. And that's when a passionate improvisation took place. I couldn't remember for the life of me what we said. But then they made us watch the tape and that's when I heard our words for the first time. When we were playing everything was blur but amazing. It was like I had fever but that fever was impressive it gave me my lines without me thinking about it. It was like I was someone else." He tells her.

"It took me some seconds to adjust with him, but once we were set words flowed easily. I don't know whether it was out pride or our need to have the last word that made us did that scene. But it's liked we were on fire, possessed by fever. It's the kind of fever that gives you strength to move a mountain. I was feeling high with the sensation of falling in full speed. I had never played before and I can tell you that I still don't believe it was me acting that way and saying those words." I say lost in the memory.

"Anyway it appeared that the scene begun with those lines 'At last I'm in heaven'…" Travis says and for the first time in many years I hear the voice he had back when we were playing the scene.

"…'Heaven? Young man you must be mistaken'…" I reply, my eyes firmly lock with him.

"…'No doubt I'm in Heaven, for I can see you my personal Eden'…"

We chuckle softly, coming out of our daze.

"How was the scene? How did it end?" Cath enquired.

I know where this is headed and if it's true that with time most memories become good, this one is one of the many exceptions in some of its last part. Travis knows it and we don't need to look at each other or think about it before starting to backpedal.

"Well they didn't like it. They loved it." Travis says.

"And Mrs. Doherty was more than a little stunned." I add.

"And the scene? How did it end?"

I should have known that she would notice the fact that we were avoiding the question. Travis and I grins fade and he gives me a quick look.

"Well…" Travis says.

It's easy really. Right now I have a way out – I can say that I don't remember – but the look on Catherine face is keeping me from taking it. Besides it would be a lie and there's no way for me to lie to Catherine.

"I punched him." I say flatly.

Cath chuckles and frowns. "Why?"

Because he kissed me. Because I let my inner instincts take it over my reason. Because he touched me without my permission. Once I've been free of my father's domination – let's call things by their name, and once I've been given the choice, I swore to myself that come hell or apocalypse, no one, NO ONE would ever touch me without being invited to it or at least without having my trust to do so. Of course with time I became a little more relaxed around people but back then I was more edgy. I punched him hard to be exact. In the end I gave him a big bruise and split his lips in two.

This little 'incident' was almost close to kill our relationship before it had started. It has taken time before we overcome this. For the first time and – mercifully the only time, Travis disappointed me and since he didn't have my trust at the time – because we weren't friend yet, let's just say he had a hard time to win it. Also we made it that far and sort things out it's never been a good memory and it never will be.

"My last verse was out of line." Travis says seriously. He snorts. "Anyway, since then those lines stuck."

Cath's cell rings. "I'm sorry I need to take this." She exits the booth and answers while going out. "Willows."

Travis and I are looking to each other. Then something hits the both of us.

"How many chances for her not to ask about the tape?" He asks me.

"Let's put it that way, a snowball has more chances to survive in Hell." I answer. "It's ok, don't worry." I brush his silent apology.

Right now we can't look at each other, truth to be told we need time to get away from that memory once more. For the first time in many years we're uncomfortable around one another.

After a minute or two of reflection on our own. I look at him but his head his turned away. I lay my hand on his so he acknowledges me again.

"We're fine." I just say.

He covers my hand with both of his and grins shyly at me. "We're fine." He finally says.

Catherine comes back inside. We finish our breakfast pleasantly and then get ready to head back home.


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38: Catherine**

Travis Carter. Well now that I had the chance to know him, I got over my irresistible desire to rip him apart. But still, he's the number one on my black list.

He's a nice guy, really. He's funny, smart, he has a sharp mind, well he's a lot like Sara in a masculine version, something like her alter ego.

Well I've learnt a little more about Sara thanks to him. Like for example that she actually has a Ph.D. in physics or that she plays the piano and some other little details. He's really a good guy and I can see why he is her best friend.

But I see him for what he is, that is to say: a threat. I saw how he's looking at Sara. I know what he means for her and if there's no doubt that I trust Sara's faithfulness, I don't trust him. There have been moments where I felt like an intruder in their world. And even if they aren't lovers anymore on some points they still act like they were.

And to be absolutely honest I'm jealous of the guy. I'm jealous of what they have. There's no doubt he knows her more than I do, but there's also that connection between the two. For example the way they speak to each other with nothing but silence.

Besides he is her first love... We all know that the first love is strong and whatever comes after it, it still has a special place. I mean look at me and Eddie. He's the first guy I really loved. In spite of all the things he put me through, I still loved him, at least a part of me did. And knowing Sara and seeing the way she talks about Travis I know that he still holds a special place in her heart.

So yes he's a threat. Plus if you count the fact that he is younger than I am, that he has a wider knowledge than I have, and that he's really handsome, and that he already has a record with Sara, well you get a cocktail of my inner fears. But right now he's just a potential threat. Sara's with me and everything is fine.

Anyway the breakfast was interesting. I got to know Sara a little better. But mostly the conversation turned around me because just like Sara, Travis is good at not talking about himself.

The main thing here is that I'm going to keep an eye on Mr. Carter, and let him know that Sara is taken.

xxxxx

What a night. I'm exhausted. But the positive side of this is that tonight Sara and I have a night off. I haven't seen her much lately. Work has been rough and then there was – and still is – Travis. She tried to spend some time with him as much as she could. I told her it didn't bother me, but it was not totally true. Anyway I tried to be mature and absolutely adult about this. And so far I have to say that I'm pretty proud at myself.

I come home to find a breakfast waiting for me in the kitchen and my lover cooking, this woman is a divine gift. She sees me coming and comes to me instantly. She grabs my coat, puts it away, kisses me and makes me sit at the kitchen's table. She puts a plate in front of me, serves me a mug of hot cocoa, and a big glass of orange juice. Before I start to eat she massages the tension from my shoulder away. I'm in heaven…

I stop the motion of her hands and then I make her lean in so I can kiss her thank you. She smiles at me and then takes a chair next to me.

"How was your shift?" She asks me.

"Tiring." I answer in a sigh. "I'm glad it's over and I'm looking forward our night off." I take a bite of my breakfast and moan in pleasure "Hmm… Honey this is good."

"Hum… About tonight…" She starts.

I start to feel a bitter taste in my mouth. Her tone is telling me that whatever is coming I won't like it. "Yeah?"

"Well… I was wondering if you had special plans or not?"

"Why?" I try to sound casual but I'm boiling inside.

"Just like that." She shrugs.

"Sara?"

"What?"

"Do you have other plans for tonight?" I ask a little angry.

"Well… not… really." She says not really convinced.

"Sara, stop beating around the bush and tell me what the problem is." I say frustrated.

"There's no problem, it's just that there's a few things I have to take care of and I don't know how much time it will take so… I just wanted to know if you have planned on something special and at what time I should be back home, that's it."

"Well I wanted to spend the day with you and then get out tonight and have a nice dinner with you, but now all I want is to stay home without you." I say harshly. "So do whatever you want, it's not like I cared." I snort. "I can't believe you. You try to buy me with a breakfast on top of that!"

"Cath, I just wanted to know at what time I was supposed to be back." She says calmly.

I push my plate with disgust. "It doesn't matter now Sara."

"We can get out if you want to, I just want to know at what time you want to do it."

"If I want to? You sound like I was forcing you to get out!"

"To be honest I just wanted to stay here with you tonight not doing anything special. But if you want to get out just let me know so I can adjust the schedule of my day, that's it."

"Whatever. I told you I don't care now. So just do what you need to." I sigh. "I'm going to bed."

I leave the kitchen more pissed off and tired than I was when I came back home. I can't believe her!

I begged her to take her day off and to take me out, today and not another for a reason thinking she would figure it out by the time, but apparently she hasn't. Today it's been exactly three months that we've been together, and if it doesn't mean so much I just wanted to have a nice day with my lover, having her just for myself. For the first time in many years it's been three months that I've been in a real relationship with someone I truly care about. I just wish she could see that it's important to me. I just wanted her for the entire day. Is it to much to ask? No, I thought so.

xxxxx

So after a good shower I slept a bit. And now it's the fourth hour of me pouting in our bedroom. Sara is gone and now I'm alone like an idiot. This day just keeps on getting better.

xxxxx

I went at my sister so I could spend a little time with Lindsey there. I had planned on Lindsey staying at my sister's tonight but now I'm reconsidering my options.

But my daughter is barely paying attention to me, my sister is almost throwing me out of her house. I don't feel rejecting at all!

xxxxx

So here I am back home which is for the time being the kingdom of boredom.

I called Sara and she said she would be back in thirty minutes so I'm waiting for her.

I open my eyes at the loud noise and find myself in my bedroom. What the? The door opens itself and I see Sara appearing in the room.

"Hey sleeping beauty." She says. She comes to me and sits on the edge of the bed.

"Hey ." I smile a bit but somewhere I'm still pissed at her.

"I found you asleep on the couch so I took you to bed." She explains me while caressing my face gently. "I… I was being selfish this morning and I'm sorry." She says. I just nod to accept her apology. "How about I make you a hot relaxing bath and then we spend the evening, just the two of us, cocooning like lovebirds?"

She sends me a look I couldn't resist even if my life depended on it. "I'd like that." I say after a moment.

She goes on the bathroom running me a bath and then comes back to me.

"That was a lot of noise you were making earlier." I tell her.

"Oh that… I was just trying to clean up the living room." She says a bit suspiciously. "I'll close the living room door while you're in your bath so you can relax." She says. Then she kisses me and exit the room.

xxxxx

This bath is indeed relaxing. I can hear Sara making noise every now and then but apart from that I'm swimming into bliss.

I'm glad Sara is back home and I'm glad that we're going to stay here for the evening. I know this morning I was uptight about her not realizing what day we were today, and about her not spending her day with me but she's there now and that's all that matters for me right now. Besides I think my little outburst this morning was also the result of my tiredness.

I think it's time for me to get out of the water because it's getting cold in there. I get out and dry myself.

I'm about to put my top on when I hear a big noise and the light turns itself off. What the…?

"Honey?" I call out Sara.

I don't get any answer so I open the bathroom door and call for her again. "Honey? What's going on?"

Suddenly she appears in front of me with a pocket light, it startles me so I whimper a little. "Gees you scared the hell out of me!" I tell her.

"Oh… sorry…" She answers me shyly.

"What happened?"

"I think I've blown the fuses." She says lightly like it was the coolest thing she ever did.

"How did you do such a thing?"

"I don't know… I just did." She giggles.

"Sweetie are you high?"

"Nope." She says still giggling. "I've lighten up the bedroom with some candles and a maglite so you can wait there until I put the power back on." She says lightly. She gives me a brief kiss and then disappears in the living room again.

She's acting weird right now, it's like she was on caffeine high or something. Anyway I go in the bedroom which is enlightened with candles. I have to say that it's quite romantic. I sit on the bed and wait patiently.

xxxxx

Ok. It's been five minutes and the power is still not back on. I open the bedroom door and call Sara.

"Honey? Are you still there?"

"Yeah don't worry everything is under…" I hear a big thump. "Ouch!…now that hurt!"

"Sara is everything ok?" I'm worried now.

When did my house become so dark? I can't see anything in front of me. Right now except the faint glow coming from our bedroom there's no other source of light. That's probably because the living room door is closed, anyway it's really dark here.

"Honey are you alright?" I ask before reaching the doorknob.

I don't get any answer and I'm really concerned now. You talk about a nice cozy night! I open the door and it seems that it's even darker in the living room than it was in the corridor. Why are the curtains down?

"Honey?" I'm a little scared now since she hasn't answered me for the last three minutes. "Sara?"

Now would be a great time to panic I think. I'm about to get back to the bedroom to take the maglite with me. But all the sudden the room illuminates itself. What…?

It's like there was a thousand little lights in my living room. In fact I think they are Christmas decoration lights. It gives the impression of being surrounded with a thousand stars. I can't help but smiling in wonder in front of this. I can feel my heart beating heavily in anticipation.

I keep my progression in the living room and that's when I realize that I'm walking on roses petals. To be precise there's a multitude of petals spread on the floor and I can see some bouquets standing a little bit everywhere in the room. I keep on walking until I reach the counter of the kitchen, that's when I saw that the table is set for a nice candlelight dinner. There are petals on the tables, a bottle resting in an ice bucket, four candles waiting to be light up and a wonderful set of dishes.

I jump a little when I feel two hands snaking around my waist.

"Happy three months anniversary." Sara's voice resounds in my ears.

I'm so amazed at my surrounding that I barely remember to breathe. Sara lets me go and lights up the candles before returning to me.

"You don't like it?" She asks me insecure.

"Baby this is… this is…amazing." I manage to say. I can feel tears wetting my cheeks.

"Hey what's wrong?" She asks me whipping my tears away.

"I thought you forgot."

"I know that was part of the plan."

"Plan?"

"Yeah I had to find a way to piss you off so I could set things straight perfectly and precisely without any distraction." She confesses me.

"You set me up?" I chuckle through my tears.

"Guilty. I'm sorry I won't do that again."

I start to laugh a bit but then I cry again.

"Hey, calm down. Everything is fine. I'm sorry, I swear I won't piss you off again on purpose."

"It's not that it's just that I don't have anything for you."

She laughs in relief. "You're still with me, you still love me and trust me, I take that as a gift in itself."

She kisses me and then she sits me at the table so we can have a romantic dinner. Everything is just wonderful. Sara never ceases to amaze me, to surprise me. That's what I like about her, I never know what to expect. And now I'm floating somewhere near heaven. No one ever did something like that for me. I'm happy and more in love with Sara than ever.

xxxxx

Wow. That was a great three months anniversary! Well I made it up to Sara in our bedroom later and the next day. Then we picked Lindsey up from school and spent the afternoon with her before dropping her at Nancy's. That when I learnt that they were all in cahoots with Sara.

Well that little surprise put a smile on my face that hasn't faded yet. And it's been three days already.

Now every single day I think that not only I'm happy but I'm lucky too. I have the family I've always wanted, I'm in love, my daughter and I are as close as a mother and her daughter could be, my daughter loves my lover like her second parent. What more could I ask? Except for it to last?

xxxxx

I asked Sara to see the tape Travis talked about. Sara didn't seem so thrill about it but when I asked her if everything was fine she said yes so I'm preparing myself to discover a bit more about her. I am thrilled. Lindsey is also all excited to see a young version of Sara.

Sara is next to me on the couch and she's fidgeting a little.

"Are you sure you don't mind me watching it?" I ask her again.

"It's ok I guess. It's just that it's been a while since I've watched that tape."

"I can't wait to see it." I say excited.

She takes a big breath and put the tape on. We can see a young Sara, lacking confidence yet not letting it show. A rather nonchalant Travis appears on the side of the stage. They watch each other with a mix of challenge and disdain. We can hear the teacher – the famous Mrs. Doherty – silencing the room and asking Sara and Travis to enact their scene.

"You were cute." I say to Sara who blushes a little.

We watch silently the twosome playing – if we can call it that way – the balcony scene and I have to say that it's really bad. And even saying that is an understatement.

"Sara, will you be mad at me if I tell you that you're a really bad comedian?" Lindsey voices my thoughts.

"No, to be honest I think I'm pretty bad myself." Sara replies.

Then on the screen we see Mrs. Doherty scolding them for their pathetic interpretation. Young Sara takes the blame silently, but her posture is strained, it's like the words didn't touch her. She has this intent look, she gets when she's focus on a crime scene. The one saying that she's determined to prove you wrong.

Travis starts the scene again, though the teacher is surprised she lets him carry on. Sara rejects Travis at first but then everything starts to change. It's like the world around them had disappeared, they are lost with each other.

I'm in awe before this new scene. I can hear Sara mumbling her lines next to me. The scene is just stunning.

Then everything stops as I see Travis grabbing a chair to be at the same level than Sara and giving her a bruising kiss. I see Sara tensing just a second after her initial surprise, then she pulls away and sends him a naughty right hook. He falls backward stunned, the blow has taken him out of his daze. Suddenly we hear applauses which seem to call them back to reality. Sara just leaves the scene without a word and that's when the tape stops.

When I turn to look at Sara her eyes are closed. It's like she was remembering this kiss. Worse it's like she was reliving it.

"Wow that was huge." Lindsey breaks the silence.

"Yeah, it was… impressive." I add.

Sara mumbles a thank you, not looking at me. There's a big part of me feeling betrayed because she didn't mention that kiss the other day and there's another part of me who is doubting that she isn't still in love with Travis.

I can feel nausea invading me. I wish I hadn't begged to see that tape.


	39. Chapter 39

**Chapter 39: Sara**

I can feel nausea invading me. I wish Cath hadn't begged me to see that tape.

Just the thought of that kiss is repulsing me. I had to close my eyes not to be sick, not to witness this again. Cake seems swept away by my performance, Cath on the other hand isn't talking much. I have an idea why, and I can feel an argument coming.

We have pizzas for dinner while watching a movie. I think that Cake's new obsession is the theatre because she can stops talking about my performance. After the movie we send Cake to bed and kiss her goodnight.

Cath is a little distant I can tell, but I decide against mentioning it. We go to bed and for the first time she doesn't take her position in my arms. Instead she just looks at the ceiling.

"Why didn't you mention the kiss?" She says to me suddenly. I don't answer and I can feel her being frustrated. "I asked you a question, Sara. Why didn't you mention the kiss?" She repeats.

"Would it have made a difference?" I ask.

"Yes."

"What difference?"

"I wouldn't feel like you lied to me." She confesses.

"I didn't lie to you!"

"Did you forget about it?"

"No." How could I?

"Well news flash: lying out of omission is still lying." She says bitterly. "Then why didn't you mention it?" She asks again.

"Because it was just a detail."

"If it was just a detail you would have mentioned it." She reproaches me.

"It's not what I call a good memory, that's why didn't mention it."

"Really? I would have swore otherwise earlier. It's like you were enjoying this kiss again." She says shyly.

"Cath…" I start to protest and getting closer to her but she rejects me.

"No. I feel betrayed because, that kiss still means something to you."

"You're right this kiss still means something to me… but it's not…" I can feel Cath's body tensing. I try to reach her again but she flinches under my touch.

"I knew it!" She says angry and hurt.

"No you don't! Look I didn't enjoy the kiss back then and I certainly didn't enjoy it earlier. The only thing that kiss means is the violation of my personal space. Trust me just thinking about it makes me want to puke." I tell her calmly.

She snorts after a moment. "Travis would be glad to hear that, I'm sure."

"He knows, trust me."

"Do you still love him?"

"Yes I do. But I'm not in love with him anymore if that's your question."

"That was my question." She shifts her position so now she's in my arms. "I'm sorry to be like that." She says.

"Like what?"

"Insecure."

"It's ok." I kiss the top of her head.

xxxxx

"Sara, Greg, you get a DB. Sofia you're with me tonight, we have a suspicious circ at the Tangiers."

Greg and I take our assignment and go to our scene. The drive out there is relatively short. The crime scene is just like an anthill, everyone filling their part. Brass is waiting for us in front of the house. We pass the yellow tape and join him. He has a hard look, something's telling me that we just got a nasty one.

"Hey Brass, what do we have?" Greg asks.

Brass looks at me first then says. "A young girl, I'd say between fifteen and twenty years old, Caucasian, blond, her body has been mutilated, but her face is untouched. Everything suggests that she's been raped."

It's in times like these that I love my job… Fuck!

"Hope you guys didn't have a heavy lunch because it's not nice to see." Brass adds.

He turns to lead the way inside of the house.

"Who found her?" I ask.

"Two patrolmen."

"Who called?" Greg asks.

"The house did." Brass states.

I'm about to ask him to elaborate when I have my first vision of the body. I clench my jaw at the view.

The body is lying on an empty room. Her hands are resting on her chest holding a lily. She's dressed in what used to be a white robe, now soaked with blood. Her legs and arms show several cuts, it seems that there are words carving on her body. The robe is lifted up on her belly so that it reveals that she's not wearing any underwear. On her stomach is carved the word 'sinner'. Wings have been drawn on the floor next to her shoulder with her own blood and just above her head the words 'fallen angel' have been written in bloody letters. Her face has the color of porcelain and without the blood she would looking like she was sleeping peacefully.

"This house is in exposition for selling. It has an alarm system which is linked to the police. If the alarm is set off, a signal is sent at the nearest station, then two patrolmen come down to see what's going on. That's where it becomes interesting. It seems like the perp got in the house without setting the alarm off. He did his business before setting the alarm off on purpose by breaking the window."

"How do you know?" I enquire not tearing my eyes from the body.

"The window is broken from the inside. Plus the officers need five minutes top to get here. Looking at the scene I'd say the perp needed more than five minutes to do this and get out. Beside seeing the size of the hole in the window, I can tell you that the perp didn't get through it to escape."

"Where are her parents?"

"We don't know yet she has no ID." He sighs.

"If it happened like you said then it means that we have to deal with a rather smart perp." I say pensively.

"I'd rather not think that he is playing with us now."

"Why?" Greg asks.

"Because then it would mean that…" Brass starts.

"…This is just the beginning." I finish for him.

"I let you process while I'm looking for a witnesses." Brass says before turning to leave.

xxxxx

After five hours of meticulous and unfruitful search Greg and I are still stuck in square one. We didn't find any trace except those left by the body. It's like the room has been sterilized. There are no traces on the inside or the outside of the house. Let's just hope the body will talk to us more than the house. I hate to say this but Brass theory appears to be true.

The drive back to the lab is silent. I can feel frustration already taking hold of me. I have bad feeling about this a really bad feeling. Once we're there we start analyzing the little we have.

"Sara, I want an update on your scene." I hear Grissom ask me.

I sigh and turn to him. "Well it's easy, we don't have much trace, no weapon and so far the body is our only real evidence. There are no eye witnesses. The perp knew the scene so he got in and out without being noticed or sending the alarm off. But where it becomes disturbing is the part where he's the one who contacted us by breaking a window on purpose."

"What about the vic?"

"There are words carve on her arms, legs and stomach. No sign of struggle, no defensive wounds. As for the cause of death I'm waiting for Doc Robbins to page me for the preliminary autopsy."

"Ok, you keep me posted." And with that he disappears in the hallway.

I return to my analyze of the crime scene when my pager goes off. It's Doc let's hope he has something to give us. I catch Greg in one of the lab then we head in the morgue together.

"Hey what's up Doc?" Greg says flatly.

"Greg, Sara." He acknowledge us.

"Make our day Doc and tell us something that will lead us somewhere." I plead him.

"Well I might disappoint you, sorry." He answers me.

"We'll see. So tell us about Jane."

"Well, her body has been mutilated as you have seen it already. The lacerations are deep enough to leave a permanent mark but not enough to inflict grave damages. There's no wound that indicate struggle."

"Deep lacerations must hurt, why didn't she fight back?" Greg asks. "Is it possible that she made those herself?"

He lifts the sheet from the body revealing lacerations over all the body. The words 'forgive me' carve a thousand times.

"Well the thought has crossed my mind but the written pattern is regular on every side which suggest that it's the work of only one person. Plus there are lacerations on her back too. So I doubt she made it herself. She was alive though when those have been made, so I took a sample of blood and sent it to trace, we'll soon know why she didn't react."

"I wonder who's speaking, the perp or the vic." Greg says aloud.

"Yeah me too." I sigh. "What's the cause of death?"

"Internal bleeding caused by the word carved on her stomach."

"I thought the lacerations weren't deep enough?" Greg exclaims.

"All the other lacerations are superficial so to speak, but the word 'sinner' has been literally stabbed through her flesh, cutting every organ on the way."

"What did the perp used to made those? A knife?" I ask.

"I don't rule anything out but I'm inclined to think that he used a cutter from the form of the cuts."

"I don't know for you but I don't think he carved the world 'sinner' on her stomach by accident or just because he lacked place." Greg voices my thought. I nod in agreement.

"We're on the same wavelength. And before you ask the rape kit came back negative, there's no sign of a recent sexual assault." Doc says.

"Recent?" I ask surprised.

"Yeah, there are some wounds in her vaginal area suggesting that she's been previously abused." He pauses. "I'd say several times."

I can feel nausea flowing all over me. I close my eyes a little and take a deep breath before going on. "Alright, what is the estimate time of death?"

"I'd say six hours from now, that would be around nine."

"Doc is there any particular sign that would help us to identify her?"

"Actually there are three tattoos. There's a set of wings on her shoulder blades, a crying angel with black wings on the small of her back and the last one is on her left hip."

Greg and I lean over the said tattoo. Three letters in a gothic style are drawn over the vic's skin.

"Fun?" Greg states.

"Actually, I think it has another meaning, look there are dots in between the letters." I answer. "I'd like to have pictures of …" Before I finish my sentence Doc hands me pictures of the vic's tattoos and one of her face.

"I took an extra set of pictures for the file already, figure it might help you." Doc says with a grin.

"If you didn't exist I'd invent you." I reply grateful to work with a thoughtful man like him. "Anything else Doc?"

"No, I know it isn't much but these were all the information I could get from her." His tone is apologetic.

"Well it's a start, thanks." I say sending him a little smile.

And with that Greg and I get out.

xxxxx

"I called the company that owe the house and its director will receive us tomorrow." Brass says.

"Great. I think we should get around the tattooist to see if they recall her, that could help us to identify her. But first I think we should get back at the scene and see if we haven't missed the murder weapon." I say.

"Ok let's do that." Greg answers.

xxxxx

Back at the scene our search has been as successful as the first one. Then we went to have a chat with the director of the agent that owe the house. We learnt that except him and his employee no one had the keys of the house. He also told us that the alarm only covers the doors and the windows. We have interrogated all the employees who all had an alibi. But it appeared that the set of key of one of them had been stolen last month. The incident had been signaled but since no problem had occurred in the houses, the director hadn't estimate that it was necessary to change the locks of the houses.

Right now Brass is still checking the alibi of all the employees but by the look of it, none of them have lied. This case is really hitting on my nerves.

The tox screen came back and now we know that our Jane Doe had a high rate of soporific in her system.

"She might have done an overdose." Greg tries.

"That would explain why she didn't fight back. But there's no signs of struggle so it means that either she has taken it by herself or the perp has found a way to give them to her without her noticing." I elaborate.

"Do you think she helped the perp?"

"I honestly don't know. Maybe she didn't, maybe she knew him so there wasn't any reasons to be suspicious about his intentions."

"I checked the missing person files and so far there's no one matching her description."

"There's surely someone looking out for her, I mean, she didn't pop out of nowhere!" I say frustrated.

My head is hurting with all my thinking and we're still stuck on square one. I sigh loudly.

"Listen, right now there's nothing much we can do, so let's get some sleep. Maybe we'll have more chance tomorrow." I tell Greg. "Tomorrow we'll go around the tattooists and maybe her parents will show up."

"Let's hope you're right."

xxxxx

I'm so glad to have someone to come home to. Now I can understand Cath, because right now I can't wait to get back to see Cake and spend some time with her. I can't wait to get back home and hold Cath and Cake and let them know that I love them.

"I'm home." I announce entering the house.

I hear the sound of laughter coming from Cath's bedroom, this sound is like a breath of fresh air. I feel like some of the baggage from work was lifted from my shoulders. I go to the bedroom and watch Cath tickling Cake, the both of them laughing. I love this picture, for a moment I just look at them.

"Sara!" Cake exclaims.

"Hey Cake." I answers softly. "Do you mind if I join you?"

"No, only if you help me to tickle mom!"

"What?! You honestly think that she will take your side?" Cath protests.

"Well actually I already have." I say, setting myself on the bed and starting to tickling her.

"I can't believe it!… You're supposed to be on my side you know!" She manages to say in between laugh.

After a few minute of battle Cath gives up. "Ok, ok…stop…stop it… I can't breathe!…"

"Hey Cake give me five."

"We're so bad!" Cake says hitting my hand.

"Yeah well I'll get you two back for this!" Cath whines.

We lay down on the bed in a more comfortable position. Cake is now lying between Cath and me.

"Hum… It's good to be home." Say feeling content to be home for once. "So, tell me about your day Cake."

For the next thirty minutes I enjoy not thinking about my job and listening to Cake adventure of the day.

"Alright missy it's time for your homework." Cath states after Cake's story.

"Oww mom."

"No deal it's time for you to do it. Go on."

"Do you need help?" I ask Cake.

"Well if you hear me yelling that will mean yes." She says giggling. She leans toward me, gives me a hug and kisses me on the cheek. She turns around and does the same with Cath. "I let you two alone but don't take it as an opportunity to goof around." She says mimicking Nancy quite well I must say. Cath and I laugh while she leaves the room.

I snuggle closer to Cath who resists me a little. "Are you pouting?" I ask with a grin.

"I'm mad at you." She states. I can tell that it takes a lot for her to keep her straight face.

"Really?" She nods. "So tell me, how can I fix things?" I ask her.

"Well I don't remember you kissing me hello." She says pensively.

"How could I forget such a thing?" I berate myself.

"Well it seems that you were to busy ganging up against me with my daughter." She teases me.

"I'm a naughty girl." I say while caressing her hip .

"Yeah but somehow I'm sure you can find a way to get my forgiveness."

I grin and lean in to kiss her once quickly. "Hello."

"You better do much better than this for your own good." She scolds me.

I lean in again and tease her with quick kisses, then I kiss her deeply. I hear her moaning softly has I keep my exploration of her body with my hand. I pull back after a long moment and give her another quick kiss. "Hello."

"Hello back." She says caressing my cheek softly. She studies my face for a moment and then frowns a little. "What?"

"I'm really happy to be back home."

"You won't hear me complain." She answers with a grin. "How was your shift?"

"Tough, but I really don't want to talk about it now."

"Ok. So what do you want to do?"

"It depends, how much time do we have before the beginning of your shift?"

"Four good hours."

"Then I just want you to hold me for a while after that we'll see."

I kiss her again and then I settle down in her arms and drift slowly into sleep.

Yep, it's good to be home.

xxxxx

I wake up with a start. I turn and find myself alone in bed. I can feel cold sweat running down my spine. I get out of bed and head to the kitchen to have a glass of water.

"You're already up?" Cath asks me with concern.

"Yeah I…euh… I was thirsty."

"Honey you barely slept two hours."

"I'm fine, don't worry." I say kissing her in reassurance.

"Sara?" A voice behind me says.

"Yes Cake?"

"Can you check my homework?"

"Sure thing. Give me a minute."

"Ok, as for myself I have to go to work." Cath says. I look at her expectantly "They called me earlier." I just nod. "Bye Linds, I love you." She says kissing Cake's head.

"I love you too mom, see you tomorrow."

I walk Cath to the door. She gives me a quick kiss. But I hold her to me and keep her from walking away.

"You'll have to do better than this before you go." I tease her. And before she gets the chance to reply I capture her lips and kiss her deeply. I don't pull back until my lungs start to scream for oxygen.

"Oh I hate you." Cath moans.

"No you don't." I kiss her again.

"You're right. I love you." She says with a grin.

"I love you too, see you later." I kiss her lightly and then let her go.


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter 40: Catherine**

I leave for work feeling a little lightheaded and aroused by Sara's kiss.

It's good to have a normal stable life. I've been wanted this for so long and now that I have it, it's even better than what I imagined. It's good to have something more outside our job. Sure before I had Lindsey and my sister but it's not the same. With Sara I know that she understands what I feel because she actually gets through the same things that I do. Now I can say that I have found a balance in my life.

Honestly? Everything is for the best in the best possible world.

xxxxx

I hate slow shifts. Because slow shifts means Warrick and Nick on the field while I catch up with paperwork.

Gees, I curse the day paperwork has been created! I remember thinking that Grissom was overreacting about paperwork, telling him that it was a part of the job and that it wasn't that bad. Yeah well I take it back, it is bad! How come there is so much paper to fill anyway? And it just doesn't end. Each time I finish a pile there's another one that sprout up out of nowhere!! Like those files were breeding on my back!!

I want to kill Nick and Warrick at least twice a day, because whenever they come back it means more paperwork for me! I need air, I need to get out, I swear staying enclosed in this office is corrupting my equilibrium! I want to be on the field, I want to do the cool stuff! Hell I'm ready to have a decomp! Anything is better than scratching this damned paper all shift!

Being a supervisor sucks sometimes!

xxxxx

Ok, that's enough, I need a break. I can feel my butt getting numb from the lack of moving, and my hand is hurting from all the writing I'm forced to do. I get up from my desk and close my office, destination: the break room.

I take this as an opportunity to go around the different labs to see the progression of the different cases on going and also to have a little human contact.

I reach the break room and as I'm a lucky girl the coffee pot is empty. Great. This shift is just perfect. Not only do I get to do the boring stuff, but I actually get to make the coffee for all the squad.

Days like these I hate my job.

xxxxx

Three hours and I'll be free to go home. Three hours and I'll leave the paradise of boredom, the only place where watching paint dry would actually be a lot of fun. I know I sound like a whining five year old but I don't care! I just want to do anything but sitting in that office scratching paper!

As I go for another caffeine fix, Nick and Warrick are coming back from their crime scene.

"Guys I want an update on your case." I say still heading to the break room.

They follow my lead without asking questions.

"Ok, I'm all ears." I say pouring a cup of coffee for each one of us.

"Well our DB is Keith Martin, 42, divorced with three kids, owner of a bar downtown, no record." Nick starts.

"Apparently he got involved in a fight trying to calm the game, unfortunately he ended up dead. We have several eye witnesses describing the man who attacked Keith, we have luckily find DNA and we have a license plate. We still have to process the evidences but so far we're doing good." Warrick finishes.

"Good job kids." I reply.

"What about you Cath?" Warrick enquires.

"I've been scratching paperwork all shift."

"How boring." Nick states.

"Yeah thanks for the tip. By the way I want you to get over some reports you did, I couldn't decipher what you had written Nicky boy."

"Oh man… ok let's get this over with. I drop the evidences where they belong and then I'll come to your office." He whines. Welcome to my world mate.

Suddenly Sara walks in the room with a hard look, a don't-mess-around-with-me look.

"Hey girl." Says Warrick.

Sara's face softens a bit and she manages to send him a weak smile. "Hey guys."

"It's good to see you around." Nick greets her.

Sara doesn't respond and pours herself a mug of coffee. "How are you guys doing?" She asks absentmindly.

"Slow shift, and very good since you walked in." Nick says cheerfully.

"Nick my man, somehow I don't think the boss is enjoying the fact that you're flirting with her woman." Warrick teases him.

"Good thinking Warrick." I add chuckling.

"How's your shift Sar?" Warrick reverts his attention to Sara, who seems far away.

"Uh?…oh, as good as yesterday." She answers flatly.

I try to catch her eyes but she has spaced out somewhere again. I try no to show it but I'm concerned by her behavior. Her beeper goes off and takes her out of her daze. She empties her untouched coffee mug in the sink and starts to walk away.

"I got to go. See you around guys." She throws over her shoulder and then disappears in the hallway.

The three of us are watching at her retreating figure, knowing that something was going on.

"Our girl wasn't with us." Warrick says aloud.

"Yeah, she seemed preoccupied. I don't like to see her like that." Nick replies.

"Me neither." Warrick states.

The two of them are talking like I wasn't in the room. I don't say anything and start to walk away. "I'll be waiting for you in my office Nick." I say before leaving.

Right now my mind is focused on one person only: Sara.

xxxxx

I spend the rest of shift thinking about Sara and fighting the urge to call her and make sure she's ok. There a sacred rule between us, one that should never be broken. We never ever mix our private life with our work. When we're at work we are co-workers, it means no flirting, no teasing, no feelings of any kind. We are professionals, so if something bothers us we wait to be off clock _and_ out of the lab. And so far none of us has broken it, and I know damn well that Sara will be pissed off if I overstep the line, just like I would be pissed off if she did.

So here I am waiting to go home and have a chance to take care of my lover. Only on hour to go and my wish will be granted.

xxxxx

I'm home waiting for Sara who's shift ended one hour ago. Yet she isn't coming back and the more time I spend away from her the more I'm drowning into concern.

So I'm drinking orange juice not tearing my eyes away from the door, as if watching it intently will make Sara appear.

One hour thirty minutes since the end of her shift.

I sit on the couch and turn on the TV hoping for an occupation for my mind.

Two hours.

At last the locks from the door are moving. I try to compose myself not showing how concerned I am. Sara comes in looking tired and sad. She comes to me and gives me a barely-there kiss on the lips.

"Hello." She says with an emotionless voice.

She turns away and gets into the kitchen, she takes a glass of water drinks it then washes it. She then goes silently on the bathroom. Two minutes later I can hear the shower running. I start to pace in the living room, my mind is racing with questions and concern.

She gets out of the bathroom and goes directly in our bedroom. I join her. When I come in she's lying on her side eyes wide open and I can't decipher her expression. I lie carefully next to her, I turn on my side so I'm facing her. I stare at her silently while her gaze is focus somewhere far away from this room.

"One should always have someone to take care of themselves." She suddenly says. She focuses her eyes on me. "It's cold to be alone." She whispers sadly.

I feel like I was some millions miles away from her and it scares me. I feel like I couldn't reach her no matter what I did. I take her in my arms and hold her tight. "You're not alone." I whisper back.

I'm a bit out of my depth so I do the only thing I can think of to make her feel better. I keep on holding her tight and try to convey my love for her without words. Hoping she won't push me away.

And so far she doesn't.

xxxxx

I feel Sara caressing my stomach in her sleep. My body starts to respond to her touch instantly, I can feel arousal running through my body. Blindly I reach for Sara's face and start to kiss her. After a split second she kisses me back. Her caresses become more insistent and I start an thorough exploration of her body. Within minutes we're leaving consciousness, getting awake with mutual desire.

No words are exchanged, just our two bodies communicating each other's need and desire and love. Soon the barrier of our sleeping clothes become really cumbersome, so we manage to get rid of them. Our embrace is tender yet passionate.

I keep on caressing her gently. There's no teasing today just touching and giving and receiving.

As my hand goes southward I can feel Sara's grip on me getting stronger. I break our kiss and start to focus my attention to her neck. My hand is moving slowly toward her center and then stops.

"Don't…" I hear her whispers while her body tenses.

I resume the journey of my hand and start touching her but then I feel her pushing me away slightly. I feel her trying to catch my hand and resisting my touch.

"Stop it…no…" She says in a hollow breath, starting to debate herself out of my grip. "Stop it, stop it!… stop it…" She saying forcefully pushing me physically away.

She falls off the bed getting away from me frantically. I'm stunned by her reaction. I don't understand what's going on, I try to reach for her. "Sara? Honey what's wro…"

"No!" She snaps.

The look in her eyes is scaring me. For a moment it's like she didn't know who I was and what she was doing here. Then she breaks the eye contact she dresses up and exits our bedroom almost running.

I feel my head spinning, I want to puke my guts out. I don't know what just happened.

I try to process the last minutes of my life. One moment I was with my lover and the other one I was with a stranger. One moment everything was fine and the next there was chaos.

I'm sitting on the bed my knees up to my chest, I cover myself with the sheets and start to rock myself. First I feel my body shaking. I feel ashamed and dirty and vulnerable and lost and disgust at myself. Then I feel tears burning my eyes.

What have I done? What happened?

I start to choke into the feeling of loss.

I can't get her look out of my head. It was a mix of disgust, fear, panic and hurt. Then it had changed into anger and repulsion like I was some dirty cheap girl who didn't worth the pain. Then there was panic again and she ran away.

I want to go after her and to try to understand what happened but the sting of rejection is paralyzing me. My mind is numb and I can't seem to think of what I should do. I'm hurting and I feel like drowning.

I whip off my tears furiously, mad at myself for being so weak and selfish. Right now I need to find a way to reach Sara, I don't want her to close herself and get even more unattainable than she already is.

I dress up quickly and get out of our bedroom. I'm afraid she has run away out of the house. But I can hear a barely audible moaning coming from behind the closed bathroom door. My first reaction is to open it but I hold myself and rap my knuckles on it gently.

"Sara? Honey?" I try to steady my voice but truth to be told even I can hear the apprehension and the fear in my tone.

I don't get any response but I can hear movement behind the wood barrier.

"Honey can I come in?" I ask. Still no response.

I take a deep breath and put my hand on the doorknob. "Honey I'm coming in ok?" I warn her.

I open the door and find her sitting on the floor, her back resting against the bathtub. She has her knees up to her chest, she's shaking violently. Her face is wet, with cold water I assume as I notice the tap running. She's looking lost and scared.

The sight of her like that makes me feel powerless. It hurts me to see her hurting. And I'm scared, really scared because even if I know it's her a part of me doesn't know the woman in front of me.

I get out of my thought and turn off the tap and then sit next to her. But I can see her shaking increase so I keep some distance between us.

"I'm so sorry honey." I say. I try to keep my tears inside. "I misunderstood your words, I'm so sorry."

She's looking at me but I don't know if she's hearing my words.

"I freaked out… I'm sorry Cath… I want you… I didn't mean to freak out…I'm sorry…" She starts to say over and over again rocking herself lightly.

"No, don't apologize, never apologize for saying 'stop' or 'no'." I take a deep breath trying to chase away the lump raising down my throat. "Baby, never feel like you had to do something. We're making love ok? You and I, ok? So if you don't want to, you are free to say stop at any time. I'm sorry I misunderstood your words." I repeat my previous statement.

It's true I did. When she's said 'don't' I thought she was asking not to stop the progression of my hand and not the inverse. I'm mad at myself for not noticing something was wrong, for misinterpreting the signs. I was blinded by my own desire. Her body was tensed not out of arousal and anticipation as I thought but out of discomfort.

I don't know what but something snapped in her. It happens, I mean even I sometime don't want to be touch after particularly gruesome cases. I never react as vividly as Sara but I did reject my partner of the time. Sometimes there's no real reason, one second you're in the mood and the other something feels wrong and you feel angsty. I don't blame Sara. I know from experience that those things happen. Right now I'm just mad at myself for having misunderstood her need. For almost having touched her without her assent. I don't say the 'R' word but it's there on the back of my mind.

"I'm so sorry." I repeat again.

She nods. Though she seems less panicked than two minutes ago she's still shaking. I move slowly toward her. I reach for her shoulder with my hand. At the contact I can feel her flinch but then she starts to relax again, so I take her slowly in my arms and secured her in them.

"Forgive me baby, forgive me." I say to soothe her. After a moment I feel her hands snaking around my waist and holding me in a death grip. She hides her face in the nest of my arms and starts to relax. I rock us slowly to soothe her.

Please don't let her runaway from me, please don't tell me that I blew it.

xxxxx

After long minutes we got up from the floor and got back to bed silently. I hold Sara and she fell asleep. I on the other hand couldn't just do that so I wait until she was into a deep sleep and got out of bed.

I'm scared. Sara scares me. Just what happened reminds me how little I know about her. And I'm out of my depth to say the least. Right now I feel like moving in the dark and I know that in spite of herself Sara is going to let me there not giving me the answers I need to move on.

xxxxx

Lindsey got back from school and since she's in the house it's like nothing had happened. It's like the little crisis Sara and I got through earlier was nothing but a bad dream. I have to admit that she's good at hiding her emotions.

I can't do that, pretend that nothing happened. I can't even stop thinking about it. Right now I'm stuck with my raging mind, wondering if everything is going to be fine.

I know that the next contact won't be coming from me but will have to come from Sara.

I wish there was a manual about her. Something like 'how to read Sara Sidle in ten lessons'. Instead I'm left there in the middle of nowhere swimming in troubled waters.

And if you actually want to know the worst part of it – because trust me I haven't mentioned it yet – I have a bad feeling about this. I can feel that this is just the beginning of a long ordeal. And that will be the ultimate test, like if our couple survive to that then nothing would ever be able to get us. Problem is that I honestly don't know if we'll get through this.

Something is telling me that we're going to go from bad to worse. Let's hope I'm wrong.

xxxxx

Before I leave for work Sara takes me in her arms and hold me tight as if it was the last time that she saw me.

"I love you Cath." She tightens her grip a little more. "I love you."

"I love you too." I abandon myself in her embrace. "I love you too."

She gives me a kiss. I don't know why but I want to cry. It feels too much like a break up.

I go to my car, get in it and stare at the horizon for a while. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

To anyone who might listen to me, please give us the strength to go through whatever's waiting for us. Please don't let us drift apart. Please make the Love between us be enough.

* * *

**I hate to break it to you but the honeymoon is officially over... The journey of Cath and Sara can start, there will be some damages and some pain, and some love ...eventually. But it won't be easy... ;)**

**Thanks for reading. **


	41. Chapter 41

**Hey; hey, here I am back for a rather big update. As always you made my day with your reviews and I thank you deeply. Ok the plot won't move a lot because I'm settling a case for Sara - a hard one. But don't worry I'll be back with more soon. I should be working on my soon to come exams but I can't stop having ideas for this story and writing them down, like I was on speed or something...anyway...**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: Sara Lya** that's a good question, am I for happy endings or not? Guess, I'll start thinking about it...

**

* * *

Chapter 41: Sara**

This is not good. This is so not good. Cath might think I'm crazy and I'm sure she's elaborating the different ways to dump me without too much hurt.

Why do I have to be so fucked up?

Everything was fine we were making love gently and then that smell – his smell – filled my nostrils again. Then I felt his hands all over me and I felt his breath near my ear and the feeling of dirtiness crept under my skin and nausea got the better of me. That's when I realized that I wasn't with him but with Catherine. That was a shock.

I'm sure she thinks I'm a lunatic now. Soon she'll want me out of her life if she doesn't already. I mean, no one wants to be near some freak. Plus she won't want me anywhere near Cake now that she has witnessed me in an access of madness.

I want to scream. I'm desperate.

I'm ready to give everything I have not to lose Cath or my new life. Anything because I won't survive if that is taking away from me.

I held her before she left for work and I told her that I loved her. She said she loved me back and right now the only thing I can think about is: for how much longer?

Time is ticking and I know it. Everything is about to roll downhill now. That's not an intuition it's a guarantee.

xxxxx

I go to work and try not to look like I was still shaken from my earlier crisis.

I go to the locker room and then join Greg and Brass in the conference room.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cavanaugh came at the station earlier filling a missing person file for their missing daughter who's description matches our Jane Doe." Brass announces flatly.

"Did you tell them about the body yet?" I ask.

"No I was waiting for you. So if you're ready we can go."

We leave the room and go to one of the waiting area of the lab. Through the glass wall we can see a couple, both look like they were around forty, worry is disturbing their features. One more family that is about to be broken for ever.

"I'll be the one to tell them." I state to Greg and Brass who nod in response.

We all take a second to gather our thoughts, breathe deep and put our neutral and emotionless masks on before we enter the room, me first then Greg, then Brass.

The couple raises up and looks at us with expectant eyes.

"Mrs. and Mr. Cavanaugh?" I ask with a soft reassuring voice.

"Yes, I'm Mark and this is Judy, my wife." The man states matter of factly extending his hand to us.

"I'm Sara Sidle from the crime lab. And this Greg Sanders my partner. I believe you've already met Jim Brass over here." I say between the traditional shaking of hands and nods of acknowledgement.

"Ms Sidle we're looking for our daughter and no one is telling us anything… and we don't understand why we're here… and…" Mrs. Cavanaugh starts. She's as tall as Cath, she's brunette and have green eyes. She has a certain grace and for a moment she makes me think of Cath during Cake's runaway.

"Ms Sidle if you can't help us please let us go because we can't afford wasting our time." Mr. Cavanaugh adds more calmly than his wife. He's a tall man I'd say 6 feet 8, bulky with muscles, but mostly he sends the feeling of a big loving teddy bear.

"Mrs. and Mr. Cavanaugh I understand your distress, please have a sit." I gently answer. They sit and I sit in front with Greg at my side while Brass stays stand and a little aside.

"Do you have a picture of your daughter?" I ask. They hand it to me with a little smile. I take a look at it and I know that all the hopes that maybe it wasn't their daughter just flew by the window. I close my eyes briefly and try to steady myself. It's not about me. I take a deep inspiration and force myself to look at them again.

"As we have said to Detective Brass earlier we were on weekend for our anniversary, the kids had offered us a trip to Hawaii. Our daughter called us two days ago to say that everything was fine and that she will see us on Monday. We waited all day but when she hadn't showed up we started to panic. She's not like that even when she's mad she always keeps her word. She always keeps us informed of her whereabouts and of when she will be back. We didn't worry sooner because she's… she's special and sometimes she wouldn't talk to us for days but always find a way to let us know she's fine." Mr. Cavanaugh explains me.

There's no easy way to say those things, to say that one person you love has been found dead, away from you and alone.

"Mrs. and Mr. Cavanaugh." I mark a beat. It's like all the world has started to move slowly, it's the second of calm before the apocalypse. "I'm afraid to have a bad new." I let my words sink a bit. I want them to process the information so I won't have to repeat myself. "The body of a girl matching your daughter has been found two days ago." My voice is steady and soft, it belies the anger and the pain raging inside of me.

"The…bo…body?" Mark stammers, making sure he got me right.

"Yes sir."

"Are you saying our daughter… that Joan is… no… no… it doesn't work for me… I don't want to hear that." He says shaking is head vehemently.

Joan. So that's her name. Now she's no longer just a mutilated body, she's Joan Cavanaugh. Joan Cavanaugh another name I won't forget, another restless ghost for my nightmares.

"I'm afraid that it's true sir. But I'm going to ask you to identify the body to make sure that it is effectively your daughter."

"This can't be… this can't be…" He starts to repeat.

I let them a while to understand the situation. The wife seems out of it, she's in a catatonia state, which is understandable.

"I want to see her." Mark says firmly. He doesn't say it loud but his eyes are screaming the word 'liar' to me.

I lead them to the morgue but before we enter the room I turn to them.

"I want you to be prepared, this is going to be really hard." I say calmly.

We get into the morgue where Doc is waiting for us. He pulls the body out of a drawer and then lifts the sheet up and tucks it under Joan's chin.

"Is this your daughter?" I ask.

The tall man just doesn't respond and exits the room while his wife starts to cry. I have my answer. I look at Greg and asks him silently to take care of Judy, while I go after Mark.

He's in the waiting area pacing like a mad man. I approach him carefully and lay a hand on his shoulder, before my brain processes what's going on I find myself on the floor. I shake myself out of the surprising pain of my landing on the hard floor – my breath has been cut by the bluntness of the shock and I can feel my chest bruising from the less than gentle push I got from him – and get up again.

"No… no this can't be…why her… no!..." He starts to throw a chair against the glass wall and then starts to hit it with his fists. I come right behind him and hold him as much as I can. I pass an arm under his left shoulder and my other above his right shoulder – getting one of his elbow in my ribcage and the other on my cheekbone in the process – then I lock my hands together, this way he doesn't have room to move. I manage to keep a firm hold on him – in spite of his physical advantage on me – while he stills tries to get himself free.

"No…let me go, let me go…" He screams so I tighten my grip on him. "No… no… no…" He says in a gut wrenching cry. His body gives up and we fall on the floor. His sobs are reverberating against my body, I can feel his tears wetting my hands. "Nooo…"

He turns a bit toward me and grips my arms as if to stop himself from falling. I don't loose my embrace and hold him while he sinks into deep and bottomless hurt.

I notice our environment again and that's when I see officers surrounding us and Greg standing in the middle. I nod, silently letting them know that everything is under control.

xxxxx

I don't know how much time Mark Cavanaugh and I stayed on the floor. But at some point we got up from it. I do know that my body is protesting rather loudly against my new bruises though. My cheek bone is swollen and hypersensitive now and I have the bruise that goes with the pain in bonus. As for the rest I didn't look at it but I can feel the pain when I breathe – which mean every four seconds or so. My guess is that I earned myself two nasty bruises. It's far from being pleasurable but it doesn't matter. Bruises fade, so does physical pain.

Once he has calmed down a bit, Mark has called the rest of his children. A while later six young peoples from teenagers to young adults arrived at the lab. Joan's brothers – Jared, Howard, Tim and Aaron – and sisters – Lily and Jessie – learnt the new, comforted their parents and sharing the burden with them. Right now they are waiting outside the room.

Judy and Mark Cavanaugh are sitting in an observation room, sobbing quietly and realizing slowly the reality of Joan's death. After Mark Cavanaugh's break down we gave them some time alone, but now is the time to ask questions about Joan.

Mark seems more calm and has some of his equilibrium back as for Judy she's sobbing now and then, holding her husband's hand. I'm watching them through the two ways mirror . Mark has taken the part of the stable rock he's been taught to be for his family.

There's nothing worse than witnessing the pain of the other and being powerless about it. Because even when I found Joan's killer, the pain will remain. People reproach me with being too close from the victims, too apathetic, but how can't I be? I mean it's like all this pain was crawling under my skin, oozing from all my pores. And somewhere it's just because I still can feel this pain that I keep on doing my job, it's the feeling that's galvanizing me to seek for justice.

One question keeps on nagging in my mind. How come nobody came sooner? They seem like a really close-knitted family, so how come none of them worried earlier? How could Joan have been so alone when she had such a family?

I feel lost right now and the only thing I want to do is getting out of this room and quitting this job. I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up and find Greg silently comforting me. It's amazing sometimes the way he knows what I need, the way he provides me what I need, without me voicing it. Since we've settled the things straight between us, we have this weird but really reassuring connection. I nod a bit and take a deep breath. As he sees my business mask back on he retreats his hand.

I enter the room followed by Greg. Mark gets up and looks at me with intensity.

"Ms Sidle, I'd like you to accept my apologies for my prior behavior… I'm not apologizing for breaking down but for hurting you… I'm really sorry." He says firmly with a voice full of shame. He looks like a little boy who's confessing his faults, bracing himself for a coming punishment.

"I accept your apologies and no real harm has been done." I pull him out of his misery with a soft and understanding grin. What are some bruises next to the suffering I put him through telling him his daughter was dead?

He nods and sits back next to his wife. I look at Greg one last time making sure his ready to take notes while I run the interview.

"Mrs. and Mr. Cavanaugh, I'm sincerely sorry for your loss." I pause. "I understand that you're going through a painful ordeal. I know that now is not the best time but I need to ask you some questions about Joan."

"What happened to our daughter?" Mark asks suddenly.

"She's been mutilated and stabbed." As soon as the words have left my mouth Judy smothers another sob. I give them a little time to process this new piece of information before going on. "Did she talk to you about someone bothering her?"

"No. Joan's not a people person, but she's not looking for troubles." Judy says in between tears.

"Is there some place she was supposed to be Friday?"

"She said that she would go to the library and then at Howard's place for the weekend." Judy continues.

"Howard…your second son?"

"Yes. He lives alone and he always goes on camping the week end, so he lets his brothers and sisters have his place. You know if they want some privacy, if they want to make parties. Jared does the same. That way they can have some time away from us whenever they feel the need." Marks says. "Sometime they go there during the week to spend some time together. They're close from each other, well like a family should be."

Yeah, like a family should be.

"We didn't have any reasons to be worried. I mean it's a common thing." Judy adds.

"Was she supposed to see some friends this week end?" I ask.

"Joan doesn't…" Marks snorts sadly. "Joan didn't have many friends."

"I know there were people she hung around with at school but she didn't have many real friends. She was a solitary person, even in the family sometime." Judy provides.

"I remember once she has invited one of her friend to stay for dinner… Tawny, I think that was her name. After that she came over every now and then but that's it." Mark says after a moment.

"Do you know where I could join Tawny?"

"No, we don't even know her last name, or where they met." Mark confesses.

"You never asked?"

"You have to understand that it was really good to see that she made herself friends. It was kind of a big step for her to find someone worthy of her trust, outside of the family I mean. We had an extreme respect of her privacy. We never asked her anything until she told us something." He continues.

Well so far it doesn't lead us far away from where we are which still is square one. Well the other questions I have to ask are not pleasurable.

"I'd like to talk to you separately." I state.

"It won't be necessary, we don't hide anything from each other." Marks affirms.

"Fine. Well… The autopsy revealed that Joan had been abused sexually several times."

"Her father used to raped her regularly." Judy says with an angry voice.

"The abused stopped once she was 13… when we adopted her." Marks provides.

Well that would explain her solitary personality. It matches our theory about the word 'sinner'. But then it means that whoever did this knew that information.

"Who knew about it?" I enquire.

"Our sons and daughters, us and that's about it… No wait, she might have told it to her therapist, Dr Henry." Mark answers.

"Has Joan been accepted in your family? Did your children adopted her as well?"

"Yes they did." Mark says as an evidence. He pauses and follows my train of thoughts, then he frowns on anger. «You don't think that one of them did such a thing, do you?" He snaps outraged.

"I don't mean to offend you or your family, but it's my job not to rule anything out." I say softening the blow. "With your permission I'd like to interrogate each one of them to see if they can help us."

"They haven't done such a thing, they love each other and they protected Joan." He glare at me and then sighs. "Do whatever you have to, to find the monster who did this to our precious girl." He says with watering eyes.

xxxxx

So after three hours interrogating the rest of the Cavanaugh family, it appears that Joan was a fragile but good girl. It's obvious that none of them did it, the love and care they had for Joan was blatant.

So we still haven't anything to make us move on in that case. As Greg and I are reviewing every single tiny details my cell rings.

"Sidle."

_"You're not going to like this."_

"Brass, at this point of the day I can't think of anything that could make it any worse…" I answer in an exasperate breath.

_"I'd hold that thought if I were you."_ He says before giving me an address and hanging up.

"We're in for a double Greg."

xxxxx

"Brass?" I enquire as I get at his level.

"Connie Philips, eighteen, Caucasian, brunette. She was home alone while her brothers were at a football game." His tone is flat.

"Who found her?" Greg asks.

"Terry Philips, one of her brother, he was out on a date."

"I'll have to talk to him." I state.

"He's waiting for you with two officers." Brass continues still walking us into the house.

"Ok. Greg, I'd like you to…" I don't finish my sentence as my eyes process the scene before me.

A young and lanky brunette is lying on the floor in the middle of the living room. She's wearing a white dress which is now crimson with blood, her hands are on her chest holding a lily. The words 'forgive me' are covering her flesh. Bloody wings have been drawn on the floor on each side of her shoulders and on the wall stand the words 'fallen angel'.

Everyone would think that in our job there's nothing worse than a corpse in a very advanced state of decomposition, well for me there's nothing worse than the feeling of déjà vu.

This is déjà vu.

Crap.


	42. Chapter 42

**Chapter 42: Catherine**

At last, this shift is over…

We had to deal with really uncooperative victims today. I really don't understand those people. You announce them that someone they care about is dead, they cry claiming that their world just crumbled and when you asked them for help they look at you like you had insulted them, like they didn't care that much about that person anyway and they slam their door at your face. Sometime people are hard to follow.

That and truth to be told my mind was elsewhere tonight. Yeah you guessed right: Sara.

Not that I don't think about her all the time, but generally when I work I succeed to focus. Tonight, I wasn't able to think about anything but her and it killed my focus. I couldn't help but think about her crisis this morning. I couldn't help but think about this gut burning feeling that something wrong is going to happen between us.

I can't help it. I don't know Sara, but I know how she works. Most of the time at least, I do. I know that whatever happened this morning won't be explained, that it won't come up in a conversation unless I bring it. I know her, for her the matter is closed and nothing has happened as far as she's concerned.

I can't do that. I can't move on like she does. I need to know where I go, I need to know what's going on, I need to fix the wrongs. And right now I can't do that, and I know she won't let me. Being in a relationship with Sara is complicated, because Sara is a complicated person. You think you've figured out how she works and the next second everything makes a 360° turn and lets you lost and upside down. She's hiding from the world most of the time. I hate to admit it but she's even hiding from me.

Everyone is hiding, it's a natural self defense mechanism. I don't mean that everyone pretends to be someone else, I'm just saying that there's some parts of us that we don't show. There are parts of us that we show to only a restrained number of people. People we trust, people who can see right through us. It's natural, we all have our garden of secrets. A garden which you protect, and keep the gates from intruders. But when you find someone worthy of your trust then you're willing to open those gates and share your garden. Share yourself, the person you really are, the only one, bare and simple.

Sara doesn't do that. She doesn't open the gates, never. It's more like she was trying hard to keep them closed and to banned the entry. Sometime the gates would open themselves in a moment of weakness and something would come out but she would shut them as soon as she realized it. Sometimes it's like her memories would barge against the gates, begging to be left out, but she wouldn't let that happen.

Sure she will talk about her cases, about her studies, about her hobbies, about her favorite things, about everything you want to know but herself.

Whenever it comes to herself she dodges the bullet. When it comes to her insecurities, to her fears, to her past, to her secrets, she always dodges the subject.

I'm not totally blind. I know that she has made efforts to talk to me about her past already, I do cherish her confidence and I'd rather die than breaking it. But I don't know what's going on her head, and most of the time I can feel the huge distance between us. Sometime it's like we weren't even on the same planet or galaxy.

It's a disturbing feeling not to know the person who shares your life, who happens to be the closest person to you. What's more disturbing is the fact that this person, on the inverse knows you.

I don't know Sara. But someone does and that someone isn't me, that someone used to be her lover, her first lover. Travis knows her. But I'd rather not go down that road now.

That feeling of ignorance has been burning me alive from inside ever since we started to get close and even more today during all the shift.

Right behind it was the feeling of worry. I was in a lab with Mia, talking about some test results when I heard screams and violent noises. When I got to the source of the row, I could see Sara wrestling with a tall bulky and lunatic man. Then all the sudden the guy has started to cry and Sara just held him hard. I wanted to stay there, I wanted to shout at the man and rip him apart for hurting her. I wanted to be there for her, to take care of her. But duty called me back to reality. Besides I know she would have been mad at me for doing so. Because we were at work and there was Greg next to her, so I wouldn't have had reasons to be there other than my love and concern for her. I wasn't supposed to be there in the first place anyway.

So I've spent a part of my shift asking myself if she was ok. Then I saw her briefly later, in the break room she barely acknowledged me. She poured two mugs of coffee and then she was out of it again. I saw the bruise on her face though and that got me pissed off at the lunatic who did that to her.

Now I will see her home in an hour or so, that might be the only positive thought I had of all this shift.

xxxxx

I gather my belongings from my locker room in order to go home. But first I'd like to ask Sara when she thinks she'll be home. I make a first tour of the lab and don't find her – I even checked the secret spots, so I go in Grissom's office, I think he should be able to tell me what I want.

"Come in." I hear and then open the door. " Catherine, it's good to see you. How is your shift doing?"

"It's ok thanks."

"What can I do for you?"

"I'm looking for Sara."

"Oh. Well she has been call on the field by Brass…" He pauses and look at his watch. "Something like three hours ago so if she's not in the lab, she should still be out there with Greg."

"Oh. Sounds like a busy shift." I say disappointed.

"Do you want me to give her a message or anything?"

"No it's ok. I just wanted to know when she thought she would be home, but I'll call her later… Anyway, thanks."

"You're welcome."

I turn my heel and make a last check in the different labs and the lockers room once again. She's not there so I get out of the building. Just as I reach the door I see Greg coming in, I might get lucky in the end.

"Hey Greg."

"Catherine." He answers grimly. O-k.

"Sara isn't with you?"

"She's… She's having a break outside." He pauses. "Look I have to take these to the different labs, excuse me." He says mentioning the evidences he has in his hands, he sends me a weak smile and disappears.

I don't know what they're working on but it has to be a big case because there's no other way for Greg to be so joyless. Even tired this guy clowns around, there he barely spoke to me and didn't even make a joke. Worse he calls me with my full name though I wasn't pissed at him. If that's how Greg is I can't imagine what Sara must feels like now.

I'm about to get to my car when I see her sitting on the curb at a safe distance from the entrance of our head quarters. I walk to her but she seems off somewhere and doesn't notice me even when I sit next to her.

I can tell you that whatever the case she just had, it was a bad one. How? Easy, she's smocking. I'm inwardly salivating just to think of the taste of it, but I won't give in. Her other hand is toying with the ring on her necklace. It's probably the only jewel she possesses but she never leaves it. She's very protective of it, I ask her once what was the story behind it, but she said it was something she couldn't share. I didn't push her. All I know is that the ring has Celtic pattern on its exterior.

I wait a whole minute in silence giving her time to acknowledge my presence but she stays still watching the concrete. Her body is tensed and her expression is hard.

"I thought you'd quit." I say gently.

She jumps a little, getting back from wherever she was. Her expression gets even cooler than it was just a second ago and she just takes another drag of her cigarette, but she doesn't make eye contact with me.

"Don't patronize me. Not you, not now." She turns to me with her stony expression. "Please." That last bit was said gently but it doesn't erase the sting of her harsh words. Then she turns her face away again.

A whole minute passes without her talking to me. For the first time I get a close look of her injury. Her cheekbone is bruised and slightly swollen. Without me noticing it I feel my hand reaching the injured skin. My fingertips brush against it. I hear her intake of air and see her wincing imperceptibly. I back my hand away immediately.

"Sorry."

"It's ok, it doesn't hurt that much." She says dismissively.

Silence falls between us once again. See what I mean? Right now she's gone somewhere and here I am trying to reach her in vain. Another whole minute passes without a word. She takes the last drag of her cigarette and crashes the butt on the floor.

"A penny for your thought?" I say changing my approach.

"Uh?… I…. Sorry." She answers getting back with me again. She takes a deep breath, holds it and after a moment lets it all go. "How was your shift?"

"Don't do that." I say with a bit of frustration. She always does that, dismissing me when I ask her to open up to me. It's like I was asking her what the weather was like and she was answering me that she ate potatoes today. Sure she tries to do it in a smooth way but the result stays the same in the end.

"Don't do what?"

"That. Turning it all around me. You can talk to me." I say caressing the back of her neck softly. She looks embarrassed and a bit panicked, but then she averts her eyes.

"I have a tough case, that's all. I just don't want to talk about it." She replies defensively jerking away from my touch.

That's typically Sara. She'll get angry with the littlest spark. I know she's not personally mad at me, just that she feels exposed. Since she can't stand such a display of weakness she pushes me away so she can composed herself again – sometime she's a lot like me. Any other day I would have take the bait though. I would have been offended and I would have pushed her until I'd get my answers and we would have a violent fight. But today I'm too worried, too tired and too lost for this; so I let it slide.

"Ok. Come to me if you change your mind, I'm not going anywhere." I sigh. "I was looking for you to know when you'd be home, but it looks like your shift isn't near its end so…" I wait a bit but she looks like she's off again. "Well, I guess I better get going then." I kiss her cheek gently and stand up. "I see you home." I say before walking away to my car.

I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm hurt and confused. I wish she would talk to me. I wish it was easy. It's hard to know that in spite of everything she hasn't let me in. I'm outside her world. That's unfair when you know that she's in mine.

I reach my car and by the time I get there I can feel myself close to tears. Great.

"Cath?"

I jump at Sara's whispering voice. "Jeez, you scared me." I say, turning to her. I tend to forget that most of the time she walks like a ghost.

"Sorry."

She has her hands on her pockets and she's shifting from one foot to another, like she didn't know what to do. She staring at her shoes a moment before looking at me again. Seems like I'm not the only one close to tears. She takes her hands off her pockets awkwardly. I can see she's struggling to tell me what's on her mind. In the end she takes me in a rather clumsy tight hug. I give in. After a moment she squeezes me a little.

"It's not you…it's this case…it's…" She muffles through my hair. Her voice is barely above the whisper. "It's getting to me… I don't mean to be like this…please forgive me… I… It's…"

I can feel that she has already said a lot. It's not much but it's something.

"It's ok, I understand." I soothe her. "I just want you to remember that I'm here for you. You can talk to me." I repeat.

"I know… but… it's hard for me." She answers after a moment.

We stay still for another good minute. Then she pulls back and looks at me shyly. I caress her cheek to tell her that it's ok, that seeking for comfort doesn't mean she's weak, just that she's human.

"I'll see you later home." She says softly, then she leans in and kisses me on the cheek. "Be careful."

"Always. See you later." I reply gently with a soft grin. I deliver a butterfly kiss on her lips. "I love you."

"I love you too."

I mean it. And I think she needs a reminder of that fact, besides there shouldn't be a special time for letting the people you care about that you love them – nearly losing my daughter for the second time remind me that. You might find that corny but honestly? I couldn't care less.

I get in my car, put my seatbelt. I start the engine, give her a last glance, she waves me and head off.


	43. Chapter 43

**Chapter 43: Sara**

Five minutes after Catherine's departure and one more cigarette later I get inside the lab again. I join Greg in our lab and garb a pair of gloves to help him to process the evidences.

"Cath was looking for you." He says looking at the dress of Connie Philips.

"I know, I saw her, thanks."

We works silently. This case is disturbing and I have the feeling that it actually can get weirder.

xxxxx

"How do you get used to it?" Greg asks suddenly.

We've been bent over the table cover with evidences for over an hour now.

"Care to elaborate?" I ask.

"Everything is so different on the outside." He answers.

I wonder if heard me or maybe I'm so tired that my brain is only processing half of the information, either way I don't follow Greg's point. He looks at me and snorts.

"When I was a lab rat I could pretend. No matter what you gave me to analyze. It could be blood, sperm, saliva, hell it could be excrements it didn't matter. It was just like a big game for me. It was so exciting to always have an answer. I was feeling high whenever I could help you to break a case." He chuckles.

He looks at me, scrutinizes me to see if I see what he means. I cock my head a little to encourage him to finish his thought.

"It was nothing but dirty clothes or vials or hair or anything… it was…abstract, so much that no matter what it meant, in the end of the day I could still pretend that it wasn't really blood or whatever substance. Somewhere in the back of my mind I could pretend that it wasn't real. I could move on easily. But now, I can't just do that. Now it's…real." He shakes his head softly. "You must think I'm crazy."

"Well that's not new." I joke.

"Yeah…" He grins a little but his smile fades away quickly. "You warned me about this, and now I know what you meant."

"You don't."

He frowns at my words. He's the one lost now.

"Get used to it." I add. He nods and I can see disappointment in his eyes. I take a deep breath. "Promise me something."

"Anything." He says without hesitations. I'm a little surprised at his trust on me. He always says he would do anything for me without a second thought, witnessing the seriousness of his words is different though. It's reassuring and at the same time it's scaring.

"The day you get used to this; used to the sight of all the atrocities one can make to another; the day you don't feel revulsion or anger because of this; if that day ever come promise me to quit this job as fast as you can."

He absorbs my words and thinks about it. He nods silently and then says. "I promise."

"Greg, the only reason we do a good job is because we don't get used to this, because somewhere we hope that someday we'll make everything better. If we get used to this then we're worse than the guys we put behind bars everyday." I explain him.

I reach for him and take him in my arms. He squeezes me briefly and then let go.

"Thanks." He says shyly.

"No problem… You know…" I start but my pager goes off. I look at it. "It's Doc."

We starts to head to the morgue but I hold Greg back because I feel like he was fleeing as if ashamed of what he had said. "Just because it affects you doesn't mean you're weak or a bad CSI, it's only there to remind you that you're human."

He nods and sighs in a kind of relief.

xxxxx

"Hey Doc, got your page." I say entering the cold room.

"You're not going to like this." He says echoing Brass' words.

"Have you spoken to Brass lately?" I ask quizzically.

"Nope." He answers walking to the table where the body is lying covered with a white sheet.

"I already hate it. I've been told this twice in less than five hours, so it can't be good."

"Let's reverse our parts shall we?" He announces.

"O-kay." I reply uncertain of where we're heading.

"Tell me what you learnt on the body." He asks me.

"Well I didn't process the body, you did so how…"

"Please humor me."

"All right." I take a minute to focus on what I know about Connie. "Her arms and legs are covered with lacerations forming the words 'forgive me.' " Suddenly the image of Joan pops in my head. "The lacerations are deep enough to leave a permanent mark but not enough to do real damages. She has no defensive wounds and we might find a high concentration of soporific in her system." Then I think of the important detail. "The word 'sinner' has been stabbed on her stomach provoking an internal bleeding, causing her death."

I almost forgot it because unlike Joan, Connie's dress wasn't lift up above her stomach. Her brother Terry lowered it in order to preserve his sister's dignity.

"See? You're doing very well without me so far." Doc states. "But there's a reason for me doing my job so here's some more details." He takes Connie's arms from under the covers. "You see those faint lines on her wrists?"

"She has tried to kill herself." I state.

"Maybe it was just a help call, or a way to get attention." Greg suggested.

"I doubt so, look at the way she slit her wrists." I say and he bends over to have a clear vision. "She made a vertical deep cut following her veins so she would lose a lot of blood in a relatively little time. If it was a help call she would have done it horizontally because it would have taken more time and made less damages." I say with a confident voice.

I'm talking out of experience. But now isn't the time to let all my past bubbling up.

Greg nods at the new information. Doc looks at me intently. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I think he heard my silent confession. He got it, I know it and he knows that I know that he got it. I feel bare, because I know that he has found one of my dirty little secrets. "Anyway, that's just my opinion." I add trying to cover my slip.

"I agree with your thought." Doc replies. "Let's get back to what she has in common with Joan Cavanaugh."

I think about the previous autopsy to gather the last information my memory has stocked. "Connie's been abused." I state more than I ask.

"Yes, she has. There are scars in her vaginal area." Doc's voice barely cover his consternation at one more proof of the human being's craziness. As for myself I clench my teeth, biting back my anger.

"And let me guess the rape kit came back negative." I add. Doc just nod in response.

"They have some other things in common." He continues.

"She has a tattoo." Greg says.

"Correct, keep going." Doc answers.

"They have a _common_ tattoo?" Greg tries.

"I bet it's the 'f.u.n.' one." I add.

"Good guess." Doc says showing the said tattoo on Connie's body.

My brain processes Doc's earlier words. "Wait, you said 'some other _things_'. What do you mean? They have more than one tattoo in common?". I can see Doc being pleased at my deduction skills.

"Actually that's where it becomes interesting. They don't have one tattoo in common. They have all their tattoos in common."

"All of them?" Greg and I both ask surprised.

"All of them. They're even in the same places." Doc confirms.

"Hold on, so you're saying that not only they have the exact same tattoos but the tattoos are exactly at the same places." He just nods at my imitation of a smart parrot.

"Precisely."

He turns Connie's body on the side so we can see the crying angel with black wings on the small of her back and a huge set of wings on both her shoulder blades.

"Ok, let's make a little equation. Let be two peoples who don't know each other at all, get the idea of being tattooed. Out of coincidence they go to the same tattooist, they ask for the same tattoo and they ask to have it in the same place, at a different moment in time of course. As a general rule tattoos are strictly personal, I mean even if a tattoo artist is asked to draw the same thing by different people, the tattoo will always be different according to the taste of the customers. So the probability of our situation to happen is about somewhere between non existent and 0,01 chance on something like 1 billion; and even there I think I'm getting generous on the stats. And we're talking about only one tattoo." I reason aloud. "So knowing this, what would be the probability for the same given information and three tattoos?" I ask.

"Somewhere between non existent and 0,01 chance on 3 billions." Greg answers holding his fingers in the air.

"Conclusion?" I ask him.

"They knew each other." He voices my thoughts.

"Or at least they're linked to each other, some way or another." I reply.

"What if it was a kind of sect?" Greg asks.

"I don't know. But we have to stay open at all the possibilities." I tell him. I turn to Doc. "Is there anything else?"

"No, that's it."

"Ok thanks. At least now we have a lead." I say feeling the first stings of adrenaline kicking in.

Greg and I get out of the morgue and start to go back upstairs.

"There's something I forgot to ask to Doc. I'll join in five ok?" I say to Greg.

"No problem."

I get back to the morgue and I find Doc putting Connie's body in a drawer.

"Doc I just thought about something. Tattoos take something like a week for the skin to scar over. So on fresh tattoos the skin would be pinky and highly sensitive because of little blood residues. Did you notice that on either Joan or Connie?"

"I was ahead of you with this one. One of my sons got tattooed last year." He says with a soft grin. "I looked at the tattoos on both Joan and Connie, none of the tattoos were that recent."

"Damn it." I swear.

"They take something like a year to be completely absorb by the skin but there's no way to establish a real chronology when the skin doesn't show a reaction."

"Yeah I know. I just thought that maybe it could be a ritual of the perp. Tattooing his victims and then mutilating them." I say and then sigh. "Anyway, Greg is waiting for me. See you later Doc."

"Sara..." He calls me back. I turn around and look at him expectantly.

I'm about to play dumb and ask him what he's talking about but we'll both know that it would be a blatant lie. He scrutinzes me silently, waiting for my assent or a sign that would tell him to back off. Since I don't do anything, he makes up his mind.

"I know that I'm overstepping the limits of your privacy but… I think it's something that worth to be said." I just nod in response before he continues. "I'm glad you failed."

"Thanks… I guess." I shrug but my discomfort shows because I'm balancing myself from one foot to another. "Doc, nobody does…"

"Sara." He cuts me "I'm working with dead people, so unless they learn how to speak no one will." He says kindly. "Plus I don't know what you're talking about." He says with a rather genuine quizzical face.

I nod with a soft smile. "I better go, Greg is waiting for me." I say pointing the door with my hand.

"Ok see you later."

"Later, Doc." I reply and then get out.

xxxxx

Greg and I enter the observation room where Terry – Connie's brother – is waiting for us with his older brother Jason. Terry is 21, lanky with spiky hair, he has a soft face

"Sorry to make you wait." I say. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"I don't care about you being sorry, I want you to find the one who did this to my sister, ok!" Jason spits angrily.

"I know that's why I need you to answer some questions." I reply calmly. "Did Connie say anything about someone bothering her?"

"No."

"Was she supposed to see someone tonight?"

"No."

"Did you noticed anything unusual lately?"

"No."

"Did she have a boyfriend?"

"No."

"Did you know she was tattooed?"

"Yes."

"Do you know where she got tattooed?"

"No."

Jason's monosyllabic answers start to get me to the end of my rope. "You will have to be a little more cooperative if you want to help us to catch the one who did this." I say with a neutral tone but it barely hide my frustration.

"Look I'm cooperative ok? Since our parents' death I'm working almost 24/7 to protect my family and provide them food on their table and a roof above their heads, I barely manage to have time to sleep let alone chaperoning them all the time. For all I know they go to school, then to their other activities sport, music or else; then they get back home make their chores; when I arrive they're working while I cook; then we have some time together; then I go sleeping for three hours before going back to work." Jason says with exasperation. "I failed protecting her, that I know. I'm here doing as much as I can but they are independent. Sometime they warn me when they bring someone home but sometime they don't. I just can't be on their back all the time. For the rest I have to trust them about their acquaintances and to look out for each other when I'm not here."

"I understand." I turn to Terry who hasn't spoken yet. He know something, I can tell you that for sure by the way he averts his eyes when I look at him.

"Look, it's not that I don't care but I got to go to work because I still have four mouths to feed." Jason says.

"All right, we'll keep in touch with you."

Jason starts to leave and Terry starts to follow.

"Terry I still need to ask you some questions." I say sharply.

"Can we do this another time?… Because I have to watch the little ones while Jay's at work." He says nervously.

"Don't worry, Jack is with them right now. You help them and then you go join them, got it?" Jason says with a firm tone which leaves no room for argument. Terry just nods and then sits down again.

I wait for Jason to leave completely the room before turning to Terry again.

"So tell me what you know Terry." I say.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Well you brother said he didn't get to spend much time with you, but from what I understood you got to spend all you time with your brothers and sisters. So tell me what you know about Connie."

I let him a full minute to talk but he doesn't take his chance. The little patience I had left flies by the window.

"Terry, your sister has been murdered, don't you care at all?!" I say angrily yet without screaming.

"Of course I care!" He replies defensively.

"Then talk to us."

He locks his eyes with mine and then looks away. He sighs heavily and then looks at me again. "Jason doesn't know about this." He starts.

"About what?" I enquire.

"Jack, Connie and I have…had…have a part time job to help Jason… Anyway about a year and a half Connie and I got to go home walking, because Jack couldn't make it with the car. We got attacked by four guys. They beat me to the pulp and they… raped Connie… the four of them…" I can see rage boiling inside of him as he balls his fists.

"Did you report it?"

"Yes we did, but just because those motherfuckers had a lot of money they got out of it with nothing but a slap on their hands and their parents sent them away in Europe. How fucking great is that, huh?!" He says between clenched teeth.

He's breathing heavily and tries to calm himself. I give him some time.

"Since then Connie retreated into herself. She kept acting normal around Jason but she was just faking being fine. She attempted to kill herself more than once. The day she slit her wrist she was close to succeed. If I hadn't come home earlier…" His voice trail off. I give him time to compose himself again.

"Did she had any friend, confident?"

"The only friend of her I ever met was Tawny."

The alarm bells are playing a symphony in my head at this name. "Do you know where I can find her, or her last name?" I ask eagerly.

"No, sorry."

"Can you tell me what does she look like?"

"Dark hair, green eyes… Look I saw her something like three times and it was never more than one minute. And that was more than six months ago."

Damn it!

"Alright. Do you know where your sister got tattooed?"

"No, sorry."

"Did you ever see this girl?" I ask him showing him a picture of Joan.

"She doesn't ring any bell."

I sigh with frustration.

"Ok, I think we're done for now, but if you remember anything please call us."

"I will." Terry says honestly. "Please don't tell Jason what I told you, he would blame himself."

We nod and watch him leave the room.

I turn to Greg. "What do you think?"

"I think that Tawny is the key of this case."

"Yeah but seems like she's a ghost."

"Well until we find something more about her we should go ask Joan's parents about her tattoos." He says.

"Yeah, let's go."

xxxxx

I stop the car in front of a huge one story house, the Cavanaughs' house. We get in front of their door and I knock. A tired and sad Mark opens the door to us. He looks older than the last time I saw him, his look is dull and his expression hollow. He steps back, silently inviting us inside.

"What can I do for you?" He asks flatly.

"Did you know that Joan was tattooed?" I ask.

"Yes. We allowed her to have tattoos, because she needed it. She needed to feel like she had the control of her body; that she wasn't a toy and that her body was hers and not someone's property like her so called father taught her. And we understood that."

"Do you by any chance know where she got tattooed?"

"Of course I do. I went with her to make sure the place was clean and the guys competent. It's on the strip the place is called 'Freakish'."

He looks on the drawer of one of his furniture and then gives us a card. "That's the address."

"Thank you sir."

He sighs. "Listen."

Greg and I stay quiet for a moment.

"Do you hear it?"

"Hear what?" I ask confused.

"The deafening silence. There are eight peoples in this house and the only thing you can ear is silence. It's like our family was a body without a heart." He says with watering eyes.

What is left to say?

He shakes his head and dries his eyes with the back of he's hand.

"When will we be able to bury our daughter?" He asks.

"Very soon. Believe us we're doing as fast as we can."

He just nods resigned.

"We better go, we'll keep you posted."

"I'd appreciate that."

He leads us back to the door. Once in the car Greg and I head toward the tattoo shop. We drive silently lost in our thoughts. We arrive there 20 minutes later.

"Can I help you beautiful?" A tall guy asks me with a sultry voice as I enter the shop. He has blue short hair, green eyes, pulpy cherry lips, his skin is lightly tanned, there are several tattoos on both of his arms and I'm sure there are more hiding underneath his clothes. He has a beautiful and expressive face, a penetrating gaze and charisma.

"I'm Sara Sidle form the Las Vegas crime lab and this is my partner Greg Sanders." I say with a sharp tone letting him know that I'm not here to play.

"I'm Puck." He says with a little sparkle in his eyes.

"What kind of name is that?" Greg chuckles.

"Do you have any real name?" I ask not a bit amused.

"Robin." He says with a grin apparently more amused by my anger not leaving my eyes. "Robin Goodfellow"

I raise an eyebrow to see if he's kidding me.

"Honest. My parents are suckers for that good old Will. Hence my nickname." He says with a light tone. "So what can I do for you?"

"Do you remember those girls?" I ask him showing him the pictures of Connie and Joan.

"I don't remember faces but if you show me tattoos I might be able to help you."

I show him the picture of the girl's tattoo, he doesn't take him more than three second to answer me.

"That's Dan's work." He says locking again his eyes with mine.

"And where can I find him."

"Right now he's on holidays."

"It's important, those two girls have been murdered and he might be the only one to help us." I say some what irritated. Robin expression becomes more serious suddenly.

"I really want to help you but he's unavailable even for me. When Dan goes on holidays he takes a backpack with spare clothes, his ID, some cash, his toothbrush and that's it."

"When will he get back?" I ask.

"He says he would be back in four weeks, there's only three left now."

I sigh, it's like the whole world was conspiring against us.

"Sara…"

"Ms Sidle." I correct him.

He put his hand over his chest and feign hurt. "I'm sorry." He fixes me with an intent gaze for a moment. I feel unease and at the same time sucked up by his stare. He reminds me of Travis. "Ms Sidle, as soon as Dan comes back I'll send him to you."

"Here's my card, thanks for your cooperation Mr. Goodfellow." I say sharply.

"You're welcome beautiful."

I exit the shop before the want to crash my fist in his face overtake me.

Punk!


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter 44: Catherine**

"Come in." I say at my closed door.

I see a rather tired Sara. She enters my office and closes the door behind her. She sends me a weak smile and comes closer and sits on the chair in front of my desk.

"How are you doing?" She asks.

"A little better than you do since I had some sleep." I joke.

"Yeah." She chuckles.

We stay silent a minute enjoying each other's company. I look up at her and she's lost in thoughts. She realizes that I'm staring at her so she focuses back on me.

"Sorry." She says sheepishly.

"It's ok." I grin. "You wanted something by the way?"

"Not really I was thinking about you and I needed to have a little time with you only." She confesses.

"You're sweet." If only we weren't at work I could get up and take her in my arms. I could take one of my favorite position, that is to say sit on her lap my head in the hollow of her neck.

We let silence surrounding us again. After a long moment she sighs.

"I better go. I have a lot left to do." She announces

"Ok. Thank you for passing by." I say softly.

She just smiles "See you later home." And with that she leaves my office.

On one side I feel warm inside just because I saw her and to be honest I missed her today while I was home alone. It's not the same to sleep without her. Ever since we've been living together I need her presence to be ok, to feel complete. Sometime we're lucky enough to have matching shift some other we just cross each other. But the bottom line is that we manage to have some quality time together as short as it is.

On the other side Sara never acted like that. Never at work at least. I know it might have seemed like nothing special but the truth behind her action is that she came for comfort. She came to me. Once again she didn't say anything but she made the effort to come to me. Well I should look at the glass as half full rather than half empty. But truth to be told I don't.

You see she came to me which is a good point, but at the same time she kept me at distance. How? She came to me at work. She knew that no matter what that invisible line we have drawn wasn't to be crossed. So I'm more frustrated now because in spite of her efforts she's keeping me out of her world.

xxxxx

"I don't know what you're talking about." The suspect answers with his best innocent tone.

Mac Leary, 22, and murdered two of his friends Gabriel Tobin and Gale Marshall. He stitched their lips and ripped out their hearts… literally speaking. After that he went out to a party for the week end and came back as if nothing ever happened. Thing is that he didn't even try to cover what he did. He's an ass thinking he is the smartest guy on the planet, but this genius is about to take a lesson on forensic sciences by professor Willows and her assistant Mr. Brown. Let's show begin.

"I'm talking about Gabriel and Gale" Warrick starts again.

"What about them?"

"They've been murdered."

"Damn… that's a shame." He says nonchalantly.

"You don't seem too upset about it." Warrick replies.

"Well, life can be cruel sometime but what can I do about it?"

"I guess you're right." Warrick says sweetly. "So tell me when was the last time you saw them?"

"Something like a week ago."

"So you weren't with them Friday?"

"I just told you."

"I know but if you're sure of your answer then we have a problem." Warrick informs him.

"What do you mean?"

Warrick shows him some pictures.

"Friday you were at the club named 'The Globe'. There are cameras inside and guess what? They show you there in company of Gale and Gabriel. Looks like you were having fun." Warrick states. "So I'm asking you again. When was the last time you saw them?"

"Friday I guess." He chuckles nervously.

"What happened then?"

"We had a few drinks and that's it."

"That's it?" Warrick repeats.

"What are you, deaf?" Mac spits with disdain.

There's something off with his behavior. I can't put my finger on it but something is wrong somewhere.

"I just need to understand what happened to them." Warrick comes back calmly.

"I can't help you." Mac says as an evidence.

"What do you do in life?" Warrick pursues.

"I'm studying physics." Mac answers proudly.

"Lot of stuffs to remember right?"

"Yeah."

"That must be hard for you." Warrick keeps on.

"Fuck you man! I'm no moron!"

"I'm just saying that you must have difficulties since you have troubles with your long term memory."

"What are you talking about?" Mac starts to fidget in his sit.

Even his nervousness looks fake. Everything is too much, too exaggerated, like a bad comedian.

"What my partner is trying to tell you is that we know you killed Gabriel Tobin and Gale Marshall." I say with a sharp tone.

"What?! Lady you're out of your mind!" Mac shouts.

"Watch your tone while you're speaking to me ok."

"That's where you should consider to call your lawyer." Warrick provides.

"You people are crazy. Look I don't know what happened to them. That night we drunk a lot and I blacked out, the next thing I remember I woke up half clothed on my couch."

I let a minute pass looking at him intensely. I take back what I have said about him being an ass. I interviewed a lot of perps in my life. Lot of them lie blatantly until we nail them, some are bad at lying and sometime I wonder how they can buy their own lies, I mean a kid could do better. But Mac belongs to that rare category of perp who not only enjoy what they did and don't think of it as a big deal, but like to play with us. There's a term for those perps: psychopaths.

Psychopaths are very conscious of what they do. Generally they do it to get some sort of rush of satisfaction, and being high with pleasure. They're turned on with what they do even if this mean cutting people into little pieces. They are extremely intelligent and they can fool their world just snapping their fingers.

Mac is hiding behind the image he's sending to the outside. When you look at him he looks like the honest reliable guy, truly genuine and adorable. But if you sustain his stare then you will see how cold and dark he truly is.

"Quit playing the goofy nice guy who doesn't understand why he's here." I start looking at him straight in the eyes. "Stupidity doesn't suit you."

For a moment he keeps on pretending but then a sparkle lights up in his eyes and a smirk forms itself on his lips. Suddenly he's not anymore the nervous and innocent guy he was two minutes ago. He straightens up and suddenly the cold-hearted killer in him comes out to play. Now he looks smug and amused.

"Busted." He smirks. "I have a bad poker face. I actually almost laugh two minutes ago." He giggles a little.

"You should call your lawyer." I warn him.

"And what use of such a person could I make?"

"Fine, suit yourself."

"Let's have some fun." He says with enthusiasm. "What's your theory?" He sounds excited. It's like we were just playing at _cluedo_.

"Well Friday night you call Gale and Gabriel to have a few drinks with them. So far nothing is wrong it's a usual thing for your little trio. So you go at 'The Globe' and have a nice evening, but then they start to make out. You don't say anything but inside you're boiling. A little after 1:00 a.m., the three of you leave the club and go to Gabriel's place. It's a nice big and calm house. Once inside I bet you chat a while before they start to make out again but this time your jealousy get the better of you and you kill Gabriel first. But it appears that even if girls like bad guys they don't like killers so Gale becomes a threat and you kill her too." I expose my theory.

All the while I was talking Mac's eyes never left mine and he had that cocky smile on his lips. I wait a minute and then all the sudden he burst into a laugher. It'' a creepy laugh, a devil's laugh, deep and throaty.

"Have you ever thought about being a comedian? Gosh… You'd be good." Mac says after composing himself again whipping an invisible tear off his eyes.

I look at him intently not a bit amused and angry at him for laughing at me. He stares back and then his look changed if it's possible it's even colder than two minutes ago. He scares me a little but I don't let it show.

"Look at me. Do you really think I would be jealous of Gabriel over that… sow?" He grins. "In physics as in human relationships it's all about dynamic." He lets his word sink challenging me with his eyes. "Come on try again." He challenges me with a wink.

"You were jealous of Gale over Gabriel." I state logically after a moment.

"I think you could say that." He says seriously. "He and I were lovers. But that little bitch wouldn't understand that." His tone is controlled and calm, cold even. "He and I had something powerful and true. He was addicted to me and I was addicted to him. It went beyond everything."

"But he was playing around with Gale." I add.

"It was just a game for him. She wanted something and he didn't want to hurt her feelings. But in the end he belonged to me. So I didn't care." Mac shrugged.

"Really?" I push him. His stare becomes aggressive but he keeps his anger under control.

"When he and I were alone he was telling me what he really thought about Gale. That he had pity for her. That he loved me and only me and that she was nothing. That he only played with her because she was neurotic and that he knew that if he turned her down she would threaten to suicide. And bla bla bla…She was smothering him. I tried to tell him that if he always gave in he would never get rid of her. But he wouldn't listen to me" Despise is flowing from his words when he talks about Gale.

"Let me guess, you found out he was lying?" I try. "Poor little guy, you understood that you were naive." I say openly mocking him. He stares at me with so much hate that it freezes me, but I don't let it show.

"We got back to Gabe's house it was something like 2:00 a.m.. He and I were making out then all the sudden she came out of nowhere and started to claim that he was in love with her. Then I learnt that he was talking on my back to her and that he said ugly things. Even if I knew he was only doing it because of her it stung." He chuckles in spite of the genuine pain his eyes display.

"Anyway, she was venting her spleen and he was staying silent. He took her side and that pissed me off so I got out. All those things I was feeling were burning me from inside, it was chocking me. When I got back he was telling that slut that I was nothing to him and that she was the only one." There's deep pain written all over his face.

"That did it." I say quietly.

His look becomes hateful, and he has this smug evil smile. "Playing with her was one thing, playing with me was a stupid move to make." He says coldly.

"I knocked both of them out. Then I taped their hands and feet. First I went to find a needle and some threads and then I stitched their mouth because they were liars and only said ugly things." He says that with a big smile. "But the feelings on my chest wouldn't stop and I didn't know what it was. You know I feel everything tenfold. My feelings are so powerful that once unleashed I don't get to control them. I didn't know what I was feeling."

He seems on high just thinking about what he did. I can tell you that he enjoyed himself.

"You loved him but you hated her. Two extreme feelings." I fill the blanks.

He grins and shakes his head. "Love and Hate…it the same and unique feeling. The only thing that changes is the purpose." He says pensively. "I went on the kitchen and picked a knife. Then I made them feel like I did. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, smashed onto the ground and burnt. Gabe woke up while I was finishing to extract Gale's heart out. I looked straight in his eyes when I took his out. Smashed the two stones onto the ground and burnt them."

He bites his lips in pleasure as he remembers, but the pressure he applies onto his lips is enough to split his bottom lip in two. A drop of blood start to run out. He licks it staring at me and smile widely. If madness had a name it would be Mac Leary. It's like there was no soul inside that body.

"You want to know what I thought?" He asks me with a cold stare but with the pleasure of murder oozing from him.

"Humor me." I reply.

"What the point of having such an appendage as a heart if they never use it anyway?" He giggles. "I sent them back where they belong; among the stones."

"You are rotten from inside, and rest assure that I'm about to send you back where you belong." I pause. "Crawling among the vermin of your kind." I tell him with a angry but controlled voice.

His face becomes hard and he looks at me as if eyes could kill. It sends shiver down my spine, but I hold his gaze. He leans a bit toward me not leaving my gaze.

"My heart might be rotten but unlike some…it's beating." He smiles cockily and blows me a kiss.

"Cuff him." I say with disgust before leaving the room.

xxxxx

I got out of my interview with Mac psychopath Leary and I'm still a bit shaken by the coldness of this man.

"Cath?" Warrick's voice takes me out of my thoughts. "You okay?"

"Honestly, I don't know." I sigh. "It would never cease to stun me how heartless and cruel people can be toward each other." I say disgusted. "I… how…" I hit the table of the break room with my fist.

Warrick silently walks to me and takes me in his arms. "Lucky us everybody isn't like that. Lucky us there are still things out there that worst the fight we're putting everyday."

I abandon myself in his embrace, calming myself in the process.

"Why don't you go home to find the little princess and Sar?" He asks me pulling back a little to look at me. "I'll take care of the paperwork today ok?"

I nod gently, glad to accept his offer. "Thanks Rick." I kiss him on the cheek. "I love you, you know that right?"

"Yes I do, and I love you too. Now go home refill yourself with love and care." He says with a soft smile. He kisses my forehead and then let me go.

I go into Grissom's office after a fruitless search of Sara.

"Did you see Sara, by any chance?" I ask.

"I sent her home an hour ago." He answers without shifting his attention from his paperwork.

"Ok , thanks." I start to leave.

"Catherine?" He calls me back. I turn around and look at him again. "If you see her still inside the building tell her that I'm not happy." He looks at me and smiles a bit.

"I will. And I'll take care of her punishment for being a naughty girl personally." I say suggestively and wink at him.

"Get out of my office." He says giggling.

xxxxx

I wait in front of Linds' school for her to get out. The moment she sees me she smiles brightly. Her smile washes over me and starts to take away the horror of my day.

"Hey babe." I take her in my arms and hold her tight.

"Hey mom."

She tells me about her day during the drive home. Once we pass the threshold of our house I look around but Sara isn't in sight so I guess she might be sleeping.

I have a snack with Lindsey and we spend a quality time together.

"What?" I ask her since she's been staring at le for a long silent minute.

She gets up and gives me a big comforting and loving hug. When she pulls back after a moment she says. "You looked a bit sad so I thought that maybe with a special hug it will be better."

"I feel much, much better now, thank you sweetie."

"No problem, I love you mom."

"I love you too."

She helps me to clean the kitchen and then she goes into her room to work.

I take a quick shower and go in bed. But to my surprise Sara isn't there. I try to call her but she doesn't answer her cell phone. I start to worry a bit. It's not normal. It's not like her to disappear without a word. I call Greg to see if they're together. But he tells me that they went separate ways hours ago. I try again Sara's cell but I don't get any answer. I leave a message and decide to call back in a few moments.

There's a weird sting in my stomach but I reassure myself . I'm being paranoid. She's fine. There's no reason to panic. No reason at all.

Right?


	45. Chapter 45

**And it goes down hill form here...yeah I like this song... ;)

* * *

**

Chapter 45: Sara

There's a constant vibration trying to break the thick fog of my mind. Right now it's like my brain had sunk into the quicksand hiding inside my cranium. Soon the vibration turns into a piercing sound. It reverberates itself, banging against every inch of my head. Within seconds the symphony for jackhammers starts playing itself. I can feel nausea invading me and the pain is only getting worse as I fall back into consciousness. The sound stops. There might be some mercy in this world after all.

I believe I'm lying somewhere. Either that or I'm dead.

xxxxx

The assassin's sound strikes back, only this time it's worse as I'm totally conscious of it. Somehow it managed to be louder than… when was it anyway?

Then I can feel my synapses sending me a message. The word 'phone' starts to blink brightly in front of my closed eyes. It takes me a moment to establish the connection between this word and the reality. My brain starts to work again and sends me more elaborate signals like 'phone, ringing, picking up…' and so on. Oh…right… now I get it.

I reach blindly for the source of the noise and luckily find it within reach.

"Hel…" My voice is hollow, it sounds far away even to me. I clear my throat and try again "Sidle." I hear myself say.

I can't make a word of what's being said on the other end of the line. Little by little my brain gets sharper and translates me the shrieking sounds in the other side of the receiving into intelligible words.

_"… that little black thing you're holding is not a fucking jukebox, it's a fucking cell phone!!! So when it makes music and lights up you're supposed to answer it god fucking damned it!!"_

It takes me time to reprocess the information calmly and then sending new ones to my mouth.

"Cath?"

_"I've been calling you for the last four hours!!"_

I take some time to process the information again and come back with an answer.

"Huh?"

I hear a frustrated and angry sigh. _"Sara are you drunk?"_

She's shouting her words and it doesn't help the throbbing pain in my cranium. Another pause.

"No… I'm not." Well at least not as far as I remember.

_"Where the hell are you?!"_ She yells louder

Here starts the first variation of the Jackhammers' symphony. Fuck.

When I understand the question I realize that try as it might my brain doesn't have the answer. And seeing how hard and painful it is to process simple information I'd rather not try to use my memory. I make a surreal effort to open my eyes.

_"Sara are you still there?"_ Cath asks angrily. _"Answer me!"_

The only sound that cross my lips is a groan. I just can't do two things at once right now. Either I talk into the phone, or I give the needed information to my body for it to move.

My eyes are open and try hard to focus. Cath's voice is still resounding in my ear but I don't know what she's saying. As everything takes place in front me I start to understand where I am and what happened.

"Cath…" She keeps on talking and doesn't listen to me. "Cath…" I try again but it's pointless. I can feel a new wave of pain and nausea for what I'm about to do. "Cath!" I shout. My head spins a little I give everything I've got left to speak again. "I… call you later." I hang up on her protestations and throw my offending cell phone somewhere in the room.

I manage to sit and take another look at the mess surrounding me and catch my head in my hands.

What have I done?

xxxxx

Some undetermined time later I take my head out of its resting place on my hands. Another hand that doesn't belong to me appears in front of me with a glass of some fizzy liquid.

"Here." A soft voice says.

I move my head up further to see the face of my interlocutor. But my movement is way to fast for my sore body and my head starts to spin again.

"Take it easy Sunshine." The voice replies.

Travis. Of course it's him because Travis is living on my apartment for the time being. I'm relaxed by his presence. I don't feel shame or discomfort because somehow this is a dance we have perfected a long time ago.

"Drink, your head will be better in no time." He's crouches besides the couch and he caresses my back in a soothing motion.

I do as I'm told and as every time this thing taste really bad, a long time ago I baptized it 'Nectar of decomposed body fluids'. Yeah you get the idea. He takes back the empty glass and goes to the kitchen and then comes back next to me. This time he sits on the couch and face me.

He caresses my face and my hair to comfort me with one hand while the other is holding one of my hands. This is good. Boy did I miss that intimacy. Once he feels that I'm relaxed and a little better he stops the motion of his hand on my hair but keeps on holding the other. He kisses my forehead gently and then sits back. My head has stopped throbbing and I don't feel nauseous anymore.

"What happened?" I ask him with a weak voice.

"Well I was out making my early run. When I came back the living room was trashed and you were sitting against the wall, passed out. I put you on the couch."

"Thanks." I'm grateful because he knows what to do in any circumstances that's why we generally don't need to speak to each other.

"You hurt yourself a bit it's just superficial scratches but I took care of it anyway."

I just nod, grateful to have him. He gives me some time to process the information he just gave me.

"I remember coming here to talk to you and sitting on the couch. Then I remember waking up with Cath screaming at me over the phone." I tell him.

"Sorry my timing sucked." He says gently with a soft smile.

He stays silent knowing that I need time to express my thought.

"There was a girl at work… Connie Philips she had tried… she… her too had made the same choice as I did. It made me think of what I had done and more specifically about that Day." I explain him. No need to elaborate we both know what I'm talking about.

Absentmindedly he caresses my wrist as if to erase the pain and the memory behind the faint scar there. We stay silent, I'm looking at him while he's looking in front of him. I know where he is right now. He's back on my home fifteen years ago, he thinks of that day he came back and found me in the bathroom walking on the thin line between life and death.

"T?" I call him back into the present.

"What came out of your reflection?" He asks me. He focuses his attention back to me. He's looking at me with that love that is only ours and no one else.

"Nothing good judging by the living room." I say looking at my now broken coffee table and all the books, glasses, and frames lying around.

He nods and gets lost in his thoughts again.

"Cath said she'd been trying to call me for hours. Why didn't you answer the phone?" I ask him changing the subject.

"This is a conversation we'll have later." He states seriously. "As for your answer, I didn't answer the phone because you made the choice to avoid her."

"What?"

"You had the choice between coming here and going back home. You chose to come here to avoid her, something we're both aware of. I've always told you, there's almost nothing I wouldn't do for you, crossing hell bare feet being there for you come high water or the apocalypse. But if there's one thing I'll never do it's taking your responsibilities and you know it." He says with a calm voice.

"I didn't avoid her." I protest.

"Really? She knows then?"

Now I don't like the turn of this conversation.

"Travis, don't start." I warn him. "Stay away from this." My tone is harsh.

"Then take your responsibilities!" He snaps back. His voice is even but I can feel the anger behind it. "Answering your phone would have meant either telling her you were here and she would have come here to find you in this state – something we both know you don't want; or me blatantly lying to cover your back since you haven't spoken to her. And if you think that I will play the go-between, you are fooling yourself."

"I don't need to hear this now." I reply.

"And since when am I telling you what you need or want to hear?"

We're staring at each other with all the violent passion our arguments generally generate.

"This is an argument we'll finish another time. You have two hours to get ready for work. Go take a shower while I'm fixing you something to eat. Then I'll take care of your wounds again." He says before getting up, effectively ending our argument.

xxxxx

I'm ready to go to work. Travis and I are silently having a breakfast on my kitchen counter.

Once we have cleaned up and I have brushed my teeth I start to leave for work.

"Talk to her." Travis says with a neutral voice.

I turn to look at him and send him a death glare. "I believe I told you to stay away from this." I say with a sharp voice.

"You did." He simply says, holding my gaze. He sighs. "Fine. But you know what's said about playing with fire…" He stands and starts to walk to the bedroom. "Have a nice day." He sends me over his shoulder.

Sure.

xxxxx

I arrive at work with fifteen minutes to spare. Greg is already in the break room.

"Hey Sar, good evening." He greets me with a smile and a steaming mug of coffee.

"Back at you and thanks."

We share a comfortable silence before our shift starts. Then Greg has to go grab something in the locker room leaving me on my own. A rather grim Nick enters the room.

"Hey Nicky boy, bad case?" I ask with concern.

"Nope, mad boss." He says carefully looking around. He goes to the coffee pot and pours himself a mug. "Saying Catherine is pissed off would be a huge understatement. She's in a fury mode." He takes a big gulp of his coffee. "We're working on a dry B&E and she's pushing us like it was the high profile case of the century." He sighs "I've never been so eager to see the end of a shift."

I take pity on him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Hold on, it will end at some point or another."

He snorts "Yeah, the sooner the better." He replies before finishing his coffee with one more big gulp. "Just between us, whoever put her in this mood is a dead person walking. But if I got the chance I would gladly kick that person's ass right now."

I guess now is not the time to tell him that he's talking to that very person at the moment.

"Nick!" an angry voice rings from the corridor. Nick sends me a desperate look before putting his brave face on. "I asked you a report half an hour ago and I still don't see it in my hands." Catherine says, stopping her walk on the threshold of the room. She gives me one quick glance with a violence I never saw in her before. I don't move and just hold calmly her gaze.

"Tea party is over Nick get me that report and if you get bored go help Warrick!" She orders. She keeps Nick from answering holding up her hand. "Get back to work."

Nick turns to put down his mug and looks at me once more. He arched his eyebrows to show me his misery, I send him a compassionate and apologetic look.

"Now, Nick!" Catherine says before going back from where she came from. Nick leaves the room almost running.

Well I've never been so eager in my life for a shift to last.

"Wow, Catherine is mad, she nearly knocked me down while I didn't move out of her way fast enough, and I'm glad look can't kill because I'd be dead." Greg says reappearing. He looks at me silently. "Is everything ok at home?" He asks.

I just glare back at him letting him know clearly that this isn't a topic we're going to talk about.

"Shut up Greg this is none of your business… right?" He answers himself.

"Something like that yes." I reply calmly.

"Greg, Sara, just the ones I was looking for." Grissom says entering the room. "I just sent Sophia to her scene and I'd like to have a word with you before going to mine. My office please."

Once in his office Greg and I sit down and wait.

"I want an update on the 'fallen angels' cases."

"Well we have two victims, females, according to the families they didn't know each other but since they have the exact same tattoos on the exact same places and that those have been made by the same artist we're inclined to think that they did. They both have been abused sexually, they were solitary and they had a common friend Tawny which is just a name so far." I summarize.

"Interesting. Any new leads?"

"Not so far."

"Ok. I need you to put that case on hold." He announces.

"What? Griss…" I protest.

"Sara, there are too many cases at the moment for me to spare two peoples. I didn't ask you to give up on your case just to put it on hold. It means that you'll be working on different cases for the time being, and as soon as something new comes up you work on your case again. Got it?"

I sigh. "You make it sound like a choice." He looks at me exasperated. "Yes, we got it."

Greg and I stand to leave. "Oh, by the way Sara, you have to leave on time until the end of the month, which mean the next three nights if you don't want to be stuck here for next three weeks."

"Great." I snort. "Anything else?"

"Yes, here's your assignment. See you later."

xxxxx

I make my head move in circle in order to work the kink on my neck. I look at the clock. One hour and I'll have to go. Greg and I have been working non stop on an arson case. We're moving painfully slow, but we're moving.

"Hey I've got a serial number on this piece of metal." Greg says.

Something snaps in my head and I rush out of the room to the morgue. "Sara, wait… What…?" I hear Greg asks before following me.

I enter the morgue and find Doc on his way home.

"Sara, what fire brought you here?" He asks taking a look at me.

"Greg gave me an idea."

"I did." A breathless Greg says from behind me. I jus nod in answer.

"I need a sample of ink from all the tattoos of both Connie and Joan. Each tattoo ink is unique. It's classified with a serial number, and composition from one ink to another differs…" I start before Greg cuts me off.

"Euh Sar? I thought we've established that all the tattoos have been done at 'Freakish' by Dan, so… what do you want to do with those samples?"

"Well first it would strengthen the link with the tattoo shop then it might be useful to make some sort of chronology. I mean it could be useful to know if the girls did their tattoos the same day or with a year of difference, it could help us to define their relationship. Besides we're walking with blindfolds so any new information is good to take."

Greg nods at my reasoning. We turn our attention to Doc again.

"Consider it done." He says with a smile and go start to make the samples.

xxxxx

Shift is over. Do you know what that mean? Well it mean that now I'm going back home facing Cath. Any volunteer to take my place? Yeah, I thought so.

xxxxx

I take a deep breath before using my keys to open the door or for the time being the gates of hell. Get a grip Sidle!

I enter silently the house and hear sounds coming from the kitchen. I close the door behind me and go face my fate. Cath has her back facing me as she's rinsing what I guess should be her mug of coffee. I stay near the island and try to think of appropriate words to start. Here's what I know, there's an argument on its way so my job is to manage to explain Cath what happened yesterday and keep the game quiet.

She turns around and I can see that she's less than happy to see me. I take a deep breath, well, may the force be with me.

"Good morning." I say. Not a great way to start I know but it's the first thing I could think of.

She looks at me in disbelief and shakes her head. She walks to me and makes her way behind me without a word. I turn around and see her continuing her way to our bedroom.

"Avoiding the matter won't solve it." I say.

She snorts and turns to face me "You, of all people, are going to give me advice about avoiding matters? Now that's rich!"

"I deserve that." I sigh. "I'm sorry, although I think you might be overreacting."

"Overreacting? Are you kidding me?" She snaps.

"I know I should have called but I didn't plan what happened and…"

"Do you have any idea of what I've been through yesterday? Any idea at all?! Do you?!" She shouts. I open my mouth to answer but before I can make a sound she continues. "I'm sure you don't. I was worried to death that something bad had happened to you, that you were hurt or worse! I called everywhere and no one knew where you were! I even called the hospitals!" She's panting now and her face is strained with tears.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you worry…"

"You wouldn't answering your phone and when I finally reached you, you hung up on me…Oh and by the way I'm still waiting for you to return that call!" She shouts bitterly.

I feel like crap. I hate myself for putting her in so much pain. On the other hand I didn't plan what happened last night. I close the distance between us and try to take her in my arms to comfort her but she pushes me away.

"Don't!"

I sigh. I take a second to calm myself and find the right words.

"I went to my apartment to say something to Travis but he wasn't there and then… I passed out from exhaustion. Next thing I remember is waking up with you on the phone screaming at me…"

"You hung up on me." She repeats with resent.

"I was having a big headache and your screaming weren't helping."

I try to take her in my arms again. At first she struggles out of the embrace but then she sets back into it. Her crying increase and I just hold her silently.

"You scared the hell out of me." She manages to say between two sobs.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I was supposed to be there only five minutes and then I passed out. You know me I would have called sooner if I had planned on not coming back home."

"That's why it scared me so much. Because it wasn't like you… and I wasn't able to reach you for hours…"

"I'm fine. I'm back home, and nothing has happened to me." I squeeze her gently. "Forgive me, ok? I didn't plan what happened."

We stay a long moment holding each other, before we decide on going to bed.

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**I know I haven't given you much but, I'll be back probably tomorrow with more so...**

**Thanks for reading ;)**


	46. Chapter 46

**Thank you so much for your reviews! Here's two new chapters!**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So

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Chapter 46: Catherine **

Sara's sleeping next to me. I'm watching her closely. She's so close to me right now and yet so far.

We had a fight earlier about yesterday. She didn't come home and since I couldn't reach her I'd started to fear the worst. I don't think she truly realizes what she means to me, how important she is.

Yesterday I was hysterical, totally blinded by fear. I couldn't think about a rational explanation as to why she wouldn't answer her phone or where she could be.

I used to be strong and rational when it came to relationships. I used to have control over them. But I don't anymore. Before, I could take any blows, bite back the pain, put back together my bruised ego and move on. With Sara it has all changed. I went weak, even if most of the time I don't show it, she makes me weak.

She makes me weak because I love her. And I can't bear the mere idea of my life without her now. Like right now just thinking about it makes me cry.

It's a scary thing to know that I'm devoted body, heart and soul to someone who ultimately is a complete stranger to me.

I get closer to her and hang on her tight. That way I can feel grounded, that way I feel safe, that way I can pretend that the huge gap between us is just an illusion.

xxxxx

"You're worrying me."

"I'm fine Nance." I answer flatly.

"No you're not. First you're silent and then you have _the _look."

"What do you mean, _the_ look?"

"The one saying you're lost and broken hearted." She pauses. "Sara didn't break your heart did she?"

"No, she didn't. But lately she… how can I put this…" I look up to the ceiling and sigh. "Lately she's giving it a hard time… not consciously but she does."

Nancy frowns "How?"

"She puts me on a roller coaster. We… Lately our lovemaking has been fantastic, not that it wasn't before but for those last two weeks when she touched me it was…"

"Wow, time out ok!" Nancy cuts me making a T with her hands. "I'm willing to listen to you but I have to face the both of you after that so please keep it light with the details."

"I wasn't going to give you details you pervert!" I snort. "If you'd let me finish you would have heard me say that lately when she touched me or when she made love to me she actually brought me to a level of intimacy that I ignored so far. I can't explain but it is amazing."

"From my point of view it is a rather good thing." Nancy replies.

"It is, really I'm not complaining about that, far away from it. It's just that… We get so close from one another and then she gets distant. And it's not a gap that settles between us, it's a freaking galaxy! She retreats into herself, she barely speaks to me, she tenses whenever she feels I'm near, she spends hours zoning out in silence. Then when I try to talk to her we're always on the edge of arguing." I collect my thoughts a bit before going on "She has nightmares when I try to calm her down she's rejecting me and walks away from me. When she doesn't have nightmares, she has an agitated sleep or doesn't sleep at all and when I ask her if everything is ok she says that everything is fine but the truth is that it's not." I say barely taking time to breathe.

"Play with her hair." Nancy says suddenly. I look at her with puzzled, I wonder if she has listened to me at all. "When she has an agitated sleep." She adds. "Play with her hair and if it's not enough sing her a song."

I look at her dumbfound. I can't believe what I'm hearing. "See? That's exactly what I'm talking about. I'm lost, I feel like I don't know my lover. No actually most of the time she's a stranger to me. Here I come telling you about it and you actually know her better than I do. Something is wrong with this picture!" I nearly shout. I start to pace frantically.

"Calm down Cath." She says to me gently.

"No, how come you know this kind of stuff and I don't anyway?!" I stop dead on my track when something hits me. "She has already talked to you." I state with disdain.

"No she hasn't. Lately we've been talking about myself and cars. Then wake up Cath, her and I have slept together almost every night for five months so yes I know this kind of stuff. Because she had an agitated sleep then." Nancy states calmly.

I let myself fall in my chair again. My head is spinning a little. "You slept together every night for five months? I didn't know that." I say with a hollow voice.

"I told you, her and I were sleeping on my couch."

"True. I just didn't know it was such a regular thing." I pause. "When did it start?" I ask curious and at the same time hurt.

"The first time was at your house during Linds' runaway." Yeah I remember that day. Sara had left me though she had promised she wouldn't and I found her on the couch sleeping with my sister. To this day I still don't know how they ended up sleeping together in the first place.

"Do you still sleep together?"

"Of course not! We decided to stop ever since the two of you got together. I'm a bit offended you'd even ask."

"Did you kissed her? Did you two ever had sex together?" I ask angrily.

"What?" Nancy exclaims. "Oh come on Cath! What's wrong with you?!"

"You're avoiding my questions. Well did you?!"

"No! We never kissed and we never had sex together! What does that have to do with the matter at hand anyway?"

"I'm just trying to figure out what I did wrong, where I'm mistaking. I mean even you are closer to her than I am!"

"Cath, we were sleeping on my couch not on a king sized bed, so if she had an agitated sleep I couldn't ignore it. I had to find a way to soothe her if I wanted the both of us to have rest. That's it, that's how I found out the hair trick. There's nothing more behind this." She sighs "I told you that just to help you. It wasn't a way to tell you that I know her better than you do because honestly? I don't think I do, ok?"

I compose myself again. See what I meant about being hysterical?

"I know I'm sorry it's just that…" I start and trail off. There's such a mess in my head right now. "Once she told me that the only reason she kept a wall between us was because I knew how to put her on her knees in less than ten words. Even now that we're lovers I feel like she has kept this wall up between us. That she doesn't totally trust me. And what hurts me right now is the fact that I don't know if she ever will." I say before starting to cry.

"Come here." Nancy says taking me into her arms and comforting me.

xxxxx

I'm reading a book, lying on my couch when I hear the door being open. Today it was Sara's turn to get Lindsey from school. We arrange ourselves so that we have our days to get her. It was an idea of Sara first because she wanted me to get some rest and then Lindsey picked her days she wanted me or Sara.

"We're home!" Sara announces between giggles.

"Hi mom!" Lindsey says before jumping on me to have a hug. Sometime I wonder where she finds so much energy.

"Hi baby." I give her a big hug and start to tickle her. I wait for her to turn as red as a tomato from all her laughing before letting her go. She runs to her room.

Suddenly a rose appears in front of me. "Hello." I hear Sara's sultry voice behind me. I take the rose and I receive a kiss on the hollow of my neck.

"Thanks" I say before turning my head and capturing her lips.

But what was supposed to be a gentle light kiss turns rapidly into a deep, passionate and lust-filled kiss. Sara straddle the couch to get herself on top of me. Then in the back of my head I register the sound of someone coughing. It's when the coughing becomes louder that I understand what it is. Sara and I break apart with raging breath. Even after all this time together she manages to makes the world fade away when we kiss. We turn our attention to the source of the unwelcome noise.

Lindsey is standing there above us trying to keep a serious face but she just can't hide her grin. "I'm sorry to interrupt you but… Sara, I need your help for my homework." She starts to leave but turns around again. "I give you five more minutes but then… WORK." She says mimicking me, moving her finger with authority and keeping her other hand on her hip.

Sara and I look at each other, we're on the same wavelength: she has to pay for this one. We get up from the couch and start to subtly surrounding Lindsey.

"Honey did you hear that?" Sara says pensively.

"Yeah." I play along. "Listen it's starting again."

"I don't hear anything." Lindsey says puzzled.

"How strange…Cath it sounds like it was…"

"I think it is." I say getting closer from Lindsey who is unaware of what's happening.

"What? What is it?" She asks eagerly.

Sara agitates her fingers in front of Lindsey who now understands what' we're talking about. "Oh no, no way, stay away from me." She starts to walk backwards but bumps into me and I start to tickle her before Sara joins me. Lindsey make a squeaking sounds. "That's unfair…" She manages to say.

Sara and I put her on the couch so that now I'm tickling her hips while Sara takes care of her feet.

Five minutes later we decide to end Lindsey's misery. Sara and her go working in her bedroom while I go into mine. My breath gets stuck in my throat when I see a huge bouquet of red roses on the bed.

I can't wait to have a moment alone with Sara.

xxxxx

I wake up alone in bed. I get out of the room in search of Sara. I find her sitting on the kitchen window ledge in the kitchen, her favorite spot.

"I didn't wake you did I?" She asks me without facing me.

Her sixth sense won't ever cease to amaze me, although sometimes I find it terrifying.

"Your absence did." I answer. I go to her and caress her hair. She leans into my touch resting her head against my stomach and sighs. "Something's wrong?" I ask.

"Nah, I just couldn't sleep." She dismisses me once.

"What's on your mind?" I try again.

"A lot of stuff. Cases, memories, thoughts… Nothing interesting."

"Tell me?"

She sighs and shakes her head. "I don't want to bother you with this."

I get away from her. Once again she has rejecting me and once again I'm pissed at her for doing so. I ponder going back to bed but I know that I won't get back to sleep seeing how upset I am right now. On the other hand I know that as far as Sara is concerned the conversation is over. I sigh loudly.

"Cath?"

"I… I just don't understand why you can't talk to me." I tell her.

"What do you mean?" Her tone is genuine.

I think that it's probably what upsets me the most. The fact that she doesn't actually see the problem.

"This, you always reject me whenever I want you to talk to me!" I say exasperated.

"I'm not rejecting you it's just that what I think is not that interesting." She shrugs.

"I don't mind if it's interesting or not, I want you to talk to me."

"About what?"

"Whatever's in your mind!"

"Fine." She complies.

"What's in you mind lately?"

"Nothing special." She shrugs again.

I should have known that it couldn't be that easy. Now I'm fuming. Her evasive answers are even worse than her silences. "You got to be kidding me!" I say with an angry tone.

"Cath, there's nothing special…" She starts again but I cut her.

"Yeah sure, so you're having sleepless nights thinking about nothing special." I snap.

"What do you want from me Cath?" She asks confused.

"I want you to talk to me goddamn it!!" I shout.

"Why is it so important?"

"Don't you get it? It's important because I want to know you. I need to know you." All my confused thoughts start to pour from me now. "You're here in your world where I don't fit! I just want to know you is that too much to ask?" She doesn't say anything, just standing there in front of me. "I…You…Most of the time you're so distant… Most of the time you're a stranger to me Sara!… I can't just… I don't want to be just a warm body in your bed, can you understand that?!!"

"You know that's not what you are Cath!" She says hurt.

"Well that's the feeling I get!" I'm panting because I'm on the verge of tears. "I want to have real part in your life Sara. All I'm asking is for you to trust me!"

"I trust you!"

"Then talk to me! You swore you would try to talk to me but you're not trying very hard if you're trying at all!" I take a deep breath to calm myself. "One thing Sara." I continue with a soft voice now. "One single and simple thing Sara, that's all I'm asking you. One simple goddamned thing."

Silence suddenly surrounds us. She seems to be thinking about what I just said. And I have this desperate feeling of drowning into the quicksand of panic.

"I…" She starts then sighs. She comes to me and tries to hug me but I push her touch away.

"Don't!… You always do that!" I tell her vehemently. Now she looks lost, hurt and confused. "Every time we have a fight, or every time I tell you we have a problem, you just hug me and say that you're sorry. But in the end nothing changes! I don't want that anymore. I don't want you to hug me Sara, I need you to talk to me! How hard is it to understand?!"

I'm pissed off beyond belief. I'm tired of always have the bad part in our relationship. I'm tired of always be the one to be mature and face the problem. I'm tired to feel like I was the only one involved in this relationship.

But right now what pisses me off more than anything is her silence. I want to shake her senseless!! Before I get to do anything her cell rings.

"Sidle…Grissom…No…Grissom…Grissom…It's my day off call Sofia!…No…" She marks a pause and I can actually hear Grissom shouting over the phone which is making Sara angrier. She sighs loudly. "Fine! Give me 30 minutes…Grissom that's the best I can do ok!!" She shouts back before hanging up on him.

She turns to me "I have to go to work." She says uselessly.

"Yeah I think I figured that out." I reply still mad at her. "How convenient, you get to take the easy way out yet again."

She gives me a look that says 'it's uncalled for' and then just head to the bathroom.

I wait in the living room for her to finish. When she's ready I stand by the door, and watch her silently. She come to me with a soft expression on her face.

"I have to go but we'll talk later."

I snort. She always says that and we never talk, we play 'cat and mouse'. She spends hours to avoid the issues while I waste my time trying to make her facing it. "Yeah right." I answer defectively. I can't help it, the pill won't pass this time.

She looks hurt and sad but I refuse to give in. She bends toward me to kiss me but I just turn my head and avoid her lips. She freezes on her motion. When I look at her I know she's about to cry but I stand my ground.

There's this unspoken rule between us, when work interrupt our argument we don't leave each other without a kiss. It's our way to say that in spite of everything we love each other and that we'll find a way to sort things out. But mostly it's because we don't have a safe line of work and if something was to happen then at least the last memory of her I would have is that she loves me.

Today I broke that rule. I'm way too mad at her and honestly I'm tired to entertain the illusion that everything is all right. Now I'm at the point where even I doubt that we'll sort things out later.

Hell, she doesn't do fair play so why should I? I won't sugarcoat the pill today. She won't get the easy way, period.

"Ok…Well I'll see you later." She mumbles before rushing to get outside.

"Be careful." I whisper before she crosses the door.

"Yeah." She says with a strangled voice before leaving the house.


	47. Chapter 47

**You might hate me by the end of this chapter...so just keep that in mine: I am a good person. Remember the moto: Have faith ine me...

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Chapter 47: Sara

What am I doing?

What the hell am I doing?

Screwing things up like I'm used to, that's what I'm doing.

No it's wrong, I'm not screwing things up… Well, yeah, maybe I am from a certain point of view. But for me I'm preserving our relationship. Or at least that's what I'm trying to convince myself of.

One thing. One single and simple thing.

I can still hear Cath's voice echoing in my head. One _simple_ thing. That's where she's wrong. It's not simple. Some things are better left unsaid. It's true. And the things going on my head are to classified among those things.

Lately I've been thinking about Joan and Connie. They are like a reflection of myself. We have lot in common and unfortunately it makes me think about all those things I desperately try to forget. Sexual abuses, heavy drugs using, suicidal tendencies, self-destructive behavior, self-mutilation habits… among other things.

The thing is that I will tell Cath those things, I will someday. But right now I can't because it's still affecting me. I'm not at peace with those things yet, I haven't dealt with them yet. Because those cases are making the memories of those things too fresh, too hard to bear, too much.

But she had a point. I didn't try to talk to her. I should have at least told her that those cases were getting to me. Ok so lately I've been an ass, better a stupid selfish ass. Well nobody's perfect!

I mean you can't reach the top of a mountain if you don't start to climb it. Ok, so I suck at metaphors too, just give me a break ok! Anyway I'd rather start to climb because I'm about to lose the best thing in my life. I still feel the sting of Cath's rejection traveling under my skin.

xxxxx

I arrive at the lab where a moody Grissom sends Greg and I to a scene of an apparent robbery. Just great.

The drive is to the scene is silent. My mind is still home with Cath. I should have open my mouth instead of watching her getting angry because of my silence. I'm getting paranoid and I start to think that maybe she'll want to break up with me, if she doesn't want to already.

I need to talk to her. I need to hear her voice, and tell her that I love her and mostly I need to hear her tell me that this love is returned.

I try to call her two times but she doesn't answer. My guess is that she doesn't want to talk to me. I can't really blame her for ignoring me. What you saw is what you rip after all.

We arrive at the scene, and before getting out of the car I ask Greg for some privacy so I can let a message to Cath. I have to do this because otherwise I won't be able to focus on the job. Right now I think I have reach my daily quota of messed up things without adding the job to the list.

Brass greets us to the scene. "Hey guys. So we have a B&E, the neighbor Mr. Jeffries called and actually neutralized the perp before we arrived. I'm taking them to the station. The house has been cleared. I have to leave you guys because there's a multiple homicide at the other end of town. I'm taking the boys with me but Kramer and Johnson will watch your backs. See you later kids. Guys let's go." With that he leaves with four officers on his taw.

Greg and I go greet the officers watching us. "Sidle, Sanders, long time no see!" Donald Kramer says with a beam. He and David Johnson shakes Greg's hand while I get a kiss on the cheek from both of them.

Don, Dave, Greg and I go out sometimes, most of the time we play pool together. We've become close friends and we even do barbecues sometime or have dinner and poker at each other's place. Who said I hadn't any friends?

"You said it." I answer. "So Don, word's around that your a father now?" He smiles brightly at this.

"I am, two baby twin boys, want to see them?" He says excited

"Sure."

He takes a picture from his wallet showing two smiling baby boys. "Meet Jordan and Jason." He says happily.

"They're beautiful… they just can't be yours." I tease him.

"Screw you Sidle!" He chuckles.

"Seriously you did a good job there. Congratulations."

"Thanks, though I think all the praise goes to Sandra. I'm so happy you can't imagine how much."

I ruffle his hair. "I'm glad for you." I sigh. "Ok time to work now."

We head toward the one story house. "Hey by the way, we want a revenge to pool." Dave announces lightly.

"Why, the last kicking ass session wasn't enough?" Greg replies.

"Just because you geeks cheat doesn't mean we can't beat you." Dave comes back.

"Ok, first of all using physic laws isn't cheating and then I'm sorry to tell you this Dave but you suck at pool." I say seriously.

"Well we practiced since last time and I can already taste victory on my tongue." Don says.

"Fine you're on. Pick a day and we'll be here." I say winking at them.

We enter the house carefully. We all take our position and get ready to proceed.

"Ok it's my turn to take the floor." Greg says, I just nod in response. We have established our dynamic of work a wile ago. We take turns to proceed floors and when there's no floor then we take turns for the inside and the perimeter. When we're done we double check everything together.

After an hour of processing I found blood stains on the floor. I follow them and they lead me to a bookcase. Something is weird and I feel that there's something behind the furniture. I try to move it but it's too heavy for me alone.

"Don? Can you come here and help me please?"

Don comes immediately and I hand him gloves. Once he is ready we try to move the bookcase once more but after five tries we conclude that we're going to need one more person.

"Dave we need some help down here." Don says to his radio.

Dave comes down after a moment, he puts gloves on and we try again to move the bookcase. This time we succeed, we actually move it two inches away from the wall. We take our breath and reiterate the operation. Once again the bookcase only moves from inches. But the positive point of all this is that my hunch was right there's an entrance behind the bookcase.

We're about to try once more to move it when we hear loud noises coming from above. We let go of the bookcase and the three of us draw our weapons out of our holsters.

"Greg? Are you ok up there?" I ask cautiously moving toward the stairs. As no answers come we all glance at one another.

"I checked around before coming down." Dave answers my question before I get the chance to ask him.

"Greg?" I call him again. I can feel my heartbeat getting faster sending the first rush of adrenaline to my body. Still no answer. This is not good.

We're about to get upstairs when we hear a cry of pain and more movement from above followed by an aggressive 'shut up'. Ok now we know we're not alone. Suddenly we can see Greg coming out of a room but he has his hands in front of him and someone is holding him from behind. I can see blood dropping from Greg's nose and mouth and an already purple bruise on his cheekbone. A sharp blade is pressed onto his throat and a gun is pressed against his temple. When his attacker makes him turn toward us. Greg looks at me with an apologetic look. He is relatively calm seeing the position he's in right now.

"I want all of you to do what I say. If you don't, I'll use his blood to do some painting work." An angry voice says from behind Greg.

The man is a bit taller than Greg. He has dark hair and dark brown eyes that let us know that he's not kidding.

Dave, Don and I start to walk backward looking at Greg and his attacker. We take a position, forming a line into the living room. Our weapons are all aimed at Greg's attacker. I can feel my back dripping with cold sweat. Adrenaline makes my hand shake lightly, my mind is on overdrive. How come this is happening? Where was he hiding? Wasn't the perp supposed to be in custody already? Is Greg ok? Are we going to control the situation? Wasn't the house supposed to be clear? How did we miss him?

This is all my fault. I shouldn't have tried to move that stupid bookcase. I should have wait a while. Now because of me Greg didn't have anyone watching his back, and we're all in danger.

Nice job Sara.

"Move!" The voice orders to Greg.

They get downstairs slowly. And then face us. The man aim his weapon in our direction but presses the blade harder onto Greg's throat.

"Drop your weapons." He orders. Aiming his gun… No wait aiming Greg's gun at each one of us.

None of us move. We're still aiming at him. There's no way we're going to give him the upper hand.

He punches Greg hard with the butt of the gun. "I think you need to focus on what I'm saying." The voice warns us.

"You're surrounded, you won't get out of here and back up is on its way, so drop your weapon and don't make anything worse." Don says. It's a blatant lie, back up hasn't been called yet. Let just hope the perp won't catch the bluff.

"Drop your weapons." The assailant repeats as if he hadn't heard Don. "One."

We still don't comply. I keep my eyes on Greg who's holding my gaze. I think that I'm the most scared of the both of us.

"Drop your weapon." The voice repeats between clenched teeth. This time the blade is pressed enough to get through the skin. Greg wince a bit but holds still. A fine trace of blood starts to from itself on his neck. "Two."

I'm having doubts. On one hand I know that if we comply we'll lose the control of an already out of hand situation. On the other hand I want Greg to be safe. My forehead is wet with cold sweat, my hold on my gun is so tight that my knuckles are white. I try to think of a plan but nothing comes into my mind.

Before we know it, the man aims his gun at Dave and shoots. Dave flies backward and lands with a loud thump on the floor.

Holy shit.

My heart is beating really fast with the intensity of a jackhammer.

"I. Said. Drop. Your. Weapons." The man repeats slowly with an even voice. This time he aims at Don.

I glance at Don and we're both torn. We have to call for back up and EMT's fast but we can't let him go, not now that one of us is officially down. I glance at Don once more and this time the message is clear we have to give up for now.

We start to put our weapons down slowly still looking at the man. I feel rage burning me. It was supposed to be a simple B&E for goodness' sake! I can hear Dave moaning on my back he's alive, but that could only be temporary.

"Good, now get on the floor." The man says. This time we don't give him a chance to repeat himself before we comply.

I'm still looking at the man when I'm lying face on the floor. He starts to walk backward with Greg and get out by the glass door. Once outside he hits Greg harder with the butt of the gun, Greg falls unconscious on the concrete while the man starts to run away by the backyard. Within the second Don and I are on our feet.

"Dave!" Don calls

"Get this bastard I'll be fine!" Dave shouts.

Don starts to run after the perp. I hear Dave calling for back up and EMT while I go check on Greg's pulse. He's alive and that's all I need to know before running after Don.

I'm split in two, a part of myself wants to stay with Greg and Dave and make sure they are going to be ok. But Don needs someone to cover his six. That's the priority. For the rest I can only hope they'll be fine on their own.

I'm running faster than I ever did and at this very moment I'm glad that I run on regular bases. I can see Don in front of me and the perp not so far ahead of Don. We're crossing backyards of the neighborhood. The perps stops and start to shoot at us again. Don and I don't stop running, trying to gain back the steps he has on us.

My blood slowly turns to acid traveling to my muscles making them sting, oxygen starts to burn my lungs and my throat, my breath is erratic.

"Don't you dare giving up Sidle!" I order to myself. "Get a fucking grip!!"

Don and I have to zig zag in order to avoid the bullets. I hear myself counting in my mind while I keep on running. Two… three… four… five six… seven…

We keep on running for another good five minutes before I start to hear a symphony of sirens coming near. We're running on the street now we're lucky there's no cars in view. Don and I are shooting back when we get the chance but the guy won't stop running.

Eight… nine…

At this point I don't stop running toward the perp he tries to start running again but a patrol car is coming in our way. He turns around and tries to get inside of one house but it's locked I take this opportunity to aim at him. Don is at my side and doing the same.

"Drop your weapon and put your hands up!" Don shouts.

The perp turns around aiming us, he has a smile on his face. "You won't get me!" He says chuckling.

"Nine. What about you Don?" I ask, not tearing my eyes from the perp.

"Same." He answers. "Drop your weapon and put your hands up!" He repeats.

"Go to hell." The perp says before turning the gun towards his head and pulling the trigger.

We hear a click but nothing happens. The perp open his eyes again but this time we can see distress on his features. He aims at me and pull the trigger again. Still nothing .

"It's empty you jerk." Don says before punching him in his jaw and the perp goes down. I don't stop aiming at him while Don cuffs him roughly.

"You're under arrest jackass, you have the right to remain silent…" While Don is Mirandazing him, the back up arrives. Four officers get out of two patrol cars. The chivalry got a lousy timing.

They take the perp and some orders from Don like securing the perimeter. Don looks at me.

"You're alright?" He asks.

"I am but you got shot." I state as I see blood pouring from his left arm.

"Just scratches don't worry."

"Greg! Oh my god Dave!" I state. And with that we start running back to the house we left a little more than ten minutes ago.

When we arrive there's EMTs taking care of Greg. Don check on him before calling his superior and Dave's wife.

"Greg. Are you ok?" I ask him. I'm relieved now that I see him standing and alert. He has big bruises on his face, his temple is bleeding, he has the lips split in two and there's a thin blood line on his throat.

It surely was a close call.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, I messed up."

"What? No, there's nothing you could have done."

"He came from out of nowhere and he hit me then next thing I know, I have a knife against my throat and my gun against my head."

"Greg you did nothing wrong ok. If nothing I did, I let you up there alone because I needed Dave." I tell him. He nods. "We got him." I say with a weak smile.

"Great." He says without great enthusiasm. He's shaken for good, so am I. "They've taken Dave to the hospital already." He informs me.

"Alright. I'm going to call Grissom to let him know what happened and after if you're better we'll start processing this scene all over again."I'm stil panting form all my running and I can feel all the tension slowly go. I take my cell and dial Grissom. While it's ringing I take a look at Greg again. "Are you sure you're ok?"

"I am… You look a little pale though."

Before I can answer him Grissom picks up. "Griss, Sara, listen we had a pro…"

Suddenly my legs give up on me and I feel a burning pain on my left side. What the…

"Sara? Sara!" Greg calls me panicked. He catches me as I fall onto the floor. It's like my legs had turned into jelly and I just can't support myself any longer.

I feel dizzy and nauseous. I drop my hand at my side and it feels hot and wet.

"Fuck, you got shot. OFFICER DOWN!!" Greg screams to the EMTs who were examining Don. He presses his hand tight on my side. "Sara hold on! SOMEBODY HELP!!"

And here I thought I had a cramp from all my running. Adrenaline can make you move a mountain, but when it crashes down it reminds you that you're only human. Bitch.

It was a close call.

"Sara!… Sara… Stay with me! You hear? Sara! Sara!!… Sara!"

Or maybe not.


	48. Chapter 48

**Chapter 48: Catherine**

Sara has tried to call me three times after she left and now she's doing it again. As far as I am concerned I still don't want to talk to her. There's too many things spinning in my head and frankly I'm not up for another argument or for lame excuses. Ok at least I should listen to her message but I don't want to. Not now.

So I just keep on working.

Ok I want to hear what she has to say then maybe I'll return one of her call.

"_**Hi, you have one new message**."_ The mechanic voice starts. _"**Received today at 7h40**: 'Cath it's me… Sara…I uh… I really needed to hear your voice… Guess your voicemail will have to do… Listen… You were right this morning, I've been selfish and stupid… I want to fix things and we'll talk for real later I promise… I just wanted you to know that you're really important in my life and without you it doesn't make any sense. And in spite of my stupidity I love you more than you'll ever know and more than I'll ever be able to expressed… I love you Cath… I love you… See you later home.' **End of the message**"_

I can feel my heart contracted itself in my chest. Trust Sara to get under my skin with simple words.

Somewhere I'm glad to have this message and to know that I've been heard. But there a tiny part of me that is a bit mad. I hate the fact that I have to get to extremes in order to make Sara react.

She's calling me again. I don't answer though. I'm not ready to hear her yet. Besides shift is almost over and I want to take the hours we have to spend apart until the end of her shift to collect myself and prepare my arguments for our next conversation.

xxxxx

I walking down the corridors of our headquarters with Warrick, ready to go home while Ecklie comes to us, he looks pissed.

"Willows! I want you and your team on that scene." He barks at me handing me a new assignment. "Be thorough…"

"Ecklie my team and I are in the middle of an important investigation. Hand this to the graveyard shift." I cut him, not in the mood to do somebody else's work. The lab isn't overloaded so I don't see why my shift has to take this case while we're already on something else.

"If I wanted Grissom and his team on this I would have given it to Grissom, now don't question me and do as your told, got it?!" He says almost shouting and with that he turns.

Just at this moment Grissom appears in the corridor. "Grissom, get in my office now!!"

I watch the two of them heading to Ecklie's office, still dumbstruck from Ecklie's outburst. "Jerk!" I snort before calling Nick back in while Warrick and I are going to take new kits before heading out.

xxxxx

We arrive at the scene less than twenty minutes later. There's a lot of activity around. I look around and the yellow tape is covering at least five houses.

You got to be kidding me.

I get out of the car and take my kit. I go to the first officer I see and ask him about details.

"Apparently the perp was on the scene. There's been a shooting, two officers got down in the house. The two others ran after him on five blocks. They've been shot too during the chase. The perp is in custody though."

"Wow." Warrick says.

"How are the officers?" I enquires.

"Two are in a critical state and the two others should be ok though in bad shape." The young officer answers me.

"Alright. Who secured the scene first?" I ask.

"I don't know ma'am. I just got here."

"Who were the officers shot then?"

"I know that there was Donald Kramer but that's it. I'm sorry ma'am but it's my first week on the job and I haven't memorized all the names yet." The rookie says.

That's just great now I also have to do baby sitting.

"It's ok. Where is he now?"

"I've been told to tell you that he's waiting for you at the hospital."

I nod in response and start to enter the house but the rookie calls me back. "By the way the weapons have been sent to your lab ten minutes ago."

"Ok thanks."

Warrick and I get our first glance at the scene. My breath is stolen from my lung by the sight in front of me.

"Holy mother of Moses." Warrick whispers.

"Yep." I reply in awe.

There's at least two large pools of blood, in fact there are bits of blood everywhere. It's going to take hours.

"I'm going to call a dozen of cadets to look for the rounds around the blocks. Start processing." I tell Warrick before going out to make a call.

I get back in two minutes later. Nick has just arrived and is helping Warrick. "What do you have boys?"

"I got a bloody knife and at least a dozen of blood swabs to make." Warrick says flatly.

"Guys… Did you touch the bookcase?" Nick asks.

We shake our heads and then head toward the bookcase, it's pulled away from the wall. There's an entrance behind it leading god knows where. There's blood stains on the floor next to the entrance.

"Officer?" I call.

The rookie and his partner come in. "Yes ma'am?"

"Did anybody touched the bookcase?"

"No ma'am, nothing's been touched."

I look at Nick and Warrick. "Wait a minute, I go get my flashlight." Nick says.

My phone rings once more. It's Sara's melody so I don't even bother to check the ID.

"You're not going to answer?" Warrick asks me.

"Sara… I'll talk to her later."

Nick comes back and we enter the room we just found. Once in the room behind the bookcase we fall face to face with the body of a young man.

"The blood may comes from the dead because I don't have any trace on my side." Nick says.

"Yeah and I have footprints in the dust. Leading upstairs, there's another exit." Warrick states.

"Officers said that the perp came from upstairs." I add. "Ok hypothesis number one?"

"The perp comes here to hide a body. Question: why doesn't he stays here waiting patiently until the cops are gone?" Nick thinks aloud.

"Because someone found out about this room and is trying to get in?" Warrick ventures.

"He doesn't have much choice and time." I state.

"Yeah but how come one of the officers was alone upstairs?" Nick says.

"The bookcase is heavy, maybe the three others were trying to remove it from downstairs." I state logically. "That's a pretty good theory. Now we have to see if evidences tell us the same." I add. "Let's process. And then we'll go to the hospital ask the officers what happened."

xxxxx

Six hours later we have found all the rounds – nineteen in all – and all the evidences that were to be found. Nick goes back to the lab with our handiwork while Warrick and I go to the hospital.

Sara's been trying to call me a dozen of times, and ignored her as much. I had a lot of work anyway.

Once in the hospital we ask for Donald Kramer. A figure catch my eyes I don't know why. It's a man talking about some ring. I don't have a chance to have a look at his face before we find the officer Kramer.

"Donald Kramer?" I ask.

"Yes." The tall man answers me flatly.

"Catherine Willows Crime lab and this is Warrick Brown. We're investigating your case."

"Ok."

"What happened?"

"We were trying to move the bookcase away from the wall when we heard noises coming from above. We were about to go and check out when the perp came down with Sanders. He had a knife on Sanders' throat and a gun against his temple. Then he asks us to put our guns down when we didn't comply he shot Johnson. Then he knocked Sanders down and we chased him on five blocks." He tells me emotionlessly.

"You haven't clear the house first? Why?" I ask surprised.

"The house had been cleared when we arrived."

"How so?"

"There was four officers who had cleared it, they were supposed to already have the perp in custody. Then they had to go to a multiple homicide downtown."

"Why was officer Sanders left alone?" My voice is sharp and I think that even he can feel that I think he's partly responsible for what happened.

"Because we needed Dave's help for removing the bookcase."

"This is against the protocol, you have to assured yourself that a room is cleared before leaving someone alone." I state angrily.

Gee, how many officers have to go down before they start to follow the procedure?

"The house had been cleared! And Dave had checked again anyway!" Kramer repeats angrily.

"Well that was obviously a sloppy job!" I reply.

"Go fuck yourself! My partners have been shot and I don't have to put up with some all righteous know-it-all bitch who think she has the right to tell me how to do my job! So fuck you ok!" He shouts at me using his height to intimidate me. But I keep my ground sending him a death glare.

Warrick steps between us. "Hey back off." Kramer doesn't move an inch. "I said, back off."

Kramer keeps on looking at me and takes a step back. "Don't insult me. We did our job and we did it well."

"Sure and now three officers are down!! When will you understand that the protocol is there for something?!" I reply angrily. Ok I'm having a rough day, I'm on the edge already and this Kramer is getting to me. Maybe I'm letting my frustration speak. "You shouldn't have left one of yours alone!"

"Brass said the house had been cleared and that they had the perp. They shadow us like they were supposed to and Dave checked around before leaving me alone." I hear a familiar voice say.

"Sanders, you're ok dude?" Kramer asks with a concerned voice.

I turn around and my mind starts to spin. "Sanders as in Greg Sanders." I mutter. They said four officers down it didn't occur to me that it could be CSI.

It's like I've just discovered that two and two made four. My brain starts making connections, four officers – two CSIs and two cops, why it didn't occur to me sooner I don't know. Wrong I know why, it's because I thought that we were the first CSI team on the that scene. Wait, if Greg is here then…

"Greg what happened?" I ask him frantically.

"I've been calling you for hours now, why didn't you answer the phone?" He asks with a soft voice. He looks unfocused. His clothes are stained with blood and his hands are covered with dry blood. His face is bruised and there's blood on his throat, temple and nose.

"There was a hidden room. The bookcase was hiding the entrance. I stand in front of it for an hour without seeing anything." He says absently.

"Greg you're covered with blood." I state the obvious.

"It isn't mine." He whispers. He fixes his hands and gets lost in his thoughts. "She was fine and then she just… fell…I've been calling you for hours." He looks at me and then looks back to his hands. "I should wash my hands." He turns to Kramer. "Don, what about Dave?"

"He's still in surgery. How's your head?"

"Fine."

My mind is still stuck a few steps behind '_she was fine and then she just… fell…_'. I feel a big lump in my throat, I start to have trouble to breathe. No Sara is fine, she has to be. Sara is fine because she's been trying to call me for the last hours…

"Greg, where's Sara?"

"I've been calling you for hours…" He repeats again.

"No, the only person who called me was Sara." I tell him. I think he's so much in shock that he doesn't realize what he's saying.

"I called you from her cell."

NO! Why did he do that? Why didn't I answer?

"Why did you do that for? Why did you call me from her cell?!" I shout irrationally.

My heart start to race and at the same time I feel like it was smashed into my chest.

"It isn't my blood… it's hers."

_Two are in critical state_. The rookie's voice resounds in my head.

"Where is she?" Greg doesn't seem focused. I shake him. "Where is she Greg?!!"

Please tell me she's alive…

"Answer me! WHERE IS SHE GREG?!!" I shout shaking him harder to get him out of his daze. Someone grabs me from behind and holds me back firmly but gently.

"The doctor haven't come back yet." Kramer answers. "Now let him go."

"She's been shot…" Greg whispers.

Suddenly I feel nauseous. I run as fast as I can to the toilet. Once inside I puke my guts out.

I should have kissed her this morning. I should have answered my fucking phone.

"Cath?" Warrick calls me. When he sees me he rushes to my side. "Come here." He takes me in his arms.

"I can't lose her Rick, I can't…" My voice falters and I start to cry holding tight onto Warrick's arms.

I should have kissed her.

* * *

**And that's all for now...yeah regrets do have a bitter taste...**

**Thanks for reading ;)**

**Before you start ploting some way to torture me just know that I'm already working on what's coming next so please... be nice... Remember: have faith in me...**


	49. Chapter 49

**Thank for your reviews you're awesome as always... Well, well like I've always told you I'm not a bad person so here's the answer you've been waiting for...**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**

* * *

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**Chapter 49: Sara**

I open my eyes to find myself in an unknown room. It takes me some minutes to focus and remember what happened. Hospital. I must be in a hospital.

As soon as this realization hits me I start to panic. The sweet smell of the sterilized room invades my nose and makes me nauseous. I need to get out of here.

"Hey. Calm down. Sunshine… Sunshine clam down… Breathe deep…. Just breathe." Travis says caressing my forehead. But I don't stop fidgeting. "Calm down. I'm here, you're not alone."

I reach around my neck but don't find what I'm looking for. I'm on verge of tears. I stop fidgeting but I feel my body shaking.

"They took my ring." I tell him with a desperate tone.

"Here. I got it back for you." He says putting my necklace with my ring back in its place. As soon as it's on I clench my hand around it firmly.

I take a few more breaths and try not to feel claustrophobic. Travis takes my hand and lean against my head. He sings a song just for my ears and I feel better on the instant.

I hate hospitals with passion. I hate having to spend time in them but I manage to do it for my job. But I can't stand being a patient. Too many memories and too many fears. It's a visceral fear.

"Since when am I here?" I ask Travis.

"In the hospital that should be eight hours, in the room I'd say four."

I feel tired and so I close my eyes for a while.

Some undetermined time later a doctor comes into the room. I wake up and I'm greeted with a familiar face.

"Miss Sidle, I'm…"

"Cameron Donovan, we met." I say with a raspy voice. Travis hands me a glass of water. I ask him to straighten the back of my bed so I can sit.

"Yes that's right. Do you remember what happened?" He asks me.

"I've been shot."

"Yes. You've been extremely lucky too. The bullet only damaged flesh, no organs. You suffered from an important blood loss, and apart from the hole the bullet made on your side you're fine." He tells me with a soft voice.

I take time to swallow the new information. "What about my partners?"

"Mr. Sanders is slightly shocked and bruised. He might have a minor concussion, but he's fine. Mr. Kramer has been touched by two bullets but they just scratched the flesh. As for Mr. Johnson he's still in surgery." He says before checking my vitals. "Are you in pain?"

"It's ok."

"I'm going to prescribe you some pain killers, just in case."

"Doc I need to talk to you." I answer immediately.

"Sure." He turns to Travis "Could you give us some privacy."

"No I need him to stay." I reply holding Travis' hand prisoner of mine.

"Ok, fine. What is it?"

I take a deep breath. "I used to be addicted to different drugs and medications: morphine, vicodin, codeine, xylocaine and such. I've been clean for about twenty years now but I'd rather not taking any chance, I don't want to fall back into this."

"Ok. Well your body has to repair the tissues and it's not a painless procedure; I'm going to prescribe you the doses we generally give to the kids. It will reduce the risk of addiction but it will make the pain just bearable so to speak."

"I don't care." I say flatly.

"That's settled then. Anything else?"

"No thanks."

I wait until he gets out of the room before talking to Travis again. "You'll keep them with you." Travis just squeezes my hand in response.

I turn to him. He's pale and more preoccupied than usual. My eyes fall onto his hand and I see that he's wearing his ring. He follow my gaze and fiddle with the ring.

"Some Grissom called and told me you had been shot. I needed to hold onto something." He just states.

"T, I'm fine. You heard the Doc."

"You know, I never thought I'd ever be called." He says pensively. He kisses my hand and gets lost in his thoughts.

"T, believe me I didn't put myself willingly in danger." I answer automatically.

"I'm glad to hear it."

"T?"

I have the sick sensation that he's holding something to me and it gets to my nerves.

"I'm bit shaken."

"That's not it." I say gently.

"Later, promise." He just says squeezing my hand.

"You want to hear something funny?" I say out of the blue.

"Please tell."

"I didn't notice I was shot."

"How could you not notice something like this?" He asks clearly puzzled.

"Adrenaline high."

"Somehow it doesn't surprise me. I mean it's typically you." He smirks.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" I tease him.

"Do you remember that day where we were climbing trees at my cousin's birthday?"

"Oh come on it was different." I start to defend myself.

"It took you over an hour to realize that you had a ten inches piece of wood stuck on your shoulder." I'm about to reply but he repeats "Ten inches Sunshine!" He snorts. "You are dense when it comes to pain."

We chuckle. His features darken suddenly. "I stopped breathing when I've been told you were shot." He looks at me and then averts his eyes.

"I'm fine." I tell him. He nods and kisses my hand.

"You know Cath and I had a fight this morning. We didn't kiss or said that we loved each other before we part. I didn't leave her with the best memory. It's killing me to think that she might still be mad at me right now. And if it had been worse the last thing in her mind would have been the two of us fighting." I chuckle weakly.

"You want me to go and see if she's there yet?"

"No! Don't leave me."

"It will take me less than five minutes." He tries to reassure me.

"Please." I beg. "Not now, please." I know that if I'm left alone in this room now I will have a panic attack.

"Ok."

"Tell me a memory." I ask him after a moment. When I'm angsty I like to hear stories.

Travis tells me about the day his brother and him try to fly away from the third story of their house with home-made wings. I've heard this story enough to be able to tell it myself but I can't get enough of this one.

Suddenly the door opens and an upset Catherine appears. She takes a long look at Travis and then looks at me again.

"I'm going to take a coffee." Travis says. He leans over me and kisses my forehead. "I love you." He whispers to my ear.

I lock my arms around his neck and tell him that I love him too then he goes. I focus on Cath again. She looks lost.

"Cath, I regret for this morning I should have…mfff."

I don't get the chance to finish my sentence before she kisses me desperately. Her tears are mingling with our kiss. She doesn't stop until my lungs burn.

"I should have kissed you." She whispers through her tears.

She breaks into my arms. I hold her while she cries. "It's alright I'm fine."

"I should have kissed you…. I should have kissed you…" She repeats over and over again.


	50. Chapter 50

**Chapter 50: Catherine**

I'm crying into Sara's arms. She's alive. I'm breathing again.

"Honey?" Sara calls me. "Baby you have to move you are pressing onto my wound."

I straighten up like I've be burnt. "Oh god, I'm sorry."

"It's ok don't worry." She says shifting her position but keeping her arms around me. "There, it's better."

She cups my face and looks at me intently. "I missed you today." She whispers before giving me a brief kiss. I start to cry again but I compose myself quickly.

"How do you feel?" I ask.

"Better now since you're here. How do you feel?"

"Better since I'm here." I echo her word and smirk. "Where did you…" I trail off. I'm still shaken about the fact that it could have been worse.

"On my side. I thought I had a cramp from running." She jokes. She sees my discomfort and get serious again. "It's nothing. I dodge the bullet so to speak, no organs have been touched and I only suffered from blood loss. I'm fine."

I nod in response. There's a knock on the door. We turn and Warrick pops his head inside. "Can I come in?"

"Sure Rick." Sara answers with a grin.

"Hey girl. You scared us." He says, I stand to give them room to hug each other then I sit down again, taking Sara's hand in mine again. "I won't be long, but we need to take your statement."

"My statement?"

"Ecklie sent us to the scene. We didn't find out Greg and you were involved before coming here to take Kramer statement." I explain.

Something hits me. If it wasn't for this assignment I wouldn't have known that Sara had been shot. Well I guess Grissom would have called me eventually. But there's been at least eight hours between Sara being hurt and me discovering it. Travis was there before me so he has been called, I haven't. What if it had been worse?

I push those thoughts in the back of my mind I'll sort this out with Sara later.

"Oh." She just says. "Ok. What do you want to know?"

"Everything since you arrived at the scene." Warrick says.

Sara tells us everything and at some words close it's the same thing that Kramer has told us before and Greg.

"Ok then, now that I have everything I'll leave you two alone for a while. I'll be waiting for you outside Cath." Warrick announces. He stands and kisses Sara's cheek. "Take care of yourself." And with that he leaves the room.

"Cath? What's wrong?" She asks me suddenly.

"I just realized that if it hadn't been for that scene no one would have called me to tell me that you've been hurt." I confess not looking at her. "Greg tried to call me from your cell but I thought it was you and since I didn't want to talk to you, I ignored the calls… You've been hurt more than eight hours ago and I can't help to think that if it would have been worse I wouldn't have known…"

"I haven't updated my list of next of kin yet. That's why Travis was called and you were not." She turns my face towards her so I'm looking at her. "As a general rule I try not to think of being hurt or killed on the field, I don't want to jinx my luck, that's why I didn't think about updating the list. But it's the first thing I'll take care of when I'll get back to work."

She kisses me deeply. "I love you." She says once she pulls back.

"I love you too."

I set in her arms in silence for a while.

"You should go, Lindsey might get worried if she doesn't see either of us soon." She tells me softly. "Plus I believe you promised her to bake some cookies with her." She reminds me. I nod against her shoulder. I don't really want to leave but I can't let Lindsey worrying either.

"When do you come back home?"

"Tomorrow evening if everything is fine."

"I'll come back tomorrow morning." I tell her.

Someone coughs at the door. I turn and see Travis. "I'm sorry to interrupt but, Sunshine the doctor said that you should try to rest because it's going to be a long night." He says. He and Sara exchange a knowing look before he leaves the room again.

"I'm going to let you rest." I announce disengaging my body from Sara's but still holding her hand.

"Ok, see you tomorrow?" Sara asks me.

"Count on it."

"Give and big kiss for me to Linds and tell her that I'm ok." She says softly. I nod trying not to cry again.

I kiss her deeply one more time and tell her that I love her before leaving. In the corridor there's Travis waiting in front of Sara's room. He looks really worried and a bit out of space.

"Do you need a ride home or anything?" He asks me gently.

"No, I'll be fine thanks. Warrick's waiting for me anyway."

"Alright." He nods. "I'm sorry I didn't call you. I didn't have your number and Sunshine's cell wasn't with her belongings."

"It's ok."

"Not really is it?" He snorts. "Anyway I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

For a moment there's nothing but silence between us. "You're going to stay here?" I ask.

"Yes, I think I'll stay until she falls asleep." He looks at me with a soft expression. "You're going to be ok?"

"I guess I will, I'm still…" I trail off not knowing how to express myself.

"Yeah I know." He answers chuckling. He thinks about something for a while and then looks at me again. "Listen, I know we don't really know each other well but… if you need to talk… just… call ok."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome." He answers with a reassuring smile.

I don't know what makes me do my next move but I hug him, granted it's awkward, but it's a hug. I think he's the most surprised of us, but he returns my touch after a second or two.

After that I join Warrick in the waiting room. We go back to the lab to clock out and then I go to Nancy's. Right now I need to be with my family.

xxxxx

"Cath, what happened? You were supposed to come back early enough to cook with Linds, now she's upset because…" Nancy stops her ranting after taking a look at me. "Cath what's wrong?"

"Is it ok if I sleep here tonight?" I ask with a weak voice.

"Sure, no problem. What's wrong?" She asks me again. But she answers before I do. "Oh my god did something happen to Sara?" She whispers. I just nod because I'm about to cry once again. "Is she alright?" She asks me with dread. I nod again and she breathe out. "Come on."

She takes care of me like I was some lost child. I cry again for a moment and when I feel a bit better I tell her what happened. Then I decide to go face Lindsey's wrath and break her the new.

I knock softly on her door. I come in knowing full well that I wouldn't have her invitation today. She turns to me then focus on her book again.

"I've nothing to say to you." She just state in an angry voice.

"Well I do." I counter.

She puts her book down, crosses her arms over her chest and looks at the wall next to me.

"I'm sorry for being late."

"You promised to be there, but just as always you didn't respect your word!" She spits.

"First I never break my promises and then I said I was sorry." I state calmly.

"Well I don't care! You can leave now!" She says.

I feel like going back into our old relationship.

"Linds I'm really sorry but something happened at work and…"

"Yeah you couldn't do anything else. Work, always work… whatever. I thought that it had changed… guess I was wrong."

I know she's hurt because I failed my promise, and when she's like that she isn't open for any kind of conversation. I'm too tired to put up a fight with her so I drop the bomb without trying to smoother the deflagration.

"Sara's been hurt."

I've decided not to argue and tell her about Sara so she will understand that sometime there are more important things than a broken promise. I'm too drained right now to have to deal with her angst.

She looks at me with a worry look and all her rage fades away in the instant. Her eyes water and her lips start to quiver.

"Is she ok?"

"Yes she'll be fine. There was more fear than harm."

"What happened?"

"There was a bad guy at her scene and he hurt her while she was arresting him." I summarize. I take her in my arms and comfort her. "She's fine, in fact she's sending you a big kiss." I kiss her head to emphasis my point.

"Can I call her?"

"She needs to rest right now but if you want we can go see her before you go to school tomorrow morning."

"Ok."

"Good."

"Would you let me sleep with you tonight?" I ask her.

She nods against my chest in response.

xxxxx

I'm in front of Sara's door. Through the door I can see her and Travis talking to a doctor. I never felt more out of her world than right now. I'm sure they don't realize the image they are sending back. They look like a married couple holding each other's hand in comfort. It's like I was seeing a picture where I don't fit, where I don't belong.

This morning I was in that picture with Lindsey and Sara but now even if I add myself in it, somehow it would be wrong.

There's this nagging feeling again, the one telling me that Sara is having an affair with Travis. I know he hasn't left her side last night and that he hasn't even left the hospital since last night. I bet he has waited with her while she was sleeping, or that he has slept next to her. It makes me angry when I think about the place he has in Sara's life.

I set my scared thoughts aside and knock on the door before entering. "Am I interrupting?" I ask.

"Never." Sara answers me with a warm smile. "Doctor Donovan was leaving anyway."

"Yes indeed. So remember what I said, keep yourself hydrated and if anything's wrong call me at anytime."

"Thanks Doc." Sara tells him and then the young doctor leaves.

Travis and Sara exchange silent looks then they turn to me. Travis lets go of Sara's hand. "I'll leave you two then." He stands and grabs his coat from a chair. He gazes at Sara one more time, then he smiles at me before telling me goodbye and leaving.

I hate the way they talk in silence. It's just another reminder of what I don't have with Sara.

I greet my teeth and bite back my jealousy and anger. Now is the time to take care of my lover.


	51. Chapter 51

**Hey looks like things are getting better... or maybe not... who knows? Anyway, on with the fallen angels case and a bit of hope between Sara and Cath...;

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Chapter 51: Sara

I'm staring at my shaking hands intently as if by doing so I could make it stop. I've been shot five days ago and since then I'm leaving the worst hours of my life. First I'm bored because I have to stay home and now there are these stupid hands. I've been a bad girl since I haven't taken my painkillers at all today and yesterday. But I know myself and I know this feeling too well. The feeling of oblivion. The problem with painkillers is that I generally always want more. First it kills the pain then it makes you high and you feel like swimming into bliss. But when the effect wear off it's worse because reality never offers you this feeling of pure oblivion.

I used to go by this feeling and honestly as good as it was it's a double-edged sword.

The problem was that I started to have shaky hands three days ago. As I couldn't tell if it was from the need for more drugs or just the pain, I decided to stop taking them altogether.

So now I have to clench my teeth every time I feel my wound hurting. The pain is playing with my mind, I have more nightmares, they are tenfold compare to what they usually are. I have mood swing and I'm unpredictable even for myself. I could make it stop, one little pill and it would all go away. But I refuse to give in. I don't trust myself on this one.

"I don't bite." I whispers.

I know Cath is behind me. I know she's been checking up on me everyday when I wasn't sleeping. But unlike before she would just watch before returning in our room where I know she would stay awake until I join her.

She comes next to me. "I just wanted to know if you were ok." She whispers.

"I'm…" I'm about to tell her that I'm fine but I decide against. I decide to take one step into the right direction for change and open myself a bit. "I had a bad dream." I state. She passes her hand through my hair and I lean against her stomach. "In my apartment, I would shut down all my thoughts by listening to my police scanner, but here… I don't mind, I like thinking here because I feel safe." I chuckle "I don't know if I make any sense."

She doesn't say anything, just listens to my rambling. She bends down and kisses my head. Ok so I haven't say much but hey it was my first step on the field of communication, granted it was a baby step, but a step is a step.

"Can you hold me so I can get back to sleep?" I ask her.

"Sure." She answers with a soft smile.

I get up from the ledge of the kitchen window, take her hand and start to walk to our bedroom. She doesn't moves, pulling me back with her arms.

"Cath?"

She gives me a soft kiss. "Thank you." She whispers against my lips.

"For what?"

"Letting me in."

I just kiss her back before leading her back to our bedroom.

xxxxx

"Damn it!"

That's all I can think to say when I arrive to my scene. Another 'fallen angel'. Jessie Williams, 20, Latino American , same MO than the others.

I bet I know what Doc will tell us about her. She's been sexually abused, she has three tattoos and she might have sign of prior mutilation. Then her family will tell us that she was solitary, that she was withdrawn and finally they might tell us about our mysterious Tawny.

Damn it!

xxxxx

And what do you know, I must have been a psychic in my previous life because everything I predicted was true. And just like the other times we don't have anything to move on. Well so far we know that Joan and Connie got tattooed at day of difference, which confirm our theory saying that they knew each other. My bet is that Jessie will fit into this pattern. We still have the same unknown information: Tawny.

We're not moving and it starts to seriously frustrating me.

I've been called to the reception, when I arrive a young blonde man is waiting looking a bit lost. I stop in front of him so he gets up.

"Hi, I'm Sara Sidle, you wanted to see me?"

"Hi, I'm Dan. Well actually you asked to see me." I just look at him confused. "Dan Haspel? Puck sends me here…"

"You've forgotten me already? I'm a bit hurt beautiful…" A voice says. As I see Robin appearing next to Dan and me I try to remind myself hard that hitting him wouldn't be a good thing. "I told you I would send Dan to you as soon as he got back from his vacations. I hold onto my word… Besides it was a good excuse to see you again beautiful Sara." He says winking at me.

"Mr. Goodfellow, you should have spare yourself a trip. And by the way it's still Ms. Sidle for you." I answer sharply.

"Ouch, beware the angry bites." Dan mutters with a chuckle.

"Come with me gentlemen."

We sit in an empty room. I wait for Greg to arrive, then I take the pictures of the tattoos and show them to Dan.

"Do you remember having made those?"

"I drew those over and over again for months so forgetting about it would be a difficult thing."

"What do you mean when you say over and over again?" I ask a bit worried suddenly the suggestion of Greg pops in my head, we could be facing a sect.

"Sorry if I made it sound like I tattooed an army. I did it only six times. But it's strange when you're asked to do exactly the same tattoo to six different persons. I mean generally speaking tattoos are made to be unique, people get tattooed so they can get out of the lot. But those kids got tattooed to belong to a lot. Like they wanted to create a clan or something. Am I making any sense to you?"

"Yes, don't worry." I tell him with a smirk. "What can you tell me about those people?"

"Well as I said they were six, five young women and a young man. I'd say they were all between 19 and 22 at best. They were all different from one another but they seemed pretty close from each other."

"What about that tattoo?" I ask showing him the 'f.u.n.' one.

"They told me that the letters stood for: For Us and No one else. Now if you want my opinion, to know the real meaning of it you'll have to ask them. Because I really doubt they wanted to shared the truth about that tattoo with the world. Like I say, sometimes explanations are unnecessary for those who know and useless for those who don't."

"Do you remember their names?"

"Well I don't have their last names but I think there were…" He closes his eyes to focus. "Joan, Connie… Jessie… Tawny… Rebecca and it think the guy's name was Adam."

I feel excitation rising into my chest, we have our first real lead.

"Your memory impresses me. Do you remember any distinctive signs or could you describe them?"

He thinks about it for a moment. "No signs… I would recognize them if I see them but I couldn't describe them to you… Sorry."

"It's alright you've been of a great help. Well that should be all. Thank you for coming in."

"You're welcome."

"If you remember anything, please call me."

"I will." He replies and with that he leaves the room to join Robin outside.

Well now we're going somewhere. Now that we have names we have a list of potential victims… and suspects.

xxxxx

I have to clock out because technically I'm still supposed to be on pay leave to recover from my gunshot wound. When I get out of the building Robin is outside. He comes to me with a smile.

"I was waiting for you." He announces.

"Really?" I asks intrigued.

"Yes." He chuckles.

"And what was so important for you to wait two hours for me?"

"Well I know that it wouldn't be appropriate to ask you out right now, but I like you very much and I'd like to know you better. So I was wondering if I could ask you out for a drink… no… for a date actually, some time later." He asks me nonchalantly.

"Well I'm flattered even if as far as I'm concerned you're hitting on my nerves, but I'd rather cut through the chase and don't give you false hopes. If you want to make yourself a new friend that would be a realistic situation that could be conceivable, now if you want to make yourself a girlfriend that's an utopia. I'm taken and I'm very happy."

"Gee you're not about sweetness, are you?" He laughs. "You'll never cease to bruise my ego, am I right?"

"I don't see why I should, I'm having fun at it." I come back. We both chuckle.

"So if I call you later to ask you out as a friend you will say yes?" He tries again.

"I don't know I'm not in situation so I can't predict what I'll say."

"I see. Well here's what I propose. If you ever want to go out to have a drink, talk a while or just have fun you call me, whether it's in three days or three months I don't care." He says smiling. He starts to turn around but stops. "By the way there's a free tattoo waiting for you at the shop if you ever feel like getting one."

"I might take you up on this."

"Please do. Well, see you around beautif… Ms Sidle." He corrects himself at the last second.

"Sara." I allow him.

"Sara. " He repeats then pauses as if to memorize the sound it makes past his lips. "Well see you around then Sara." He says grinning. He winks at me and then walks away.

Well, seems like I made myself a new friend. An irritating one, who could be describe as a mix between Greg and Travis.

I head home pondering whether or not I will ever call him back.

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**Ok that's it for today. ****I have to say that I've been writing like a mad last night and today. I will do that tonight and tomorrow as well because unfortunately Monday I have to go back in University which mean I'll have less time to write and to update... but mark my words I'll do my best not to make you wait too long in between the updates. **

**Thanks for reading k ;)**


	52. Chapter 52

**Thanks for your reviews ;). Ok, you definetly won't like me after this update but...anyway as I warned you it's the last update before a little while. **

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: Gryffindor620 **to answer your question no I didn't see the new episode, and I have to say it's a shame, but when you're french because not only you have to wait ages to have new episodes (we're just about to begin the season 6 believe it or not) but unfortunately they nerver program them in order so you can watch episode 3 and 7 one week and you'll get the 6 and 4 the next, isn't that beautiful? Yeah that sucks I know, but I get the episodes on the net and I'm trying to catch up with everything but it takes time so...but I'm sure that by the time I'll finish my exam I'll be on season 7 (although I couldn't wait so I watched the 1srt part of built to kill...naughty me...lol) Anyway I'll stop rambling...

**Sara Lya** 'that's better' uh?...I'd hold on that thought if I were you...you might change your mind after those...thanks for the College good luck for your exams as well ;)

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**Chapter 52: Catherine**

Sara's lying on our bed. She's staring at the ceiling as if it held the answers she's looking for.

"What are you thinking?" I ask gently.

"Lindsey's birthday is next month."

"Yeah, she's going to be 13." I grin and sigh. "You know I still see her the way she looked like when she was born. She has grown up so much since." I snort. "It doesn't make me any younger."

I snuggle deeper in Sara's arms. Time is running so fast. I didn't see those thirteen years passed. Thinking about it, those years have been a real roller coaster. My biggest regret being that Eddie is no longer there for Lindsey, apart from that I don't think I would change anything given the chance.

I look where I am now though and I don't want to trade that for anything.

Time is running fast. I'm getting older fast.

"Sometimes I wonder why you're with me." My insecurities pass the barrier of my lips before I can think about it. Damn it!

"Why?"

"Never mind." I try to backpedal but I know it won't be useful.

"Cath, why do you ask yourself that question?" Sara asks me softly, caressing my face.

I take a deep breath. "Because…" I sigh. "You're young and I'm not. I cherish what we have now and I know that forever is for fairy tales. But I know that I want to wake up in ten years and still be here with you at my side. I want to make it last forever and more. This is what I want, what I've always been looking for. I mean, I always wanted to make a family, a real one. And before you I didn't have that."

I chance a look at Sara who's still silently listening to me.

"I love you and I know you love me too – I don't question your feeling at all – but that's just what I want. Like I said I'm old and you're not. I know what I want but I'm afraid that one day you'll wake up and realize that you're not ready for this, that this isn't what you want, that you want to have fun." I take a deep breath.

"You know I saw that young man flirting with you today. And I wondered why you were with me. Because there's not much I can offer you when you think about it. And then I thought 'what the hell does she see in me?' and…" I snort "Nevermind, I told you I was being silly." I stop my rambling. I've said way too much. That's my problem as soon as you get me to start talking I don't stop until I realize that I should have kept some things to myself.

Sara lifts herself on her elbow and looks down at me. She stares at me intently and then she laughs a little.

"I don't think it's silly, I think it's funny." She states. Certainly not what I needed to hear.

"Well either I missed the joke or either we don't have the same notion of funny." I snap harshly.

"I think it's 'funny'." She repeats calmly as if I haven't said anything. "Because there's not a day without me marveling at the fact that you love me. I mean, I'm no catch and except a heavy baggage and my feelings I have nothing to give you. And I look at you, you're beautiful and you could have almost anyone you want yet you're willing to be with me. I'm complicated and really dense when it comes to relationships. Yet you put up with me even if sometimes I don't deserve it." She sighs.

"And you're wrong you know, when you say you don't have anything to offer me. This is what I want Cath. You gave me the feeling of safety and love. You gave me a place into your family. Now I feel like I belong somewhere and for me it's precious because I've never had that feeling completely until I was with you. I've never had a real family until now. And I know that if this, if what I have now with you was taken away from me now then my life would become pointless. I've had fun before but I'm still having fun with you so I won't go." She smirks. "So yes I think it's funny. Because we both have the same doubts when in the end we want the same thing."

"We're quite a pair aren't we?" I joke. I don't know if she realizes that she has talked to me. I don't think she realizes how much that means to me.

"What I see in you is a beautiful person on the outside as well as on the inside. You're a wonderful mother, an exceptional lover, a precious friend, a terrible singer…" I hit her at this. I don't know how to sing but that's my little secret.

"But you are an understanding and compassionate person, you are full of defaults, but you also have qualities, you're far away from being perfect and that's why I love you." She says.

She kisses me deeply. Then she pulls back, caresses my face and then adds "I see a million of different things, but the one I prefer among the others is your passion. The one you put on our job, the one you put on your mother role, the one you use to have strength and always moving on no matter what life throws your way, the one that fuel our embraces…"

This time I don't let her finish before kissing her senseless. We start to do one of the best thing we do together: love. Every time I like to rediscover her body. Every time is made of new sensations. It's amazing how we fit on the physical level.

Sara jerks away suddenly. She has her eyes closed tight and her face express pain and not pleasure. Something is wrong there. I start to remember that day where she lost it when we were making love.

"Is everything ok?" I ask gently.

"Yes don't worry." She says after a moment. She leans down again to kiss me but I avoid her lips. I look at her expectantly. "My side is a little sore but I'm fine really."

She kisses me again. But I push her gently away after a moment. She doesn't understand my gesture so I explain. "Honey, you're hurt."

"I'm fine Cath, I swear. It's not like this…" She says caressing my side so sensually that I can't help but slightly moan. "…Was going to kill me. And even if that was the case, from my point of you, dying making love to you is the happiest way to go." She say with a grin and then kisses me again. She senses my discomfort so she pulls back "Cath?"

"Don't joke with that." I whispers. She has looks at me intensely.

"I'm not immortal Cath, I will die someday." She just states.

"I know, I just don't like to think about it, I don't like when you joke about it because… I'm still not over the fact that I almost lost you last week." I say before breaking into tears.

She shifts her position and holds me tight. She doesn't say anything, she just lets me cry. We stay like this for a moment until my sob subsides.

"Lindsey's birthday is next month." She states out of the blue.

"Yeah." I sniff.

"You think, she wants a party?"

I snort a bit "I don't know, we should ask her."

xxxxx

"Can you hand me the magazine please?" I ask Sara.

We're cuddling on the couch, she's reading some Harry Potter's novel – who would have know? – while I'm going through the magazines Lindsey brought yesterday.

Sara stretches her arms to get the magazine from the coffee table and that's when I realize something strange.

"Your hands are shaking." I state gently. She puts her hands back as if my words had burnt it. She makes a fist and open her hand again. "Honey?"

"It's nothing." She mumbles averting her eyes.

"What do you mean nothing? Is it your wound again?" I ask concerned.

"Cath…" She says in a sigh.

"Did you take your painkillers?" I try to make her look at me but she's avoiding me and my question.

"Cath… drop it."

"Well did you?" I persist.

"I said drop it!" She says before getting up going into the kitchen.

"No, answer me first." I protest.

"Cath don't do this ok! Just drop it."

"Sara did you take your painkillers?" I ask with a tone that leaves no room for argument.

"Stop it! Ok? Don't mother me! Just don't! I know how to take care of myself!" She shouts.

"Well obviously not!" I come back.

We look at each other with defiance, letting the electric silence settle between us.

"I shouldn't have snapped." She says with a soft tone.

"No you shouldn't have." I state bitterly.

"I know, sorry. It's just that I don't like that. I don't like feeling weak and dependable."

"Ok." I go to her and give her a soft kiss. "Sara, I'm just worried about you."

"I know."

xxxxx

Three days later, I'm spending my afternoon in my bedroom with Linds talking about her week at school, since we didn't have much time for each other lately. I get up and go to prepare the dinner. Sara is standing in the kitchen, she's facing me but she seems far away in her thoughts.

"Honey do…" I don't get to finish my sentence as Sara jumps and lets the glass she was holding crashing on the floor. She looks at me with fear and surprise. Then she looks at the broken glass on the floor. She's shaking a bit I can see it from where I stand.

"You scared me." She says with a wavering voice.

That is strange. She was facing me when I arrive, it looks like her 'spider sense' is not working today.

I take a good look at her and she's a bit pale. I get the feeling that something is very wrong. She bends down and starts to clean the floor from the shards of glass.

"I broke a glass I'm sorry." She states the obvious not looking at me. there's something off in her voice and it gives me the creep.

She has great difficulties to actually pick the glass pieces from the floor because her hands are shaking even harder than before.

"Is everything ok?" I turn to see Lindsey watching us cautiously.

"Yeah baby don't worry. I scared Sara and she drop her glass." I say with a reassuring voice even though I can feel worry mingling with anger inside.

"Alright. I'm in my room if you need me." She states before retreating to the corridor. I think she can feel when adults need space. I'm graceful for that because I can smell the argument with Sara in the air.

I turn back to Sara who has finished cleaning the floor. She's still a bit pale and her hand haven't stopped shaking. I could state the obvious and try to be diplomat but right now I don't have it in me to do that. So I decide to take the bull by its horns. I let Sara working in her own devices and the result hasn't changed yet, so it's my turn to take the commands.

"Where are they?" I ask firmly yet with a soft voice.

"What are you talking about?" She says confused.

"Your painkillers Sara. Where are they?"

Her face hardens in the instant. She's shooting daggers at me with her eyes but I stand my ground without flinching. She used to send me this look when we were barely civilized to each other, and she always sports this look when facing a suspect. I don't like that.

"I think we already had the conversation." She says with a low and unpleasant voice.

"We did but it seems like things got worse since then. Where are your painkillers?" I repeat calmly.

"I'm not a kid." She says to the floor.

I walk to her and stop inches from her face. I force her to look at me.

"Maybe but if I have to treat you as such so you take care of yourself then I will. Again where are they?" I try not to shout but it's difficult.

"Drop it." She growls.

"No. Tell me where they are. I'm going to watch you take them and then I'll leave you alone."

"I said: Drop. It." She says with rage burning through her eyes . For the first time I'm really afraid of the person in front of me.

Her shaking has increased, I sustain her glare but I'm really scared. The image of her hitting violently a wall pop into my head and right at this moment I wonder if she's going to raise her hand on me. I take a step back, away from her. If I can doubt the fact that she wouldn't hurt me then something is really wrong. I drop my gaze on her hands. That's when I realize that they're balled into fists and that she's shaking from the pressure she's applying on it.

She takes a deep breath and relaxes her hands with great effort. "I'm going to bed" She announces not looking at me.

Later I hear her make a phone call to Travis. She's agitated and she's barely speaking. What really hurts me is when I hear her say that she needs him, really needs him. That she can't turn her feelings off, that they've made a mistake and that it has to stop.

For the first time we sleep next to each other with a distance between us. I never felt so cold before.

xxxxx

"Sara your cell is ringing." Lindsey shouts from the living room.

Sara is cooking while I'm taking care of the laundry.

"Can you pick it up for me?" She answers.

"Sure." Lindsey answers . She picks up the phone. "Hello?… No this is Lindsey, who are you?…She's got her hands busy right now, can I take a message?… Will she understand if I tell her that?… Ok…I'll tell her… Have a nice day too, goodbye sir."

Lindsey says hanging up the phone. She walks to Sara in the kitchen and concentrates before delivering the message. "So it was a man named Travis who said that he was calling to tell you that you have an appointment at 14: 00. And he said that it was a waste of time to try to call him back because he won't be able to answer for a moment. He's waiting for you at 13: 30, he tells you not to be late." She pauses and thinks for a moment. "That's it."

"Thanks." Sara answers

Lunch time goes by quickly. But since the phone call I'm stuck into a spiral of questions. I think jealousy and doubt are eating me alive.

So Sara and Travis have an appointment? What does it mean? Is it a code between them to say that they have a date? What's going on Sara's life? What is she hiding from me?

It's 12:55 and Sara is sitting in the living room reading. When she feels my presence she tenses and put away her book. I can't hold everything for myself so I go on and ask what's been burning my lips since Travis' phone call.

"Where are you going?" I ask with a gentle voice.

"At my apartment to meet Travis."

"What are you going to do then?"

She sighs. "Why are you like that?"

"How am I?"

"Inquisitive." She says annoyed.

"Why are _you_ like that?" I echo her words.

"Like what?"

"Aggressive. Every time I try to talk to you, you just push me away and get all defensive. I'm asking you a simple question, why is it so hard for you to answer?" I state a bit frustrated.

"Because I hate it when you breathe down my neck. I hate the fact that I have to update you on my every move." She says with a calm but sharp voice.

"Well if you talked to me maybe I wouldn't be so _inquisitive_!" I spit.

"We're going to the hospital." She states with a sigh.

"What? Why? Is it for him or for you?" I start to panic.

"For me."

I feel my head spinning and nausea is not so far away. "You would tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?"

"Of course I would." Sara states gently.

I quickly recover from my surprise and worry, and all these feelings are replaced by anger.

"Why?"

"I just need to talk to Dr Donovan. I've been shot a week and a half ago I'm pretty sure he and I can find something to talk about."

"No. Why do you go there with Travis? How come you didn't tell me you had an appointment there?" I elaborate my question.

Sara just stays silent and looks at me.

"Are you having an affair with him?" I ask suddenly.

"What??! I can't believe you're asking me this!!" She exclaims

"What I can't believe right now is that you're not answering the question."

"For crying out loud Catherine! He's my best friend. No I'm not having an affair with him or with anyone for that matter!"

I feel like there was an heavy weight on my chest. One I can't get rid of.

"I'm just trying to understand why you're shutting me out of your life." I say trying but failing not to sound desperate.

"Because…" She look up at the ceiling. She takes a deep breath, holds it and then releases it. She looks back at me with an intense stare. She walk next to me and cups my face. "Cath, I love you. I do, but there are some things I'm not ready to share with you just yet." She caresses my cheek with her thumb and then let go.

I stay frozen on the spot while she disappears in Lindsey's bedroom to tell her goodbye. When she comes back to me I haven't moved from an inch. She kisses me and then she gets out of the house.

Just when I thought I had gain the access to 'Saraland' the door shuts itself on me, sending me backward even further than I was before.

I think I'm getting to the end of my rope with this relationship.


	53. Chapter 53

**Sing with me : just keep diggin', just keep diggin', just keep, just keep, just keep diggin'... (Finding Nemo rocks!) lol ( sorry I just needed to goof around...)

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Chapter 53: Sara **

I went to talk to Dr Donovan. According to him my fears are legitimate but I'm still under control. And if next week nothing change then he will be looking for another treatment that doesn't affect me so much.

Great.

I'm driving Travis back to my apartment. He has barely spoken to me in two hours. I still have three hours ahead of me before my shift starts. I'll take this as an opportunity to make him talk to me.

Once inside my apartment he gets himself a glass of water while I take a place on my couch.

"You're pissed." I state.

"Not pissed, concerned." He corrects me. I give him a puzzle look. I can't decipher him today. "I want to see your left arm."

"Excuse me?"

"Just show it to me please."

"What are you looking for?" I say buying myself time, knowing full well the purpose of his request.

"I don't want to have a fight over this."

"Fine let's not doing this then."

"Tell me, did you really think I wouldn't notice?"

"Notice what?" I snap. "You know, you're supposed to trust me!"

"You know I do. Please, I want to see your left arm." He repeats. His voice is calm and gentle as ever. And right now it's unnerving me.

"I didn't try to hurt myself!" I protest.

He disappears in my room at this and comes back with one of my shirts in his hand.

"Now show me your left arm." He orders more firmly. "Unless of course this isn't your blood."

I sigh as the pieces of the puzzle are falling back into place. "It is my blood. I tried to reach something behind boxes on Catherine's attic and there was something sharp in one box. It cut me, end of the story. I didn't banded it but obviously it was deeper than I thought." I explain.

Travis stands before me looking at me intently not saying a word but trying to figure if I'm telling the truth.

"It was not intentional. Go ask Catherine if you want, she was there when it happened." I sigh.

"I believe you." He just answer before taking my shirt to the laundry room.

When he comes back he takes back his glass of water and grabs his book before sitting on the couch. I don't let him off the hook though. The assumptions he just made, make me think. I know him and he doesn't check up on me unless he has a good reason to doubt me.

"T, why would you think that I was hurting myself again?"

He takes a deep breath and answers my question without looking at me. "You're losing your grip."

"I'm afraid of being an addict again but…"

"I'm not talking about this. Not only."

"I don't follow." I reply with a puzzled look.

"You're having sleepless nights, mood swings, violent crises, intense nightmares and now you have to face your addiction because of your painkillers. Does that remind you something?"

I stand, upset, I hate when he does this and I certainly don't want to have this conversation now. "So you think you know me uh?" I ask bitterly.

"Have I said something wrong so far?" He asks rhetorically since he knows perfectly well the answer. My silence just confirms his assumptions.

"You need to talk to her." He states after a moment. Here we go again.

"And I will, when I'm ready!" I snap "We already had this conversation so drop it." Funny this line reminds me another argument. I start to pace, my mind is spinning when I think about all this. "Why are you so pushy about this?" I ask but before he respond I voice his mind "You're afraid I'll hurt her, aren't you?"

"No, I'm not worried about her, I'm worried about you."

"I don't have suicidal thoughts and I'm not hurting myself!"

"Really?"

"Yes!" I shout back "Why are you like that? You say you believe me, yet you're almost accusing me of lying!" My voice gets louder so much I'm angry. "What? You're afraid of losing your grip on me? Is that it?"

Ok, that last line is totally unfair I know it, but I just can't understand him.

"Oh that was very mature. Now I have a grip on you, you mean like you were my puppet on strings?" He says sarcastically.

"I don't know, maybe you're jealous, maybe you don't like the idea that you'll have to share your place in my life with someone else."

"Please, what do you think I am? Five?" he sighs "Look, I'm just saying that you're losing it and you know I'm right."

"I can handle myself so stop playing the boy scout!"

"You can handle yourself. Are you sure of this?"

"Aaahhh!" I cry in frustration "For the last time I don't have suicidal thoughts!"

"Really?"

"How dare you doubting me?!!" I scream.

He stares right back at me, stoic. I'm so angry that I'm shaking, I want to destroy something badly. His face softens and when he answers me his voice his calm again.

"That day you came to see me and I was out, I found you passed out against the wall."

"I know." I say through my teeth.

"When I found you, you had your gun in your hand." He says with pain in his voice.

I'm stunned to say the least, and then I'm scared. Suddenly it's hard to breathe.

"I can compete with slash wrists, but no matter how hard I'll try I won't ever stop bullets." His voice is laced with a mix of pain and anger. "This is me you are talking to. We've been there before and I refuse to wait until it's too late." He marks a pause and walks to me. He looks at me straight in the eyes and put a hand over his heart. I know that look. "This thing in my chest can't beat without you, and right now it's burning me from the inside because as much as I'm here with you now, I'm not when you need me the most. Right now Catherine is the one next to you but it's as good as if you were alone if you don't talk to her."

I'm standing still in front of him. I try to process his words but I'm still stuck on the part where I had my gun in my hand.

"We can't get down that road again. I won't let you get there again. So please get a grip on me but get a grip on her too." He says before kissing my forehead.

"I think I need some air." I say absentmindly before grabbing my keys and getting out. I get into my car and drive until it's time for me to go to work.

I'm losing it, he's right, and I know it.

xxxxx

When I'm sent home by Grissom at the end of my shift I'm frustrated and upset.

We found Tawny. No that's a lie. Correction we found Tawny's body.

She's another 'fallen angel'. Four down, two to go. That's what I'm repeating myself and I'm pretty sure that if we don't find a way to stop this bloody cycle it's going to happen. We have to find Rebecca and Adam. Problem is we only have names, in fact except theories and tattoos we don't have anything. This case is more and more getting to me.

When I arrive home Cath is waiting for me. But I'm so upset that we barely exchange two words before, I go to the bathroom. I take a long shower but I'm still tensed. I go to bed where Catherine is waiting for me. We've been sleeping next to each other as in 'not in each other's arms' for two days now and that's not good. But somehow I need that distance right now.

xxxxx

I spend four days wearing me out on that case and I don't feel like moving at all.

I don't bother to sleep anymore my nightmares are way too vivid. Every times I close my eyes I feel claustrophobic. So I take a nap every now and then but it's never more than one hour. The lack of sleep is starting to show and it has disordered my all being. I barely eat, I'm becoming paranoid, I have rather unpredictable mood swings and I'm less efficient at work.

But there's worse. I'm having dark thoughts and strange flash-backs. Sometimes it's hard for me to say where is the line between reality and dream. I think I'm getting depressed.

My life is slipping off my hands I know it and I start to fear my ability to stay in a relationship.

As days go by I talk less and less with Catherine. We are two strangers under the same roof. I'm to blame I know that, but no matter how much I try I just can't reach her. I'd have to talk to her for that and I can't just do that because I can't barely bear my thoughts. And since I don't trust myself lately I'd rather not digging my own grave.

Now when I have a nightmare I run away from home before doing something stupid. I don't go to Travis because I'm mad at him. Ever since our last conversation everything got from bad to worse. I think our conversation triggered my fall. Now I'm on such a state I don't even know who I am myself.

I'm on the verge of insanity.

Just an hour ago I was sleeping next to Catherine, then I woke up with goose bumps, and cold sweat. I have failed fighting nausea and puked my guts in the bathroom. I've tried to calm myself but nothing would work. I've lost it with Catherine. She was trying to comfort me but somewhere I've pushed her away and we've ended up screaming at each other.

Where it becomes bad is the part where my urge to punch something overpowered me and for a second I saw myself hurting Catherine. So did she. Sure it was just in my mind but the look of fear in her eyes was real and that's why I ran away yet again.

I'm on my way to Travis when I have the clearest thought of my life: I don't want to run anymore.

I make a U-turn and head back home. I'm going to talk to Catherine.


	54. Chapter 54

**Chapter 54: Catherine**

She has ran away from me. Once again.

I feel like I was stuck in a bad movie and that I was repeating the same scene over and over again. Sara had a nightmare more intense than the day before. I tried to reach her but she has rejected me further than the day before.

This last week we've barely spoken to each other. To be honest I'm tired of always be the one to reach only to get a door slamming into my face.

Love makes you blind and marriage gives you your sight back.

Well in the case of Sara and I, living together has opened my eyes. And I definitely don't like what I see. It's like being on a boat during a tempest you always sway from one way to another. One minute everything is perfect and the next everything blows up in your face.

Add to that the fact that I don't know my lover at all. Well it isn't true I know the basics, her favorite color, her favorite meal, her ticklish spots and such. But except that I don't know anything. And if you want my opinion it's a bad thing after five months of being lovers and more of being friends in such an intense relationship.

But there's worse – yes I assure you there is, I don't have the feeling of safety or stability with Sara anymore. I lost that feeling and I start to wonder if I still love her or if I've made a mistake in my feelings. I'm suffocating in the relationship and I think it's insane.

As you can see I'm extremely confused. But not that much when you think about it because there's one or two things I'm sure about.

I'm mad for one and then…

I hear Sara's key moving on the door. Since I'm sit on the living room I'm just waiting patiently. Once she spots me she comes next to me. She's looking right in front of her and seems lost.

"I need to tell you some things Cath." She starts after a moment.

"I don't want to hear it." I state calmly. She snaps her head back to me and looks at me with confusion. "Where did you go?" I ask with an emotionless voice.

"I drove around." She answers at first but I don't stop looking at her because I want her to tell me everything. "I was on my way to see Travis." She admits adverting her eyes.

There we are, the heart of the problem. I can feel my blood boiling but I keep my stoic mask on. I have so much anger in me it's burning, on the other hand there's so much anger that it anesthetizes me. I think I've given up. So I seem calm when in fact I want to scream. I think that's what letting go must feel like. It's so unlike me, usually I fight but now I don't. I just… don't. I've let go my grip and just take thing as they are.

"Ok." I reply and with that I retreat to our bedroom, analyzing my feelings and deciding on what will be my next move.

Sara comes into the bedroom after a moment I think that she has picked up on the fact that everything is not ok. A that's a good thing because otherwise she wouldn't deserve her reputation as a CSI.

What the use of staying tangled in a web of pain? What the use of being the only one to fight for a relationship when it doesn't matter anyway, if it doesn't make any difference? Why should I keep being the one mistreated and having my heart broken into million pieces? It's time for me to be the strong person I used to be. The one I fought so hard to become.

I'm sitting on the edge of my bed and looking at the window. I can feel the first rush of sadness stabbing my heart. I take a deep breath, I think I'm about to do the best thing for the both of us. And mostly for my own sanity.

Sara sits next to me cautiously and waits for me to react in any kind of way.

"You were right, he's the first on many levels." I start. I look at her and I see fear and confusion written all over her face. "Travis." I add. "He's the first you trust, the first one you run to, the first one you confide in, the first one you talk to, the first one you let be there for you."

She takes my hand and entwines our fingers. I look at our linked hands I turn to her and gives her a deep kiss. But I think she can tell that this kiss has a bitter taste.

"Too bad I've never been good at being second." I state in a whisper.

I get up and go to the window. I feel weak and my heart aches at each beat. I take a deep breath and turn to her.

"I need to be alone. I want you to get out." I tell her.

I hear a breathing hitch. She looks down and then in slow motion she rises and start to go to the door.

"I'll be on the couch." She says.

If it could be that easy.

"You misunderstood me." I say firmly. She turns to me puzzled. I take one last look at her before dropping the bomb. "I don't want you to get out of this room." I inhale deeply. "I want you to get out of this house, out of my life."

Her face turns ashen, her breath is cut and her bottom lip start to quiver.

"Are you breaking up with me?" She asks with a shallow voice.

"I don't know. I'm just tired of all this and I can't stand your muteness anymore. I can't stand to live with a stranger and I don't have the patience nor the strength in me to wait for you to trust me." I mark a pause to set my thoughts in order again. "I'm confused in my mind, my feelings are a mess, my life is a mess, and I don't know where I stand anymore. But I know this, I'm too tired and I'm suffering way too much to keep on like this." I beg my heart to keep on beating just a few more seconds. "I need to be away from you Sara. I need some distance from this relationship. Whether it definitive or temporary I don't know. But I need time for myself to think and to sort things out. I need to know if I want to pursue this relationship or not."

There, it is all said.

I watch Sara's face literally decomposing in front of me. She's been crying silently since the minute I told her that I wanted her out of the house.

I silently pray that she will understand my need and not put up a fight now because I've used all the force I had in me to make my speech and I barely have enough strength left to stand.

She tries to calm herself before trying to talk. "Is there any other way to sort this out?" She asks with a wavering voice.

I shake my head. "No."

We stay still, looking at each other straight in the eyes as our world slowly crumbles down. For the first time since I don't know when, we're on the exact same wavelength.

She walks to me and cups my face with shaky hands. She stares at me intently before she gives me a deep kiss and then she goes away without a word. I hear the main door being opened and closed. And then there's nothing left but me in the emptiness and the coldness of my room.

I burst into tears as pain and sadness ravage me from inside.

My heart beats a little more before giving up.

Suddenly I hear the words of Mac Leary echoing themselves in my head. 'What the use of having such an appendage as a heart if it you never use it?', well now I know the answer with clarity. It's useless.

And with a broken heart I'm as good as dead.

I cry myself out, it's over.

xxxxx

I wake up with a massive headache. I don't have to go at work for another two hours I'm glad because saying I'm under the weather is a huge understatement. I feel like an empty shell.

I'm desperately in need of Sara. I want her to be there, to have her holding me, to be able to kiss her, hell just to share silence.

Every damn breath hurts like hell.

I go to the bathroom and take a long shower. It doesn't make me feel any better.

The silence and the emptiness of the room are just depressing and it takes all my will power not to give in the temptation to call Sara and ask her to come back. I must not be weak. I have to be strong. I have to.

Beside it won't solve the issues. It will put the back to later. And it won't be healthy. I refuse to bury my head onto the sand just because I need her, just because I'm dying out of love for her.

I go to the kitchen and make coffee. I hear a cell ringing. I start to look for my cell when I realize that it's Sara's ringbone. Please tell me she hasn't forgot it. As I listen more closely I realize that the sound comes from outside. I look through the kitchen window and find Sara sit on the stairs.

I'm not going to rush to her. I'm not.

I make a guess that she's been there ever since our last talk. She looks lost. God I need her touch. I really need to hold her right now. Almost on its own accord my body moves toward the door. I stop myself as I'm about to open the door. I rest my forehead against the door. Her cell rings again and this time she answers.

Just the sound of her voice is enough to make my heart beat again.

I take deep breaths and then take a step back away from the door as I hear her said that she'll be there in an hour.

How the hell am I supposed to survive without her?

xxxxx

I go to work and bury myself under tons and tons of paperwork. I don't get out of my office except for refilling my mug with coffee. Then I go back home and spend time with Lindsey and go to bed.

And so begins my silent and sad dance on my own.

I need to occupy my mind and paperwork is just perfect. That way, I don't think about my broken heart, I don't wonder how Sara is, I don't have the temptation to call her, and my agony to each new passing second is not as vivid as when I don't do anything.

It's a temporary bliss but for at least nine hours I don't feel nor think about Sara.

Before I know it two days pass and I feel more dead than two days before. I can't even sleep in my own bed. Sara's sent is lingering there. But even it's hard to sleep in this empty bed without wanting to cry. So when I'm home alone I take little naps on the couch.

Lindsey is quiet and attentive. She doesn't complain against whatever I'm asking her. I think she has understood that I was on the edge. It'll never cease to amaze me how mature my daughter is. I haven't told her about Sara and I yet, but I just can't say it aloud, not now. Just thinking about it makes my heart hurt so I've decided to wait a while.

"Mom, is Sara coming home soon?" Lindsey's voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

"Hum…" My throat is sore and it takes all that I have not to break in front of her. "She's still at work and she might stay there for a while." Ok, it's not totally a lie, it's a white lie. As far as I know Sara was still at work when I left, then she won't come 'back home'.

I know Sara and I are going through the same. And knowing her, I guess that right now she's doing her best to shut the pain down. In other words, she's burying herself down into work.

And truth to be told, if it wasn't to spend time with Linds, I would have done the same because being home is depressing.

Now I lied to Linds because my answer suggests that Sara will come back home eventually.

"Ok" Linds says.

"Did you need something?"

"Well I have some math and physics to do so… but I'll be fine. Besides I haven't see her much this week…" She sighs "Anyway, I'll be in my room if you need me." And with that she retreats to her bedroom.

As for me I mope around not knowing what to do with myself.

xxxxx

Three days. Three long and painful days.

I always knew it. I always knew that if Sara ever broke my heart it would be the end of me. And boy was I right.

No wait, I take it back, I was wrong because it a billion times worse than what I thought.

Love is a killer, Love is a poison, Love is a monster, Love is an illness. But ultimately Love is a cruel and cold Bitch with a capital 'b'.

Damn, I remember the days where I was depressed because I thought Sara would never love me back. Well now I feel the same only it's tenfold because she doesn't love me enough.

I never thought I would ever said this being sober but: paperwork be blessed! If you need a good way to be lobotomized painlessly then scratch paperwork all day long! Yet another shift has passed. I finish my last line and when I look at my watch it's two hours later than I thought. Damn it!

I rush out of the building and try to reach Nancy over the phone. How could I've been so brainless? Oh right… paperwork.

I drive to Nancy's as fast as I can without breaking the law. Once I'm there I run to the door and knock frantically. Two seconds later Nancy opens the door with a questioning look which turns rapidly into one of concern.

"Cath? What's wrong?" She asks me promptly.

"Where's Linds?"

"In the study room with Jeremy why? What the…"

"Oh thank God." I breathe in relief. "I'm sorry, I totally forgot to call you to remind you to pick her up from school, I'm unforgivable but I'm glad you have good reflexes…"

"What are you talking about? I didn't pick her up." She says cutting my rambling.

"What? What do you mean you didn't pick her up? How did she get home then?" I start to panic. My dreadful thought pops in my mind "Please tell me she hasn't been hitchhiking again!" I say desperately.

"No she hasn't relax."

Ok, I'm lost. "Then how…"

"Cath are you sure you're ok?" Nancy asks me calmly but clearly confused by my behavior.

"No I'm not, I don't know how my daughter got home and it bothers me." I snap.

Nancy looks at me like I had grown a head. "Cath, it's Friday." She says with a 'duh' tone as if this answer should already be clear in my mind. I stare at her silently waiting for her to make her point. I wonder if she has listened to me at all. When she doesn't continue I lose my patience.

"Talk to me Nancy! It's Friday so what?!"

She stares at me with concern before saying "It's Friday, so as every Friday Sara picked Lindsey up from school."

"Sara…"

"Yeah, you know according to the schedule it's her turn." Nancy elaborates.

"Schedule…" I must sound like an idiot parrot now but I feel like I've been shot in the head.

That, ladies and gentlemen, was Reality punching me in all its glory. You never realize what you have until you lost it. I'll tell you I realized what I had when I had it, what I didn't realized was the size of the void the absence of it would left in my life.

Nancy is still looking at me with concern. "Cath?"

"I…I'm going to see Linds." I say, because I don't want to talk about it, because I can feel yet another stab in my heart. Nancy get the message and don't push the issue.

"Alright. I'm here if you need anything." She says and I know that her words mean more than she's actually saying.

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**What have I done?... Admit it you want torture me now (or worse:( ) , go ahead and say it : you hate me. Come on guys where's the love? (Good question... I looked in my drawer and I didn't find it, guess we'll have to do without for a while... mouah ah ah ah ah ah evil laugh x)... hey to my defence I'd say you've been warned!)**

**Let's get on with the Chaos again... but remember the truth is in the title... Have faith in me ;)**

**Thanks for reading.**


	55. Chapter 55

**Hey I'm back with a little chapter (very little), but if everything goes as I plan there'll be more tomorrow...I felt some kind of bad vibrations after the last chapters so I figured a little update was better than nothing...lol...Thanks for your reviews they were sweet... even those with a threat of torture :) **

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps:**

**Chione: **I really hope your little brother is better, meningitis is such a bitch...(my best thoughts are with you ;) )

**Immi: **well I liked your analyse of the situation. It proves my point, the key of relationship is communication, because without it, everything is based on perception which only lead to mistakes and confusion - as you can see. As for the suicide point... well it's a possibility although it's not what I have in mind right now - I think I can bring Sara lower than she already is, so I guess we'll see.

**Alex mort **I'm a nice person so no I don't want to kill you although I admit it was a little mean from me... ;)

**Sara Lya, ACertainJustice:** You want me to bring them back together uh? Well I guess I can do that, I mean in theory. I brought them together once surely I can do it again...right? I'll just have to remember how I did last time... meanwhile they'll be apart and suffering because I'm good at doing this and it's so much more fun and easier...(evil? me? no way XD )

**

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**Chapter 55: Sara**

I died three days ago.

How come I'm still here you'll ask. Well then put me under the label of 'living-dead'. Living-dead, yes I think it describes me better. I'm a soulless, heartless body, rotten from inside. The reason? Simple, Cath broke up with me. Well, she didn't say that. Officially she just pulled out the 'time out' card, but the result is the same: it killed me.

Since then I've been living at the lab. I work, I shower there, I change for fresh clothes, eventually take a nap in some forgotten room and I start a new cycle again.

I would have gone on if it wasn't for the fact that I had used all my spared clothes already. So I went back to my apartment.

It's been only three days, but for me it's been a lifetime of agony. I truly realized what was happening when I picked up Cake from school. I did it out of habit and then it hit me that it wasn't my place anymore. Lucky me I didn't cross Cath's path, I don't think she would have wanted me here.

Cake… I haven't had the guts to tell her the truth. It's funny, when you're in a relationship you don't really see all the people involved with you, those people who will be caught in between and who will support the consequences of this relationship with you, and suffer the collateral damages.

It was depressing and really hard not to break in front of Cake.

I dropped her at Nancy's an hour ago. Then I went back to my apartment and since then I've been having a nice heart to heart with an old friend of mine. I like him because he's good at anaesthetizing the pain.

My front door is being opened and closed. I can feel my visitor moving toward me before stopping dead in his tracks. Here we go, just what I need right now.

"I see you have company." The voice is cold and accusing. My visitor sits next to me and looks at my old friend. "Hello Jack." He says sarcastically, acknowledging the bottle of JD on the coffee table.

"Hello Travis." I reply for the bottle as a smartass that I am, with a sweet smirk on my face. I don't have anything in return but silence. "Don't lecture me." I say after a moment with a dull tone.

"It's not my job." Travis answers harshly.

"Really? Sometimes I wonder." I say with a snort.

He turns to me and pins me with his stare. It's no stare of anger or disgust, just a blank stare – which to me is worse especially coming from him.

"I see you two have been having fun for a while." He states. Then he gets up and takes the bottle with him.

"Put this bottle back down." I say between clenched teeth.

But he acts as if he hadn't heard me and continues his journey to the kitchen.

"Travis, put this bottle back where you found it." I almost scream angrily.

This time he turns around and looks at me "Or what?" He asks defiantly.

He knows that now isn't the time to play with my buttons, he knows it damn well, yet he's doing it.

"Travis…" I warn him.

He opens the bottle and empties it into the sink while looking at me. He shouldn't have. I throw my still full glass at him, he avoids it barely on time. The glass hits violently the cupboard and shatters into pieces splattering golden alcohol everywhere.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?!!" I shout.

He gives me a hard look which I'm giving him back until I realize what I've just done.

He walks to me and silently dares me to look away. "Someone who loves you obviously." He says in a low and harsh tone. He puts the bottle down on the coffee table with enough force to break it. "Here."

We don't break eye contact. I snort and look away. "Just what I needed." I say defectively.

I get away from him, take my coat, grab my keys and leaves my apartment without a word.

I'm not in the mood to put up with him.

xxxxx

Come on open yourself… come on be a nice door and open yourself… Crap!! Why those bloody keys won't work?!

Oh… I know…that would be because I'm using my car keys to open the front door of my apartment. O-kay, same player tries again.

Yeepee! I'm in, one pat on my back for realizing such a feat in my actual state, after only… seven minutes, not a bad timing I might say. So Sara's in the place and the door is locked: step one complete. Good girl. Now step two: getting myself something to eat. I 'walk' as much as possible and those meters looks like thousand miles. I have to say that reaching my goal would be so much easier if the room would stop being such a bitch spinning and swaying in every goddamned directions!

I manage to get to the counter, but I misjudge the distance as I try to take a grip on it. I stumble, trying to get my balance back but fail miserably and land painfully on my ass. Ouch, now that hurt. Gee, when did the floor get so low? I try to get up again but fall back. Fuck, I'll just stay here after all.

There's someone's hands on my face. I get away from the grip and use my hands to push them away.

"What have you done to yourself Sunshine?"

Crap. I hope he wouldn't be there anymore. Well knowing him, I bet he has been waiting for me. I'm sure he watched me trying pathetically to make my way in and fall on the floor before coming to me, just to see how far I could go by myself.

I look at him and he stares right back at me. I burst into laughing. "Aren't you happy now? Everything happened as you planned it…" I slur. He tries to reach for me again but I push him away. "Come on say it… You're dying to say it…" I dare him.

"What?" He asks me with an emotionless voice.

"I told you so." I reply with a whining and unpleasant voice. He just stares at me silently. "She wants me out of her life… she can't stand my muteness anymore…" I say half laughing repeating the words which have been destroying me from inside for the last three days. "I had it coming didn't I?" I ask with a awful smirk

Travis doesn't say anything, just reaches out to pick me up from the floor but I keep pushing him away.

"Enough." He says getting one of my wrist firmly. But I keep on trying to get out of his grip. This time he tightens his hold hard enough to hurt. I look at him defiantly with a sweet smile. "I said enough." He says slowly with a menacing tone.

The look in his eyes tells me that the game is over. I don't like this look, I never did. It's a hard and violent look, showing his disappointment mixed with anger. But still the first and strongest emotion displayed through his green eyes is 'concern'.

So I give up. I stop fighting him. He brasses me in his arms like a child and takes me to the bathroom. There he showers me and I don't protest. It's like I was nothing but an unanimated puppet. Once he's done he dresses me up again with a pair of boxers and a large t-shirt. Then he brasses me up in his arms again and takes me to my bed. He gives me a kiss on my forehead and leaves the room. Within minutes darkness falls upon me.

xxxxx

I wake up feeling like crap. I don't have time to dwell on it though because I have to run to the bathroom in order to worship the god of porcelain until my guts burn.

I take a long shower to freshen myself up. Before leaving the bathroom I confront myself with my thought. I'll tell you, it's one thing to feel like crap yet it's another to witness it.

I get into my living room. Travis is sitting at the island, there's a plate of breakfast for me, I ignore it and grab the glass full of a fresh 'Nectar of decomposed body fluids'. I drink it with one gulp and then go to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. That's when I see shards of glass lying on the floor. It brings back the events of last night. I think that's the exact reason why Travis let them there. For me not to forget and the second reason is for me to take my responsibilities and clean my mess. Well not today.

Travis doesn't talk to me, in fact he's ignoring me. I hate it. I can't stand rejection coming from him. But I can't face him either so I go wash my teeth while he keeps on doing whatever he was doing on his computer.

I leave home with a bag full of fresh clothes so I won't have to come back here anytime soon.

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**I'll be back soon with a little more... For those who are looking for some hope.. well you'll have to wait. **

**Thanks for reading**


	56. Chapter 56

**Thank you for your reviews as always you're the best ;). Here's two more chapters - this way you might wait until the next update which will be I don't know when... I'm still looking around for Love but don't find it so you'll have pain and depression and pain and anger and... well positive vibes :p...(sorry) but look on the bright side Cake and Nancy are back on the scene...**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

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**Chapter 56: Catherine**

The days go by and all look the same. Every new day I feel a knife being plunge into my chest and being turned until the pain is so vivid that it makes me numb. And that's just when I open my eyes.

I'm on autopilot. I wake up, I go to work – where I manage to be on the field for long hours or do paperwork locked in the safety of my office all the shift long, then I get back home, there I feel so lost that generally I cry myself to sleep. Then I go picking Lindsey from school all the while acting like nothing was wrong. Then when she goes to Nancy for the night I cry again before going to work again.

I'm in hell.

xxxxx

I'm in the kitchen working on a file. I have a rule: never bringing work home. Yet here I am breaking this rule because it's one of the not numerous things that keep my brain away from my heart…from Sara.

Lindsey comes in, takes a glass of water and sits next to me. I stop whatever I'm doing to give her my complete attention. She seemed preoccupied, so I don't push. I can tell that she's in an inner struggle, trying to decide whether or not to voice what's on her mind.

"Can ask you something?" She finally says with a decided voice.

"Anything."

"But first I want you to promise that you won't get mad."

"I promise." I say after a pause.

"You and Sara have broken up, haven't you?" She asks bluntly.

Oxygen leaves me lungs in the instant, it's like she had just punched me in the guts. I feel a wave of nausea rising in my throat and tears are ready to fall.

"Mom?" Lind's voice reaches my ears again.

I swallow hard but the golf ball won't pass. "Well…No…Not really…" I try to find a coherent thought but everything is so messed up inside. My heart is bleeding, my mind is screaming and I can feel my body shaking. "We are having… a kind of… time out right now." I manage to say in spite of the vivid pain it causes to my chest.

Lindsey doesn't say anything for a moment, she just looks at me intently. "So you have broken up." She states flatly, before returning her attention to her glass.

"No it's not like that… we are…" I try again.

"…having a kind of time out, I heard you." She cuts me off.

"Linds it's… complicated." I say with a strangled voice.

She looks at me seriously then says "No it's not. Mom whatever words you use to describe it the result's still the same. She won't come back home anytime soon, will she?" She says vehemently. I think she's angry.

"No she won't." I answer in a whisper.

"Why didn't you tell me anything?" She asks upset.

"I… was waiting for the right moment I guess."

"Oh really? And when would it have been? In two months or next year?" She snaps.

Her aggressiveness is hurting me. I feel like we had just taken a step backward. Back to when she was a spitfire under the features of my daughter.

"I'm sorry mom, I shouldn't be angry." She says with a soft voice now. "It's just that… I feel left behind." She confesses. "We aren't supposed to have secrets from each other that's the new rule… at least for every family problems and I think that what's happening is a family problem… I shouldn't have snapped…"

"It's ok, I should have told you." I gently say caressing her hair.

"Did you think I wouldn't notice?" She asks shyly.

I don't know how to reply so I stay silence. She continues "You know for the last two weeks, the only times I saw her were when she picked me up from school, there was also that day when she came by at Nancy's but except that…" She sighs "She doesn't say anything, you don't say anything… The two of you just act as if everything was normal when it's not and I get the feeling that no one is being honest with me and come to think of it I was right." She rambles.

Now I feel miserable.

"You could have told me, I would have understood." She says quiet tone.

"I have no excuse for my behavior, I ask you to accept my apologies." I say after a moment.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asks again.

"I guess a part of me wanted to believe that it wasn't real… it's complicated."

"I'm not sure I understand." She states confused.

"Well…how to explain…sometimes things are really painful but as long as you don't talk about it a part of you can still pretend that it's not happening. But voicing those things out loud make them real and more painful…"

"I know what you mean." She says lost in thoughts. "When daddy died I've spent days thinking that it wasn't real, that the accident didn't happen… that daddy was still alive." She pauses and takes a deep breath. "Then the week-end where he said he would take me to the planetarium came. I wait the whole day for him to come or just to call to say that he couldn't make it. But nothing happened." Her bottom lip is quivering a bit "Then I came to you and said that he was dead and then I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. Then I cried hard because I just realized that I wouldn't see him ever again, because I realized that it was for real."

I keep on caressing her hair. She doesn't cry but I can see her sadness. I remember that day, it was a week after Eddie's burial. She hadn't spoken to anyone for a whole week, and that was the first words she said to me in days. It's a horrible thing to see your child in so much pain and being so powerless to soothe it or to make anything better.

She looks at me with a concerned gaze.

"How are you feeling?" She asks. I'm tempted to say that I'm fine when she adds "Honestly."

I swallow the lump in my throat. "Honestly? I fell…sad… really sad." And with that I break down in front of her. She hugs me fiercely and starts to rock me a little.

"It's going to be ok mom. I'm here for you." She whispers while soothing me gently. I start to cry harder and tighten my hold on her grateful that she's there to catch me.

xxxxx

Another day, and a fresh new layer of hurt. Today I saw Sara for the first time since I throw her out. The knife on my heart danced happily at her sight.

I don't cry anymore. I can't. But the hollowness of my heart keep on growing everyday, and it's about to swallow me whole.

I go home and as everyday I start cleaning the house to keep my mind busy. I think the worse part is when I'm home alone, because then there's nothing to really focus my mind on, absolutely nothing to keep me from thinking of Sara.

There, I'm expecting to hear her voice, I'm expecting her to come from behind me and delivering a gentle kiss on my neck, I'm expecting to hear her singing softly without noticing it while doing something else,I'm expecting to hear her giggle softly as she's reading her Harry Potter Novel, I'm expecting her to come and put her arms around my waist from behind just to be close… I'm expecting her, period.

Now I'm driving around the streets of Vegas because I'm upset and I feel betrayed.

I was on my way to see Nancy and when I got there I saw her. I saw Sara hugging my sister, I saw those two getting comfort from one another. So I did the most mature thing to do. I ran away. Now the radio is playing loud enough to keep me from thinking.

xxxxx

"_Brown"_ the deep voice answers after two rings.

"Rick…"

"_Cath?"_

"Yeah… it's me." I sigh "Listen... I think I'm over the limits so can you come and pick me up.. please."

"_Tell me where you are."_ He answers immediately.

One of the reasons I love Warrick is the fact that he's there for me all the time and he never judges me even when I'm making mistakes or a fool of myself, just like right now.

Twenty minutes later Warrick arrives at the bar, he simply walks to me and takes my hand "Come on, I take you home." I resist the tug he's giving to my hand "Cath?" he questions me.

"Please don't take me there. Take me any where but there." I beg.

He looks at me for a moment and I think he wants to ask me why, but he stays silent instead "Ok."

In the car, I watch the streets of Vegas passing by through the window. It lulls me so I close my eyes and rest.

xxxxx

A chill run onto my body as the door is opened. I try to move to undo my seatbelt but I'm so tired and out of it that my moves are uncoordinated and weak.

"Hey there, don't worry about it, I take it from here." I hear the voice of Warrick telling me. It's strange because he's close yet I hear like he was feet away.

He takes me into his arms, closes the car and starts to walk away. I hear him knocking softly onto a door. The door opens and two seconds later the voice of my sister reaches my ears.

"Hey Rick." She whispers.

"Hey Nance." Warrick whispers back "Sorry for the late call."

"Don't worry about it."

I feel Warrick walking slowly and carefully as if to avoid awaking me. "Is her room ready?" He asks.

"Yeah, come on." Nancy answers and we start moving again.

After a moment I feel myself being put down delicately on a bed.

"What happened?" Nancy whispers.

"I don't know, she wasn't really talkative. She just said that she didn't want to go home. Then two minutes in the car and she was gone to dreamland."

One of them sighs but I don't know who.

"Thanks for being there." Nancy says after a long silence.

"No problem." Warrick answers and I can picture the soft grin gracing his features. "Can I use your phone to call a cab? I let my car at the bar."

"Sure. I'll go make some coffee while we wait."

I feel someone sitting on the edge of the bed, caressing my hair and kissing my temple. "Rest well." The smoky voice of Warrick says before he leaves.

xxxxx

I wake up from my dreamless sleep with a pounding head. Bloody hell, it hurts. I go into the bathroom and take a shower. I get rid of the sweat but I still feel like crap. I dress up and go hunting for a well needed coffee.

I make my way to the kitchen. The light is too bright and I can feel my head spinning because of it. I sit on the nearest chair. Nancy is moving around quietly still unaware of my presence. I lean my head into my hands so I can block those stupid sun rays.

"Here." Nancy says softly.

I lift my head up and find a full plate and a steaming mug of coffee in front of me. Thanks Lord for my wonderful sister. I've neglected myself lately. As an example I'm about to eat my first real meal ever since things got wrong in my life.

"You made me scrambled eggs with my special?" I say in wonder.

"Huh uh." She just replies.

"I love you." What else is there to say?

"Love you too sis." She says and though her back is to me I can tell you that she has a soft grin on her lips. My sister has always been the quiet kind. She has this tranquil force that appease you every time you're around her. She always knows what will make you feel better. "Oh and before I forget Linds left this for you." She hands me a sheet of paper folded in two.

I take it silently. "She went to kiss you goodbye before leaving for school, she said you were sleeping so deeply that you didn't even move." Nancy continues.

I nod "Shame I missed her." I say with a twinge of regret. I take the first bite of my breakfast and close my eyes before moaning a little, damn it is good. "Aren't you supposed to be at work?" I ask Nancy suddenly intrigued as why she's still here.

"My boss gave me my day… remember I told you about those seminary days that I had to get back."

"Yeah right… I remember now." I say in recognition after a moment of thought.

"And I thought you might want some company." She adds quietly.

I don't reply to that and unfold the paper Linds left me. I can't help but smile when I discover the content of it. She has drawn a winking and smiling sun, just under it she has written 'have a nice day, I love you mom.'. I love my daughter and even more for little things like these. All the sudden I feel better.

Nancy lets me enjoying my breakfast in silence and I'm thankful for I know she's burning to know what's going with me lately. Once my plate is empty, Nancy sits next to me with her own mug of coffee. She puts one of my lock behind my ear in a soft and affective gesture.

"I'm sorry for last night. I didn't mean to bother." I say sheepishly.

"Now, now, you know you never bother me, then I like to feel useful every once and a while." She answers lightly.

"Nance." I chuckle.

"What? It's true!" She protests. "Besides I feel a bit neglected lately." She pouts.

"Oh yeah? And why is that?" I enquire.

"It's just because… Look I know you and Sara are going through a phase lately…" She starts before my bitter laugh interrupts her.

"Is that what she told you yesterday? Is that what she told you as an excuse to have a comforting hug?" I ask harshly.

"No… How do you… Nevermind… She didn't talk yesterday. As a matter of fact it was the first time I actually saw her in weeks. I called her because I had a shitty day to say the least, my sink was leaking, my car broke down and work sucked, I was on the edge and I broke down. So yes, she took care of me. Why am I telling you this anyway?" She rambles.

She shakes her head and takes a deep breath "Look, lately you barely speak and I can see it you're depressed. Sara looks as bad as you do if not much. And then Lindsey is angry at the world again and she look sad and really worry about you. So you know it doesn't take a genius to understand that things aren't really ok."

What an understatement. I don't know whether to laugh or cry, I choose to laugh.

"Cath?" Nancy calls me, obviously puzzled by my reaction.

"Thing's aren't ok, they're just great." I say sarcastically "Sara and I broke up… no wait, I broke up with Sara and since then there's not a day passing by without me feeling the remains of my broken heart killing me. I haven't spoken to her in what seems a lifetime and the two times I saw her, like yesterday… I felt, like I was shot straight in the heart or what's left of it." I chuckle bitterly "But look on the bright side, the good point being that now at least I know where I stand. I don't feel like I was living with a stranger anymore. Everything is clear and in order again. So you know, life is just... peachy." I say with a light tone.

Nancy looks at me flabbergasted. She is processing all the information. It takes her a good minute, then she tries to say something but then decides against. Instead she comes to me and envelops me into a comforting and loving hug. I don't give in at first as her gesture catches me off guard. But all the sudden I find myself crying like a baby hanging her as if my life depended on it.

Nancy just hold me silently. She doesn't tell me that 'it's ok'; or that 'things will be fine'; that 'I'll be alright'; and I'm grateful for that because I don't need to be lied to right now.

"Look at me…I'm a mess." I say through my sobs "It hurts so much."


	57. Chapter 57

**And here you thought I couldn't hurt Sara any more... **

**I'm bad, I'm bad you know it... because I'm bad, I'm bad... yeah yeah yeah (I love that song...)

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Chapter 57: Sara **

"Sara I need to have a word with you." Grissom calls me.

I follow him into his office, I close the door behind me as he motions me to sit down. I comply and wait for him to tell me whatever he wants to tell me.

"When was the last time you ate something?" He asks.

"Huh?" I reply eloquently.

"When was the last time you ate something?" He repeats, but slower this time. Great, now he thinks I'm stupid.

"I don't know… I don't really keep track of this kind of things."

"When was the last time you slept?" He keeps on.

"Grissom, I'm not sure to understand the point here."

"36 hours" He says.

"What?" I exclaim "Ok, you lost me ever since the first question. What is this all about?"

"36 hours, you've been working for 36 hours straight." He looks at his wrist watch "No wait make it 37 and 50 minutes. The last time you ate something more consistent than a coffee was 30 hours ago, and I believe it was just half a sandwich."

"Are you stalking me?"

"No, as a supervisor I keep an eye on every member of my team because the efficiency of a team depends on the state of mind of its members."

I process his words still not getting the point of this meeting. "Is this about me doing overtime?" I try "Is this your new approach of the subject?"

"To some extend yes" He takes off his glasses and cleans them thoroughly, that's his way to collect his thoughts. Whenever he does this, you know you're in for some long and serious lecture.

Well, let's have it.

"Sara, whatever you're going through at this moment could soon become a problem." He states.

My anger rises in the instant "Grissom I'm a professional, I would never let my personal life interfere with my job!" I snap through my teeth.

"I said that it could soon become a problem." He sighs. "Sara you are human so by nature you are fallible. After 12 hours awaken your focus is gone so whatever you're doing is condemned to be counter productive. Sure you are one of the most thorough and vigilant, that's what makes you one of the best CSI. However when you work 37 hours straight you are acting like a rookie."

"Are you calling me incompetent?" I ask angrily.

"No, not incompetent, negligent. Picture this, I send you on the field things turn wrong and since you're not at your best you might not be able to handle things properly. Or you're here handling evidences but you're too tired to realized that you've done the wrong test and destroyed a piece of evidence. By taking this risk you are negligent. I refuse to let one of these situations happening."

"Grissom, you know me…" I start to plea my case but he cuts me off.

"Yes I do. And if you can fool everyone into thinking that you got back home in between two shifts, you're not fooling me. I know that your locker contains a lot more spare clothes than it should; I know that you shower there and eventually pass out in one of the forgotten lab at the second level."

Great, I'm busted.

"Usually I would let you go on your own devices, knowing that you will get back to your senses by yourself, that it wouldn't last." He marks a pause for some dramatic effect. "This time, this little dance has been going on for two weeks and a half. So I'm pulling the red flag." He sighs "I shouldn't have to spell this out for you, but you don't seem to realize much lately. When you are over your limits there's too many interests at stake for me not to do something. First and foremost there's your health and equilibrium; there's your partner's life while on the field; there's the evidences while on the field and the lab; generally speaking there's the cases you're working on and last there's your career." He finishes his speech.

He seems to wait for me to say something but instead I focus my attention on the spider on his desk. I know that if I open my mouth now, nothing good will come out of it.

"I'm not against you Sara, I'm on your side."

"And you're only doing this for my own good." I reply like a petulant child.

"Yes I am, even if it doesn't seems like it to you now." He takes a deep breath. "Go home Sara."

Home? And where is that? I laugh bitterly inwardly. "Fine, I will." I answer resigned, there's no need to argue it's a lost battle.

"I meant now Sara."

"What? Come on you've got to be kidding, there's five hours left before the end of the shift, come on…"

"Go home Sara, and tomorrow enjoy your night off. I don't want to see you around here before a day and a half. Am I clear?" He says calmly also there's a subtle hint in his tone letting me know that we won't have an argument over this.

"Great." I get up hastily and start to get out of the room.

"Sara." He calls me back.

It takes all my will not to bark at him. I turn and face him again. This time he has a genuinely concerned gaze. "Let me guess. Whatever I need, you're here for me?" I say harshly. He looks hurt but nods. Crap. I sigh and breathe deep to calm myself "Sorry. Look Griss, I know… just… don't worry ok?"

xxxxx

I manage to get myself home in one piece and without any speed tickets. I shouldn't drive when I'm angry like this. I get myself inside my apartment and go directly to the fridge. To my surprise what I'm looking for isn't there. I start to look inside all my cabinets and drawers. Every time I come out with the same statement: empty.

You have got to be freaking kidding me!!

I let out a cry of frustration. Fuck you Travis Carter!

He emptied my apartment from every single bottle and cigarettes. He's lucky he's not around because now I'm invade by murderous impulses. I can't believe he did this. How dare he?! I should have known he would pull a stunt like this on me but still, how dare he?!

That's just great, not only am I pissed beyond belief but now I don't have any addictions to give in. Boy does that make me angry.

I pace in my living room like some enraged animal to calm my nerves and think a bit. Well maybe it's for the best, I have to pick up Cake from school today so being clean is not such a bad idea.

On the other hand I can't stay idle, I need to find something to do. I need to focus my brain on something. Let's fine a book. Oh I know one.

xxxxx

I wake up and find myself laid on the couch with my book on my stomach. I'm lucky this thing is comfy. It's 12 a.m., well I was tired after all. I decide to get up and go to the bathroom. That's when I see Travis sitting on the armchair next to my couch, reading a book, or at least pretending to. I know it's his way to checking up on me. We're still playing at 'ignoring each other happily'. I haven't spoken to him in almost three weeks. The worse might be that I don't really care.

I shower and when I get back into the living room a plate full of healthy food is waiting for me. Once again I ignore it and content myself with a bottle of water. I still have two hours left before having to pick up Cake. So I decide to finish my book.

Travis moves around my apartment like I wasn't there – he watches the news, he works on his computer – all the while I feel like a plant but I don't say anything.

I leave early – that is to say when I can't stand the strained silence anymore.

After a little ride I park in front of Cake's school and wait for her to come out. Lately, I've been waiting for my day to pick her up with great impatience. That's probably the only good thing left in my life.

After fifteen minutes of waiting, kids start to come out. I never realized it before, but I like that, waiting for Cake to come out of school and telling me about her day. I like feeling in my place while among some parents.

Cake sees me but unlike the other days she isn't smiling. That's not a good sign, even when Cake has a bad day she smiles a bit while seeing me.

"Hey Cake." I greet her with a soft smile.

She doesn't respond or stop to kiss me hello and just gets in the car. Well… I take my place behind the wheel and wait for her to talk to me. But I doubt that moment will come anytime soon. She's just staring at the window with a blank expression.

"So… how was your day?" I try cheerfully. I remember that I met walls more expressive and communicative than Cake is right now. I start to be burnt from inside with a bad feeling. You know this feeling telling you that things will go very wrong. I give her a whole minute but I'm met with nothing but her silence. "Cake?"

30 agonizing seconds pass but she still doesn't respond. I decide to give it another try. "I thought about you today. I red Frankenstein and…"

"I couldn't care less." She says harshly.

I'm stunned by her reaction, but at least I've had a reaction. I'm about to speak again but she beats me to it.

"I don't want to talk to you."

"May I know why?" I ask after accusing the blow.

"If you need me to spell it out for you, then you're dumber than I thought."

I take it she knows about Catherine and I then. Well now at least I can justify her anger.

"Cake…" Whatever I was about to say is killed on my lips.

"Don't you call me like that anymore!" She snaps.

I simply nod and start again "Listen…"

"What? You're sorry? Is that it? Or no let me guess it's too complicated? Well I don't care! I don't want to hear any of your lame excuses!" She turns to me for the first time and for the first time she's looking at me with anger. "She's crying because of you. You make her sad. She was crying when you were there, now she's crying because you're not. I told you as long as you would make her happy it would be fine by me. But you're making her sad and I hate you for doing so!"

It's like a fist in the guts. But I had this one coming.

Once more she turns herself to the window "You were supposed to make her happy." She whispers.

I'm frozen on the spot, there's so much I'd like to tell her but all the sudden my whole mind is blank and void. The silence becomes pregnant, then her angry voice resounds again "What are you waiting for? Flying pigs?"

I take another second to shake myself out of my daze and then turn on the ignition. It's a 15 minutes drive to Nancy's. Today I could have been a 15 hours drive, I wouldn't have made the difference.

I had it coming. I'm not a bad person. Screwed up, yes; but bad, no. I try to think of a way to make her understand the situation during the drive, nothing comes in mind though. We arrive at Nancy's. Before she gets the chance to reach for the lock of the door I try to speak "Cake…"

"I told you not to call me like that anymore!"

I take a deep breath and go on. "Do you remember when we used to talk about your father?" I wait for any sign that she's listening to me.

"What about it?" She spits.

"Remember when you told me that sometimes you felt so lost that you would do or say the wrong things and hurt the people you love?" She nods after some seconds. "Well that's exactly how I feel right now. Lost and confused. I… there are some issues I've avoided so far and now I have to fix them all at the same time and it's confusing and it's turning my life upside down." I take a second to put some order in my thoughts before going on. "I've said and did the wrong things and I've hurt your mother deeply. So you have the right to be mad at me and to hate me, I won't blame you. To be honest that's how I feel toward myself. I'm not looking for you forgiveness because I have no excuses for what I did. I just want you to understand."

I take it as a good sign that she left me the chance to go this far in my speech although she's been staring at her feet all the long.

"I understand." She whispers finally. She starts to get out of the car but then she stops "A big part of me is mad at you for what you're doing to mom." She sighs and then looks at me with sadness in her eyes "But there's a tiny part of me that hopes…" She trails off and averts her eyes "A tiny part of me hopes that you'll find your way back home...eventually." She lets her words hanging in the air a bit and then gets out of the car. Before closing the door she turns to me "Don't bother picking me up from school anymore." She says firmly.

"It doesn't bother me, at all." I say trying to hide my despair at her rejection.

"I don't want you to pick me up anymore." She spells out more clearly and less diplomatically. Although I can see in her eyes that it's hard for her too.

"Oh, ok" I say swallowing hard my pain. And with that she's gone.

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**I know it doesn't seem that way but I'm working on making things better... I really do...but those things take time ...**

**Thanks for reading ;)**


	58. Chapter 58

**Hey, hey I told you I wouldn't be gone for too long! Thanks for your reviews I don't think you know how much it means to me, so thank you ;). Here's two more chapters...**

**I'd like to apologise because my e-mail box had a little problem so I recieved this morning all the PM you sent me last week... I don't want you to think I'm rude or anything not to answer when you ask questions or just to reply...Anyway...**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: Chione,** I have already red the story actually because I knew this site before knowing fanfiction net, anyway yes I think this story is awesome! By the way congratulations how far along?

**Gringo**, thanks for your patience and little tips, I feel like not being a hopeless case after all ;). And yes I'm studying Napolonian Law, and hopefully if everything goes right this year next year I'll get specialised in business law so your advice is precious...thanks again ;)

**ACertainJustice**, you asked me a favor and I'm willing to give you what you want but not right now... sorry... but mark my words there'll be hope at the end of the tunnel ;)...See I can be nice:)... good things come to those who wait... right:)

**Immi**, it took me 29 chapters to bring them together but I'm not a good model, so you don't have to follow the lead... ;)

**icklebitodd, **if you liked Grissom then wait to see the next chapter... ;)

**Anyway on with the story, thanks you all again for the reviews ;)**

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**Chapter 58: Catherine**

Linds is moody today. She hasn't talked ever since I brought her back home from Nancy's. So I decided to please her preparing her favorite snack: cold milk with fried apple slices. Right now she's sitting at the kitchen table silently, her face lightens up a bit at the sight of her snack. She eats eagerly and I'm relieved that I have succeeded to cheer her up.

"So how was your day?" I ask her gently.

"It was ok." She says without enthusiasm, letting me know that she doesn't want to talk about it any more than that. I decide to change my approach.

"Word's around there's a big day coming." I announce.

"A big day uh?"

"Uh hu, a really big day. Do you know what day it is?"

"I don't know." She replies with a mischievous smile.

It's a game ever since she's got 7. She has three attempts to make me laugh and if she succeeds she gets one crazy gift.

"Oh don't tell me! It's the day that I get to drive a car!"

"Not anytime soon." I reply seriously.

"Is it the day where I get to have a tattoo?"

I wonder if she remembers the rules alright because so far there's nothing to laugh about.

"Dream on." I say with a very serious face.

"Is it the day… I have to wear a bunny suit?" She asks with a straight face. As for myself I crack into a big laughter. Ok she's getting good at that game. "Whoohoo am I good, am I good." She says whooping of joy.

It takes me a minute to calm myself a bit. "Alright, so what do you want?"

"I don't know yet, I'll think about it though." She says beaming.

"Say, do you want a party for your birthday?"

She thinks about it "Nah it's ok." She dismisses the idea.

I feel a bit pained, she loves parties, but since Eddie's death she hasn't done any birthday parties.

"How about us going out together?" She asks eagerly.

"Sure." I say with a bright smile

"Do you want to bring some of your friends along?"

"No just you and I."

"Ok then."

"Cool"

We spend the rest of the afternoon talking in the kitchen. I'm glad that communication is restored.

"Mom, I have to tell you something." She suddenly says out of the blue.

"I'm all ears."

"But first you have to promise that you won't get mad."

"I promise, I'll try." I say cautiously feeling her guiltiness all around. She looks at me expectantly "That's the best I can do."

"Alright." She draws a deep breath. "We have to readjust the schedule for picking me up from school."

"Why?"

"Because Sara won't pick me up again?" She tries sheepishly.

"What? Why?" I ask softly.

Sara breaking my heart is one thing, but if she has broken my baby's heart then Hell will break loose. How could she? I never thought she would do something like that.

I had chosen not to interfere, because I knew it was important for Linds and for Sara., at least I thought it was important for Sara as well. How could she be so insensitive?

Boy I'm mad, and I'll let her know.

"I asked her." Linds' voice stops my angry ramble.

"Huh?" I'm confused.

"I asked her not to pick me up anymore." She elaborates.

Now I'm surprised. "Why?" I ask, Linds glances at me and I understand immediately. I sigh "Baby, whatever is going on between me and Sara shouldn't be a reason to stop your relationship with her. I don't mind, I know she's your friend and I'd never ask you to stop seeing her on my account."

"I know it's just that… I'm mad at her so I don't want to talk or see her for a while."

"If that's what you want it's fine with me." I reply. A part of me can't help to think about Sara, if it was Lindsey's decision then it must have been tough on her.

xxxxx

For her birthday Lindsey took me to Adventuredome and then she made me do some more roller coasters. Now we are taking a break having something to drink and an ice cream.

I decide it's a good opportunity to reveal her gift so I take an envelope from my purse and hand it to her. "Happy birthday honey."

She takes the envelope and opens it with a little apprehension. She reads the content twice I think just to make sure there's no mistake. Then her eyes get bigger than dinner plate "Bungee jump? I'm going to do a bungee jump?" I just nod in confirmation. "This isn't a joke right?" She asks.

"Nope. It's only from 40 feet, but they say it's the same rush of sensation."

"Oh my god!!" She says before making a funny squealing sound. She jumps everywhere and then hangs on to my neck hard enough to cut my breathing – not that I really mind. "Thank you mom, thank you, thank you, thank you!! This is so cool!"

"I'm glad you like it."

Ok, I have to admit that I wasn't really fan of the idea but even since one of her classmate had experienced bungee jump, Lindsey wouldn't stop talking about it or trying to sweet talk me into letting her doing so, because it was so cool and all. So I made a concession this time and honestly when I see her face lightening up like this I don't regret my choice.

xxxxx

Lately I've been spending most of my time at Nancy's – since I can't stand being home alone. We don't necessarily talk, I just enjoy not being on my own, moping around my sorrow. Right now I'm sat on the couch reading a book while Nancy is cleaning around giving me some space and privacy.

When she's done she sits next to me with a magazine. I decide to lay down a bit so my head is resting on her laps. Instinctively one of her hand finds my hair and starts a gentle journey through it. Soon I fall asleep with a feeling of calm and peace.

I wake up with a start. I can't remember for the life of me what was my dream about but it freaked me out. Nancy starts to massage my scalp again and within seconds I'm relaxed.

"Feeling better?" She gently asks. I just nod in response "Bad dream?"

"I suppose, I can't remember."

We stay silent for a long moment. "How are you lately?"

"No so good. I feel sad and incomplete." I answer with a sigh. "I don't cry anymore which is a good thing but I feel like an empty shell. I miss Sara very much." I confess honestly.

"Did you tell her that?"

"That would imply that I actually talk to her which is not the case at the moment. I've avoided her so far. I just can't stand seeing her everyday and not being with her."

"What do you want?" Nancy asks after a long pause.

"I want her back in my life. I can't go on without her. Nothing seems right. Everything is hollow and tasteless. I love her, I don't want anyone but her. On the other hand I can't let her treat me like that. I mean, I can't be put outside of her life. I can't stand that. And if she can't change or stop hiding from me…then… I don't want to think about what my life will look like." I say weeping a little.

"You and her need to talk."

"No kidding. Every bloody minute I wonder if she's fine, I wonder what she thinks, I wonder if I made the right decision." I say with a pinch in my heart. Truth is that I feel like a junky in need for a fix. I need Sara like I need oxygen.

"Call her." Nancy just says.

"What do I say?"

"Anything. Just tell her that you'd like to talk to her, that this break is killing you, tell her that… I don't know, tell her your conditions."

"I don't know."

"Just tell her hello. That'd be a good start." Nancy says softly. She reaches out and hands me the phone. "In the worst case you just have to hang up."

I take a deep breath and release it "Alright." I take the phone from her hand and dial Sara's number and with shaky fingers, my heart is on my throat and I think I can't breathe anymore but everything is fine.

Three rings and still nothing. When I'm about to hang up the line comes to life.

_"Hello?_" A male voice says.

My breath gets stuck in my throat and everything stops at this instant. All my pain flows back in me like I'd just been stabbed. Travis. I had totally forgotten about him.

_"Hello?"_ His voice calls me back to reality.

Nancy takes the phone from me and hangs up. "Cath? What is it?" She asks me when she doesn't get any reaction from me she speaks again "Cath you're scaring me."

No matter how hard I try, the oxygen refuses to fill my lungs. I can feel warm tears wetting my cheeks. "I forgot about him…" I hear me say.

"Who?"

"Travis."

When I think about it, it seems like everything went worse from the moment he came into the picture.


	59. Chapter 59

**You might think that I hate Sara, I don't, it's quite the opposite actually... but I think that there are times like these where you need to make a perfect score before waking up...**

**ps: a little reminder for those who've forgotten it. Icruah: I Could Really Use A Hug

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Chapter 59: Sara **

I'm on Nancy's porch, in front of her door. It never seemed so difficult to actually knock on it. I know what's going to happen. I'm going to get in and she'll tell me how bad I'm treating Catherine, how much she hates me and how she doesn't want me to be in her life anymore. Nancy, she was the only one missing at my perfect score. Catherine, Cake and now her, boy the bill is heavy.

I take a deep breath before facing the consequences of my acts. Nancy opens the door, and one look at her is all it takes me to confirm my predilection.

"Hi." I say flatly.

"Hi." She answers.

We move to the living room but stay stand. I take another deep breath "Let's get this over with." I plea, she just frowns "Come on, somehow I doubt you made me come here for a hug as your message suggested." reffering to the an Icruah message she's sent me an hour ago.

"I'm glad you're smart enough to realize this by yourself. I should feel bad for tricking you on this but I knew it was the only way to actually make you cross my door." She says with a hint of despise. She chuckles bitterly. "I'm pissed off." She says before starting to pace like a caged animal. I just watch her and wait for the other shoe to fall.

"I'm pissed off and mad at you. I shouldn't feel hurt but I do. I shouldn't feel betrayed but I do, even though I'm not the one with a broken heart!" She says animatedly. "I was wondering why you wouldn't get in anymore when you'd drop Lindsey's off, and what do you know, I learn that you have hurt my sister. I can't believe you didn't have the guts to face me."

"I didn't want to lie to you." I reply honestly.

"So you took the coward path really mature of you." She spits. I guess I deserve that one. She stops in front of me as if she expected me to say something. "I'm going to ask you the question only once but I want a honest answer." She states.

"Shoot."

"Are you cheating on my sister? Did you?" She asks with steel in her voice.

"I told it to Catherine and I'll repeat it as many times needed: I am a faithful person. I don't cheat on people and no I don't cheat on Catherine, never did and never will."

Nancy scrutinizes me a for a whole minute to see if I'm saying the truth. "Good. But I'm still mad at you."

"Let me guess, you don't want to see me anymore? Or maybe you want my firearm, if it's the case please let me two minutes ahead." I say joking because if I don't laugh now I'll cry and I can't do that because I had it coming.

Nancy's grin is imperceptible. She looks away. "Tempting, but I won't. I won't make things easy for you." She makes a pause "I'm mad at you." She repeats.

"I think I got it."

"As her sister I want to kick your ass really hard, hard enough to get my shoe stuck in your colon for a while actually, and yell at you that I hate you." She says angrily then she sighs "As your friend…" She takes me in her arms and holds me tight.

I'm tempted to give in but I don't, I don't deserve comfort so I push her back "I don't deserve it."

"No you don't, but I know you need it."

"Thanks." I whisper in the verge of tears. She tightens her embrace and then let me go. "I hate myself." I confess.

She looks at me and leans a delicate hand on my cheek "You're someone good, unfortunately you're acting like a class A jackass. You and Cath are good for each other."

"I know."

"I'm here if you need me."

"I have to do this alone."

"Don't give up Sara, hang on and be tough."

"It's not up to me."

"Do you think it worth is?" She suddenly asks me.

"Yes it does. I'm as good as dead without her." I answer with energy.

"Then do what you have to. And if she doesn't want to give it another try then show her she's wrong but don't stay there saying that you can't do anything about it. It's up to you too." Nancy says upset.

I just nod in response. "I have to go."

"Alright." She says before hugging me once more. And with that I leave her.

xxxxx

I hate having days off. Not only I have to stay home but Travis is playing with my nerves relentlessly. Like right now for instance, I'm depressed, not in a good mood and the only music he found to put on was Beethoven's 'Ode to joy'. Doesn't that boy have a great sense of humor folks? God I hate him when he's like this.

I decide that enough is enough and turn the music off.

"Hey I was listening to that." He protests.

"Yeah well it wasn't good for my nerves." I sit next to him on the couch and we pout in our corners. I sigh and decide that things need to change between us so I offer the truce. "That's enough, I can't stand it when you ignore me and you know that. I know I screwed up big time but right now I need my best friend back. I need to talk to you Travis."

"Well as far as I'm concerned I'll take Beethoven over your moaning any day." He answers coldly.

"I'm sorry for my behavior, now please can you be there for me as my friend. I broken hearted, I'm hurting here." I confess.

"I don't see why frankly."

"Well I don't know. Let me think about it, it must be because the woman I love throw me out of her life." I snap. What's wrong with him?

"Well it shouldn't be that hard considering she never loved you in the first place." He says looking at me innocently.

"Catherine loves me!" I say angrily.

"No she doesn't, she never did." He repeats. Where the hell am I? Is this the twilight zone or what? And where's my best friend?

"You have no right to say that, Catherine loves me, she…"

"No, no, no Sunshine she doesn't!" He says yelling so he can cover my protestations. "She never did, for the simple and good reason that she doesn't know you! What she loves right now is the picture of you. The part you have made up to please her and the rest of the world. Unfortunately it isn't you."

"Shut up, shut up! You don't know shit!"

"I know that she doesn't know you, the real you."

"Catherine knows me!"

"Just because she knows your ticklish spots, your favorite meal and color doesn't mean she knows you." He states with sarcasm. I don't want to have this conversation. I don't want to hear this.

"Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about!" I say again shaking my head.

"Really? Say, does she know about your childhood or your parents? Does she know what happened after your father's death? Does she know about the drugs and all? Does she know everything about us? Does she know where those scars on your wrist come from? Does she know what your nightmares all about? Does she know why sometime you can't stand being touched or close to any one?" He asks me vehemently.

Each of his questions was like a hot bullet straight into my chest. He waits for me to answer but he knows I won't since he knows the answer for one and then because I can barely sustained his gaze for now. I'm at his mercy, fact which he's well aware of.

"Tell me Sunshine, does she know any of those things?" He repeats with a smirk "I thought so. You see until she knows this she'll never love you. She loves a picture, a lie, a fake but certainly not you. So don't come moping around when you made the choice not to be honest, so now rip what you saw in silence. Sorry to tell you this but you had it coming."

Okay this pill is hard to swallow. But I refuse to lie down while he stomps on me without any consideration. I'm going to put up a fight because that's what he wants, then a fight he shall get.

I chuckle bitterly "I told you, and it surely did a hell of good seeing that you left." I say with venom.

He shakes his head gravely. "I can't believe you just said that. Tell me you just didn't reduce our relationship to some superficial fling. Tell me you didn't insult me and my feeling for you." He says with disgust.

"It's a fact Travis. You're the only lover I had to know all those things and you left."

"Ok, first of, let me remind you that our break up was a common agreement. Then six years! SIX YEARS! SIX FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE! How can you insult me like that and suggest that all of this was just a joke! HOW?!" He ends up screaming. He starts to pace. "I can't believe you!"

Travis rarely loses his temper but when he did it's scary. His face is red, he's shaking, and pacing like a mad person.

"Then why Travis? Why did you leave me if it wasn't for this?"

"Because my feelings had changed for Christ's sake!" He shouts in disbelief. He takes a deep breath before saying with a much steadier voice "Feelings change Sunshine, they born, they grow, get stronger, they evolve and sometime they die. My feeling for you grew, they did and I love you more every passing day but this love isn't one two lovers share. It has nothing to do with the love you have for Catherine, or the one I have for Karen." He says.

For a long pause his words keep on hanging in the air. He watches with a questioning look as if I was supposed to know all those things. Truth is that we never talked about our break up. It was a mistake because somehow we didn't close this chapter properly.

"We could have stayed together but at some point it would have felt like something was missing. And I refused that because you deserved better and so did I. We have given everything we had in this relationship. When I decide to put an end to our relationship as lovers it's because my love for you was the same then than the one I have now, that's it." He sighs shaking his head. "I can't believe all this time you thought it was because of all this."

"What else? I was screwed up and insecure, I still am! I thought you were sick of it interfering between us constantly."

"I thought you have realized by now that I was in love with you, the whole you including your past. First because it made you who you are and then because I made me want to love you more." My eyes get wide at this. He laughs a bit "You never got it. It made me want to show you what true love was; that they were people worthy of your trust; that opening yourself to the world didn't always lead to being hurt; that there were beautiful things that worth living and fighting for; that there was something good beyond the Hell you went through." He chuckles "I wanted to be your knight in shinning armor."

"You were my knight in shinning armor." I whisper lost in his confession.

"I don't regret anything. And to be honest giving the chance to do it again, I wouldn't change anything. Not the long silences; not the sleepless nights watching over you to keep your nightmares at bay; not the days where you couldn't stand my touch; not our arguments; not even the ordeals we've been through; not any details; not anything." He confesses to me solemnly.

I can't believe what I'm hearing. I don't know what to say.

"I was honored when you let me in. Knowing about your past allow me to love you better; because I understood your silences, your insomnias, your nightmares, your vision of yourself, your distance. You weren't an enigma for me. And that's why it worked between us."

"What if she doesn't take it like you did? What if she can't support it?" I ask suddenly.

"That's a risk you have to take."

Not really what I needed to hear.

xxxxx

Another one. Another 'fallen angel'. Rebecca Spencer, same MO, same scene all over again. Greg and I are on our way to the morgue for the prelim of her autopsy.

"Hey Doc." I announce our arrival.

"Sara, Greg." He says grimly and sighs. "Sometime I hate my job."

"Tell me about it." I say understanding. "So let's go through the basics. She has three tattoos: wings, fun, and a crying angel. She shows signs of previous abuses; the words 'forgive me' are carve a bit everywhere; she has the word 'sinner' stabbed in her stomach; possibly signs of mutilations; no defensive wounds; and more than positively drugs in her system. That's where you fill the blanks." I state flatly.

"There's sign of a recent sex, not a rape it was consensual. I send a semen sample to trace." He says with an emotionless voice.

"We might have our breakthrough. What else Doc?"

He sighs "Ever heard of the expression: killing two birds with one stone?"

I'm confused at first "What does that have to do with…" I don't finish my question as realization hits me. Fuck!

"I… don't get it." Greg says hesitantly.

"She was pregnant." I simply answer. "How far along was she?"

"Five months." Doc says flatly.

"How come it does show any more?" I ask not hiding my surprise.

"Sometime the body doesn't give any signs of pregnancy; and in that case the foetus finds every little space available to grow."

"Anything else?"

"Nothing you don't already know."

At this statement I storm out of the morgue fuel with more rage and anger than ever before.

xxxxx

"How?! Greg, tell me how could it happened?" I yell at him.

Right now he's not looking at me. I've been yelling at him for the past ten minutes and he hasn't spare a glance in my direction yet. His eyes are in the wall in front of him, he seems to ignore me which only infuriates me.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you Greg!"

He turns to me with a hard look on his features "What do you want me to say?" He asks harshly.

"I want you to tell me how you could miss this evidence!" I scream.

"Well maybe if you had let me have more than two hours of sleep a day I would have done my job more properly. Go figure." He says with venom.

"Welcome in the grown up court. Greg this is serious, do you realize the consequences of this?!"

"No I don't, I'm stupid remember?" He says defiantly. He's provoking me and I hate that.

"You almost screwed up a case, I think it's time for you to stop goofing around and start to actually work because..." I scold him.

"Fuck you Sara!" He says looking at me with anger. That one stops me short. I can't believe he, of all people, says that to me.

"Run that one by me again." I ask stunned.

"I said: fuck you. What? You want me to spell it out for you? F-u-c-k space y-o-u, fuck you!" He repeats more firmly.

I've never seen Greg like this. He's never talked to me like this.

"Are you out of your mind?" I ask in disbelief.

"Me?" He laughs bitterly "Oh that's rich!"

"Greg…"

"Shut the fuck up ok! Let me tell you something, I'm not a robot like you Sara. I actually need breaks, food and most of all I need sleep to function properly. Yes, actually I'm human. Then you're really presumptuous, to come here and lecture me about an evidence I've missed; that's too fucking easy. Well HELLO! You were at that scene too so it means that, you, the most experienced of the both of us and supposedly one of the best CSI of this lab, missed that evidence too. You want to blame me, fine. But have the decency to blame yourself as well, Miss perfect."

Ok, now I'm pissed as hell. I take the photos of 'the fallen angels' and shove them to his face.

"Look at this! Look at them!" I yell and wait for him to obey. "This is not about you being tired or hungry! Right now it's about us putting a stop to this! Right now it's about us finding the person responsible for this! Right now it's about us making some justice for those girls and their families!"

"You think that I don't know that?!" He yells back.

"Then don't complain about wearing yourself out on this case because they don't deserve any less. And if you can't put up with this then go find Grissom and ask him to switch your place with Sofia because I don't need a sore thumb right now!"

We should stop. I know I shouldn't keep talking. This conversation is getting out of hands. Words are like arrows once they're shot you can take them back. And I know I'm telling things that I'll regret, and I'm probably destroying my friendship with Greg. I'm on the edge of my nerves right now and I pushed him on the edge too.

"Go to hell alright?!!" He screams. "Go to fucking hell!" He's breathing heavily and rage is burning is eyes "You think I'm not as mad as you to be so powerless to stop this?! You think I'm not pissed to see those girls, those wasted lives?" He sighs "Who the fuck do you think

you are?!"

"Right now seems like I'm the only one who care enough to work myself off over that case!"

"Aaarrgh." He cries out of frustration. "Fuck it!!! I'm out of here!!" He says before rushing for the door behind me. But he comes to an halt as a very upset Grissom is on the doorway watching two of us with the hardest look I ever seen on his face.

"I want the two of you in my office now!" He orders. Greg and I start to open our mouth but he rises one finger at us "Not a word. Now read my lips: my office, NOW!" And with that he storms out with us on his tail.

Greg and I enter Grissom's office and first and when Grissom follows he slam the door shut hard enough to make the glass shake.

"Where the hell do you think you are?!" He starts yelling. But he lets us know his question was purely rhetorical as he continues "This not a behavior I'll accept on this lab and certainly not on my team! You're are adults so act like it! You're supposed to work together! I don't care what the issue is but you certainly don't yell insanities at each other to solve it! I don't want this on my team. You hear me?" He stares at us for an answer but nothing comes "Do you hear me?" He repeats slowly with a threatening voice.

Wow. I've never seen Grissom like this ever. He can be really intimidating while pissed off.

"Yes sir." Greg and I both answer. We are still mad at each other but seeing that Grissom he's probably more angry than the both of us we don't object or make any form of protest.

"Greg you're excuse." Grissom says after a moment.

Greg starts to leave and I get up from my chair as well, I'm in no mood for a lecture. "Are you so confused you don't even remember your own name Sara?" He asks harshly. He doesn't give me a chance to answer "Get your ass back down on that chair." He orders me. I comply without a fight.

He sighs and passes a hand on his face. "I've tried Sara. I've tried to be understanding and conciliating but it's not working. This is the second time I'm rising the red flag with you. And this will be the last. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going out of this office and I'll get myself a mug of coffee, on my way back I'll check around in every lab. And by the time I'm done, which should make five good minutes, if you're still within the walls of this building not only I take you of the 'fallen angels' case, but I put you in three weeks force leave."

My eyes get as round as dinner plates at this. He has to be kidding me. He doesn't let me protest though. "Go on and try me Sara." He threats "I told you, this is the last warning I'm giving to you." He rises from his chair. "I'm going for my coffee now and I let you decide what's best." And with that he leaves his office.

Great. That's just great!

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**Well look on the bright side, things can't be worse...no scratch that because somehow I'm sure they can, it doesn't mean that it will but we never know...Have faith, things will get ok at some point or another... ;)**

**Ok that's it for today, I'm starting to work _seriously_ on my exams so it will take me a little more time to actually update but I promise not to make you wait to long. **

**Thanks for reading. ;)**


	60. Chapter 60

**I'm back, I'm back. Sorry for the delay. Thank you for your reviews you guys really rock!! On for two more chapter...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: ACertainJustice** here's for your favor... told you I always kept my word ;)

**ana** une revue en français, ça fait du bien une fois de temps en temps, merci beaucoup. Il y aura des moments heureux bien entendu... mais pas tout de suite...enfin je crois...mdr.

**bene** ok I have a hard time believing myself but basecally yes things won't be worse I mean...I don't know...we'll see :p

**Immi** my dear those chapters are there to show you why I didn't kill Sara...and hopefully to make Catherine getting back in your esteem ;)

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**Chapter 60: Catherine**

"Hey Greggo my man, how you doing?" Nick says cheerfully as we enter the lab where Greg is working on a laptop.

"Peachy." Greg growls.

I don't think I've ever seen Greg like this. Moody and pissed. Even in our worst days.

"I see." Nick says surprised as well by Greg aggressiveness.

"Say, do you know where we can find Sara?" Warrick asks him.

"No." Greg answers with a stern voice.

"Excuse me?" Warrick chuckles. "Call the press I think the apocalypse is near. Greg doesn't know the whereabouts of miss Sidle. Come on man I know you have a radar to trace her every second of the day. You always know where she is." Warrick teases.

"Are you deaf? I said I didn't know where she was and frankly right now I couldn't care any less!" Greg snaps.

"Hey chill out dude, whatever's pissing you off ain't my fault ok." Warrick replies harshly, all amusement forgotten.

Greg rises from his chair suddenly and starts to walk to the door but Warrick refuses to move so they're inches from each other and they're glaring at each other like they were about to get on each other throat. Men plus testosterone equal trouble, the oldest equation.

"Now if you would excuse me, I've some work to do." Greg says not leaving Warrick's gaze. Warrick doesn't move so Greg pushes him pass and go.

"What the hell is his problem?" Warrick says after a moment.

"I don't know man, just leave it." Nick says calmly.

Well something is wrong, as in very wrong. First Greg isn't quite himself, he has told Warrick off and then he was vehement about Sara which I think is the more worrying. I mean Greg being mad toward Sara is just unbelievable, it never happened before. It's like the world has started spinning backwards. It's just… wrong.

xxxxx

My shift is going slowly and since I've done everything I had to do so far I decide to have a break. In my way for the break room I catch a glimpse of Greg in one lab so I have an idea.

I come back to Greg's lab with to cups of hot coffee, his head snaps toward me as he hears me coming in. He was about to say something but I beat him to it "I come in peace." I say gently. He snorts a bit and relaxes but he's still upset. I don't know what happened but it must have been something major to get to him this much.

I seat next to him as he's looking at the screen in front of him. "I brought you some coffee." I state the obvious but it's all I can do to actually get a reaction from him.

He turns to me and I feel like I was looking at someone else, not the Greg I know. "Thanks" he says taking the cup with the ghost of a smile on his lips.

"Want to talk about it?" I ask softly.

"There's nothing to talk about." He says watching the screen.

I wait a minute or two and when I'm sure he's not going to talk anymore I decide not to push the issue. "Ok, if you find something you want to talk about you know where to find me." I say standing and squeezing his shoulder gently.

I'm about to turn to leave when he speaks again. "We fought." He says. I turn to him and he's staring back at me. "Sara and I. We fought." He elaborates. I seat down again and wait for him to speak about it. "We fought and then Grissom stepped in and gave us a nice lecture."

"Ouch."

"Yeah tell me about it, saying he was pissed would be an understatement. He actually yelled at us."

"Grissom?" I ask incredulous. When I was saying that the world was spinning backwards I wasn't to far off from the truth. Grissom rarely loses his temper.

"Yeah, that was something." Greg says with a light snort. Silence gets pregnant again as he loses himself in his thoughts.

"You look tired." I state after a moment of watching him. He looks like a zombie to say the least. He has big bags under his eyes, he's pale, he has a little bear which is cute on him, but his eyes are gloomy like there was a veil in front of them. Gone the little sparkle that made Greg… well Greg. He looks so lost and so serious right now that it's a little creepy.

"I feel like I haven't slept in months." He states flatly passing a hand on his face.

"How are you doing?" I ask rubbing a comforting hand on his back.

"Oh I'm peachy. I just had an ugly fight with one of my best friends, this case is going nowhere and it pisses me off to no end." He says with frustration then sighs "Like I said I'm peachy, everything is just peachy."

"How ugly?" I ask about the fight between him and Sara. He looks at me for a minute, I think he's pondering whether or not to share.

"We fought, that's all there is to know." He finally says. "No offence but first I'm not proud of the words that came out of my mouth and then I think my issues with Sara only concern her and me."

"That's fine by me." I reply gently.

He lifts his head up and sighs at the ceiling. "I screwed up big time Cath."

"We all do Greg." I counter.

"Yeah right." He snorts.

"Hey, don't forget you're speaking to the woman who nearly killed you while exploding the lab, who made you run tests off record and compromised as case, then compromised more than one case because of her temper. So yes, I think I know a lot about screwing up." I say lightly although my mistakes still affect me to this day.

"I guess you're right." He shrugs with a small smile.

"Don't dwell on it Greg. Whatever you did wrong is done so there's no point on thinking about what you should have done now. Just accept it and focus on doing some damage control. Then learn from your mistake and move on." I advise him. He lets my word sink and then looks at me intently. "Never regret, never look back."

"I take note of that."

Well, he's more talkative and less upset which makes me feel a bit better. "Want some help with your case?" I ask with a smile but his look shifts in a second into pure anger.

"Why you think I'm not good enough for this job?" He says with venom.

I hold my hand in a surrender gesture "Hey don't shoot me I'm not armed." I joke but his anger remains so I continue "I don't remember saying such a thing. Gee, relax Greggo. I'm only offering a hand, not because I think you can't do your job but because I think that right now I have a distance from this case that you don't have."

"Sorry for snapping at you."

"Don't worry about it." I brush off his apology.

He turns his head to the screen again and strikes some keys on the keyboard. Five pictures appear on the screen. "Joan Cavanaugh, Connie Philips, Jessie Williams, Tawny Woodworth, and Rebecca Spencer." He starts pointing each photo. "Let's start with the scenes. An empty or half empty room, the girls are lying in the middle of the room. No forced entry so each time the killer has been granted access, which suggest that the victims knew him. Wings are drawn with their own blood on the floor.They're holding a white lily. On the wall, in bloody letters stand the words 'fallen angel'. There are the words 'forgive me' carve on almost each place of their bodies. We don't know if the murderer is apologizing for doing this or if he's trying to talk for the victims. Then there's the word 'sinner' stabbed in their stomach, that's what kills them – internal bleeding. The only thing immaculate and untouched is their faces."

I listen to him as he methodically and thoroughly go over the details.

"Then the bodies. They show signs of mutilation, Doc says it was self inflicted. They all show signs of previous abuses. No defensive wounds, they were drugged and then stabbed. And now for the kill, they all have three common tattoos at the exact same places. Plus the tattoo artist…hum… Dan Haspel…. confirmed that they made their tattoos together each time."

"Well if there was a doubt about their connection it's now gone." I state as Greg proceeds to show me the tattoos.

"Now among those girls two come out of the lot. Tawny and Rebecca. Tawny had an important part, it's the one every family remember. Then Rebecca, the drugs in her system weren't the same as the others, it was…" He stops to find the right paper "Halothane. When the other had Novocaine. Then there's trace of recent sex and we had a semen sample… still don't have the results though. Anyway this could be either irrelevant or it could mean that the killer is escalating." He stops and thinks a bit "Oh and of all the victims she was the only one pregnant, five months according to Doc."

Gee that's nasty.

I nod has the gear starts to turn in my head taking everything in, picturing the different scenes in all their details. "Except the semen sample what do you have?" I ask after a moment.

"Zilch."

"Okay. So let's go through it again." I sigh and take a look at the notes on the different files "The killer knows them, which explains the word 'sinner'. Then it also explain the absence of defensive wounds, or forced entry. He knows them very well, because he had to know when to strike and where. Most of those girls were leaving with their families so he had to plan everything. He probably stalked them. That or he's a close friend so he just had to ask for a moment in private." I theorize aloud.

"We thought so, but no one saw anything out of ordinary. So if he did stalk them he was careful."

"Ok so what about the victims? They're connected, no doubt about that. The question is how? I mean, how did they met, where, when?"

"That's the core of the problem." Greg says jaded "Except their past and their tattoos they have nothing in common. They were in different schools for those who were still in school, they had different jobs, they lived in different sides of the city. There's no way they could have met in ordinary circumstances."

"What about a party? That's possible."

"I thought about that already. But can you picture this 'Hi my name is Joan can you get me a coke? Oh by the way I've been raped'...'No way, me too'...'cool we should hang around sometimes' " Greg says taking different voices. He sighs shaking his head "It's just not right. I mean, I'm sure that their past experience is what drew them together in the first place. Knowing what we know about their character they chose each other because of that. Because each one of them needed someone who could really understand them." He's rambling but I let him. I put him on the tracks now he just has to follow the lead.

He hides his face in his hands. "They've been raped. It's not something you bring up in any conversations. I mean they didn't know each other. I mean, where on Earth would you possibly say this kind of stuff to total stra…" He stops in the middle of his rambling, and I can literally see the proverbial bulb lighting itself up.

"Greg?"

"Shh…" He hushes me with one finger in the air. I know what he's thinking about. I know it exactly as I'm thinking the same thing: group therapy. "Eureka." He exclaims.

I like this moment. The moment where light come back in the darkness where we lost ourselves, showing us the answer we've been looking for. It's such a rush. Adrenaline kicks in, as well as excitement. Looking at Greg it's like life was coming back into him. He suddenly turns to me, there's a sparkle in his eyes and a smile on his lips.

"You're a genius." He says before catching me off guard cupping my face and kissing me cheek with energy. He pulls back and his smile is even bigger than two seconds ago "I love you so very very much." He says happily. Then his action registers in his head and I feel like he's about to apologize for his excess of enthusiasm.

"Don't worry about it." I tell him with a smirk.

"I love you." He repeats standing up to leave. "I owe you big time." He walks to the door and leaves almost jumping with excitement, I chuckle and shake my head turning toward the screen to get our empty cups. Then he returns. "Oh and Cath." He waits for me to look at him before going on "Thank you." He says soberly. I know he's not thanking me only for the case.

"Anytime." I answer honestly. We look at each other for a brief moment both smiling softly.

"I got to go."

"Yeah see you later." I reply with a wink. I can't help but feel a little warm inside now that every cloud seems to be out of the way.

My boy is back in the game, yay!

xxxxx

Someone barges into my office and startles me. What the hell? I lift my head up and find a really agitated Nick. Whatever I'm about to ask dies on my lips as he speaks first. "Did you turn off your phone?" He asks urgently.

"No, why?" I check my cell and I see that it's not working "Damn it! My battery's dead."

"They've been trying to reach you for about an hour now." He says handing me his phone. "I'll be waiting for you outside." He says and leaves like that.

"What?" I exclaim but he's already gone. What the hell is going on? And who's 'they'? I look at the phone and realize that the communication is engaged. "Willows." I say to the phone.

"_Cath…hum…. Catherine."_

I drop my pen when I hear the voice on the other side of the receiver. "Sara?" I whisper.

"_Yeah. It's me_" pause _"Listen, I need you to stay calm."_

"What?" I've haven't spoken to her in almost two months and her first phone call doesn't make any sense which ends up pissing me off right away.

"_I need you to stay calm and listen to me_." She repeats.

"What the hell…" I start but she doesn't let me finish.

"_It's Lindsey_." She states calmly. That gets my immediate and undivided attention. It also raises a wave of panic in the pit of my stomach. _"She had a little accident."_ my breath gets stolen from my lungs and I feel instantly nauseous. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod…..

"What? Oh my god, my baby! What happened? Where is she? Wh..." I start to ramble a

"_She's fine. Cath calm down, she is fine. I'm with her right now. She's fine I swear. Now calm down a go find Nick. He's waiting for you. I asked him to take you to the Desert Palm quickly... I didn't think it was safe for you to drive on your own… Anyway, Lindsey is fine and we're waiting for you at the hospital._" Sara says calmly.

"Okay, okay. Tell her I love her and that mommy is on her way." I say almost in the verge of tears. I'm already running to the parking lot and get there in record time. Nick is in his car waiting for me; as soon as I get in he starts to drive.

He doesn't say anything just drive as fast as he can without breaking the limits. He doesn't say anything but he keeps looking my way every two seconds. At a stop light he grabs my hand but still doesn't break the silence, just gives me a soft smile and a reassuring look. I welcome the contact and squeeze his hand back briefly before he lets go to grab the wheel again. I'm glad he doesn't say anything right now because I'm not in state to answer to anything.

My mind is spinning with questions. Why Sara had been call? Sara said Lindsey was fine but she did say that she was hurt I wonder how bad. I wonder what happened. I wonder if my baby was scared, I hate the idea of her going through anything without me on her side.

I can feel myself shaking and I know I won't feel better until I see my baby safe and sound. He stops right at the entrance of the Desert Palm I don't wait before leaving the car. Then I stop and turn to thank him but he stops me from saying anything. "Just go, don't worry about it ok? I'll see you later." I nod and run in the building.

I reach the reception desk and talk frantically to a startled nurse "Hi, my daughter's in here, Lindsey Willows, where can I…"

"Ms Willows!" I turn around and recognize one of Lindsey's teacher Mr. Finley. I walk to him, throwing a quick 'thanks' to the nurse. "I'm glad you're here. We've been trying to reach you but your phone wouldn't answer. So Lindsey called one of your co-worker and friend Miss Sidle." I just nod as he walk me to my daughter. Now everything make sense. Of course they know Sara, she had to introduced herself to pick up Lindsey when we were working by our schedule.

"What happened? Is she alright?" I say breathlessly. My heart is beating so fast I feel like I've been running a marathon.

"We were rehearsing a fire exercise and she fell downstairs hitting the handrail and the wall on her way down." Oh God. We turn in a corner and he stops in front of a door "Now I'm warning you it looks bad but it's more impressive than anything else."

I'm looking through the window of the door and I'm met with a vision of horror. My daughter is covered with blood, the left arch of her eyebrow is bleeding openly and there's an ugly bruise on her temple; her upper lips seems a bit swollen and there's a tiny spot of blood there too. Oh my god. Ok breathe deep and calm down. She need reassurance and I can't do that if I'm freaking out.

She seems calm though. Sara is sitting next to her and holding her hand they seem engrossed in a conversation. I take a deep breath and open the door slowly.

"… and the way he's describing the different scents is so complete…" Sara's saying

"Yeah you can actually smell the things, it's incredible I just…" Lindsey starts to say with enthusiasm. She stops herself in mid sentence when she sees me in "Mom!"

"Hey baby, I'm sorry I wasn't there sooner my battery died, I'm so sorry." I say advancing toward her. I quickly glance at Sara before reverting my attention to Lindsey. Sara lets go of Lindsey's hand and stands, giving me some space to hug my daughter tightly.

"Mom I still need oxygen." Lindsey says eventually when I refuse to let go.

Once my fear settles down a bit I pull back no letting go of her "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm ok. I ruined my shirt though... and yours now." She says sheepishly.

"I don't care about the shirts."

"You're Lindsey's mother I presume?" A male voice says softly. I turn around and find a familiar young male dressed like a doctor in the room, no trace of Sara though. "I'm Doctor Donovan." Ah that's right I met him when Sara was shot.

"I remember you." I say and he smiles.

"Lindsey, we're going to have to put some stitches on you eyebrow." He says directly to my daughter.

"Does this mean I'll have a scar?" She asks with a funny face.

Dr Donovan winces a bit "I'm afraid so." He says looking at her in the eyes "But don't worry you'll still be gorgeous." He smiles softly.

Lindsey blushes a bit with a grin. I smiles softly glad that he's good with children. I sit where Sara was minutes before and take Lindsey's hand with both of mines. A nurse approaches a trailer with products and tools on it. Dr Donovan thanks her and she leaves the room. He puts some gloves on and starts to speak again.

"Ok, so here's the needle and here's the thread. I'm going to be as gentle as possible but if it hurts you can kick me in the shins." Lindsey giggles and nods. "Now I want you to close your left eye so I can clean your wound first." He takes some cotton and put some alcohol on it "It's going to sting a bit." Lindsey clenches my hand a bit and I can see her jaw tensing.

"So I understood you were a reader." He states as he proceeds to take care of my baby's wound.

"Yeah." Lindsey says a bit tense.

"What are you reading now?" Donovan keeps talking trying to divert Lindsey attention. He's good. His hands are gentle and precise at the same time.

"_The perfume_ by Süskind."

"I liked this one although the beginning of the second part was a bit boring in my opinion."

"I agree, it kind of slow the things down but on the other hand I think it's an important part."

"I know, still it was boring." He repeats and Lindsey giggles. She's relaxed and doesn't think about the hurt anymore. He's really good. "What's your favorite book?"

"Frankenstein." Lindsey replies happily.

"Yeah this one is nice. Did you know that Mary Shelley was seventeen when she wrote it?"

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Wow, she was young."

"Yes she was." He says as he finishes cleaning the wound and starts to sterilize the needle. "You can open your eye if you want." Lindsey does and watch him preparing the thread.

"What's your favorite book?" She asks curious.

"Well that's an easy one. My favorite book is _Letters to a young poet_ by Rainer Maria Rilke."

"I never heard of him."

"I think you're a bit young to know him." He chuckles. "But you would probably like it." He adds

"What is it about?" Linds asks curious.

"Well, there's a soldier who wants to be poet so he writes to Rilke to ask him how to become a poet. And Rilke tells him that if poetry is the only thing he can think about night and day then he's a poet... or something like that. I'm terrible at telliing stories, you should read it." Donovan chuckles "Ok we're done." He says with a large grin.

"Seriously?" Linds asks surprised.

"Yep."

"But I didn't feel anything!"

"Glad to hear it. Now I'm going to let nurse Wright banding you wrist and I'll be back in a few minutes, ok?" He says standing as the said nurse comes back into the room.

Lindsey left wrist is wrapped tightly in bandages and as he promised Dr Donovan comes back. "So here's the prescription for the painkillers and the balm for her wrist." He says to me then looks at Lindsey "Now Lindsey I want you to be careful with your wrist, don't use it too much and if it still hurts after a week come back to see me. As for your stitches, clean the wound in the morning and before you go to bed."

"Oki doki." She jokes.

He put one of his hands in his pocket and produces a book from it "And… here's for you."

Lindsey reads the title and then looks a bit uncertain "I can't take it… I mean, it's your favorite book."

"Don't worry about it, I have other copies at home. I put my e-mail on it so you can give me your opinion about it when you finish it."

"I will." She beams taking the book.

"Alright so I see you in three weeks or so to take the stitches off." He extends his hand to her and winks "It was nice to met you." Lindsey shakes his hand and then he extends his hand to me. "Ms Willows."

"Thank you Doc." I say shaking his hand.

"Just doing my job." He grins. "Take care of yourself young lady." And with that he leaves.

We get outside of the room and I spot Sara waiting on a chair. She stands as she sees us. "Uh… Since you don't have your car I thought I'd take you home." She offers hesitantly. I just nod in answer.

xxxxx

We got home and Linds went straight to bed. I offered Sara to stay for a coffee so now we're in the kitchen not saying anything and as I'm about to make the coffee. It's awkward to say the least, how could it not be? I mean, how can one erase weeks of silence and ignorance?

"Thanks for being there." I finally say. I think about that stupid phone and can't help but wondering what if it had been worse. Those thoughts brings a new wave of anguish and I can feel myself about to cry. Sara is in front of me on seconds.

"Hey there." She lifts her hand tentatively to my shoulder. The mere contact sends shiver to my spine and my heartbeat starts to race. It only increases my shaking. I look at her and I can see that she doesn't know if she should cross the line or not. In the end she decides to cross it and takes me in her arms, hugging me tightly. I let go and break down a bit, letting my tears run free. "She's fine Cath, she's fine."

After a moment, when I'm calm again she pulls away not entirely breaking the contact. She caresses one of cheek softly and looks at me straight in the eyes. God I missed those eyes. Just looking at her right now takes my breath away.

"You should get some rest. It's been a long day." She says gently not breaking the eye contact.

"Stay with me." I ask suddenly. She takes a deep breath and is about to protest but I don't give her the chance "Please." I don't want her to go.

"Ok." She finally says. I take her hand and entwine our fingers before leading her to the bedroom.

We don't change our clothes, we just climb into bed silently. I lean in her arms and she holds me tight against her. God I missed this. I missed being there in her arms, I missed being close to her, I missed the smell of her skin and the touch of her hair. I missed her. I feel alive again. I feel home again.

xxxxx

I wake up still in Sara's arms and almost on its own accord my body shifts closer to her if that's possible. I start to kiss her neck out of habit and make my way on her jaw line. When I look at her, she's awake as well and her hand comes to lose itself in my hair. We look at each other intently knowing what's coming. The next second our lips are connected and we start to kiss slowly and deeply. Our hands start to remember this old dance again.

I start to get lost in the kiss, but suddenly she pulls back. She pushes me away gently and sits on the edge of the bed. "This is wrong. We shouldn't." she starts panting slightly. I know she's right but somewhere, her rejection hurts me. I sit next to her and she turns to face me. "I'm sorry. I want this too. I want things to be right again, but I know that this is not the solution." She says referring to the kiss and what was obviously going to happen. "I mean, nothing has changed and the issues are still there. And I'm still not ready to make things right, although I'm on my way there."

I know she's doing the right thing. I know she's right but it hurts so much. "I know. It's just that… I miss you so much." I confess through my tears. She laughs a bit.

"I miss you too. Believe me I do. I feel like an empty shell without you. I'm as good as dead. But this isn't the right thing to do." She says crying too.

"I know." I say nodding.

"I better go." She says standing. I stand as well and walk her to the door. She passes a hand over her face to wash away the tears. And then turns to me. She wants to say something but nothing comes out.

"Thanks." I say.

"Anytime."

She turns to leave and opens the door. But then she turns to me again and kisses me thoroughly. Then she pulls back and looks at me before leaving for good.

I lean my head against the door. I'm dying all over again.

I need her back. There's no doubt left in my head and heart about that now.

* * *

**So close yet so far... the journey is still not over yet...**


	61. Chapter 61

**Chapter 61: Sara**

As I drive to work, my mind is still with Catherine. I left her two hours ago, I went to my apartment change myself and went to work. My lips are still burning from our kiss. Boy do I miss her. I think it's even harder now. To have a taste of what I want and need so much just to have it taken away again. I know I did the right thing but I also know that my heart has just been broken again.

We need to sort things out because I won't survive this life without her. Or Cake for that matter. Gee, when she called me to say she had an accident I panicked like never before. And when I saw her I was about to have a heart attack, I mean there was so much blood! She wasn't really happy to see me, but still a bit relief I think. It wasn't easy but we've started talking to each other again.

I need my family back. Yes family, because that's how I see Cake and Cath. I mean they gave me a home full of love, that's what a family is all about right?

I really need to sort things out.

xxxxx

I arrive at work and the first person I run into is Grissom. Lucky me. This shift is already promising…

"Grissom, hi." I say casually.

"Hi, Sara." He says passing me without adding a thing. Maybe I've been premature about my luck. "Oh Sara." He calls me back. I turn to him and he stares at me for a bit "I've got my eyes on you." He warns me, it was too good to be true. I think I mingled prophetic and premature.

I don't answer anything, just nod to let him know that I'll behave myself.

I go to the locker room to prepare myself. First of all I owe an apology to Greg, then I have to salvage what's left of our friendship. I chase him in the lab and find him in a recluse room reading some papers. I cough lightly to get his attention. He looks at me and anger settles into his eyes immediately. Be brave Sara, there's nothing here you don't deserve.

"Hey." I say. I have to start somewhere right? He doesn't answer though he just reverts his attention to his papers. I take a deep breath and decide to sit next to him. He keeps on ignoring me. I look at him and just realize how exhausted he looks. "Did you get some rest?"

"Why? You care?" He snorts bitterly "I thought it wasn't about me being tired? Well you see I took your advice, I've decided to start working on this case and to wear myself out over it." He says looking at me angrily.

"I was out of line." Another deep breath "I'm sorry, I truly am. If there was any way to take back those words I would do it but there isn't. I'm sorry Greg." I sigh trying to steady my nerves. He doesn't look at me right now and it hurts to know that I don't deserve better than his ignorance. "Can you please look at me?" He doesn't comply and I feel the lump in my throat growing. "Please."

He stays still for a moment but then gives in and looks at me. There's hurt in his eyes. I swallow my shame and speak again "I know you're working yourself out on this case as much as I do, I know I messed up by missing the evidence and it frustrated me to no end but I just didn't want to admit I did wrong."

"And here I was some convenient punching bag. Gees, now I feel better." He snorts.

"I was a class A bitch doubled with a jackass and I'm sorry." I add. "Your important to me Greg, our friendship is important to me. I care about you." I place my hand over his. "I love you Greg and I know I hurt you. I'm begging for your forgiveness. I'll get on my knees if I have to." Sometime you have to forget about your pride. And resign yourself to be humble and do whatever it takes to salvage the precious things you possess.

He looks at me intently, then his lays his eyes on our hands. He finally squeezes my hand back and I let go the breath I was holding. He turns to me again "I was out of line too." He pauses. "I shouldn't have said those things to you either, even though you deserved a good ass kicking. I'm sorry." I smiles weakly "I tell you, since we're even, I forgive you if you forgive me as well."

I take him in my arms instinctively and hold him tight "Your forgiven." I whisper. He holds me back and I feel a weight leaving my chest.

"I love you too." He says after a moment. I close my eyes at this. He kisses me on the cheek and then pulls away from me. He looks at me again with a serious face "Let's not fight like this again, it really gets to me." He asks and I just nod.

"Yeah me too."

He takes a deep breath and break the eye contact. "So I've been working while you weren't there and thanks to Catherine I might be onto something."

"Catherine?" What the hell?

"Yeah, she forced me to have a new point of view and think about the case more thoroughly." He says with a light grin. "Anyway. Let's do this together. Supposed you have a friend who's an alcoholic, you've done everything you could to help him but it doesn't work so what do you advise him?"

Easy one. I had a friend – namely a certain Jim Brass – who gave me the said advice. I wonder if Greg knows how close he hit from home. "I'd advise him to go to a meeting."

"Now supposed you're Joan, or one of the other girls."

I start to shake my head narrowing my eyes in confusion, not seeing the connection "I don't…" Two seconds, that's what it took for my brain to react. "Bloody Hell!"

"Yeah." Greg says nodding eagerly.

"A group therapy! Why didn't we think of this before?"

"I know, it was right in front of us and we missed this! And I know why. Joan and Jessie had a personal shrink so we rule the therapy as a difference and irrelevant detail because not common with the others."

"Exactly. Ok now we have no time to waste. We have to find how many groups there are, when and where."

"Twenty two." Greg says beaming lifting the sheet of paper he was reading earlier. "And I crossed all the information we had on the victims concerning their whereabouts. And guess what? I narrowed the list to only five groups."

A feral grin gets itself onto my lips. "You're brilliant, did you know that?"

"I do my best." Greg jokes back. "Ready for a little trip?"

"Hell yes." And with that we leave the lab.

I feel like a predator. I can feel the rush of adrenaline pumping through my vein, making my body sting from inside with great anticipation.

And the hunt shall begin…

xxxxx

Greg and I have managed to find the therapist from each group and luck is on our side since we finally find the right one. We talk with Ms Flemming – the therapist, she explains us that Joan and co were really close from one another; that if it wasn't for their different body they were like one and same single being.

With our new information we have to look for Adam Davenport. The last member of the group still alive. One question remains though: are we looking for a victim or a murderer?

We have an address which the best thing we ever had on this case. But it appears to be a dead end. It's one of his brothers' house and the brother – who looked like a trustful person swore he hadn't seen him in weeks.

When we get back at the lab the results from our latest test aren't back yet. Just our luck, when we need it the most the lab is backlogged.

Well let's keep our mind on the bright side we're moving forward at last.

xxxxx

"Sidle." I say and then listen to the person on the other hand of the phone. "I'll be right there." I say before hanging up.

"What's going on?" Greg asks

"Someone's waiting for me at the reception. I'll be back." I say before leaving for the reception desk.

When I arrived at my destination I'm surprised by the sight greeting me. "Dan?"

"Hey Ms Sidle." He says shyly.

I shake his extended hand gently but firmly "May I help you?"

"Actually, I though I could help you." He says rubbing his hair "You know the guy from the group you asked me questions about?… Adam? He came back yesterday to get tattooed again. He was alone this time."

Lady Luck came back to our side after all.

"Anyway that's when I remember that he didn't have the same tattoo as the girls on his back. Well he has the wings but his crying angel is a bit different. Wait… here… I took some pictures, I always do that with my work. I got you some copies." He says handing me the pictures. "Here's his 'angel' and there's the one I made for him yesterday."

I'll be damned.

"Thank you very much Dan."

"You're welcome. I hope it'll help you somehow."

"Oh it does, trust me." I say my eyes still glue on the pictures. I look at him again and smile genuinely "Thank you very much you just give us a precious help." I say shaking his hand.

"Glad to hear it." He says blushing. "Well, I'll let you get back to work then."

"Right, thanks again" I repeat again excited by the new evidence.

"No problemo."

I turn and start to walk to find Greg again but stop on my tracks and call Dan back. "Dan!" He turns around. I hesitate a moment and then decide to just go with it "Say 'hi' to Robin for me."

Dan chuckles amused "I will." He says with a wink. And with that he leaves.

I almost run toward the lab where I left Greg. When I barge in he looks at me confuse I don't let him say anything though. I hand him the pictures "I think I have the answer we were looking for."

The first picture represents the 'angel' on Adam's back – if you can call it that way. He's crying too but unlike the others he's holding a scythe – I don't think any explanations are needed to find the meaning of the symbol here. Then the second tattoo, the recent one is the word 'sinner' the police makes think that the letters had been stabbed on his lower back – logical emplacement since he's a man, and that the said letters were bleeding.

"We're looking for a murderer." Greg simply states once he gets over his shock.

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**And that's it for today...**

**Thanks for reading ;)**


	62. Chapter 62

**Ok, here's more. I'd like to apologise for this chapter but most of my ideas are for Sara's point of view now, and since I can't - and don't want to - break the pattern I've settled - one chapter Sara, one chapter Cath and so on, and the fact tha I didn't want to repeat myself - I mean, she misses Sara that's settled, she's suffering that's settled as well... I had to write something even if it was about nothing. So here goes nothing and I do mean nothing...**

**Thanks for your reviews, you are a great source of inspiration and motivation! **

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: Maximilliam **you should beware what you're wishing for...last time you made me break them appart ;p

**Sara Lya:** glad to have you back! Hope your exams went well... y'en a qui ont de la chance les miens commencent la semaine prochaine :(

**justicegrl** I'm sorry for cutting my chapters like I do... really... not too much though... :p

**Chione, Immi,** Sara's past will come up in time don't worry...

**goldentail** I aim to please, I'm writting as fast as I can ;)

**ana** pour répondre à ta question Lindsey avait 12 ans et demi au début de l'histoire et je lui ai fais féter son 13ème anniversaire chap 58 ou qelque chose dans le genre...C'est clair que le parfum c'est juste la redécouverte d'un sens...

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**Chapter 62: Catherine**

I can get Sara out of my head. That's not a new but now I can't think of anything else. My lips are still burning from our kiss. I've been thinking about it all night. Maybe I should call her?

Truth is that I want to see Sara, I do. I just don't know how things will go if we have to stay in each other's company for a while, not after our kiss. There are so many things to think about. I know I want to be with her again, but like she said the issues aren't solved so maybe this is a bad idea.

On the other hand to solve the issues we have to talk so maybe it's a good idea that we start taming each other again.

Maybe I could ask her to come for breakfast. Yeah it would be a breakfast to thank her to be there for Lindsey yesterday. That could be a good start. Before chickening out I dial her number.

_"Sidle." _

It takes me a second or two to realize that she has answered her phone. "Sara?" I ask which is stupid, considering that I'm the one to call and I called her cell phone yet it's like I was expecting someone else to answer. Gee, I feel clever now.

I love her voice, well I love everything about her – defaults included, but her voice is labeled under the things about her I love the most. It's in my top five, right between her eyes and her hands. The two last things are too personal to be mentioned.

God did I missed this voice.

_"Cath…erine Catherine, hi." _She stutters.

"Hi." There's a long pause where none of us speak or know what to say. "Cath is fine."

_"What?" _

"You can call me Cath, it's alright." I elaborate.

_"Thanks._ pause _I'm having a hard time calling you Catherine."_

"I figured."

Pause. Ok, now what? Just hearing her voice makes my mind numb. It's my favorite melody ever.

_"Is everything alright?" _She asks breaking the awkward moment

"Yeah."

Pause.

_"Lindsey's alright?" _

"Yeah."

Pause.

_"Are you?" _

"Yeah." Gee am I eloquent today. There's another pause. "You're still at work?"

_"I'm finishing." _

"Ok" pause. Long pause. "I…uh… wanted to know if you'd like to come having breakfast with me and Lindsey." I finally ask, holding my breath.

_"Well… Do you mind?" _

"No, it's… fine." Really convincing Cath. Please say yes.

Pause.

_"Ok, I'll see you hom… I mean at your place then." _

"Ok."

Pause.

_"I think that's the part where we're supposed to hang up." _She states. She's right I know, but like I said, when it comes to Sara I'm like a junkie in need of a fix. So when I get my dose I tend to want it to last.

"Yeah."

Pause.

_"You're not hanging up." _She states.

"Well neither are you." I come back. Seems like she's having the same problem than I do. It's weird really because it's been so long since we've interact with each other that now it seems like there was so much to say yet nothing comes out.

_"True."_

Pause.

_"Hang up the phone."_ She teases me gently.

"Don't tell me what to do!" I reply in fake anger.

_"Alright."_Even if I can't see her I know she's smiling.

Pause.

_"I can hear you breathing." _

"I know, I can hear you too." To smartass, smartass and a half.

Pause.

_"Why aren't you hanging?" _

"Do you want me to?"I ask. I know I don't want to stop hearing her, because somehow I'll convince myself that it's not real for once. Then hearing her makes me so giddy inside, so...alive.

_"I don't know." _pause_ "But that's beside the point." _

"Why aren't you hanging?"

_"Well… You're the one who called." _

"So?"

_"So… I don't want to appear rude." _

Pause.

"That was lame."

_"Well at least I answered." _

"Fair point."

Pause.

_"Why aren't you hanging?" _

"Maybe… I have something else to say?"

_"Oh…" _sigh_ "Ok." _

Pause.

_"Well?" _

"Well what?"

_"Aren't you going to say something else?" _

"Maybe."

Pause.

_"Cath?" _

"Yes?"

_"You said you would say something else." _

"Right." I take a Deep breath. "Something else." I smirk, I'm pretty proud at my joke. "Happy?"

_"Clever. Really clever." _She chuckles.

Pause.

"So you're coming for breakfast?"

_"Yeah." _

"You want to like really want to? Because you don't have to; I mean I don't want you to feel like you had to if you don't want to I'd like you to but if you don't want to then you don't have to at least not if it's only because I'd like you to what I mean is that I want you to want to." Gee I think I don't know what I'm talking about myself. "Does that make any sense to you?"

Nothing.

"Sara?"

_"Wait I'm still ten words behind." _

"Ok."

Still nothing.

"Sara?"

_"I'd really like to." _

"What?" Ok, now I'm lost.

_"What do you mean what?"_ Now she's confused... great.

"You said you'd really like to. I was asking what you'd really like to?"

_"Oh. Well… I think there was a question somewhere behind." _

"Right." Pause. Confusion. Consulting brain. Recognition. "Right. So you'd really like to come for breakfast."

_"Yeah that's it, that's what I meant." _

Pause.

_"I think we're supposed to hang up now."_

"I know."

Pause.

_"Cath?" _

"I know, I know, hanging up." I say, but I really don't want to do that.

Pause.

_"Do you want me to countdown from three?" _

"No, if you do I know I won't hang up."

_"Why?" _

"Too much pressure."

_"Right, I hadn't thought about that."_ She answers with a serious tone.

Pause.

"Alright, you do it."

_"Do what?" _

"Hanging up."

_"Why me?" _

"Why not?"

_"You're the one who called. So that's your part." _

"I know." Deep breath. Pause. "Ok, I'm doing it."

_"Good." _

Pause.

"Alright, I'm hanging up."

_"Ok." _

"I'll see you soon… for the breakfast."

_"Yeah." _

"Ok." Pause. "Bye then."

Pause.

"Ok bye."

_"Cath wait! Don't hang up the phone!"_ She stops me.

"Why?"

_"Hum… Do you want me to bring something?" _

"Bring something?"

_"For the breakfast." _

"Oh yeah the breakfast." Pause. "No, that's ok I got everything."

_"Alright then." _

Pause.

_"You can hang up now." _

"I know."

Pause.

_"I said that you could hang up now." _

"I'm not deaf."

_"Sorry." _

Pause.

_"Cath?" _

"Don't pressure me. I'm getting there."

_"I'm not pressuring you." _

"Yes you are. You know I was about to hang up, you're the one who told me not to. Maybe you should make up your mind first."

_"I did have something to ask." _

Pause.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

_"I'm not sure to understand." _

"You said you had something to ask in a tone that suggested that I hadn't."

_"I didn't mean that." _

"I hope so." Pause. "Because you know, I had something to ask. I had to know if you were coming because you wanted to and not because…"

_"Cath I think I got this one." _

"Anyway I had something to ask."

_"I'm sorry if I offended you." _

"I accept your apology." pause "Don't worry about it."

Pause.

"I'm supposed to hang up now, ain't I?"

_"Yeah." _

Deep breath. "Alright, I'm ready."

_"Ok." _

"Now I'm hanging up."

_"Ok." _

"Bye."

_"Bye." _

"See you soon."

_"Yeah." _

"Bye." Pause. "I'm hanging up for real."

_"I know. See you soon." _

"Stop talking, you're disturbing me."

_"Sorry." _

"Ok, bye. See you soon."

Nothing.

"I said bye."

_"I know but you asked me not to talk." _

"Right."

Pause.

_"Bye Cath." _

"Bye Sara, see you later." I say before hanging up.

Well it wasn't that hard now was it?


	63. Chapter 63

**Chapter 63: Sara**

After having had the weirdest call of the history with Catherine, I had a breakfast at her place. It was nice. It really was, it was odd as well but mostly it was nice. It was a first step in the good direction I guess.

It was odd because after yesterday's kiss it was hard to control my body and trying not to be close from her. Because as good as it is it's painful at the same time.But she was also having a hard time at this. So we ended up to be always connected by a physical touch, her hand on mine, me putting back one of her lock in place, my body brushing hers whenerver I moved...

Each touch made me burn from inside. I have her under my skin.

xxxxx

" 'I swear I didn't know it could be dangerous!' Gees… can you believe the guy?" Greg says mimicking the perp we've just talked to. As we walk to the reception desk where we've been called two minutes ago.

"Tell me about it."

I stop dead on my tracks. Bloody hell.

A young man raises from his chair and looks at us with a neutral expression. He has short dark hair and grey-blue eyes. He's about six foot tall, lanky, but you can see his muscles through his shirt.

Greg is as surprised as I am and neither of us speak as we reach our visitor. "My brother said you were looking for me. Here I am." He says with a steady voice. "Pardon my rudeness." He says after a moment with the ghost of a grin. "I'm Adam Davenport."

Adam. The Adam we're looking for, the one we suspect to have killed five persons. The last 'fallen angel'.

xxxxx

I'm on the observation room with Grissom watching Adam through the two way mirror. I'm waiting for Brass and Greg to join me so we can start the interview.

"So you found him." He says.

"Actually he came to us."

"Interesting."

"I'd say."

"Good job Sara."

"It isn't over yet so let's keep the praises for later." I brush off his compliment.

"Sara?" Greg calls from the door. "We're ready."

"Ok, let's go."

"Do you mind if I watch?" Grissom asks.

"You're the boss." I say flatly. I won't lie lately, Grissom has been on my shit list lately. And though I know he was being mature and really taking care of me, the pill is rather bitter to swallow.

"Sara." He calls me so I turn to him. "Do you mind?"

"No." And with that I leave.

Greg, Brass and I enter the room. We take our positions in silence. Adam watches us, calm, serene, not a bit nervous. I really look at him for the first time and that's when I realize that he looks familiar to me. At first I thought I was imagining it all but now I'm sure. He looks at me intently and it's like he was reading my thoughts because he smiles subtly and says "Don't worry, it will come back to you."

"State your identity." Brass asks.

"Adam Rory Davenport."

"Before we start we need to read you your rights." Brass says as he starts to do so. All the while Adam keeps looking at me. "Do you understand?"

"Yes sir." Adam says.

"Do you want a lawyer?" Brass keeps up with the formalities.

"No thanks, he won't be useful. Not unless he can erase what I did." Adam answers.

"And what did you do Adam?" Greg asks with a grave voice.

"Now, now, don't be too rush we have all the time in the world." Adam says to Greg before returning his gaze to me.

"Do you know those girls?" Greg asks showing him the pictures of the victims.

Adam barely watches the pictures "I could lie and say no, but you already know that I do."

"When did you see them for the last time?" Greg continues.

"Before they died."

"Be more specific."

"On the day they died." Adam doesn't seem to care of anything. "You already know that too."

"Why did you kill them?" Greg decides to go straight for the kill.

"I didn't kill anybody."

"Really?" Greg enquires.

"Yes, really."

"Well you saw them and somewhere along the way they ended up dead."

"I didn't kill anybody." Adam repeats coldly.

"What did you do then?" Greg asks a bit exasperate.

"I helped them."

"Let me guess you helped them to die." Brass says with sarcasm. Adam doesn't answer for the first time. He looks straight at me and I know that Brass put the finger on the right spot with his last statement.

Silence falls into the room for a minute or two. "Sara, do you mind if I smoke?" Adam asks nonchalantly. Something's off. That's when I realize that I haven't introduce myself to him and I didn't let my first name to his brother the other day.

"You can't smoke here." Brass says from his spot.

"Pity." Adams sighs.

"You're a cadet." I suddenly say.

Adam chuckles "Told you, it would come back to you. Well done." He says with a wink.

"That's why you knew what we would be looking for, and how to hide your traces." I keep on my tracks.

"If you want to destroy a system, know it first." Adam says with a smug smile.

I look at Greg and silently let him know that I'm taking control of the interview from now on.

"Why did you kill them Adam?" I ask. He looks at me intently before answering.

"I didn't kill anybody."

I'm already fed up with his answers. I didn't have much patience coming in here but now it's official, I'm running out of it. I decide to push his buttons since it's apparently what he's expecting from me.

"Now you sound like a broken record." I say with despise. "Adam, this is how I see things. You stabbed your friend to death. It might be the definition of 'help' to you but for us it's called murder." My tone is sharp and full of venom.

Adam shows emotion for the first time: anger, pure anger. But then it's replace by something else something more controlled. I feel like the devil in him was coming out to play. "Don't use that condescending tone when you speak to me." He says between his teeth. "Just because you're on the other side of this table doesn't mean you're actually better than me."

"I'm far from being perfect but I didn't kill five persons which in itself makes me a better person than you." I reply.

He laughs. "I'll tell you a secret." He says bending toward me "You're just like me. Like us."

"I'm nothing alike you."

"That's a lie and you know it."

"You're a murderer. I'm not."

He leans back on his chair and doesn't say anything for a moment, he just keeps on looking at me. "I was still in the house." He pauses and continues as he's met with nothing but confusion. "When you came for Joan. I was still on the house." He chuckles "What a stroke of luck in the end. Of all people, it had to be you."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" I asks curious.

"You know the answer to that." He pauses and smile "You know us, you understand us, you're just like us." He stares at me for a long moment "They didn't fight, they wanted it."

"What did they want?" I enquire.

"Peace of mind." He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "We tried to get over it. And sometimes we succeed to do it. Honestly, I'm surprised and amazed you went so far into life with this still in your system."

I don't like the sound of that "I don't know what you're talking about." I try to deny.

He looks at me like he was seeing through me. He narrows his eyes and tilts his head "Do you really want to discuss your father now?"

Ten words. Ten lethal words. He knows. How come he knows? My breath gets stuck in my throat and I can feel colors leaving my face. I close my eyes and breathe to get some composure back.

He chuckles "Amazing the information one can find once they know how to use a computer." He adds with a smile.

That son of a…

I can feel rage invading me once I get over my shock. I can feel Brass and Greg's stares burning holes in my head, wondering what Adam knows that they don't. Well, if Adam wants to play, I'm gamed.

"So it's all about being a victim here, is that it? 'Poor little me. Can't you see what I've been through?' " I say in a fake whine "I'm sorry to tell you that but a thousand people live worst than what you've been through every new minute. And they don't necessarily kill people."

"I didn't…"

"Yeah you didn't kill anybody you just 'helped' them. I think we all got this part all right." I cut him off vehemently. "Whatever word you use to label what you did won't make the difference they're dead! Dead! Do you get that?!"

Adam's cold stare sends chills through me but I'll stand my ground. He doesn't seem to care much though. "Don't be condescending." He says again. This time it sounds like a threat.

"Adam, you've decided to play God and killed the one you claim to be your friends! Take your responsibilities! You are a murderer!" I spit. One look at him and I know I've made a mistake, crossed the line, pushed him too far...

Adam's glare get colder than before. I can feel all his rage oozing from him. But even now he keeps his composure. He leans toward me again his smile never leaving his lips "Did you enjoy watching it?" He asks suddenly "Did you wish you were doing it instead of her?" My heartbeat increases as I realize what he's talking about. Fuck.

I want to answer, to tell him to shut up but I can't seem to find my voice.

"Come on Sara tell me." He waits for me to answer but I stay mute. "She had some guts didn't she?" He puts his elbows on the table and rests his chin on his hands, not leaving my eyes all the time. "So tell me Sara, come on." He looks around at Greg then Brass. Then he gets back to me "What? You want me to elaborate? Fine." He shrugs. He waits a second and then continues "When your mother stabbed your father did you enjoy watching it? Did you wish it was you stabbing him instead of her?"

I can feel nausea as the forbidden memories start to make their way back on my mind out of their hidden place. I clench my teeth but my lips are trembling and I know that I must be heaving by know. I'm enraged and God only knows what I'm capable of. Adam's smile falters and is replaced with a cold expression.

"What? You don't have anything to say? You were yapping two minutes ago and now you can't even say a word?" He's the one being condescending now. "Tell me Sara, how many more beating sessions would you have endured before killing him yourself? Hum? How many times did you wish he was dead? How many times did you dream about killing him?" He pauses "Too many times to count isn't it?" His eyes are burning with anger "Now tell me Sara where would you go when he beat the crap out of you? Where did your mind would go while your body would take it all? Do you remember it? This place where everything would be ok and nothing would touch you?"

His anger seems to fade away and now it's like I was looking at my reflection.

"That's where Joan wanted to be. She tried to hold on and move on with her life but it wouldn't work. She tried to go by herself but every time we were there to catch her. Only she couldn't take it anymore. So she decided what she wanted. And if she'd go then each one of us would because our hearts were all beating as one. Then there was the question of Becky and I's baby. Sparing him from the pain or giving him a chance to taste this shitty world. Not the toughest choice to do I must say." He stops gets lost in thought and then starts again. "Joan and Connie were lovers, Jessie and Tawny were like sisters and Becky was my lover. But the fact is that we were all connected as one. We all died with Joan." He sighs "I guess that from your point of view you can say that I killed them. But trust me it took a lot of love to do what I did."

I can feel rage burning my being, it's like acid was running through my veins. Adam knows what's he's doing to me. He has the upper hand here since he exposed me. But he doesn't know what the hell he has just unleashed... My wrath is unforgiving...

"That's how you make yourself feel better?" I ask finding my voice again.My tone is cold and scronful. He's surprise by my come back but seems to enjoy it "Telling you that what you did was a display of love?" I chuckle bitterly "That was a nice speech, really. But all I can see is that now they're dead while you're still alive."

"That's because I still have a few things to say." He waits a moment then starts to undo the first buttons of his shirt "No matter how hard you deny it you're just like me, like us. You're fun." He says tracing the 'f.u.n.' tattoo on his chest. "You're a fake, because you're pretending to be someone you're not, a tough, perfect and oh so clean person. You're ugly, just like us, but that's our dirty little secret. You're nobody, nothing." He stares at me and he knows he has struck my weakness. He knows me, like he said I'm like him, like them. "Does that sound familiar to you?"

I don't answer. There's nothing to say. He's right. He knows exactly what his words are doing to me and for a moment my pain is reflecting in his eyes. I want to puke right now. I want to yell, or hit a wall. But I just keep on watching him, feeling numb.

He leans back in his chair and outs one of his hand on his pocket. He draws back a set of keys. "Captain." He calls Brass without leaving my gaze. He throws the keys at Jim "Those are the keys of my house. There you'll find everything you've been looking for. Be my guest."

Jim takes the keys and gets out of the room to send some men over the new place I supposed.

Adam leans toward me again. "I've got a secret for you." He smiles sweetly now, except that the look on his eyes his creepy. In a split second I know that's something is wrong. I can feel a rush of adrenaline being pumped into my system.

I feel trapped.

When I realize that though, it's already too late. His fake smile fades away instantly.

"It ain't over yet." He says before jumping toward me and Greg. Fists fly everywhere, voice mingle in the air, the table is thrown out of the way as well as the chairs and the next thing I know I'm on the floor, Greg is standing not far away aiming his gun at Adam.

Adam? Well Adam is straddling me aiming a gun at my head.

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**What the hell is going on here???? Oh my god... I don't know myself!...-evil laugh XD-...Well, well, you'll have to wait before finding out because My exams start this week...so no update very soon... sorry (well not really but it's for the form...lol... just kidding)**

**Thanks for reading ;) (feel free to send me flames...)**


	64. Chapter 64

**Ok, so I made a deal with the devil... hum, I mean scubysnak ;) , and so here am I with a new update earlier than planned... anyway... Thanks for your reviews :)**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: Z** when you say tough, you mean 'why is Sara always the one to be in danger?' because if this is your question I have to admit that I don't have an answer to that. Well...generally speaking I put action when I was running out of imagination for the plot when I wanted to bring the characters somewhere. Now this time it's because it's Sara's case but other than that I really don't know...Now if you mean tough in the relationship, I think that in that case that Cath has been carrying their relationship on her shoulders for a big part of the story so... But it's a good question. If you get the chance send me an e-mail because I'd really like to have your point of view on the matter ;)

**Chione, AverageJoe, **glad to know that I haven't made a total ass of myself ;)

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**Chapter 64: Catherine**

Where's the oxygen? Where did it go? I can't breathe. My lungs are burning. I'm sure that my chest is moving but nothing seems to come in. My head is spinning.

Wait let's get back thirty minutes earlier.

xxxxx

I was having a quiet nice shift. I had received flowers from Greg with a card that said _'To the gorgeous, sexy and wit Catherine Willows: Thank you very much. Your devoted Greg Sanders'_ – had it not come from Greg I would have been pissed at the adjectives but from him it was his trade mark so it made me smile. I was on my way to see Grissom when Mia stopped me and gave me some results for Sara, saying that 'The angel had been killed by the father'. It didn't make much sense to me but I agree to pass the message. I found Grissom in the observation room watching Sara questioning a suspect.

"Do you mind if I disturb you a minute." I asked him.

"Catherine, hi. No go ahead." He said acknowledging me quickly and then returned his gaze on the interrogation room. I was about to ask him who was the suspect but as always he red my mind and answered me first "His name's Adam Davenport. He's the primary suspect on the 'fallen angel' case."

"They caught him?"

"No actually he came to them." He said never leaving the two ways mirror.

I looked at the suspect for a moment and somehow I felt like I had seen him before. "Isn't he a cadet?"

"Yes he is."

"I thought his face was familiar. No wonder he didn't left traces behind." I watched the interrogation room for a moment "How is it going?" I asked speaking of Sara's questioning.

"So far so good." He turned his head to me and looked at me "You wanted something?"

"Yes, actually I did." I paused remembering the results in my hands "But before I forget, Mia gave me this for Sara. She said and I quote 'The angel had been killed by the father', I supposed Sara knows what to do with this."

"I don't think they will need this inside. Adam doesn't deny anything, nor hide anything. So no need to disturb them."

"Ok. The reason I was looking for you was that we found bugs on our dead body and you know how much I love those creepy crawlers." I said lightly. He chuckled and took the file I handed him. He glanced at it.

**"**Now you sound like a broken record.**"** Sara's sharp voice filled the room getting our attention. **"**Adam, this is how I see things. You stabbed your friend to death. It might be the definition of 'help' to you but for us it's called murder.**"**

Adam didn't appreciate the comment. Somehow he tried to get to Sara, repeating that they were alike. Then he threw a comment about her father. **"**Do you really want to discuss your father now?**"**

What was that supposed to mean? I remember turning to Grissom as he muttered a quiet 'damn' in his bear. He didn't seem unbalanced or disturbed the slightest by Adam comment. It was more like he knew the meaning of Adam's word. It unnerved me.

Sara was surprised by Adam's comment as well. But then 'Sara the fighter' came out to play. That's how she shields herself, fighting back when she loses balance. **"**So it's all about being a victim here, is that it? I'm sorry to tell you that but a thousand people live worst than what you've been through every new minute. And they don't necessarily kill people.**"**

**"**I didn't…**"**

**"**Yeah you didn't kill anybody you just 'helped' them. I think we all got this part all right.**"** She cut him off. Somehow I got the feeling that this was going to get out of hand **"**Whatever word you use to label what you did won't make the difference they're dead! Dead! Do you get that?!**"**

**"**Don't be condescending.**"** Adam threatened her.

**"**Adam, you decided to play God and killed the one you claim to be your friends! Take your responsibilities! You are a murderer!**"**

**"**Did you enjoy watching it?**"** He asked suddenly.

"Catherine, I think you should leave." Grissom's voice reached my ears. My eyes were glue to the two way mirror waving between Sara and Adam. I was wondering what was going on.

**"**Did you wish you were doing it instead of her?**"** Adam questioned Sara. She was tensed, really tensed even when we fought I never saw her like this.

"Catherine, leave please." Grissom asked me again. Something was going on with Sara. I felt anger mingled with jealousy. Grissom was in the confidence and I was not. "I'll come by your office later but I need you to leave now." He repeated. I just gave him a look that said that it wasn't going to happen unless he threw me out physically.

**"**What? You want me to elaborate? Fine.**"** Adam's voice echoed on the back.

"Catherine you have to leave." He begged me, like it would have worked.

**"**When your mother stabbed your father did you enjoy watching it? Did you wish it was you stabbing him instead of her?**"** Adam's cold voice filled the sudden silence. Grissom closed his eyes in defeat. I, on the other hand, turned my attention to Adam and Sara.

The silence was deafening. To say I was stunned wouldn't cover my feelings. Sara's mother killed her husband? Sara was there? Is this true? She had told me that her parents were abusive but I never got that far in her story. I was lost in thoughts when Adam started lashing out on Sara who was silently boiling.

**"**What? You don't have anything to say? You were yapping two minutes ago and now you can't even say a word?**"** He asked with despise. Then he asked her again if she wished she had killed her father. He kept on questioning Sara. My mind couldn't get away with the new information about her. Then he confessed the murders and justified them saying he did it out of love.

**"**That's how you make yourself feel better?**"** Sara finally said. She was hurt it was written all over her face. **"**Telling you that what you did was a display of love?**"** She chuckled bitterly "That was a nice speech, really. But all I can see is that now they're dead while you're still alive."

Adam went on, revealing the meaning of the last tattoo. Then he sent his keys to Brass. Brass exited the room like he did many times before in order to prepare a search in Adam's house. Only this time it was different. This time he did make a mistake.

Then everything literally turned upside down.

xxxxx

"…ADAM!…ADAM!…Don't do anything stupid." Grissom's voice screams from the corridor hitting the door of the observation room. Yet I hear him like he was miles away.

My mind refuses to warp itself on the situation. It just won't take a grab on it.

Two seconds. No, no that's too long. A second and a half, that's all it took. One moment everything was under control, and the next it all came down. And here I am trying to find my breath. No matter how hard I try though oxygen is refusing to fill up me lungs.

Adam is now aiming a gun at Sara's head while Greg is aiming another one at Adam's head. I try to convince myself that it's going to be fine but the more I think and the less it seems so.

"Adam… Adam… Listen to me, don't do anything stupid…" Grissom says with the microphone linking us to the questioning room.

"What the hell is going on?!" Says an angry voice. Great just the one we needed. "Why are you screaming like…" Conrad asshole Ecklie starts to ask before seeing by himself.

Before Ecklie gets a chance to talk again Gil cuts him off. "If anyone just so much as think to get in there while my guys are still in, I shoot them."

I don't think I've ever seen Grissom like this. Conrad either and I think that's why he doesn't respond and instead picks the wisest option "You have an hour to sort this out. After that I'll be in charge." The two men stares at each other with anger "Catherine don't just stand there, this lab won't work by itself. If you're needed you'll be called." Ecklie says turning to me.

I look immediately at Gil, as if he would help out of this, as if he would do or say the right thing to let me here near Sara. There is simply no way I'm going to work now. I just won't focus. Gil doesn't say anything though he just looks at me blankly as if to say Ecklie's right. I can feel Ecklie's impatient gaze on me. "Get back to work Catherine." He says before leaving the room.

I keep on looking at Grissom. Sting of betrayal burning me. In the whole decade we've known each other I can count on one hand the time he didn't stay at my side. I could ask him why he didn't just now. But I know his answer I can hear it now 'you're too close to think rationally'. Well fuck that!

"Get her out of here." I simply say as I start to walk out of the room.

"I'll get _them _out of here." He replies making his point. I'm so affected that I didn't thought about Greg. I instantly feel ashamed for such a slip.

I get out of the observation room on shaky legs. At least I think I do, it's like I was walking through a thick fog right now. I get halfway to my office when I have to run to the ladies' room. I'm lucky it's empty. I go in the nearest stall and throw up badly. When the sickness fades away, I wash myself. I throw some water on my face and then look at my reflection. It's like everything had just drown to me.

Sara's life is on the line. So is mine.

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**Ok, that's it... yes I know nothing has changed or moved but my part of the deal was to update not to fix anything, so I've been true to my words... - evil? you said evil? well maybe a bit - I'll try to come back with more as soon as I can in spite of my exams...**

**Thanks for reading.**


	65. Chapter 65

**So, one exam down six more to go! yoohoo :( (by the way thanks for your support ;) )... Anyway I felt so many bad vibrations in the air I thought I might update... So here I am with a new chapter...**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: Chione,** you're having murderous tendencies...where is the love?... But I have to say thanks for the tips ;)

**Sara Lya,** how about me black mailing you? I won't update until hearing from you...lol... see it can works in both senses...(relax I'm just kidding :D )... Je croise les doigts pour toi car aujoud'hui c'est le grand jour ;)

**Casara**, please don't hurt me, I'm not a bad person...

**Scubysnak,** I can't believe you thought Travis was behind all this! But you're right from your point of view it could have worked. Usually I'm good with details but, I hadn't even realised that angels had started to fall when he arrived... Anyway...

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**Chapter 65: Sara**

I never thought the floor would be so cold. Not that I've had many occasions to find myself on the floor or that I've ever really asked myself about the floor temperature. But now I know, it's cold. Cold enough to give me goose bumps in spite of the layers of my clothes.

Adam is breathing deeply above me. He's looking at me intently, I wonder what's he's thinking about right now. On one hand he has a gun – which canon is currently held against my forehead – and on the other he has my throat in a firm grip. So my arms might be free right now but the idea of moving doesn't seem so appealing.

"Greg, tell him to shut up." Adam says out of the blue with a calm and even voice. It takes me a minute to get aware of the fact that Grissom is screaming through the microphone of the observation room. I feel Adam's hand tightening around my neck and almost completely cutting my breath.

Greg isn't moving. He doesn't show any sign of understanding or acknowledgement of Adam's words. He's stiff as a stick and has a death grip on his weapon. He's sweating heavily and his breath is shallow. I'm having problem to breath as well.

"Greg!" I manage to say. This gets his attention. He looks at me as if he just got out of his trance. Adam's words catch up with his brain and he turns toward the two way mirror.

"Shut up Grissom. Shut up!" He almost shouts, effectively cutting whatever rant Grissom was in.

Once the silence returns I see the ghost of a smile gracing Adam's lips "Thank you Greg." He says as he eases the pressure around my throat. Not too much, but enough for me to breathe. "Phew…" He sighs "Everything is under control again." He chuckles. He looks at Greg and watches him for a long moment. "You're alright mate?" He asks almost genuinely.

"Let her go Adam." Greg says after a moment.

"I take that as a yes." He replies then looks at me "What about you Sara?"

"I'm peachy thanks." I say sarcastically.

"Greg right now it's all about keeping your cool. Because if anyone loses it the consequences might be ugly. We don't want that now, do we? So I'm asking you Greg, are you cool?" Adams asks. And since Greg doesn't answer, Adam tightens his grip on my throat only this time he strangles me which makes me jerk a little in panic. "Now Greg, when I ask you a question, I expect an answer." He says slowly with a deep and threatening voice looking at Greg with a hard expression. I start to squirm under Adam, oxygen loss starts to be unbearable. "Do you understand me Greg?".

I'm trying not to panic or squirming in all direction not to waste oxygen. But truth to be told I'm panicking, my heartbeat is hammering in my hear and my lungs at are burning.

Greg nods, but Adam doesn't release some pressure so I'm still struggling not to pass out. "Again, are you cool?" Greg nods again. "Good." Adam says finally easing the pressure on my throat. I start to breathe deep as much as I can – which is not much.

Adam is collected and cool, he doesn't seem nervous or doesn't seem to care about the situation. Greg closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "Adam let her go. We'll talk. Think about it you are surrounded, there are at least twenty persons behind this door that want nothing but seeing you down. So let's talk calmly. And let her go." Greg says in a controlled voice.

Adam laughs bit and shakes his head "Greg, think about it just two seconds. Do you really think that I care about getting out of here or not?"

"I take it the answer is no then." Greg says after a moment.

"Smart boy." Adam replies. Things are just getting better. My life is in the hands of someone who doesn't care and who has nothing left to lose. Great perspective.

"You planned this." I say, getting Adam's attention.

He looks at me intently "You're right I did. Not from the beginning. But once I got to know a little more about you, I decided that we should met."

How sweet of him.

"Hadn't it been for you it would have been over a long time ago." He adds.

"I guess I should feel lucky." I reply flatly.

"You should indeed. I got out of my way to get a chance…" He says letting his sentence hang in the air.

"A chance to do what Adam?" Greg asks.

"Well I have a proposition for Sara." He says to Greg and then speaks to me again "I have an offer for you.". His display of politeness is totally absurd and in other circumstances I might have laughed.

"Somehow I doubt I'll be interested." I answer.

"Boy, where are you're manners? You have to listen to my proposition first then you can speak your mind even if you just pretend to actually considering it." He scolds me.

I think the canon of the gun is about to get through my skull "My bad." I say.

"I meant what I said earlier. I'm surprised and amazed you went so far into life with this still in your system." Adams starts "I know what you've been through because we did as well." His gaze is deep, he stays silent for a moment probably waiting for an answer or some kind of reaction "Now will you be bold enough to deny that you're still going through it?"

I could deny it. But that would be a lie. Now, I don't lie as a general rule. Plus having a gun against your head tends to make you avoid any kind of denial. Then I don't know but there's something about Adam that keeps me from lying. I couldn't lie to him even now that my life might depend on it. He reads me like an opened book, no matter how I try I just can't find nowhere to hide. Right now it's about me facing myself for the first time since a long time.

"So?" He enquires.

"No." I reply in a whisper.

Greg tries to move but Adam puts some pressure on my throat again "Do you know how much time it will take for a bullet to get through her skull? Do you?" He asks Greg with fury in his eyes "Well no matter what it will always be faster than you are and ever be." Adam's voice is still calm and steady but the seriousness of his threat is there. Once he's sure Greg won't do anything he returns his attention to me. "Aren't you tired of this?" He asks me.

"Tired of what?" I ask confused.

"Starting over and over again." He says casually "Every time you move on it gets you back. No matter how much love you get, no matter how better you feel, every time there's something that snaps and it all comes back again, messing with your brain. The forbidden memories make their way back in your mind and you feel dirty again. Bam! Back to square one." He stops and seems lost in thoughts. "So here I am, to make you an offer. I offer you freedom. Freedom from all this." He says seriously.

I swallow hard "Like you offer to the girls?" I ask.

"No, you still don't get it. I didn't offer them anything. I gave them the help they wanted from me. They asked me to free them and I did. But right now I'm asking you to decide what you really want." He sighs "Sara, you can't escape your past because it's a part of you. It's a sick cycle, it will never end. There will always be this point where everything you build will crumble down because of those things you had to endure." He licks his lips "I'm offering you some peace of mind."

I close my eyes. My head is spinning fast right now. His words are making serious damages to me. They are so close from the truth, it's a perfect picture of my life.

I start to think about Catherine. Then I think about Babycake, then about Nancy and Jeremy, about Greg, Nick, Warrick – my brothers, Grissom – my mentor, Brass – the father I never had, Doc Robbins, Travis and Catherine again. My whole dysfunctional family. The key word here being 'family'. It's strange because that thought has crossed my mind before but it never meant anything until now.

Greg, I wish I could tell him that whatever's happening now and will eventually happen is not his fault. That he's doing alright. I can't imagine what he must going through now.

As oxygen comes to miss me I open my mouth to breath. Only I feel the taste of cold metal on my mouth and then I here the click of the safety being pulled back. That gets me back into the room. I open my eyes and look at Adam again.

"Don't wander off on me Sara. You need to stay here and take a decision." Adam says softly.

Another click resounds in the eerie silence. "Adam, don't do this." Greg says with a shaky voice.

"You think you can shoot me Greg? Have you ever killed a man before?" Adam says still looking at me. "Go ahead, pull the trigger." He dares Greg but doesn't tear his eyes from me. He takes a deep breath. "Now Sara have you reached a decision yet? Do you want to be free once for all or will you put up with keeping on starting over again?"

Actually, I have given a serious thought to his offer and made a decision.

"Ik goesn maer fince yoheon wioying heun." I answer. Yeah laugh as much as you want but I'd like to see you try to talk with a gun in your mouth.

"Excuse me?" Adam says coyly, apparently amused at the situation, before pulling the gun of my mouth, but not too far from my lips.

"It doesn't matter since you're the one holding the gun." I repeat myself. What's the use? I mean he might shoot me whatever I decide so I've decided to let go. There's nothing I can do now but wait.

"I guess that you're right at some point. But it makes a difference to me." Adam replies.

"Well then just between you and me… I'm choosing to keep on starting over again." I say with a strained voice.

"Why?" Adams asks me with a confused look.

"Because, I've just found out that it always worth the try." I simply say. That earns me to have the gun back in my mouth again. Wrong answer I guess then.

"Really?" Adam enquires.

I don't answer and just nod. He chuckles "We thought that too. But at the end of the day it was still the same. All this crap was still there, clouding our minds and staining everything we try to build. Every time we moved on it swallowed us back into the darkness. And boy we tried hard." Tears are falling freely from his cheeks now.

"In the end we were overwhelmed with nothing but the feeling of utter, complete and absolute… emptiness." He says stressing every word. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. When he opens them again there's determination in his eyes. He gives me a genuine and radiant smile, but then his smile fades away.

I guess that's where it will all end. I think hard about Catherine to calm myself. My heart is about to destroy my ribcage in any second. Let go, Sara, just let go.

"Please forgive me Sara." Adam begs through his tears. He nods his head repeatedly "Forgive me."

I feel the gun being pulled out of my mouth again.

"Adam no!"

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**What??? Oh my god, and say that I'm ending it up there... man that sucks :p**

**I think I'm getting good with cliffies, what do you think?. I guess readin 'how to make good cliffie in ten lessons' finally paid off...(somehow I fell like my joke doesn't make you smile... go figure.)**

**My god, choices will have to be made, I mean three persons, two guns and so many possibilities... How about a little game, uh? Submit:** (1)** if you want Adam to get shot,** (2)** if you want Sara to get shot,** (3)** if you want Greg to get shot,** (4)** if you want more than one person to get shot and precise your combinason (Greg and Adam, Adam and Sara, Sara Greg and Adam), or** (5)** if you want to shoot me for leaving you hanging like this ( just keep in mind that I already know what's coming next, you don't... well not yet at least :p...have mercy on me)...lol**

**Okay so my next exam is on Friday, so the next update won't be until Friday night or Saturday...**

**Thanks for reading.**


	66. Chapter 66

**Ok I'm back with a very little and really weird chapter but soon you'll understand why...But I'll be back with more soon I promise... (in case you're wondering, my exam went well - making an dissertation about rape for 3h ...oh joy :(...anyway five more to go and I'll be free again:)...Thanks for all your kind reviews even if for those who chose (5) lol... And yes I don't mind you sending me PM so feel free ;)**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: thanks for all your ideas...**

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**Chapter 66: Catherine**

"_Hey there sleeping beauty." A sweet voice wakes me up._

_I feel disoriented, I look around me and see a wide garden, full of colors. "What?" I eloquently say. "Sara?" I say as I realize that she's looking at me. I'm lying with my head on her laps._

"_Yes? Is something wrong?" she asks frowning a little. But there's a soft smile gracing her lips. I'm surrounding by warm bliss and suddenly I forget what I was about to say._

"_No everything's fine." I say with what must be and idiotic smile, not that I care. I look around again. This garden looks so familiar and so foreign at the same time. "Where are we?" I ask her._

"_In the garden."_

_I chuckle "Yes thank you, I can see it's a garden but where are we specifically?"_

_She smiles and frowns again "Are you sure you're ok?"_

"_Yes I am, why?"_

"_I don't know, you seem a bit funny." She shrugs. "Cath we're in our garden."_

"_Get out. Come on seriously, where are we?"_

"_I just told you. We are in our garden." She gestures the flowery land in front of us "This is ours." She says as if I was supposed to know that. I'm about to protest but she takes my hands and lifts me up from the bench we were sitting on. "Come with me."_

_I follow her as she leads me through the garden. I don't think I've ever seen so many beautiful flowers at the same time nor in the same place. She picks one of them and gives it to me – I believe it's a tulip. She doesn't say anything just keeps on smiling and gives me a sweet kiss on my cheek. We keep on walking silently hand in hand and then she suddenly stops on a spot. "There. Doesn't it look familiar to you?" she asks with sparkles in her eyes._

_I look and see 'our tree'. That's where we had our first real date. She took me in a nice little spot in some park with this huge tree. There was a beautiful view and the place was peaceful. "Of course it does, that's where we had our first date." I say beaming._

"_Do you remember it?"_

"_How could I forget?" I chuckle "I was so nervous that I've chained up the catastrophes. I stained your shirt with wine, I stomped on your foot, and almost knock you out. I couldn't stop giggling, and fidgeting. Never a date had made me this nervous and awkward. But it was the best date ever, I had fun, I enjoyed every seconds of it and the kiss was just… wow." I say feeling the blush creeping on my cheeks._

_She giggles and caresses my cheek with her hand "You're beautiful when you blush. Not that you aren't when you don't."_

"_I missed you." I tell her._

_She shakes her head and frowns a bit "I've never left your side." she replies with a soft smile._

_There's a funny smell lingering in the air. Something sweet and pungent, it starts to cover the delicate scent of the flowers surrounding us. "What's that smell?" I sniff the air a bit "Ammoniac?" But before she can answer me I hear sounds coming from behind me. I turn around and look but don't see anything "Did you hear that?" I ask Sara still looking around._

"_It's the wake up call." I feel her whispering in my ear._

"_What?" I turn around to look at her but she has disappeared. I start to panic "Sara?" I call. "Sara? Where are you?" I call again. The hideous smell starts to give me the nausea. I turn around again looking for Sara, but I'm met with another vision. There's no more garden only an empty land full of ashes. I look in my hand and the tulip I was holding literally rots in front of my eyes._

"_Catherine…" I hear. I look everywhere but don't see anyone. The smell starts to make my head spin. I feel as if the ground had just opened itself beneath me. I feel myself falling into darkness._

xxxxx

"Catherine?" A smoky voice says. "Cath, come on wake up." I feel my body being shaken gently.

"Huh…" I moan from the pain on my skull. There's this smell again. I jerk my head back to avoid it, needing fresh oxygen.

"She's coming to, give her some space so she can breathe." The voice orders.

I open my eyes and take some time to adjust "Sara?"

I hear a chuckle "Not really, no." I focus my eyes and discover Warrick gentle face just above mine "Hey there. You gave me quite a scare. Please don't do this again."

"What happened?" I say as I try to get up but my dizziness makes me fall back almost immediately. Lucky me, Warrick is holding me in a firm grip, that's when I see a tissue in his hand probably damp with ammoniac.

"Hey take it easy. Ok? Just take it easy." He says.

"What happened?" I repeat.

"I don't know, there was a gunshot coming from one of the interrogation room and before I knew it you just passed out."

It takes me two seconds to re-establish the connections. Sara. "Sara." I say in a breath. I feel sick again as my mind starts to wander on its own devices. I see her on the floor with a gun aiming at her head. Not fifteen minutes after I'd left the room a gunshot rang.

Oh God. Please don't let it be what I fear it might be. I jump on my feet as much as I can and start to walk toward the dreadful room. I start to panic. I don't know if I'll make it that far. Warrick comes to my side and helps me to walk where a crowd of lab tech is now standing.

I beg anyone that might be to have spared her life and Greg's.

Please let her be alive.

I'm paralyzed. I want nothing more than getting in there and see what happened but on the other hand I'm so afraid of what it might be that I try to keep the illusion that everything's alright a bit longer.

"Willows! Brown!" Conrad Eckiles says from behind us. "I'm going to need you. Takes your kits this interrogation room must be analyzed as a crime scene." He says with a tight voice "Now people!" Then he turns to the lab tech on the all "Everybody get back to work now! And I do mean NOW!!" He says walking toward them and shooing them away.

I turn to Warrick. I try to speak but nothing comes out. "Do you want me to do it all by myself?" He asks gently.

My mind is screaming yes, but I feel my head shaking no.

I could talk about a conflict of interest as a reason not to do this, not to get in there. But Sara isn't my lover, she's the one I love. Those are two different things.

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**Like I said it's short but I'm working on the next chapter so don't be mad at me. Besides I'm ruling out one of the possibilities. Someone said that Catherine could save the day... well wrong answer... **

**I'm thinking seriously of all the possibilities... although I'll make you a confidence in the first version of chapter 65 the answer was in the last sentence which I've decided to supress - I didn't want to spoil the fun :p... anyway and now I'm wavering between changing completely my gears or sticking with my first idea...we'mm see soon I guess.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	67. Chapter 67

**Ok so here I am back with the answer you've all been waiting for... And since I know you're eager to know what's going on I'll make my explanations for my choice at the end of the chapter... No go on and read... Oh and before I forget thanks for all your reviews you're the best ;)...**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: **Casara**, you can stop hibernating now, here's your resolution**

justicegrl**, Cath was just passed out, it wasn't a premonition or anything...Sorry if I got you confused there :p.**

scunbysnak**, get back to work now!**

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Chapter 67: Sara **

I'm frozen on the spot.

Adam has taken the gun out of my mouth and turned it against his head before pulling the trigger. I remember shouting him not to do this - at least I think I'm the one who shouted - but I was met with the deafening sound of a gun shot as he pulled the trigger. His body has jerked backwards and gone limp. And here he is now, lying on the floor.

I can't hear anything over my erratic heartbeat. My ears are still ringing from the gunshot. I think I'm breathing but somehow I can't feel the oxygen filling my lungs. I get on my knees and get closer to Adam.

I check his pulse. This is totally absurd and bordering sick humor but my first reflex is to check his pulse. There's none, which I could have guessed easily since half of his brain and blood are now spattered on the wall in front of me, while the other half is still within what's left of his skull. Yet as absurd as it is, a part of me was hoping for a pulse, even a tiny one.

His eyes are opened and there's the ghost of a smile on his lips. I close his eyes "I forgive you." I silently mouth. I turn and see Greg still aiming at Adam. It's like he hadn't realized yet what was going on. He's holding his gun firmly, and he's so tensed that he's shaking, his breathing is shallow and his eyes are glassy. He's sweating heavily and his complexion is pale. I think he's in shock right now.

I get up and walk to him. He doesn't move and keep on aiming his gun at Adam. I put one of my hands on the canon of the gun and that gets his attention. His head jerks toward me with a surprised expression. "It's over, let it go." I tell him. It takes ten whole seconds for my words to reach him through his haze. Then I see him putting the safety back on. With my hand still on the canon, I lower the gun. Once his arms are dandling idly on his side, I look at him intently "It's over." I repeat. I wait for my words to make their way through his mind and for him to nod that he's heard and understood them.

I walk to the nearest _clean_ wall and lean against it before letting myself slide down on the floor. My eyes are glue to Adam's body for a moment, my mind is trying to wrap itself on what just happened. But I can't seem to be able to have any kind of rational thought right now. Greg goes next to me, he leans against the wall but stay stand.

There's this sickening taste of metal lingering on my mouth. I try to breathe deep to get rid of it but it's worse. I can smell the iron filled scent of blood slowly invading my nostrils, my mouth, getting through each tiny pores of my skin, opening the gates of my memory. I look around and see blood spatters, a pool of blood, a dead man, and I get the bitter taste of déjà vu. For a moment I see my father lying in front of me.

Someone opens the door, but the door is half blocked by the upside down table. The door is being pushed more forcefully and Grissom's figure appears in the doorway. He enters the room and approaches us with a concerned look. I think he's about to ask us if we are ok, but after a good look at us he understands that his question is utterly stupid.

"Our report will be on your desk in 40 minutes." I state. It's funny because my voice doesn't sound like my voice actually. Grissom looks at me as if I had just insulted him.

"Sara…" He starts but I don't let him go further.

"40 minutes Grissom. That's all I ask. It's not that much is it?" I say calmly but firmly. I get up with much effort as I feel somehow woozy. "Come on Greg".

We don't move from an inch though as Ecklie enters the room. "The IA is on its way, not that you have anything to worry about but you know… standard procedure." He shrugs. "The swing shift will process this place." He says as a pale but composed Catherine makes her way in following closely by Warrick. "Grissom, I want you in my office ASAP." And with that he leaves the room in order to break the crowd of curious in front of the room.

Catherine is looking at me, she looks like she had seen a ghost. I can see she's struggling to stay composed. But all this seems so far from me right now.

"We're going to take your weapons." Warrick gently says. We obey without question. If you wonder why we still have them when it was only supposed to be an interview, well it's because we were coming back from the field when Adam appeared. So eager as we were to confront him with his acts we totally forgot that we still had our guns with us. Not that it really matters to know that now.

Once I've handed my gun over I start to walk out of the room but the taste of metal and blood don't mix and my stomach decides to give me his piece of mind on the matter. I bend to the trash bin and puke. Well, hello breakfast. I'm aware that there are four peoples in the room watching me and a bit more on the outside for the curious who have escaped Ecklie, but I'm way beyond the moment where I care.

"Sara!" Grissom exclaims as he moves next to me. I stand up properly and pass a hand on my mouth. Grissom barely lays a hand on me before I jerk violently. All that long hidden tension about physical contact oozing from me. I know he's surprised and worried but if nothing this bare contact made me sicker.

I know I must be heaving for oxygen like a bull ready to charge. I manage a weak and ironic smile "Well make it 50 minutes, I need to freshen up now." I look at Greg and he nods. Silently we get out of the room.

xxxxx

Ecklie is one efficient man when he wants to be, I have to admit. Adam killed himself three hours ago and Greg and I have just finished to give our statement to the IAB guys. I'm about to join Greg in the locker room but Ecklie calls me. "Sidle." He says in his cold usual way.

"Yes, Ecklie?"

"If you need counseling…"

"Ecklie we are fine." I say harshly. I should have known he's been taking this opportunity to have more ammunition against me. It's been so long that he wants to fire me that I'm sure he's getting off with what happened right now.

He sighs, he seems frustrated or nervous or angry, I don't know which. "It's not…" He sighs "Look as much as we don't like each other, you are one of the best elements of this lab and Sanders is promising… This lab can't afford to lose the both of you over something like this… What I'm saying is that if you think you and Sanders need time off or counseling let me know so I can adapt the schedule of the different shifts." He says seriously and the more unbelievable in all this is that he's genuine.

So basically he wants me out of this lab even if he admits that I'm good at my job, but he wants to be the one firing me. How thoughtful of him.

I know what you're going to say Ecklie being genuine, sensitive and human is a contradiction in itself but right now I know that there's no malice in his intention. He doesn't look at ease and I can understand him. I mean it's the _nicest_ thing he ever done or said as far as I'm concerned and it's so not like him, so I can understand his discomfort. But Ecklie being nice is a bit creepy too.

"If anything needs to be done I'll come to you." I answer seriously. He nods and then there's a quick and little smile on his lips but it disappears immediately. He looks away and then returns his attention to me.

"Has the IA finished with you and Sanders yet?" He asks breaking the 'emotional' moment.

"Yes, they said they'll be giving there answer in three days."

"Ok, so get the hell out of my lab and don't come back until four days." He says in his usual bossy tone. But I don't take offense, he's old self is back and I like that better. I mean after all he still has a reputation of vicious asshole to sustain.

I snort with a little smile "Yes Sir."

He sustains my gaze for a second or two and smiles a bit before leaving. Ecklie is a human being. Well wonders never cease.

xxxxx

I get into the locker room and find Greg sitting on the bench in front of his locker – which now has a dent on it. I sit next to him. "It doesn't make you feel any better does it?" I say.

"No it doesn't."

"I froze." Greg states out of the blue. "It was like all my mind went blank. It was so strange, like it wasn't really happening."

I don't reply anything. We stay silent for a moment contemplating what we've just been through. "I couldn't have shot him." He states. He's talking to me but his gaze is fixed somewhere far from this room.

"Had the parts being reverse I think I wouldn't have either." I say honestly.

"No you don't get it. I couldn't! I mean... Had he shot you I'm not even sure I would have fired back! I was petrified!" He says shooting the locker in front of him with anger.

"Greg, I like to think that I'll never be able to kill a man." I state.

"I was petrified Sara! I couldn't think or move!" He say almost shouting at me.

"We got out of it. That's all that matters now. I'm not going to tell you what you should have done or anything. I won't tell you that next time you won't freeze. But I know this, you did nothing wrong in that room, and I'll lay my life between your hands anytime, because I know that you'll always make the right choices." I tell him firmly with a voice that doesn't let room for argument or second guess.

"Do you think we're cursed?" He asks after another long silence.

"What do you mean?" I ask him confused.

"Well each time we are together bad things seem to rain. First the lab, then the cave, then the house and now this."

I think about it and he's not wrong we did have some bad luck "Well honestly if fate has a message for us I'd rather not translate it."

"Yeah maybe it's for the best." He sighs. "I don't know if I'm good for this…"

"Do you have a toothbrush?" I cut him. Everything is so clear on my head. I think I have the clearest idea I haven't had for a while.

That takes him out of his daze he frowns and looks at me like confused at my request. "What?"

I know he's wondering if I was even listening to him. I was and that's why I cut him off, self loathing is a bad path to take. He's good at what he does. I know this job can put you in dirty situation but you have not to let it get to you otherwise you'll burn yourself out, and I know a lot about that. "Do you have a toothbrush?" I repeat.

"Yeah in my locker." He says still confused.

"Good." I stand "Take it and come with me."

"What the…"

I silence him with a finger "Do you trust me?"

"With my life." He says without the slightest hesitation.

"Then just come with me. Take your stuff and your toothbrush." I tell him. He's still trying to figure out what it's all about "Please." He just nods and stands. He grabs his backpack and puts his toothbrush in. I do the same and then grab his hand and entwine our fingers. Then we get out of the locker room.

xxxxx

We arrive at our destination five hours later. "Right now it's about two words: _carpe diem_." I tell him.

He's still trying to convince himself that he's not dreaming and that we're doing some crazy thing. "Oh I hear you." He says with a smile the limbos of Vegas far behind us even if just temporarily.

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**I hope you're not too disappointed. I know many of you wanted me to shoot Sara. After a long reflexion I've decided not to. **

**I couldn't make Greg shoot Adam and then put him in shock for killing a man, because in my mind Greg was already in shock. So Greg was out sorry** Justicegrl **and** xmenmovEluver **;). Besides since I can have Greg direct point of view it was some kind of dead end for me.**

**Adam was bound to die because there was some kind of pattern here. Then the reason why I didn't make him shoot Sara is because I didn't want to turn him into some kind of psychopath killing just for killing... That's not the character I've created. Then in my vision of the scene if he had shot Sara she would have ended up dead. I meand it was a short range so the damages would have been consequents. Although the idea of the shot in the neck was great **Chione**, thanks. **

**Besides I've already shot Sara once... come on have some mercy on our girl! Why do I always try to kill her?... Maybe because I'm bad at it, I mean she always survive :p...Anyway.**

**I have to say that the idea of making Brass shoot Adams from the observation room was appealing. but I didn't want him to end this way. Sorry **Maximilliam

**Then last I didn't want Sara and Catherine to have a talk about Sara's past right after this. It will come, no worries, but not like this.**

**So this is it, you know why I did that choice and I hope you're not mad at me for it. Anyway, my next exam is Tuesday evening so the next update won't be until then.**

**Thanks for reading ;).**


	68. Chapter 68

**Hey, hey, hey... I'm here to update like I promised I would. I'm glad to know that you weren't too disappointed about my choice on the last chapter...Anyway, thanks for the reviews as always you made my day :)**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: **ACertainJustice**, I'll try to do better in spontanity in the future ;)**

Gringo**, glad to have you back and thanks for the tips as always ;)**

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**Chapter 68: Catherine**

It has taken us more than three hours to process the interrogation room, too many prints in there. I can't keep Sara out of my head. I saw her, I wanted so badly to take her in my arms and never letting her go. I would have, had she seen me. It's strange I know. But when I came into the room she looked lost and then she saw me for something like two seconds when she gave me her gun. Then all life left her eyes and everything just disappeared.

I'm in the restroom throwing some cold water on my face to get rid of the queasiness. I decide to find Sara to make sure she's ok. Well to hear her tell me that she's ok. Also I doubt that after today she's anywhere near ok. I'll just tell her that she can come at my place if she wants to talk to someone.

"Catherine?" I get aware of the fact that someone is calling me. I turn and find Warrick looking at me funnily. He now knows why I fainted earlier and he's been worrying about me ever since we were processing the interrogation room. I realize I got out of the restroom, although I don't remember doing so.

"Yeah Rick." I say absentmindly.

"You were zoning out." He states then sighs "Listen, why don't you go home or something, I'll finish things here."

I nod dumbly "Thanks." I try to decide what I'm going to do then stick to my first option. "Have you seen Sara?"

"Yes she's just left with Greg."

I frown as I take in the information "Ok, thanks. I'm out."

So my suggestions are that if Sara left with Greg they'll probably go to a bar of some kind to unwind. On the toughest cases that what anyone doing our job would do. So I'll give her an hour or two and then I'll go at her place to see if she's alright. I decide to ride to my sister that way I can see Linds and then I think I'd like to talk to Nancy.

I arrive at her place ten minutes later and four hours earlier than my usual schedule. I knock on the door and wait.

"Coming!" I can hear her say from inside. The door opens "Cath?" She's surprised but most of all she's worried, I never get early unless something major happens at work and generally it involves someone getting injured or nearly dying or dying. Today won't be any exception. "Come in." She gets me inside and closes the door behind me. She takes a deep breath and brasses herself for whatever sad new I'm about to say.

"She almost got killed." I say but it sounds too cold, too impersonal "Sara almost got killed today. I was on the first row and there wasn't a damned thing I could do about it." I say before breaking down relieving all the tension of the last hours. Nancy takes me in her arms and leads me to the couch. There she holds me tight and let me cry freely.

About an hour later I'm lying on the couch with my head on her laps. She's caressing my hair in a soothing motion. "I told you about the 'fallen angel' case." I state.

"The one Sara has been working on for a little over a month? The one that made you two drift apart from one another?"

"Yeah, this one." I sniff "Well, they caught the guy who was doing it… Not really apparently he came to them."

"That's strange."

"I thought so but it turned out that he had a plan." I look at Nancy and see surprise and confusion written on her face "He wanted to see Sara, it appeared that he new a lot about her life. Much more than I did myself." I say shivering. "Do you know how I learnt things about her today? First being in the observation room out of coincidence and then watching the tape of the interview to see where things got wrong." I sigh "I feel like I have betrayed her and somewhere I did."

"It's not like you knew those things would be brought on the surface." Nancy says after a moment.

"You're right I didn't but…"

"But?"

"Grissom saw it coming and asked me to leave and you know me. Then Ecklie asked me to process the scene and I didn't refuse and I sure a big part of me was just curious to know those things." I put a hand on my face "God I feel horrible."

"You care about her and you were looking for answers. So yes you might have 'betrayed' her but hadn't planned it." Nancy tries to reassure me.

"I guess you're right." I eventually admit. I tell Nancy the rest of the story. Then I decide to head to Sara's since Lindsey won't be home for a while.

xxxxx

I knock on Sara's door after having spent five minutes contemplating it. Unfortunately Travis is the one who greets me. He looks disturbed and worried. Somehow this unsettles me.

"Hi." I say after an awkward moment.

"Good morning." He answers. He steps away in an inviting gesture.

"Is Sara here?" I ask tentatively.

He snorts a bit "I was actually looking for your number to ask you the same."

I frown "I don't understand."

He looks at me intently and I can see that he's struggling to know whether or not he should trust me. He goes on the living room and tapes one the answering machine. There's a beep and then Sara's voice fills the room_ "T?…I…You…"_ there's some kind of sob and choking sound like she was crying or on the verge of crying. Then she tries to speak but nothing comes out just a painful moan. She takes a deep breath _"I…Don't worry… I'll call back… I… promise."_ and then there's the dial tone.

"That was six hours ago." Travis says with an uncertain voice. It's like he was afraid something. "She hasn't called yet." He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "What happened?"

I'm tempted to deny the fact that anything happened. But one look at him and I know that it's not a viable option. On the other hand I can't tell him the details, I think it's Sara's part to tell "An interview turned wrong."

"Does it have anything to do with the case she's been working on lately?" Travis asks. So he's not totally clueless.

"Yes." I confirm.

He takes a book on the counter and throws it across the room. The bluntness of his action startles me. For a good minute he paces like an animal in cage. He calms down quickly. He turns to me suddenly "Do you want something to drink?" he asks with a calm and soft voice.

"I… probably should go." I answer.

"You don't have to." He says almost begging me to stay with his eyes.

I think about the situation and the fact that I'm as worried as he is about Sara. "I'll have a tea."

Ten minutes later we are drinking tea on the couch. The silence is far from being comfortable but it isn't strained. "Can I ask you something?" I ask him.

He turns to me with a soft expression "Sure."

"Are you here to get back with Sara?"

He laughs a bit "Nope. That idea never ever crossed my mind. Don't get me wrong she's wonderful as a lover, although I'm sure you know that already; but I'm not in love with her anymore. I haven't been since a long time." He looks at me with a smile. "I'm in love, true, but not with her, with my wife. And I'm a very very happy husband with three kids."

I think I heard my jaw touched the floor. Travis misinterprets my surprise "I know it can be confusing for the outsiders to understand my relationship with Sunshine but there are no romantic feelings between us anymore." He adds.

"Actually, what surprised me was the husband and father part." I say honestly

"Well you never asked about my personal life." He states.

"I assumed you were single since you were not wearing any wedding ring."

He grins at this "I admit it was tricky from me. Well, Karen – that's my wife, and I have decided to renew our vows so we'll have brand new wedding rings; right now they're still in the jewelry store."

What a shock. I mean now I feel like a fool to have presumed that he was a threat between Sara and I. I'm about to say something when the phone rings. Travis answers after only one ring.

"Hello? Sunshine?… How the heel am I supposed to know that?!! Do you have any idea of what's going through my head right now?!! I thought so but one more hour I would have gone crazy!!… No! Don't you pull a stunt like that on me again!…" He shouts. He closes his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath. "Yeah me too... but I think you gave me reasons to be edgy…" There's a long pause, I suppose she's talking to him. He calms down considerably "Catherine has been looking for you too… well she's there with me…" For a moment I think he's about to hand me the phone over but he doesn't. "Ok… fine…" He sighs "Bye… take care… Sunshine?" There's another pause "Yeah, me too." And with that he hangs up.

He turns to me. I look at him expectantly and I might shake him senseless if he doesn't say anything soon. "She went back in California." He says flatly.

I feel like he had just punched me. My legs give up on me and I fall back on the couch. My mind tries to process his words but I just can't do it. I turn to him again "When doesn't she come back?" I ask.

"She didn't say when or if she'll come back."

"What do you mean 'if she'll come back'?" I say panicking "Of course she'll come back, I mean she has to." I don't know if I'm trying to convince him or myself. He looks at me defeated.

"I'm as lost as you are." He says.

"I have to go picking up my daughter." I say numbly.

"Ok." He walks me to the door. "Don't bother calling her on her cell." I think the hurt was showing on my face because he adds something quickly "It's not you, she has turned off her cell, she won't answer to anyone." I nod.

"Ok. I really need to go now."

"I know." He replies. "I'll call you if there anything new." He offers.

"Thanks."

I turn and exit the building. I get into my car and all the way to Lindsey I can't think about anything but the possibility to have lost Sara for good. I think it's official my heart has stopped beating.

She'll come back right? I mean she has a job here, an apartment and there's Lindsey and the guys and… well me. She can't quit all this, can she?

She'll come back. I'm sure she will. Now if I could convince myself with that fact breathing might become easier.

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**Ok, so I know what you're all waiting for and you'll get it, no worries...What I'm trying to say is that I have a clear pattern in my head so even when it seems like I'm getting off tracks, it's for a reason so just have faith in me :)**

**Besides I think I can cut them some slack for a chapter or two...**

**Next update Thursday after my next exam... :)**

**Thanks for reading ;)**


	69. Chapter 69

**Oye everyone! Thanks for your reviews I'll never say it enough, you guys are amazing!! So here's my take about Sara's life or at least a bit of it... What would she do while in California...Anyway, like I said I've decided to cut Sara some slack for this chapter...**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: **Axiegirl21**, it's thrusday at last...lol ;)**

Casara**, no I don't hate Catherine. I just like making her feel bad... :p**

ana**, patience mon amie chaque chose en son temps...**

Sara Lya**, (oh fait les exams qu'est ce que ça a donné?)**

Z**, I aim to please ;)**

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**Chapter 69: Sara**

I wake up to the sweet whispers of the ocean. The rising sun is caressing my skin delicately. I sigh in contentment, I've missed this. There's the soft thumping of a heartbeat resounding on my ear, and I feel myself being wrapped in a warm embrace.

I open my eyes and get accustom with the beauty surrounding me. White sand, orange and gold sky, night blue ocean…

"Good morning" I say to my companion raising my head a bit from his chest.

"Fantastic morning." He answers with a smile. "Just look at this… there's no words to describe such a beauty."

"You said it." I reply contemplating the view again.

"You know in the top five of my fantasies, I've realized the second and the third one in the last 24 hours."

"Really?" I ask turning back to him.

"Yeah. In the row number two there was sleeping and waking up with you in my arms." He says blushing a bit. "I know it's worse than corny but I'm not ashamed of it."

"Greg." I say shaking my head but touched at his confession "You're ever the gentleman."

"And you know it was better than in my fantasies." He says smiling "Oh, and the snoring, though quite unexpected, was cute really."

I gasp and hit him playfully on the chest, feigning hurt. "Smooth talker, really smooth."

"It was cute really!" He protests. I end up sticking my tongue at him and we burst into laughter.

We slept on the beach after a party with some acquaintances of mine. Most of people went back home before the sunrise, but some of them – like Greg and I – have stayed there to talk and eventually sleep. We talked a bit about what happened with Adam. And I told Greg about some of my past, he shared his with me. It was great really.

"What was the third one?" I ask once we have calmed down a bit.

"Doing something crazy and unexpected with you. Flying to California and ending up at one of the biggest party I've ever been to, definitely fit in." He says beaming.

"Well we haven't started to have fun yet." I state.

"I like the sound of that."

California. That's where we are right now. Yesterday everything was too much and I knew I was at the breaking point so getting here seemed like and was my best idea of the moment. We needed to get out of Vegas. They call it Sin City and they're right, what they don't mention though is that if you don't watch out you'll lose yourself in there.

I sit up in the sand and stretch a bit. My neck is hurting a little. And sure the ugly bruises there will keep me from forgetting why we are here in the first place.

"So what's the plan today?" Greg asks.

"No plan, that's the idea." I say immediately. I close my eyes and think a bit "I feel like surfing. What do you say?"

"Surfing? On the waves you mean?"

"No on the sand of course…" I tease. "Well yes on the waves Greg that's easier and funnier this way you'll see. Come on."

We go on the shop not to far away from the beach, it hasn't changed since the last time I came. "Did you got here willingly or did you just lost your way?" An athletic 6 feet tall man asks me with a smile. His tanned skin contrasting with the light color of his clothes.

"I came here willingly, you know I can't be away from you for too long." I reply.

"That's my girl. Wait a minute I call the press and tell them the prodigal daughter has returned and then I'll get back at you." He says picking the phone.

"Bite me" I laugh. He comes toward me and gives me a bear hug.

"Welcome home short stuff." He says with a smile on his voice. Once he puts me back on the floor I introduce Greg.

"Jeff I'd like you to meet Greg, I told you about him. Greg, meet Jeff."

Jeff and Greg shake hands "Nice to meet you Greg. I'm Jeff Cartright but everyone calls me Smarty." Jeff says.

"Nice to meet you too."

Jeff turns to me. "I know why you're here short stuff but you have greetings to do. Plus I bet you're hungry. So let's go."

We end up at a pub no to far from the shop. It's close at this time of the day but not for some people. We enter the pub and as soon as the bartender lays his eyes on me I know I'm in trouble.

"Hold your breath everyone, the Apocalypse is near! Guess who's back!" He shouts. That gets the attention of the four other men in the room. There's a dead silence for almost a full minute.

"Darko, have you put some drugs on my food? I think I'm seeing things." One of the men says.

"Doc, one more time: you suck at humor." I reply cheerfully.

"Well, I'll be damned, you're back!" He says with a smile.

All the men stand up and gather in front of me to greet me with kisses and hugs. Once they let me go I introduce them to Greg "Guys, guys, this is Greg one of my closest and dearest friend from Vegas." They all nod and throw some 'hi' to Greg. "Greg, this is Cooper aka Darko, he owns this place." I say pointing a tall man with blue eyes, brown hair and sun-bathed skin. "There you have Lucas aka Noodle." Lucas is as tall as me with dark hair and brown eyes. "Here there's Brian aka Doc." Brian is black and he has the green eyes of Warrick. "This is Douglas aka Tiny." Douglas is build like a tank and he's taller than Jeff. "And last but not least here's Keenan aka Big Guy." Keenan is a bit shorter than me, lanky, with blond hair and beautiful green eyes.

"Glad to meet you guys." Greg says with a smile.

"Ok, now that everyone has greeted each other let's have a breakfast." Darko says.

We have a pleasant brake fast where we explain where our nicknames come from. Like Smarty, it's because Jeff used to do the most stupid things when he was younger just to see what happened. Noodle?… it's a long story involving Asian food. Doc? It's because when he was young Brian used to eat only carrots and only say 'hey what's up doc?' for three whole months. Darko? Cooper was wanted to be a vampire and this was his name… just don't ask. Big Guy? Well Keenan is the most resourceful of us. When in trouble he always finds solutions and always keeps his cool. Plus when you're his friend, you can be sure that he'll always have your back.

I met them all in my last foster home – my first real home in fact. We liked each other and made a unit so we could move on. That way we weren't ever alone. So I guess you can say that they're my brothers of arms.

We also talk about how we met and what the guys do in life. Greg enjoys himself and is comfortable enough to speak and joke with my circle of friends.

"When I was young I was smaller than anyone, I was thin as a nail and not really strong. So they used to call me 'tiny'. Imagine their surprise when I came back one summer taller than each one of them and with muscles everywhere. They still called me 'tiny' but somehow they didn't bully me anymore." Doug explains.

Everyone laugh at this. "So what about you Greg, what's your nickname?" Doc asks.

"Well they used to call me 'spiky' because of my hair, but now it's not really of use since I don't do funny stuff with them anymore. Then I was also the 'Lab rat' because I used to be on the lab all day. And now that I'm on the field, I'm the field mouse. So, you know, I don't have one specifically." He answers with a shrug.

"Oh come on we have to find you one, that's the only way for you to join this gang man." Smarty exclaims with a smile. "Ok let's see, you're a scientist, you like rock music and you're a bit crazy. Ok, let's work on it guys."

"So 'short stuff' uh? What's the story behind this." Greg asks amused.

"Oh no, I'm not telling this." I protest.

"And here she thought she would go unnoticed." Brian mocks me.

"Come on Sar, it's not everyday I learn something about you." Greg says with pleading eyes.

"No way, this is too embarrassing… no way ok, I'm not telling you this."

"It's alright we can tell you." Doug offers.

"Fine, have fun you bunch of Judas!" I say in mock anger "But just so you know I'm an expert in hiding bodies without leaving a trace."

"Ooh we're scare now, Tiny, protect me mate." Noodle says. And they all laugh at me.

"Come on Greg, open your ears because you won't hear this twice. It all started a long time ago. The reason we call her short stuff is because…"

I know you want to hear this story too but I'd rather keep the last remains of dignity I still have. Sorry. When the story ends they all laugh even stronger than before. Greg almost choke himself to death. He's weeping and his face is all red, then he literally falls out of his chair and laughs harder rolling on the floor. Now you know why I can't let you hear this story.

"It's official I hate you guys." I say pouting. But I can't keep my seriousness long because I end up laughing with them.

xxxxx

I look at my watch and I decide that the time has come "Smarty, how's baby doll?" I ask.

"Even more gorgeous than when you left her." He says with a knowing smile.

"Well, gentlemen let's get some adrenaline rush here."

We all get up and go to the beach, and the guys have all brought their board along. Baby doll? That's how I named my board. They offered it to me for my departure to Harvard. It's navy blue with lagoon blue and red flames on it. There's also a love and peace symbol somewhere on the back.

We surf all day long. Well Greg paddles on the water most of the time but by the end of the day he can stand on the board for at least five seconds straight. He makes us laugh but I have to give him that for a first time he's not bad.

We eat dinner at Darko's pub and share some more stories. Right now it's time for Greg baptism. "You were really like a fish in the sea mate." Doug jokes.

"Yeah, I'm a snowboarder, not a surfer." Greg says laughing. He turns to me "I never pegged you as a surfer girl."

"World's full of wonders." I say shuffling his hair.

"How about 'torpedo'? I mean you were falling from you board faster than your shadow" Brian proposes.

"Nah, that sucks man." Cooper says.

"Jellyfish?" Lucas tries.

"Starfish?" Jeff chimes in.

More animals get named, there was a proposition about mermaid, shark and Poseidon but after 30 minutes nobody is satisfied with the proposition.

"Oh, I got one." Keenan says. He looks at everyone letting for the dramatic effect "Shark bait." He says. There's a silence during which everyone thinks about it. "You know I saw that movie with my little boys not so long ago about this little fish who still has a lot to learn, like you have to learn how to stand on a board. And it makes me think of you Greggo." Keenan adds.

"I'm all for it." Doug says and soon everyone follow. Then they look at Greg. "So?" they ask.

"Shark bait uh?" Greg says thinking about it a bit, all the guys are holding their breath for his answer "Cool… I like it." Greg says after a moment. He's smiling eagerly, happy to be an official member of the gang.

There are whoops of joy, and whistles. We have another round of drink and have a toast to Shark bait and then we talk a bit more. Then we decide to go play pool.

xxxxx

The three days we spend in California are mostly the same, they are care-free, relaxing and entertaining. We go to parties and have good time with my friends. The IAB called me to say that Greg and I were clean. So unfortunately, we'll have to go back to Sin city.

The guys will take us to our plane. We decide to watch the sunset before going to the airport.

"Thanks." Greg says suddenly, watching the sun settling down. "For everything."

"You're welcome."

"I'd like to carve those memories. I'd like to capture them in a bottle so I can't forget them. This were the three coolest days of my life."

I let his words sink and I get an idea. "Well there's something we could do. But we'll have to wait to be back in Vegas." I tell him cryptically.

The guys take us to the airport and give us presents, then we bid our goodbyes promising we'll come back, and then we go. Direction: Vegas.

xxxxx

Once we arrive I take Greg to a shop and expose him my idea to immortalize those three days. He agrees without hesitation.

"Hey, beautiful." The owner greets us. "I never though I'd see you again."

"Well, I was wondering if your offer still stands." I say with a smile.

"It sure does." He says happily.

"Does it includes my friend too?" I say motioning Greg.

"Sure thing. Come on and tell me what's on your mind."

xxxxx

"I can't believe I got tattooed." Greg exclaims. We're on my car and I'm driving him home.

"Well now we share something unique." I reply. We got tattooed the on the left arm the only common thing is the banner with the words _carpe diem _on it but that's it. Greg has a smiley riding a wave behind it, whereas I got a burning smiling sun.

We arrive at his place so I kill the engine so we can say goodbye to each other. "I'll never thank you enough for this trip. For cleaning my head." He says seriously, with warm affection pouring from his eyes.

I caress his cheek with a grin, and just the same affection. "You're more than welcome. Now you have something to hold onto when things go south." We chuckle. He hugs me fiercely, conveying all his love and I can't do anything but returning the gesture.

"Thanks" he repeats. "That's one of the reason I love you. You always know the right thing to do."

"I love you too Shark bait." I joke and he giggles. Then there a silence.

"I so do not want to go back to work."

"Me neither, but we have to."

"I know. Ok I'll go in and have some rest then." He says opening the door.

"Yeah see you later. Oh and don't forget to take care of the tattoo."

"I will. See you later."

And with that he goes to his home.

xxxxx

When I get home Travis isn't in. I supposed he went for his run. So I take a long shower and go to my bed. When I wake up Travis is lying behind on the bed, spooning me protectively from my back.

We talk a bit but then I get ready for work. I took a great decision today. So for once I go to work light hearted. I go see Grissom and after a ten minute speech, he's speechless.

Next stop: Greg. I find him in the locker room.

"Hey there."

"Hey." He answers with a big smile. I sit next to him and take a deep breath.

"I just spoke to Grissom. I asked him for some time off. So I wanted to tell you that you'll be on your own for a while."

"That sucks. I don't know if I can handle this." He says.

"Sure you can. I've faith in you. You're good at what you do."

"Yeah but I'll make mistakes."

"That's the only way to learn." I reply with a soft smile.

He sighs "How long?" he asks.

"I don't know yet. Two maybe three weeks, maybe more. I'll see."

"You're sure you can spend that much time without working?" He teases me.

"Sure I will, since you'll come for breakfast after all your shifts to tell me about your cases, ask me advices and expose me your theories, right?"

"You bet!" He says with a big smile.

I bend and kiss him on the forehead tenderly. "You'll be fine on your own."

"I'll miss you… short stuff." He replies.

I instantly grab his ear and twist it.The pain is so vivid that he opens his mouth but nothing comes out "If it comes to the ears of anyone, and I mean anyone, you're a dead man and this is no metaphor." I threat him "I'm serious, deadly serious."

He nods and pretends to zip his mouth shut and close it with an imaginary key which he gives me. "Smart move… Shark bait." I say releasing his ear and putting the imaginary key in my pocket, while he caresses his ear in a soothing motion. We keep our serious for three more seconds before bursting into laughing.

I hug him and then I shuffle his hair. I stand up from the bench and turn to leave "See you later." I say.

"Sure." He smiles and winks "Have nice holidays."

"You bet." I wink back at him a go.

* * *

**Ok, now that's done, I can focus on giving you what you all want in the next chapters. Lucky you my next exam is next Tuesday, so it means that I'll update this week end - ain't it great? yeah I thought so... ;)...**

**Thanks for reading **


	70. Chapter 70

**Hey, thanks for your reviews. Here's the new update, two (short) chapters...Oh and before I forget, I'm sorry to tell you that you'll never know about the short stuff story... You see the thing is that I suck at funny stories, so I leave it to your imaginations... And of course 'Sark Bait' was a reference to 'Finding Nemo' I'm a sucker for animation :p (I watch those with my little cousins and my brother...) anyway I stop rambling.**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So

* * *

Chapter 70: Catherine**

Someone knocks on my door softly. I consider briefly not letting them in because I'm almost done with this shift. But I grant them access. I stop breathing when I see Sara coming in and closing the door behind her. I'm so surprised that my pen almost falls from my numb fingers.

"Hello." She says with a small smile. My mind goes momentarily blank. She looks at me nervously as I don't say anything for a long minute. "Is this a bad time?" She asks.

I shake my head out of my daze "No…not at all." I stutter still out of it.

Her smile returns and she moves forward to sit on the chair facing me. I couldn't explain it to you but there's something different about her. She looks more relaxed, more serene. I don't think I ever saw her like this even when things were very fine between us. It's a bit unsettling. I know I've never seen the Sara in front of me.

She had called me from California, not so long after Travis. She apologized for standing me up for our breakfast and to say that she was fine that I shouldn't worry. But that was it. And now here she is and I don't feel like I know who she is and she hasn't spoken yet. It's creepy.

"Well, I'm back." She states the obvious shyly. She chuckles at herself and takes a deep breath. "I wanted to talk to you. I want to." She announces and I just nod "Not here and now of course but whenever you feel like listening to me, I'd like to talk, for real." She says firmly "Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of sorting things out too. And now I'm ready to talk." She pauses to look for her words "I'm not saying it will solve anything, but it should be a step in the right direction." Once again I nod.

This is it. This is the moment I've always looking for. The moment where she grants me access to all those things about her that I don't know. The moment where I get to know the real Sara. This offer surprises me, scares me and honors me at the same time. Somewhere it's typically her, giving all or nothing.

"Well I'm taking some time off right now so you can come to me anytime, whenever you're ready. All you have to do is knocking on my door at anytime, any hour of the day or the night." She says with a warm smile.

"Ok." I answer eloquently once I find my voice again. She nods and gets up.

"Well, I let you finish working now. See you soon, I guess." She grins "Say hi to Lindsey for me." I nod and watch her as she makes her way out of my office.

xxxxx

I'm in front of Sara's door. Four days ago she offers me to talk and here I am to take her up on it. I know what you think, I've been waiting for this moment for so long yet I'm dragging my feet toward it once I'm granted to have it. Well I thought a lot. What if once everything is said nothing changes? What if in the end it wasn't the reason for us to be apart? What if it appears that we're not made for each other after all? See? That's the kind of thoughts I've been having ever since she came to me.

I knock and wait. To my surprise a bared chest Travis opens the door. He greets me with a smile and step aside so I can come in.

"Sorry for this" he says mentioning his lack of clothes.

"It's ok." I smile. He's quite a catch, I mean he's well sculpt to say the least. I shake my head out of this line of thinking. "Is Sara there?"

"Yeah she's in the bedroom." He states.

"Oh, she's sleeping?" I ask "Don't bother her I'll come back later." I should have called before coming.

"No don't worry I was waking her up anyway." He reassure me with a smile. "I'll be back."

He goes in the bedroom and I can see everything from my spot on the living room. There's the sleeping form of Sara on the right side of the bed. Travis snake in the bed behind her and encircles her in his arms. He whispers something in her ear and she stirs a little. I hear her moaning and protesting something, then he tells her that I'm here. She stops for a moment and then he asks her to wake up. Then he starts to sing something way out of key and he tickles her. She gets out of her sleepy haze, laughing and trying as much as possible to escape Travis' hold. She finally begs for him to stop, and gets out of bed calling him a tormentor with a smile though. With that she goes in the bathroom.

I turn my attention to the living room again. It's funny because not so much time before this display of affection would have made me jealous. But ever since Travis told me about him, I know that it's nothing but just that: affection. Travis reappears in the living room putting a shirt on.

"So what do you want with your breakfast? Tea, coffee, hot chocolate or something else?" He asks cheerfully.

"Can I have both coffee and hot chocolate?" I reply.

"Sure."

I join him in the kitchen and sit on one side of the counter watching him move with ease in the kitchen.

"What are you thinking about?" He asks me after a while.

I start to answer and then just chuckle. "You know I used to be jealous of you." He just watches me and nods "But now I know that I was just jealous of you knowledge of Sara." I admit. He just smiles "How did you do to get in?" I ask.

He narrows his eyes and thinks about it for a moment "Let's pretend you're a fortress. In the core of the fortress there's yourself. You're the one allowing people to get in. At the beginning it's easy, I mean you don't fear anything and you're eager to learn. Now what did you do the first time someone hurt you?"

"I built a wall." I answer going with his idea, not really understanding the sense of his metaphor.

"Exactly. So after that the access was a bit more selective and more difficult for people." He says and I just nod "You're not the same person then twenty year ago, are you?"

"Of course not."

"Because you've trapped the way to your fortress and built walls according to the experiences you've been through, with all the bad and the good, so that now your fortress is almost perfect to prevent you from any kind of hurt. Now the only people to get in are those you grant the access to or those who want to know you so much that they're ready to wait and give whatever it takes." He sighs "My point is that it's the same for everyone. So you see, it might look like it was easy for me to get to know Sunshine because there were 15 years of experience missing. But it's wrong, it was hard, long and painful, just like it is for you now. Sure for you the walls are thicker and higher. But it's the same because she's fighting just as hard as she fought me."

I give a thought to his metaphor. I have to say that he's good at it. "There's no easy way, only a hard way. But the only thing that matters is to know whether it worth the effort or not, keeping in mind that there's still the possibility of getting disappointed once you're in." He adds before returning to his cooking, leaving me to think about everything he said.

When he turns to me again he has finishing to cook and is settling the dishes. I start to ask him about his children and he asks me about Lindsey. Then after a moment his expression clouds with worry, he's not looking at me anymore but behind me. He looks at his watch and then frowns. "Excuse me." He says before moving to the bathroom door.

He knocks softly on it "Sunshine?" He calls "Are you alright in there?" He asks "Sunshine?" he tries one more time "I'm coming in." He announces and then disappears in the bathroom. I don't move from my spot giving them some intimacy. I hear muffled voices and then ten minutes later Travis comes back to me. I silently ask him if everything is ok, and he just smiles.


	71. Chapter 71

**Chapter 71: Sara**

Breathe Sara, breathe.

I just had a panic attack. I just couldn't move. Everything just drown to me. I'm about to tell Catherine everything about me. Although with Adam's case she has find some things, I'm about to reveal her everything. It means that I'm probably about to lose her. It's like on your wedding day, I suppose, you realize at some point or another that your life is about to change forever. That no matter what happens, it will never be the same again.

Breathe Sara, breathe.

Travis just left me again. He came to see if I were ok. He calmed me down. I'm grateful he's there now. He was worried about me. As a general rule he doesn't like when I stay a long time alone in a bathroom, except when I mention that I'll take a bath. After the Day, I understand his fear and I can't say I blame him for his protectiveness.

I look at my reflection and take a deep breath. This is it, I'm ready.

I exit the bathroom and join the two of them in the living room. They're engross in a discussion about their children. I take a second to contemplate the fact that they're getting along and then I join them around the counter so we can have breakfast. My stomach is as tight as a knot so mostly I'm pushing my food in my plate. I try to participate to the conversation, but they're doing fine on their own.

I'm getting drunk. Drunk of Catherine. She has some many expressions, she makes so many little sounds when she expresses her feelings, it's incredible. If I was blind I could tell you what she's feeling at anytime, her voice changes, the way she laugh – god I love that sound – the way she speaks, the way she sighs. It's a delectable alcohol that takes you to Wonderland.

I'm getting drunk of her, intoxicated even because this might be the last time I get this chance.

I lift my head up when I realized that there's a silence. Travis is looking at me. He looks at my plate, then gets back to my eyes. He arches his eyebrow and I know I'm about to be in trouble. This meant 'Sunshine don't make me force-feeding you'. Yeah laugh as much as you want but he did it once and if I give him the chance he'll do it again. So I start to eat a bit obediently.

Once we finish our breakfast Travis announces that he's going out with his cousin for the rest of the day. He tells goodbye to Catherine and I walk him to the door. He faces me and smiles a bit.

"I'm one phone call away." He says.

"I know."

"In the end I'll be there. You're stuck with me remember?" He jokes. Then his serious returns again "It's going to be alright." With that he kisses my forehead with love and hugs me tightly. I close my eyes at the touch and sigh. I hold on the warmth of his affection and love because I'll need it. We smile at each other and he leaves my apartment.

I take a deep breath and turn to the living room. Catherine is waiting for me on the couch. Here goes nothing.

I sit next to Catherine and we scrutinize each other silently for a while. I carve this image of her in my head, she's so beautiful.

"Hey." She says with a smile.

I chuckle "Hey yourself."

"So how are you doing?"

"Not too bad, I guess."

She frowns and looks at me intently. "You've lost weight." She states with concern in her voice.

"I've never been good at taking care of myself." I reply laughing nervously. "I'm fine don't worry. What about you? How are you doing?"

"Not very well." She says calmly. "This break, has been killing me every single second." She sighs "You told me that you wanted to talk and I came here today to know if this offer still stands."

"It does." I answer.

"Good. Well if it's ok with you I'd like to go first." She waits for my nod of approval before going on. "Like I said, this break is killing me. I won't beat around the bush, I want us to get back together. There's no doubt in my mind about that. But, and it's a big 'but', I won't get back to our hold relationship again. I mean, I want things to change." She takes a deep shaky breath "If you can't make the effort to open yourself to me, to stop hiding from me, then I won't take this chance. I can't get through this hurt again. You're my life Sara and I can't be just a part of yours. I know it's much to ask but I don't want any less, I can't have any less. Call me conceited but I think I don't deserve any less." She says firmly, but I can read apprehension on her features.

She's afraid I'll refuse her terms. But I won't, that's what all this conversation is about. I'm going to let her in, for real. I realize that my silence is getting to her nerves. "I understand." I reply eventually.

This is the part where I tell her everything about me. But before doing that, I get something out of my pocket. The gift she had made me months before. I put it on the table, when she sees it she turns to me with a panicked expression.

"It's your set of keys." She states the obvious.

"You'll probably want to get it back by the end of our conversation." I simply say. And if it's the case it will be easier that way. I mean, this way she won't have to ask me for it, and I won't have to see her leaving with it.

"Sara, you don't have to tell me everything now." She offers me an out.

"Oh, but I do." I sigh, get up from the couch and go to the window in front of us. I sit on the ledge facing her from this safe distance.

Now is the time to open Pandora's box.

* * *

**Ok that's it. And unfortunately I have a bad new. My last three exams are this week and they're close from one another, and they're not on my favorite subjects, so what I'm trying to say here is that I won't be able to update for the entire week... I really hate leaving you hanging like this but there are**** priorities...(I am really sorry...)**

**But I promise that your patience will be reward... ;)**

**Thanks for reading**


	72. Chapter 72

**At last I'm done with those stupid exams!!! Yes! Thanks for your support and your fantastic reviews! Damn!I'm sorry for the delay, but yesterday was a crazy day, I had an exam in the morning, then I had to play the drums for a band ( well my new band now...lol) all the afternoon, then I went to a party all night ( yeah because I don't know about you but here in France after the exams session we generally have parties to unwind and all.) I didn't come back until this morning and I had to rest because there's another one tonight (since my second semester starts on Monday I might as well enjoy my first real free time even if it's just for two days.)... I'm sorry for the ramble but I feel like I was high or someting ( too much energy at the same time!)... And add to that, that I had to restrain myself from writing this week it feels good to be free again...Anyway let's move on.**

**So there it is, what you've all been waiting for! The confrontation between Cath and Sara. I made two chapters but really it's like one ( I just wanted to have both point of view...**

**Ok before I leave you alone to read I'd like to put a warning here so... WARNING: my vision of Sara's past is pretty dark, really dark and heavy... now you've been warned!**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: **disharmony Intergalactic smart-ass**,welcome on board and glad you like the story ;) will there be a happy end... only time can tell...**

Axiegirl21,** the update is here so relax ;)**

scubysnak,** I'll finish my story that's a promise but you do the same on your side!!**

**

* * *

Chapter 72: Catherine**

I'm afraid I've been too far. I exposed my terms if we were to get back together. Sara's giving me back her set of keys, the keys from my house that I gave her. I'm panicking, maybe I'm overreacting but I'm panicking.

"I don't know where to start, so if you have questions ask them. And then I'll fill the blanks I guess." She starts. "Ask anything you want, I'll answer."

I think about it, there are so many things I want to ask. I opt for the simple questions. "What's the story of the tattoo on your ankle?"

"I lost a stupid game with Travis and this was my dare. That's also why he started to call me Sunshine." She answers.

"Ok. Question number two: what's the story of the ring around your neck?"

Just as I mention it she starts to play with it, making it slide from one side to the other of the chain. "It's my wedding ring." She states.

I knew I was in for surprises, but that? That didn't even figure on the list of the most improbable things I could hear. Had she told me that she was an alien I wouldn't have been more shocked. "Travis and I got married, 12 years ago."

Ok, that last part was maybe worst than the first. I blink slowly, willing my head to stop spinning. This is a lot of information to take. "So you two are divorced?"

"No, not really. But I guess, somewhere you could say that." She says chuckling.

I feel all righteous rage and jealousy fuelling my veins. Is she telling me that all this time we've been together she was married to another? That I was her mistress? I'm about to give her a piece of my mine right now, but she speaks again.

"It wasn't a marriage like yours with Eddie. It was just the two of us exchanging vows in candlelight. But for us it was a wedding. So this union ended the day Travis and I broke up." She pauses. "It has lost its romantic level, but the vows remained to this day. It's like the base of our friendship now." She looks at me and understands what I was thinking, her expression gets hard as a stone as if I had just insulted her.

"I'll repeat it as many times as you'll need to hear it: I'm a faithful person. And if there was just as much as a tiny piece of this kind of feelings between Travis and I, believe me I wouldn't even have laid an eye on you." Her tone is firm and doesn't let room for argument or doubt.

Silence settles between us. Now the questions I want to ask her are more personal. But first I have to confess something to her, I don't her to think I'm playing or anything.

"I saw you interviewing Adam." I say.

"I know. You processed the scene so I knew you would see the tape."

"I saw the tape but it's not what I meant." I take a deep breath "I was in the observation room for a big part of this interview." I confess. Her eyes get wide with surprise. "I was on my way to give you Mia's results and I had to talk to Grissom. When I came into the room Greg was the one leading the interrogation. When I was kicked out of it by Ecklie Adam was on you, threatening you with a gun." I sigh "Grissom tried to kick me out of the observation room several times, before it truly got out of hand but you know me. I wouldn't listen to him."

I look at her and she just nods. "I appreciate your honesty." She says after a while.

"Those things he said, about you and your family… was it…"

"True?" She finishes my question. I nod dumbly "Yes it was... It is." She says flatly.

She looks at the window and for a moment I think she won't talk anymore. She passes a hand on her hair and then looks at me again. "I don't have linear memories of my childhood." She says. "I don't think it has always been awful. I can't pinpoint the exact moment where everything changed but somehow it did. My father was the most abusive one. My mother… she was abused by my father as well, so I think her aggressiveness came from that. Anyway my house wasn't a cradle of love. There were always arguments going on, then there were blows. And if it wasn't enough with my mom, my father would turn his anger toward my brothers and me. We tried to stick together and help each other but no matter what we did we couldn't escape our father's wrath."

Breathe, Catherine breathe.

Sara's voice is flat. It was as if she wasn't the one saying any of this.

"Howard was the older one, so when he turned 18, he went into the army, promising to get back for us when he'd have enough money. He's a general now." She says with an admiring smile. Her smile falters "He never came back on time though. He didn't have this chance."

"Devon and I never reproached him with anything. Truth was that we would have gone with him given the chance. Things got worse after he left. My father was getting tougher, and more hateful." She stops and then looks at me as if she just remembered I was there. "I was nine when my father raped me for the first time." She says without flinching. I on the other hand feel like I've just received a blow on the guts. "He quickly made a habit of it." Her eyes get a vacant expression. "And all the horrible things went on as well. You get used to it. And it's easier when you're not alone." She shrugs.

It's funny how you can never picture the worse things happening to the people you care about.

"My mother found out about the raping part. I was 13 by then. One day she told him she knew – that day Devon was out at a friend. She never talked to him like that before. I think that's the first time she truly defended herself and me. Needless to say that he didn't appreciate it. He beat her so hard I thought he had killed her. Then he turns his attention to me. My mom came back out of nowhere, she asked him to stop beating me. He turned and raised his fist to shut her up. His fist was half way up when she stabbed him. He was so surprised that he didn't react, he just fell on the floor. She straddled him and stabbed him over and over again. Blood was spattering everywhere, the blade was whistling in the air before making a funny noise when diving into the flesh. Then all the sudden she stopped, she got down from him and turned to me. I thought she would do the same to me but she caressed my cheek instead. She had this gentle face and a soft smile, but she was covered with blood so it was creepy more than anything. She told me not to worry, that he had it coming, that he deserved it, that he should have stopped when she had told him it was enough, that I was safe now and everything was going to be fine from now on."

She's telling me this story without any trace of anger or fear. Her expression is blank and her voice flat. I'm stunned to say the least. I don't know what to think and I'm having a hard time to breathe.

"The police came not long after. Apparently someone had screamed, either her or me but I couldn't tell you which one even if my life depended on it." She continues. "I went in foster care while they put my mom into a psychiatric hospital. After a while they put her in jail. Devon was already too old for foster care but not old enough to take care of me so we were apart. He lived at his best friend while I was in the system. He tried to be there for me as much as possible though."

She stops and looks away at the window. After a while she glances at me but she doesn't sustain my gaze. She gets up "Do you want something to drink?" she asks uncertain. I shake my head no, because I've lost my voice minutes ago and I'm sure that if I tried I would cry. And I don't want to do that, because she doesn't need that from me and somewhere I feel that it's not over yet.

She disappears from my vision line and takes this opportunity to close my eyes and focus myself on breathing.

Breathe Catherine, breathe.


	73. Chapter 73

**Chapter 73: Sara**

I go to the kitchen and grab a bottle of water from the fridge. I put it on the counter and go to the sink. I throw some cold water on my face to fight my urge to throw up. I have to hold on just a little more and then I'll be done. I take a deep breath and go back to my spot on the ledge of my living room window.

I told her the easiest part so far, now we're going to take an ugly road.

"As I was saying, after that I went into foster care. I met this boy Keenan, he was probably the only one who didn't treat me like a weirdo. I wasn't talking to anyone, I wouldn't let anyone less than five feet from me. But he always stayed around, looking out for me and being there for me. He reminded me of my brothers. We were sent in the same foster house. A week after our arrival the couple we were staying at had an argument. In my home an argument meant a lot of things and none of them were good, so I took my things and ran away. Keenan followed me." I stop there, I take a gulp of water to swallow the lump on my throat but it's useless.

"For the next four months and a half we lived on the streets. Keenan was a resourceful person so we always manage to have a roof above our heads."

If I had to evaluate my life I'd say that those days were the worst. Not so much about the living in the streets part. But during those days I did a lot of bad things. Things I'm ashamed of. I know I'll never be able to forgive myself for what I've done during those days.

"We survive as much as we could. I have to say that drugs and alcohol helped a lot. We were holding onto any tiny little piece of oblivion we could find. No matter what it was as long as it would anesthetized any feelings and kept us from thinking. But it's a fact everything has a price. We had to eat and take care of ourselves, and we did a lot of bad things just to get the chance to see another day." I feel nausea traveling through me just thinking about it. I lock my lips tightly and take a really deep breath.

I look at Catherine and she's a little pale, but her expression is neutral. She tilts her head and sends me the ghost of a smile. It's a reassuring gesture as if she was telling me that whatever it was it's ok to say it. How wrong can she be?

"We sold ourselves." I say in a barely audible voice. I silently beg that she won't force me to elaborate my words. But I know she heard me as loud as if I had shouted it. Her eyes give her away. "We sold ourselves to people." I repeat with a firmer voice. Then I look away because I know I won't survive to her look of disgust.

My heart is racing in my ribcage, I look at my hands and they're shaking a bit.

"At some point I tried to kill myself. So Keenan decided that it would be better for us if we returned to the foster care. We did and we're lucky they took us back. We moved from one foster house to another, sometimes we were together and sometimes we weren't. After almost a year we finally met those who would become our family: the Baileys. They had three children on their own and seven foster children – Keenan and me included. They were generous people. I always thought that the life I had in my house with my parents was the same for everyone, well the Baileys taught me that it was wrong. Keenan and I had a hard time because of our drug habits but they helped us with that, they never judged us or rejected us."

I can't help but smile when I think of my foster parents. "Studying became like a drug for me. It would keep my mind busy, and away from all those things I'd done and all my memories and fears. I got a scholarship to Harvard. Then I met Travis. And against all odds we became friends. But I felt dead inside and one day I couldn't take it anymore and…" I can't bring myself to say it so I hold my wrist in the air and show my scars "And I made those to myself. If Travis didn't have this gut feeling to come back to my room this day… well let's just say you and I would have never met."

I take a shaky breath. "He taught me how to live, we became lovers, we 'married', we almost made a family and after six years together we broke up. Two years after that Grissom call me for a favor, and I came to Vegas. Then we met and you know the rest of the story."

I swallow hard and look at her. "So this is me. My name's Sara Sidle, my father was an abusive man and a rapist; my mother is a killer; I used to be a whore and a drug addict; I used to have suicidal tendencies; I have troubles with relationships; I'm a CSI level 3, and this was my story."

I turn myself to the window and watch life passing before my eyes. Life of strangers, neighbors. I lost myself into this sight which is so plain when you think about it. I wish for a second that I was one of them, but then I think that their lives might be as shitty as mine so there's really no point switching places.

I made it, I told her everything about me. Congratulations to me. No matter what happens now I'm a little proud of myself because I've stopped hiding, I've faced my past without flinching. I did the right thing, I know it. I also know that doing the right thing don't always lead to happy endings.

I hear movement besides me. I don't need to turn to know what's happening. I hear footsteps, I hear the door being opened and closed.

I grab my knees to my chest and bury my head in my arms. After a moment the door opens itself again and this time I hear the distinctive metallic sound of keys bumping into one another. I can't help the hot tears wetting my face but I don't lift my head up from it's resting place.

It was a risk to take. It's over.

Suddenly I feel my hand being pulled gently and something cold is pushed in it. I lift my head and see a set of keys in my hand. "They're yours." Catherine's voice says. I lift my head a little more and sure she's there looking at me. Not with disgust or anger or any of the emotions I thought she would have toward me after the tell tale of my life. Not any of the emotion I have for myself right now. If nothing she's looking at me with tenderness, affection and possibly more.

"They're yours." She repeats looking at me intently "And when you're ready, I want you to come back home."

I stare at her with my tear filled eyes and wonder if she's really there speaking to me or if I'm making up all this in my head. She reaches out to put back one of my lock behind my ear. It's a delicate touch but I flinch so much I feel dirty. She doesn't say anything or get mad.

"I'll be waiting for you home." She says and with that she stands and leave.

I look at the keys in my hand and close my fist on it. And then everything catches up with my brain and I break up, and cry like a baby.

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** Ok, I know it was short but I'm glad to say that I'll be back with more very soon, hope you weren't too disappointed ;)**

**Thanks for reading.**


	74. Chapter 74

**Hey look at this... an update just two days after the precedent. :) Well I'm happy you liked the cofrontation. And your reviews touched me as always, thank you very much. **

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps:** Casara**, hey you make it sound like I was evil or something... I'm not... well just a little but still... ;)**

bene**, I'm really touched ;)**

Axiegirl21**, you'll have to be patient on this one...in case it ever happens that is... :p**

SVUTWFBgurl**, I hear you and I take note of that ;)**

gt4good**, good luck ;) and I did have fun this week end!**

Chione JoJo, Gryffindor620** glad you liked the last chapters ;)**

Madalyn, **well I'd like to go on for ever but everything has to end someday right? But don't worry we're still a few chapter from the end ;)**

scubysnak**, well we'll see if I can surprise you again ;)... as long as you don't slack off on your side I'll update to finish this (sounds like a deal...) and no, one or two more chapters won't be enough to finish this story... I like to do thing properly (you know me ;) )**

Jackie O - for you just Jackie**, I'm really touched that you did ( makes me feel special...lol :) )**

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Chapter 74: Catherine **

I'm sitting on the stairs at the entrance of Sara's building. It's like all my body had turned into heavy lead. I can't think of anything, I can't move. I'm not even sure this isn't a big dream or nightmare.

Some undetermined time after my exit of Sara's apartment, Travis' running figure appears in front of me. He's sweaty and out of breath. I think he took him only ten minutes to get here. It's funny but I don't think he would have taken more time had it been an ocean between him and Sara.

I called him once Sara had finished telling her story. At first I didn't know what to do. I wanted to take her in my arms and comfort her and tell her so many things. Yet somewhere I knew that I wasn't the one she needed. So I did the right thing I guess, I called Travis. And here he is panting in front of me. He's looking at me with a concerned look though.

"I left her inside." I state after a moment, He just nods. "I don't think she should be alone right now. In fact I know that she needs you right now."

"How do you feel?" He simply asks.

"I..." I start but then shake my head because I don't know the answer to that question. He wordlessly envelops me in a warm comforting hug. I give in without second thoughts.

"Do something for me. Take a deep breath." He says and I obey "Hold it and empty your head from everything." I close my eyes and do as he says. "Now let it all go."

It effectively calms me. He holds me a bit more and then releases me. "You'll be ok to get back home?"

"I think so." I answer.

"Get some rest." He advices me and I nod in response.

"Go to her, she needs you."

To my surprise he leans down and kisses my forehead. Then he runs past me to Sara.

xxxxx

I got back home four hours ago. I took a shower to relax but it didn't work. I tried to sleep but Morpheus denied me, so I settled for watching a movie – a bad one preferably, that way I can occupy my mind with all the absurd parts of it or the really cheap dialogues.

My ring bells and I wonder who that could be. I get up from my couch and go answering the door. I'm shocked for about five seconds to find Travis on the other side but I recover quickly. I invite him in without a word.

"I got your address from the phone book. I hope you don't mind me being here." He explains softly.

"No, it's okay." I assure him "How is she?"

"She's sleeping."

"What if she wakes up? I mean if you're not there…" I trail off knowing he would understand me nonetheless.

"She won't. I gave her sleeping pills otherwise she wouldn't make it." He states "The nightmares." He adds. I nod knowing what he means.

"Do you want some coffee?" I ask.

"I'd like that."

We set ourselves in the kitchen. He watches me silently as I make the coffee. I find his silent presence oddly comforting. He's standing near the island, and I can feel his gaze on me. I turn around, facing him while the pot is getting ready.

Once again I'm thinking about Sara and her past. I feel lost, like I've never did before. There's this weight on my chest making it hard to breathe. Sara's words are echoing in my head again, and I want to scream out of rage for what she's been through, out of frustration for not being able to reach her, out of anger against all those people who hurt her.

I feel pain running under my skin. It's strange really. Because I'm not the one who has had to put up with this, to go through it, yet I'm hurting.

The sound of footsteps takes me out of my thoughts. Wordlessly Travis comes to me and stops inches from me. I'm confused by his move but I don't get time to think too much about it because he's pulling me toward him in a hug. He's holding my tightly and there's a feeling of safety radiating from him, invading me instantly. I don't know why but my mind wanders to the first time Sara gave me a hug in the locker room after a fight with Lindsey.

I find myself crying with gut wrenching sobs, letting all this suffering go. My arms snake to Travis' back and I hold him fiercely because he keeps me grounded. He doesn't say anything, just holds me silently. I take all the comfort and affection I can out of his embrace until my sobs subside. He doesn't release me from his embrace quite now though. He waits for my grip on his shirt to loosen, sign that I'm ready to face the world again.

When I'm ready he pulls back to look at me without breaking the contact. He silently asks me if I'm ok with his eyes, I nod shyly. He delicately puts a lock of hair behind my ear before kissing my crown affectionately, I can't help but closing my eyes at the contact. Then he breaks the contact and takes a sit on one of the kitchen chair.

I sniff and pass my hands on my cheeks to erase my tears. I take a few deep breaths and once the coffee is ready I pour us two mugs and sit next to him.

"Thank you." He says politely when I offer him his mug.

Silence gets pregnant for a moment. We're drinking our coffee silently. I gather my thoughts before talking.

"So… you're here to know how it went?" I ask tentatively.

"No. Actually I'm here to know if you're alright." He answers honestly with a soft smile. He takes a moment to think and then looks at me again "I know that it's a draining experience for both the talker and the listener. I know Sunshine and I don't need to talk to her to know how she's doing. I don't know you, but I know that it wasn't easy for you too." He states with a calm voice.

He's right and truth to be told I'm glad he came. Those things have been pressuring my chest, making it hard to breathe. I need to talk about it but I just can't nor want to break Sara's confidence so except for Travis, everyone is out.

I don't really know where to start. Then I don't know why but his metaphor comes back in my mind so I decide to go with it "I'm in the fortress, I guess." I look at him and he's watching patiently, waiting for me to go on. There's the ghost of a smile on his face so I know he understands my reference.

"It was hard. I was like receiving a bunch of blows in the stomach. All the while I had to keep reminding myself to breathe. I knew she hadn't had a bright past but this…I'm at lost of words to qualify this." I try to order my thoughts for a moment "I have to be honest, those were hard words to take in. But only because it hurts to see her hurting, to know that she's been hurt so much. It also explained a lot of things."

Now, I'm starting to connect the dots. Her behavior, her reactions, now every things make sense, the puzzle is slowly completing itself.

"We hate seeing the people we care about, the people we love, hurting." He states.

"She thought I would turn my back on her and never look back." Just thinking about it makes me choke with tears "How could I? How could I even entertain the mere thought of turning my back on her?" I exclaim. "She's been through hell and yet she's someone truly good. Sure she has defaults but she's good."

We see so many people who blame and use their past as an excuse for having made monsters of them. But Sara is the living proof that you can cross hell and still be a good person coming out of it.

"Who am I to judge? Nobody. She did choices to survive, how could I blame her for surviving?" I continue my ranting and Travis lets me doing it without protesting or without interruption as if he knew that I had to do this by myself. "I made choices too. I'm not proud of all my past but in the end that's all it is, my past. I don't regret the choices I've made, they made me who I am today. Just like Sara's past made her who she is today. She's the one I'm in love with, madly so. I'm in love with her and I'm no fool. So there's not a snowball chance in hell that I'll ever let her go." I say firmly.

"There's a hard way in front of you now." Travis says. "She won't the same, now it's the real deal. It will be hard and you'll have to endure a lot before she can give you what you want. It took you a lot to get to know her, the real her. But, trust me it will take you a lot more to love her and to get her to love you back like you want her to. You're in for a lot of pain, so you better ask yourself if this is really what you want."

I stop, trying to order my thoughts "I told her that I'd be waiting for her to come back here, home. And if I have to wait three years for her to cross that doorway, then I'll wait. And if I have to spend a lifetime to chase her to make her see how much I love her, I'll do it. There's absolutely nothing that will keep me from doing everything to have her in my life, to build a family with her and love her and getting old with her."

I sound extreme to you, don't I? Well the day you'll fine the one you truly love, that day trust me, moving a mountain will be the simplest thing to do.

"I'm glad to hear it." He says but his expression is neutral. "Sunshine trusts you, so do I. I give you credit for being a good person. I don't suppose you gave yourself so much trouble just to know her darkest secrets." He stops and scrutinizes me for a moment "Now you have all the meanings to break her down with just a snap of your fingers, I guess you're aware of that. But if you ever use this as a leverage on her, if you ever use this to hurt her" he waits to be sure he has my undivided attention, his expression is hard, making his threat more heavy "If you ever do this, you'll have to deal with me. And I guarantee you that it won't be pleasant." There's a silent rage burning through his eyes saying 'just so you try to hurt her', his seriousness and cold expression are scary.

I sustain his gaze because I want him to know that I'm serious about this. I want him to know that I'm worthy of his trust.

"I'll never hurt her intentionally. I can't predict the future, but if things turn sour between her and I, I won't use her past against her. Trust me I can be a world class bitch when I want to hurt people but I don't need to dig in the mud to do it. I'll never break her confidence either. If nothing the only way I'll use this is to love her better." I answer him looking at him straight in the eyes letting him know that I mean everything I said.

"Like I said I trust you, until you prove me wrong that is. Now you've been warned." He says firmly.

I nod at his statement and his expression softens a little. In other circumstances I would have been pissed and I would have torn him into pieces. But this is Sara we're talking about here, and I can understand his protectiveness and I didn't expect any less from him.

"I want to be just like you." I say. Confusion clouds his features "I want to erase her pain, I want to be her knight in shinning armor." He chuckles at that and his eyes light up a bit.

We share a comfortable silence, sipping our coffee. I take this opportunity to study Travis. Somewhere he's just like Sara, silent, strong, reliable and generous – among other things.

"Mind if I ask you a question?" I say. He shakes his head no. "It never bothered you that she likes women?"

He frowns at this "Why should it?"

"It shouldn't. It's just that most of the men feel offended in their manhood when one of there lover falls for the other sex."

"Women tend to be offended in their womanhood when one of there lover falls for the other sex." He counters.

"Fair point." I say with a smirk.

"Gender is a meaningless concept except for medicine." He says with a grin. "I want Sunshine to be happy. And if her happiness comes in the shape of a woman, I don't see why I should object to it." Then he gets lost in thoughts. Something catches my eyes around his neck.

"You've kept it as well." I state. He comes out of his reverie and looks at me puzzled. "You're ring." I mention nodding toward the silver circle dangling from a chain.

"Yeah, this way we're always connected." He answers with a soft smile. He gets lost in thoughts for a moment and then gets back to me. "I'd better go. I wish I could stay a while longer but..."

"I know." I cut him off with a smile. He came here which was really thoughtful of him, after all he didn't have to. Then I know that Sara is his priority, I'm glad to know that she's not alone. "It's ok, don't worry. I'll be fine, I'm already a little bit better thanks to you."

We stand from our chairs and I walk him to the door. "Thanks for coming by. I really needed this." I tell him.

"You're welcome." He initiates a hug and kisses my forehead for the second time. I give in gladly. Now I know where Sara's habit comes from. He pulls back, smiles once more and leaves without another word.

I feel like a weight had been lift from my chest. I feel drained, so I decide to go to bed and hopefully I'll be able to have some sleep.

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**Oki doki, that's it for today but you won't have to wait long before the next update, promise.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	75. Chapter 75

**Hi, I'm very very sorry everyone my computer just died on me (I'm actually writing on the one of a friend of mine) this really suck and I'm really sorry for the delay! Anyway here are three more chapters they're short I know but I needed to write those besides they're light mooded anyway I'll come back for more as soon as I can but things really suck!! Again I'm sorry for the delay. Thanks for your reviews you guys rock!!**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps:** JoJo** yes it ain't over just yet!**

scubysnak**, don't you go anywhere I'm back and I had a good reason not to update... stupid computer!**

Madalyn**, I guess you can have some rest after this but I'll try not to kill you with insomnia I'm not that cruel ;)**

ACertainJustice**, glad to have you back ;)**

Jackie**, I try to be regular on my update but luck is against me lately but hey don't worry ;) (your english is good don't worry, besides it can get any worse than mine...lol)**

laura1888 Kess**, welcome on board ;)**

Casara**, I was just teasing I know what you mean about being evil, I feel the same when I have to wait for scubysnak to update (no there is no subliminal message for you here scubysnak... it's written in plain english!! lol just kidding! ;) )**

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**Chapter 75: Sara**

I open my eyes and see rays of light bathing my bedroom through my blinds. I had a heavy restless sleep, but it didn't erase my memories. I have a big headache from my crying. A soft hand starts caressing my forehead.

"Here drink up." I close my eyes at Travis comforting voice. I take the mug he's handing me and use it to swallow the pain killers. Yummy, cold milk. Sometime I still get amazed by the fact that he knows me so well. He crouches to be on my eye level. I grin as soon as I see his soft expression. He simply caresses my face and lean in to kiss my forehead. Then he takes back the empty mug and gets out of the room. I take a few more moment to be coherent enough to get up myself and joining him in the living room.

There's a plate waiting for me but I'm not that hungry. I sit in front of it nonetheless. Travis and I share a comfortable silence. I know he won't talk before I do, he knows me well to know that right now is thinking time.

I told Catherine everything about me. There are only two persons that know as much as she does: Travis and Keenan, for obvious reasons. And now, she's an official member of this very closed off club. Once I was on my tracks it was pretty easy, all I had to do was not thinking about anything but being honest with her and with myself. It wasn't easy remembering it all – not that I ever truly forget any of those things, but the words were flowing once I started.

I'm glad I came clean to her though. She's my second real lover. Sure I've been around, I had fun with a lot of people, but I never truly loved them. Travis and Catherine are the exception. I loved Travis a long time ago, and now I love Catherine and I know that no matter what happens from now on I'll never stop.

I lift my head up and meet Travis insistent glare. "I'm not hungry." I answer his silent request.

"Sunshine you know the rules."

"I know but I'm really not hungry."

"Sara, humor me." Travis says exasperated.

I chuckle "It's funny you know, I can count on my hands the times you actually call me by my name."

"Yeah, I only do this when you're too…"

"Stubborn for my own good." I finish his sentence and chuckle again. He shakes his head with a mock glare. I sigh "Fine." I start eating a bit and he gets a shit eating smile on his lips.

After my quick breakfast I go shower and when I'm all freshen up I join Travis in the living room again.

"You're leaving soon." I state after a moment of silence.

"Yep. My work here is done."

"Everything went well?"

"Oh yeah, maybe I'll come later next year for a new contract with the company." Travis reply with a grin.

"I'm glad it worked." I get up from the couch and stand in front of him, I extend my hand to him "Come on, let's have our pillow time." He grins and takes my hand as I lead the both of us in my bedroom. We lay down on the bed and face each other. Then we start talking about memories at first and then about everything. It's a habit between us, having pillow talks. Usually we have more than one but this time it was different, but all that matters is that we're having our pillow talk.

"I told her everything." I finally say. We were sharing silence for a moment and now I feel ready to talk about my time with Catherine. "Absolutely everything." I repeat. Travis is looking at me silently. "I'm glad I came clean. Not that it was easy but I'm glad I did." And it's true I am. "You know it's funny because she didn't bolt or anything. She just stayed there listening to me silently. And when I thought she was going away for good she came to me and gave me back my set of key from her house, saying she'll be waiting for me home. I hate myself for what I did, but you don't, neither does she. I'll never understand that."

"There's nothing to understand. You just have to accept that."

"I know. She's still willing to try to have something with me. I'm ecstatic about it but I'm scare to death. What if I can't make her happy? What if it doesn't work?"

"Do you remember the day I had to pass this huge exam and I had to expose my report to a jury?" Travis says out of the blue.

I think and try to remember what he's talking about "Yeah, I do. You were so nervous that you were sick, we had to stop three times on the road and once we were there you were sick again."

"You said it. I was scared, like never before. And something like ten minutes before I went in you reassured me. You quote some man whose name is escaping me but you said 'bravery is not the absence of fear, but the realization that there's things more important than fear itself' or something like that. I have to tell you that it didn't soothe me on the instant but then I got in the room where the jury was waiting for me and it all came clear. Sure I was afraid of failing but then I thought about you. You, waiting for me on the corridor; you who were proud of me no matter how it went; you the one I was in love with; you the one who was always supporting me. Then I looked at my ring and I held onto those thoughts of you and made my report. That day you were more important than my fear, than my success or failure."

He smiles to me and caresses my face with a soft hand. "I giving you back this advice now. Sure love is a scary thing. I won't lie it's painful and scary and it's a hard and endless work in progress. But think about what it brings you everyday, about the love you receive, about the family you build and more. Then you'll see that it's ok to be scared, and it worth everything and more."

"What would I do without you?" I ask with tear filled eyes. He smiles but doesn't answer. I snuggle closer to him and put my head on his shoulder. His arm comes automatically resting on my back. "Did you ever ask yourself what our lives would be today had things been different?"

"You mean if…"

"Yes." I reply before he finishes his sentence. I told Catherine, Travis and I had tried making a family. Well, it wasn't planed but I got pregnant. It was scary and if Travis hadn't been with me to quiet my fears and insecurities I would have had an abortion because I didn't believe myself to be a good mother. Anyway we tried but unfortunately I miscarried. Sometime I think about what my life would have been if it had worked.

"I did. And I'm certain we would be a happy family. I mean, look at us now. We're happy, so I'm sure we would have been happy with our children."

"Children?" I ask surprised.

"Yeah, when we were together my dream was to make a big family with you." He says and even if I can't see his face I know he's sporting a big grin right now. I feel his lips on my crown "Lady Luck don't always play on your team I guess. Anyway like I said I don't regret anything." He sighs.

"You know, if I have a child and if it's a boy, I'll call him Callum." I say after a long silence. I feel Travis tightening his embrace around me in a grateful gesture. Callum was the name of Travis' grandfather. He was a great man, I used to have long talk and play chess with him. He and I would debate for hours, he was really an interesting man and he taught me and Travis a lot about life. He passed away two years ago. I'll always be grateful to had the chance to met such a man.

"I named my daughter after you, you know." Travis says with a wavering voice.

"Travis, your daughter's named Jane." I say with confusion after a moment.

"Are you telling me it's not your name? Oh man!" Travis teases me. We laugh and he speaks again "I'm not stupid you smartass, and her name is Sara Jane actually."

"I'm touched and honored." I say once I get over my shock, truly moved by this revelation. I lift my head up and kiss him on his cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too Sunshine."

We let silence wrapping itself around us just enjoying the closeness.

"Thanks for being here earlier." I say. Then something hits me "You didn't go with Jaimie?"

"Of course I did."

"Then how did you know when to come back? How come you were there at the exact moment I needed you?"

"I have super powers." He states seriously, earning himself a light and playful fist on his stomach "Catherine called me."

"She did?" I think about it and now I remember that she went out a first time.

"I went at her place while you were sleeping." He confesses "I went to see if she was ok."

I lift my head and look at him "Thank you." I simply answer. It unsettles me a bit, but then I'm glad he looked after her. "Thank you for being there for her." He just nods.

We spend some more time talking and then end up taking a nap in each others arms.

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**Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.  
-- Ambrose Redmoon **


	76. Chapter 76

**Chapter 76: Catherine**

The phone rings getting me out of my nap with Lindsey. I pick it up quickly before it wakes her up – although I honestly think that even an earthquake couldn't do such a thing.

"Hello?"

_"Cath?"_ There hesitation in the voice but there's no doubt about it Sara's. _"Hey, it's Sara."_

"Hey." I simply answer with a warm voice, letting her know that it's ok she called.

_"I was calling to know if you had plan for tomorrow. Travis is leaving and I'm organizing a little get together with the boys and you're more than welcome with Lindsey of course. So…"_

"Sure I'd like that." I say without hesitation. Ok so it's not what I was expecting, but still I'm happy. I mean it's been four days we've had our great talk and after that I knew the next moves were to come from her. Well here's the first one.

_"Great. Well it will start with a breakfast at home and then we'll have a quick picnic at the park."_

"Sounds like fun. When should we be there?"

_"10 would be perfect. I'll see you then."_

"Ok bye."

I hang up and resume my nap with Lindsey – who hasn't move from an inch – as I close my eyes I can't help but feel warmth of bliss surrounding me.

xxxxx

Lindsey and I arrive ten minutes after 10 in front of Sara's door. I was a bit nervous and excited, so much that I couldn't wait to be there and if it hadn't been for Lindsey I'd had been there a long time ago. I knock on the door and to my surprise it's Greg who answers it.

"Hey Cath! Hey Linds! Come on in!" He greet us.

We enter Sara's apartment which is filled with Warrick, Brass, Grissom, and Doc Robbins so far. Sara and Travis are nowhere in sight though. We greet everyone and Lindsey leaves my side to go play with Greg at some video game. Nick arrives ten minutes and join us around the coffee table. I find out that I was the only one not to know Travis before. It turns out that everyone has met him on the different times he came visiting Sara. When I think about it either I wasn't on good terms with Sara, either I had plan with Lindsey or my boyfriend, when the get together had been set.

"Where are they?" I ask the guys.

"In the bathroom." Warrick answers.

"What are they doing in there?" I continue.

"Sara's dying his hair." Grissom answers with a grin. Ok, I'm getting more confused each passing second. I'm about to ask why Sara would do such a thing when Nick beats me to it.

"Oh man, he lost again didn't he?" Nick exclaims.

"She made him bite the dust." Doc giggles.

"They have a game going on and whoever loses has a dare. They play every time they see each other." Warrick elaborates. Now it all comes back to me. I remember the first set was during our first breakfast together .

"Hey at last." We hear Greg exclaiming, we turn around and find Sara and Travis coming into the living room. Travis his wearing a towel around his hair.

"Hello everyone." Sara says smiling brightly "Sorry for the delay."

"Come on let's see what you did to him." Grissom says with enthusiasm. He's like a little boy happy to have played a trick.

Sara pulls on the towel and reveals rather shinny colors on Travis head. We all make a big effort not to laugh but boy it is hard. Travis starts to look at us with apprehension "That bad?" he asks uncertain. When he doesn't get any answer he turns to Sara "What have you done to me Sunshine?" He asks in a mock threat.

"Oh nothing special. Really it's not bad." She says with a straight face.

"Guy?" Travis asks us again.

"Oh it's really… nice." I say barely suppressing a giggle.

"Yeah man, it suits you." Warrick adds and everyone nods and agree with him in a choir of 'totally', 'absolutely', and 'sure', and such eloquent answer. Suddenly we hear Lindsey exploding into a laughter. So far she's been containing herself with a cushion but seems like she's reached her limits.

"Sunshine what color did you put onto my head?" Travis asks before moving back to the bathroom. A long silence ensue where everyone waits for his reaction.

"HOLY….SHE DIDN'T!! SUNSHINE!!" Travis screams.

We all look at each other "I think he likes it." Brass states and we all burst into laughter. Travis stomps back into the living room.

"Pink and purple!!" He says pointing a finger at his head.

"Oh come on it's nice on you." Sara says with a grin.

"Nice?! You think it's nice?!! Pink and purple Sunshine!! Pink and purple!!" He protests only making us laugh more. "I am so going to get you back for this." He says advancing toward her with determination.

"Travis don't do this." Sara says. But he keeps on his way. "Travis." She says moving behind the coffee table.

"Two words: pink and purple." He repeats.

"Oh you want to play like this, fine. One word: washable." Sara comes back. I smile knowing what she's talking about, the tattoo on her ankle.

"I can't believe you're always bringing this one onto the table!"

"Yeah well you lose and feel yourself lucky because you won't stay like this for ever." Sara says giggling. Everyone is looking at the exchange laughing hard.

"Ok, fine, you're right." Travis says giving up. "On the other hand…" He says before jumping onto Sara. They struggle and he tickles her so much that she's laughing almost to choking point. He keeps on like this for a moment and only stop when she's as red as a tomato.

After this little interlude we have a nice breakfast together. Everyone is talking and enjoying themselves. And right at this moment it feels like we were attending a family reunion. Brass, Grissom and Doc leave after the breakfast, Doc having to get home to his wife and kids, Brass and Grissom being on call they wanted to get some rest.

We stay at Sara's apartment for a while. I watch them playing at Mario kart on Sara's gamecube. They're like kids and I'm proud to say that Lindsey is the only on to stay undefeated.

Around noon we head to the park not far from Sara's place and we improvise a football game here. It's Sara, Travis, Lindsey and I against the guy. We almost win but Greg makes an impressive run to the goal and take the victory. After that we have lunch and talk nicely on the grass.

"I hate to break it to you guys but I have to head home and get some rest because I'm on call tonight." Nick announces.

"Yeah me too." Warrick adds.

So we decide to head back to Sara's place. Sara looks at Travis with a smile and offers his back to her "I guess some things never change." He says as she jumps on his back. "Ooff. I take that back, some things do change." He teases her.

She pretends to be offended "Are you calling me fat?" She asks.

"No, not at all. Actually I'm calling myself less athletic." He replies, earning himself a playful slap on the head. We all laugh at this.

"Yeah, move on smart boy."

xxxxx

We arrive at Sara's twenty minutes later. We all get in the apartment and sit where we find place.

"Hey guys why don't you stay here to catch some rest?" Sara proposes.

"You're sure girl?" Warrick asks.

"Of course, there's my bedroom, the spare room, and the couch. We're going to head out again anyway so make yourselves home." She answers with a smile. "Greg you have your spare keys with you?" She asks and he nods in answer "Then everything is perfect."

The guys prepare themselves for sleep and tell us goodbye as we head out again. This time we take Sara's car and Travis asks to have a tour of Vegas. We spend a nice afternoon together. But all too soon the time to go at the airport comes. Lindsey and Sara are having a great discussion in front of us while Travis and I are walking silently behind them.

"I wasn't joking the other day. There's a hard road ahead." He suddenly says. "She might go through some… phases, and you might not recognize her for a while."

I nod "I told you, I'm not going anywhere and I'll give whatever it'll take."

"I'm glad to hear that." He says with a relieved smile.

We arrive at the gate leading to his plane so we stop walking and prepare ourselves for the goodbyes. Sara looks extremely sad but tries not to let it show.

Travis kneels down in front of Lindsey first to be at her eye level. "I was happy to meet you Lindsey. You're a great girl, full of spirit and really fun." He produces a package from his bag and gives her "Sunshine told me you were a good reader, I hope you'll like it." He says with a smile. Lindsey looks happy for the gift.

"Thank you Sir… I mean Travis."

"You're welcome." He hugs her and kisses her forehead. Then he stands up and turns to me "I was really glad meeting you at last."

"Yeah me too. I wish I had taken the time to know you a little more though." I say a bit ashamed at the fact that I never really gave him a chance until lately.

"Don't worry about that I'm sure it's just the beginning for us."

"I hope you're right." I say before hugging him tight.

"Take a good care of her." He whispers into my ear.

"I promise I will." And with that we part. We have talked a bit more earlier and he has let me his numbers and address in case I really needed it.

Now he turns to Sara and somehow I can't wait to see how they're going to say goodbye to each other.


	77. Chapter 77

**Chapter 77: Sara**

Travis turns to me and we share our last silence. Then he tilts his head and smile softly. "You know I won't leave without it." He states looking at me expectantly.

"I know." I reply with a neutral expression.

"Come on Sunshine, be nice. You know I hate this moment as much as you do." He begs me.

I've always hated telling him goodbye because it always feels like a break up. We've made this tradition not to leave each other without a smile. Because if it was the last time at least we would have this. Travis is looking at me more intently "Sunshine, come on." He pleads again. "You know I'll stay here until I get it even if that means missing my plane." He says with a smile but I know he's not joking.

"Well it's good because I don't want you to leave." I say honestly.

"Don't make me do this." He whines, but I still don't comply. "Sunshine, I think my hair color is making me ridiculous enough. Look at me I'm pink and purple." He says making a funny face. I can't help but giggling, but I manage to keep a partially straight face.

I compose myself quickly "So close yet so far." I tease him.

"Fine, you asked for it." He says before dropping his backpack onto the floor next to his suitcase. "Smile…" He starts to sing. Oh god, please tell me he won't do this! "When your heart is aching…smile… even though it's breaking…" He's dancing and bouncing all around. As he keeps singing he catches the attention of people but he doesn't care and don't leave my eyes all the while.

I can't help it more longer and when he starts the second verse I burst into laughing as he impersonates Charlie Chaplin "…although a tear will be ever so near…" He comes to me, makes me turn around with him and then throws me backward making me laugh harder. He brings me back to him and caresses gently my cheek "…smile… what's the use of crying?… you'll see your life is still worth while…" He kneels in front of me a hand on his heart the other holding mine. "…if you just smile."

I smile brightly at him as he bends forward to kiss my hand, while all the bystanders applaud him. He stands up in front of me. "Look what you made me do." I accuse him, mentioning my big goofy smile.

"Here come the sun." He replies happy with himself.

Finally I hug him tightly and he returns the gesture. "Remember, no matter what's between us, mountains, oceans, hell even galaxies, I'm right beside you." He whispers to me. I nod, afraid I'll just cry if I tried to speak. We tighten the embrace and he lifts me up from the ground a bit.

He releases me not totally breaking the contact. He kisses my forehead and then lets me go. He takes his bags and starts to walk away. I don't turn around, I just hold the ring around my neck and breathe deeply. Our linked hands disentangle themselves and then he's gone.

xxxxx

Music is playing softly on the radio as I ride Catherine back home. I fill myself with this long lost feeling of a family. Me and Catherine on the front listening to Cake on the back telling her about her day. Cake seems happy with today and I'm glad for that.

"I'm happy you came today, really. It meant very much for me." I say warmly to Catherine.

"Thanks for inviting me, I had a great time." She answers with a smile.

"Yeah me too, Travis is so cool!" Cake adds.

I kill the engine when we reach Catherine's driveway. "Thanks for the drive." She says. Then an awkward silence falls between us.

"Thanks for taking us home Sara." Cake says leaning toward me a kissing me on the cheek. "Mom can I open the door?" She asks casually. Catherine and I both know that she's just offering us an opportunity to have a little intimacy. Catherine wordlessly hands the keys to Cake "Thanks mom, bye Sara." She says getting out of the car.

There's a part of me that's want to stay with them and then there's this other part which know that I'm not quite ready yet. Catherine and I are staring at each other looking for something to say. I take a deep breath "Can I call you tomorrow or the day after?" I ask feeling a bit stupid when my brain catches up with my words.

"Sure, I'd like that." Catherine answers with a soft smile. I release a breath I wasn't conscious of holding. "Well thanks again for today. I'll go catch some rest hoping to sweet talk Lindsey into doing the same."

"Good luck with that, I think her sugar high hasn't worn off yet." I joke.

"Tell me about it." She chuckles. She undoes her seatbelt and after a split second of hesitation she leans in a delivers a warm kiss on my cheek, letting her lips linger there. I close my eyes losing myself into the sensation, I think I've died on the spot. She pulls back and I open my eyes again, meeting her soft expression "See you soon." She opens the door, gets out of the car and turns to me one last time "Take care." An with that she's gone.

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**Ok that's it for today I'm sorry it was short but it was all about sending Travis home... Anyway I'll try to come back as soon as I can. The song was 'smile' From Charlie Chaplin. ;)**

**Thanks for reading**


	78. Chapter 78

**Hey, hey I manage to get back though my PC is still dead. I'm not really satisfy with this chapter but...Anyway, thanks for your kind reviews!**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: **Chione**, Yes I'm french. Merci pour ces quelques mots en français ça me touche beacoup ;) ... sorry I made Travis go but hey...  
**

Jackie**, danke schön ;) Ich lerne Deutsch... But I'm not good at it so I'll stick with english. Don't worry about ansgt I still have some in my pocket. **

ana**, désolé mais je ne pouvais pas garder Travis ad eternam **

chimp1984**, thanks for the review glad to know you're giddy about it ...lol... watch out though if even your toes are up you might fall on your... well you know :D (ok bad joke)  
**

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**Chapter 78: Catherine**

So it's been a little more than three weeks since Travis left and Sara has been calling me at least once a day. I'm glad really, because I feel like we're moving, at last. My mood has improved and I'm on my back to happiness. I'm a little worried though, because Sara is holding back a little, concerning our relationship or her feelings. Sure we're talking again, but I don't feel like she actually wants us to be lovers again which is bothering me a bit. I try to convince myself that she needs time but deep inside I know I'm worried time won't change a thing.

We had a gruesome case today, a mother killed herself and her three children. I hate shift like this and today I've bitten the head off practically all of the building. I can't wait to go home and call Lindsey – she's on a school trip.

"Willows." I answer with a cold tone letting know whoever this is that now is not the time to mess around with me.

"_Sounds like I have a bad timing today. Do you want me to call you back later?" _ Sara's gentle voice asks me.

"Actually you couldn't have a better timing." I answer with a more relax and warm voice.

_"Bad shift?" _ She asks.

"You have no idea. I can't wait for it to end." I sigh.

_Y"ou want to talk about it?" _ Sara asks with concern.

"I had a gruesome case, trust me you don't want to know about it." I shake my head not wanting my mind to wander back to the scene. "How are you doing?" I decide to changer the subject.

_"I'm fine thanks. I slept alright and so far my day is going smoothly." _

"You're bored out of your skull aren't you?" I chuckle.

_"Yes I am. Time off is a drag." _ She sighs heavily.

"I envy you. I wish I could have just one hour to myself right now. There are three hours left on this shift and I can't think of anything else but…"

_"A warm bath, with some candles, smooth music on the background, and a pot of your favorite ice cream." _

"Are you a mind reader?" I ask seriously surprised that she has described exactly what was on my mind to the detail.

_"No, I just had a hunch." _ She says, and I can picture her smiling.

"Well that's exactly what I'd like right now. But I'm stuck here with paperwork, poor me." I whine.

_"Hang on, it's almost over." _

"That doesn't really cheer me up." I pout.

_"You want to hear something good?" _ Though I can't see her I know she has her full on gap-toothed smile on her lips.

"Shoot."

_"I spoke to Travis today and he was as happy as a five year old boy on Christmas." _

"Don't tell me, he has finally got his hair color back." I joke.

_"Well no, not yet. But he might be a father again. It's not confirmed but Karen is probably pregnant."_

"Hey that's a great new!"

_"Tell me about it. He was so excited you should have heard him. Oh and by the way he hopes you're alright and he sends you his best. He said you could call him every now and then just to give some news, and he'd like to know if Lindsey liked her book." _

"I'll call him then." I answer. I'm about to say something else when there's a knock on my door. "Hang on a second." I tell Sara, I ask to come in and Nick appears with Warrick at his sides. Duty is calling me back. I motion them to give two more minutes and they mouth to me to say hi to Sara before they close the door again. "Warrick and Nick tell you hi." I say.

_"Ok. Tell them I'll call them later. I guess you have to go right?" _

"Yes I have." I say in defeat. "I'm really glad you called."

_"It's nothing, I wanted to call you." _

"Yeah, well it means a lot to me. You have no idea how good it is to hear you. Your voice always soothed me and today is no exception. So I'm really glad you called because I needed this badly." I confess.

There's a log silence. I've been open on my feelings since we've started to talk again and generally Sara just stays silent, not letting me know what she thinks._ "You're welcome." _ She finally says.

"I really have to go, I'm sorry."

_"Don't worry it's ok. I'll talk to you soon." _ She says _"Bye." _

"Bye." I reply and with that she hangs up.

xxxxx

"Come in." I shout at the door. There's still two hours left before I can go home and I'm really cranky. I lift my head up and see a delivery man at my doorstep holding a bouquet of flowers.

"Miss Willows?" He asks. I just nod. "Where should I put those?"

I make some space on my desk and motion him to put the bouquet here. I sign his paper and then he says goodbye and leave. I turn my attention to the bouquet and find the card attached to it. I can help but smile as I recognize Sara's writing. 'Two hours left, hang on.' and she has drawn a smiley next to her words.

I get back to work with a smile plastered on my face. Half an hour later the same delivery guy comes back with a new bouquet. I giggle, you have to be kidding me. I read the card and the message is slightly the same 'One hour and a half left, hang on.' there's the same smiley with it. My smile gets wider and I can help but wait for the next half hour to come. And just as I predicted it half an hour later I have a new bouquet. Then I have a new bouquet every fifteen minutes until the end of the shift.

I have to say that I spent those last two hours smiling and thinking about Sara. Now I'm heading home to call her and thank her for her gentleness. I get to the locker room to get my belongings and then go to the parking lot, oxygen leave my lungs when I get near my car. There stands Sara leaning against her car with a nervous smile.

"Hey there." She greets me with a smile. My voice is lost somewhere in my throat. My heart is beating fast and my head is spinning. I get closer to her. She produces a rose from her back. I chuckle and take it, I want to kiss her but I don't get the chance for she takes a step away from me. "I was wondering if you'd fancy a breakfast before dropping Lindsey to school."

"I'd like that." I finally say.

Sara opens the passenger's door for me. Once I'm in she takes the driver's place and starts to drive. The drive is silent there's only a calm music coming from the radio. Sara takes me to a nice dinner and we have a nice breakfast talking easily about everything and nothing. It's good to see her. For the last weeks we've only been talking over the phone, so seeing her is a nice change, as well as a good step forward… I think.

It's like I was seeing Sara for the first time. Her smile is brighter, her voice is more colorful, she's more expressive and her eyes are just sparkling.

"So what are your plans for today?" I ask Sara as we finish eating.

"I'm seeing Robin, he wants to go to the museum."

"Robin?"

"Yeah, I know it's surprising but he's actually a big fan of culture." She says chuckling.

"Wonders never cease." I reply. "It's good to see you." I say and she just smiles. "I miss you." I put my hand over hers but she pulls back her hand as if she's been burnt. Her smile has faded and she's looking at me as if to say 'what are you doing?'. She looks away and I do my best not to cry or show the hurt at her rejection.

"We should go, it's going to be time for Lindsey." She says hastily before getting up.

"You're right." I manage to say through the lump on my throat. "I'll go to the bathroom before." I say quickly before going.

Once I'm in the safety of the restroom I let my tears fall on my cheek. Damn it hurt so much. Everything was working like a charm and now it's like the spell was broken. I try to calm myself and hope that I haven't ruined everything. I throw some cold water on my face and take some deep breaths before going back to her. I put on my brave face and pretend she hasn't rejected me a minute ago.

When I come back, she puts some bills on the table and we that we leave the dinner. We arrive at Nancy ten minutes later and I'm glad it didn't take long because I felt like choking in the car.

"Hey sis!" Nancy greets me. Her smile gets bigger when she sees Sara "Sara, what a surprise! It's good to see you."

We enter Nancy's house and I go straight to Lindsey who's still on her room. I go back in the living room since Lindsey still needs a few minutes to get ready.

"…it's been a while." Nancy finishes her sentence. Sara just nods and opens her arms, Nancy almost runs in and they share a rather intimate hug. "Damn, I missed this."

"Me too." Sara answers tightening her embrace.

I feel like I was going to be sick. Nancy gets to have a hug when I can barely touch Sara. I clench my teeth not to let my rage spill. It's like receiving a slap on my face, that's unfair, way too unfair. I'm jealous all over again, it reminds me of the days when I thought those two were lovers. I cough to let them know I'm back, Sara pulls back and lets go of my sister not before kissing her forehead. They have the same content smile on their faces, while I feel like crying.

Sara doesn't seem to see the effect she has on me. I can't help wondering why she can get physical with Nancy and not with me. I'd give anything to be Nancy right now and not me.

Two minutes later Jeremy and Lindsey come in the leaving room ready for school. Once the kids are off Sara drives me back home. There's been a little tension since we left the dinner so I'm eager to get home. Maybe we're not ready or at least she's not ready for us yet. My fear about her not wanting to be with me again has been on the pit of my stomach ever since she has rejected my touch at the dinner.

It's hard for me to wait. But at the same time I can't force her to do anything. Travis wasn't joking when he said that the way back to her heart was still long. The worst part is to witness Sara being physically open with people other than me I guess. I mean she didn't reject Nancy, nor Lindsey.

"We're here." Sara's voice brings me back from my thoughts. We look at each other for a long moment in silence. There are many things I'd like to tell her but I won't, one rejection is enough for today.

"Thanks, for everything." I say "For the flowers and the breakfast." I give her a little smile.

"You're welcome."

I undo my seatbelt and open get out of the car. I turn to her once more and wave to her. She waits for me to be inside before heading off. Once inside I sigh and lean against my door. Patience has never been my strong suit and today showed me that I'll have to settle with Sara's pace which means, waiting for her to make the first move.

She's obviously not ready to give me as much as I want. At least she's willing to see me which is good since before she seemed to be content with just talking to me over the phone those last weeks. I wish it was enough for me. Patience Cath, patience. I'd give anything right now to have her hugging me or holding my hand because I need her touch. Just thinking that Nancy had one makes me want to cry.

I've spent the last three weeks being open on my feelings, telling her that I miss her, that I want us to be together again, I think I just need her to show me the same. If only she could give me a tiny sign that she still has feeling for me or that she misses me or anything then I would…

A knock on the door startles me. I open it and my eyes get wide. My prayers has never been answered so fast before. "Sara?" I say. She looks lost and she fidgeting nervously.

"There are things I forgot to tell you." She says vaguely.

"Ok, come on in." I say opening the door wider.

"I can't."

"Alright." I frown not understanding her but instead I step outside leaving the door ajar behind me. Sara looks at me and seems to be in an inner struggle to find her words.

"You're beautiful." She states out of the blue. "Being away from you tends to make me forget how much beautiful you are. I wanted to tell you this since I picked you up from work but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth. My brain is working slowly lately." She jokes nervously. "You're beautiful Cath." She repeats.

"Thanks." I breathe out. Her words are shaking me inside, she's always had this faculty to touch me with her words when I'm not expecting it.

" It was really good to see you today." She adds. She turns to leave but then decides against it and turns to me again. She leans in and kisses me on the cheek, lingering on my skin. "I miss you too." She whispers in my ear. With that she pulls back, gives me a shy smile and goes to her car, leaving me for the second time.

My heart is racing on my chest and my cheek is burning from the contact. With this simple touch she has erased my pain and replaced it with amazement. I don't really know what just happened but I'm glad it did. I bring one of my hand to my cheek and close my eyes as I feel her lips on me again. I feel a smile tugging my lips. I enter my house again feeling light headed.

I wanted a sign and it came in the instant, I even had a kiss in bonus. Next time, I'll wish for her to come back home, not today though because I doubt I'll be that lucky.

It wasn't such a bad morning after all.

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**Ok, I'm already working on the next update so you won't have to wait too long.**

** Thanks for reading.  
**


	79. Chapter 79

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**Hey everyone! I'm back with a new chapter. I wanted to do it yesterday but at the last moment I changed every single word I had written...Anyway, I don't know why but lately I think I'm having a hard time being clear when I write something, so here's another weird chapter. Thanks for all your reviews, you guys rock!! And patience everyone because I'm in no rush...  
**

**Enjoy ;)**

**So**

**ps: **Casara**, si Hablo espanol pero no le ha doce para un longa tiempo... My god it's been so long I'll stop here because I'm scorching this beautiful language too much... sorry. By the way don't hurt me otherwise I won't be able to update...lol**

ana**, feel free to review in the language you fancy the most... ;)**

chimp1984**, here I mention you again ;) hope this update will make your day again because your review made mine ;) And I didn't mean to make you cry... sorry for that.  
**

Gryffindor620**, well it won't be easy but this relationship will move on...**

scubysnak**, you should know by now that I love taking my time and that I can be crueler than that ( I proved it before haven't I?) so don't tempt me... ;)**

CSISVUTWFBgurl**, Robin is the tattoo artist who's name is referring to a character in **_the midsummer night dream_** from Shakespeare 'Robin Goodfellow', he appears for the first time at the end of the 43th chapter and he's the one who tattooed Sara and Greg when they got back from California. It's a secondary character. **

Jackie**, I'm learning German because I love learning new thing and then this language always arise my interest. Besides I love reading books in their original language because translators tend to do a very sloppy job sometimes. As for myself I have to learn some latin notion for my study (french right is all about latin...)  
**

Chione**, even if you'd let just a word for your review I wouldn't mind I'd still be touched just as much ;) Merci pour ces quelques mot en français ça me touche beaucoup ;)  
**

ACertainJustice**, wow, surprise another francophone!Pour quelqu'un qui ne maitrise pas la langue tu te débrouilles bien (je te tutois j'espère que ça va, d'ailleurs je préfère qu'on me tutoie je ne suis pas si important pour le 'vous'.) Pour répondre à ta question ma première langue est le Français. I'm a french from Paris surbub ;) I understand spanish more than I speak it because I haven't practiced in a while. But feel free to review in spanish ! And I can assure you that your french is just fine!  
**

disharmony**, here's for Sara's explanation don't worry I would never leave you in the dark, I'm cruel but not _that_ cruel. **

FloatingInMoon**, really touching review, it's always really good to know that my words can affect people - in a good way. ;)  
**

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**Chapter 79: Sara**

So I'm in the 'weird' zone. You know… the 'weird' zone. I feel like I lost you there… ok. Let me explain myself properly.

As I said I'm in the 'weird' zone. Everyone has such a zone. It's this place where everything is nothing but confusion. Where everything is upside down and you're stuck in this big chaos to your knees. See what I mean? Yeah? Good.

So I'm in my 'weird' zone and I'm swimming into confusion because my brain and my feelings aren't working in harmony. Most people think that a heart and a brain should never work together and they're wrong, absolutely wrong. Heart and brain should always, always work together as one in a perfect osmosis, because if they don't you're toast.

It's all about balance. You need the balance between the two in order to function properly. Which is my current problem. I don't function properly because my brain and my heart aren't really in touch at the moment. So I have emotional break down. One moment I'm fine and the other without apparent reason I'm crying like a baby or I feel the need to punch something hard. I'm emotionally unstable to make it short.

Take this morning for instance – well technically it's yesterday morning, but who cares… Anyway I had a breakfast with Catherine. I picked her up from work and when I saw her I thought I would die on the spot so much she was beautiful. So my heart was screaming 'Wow she's beautiful… tell her she's beautiful… come on tell her you moron…' and it went like that non stop, only since there's no actual connection between my heart and my brain well… I didn't tell her anything.

Then when I left my brain finally got the message so I made a U-turn and went back to Catherine's to let her know that she was beautiful. It took me something like almost three hours to speak for my heart… See what I mean about being dysfunctional?

Geez, she must think I'm crazy by now. Better yet I'm a weirdo from the 'weird' zone… – ok that wasn't funny at all sorry.

I look at my watch and get up from the window ledge where I'm currently sitting in my living room. I grab my phone and dial a number by heart. I like this moment, my whole body awakens in anticipation tingling a bit, my heart beats louder, butterflies mess in my stomach, I'm holding my breath waiting for an answer.

_"Willows" _I sigh and smile widely on my on.

"Hey there."

_"Hey yourself."_ She says warmly.

"How are you doing?"

_"Excellent now." _She replies. I can picture her smiling with her deep as the ocean blue eyes sparkling.

"What about before?" I tease.

I was bored because I was doing some paperwork waiting for Doc to page me for an autopsy. She sighs Although I have to say that I had pleasant thoughts.

"Such as?"

_"You, actually. I'm surrounded with your flowers from yesterday so it's nice."_ She confesses.

"I'm glad to hear that" I say feeling warmth over my cheeks.

_"Well, thanks again for those. But I'll have you know that I don't need this to think about you."_ She says affectionately.

You see that's a moment where my heart wants to tell her so many things but my brain is as good as dead so instead of words, Cath has nothing but silence in return_."Anyway… what about you? How are you doing?"_ Once again she has mercy on me.

"Not too bad thanks."

_"Aren't you supposed to rest like most people do at this hour?"_" She teases me.

"I'm having a hard time with sleeping lately." I admit in almost a whisper. I'm having rather vivid and horrible nightmares.

_"Well I'm not complaining, at least it gives me a chance to talk to you."_ She says sensing my discomfort and understanding the meaning of my words.

We start to talk easily about everything that comes into our minds. It's become a ritual now. I call her once when she's at work, she calls me when she gets home and then I call her once more before she has to head back to work. We talk until Doc pages her for the awaited autopsy.

I tell her goodbye with the promise to talk to her later. I sigh contently and enjoy the 'post call to Cath' feeling for a while.

Ok, where was I before? Oh yeah our breakfast from yesterday. Yesterday was the first time I actually saw Cath in forty days, seven hours and some minutes – but who's counting? – well since Travis left actually. I didn't feel ready before, ready to see her, to be around her.

The fact is that everything is different now. We have to learn to be together again, we have to rebuild our closeness and intimacy. Mostly I have to learn to let her close, affectionate and all. Then I have to learn how to give her back all those feelings properly. Everything is yet left to be done.

This is what I really want but in the same time it scares me to death. Now I'm exposed to the core. Cath can break me down with just a snap of her fingers. I know Cath and I know she wouldn't use anything I told her as a weapon against me. At least the rational part of me knows that, now the insecure one refuses to accept that. The thing is that I'm totally defenseless now as far as Cath is concerned. It's good not to feel like I was hiding but now all my emotions are raw, and unleashed. I feel everything tenfold and it's just… new and scary. Because it won't take much to shatter me and my heart into pieces.

So I know what you're going to tell me. I should trust her. Well believe me when I say I already do. If I didn't trust her I would have never let myself love her in the first place let alone telling her about my past. If I didn't trust her I would have turned my back and moved on a long time ago. I do trust her.

But thing is that it's not a matter of trust. It's a matter of feeling safe. And right now I don't feel safe while around Cath because I'm defenseless. And though I know she won't hurt me, at least not on purpose, just the fact that there's a possibility, holds me back from feeling completely safe, for now that is.

The proof is that when I feel safe I give and accept affection. I hugged Nancy yesterday, because the feeling of safety between Nancy and I has remained untouched. With Cath, I have to get use to the new degree of closeness, which mean learning to feel safe with it.

Then there's the fact that I feel dirty. Bringing my past to the surface dragged all my muddy feelings up and I don't feel good in my skin. So being physically very close to someone - as in a higher degree of intimacy, is something I can't do at the exception of Travis right now. Because Travis and I have build an intimacy in spite of those. We haven't done that Cath and I, not yet. That's why yesterday when she touched my hand I freaked. It's a constant battle for me to accept physical touch at the moment.

I should have told that to Cath. I mean she's not a mind reader or a psychic. I know my rejection hurt her, I'm not that blind but I couldn't bring myself to explain it at the time. So much for being dysfunctional!

I made myself violence to tell her that I missed her even more to kiss her. Not that I regret it in any way, just that I had to convince myself that is was ok to do so, to let her close, that I was safe.

So that's that then.

I pass a hand through my hair and sigh. I scan my living room and my eyes fall upon the set of keys Cath gave me a long time ago – seems like a life time. Just the sight of it makes my heart beating faster.

It's funny you know. I've been watching this set of keys for hours every day of this last month. It's like they were calling me, begging me to use them.

I'm scared, petrified, terrified, panicked out of my mind. Using those keys is a big step forward. I know that if I do take this step I won't back up come hell or high waters. But so far I didn't feel ready. Not that I feel ready now.

Courage is not the absence of fear… Well I understand that it didn't soothe Travis when I told him that for the first time. I mean It certainly doesn't quiet my fears now.

I'm afraid, that's for sure and it keeps me from moving, I feel like I was in a catatonic state, blinded by my fears.

Courage is not the absence of fear…

Ok, so basically I'll always be scared and that till the day I die. Great, that's just a great perspective. Geez, that's sucks.

Don't ask me why but it sends me back in my childhood to a very specific memory. There's a big tree in my backyard back in California. I never mentioned it but my brothers and I still own the bed and breakfast my parents had built. Devon and his best friend are running it actually. Anyway, there's a big tree in the backyard. When we were kids my brothers would love climbing it, and they teased me about being a chicken because I wouldn't climb up with them. They were right, I was terrified, afraid to fall, afraid of highs.

They were relentlessly teasing me. And one day my pride took over and I actually climbed up that stupid tree. Every grip I took I was telling myself that I would die breaking my neck and that it was stupid, I actually take a lot of self control not to cry, call for help or wet myself that day. I made it, I climbed up the highest branches and watch the sunset. We had a breath taking view from up there, we could actually see the ocean.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but the realization that there's more important things than fear.

Even if I was scared to death when I was up there the view was more important and in spite of my fears I enjoy the feeling of bliss at the view nature was offering me.

At that time that tree was huge and I felt tiny next to it. Growing up I climbed up that tree more often for the rush it gave me from facing my fear and also to find some peace away from my home. Now as an adult I know that tree isn't as big as I thought it was when I was young. Anyway, I get this same feeling now. I feel little, tiny even, thinking about all those things waiting for me to accomplished them, thinking about all the obstacles in front of me. But my problem now isn't a big tree. It's a whole bigger deal than that. It's about being with someone, sharing everything and giving myself completely.

So I give it a try with Travis. But it was different… no that's a lie, it was just as scary as right now. The point is that I did it, Travis and I did it. Surely I can do it again as scary as it is.

Have you ever noticed that when you're scared everything seems a thousand time bigger than you are?

Courage isn't the absence of fear…

So I'll get scared all my life. I might as well focus my attention on the things I can change. I know I can't spend my life away from Catherine. I know I can't spend my life talking to her over the phone just because it feels safe.

I'm scared of not being able to make her happy, I'm scared of not loving her enough. I'm scared of having her so close, so deep into my heart and under my skin. I'm scared of all this love she's offering me but at the same time I need all those things, because I've never wanting anything more in my life.

I get up from the window ledge again and sit on the couch looking at the keys so intently you would thought I'm trying to move them by the power of my mind.

I take a deep breath and advance my hand toward the keys. I take them and make a fist around them. They're cold against my palm. My heart is racing in my ribcage. I bring the keys to me and open my hand again looking at them.

I'm breathing heavily to calm my heartbeat but it doesn't work.

Those keys open Catherine's door. They have the power to give me access to all I really want with all my body and soul. With those keys I own the world. Because behind the door they open there's a world of love and so much more. There are Catherine and Cake, there's my future. There are laughter, affection, arguments, love, passion, bliss, happiness and more than you'll ever know. The biggest part of all this is that I have a place there, in this world. It's my personal Wonderland, my Haven of peace. Sure it isn't perfect and there's a lot to do to make it that close, but that's ok because I'm willing to make it perfect and I will.

Those keys make me richer than any man as far as I'm concerned.

If I use those keys there's no turning back, not that I'd want any.

Funny how such little thing can have such a great power. Those keys have the power to change my life.

I'm scared to use those keys. I feel little, I am little.

Courage isn't the absence of fear but the realization that there are more important things than fear.

Then something hits me like a ton of bricks. I have a moment of perfect clarity. The meanings of those words finally get to my core, my soul, my heart and my brain. All my being is fuel with a force unknown more powerful than anything. I close my fist on those keys again holding them tightly.

I'm scared to death, like I've never been before in my whole life, not even when I was shot, not even when I had a gun in my mouth. I'm scared so I'm little, that being I'm courageous. Hell yes I am.

Courage isn't the absence of fear but the realization that there are more important things than fear. Now I understand it. My fears make me little but now realization has hit me.

So, I might be little but I am courageous, yes, I'm little but courageous.

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**OK that's it and I'll come back for more very soon I promise.**

**Thanks for reading.  
**


	80. Chapter 80

**Hi everyone and sorry for the delay -I'm on holidays this week so I'm enjoying my friends company and getting out all the time... anyway I'm back with a new update.**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps:** ACertainJustice**, quiero excusar me por la otra vez, ha diciendo cualquier cosa. Hablo espanol pero no bien porque no le hace a menudo...Ok last time I was so ashamed for my lame words that I wanted to repair the slip... :p Thanks for your compliment though it really touched me.**

saya**, well that's a good question you asked. Will they be back together again. I'm still looking fir the answer, I'll let you know once I find it ;)**

chimp1984**, I hope you feel better, I'm sorry I haven't update sooner but well... I'm doing it now. But know that my laziness doesn't mean I want you sick though :p**

Casara**, I agree with you but you know how complicated human beings can be. I think that Sara is quite complicated so you know logic isn't the first thing on her mind...**

Jackie**, "malitiis non est indulgendum" or "nemo auditur propriam turpitudinem allegans" that's generally what our teachers say when we come up with lame excuses for not doing our job. I wish they were as cool as your teacher though :p**

scubysnak**, the 'friend zone' uh? I hadn't thought about it before but now that you mention it...**

**

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**Chapter 80: Catherine**

Geez, what a night! I'm so glad shift is over, at last. We've been working on a case for weeks now and tonight we were able to find a closure to it. It's feel good when our job pays off, when we can answer to questions like 'what happened? who did this?' and actually bring some justice in this sick, sad, cruel world. In days like these I love my job.

I go to the locker room to get my stuff before going home. For once we're all leaving in time, the boys are in the locker room chatting about their plans for this morning.

"Hey Cath we were thinking about having a drink and a breakfast, are you in?" Warrick asks warmly.

"I don't know I'm really tired." I answer honestly.

"Oh, come on it's been a while since we did something together." Greg begs me.

I ponder their offer but then I yawn sign that I definitely need to go to bed. "Sorry, I'm really beat, so rain check. But I propose, we could go out on Friday all together, if you don't have plan." I offer a compromise to their protest.

"Fine by me." Nick says.

"Ditto." Warrick adds.

"Okay then, but I warn you Friday is my crazy day." Greg says seriously. We chuckle. Every Friday Greg is high – naturally high, he's like a bundle of energy I think even Lindsey couldn't keep up with him. Friday is Greg's full moon.

"Even better. Well that's settle then." I reply gently. I change my shirt and something hits me, I turn to Greg with a question in my eyes "Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to have breakfast with Sara now?"

"I was, but she called saying she had a very important thing to take care of." Greg says with a smile yet his eyes let me know that he's a little disappointed he won't get to see her today. They've always been close but ever since Greg is on the field and with the last events they've gone through they are like two peas in a pot.

I make a mental note to ask Sara about this important thing when I'll call her once I'm home. Lately, calling Sara have become the moment I'm looking forward the most after seeing Lindsey, that is. I smile at the thought that I'll be talking to her in a few moment.

"We should ask her for Friday, I'd like to see her." Warrick proposes and we all agree.

"Okay, you're ready?" Nick asks to Greg and Warrick. They nod in response. "Alright, let's go then."

They get in line to give me a kiss goodbye. "Have fun boys, and play nice." I say in a mock mother tone.

"Yes, mom." They all answer in unison with a light laugh. I laugh with them shaking my head with a sigh, kids.

I head to the parking lot and once I'm in the intimacy of my car I pull my phone and dial a number.

"_Hello."_

"Hey sis, what's up?" I ask Nancy warmly.

"_Same old, but I'm in a good mood today, you?"_

"Tired but in a rather good mood."

"_Ah, you're just on time, hold on."_ She changes the subject and talks to someone on the background. _"OK, there you go. I'll talk to you later, rest well, love you." _She says.

"Yeah love you too." I answer before she hands the phone over.

"_Mom?"_

"Hey sweety. How are you? Did you have a good night?" I ask my daughter.

"_I'm fine and yes I had a good night."_ She chuckles. _"What about you?"_

"I had a long night, and I miss you a lot. I wish I could make it in time." I answer honestly.

"_That's alright, don't worry. You sound tired."_

"I am baby."

"_Well I wish I could give you a bear hug full of love to cheer you up."_ She says enthusiastically.

I smile at her suggestion feeling already better. "Keep for when I pick you up later ok?"

"_Ok."_ Though I can see her I know she's beaming. It's funny but lately she's been more affectionate like she was when she was five, hugging me, playing with me, eager to actually spend time with me. You definitely won't hear me complain about this.

"You're ready for your test today?"

"_Yeah I worked on it don't worry. Wait." _I hear muffled voices then Lindsey speaks again_ "Aunt Nancy says we have to go."_

"Alright, tell her I'll call her later. Have a nice day sweety and good luck for your exam."

"_Thanks mom, see you later. I love you."_

"Love you too." I reply before the dial tone comes back. I hate days where I can take my daughter to school. Unfortunately I'm not ubiquitous, and I don't think killing myself in a car accident would do any good, so in days like these I have to be content with just a phone call and wait patiently until I pick her up from school to make up for the lost time.

I turn on the ignition bringing my car into life and then drive myself home. I arrive thirty minutes later. Exhaustion is slowly taking its toll on me I can't wait to take a shower and go to the warm cocoon that is my bed. I'll call Sara before sleeping, that way I might dream about her afterward. I chuckle shaking my head.

I put my key in the first lock, then in the middle one and I'm surprised it is already turned. I could swear I had lock it before leaving yesterday evening. Geez, I'm so tired, I must have forgotten it. Anyway, I get in and close the door behind me. This time making sure to turn every lock.

My stomach growls lowly at the sweet aroma of coffee and food. What the…?

I turn my head to the kitchen area and my heart literally stops beating. "Gees, Cath you're so tired you're imagining things." I berate myself.

There in the kitchen there's Sara, looking at me nervously. I must have died and gone to heaven. I shake my head a bit sure that this vision will vanish. But she's still there when I open up my eyes.

Oh. My. God.

I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming…

"Ok, calm down Cath, close your count down to five… everything is fine." I talk to myself, I close my eyes and count down slowly "Five… four…three…two…one…" I open my eyes and Sara is still there in front of me. Looking at me with a rather amused expression.

Oxygen flows back in my lungs yet I feel like I was choking. Sara is there, in the kitchen, in my house. Sara is there.

Oh. My. God.

I think my brain is dead, because I'm sending message to it but to no avail. Finally after what seems like an eternity I shake myself out of my daze and walk slowly to Sara. She doesn't move just smiles at me. I can see doubt in her eyes as if she didn't know if she had gone to far or not.

My heart his about to destroy my ribcage. I reach a shaky hand out and touch her cheek just to make sure that I'm not dreaming. I feel like whooping of joy but the feeling vanishes as soon as she takes a step away from me. Like at our breakfast her rejection burns my heart like a hot iron. The hurt is real alright, so yes, she's truly there. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She opens them again and look at me more determined. She reaches out slowly to take my hand. Her hand is shaky and uncertain.

Wow, I can feel that, this is real. She's really there.

Once she holds my hand she sighs and a shy and shaky smile appears on her face. She looks at our linked hand for a moment like it was the seventh wonder of the world. Then she remembers I'm here and looks at me intently. Oh my goodness those eyes have never been more beautiful or deep than right now.

"I am… home." She says after a moment. My breath is cut short. Three words, three little words, the best words ever. My brain registers them and I feel a thousand emotions at the same times. I feel like crying of happiness right now.

Sara's home. At last she's back home. I smile widely at this.

I'd really like to take her in my arms right now but seeing that every time I try to initiate the contact she rejects me I restrain myself and just giving into the sensation of her hand in mine. I focus on it and the feeling of pure bliss I feel. There's no such a drug like Sara.

"I made you breakfast." She says sheepishly. I chuckle, my tiredness is forgotten for now. Besides I still have doubt about the fact that I'm not dreaming.

She lets go of my hand and I feel like losing a limb. She pulls a chair for me in a gentleman manner and waits for me to sit down before going to the counter. She presents me a plate with toast, and pancakes. Then there are sliced fruit, a steaming mug of cocoa and a glass of juice.

I can't help the stupid smile on my face but I don't care if I look like an idiot "Thank you" I tell her.

"You're welcome." She blushes and then sits next to me.

We talk around a breakfast as if everything was normal. Truth to be told as much as I enjoy having her here, back home, I can't help the questions swirling in my mind. Is she back for good, is this just temporary? Why is she rejecting me? And more questions. I need answers to those but on the other hand I don't want to ruin this and to give her reasons to runaway from me again.

"We need to talk." She says with a shaky voice after a moment of silence. We have just finish our breakfast and are enjoying a mug of cocoa. "No, actually I need to talk to you."

"Ok." I nod. I might appear really calm right now, I'm anything but.

She takes a deep breath looking at the ceiling. Then she gets her eyes back to me "I'm sorry for hurting you." She says. I frown not really understanding the meaning of her words. "I know that when I reject your touch I hurt you. I'm sorry about that. It's hard for me to receive your affection like this."

"I can see that. I don't want to sound petty or anything but you didn't mind when it was Nancy. And that's probably what hurts me the most." I say somewhat bitterly.

"I know." She says nervously "The thing is that, it's you. I'm having a hard time receiving your affection."

Me? Damn that hurts. I think I'm about to be sick.

"I told you those things about me… about my past… Now I feel exposed, defenseless, very vulnerable. But most of all, my insecurities are back full force and I can't help but wonder why you'd give me this affection, I don't deserve it… I shouldn't question that but I do because I'm insecure. Then I feel everything tenfold now and it's really disturbing at the moment…" She struggles to say.

I think I understand her point of view, it doesn't make me hurt any less. It's funny because I think about Adam right at this moment about what he said in that interrogation room. I think about what he says about starting all over again. I guess Sara is back to square one. I can't blame her and now that I put my bruised heart on the side, I can understand her rejection toward me.

"It might take me some time to be at ease with physical contacts. Talking about my past unleashed a lot of feelings I'm trying hard to fight. I have opened Pandora's box and the memories are still fresh now. And when it's like this I have a hard time to be around people, but I manage. It's hard for me to be physically close because it's a time where I don't like being touched… it feels bad." She says looking at me nervously. "I want physical closeness with you, but you'll have to give me time. I know I'm asking for much, that you are a touchy person and if you think it's too much I'll…"

I decide to cut her off right there. She's there, back home with me and I won't ruin this out of selfishness. "Sara, you're right I'm a touchy person, but I'll never ask you to give me more than you're willing or ready to. We'll go at your pace I don't mind." I reassure her. It's true I don't mind, as long as she's there.

I truly acknowledge her effort for explaining me all those things. Months back she would have just shut me off and moved on something else. Now I know that it cost her and just the fact that she does want me to understand her is a really big step for us. I have to learn a lot now, to make this relationship work. Mostly I'll have to learn how to be patient.

"You're sure? I mean we might not share the same bed for a while." She says.

I look at her and I don't have second thoughts. I've been agonizing over the last months because we were apart. I know that even now that we have somehow manage to move on, being apart from her is unbearable. Now rejecting her just because I can't express my feelings physically would be really idiotic and slightly contradictory. I want her in my life, I want her here, home. And if it means restraining myself, learning to be patient and put up with whatever life throws our way, then I'm gamed.

"I'm sure. I love you Sara, and I'll do whatever it'll take to make this work." I tell her firmly.

"I want this to work too."

"You're back home and that in itself makes me happy. So don't worry ok?" I tell her with a smile.

She smiles in relief. Once again I can see her struggling silently inwardly before she puts her hand over mine. It's going to be hard, but I know from experience that nothing that worth it is easy.

Travis' words come back in my mind 'there's a hard road lying in front of you'. Well I'm ready to walk through it.

xxxxx

After breakfast Sara, ran me a bath and well did everything so I just had to relax. I went to bed and slept rather deeply. Waking up I was afraid to have dreamt Sara's return. But there she is on the couch reading a book. I can't explain it but it's really appeasing to feel her presence in this house again. It's a strange feeling I can't describe. Even if she's silent she provides something more that was missing in this place for me to truly call it a home.

"You slept well?" She asks still reading her book. I chuckle at myself, I had forgotten about her sixth sense.

"Yeah thanks." I say with a sigh.

She marks the page she was reading and then turns to me "I'll make you coffee and fix something to eat." She says standing and heading in the kitchen. I just smile at her and go find a perch myself on the island watching her moving in the kitchen. I bury my head in my hand trying to shake myself awake. Then I go back to my contemplation of Sara.

She seems at ease and awkward at the same time. After all this time she's spent away from here she remembers pretty well where everything is. I have to fight the growing urge in me to wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her neck or to make any gesture that convey love and affection without a word.

"You're making me uncomfortable." She says gently. "Staring at me like that." She adds.

"Sorry." I chuckle "I still have to convince myself that you're here, back home."

She stops whatever she's doing but doesn't turn around "I know the feeling." She states gently.

"I think I'll go take a shower while you cook." I say. Truth to be told I don't think I'll be able to restrain myself from touching her any longer so I might as well do something to distract myself.

I take time to think while I'm under the spray of water. I feel good in a oddly way. Sara is there so I'm ecstatic, I can't show her my affection in a physical way, that's hard. I'm a touchy person and I need to express my feelings that way. But on the other hand I understand Sara's need for time and space. I understand why she has to be the one to initiate all this. I understand, but it's hard.

It's like being force to stay sit when you have too much energy to spare. You feel like exploding from the inside and all the things you hold within threat to consume you. Well I feel like that. I won't ruin anything though just because of what I need. Relationship is about making compromises. I accept to control my touchy side, if that's what it take to rebuild my relationship and intimacy with Sara. Sure I won't do it for ever, but I'll do as long as she needs me to.

I get out of the shower and get dress. When I get in the kitchen again a fuming plate of food is waiting for me while Sara is cleaning the dishes.

Once my hunger subside, Sara and I go sitting on the couch and we start to talk quite easily. It's funny you know, because after all this time you'd thought we'd run out of topics to discuss about, but we don't. Time to go pick up Lindsey from school comes quickly.

"I have to pick up Linds, want to come?"

"I can't, I have to see Robin." She says somewhat shyly.

"You two have become quite close."

"Yes we do."

"Ok then well I'll go get ready." I say getting up of the couch heading to my bedroom .

I'm about to leave the house five minutes later when Sara calls me back "Cath?"

I turn to her "Yes?" she doesn't say anything just leans in and kisses my cheek.

"See you later." She smiles a bit.

I smile back at her a leave. Well the only advantage of restraining myself for physical contact is that the little I get always puts me in a good mood.

I drive to Lindsey's school and wait for her to come out. I get out of the car and lean against it. Kids get out and I spot Lindsey talking rather animatedly with her friends, when she sees me she beams and waves goodbye to them.

"Hi mom!" She gives me a bear hug and a big kiss. Being a mother rocks! Nothing compares to the feeling of bliss and love you can get from your child.

"Hey baby, I miss you so much." I tell her kissing her forehead. "So how was your day?" I ask her when we get into the car.

"Fine, and before you ask my exam went well." She says with a chuckle. She proceeds to tell me about her day in details then stops suddenly.

"What's up?" I ask her with a frown. I look at her and she's staring at me with narrowed eyes. "Baby?"

"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?"

"What?" I say confused.

"Well you look different."

"Different, how?"

"I don't know, but I can see you're different. So what's up?"

"Well you can stay at home tonight…"

"You have a night off?" she asks eagerly, cutting me off.

"Actually no." I take a deep breath "Sara's back home." I say with a smile.

"Really?" She asks not as enthusiastically as I would have imagined. I just nod in response. "Ok." She just says.

I know that she's mad at Sara for hurting me. While Sara and I were apart I was depressed and Lindsey had to put up with a crying and melancholic mother. Although, Sara and her have started to talk to each other again on the day she had an accident at school, I know she still resents Sara for breaking my heart. I guess I hadn't realized how much until now.

"Well if you don't mind I'll stay at Nancy's, Jeremy and I are reading a book together and we're quite eager to finish it." She says after a moment.

"No problem sweety."

"So you two are back together?" she asks.

Wow. That's a trick question. Sara's back, sure, so on a strictly theoretical point of view we're back together. Now on the real life though, that's another matter. And honestly I don't know. We haven't talked about it, and I'm not quite ready to face Sara about it. I mean I know I've been quite open with my feelings for her, but she hasn't returned any of them so far. I like to convince myself that she needs time and that she has a lot to sort out in her own for now.

Truth to be told I'm scared that we'll become really close friends but nothing more. Ok I should stop thinking about that it's truly depressing.

I turn to Lindsey again and realize she's waiting for an answer. "Well, yes, I suppose so." I say evasively. She scrutinizes me and decides against pushing the matter.

"I'm glad to hear it. Really it's a good new." She says with a smile.

The rest of the drive is silent and we spend time together before I have to go to work.

Lindsey's question made quite damages in me. Now all my insecurities are unleashed and are doing a good job at freaking me out.

Sara's back home, but does this mean we're back together?

I don't know.

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**Alright that's it but the next chapter should follow suit.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	81. Chapter 81

**Hey everyone I'm back with more. Ok so I don't know what's with me lately but I seem to have a thing with weird chapters. Anyway...Thanks for your reviews ;)  
**

**Enjoy,**

**So;)  
**

**ps:**CSISVUTWBFgurl** the end of the chapter is for you I think you're the one who called me on it... ;)**

chimp1984**, hope you're feeling better :)**

Casara**, thanks for your mercy even if it's just temporary... lol ;)  
**

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**Chapter 81: Sara**

So this is it, I'm back, back home.

Home.

It's funny how such a little word can actually mean so much. So last night or rather early this morning I had an epiphany. There are more important things than fear itself, and I realized that my need to be with Cath was much more important than all my insecurities or fears to screwed up. Sure I still have a lot to deal with but I know one thing for sure, I need to be Cath and Babycake, I can't stand to be away from them anymore.

So I came back and wait for Cath to return from work. She had a hard time believing it was real but once she was over her shock she was happy I think. I'd say it went pretty well for a come back. I exposed my fears and insecurities with Catherine and though I know I might have hurt her she was understanding.

So here I am, back home.

Cath is at work, Cake is spending the night at Nancy's and I just got back from my getting out with Robin.

I find myself wandering around the house. I feel strange, but a nice kind of strange. You know it's the feeling you get when leave a place for a decade and then come back just to find out that everything is at the same place just like you remembered. Well it's the same here, sure I didn't left a decade ago, but still for me it feels like ages. And everything is like I remembered, somewhere it feels strange but at the same time safe, and good.

I start to have memories flowing back. Cake and I fighting over who'd get to choose the movie we'd watch; me running after her to tickle her laughing to tears; Cath and I having long talks on the couch or just cuddling together enjoying the closeness; the three of us cooking; Cath and I arguing about some point or another; us making love passionately trying desperately to get under each other's skin right there on the living room floor … All the laughter, the tears – of happiness and pain, every little piece of life is now flowing back in my mind again. It feels so good. And that's exactly where I belong.

I'm home.

xxxxx

I came back home one week ago and Cath Cake and I have settled some routine. I make breakfast, take Cake to school with Cath or alone. I clean the house and take care of the groceries or anything, then it's time for picking Cake from school, we spend some time together, then Cath leaves for work and I drop Cake at Nancy's.

If you're wondering why Cake doesn't stay here all the time, well I think it's because she's not quite happy about me being here yet. I mean, she still resents me for hurting Cath, I can't say I blame her. I decided not to force the issue, when she's ready will talk until then I can't really do anything about it.

When I'm alone I do everything that needs to be done around. Fixing thing here and there, I always try to find something to do so I don't have time to think and listen to all my insecurities. Then when Cath comes back home I take some naps – yeah, naps, because I don't really sleep well lately, but it's even worse when I'm alone, so I wait for Cath to be there.

Things are getting in order again, slowly, but surely.

Being around Cath helps me to get over my uneasiness with physical contacts. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that I'm touchy and really forthcoming but I tend to be a bit warmer. But the little I can give I make it means, so it might look like almost nothing but it does convey my love and affection. It's all about baby steps, so one day at a time.

Cath is in the kitchen fixing something for dinner, Cake is on her room doing her homework while I'm reading on the island. I get up and get behind Cath and watch her cut vegetables. She stops her movement surprised by the closeness I guess but doesn't say anything.

"I missed you today." I tell her. One of my hands travels all her arm up to her shoulder then I deliver a gentle kiss on her neck. I can feel her trying to control her breathing. I let my lips linger on her skin and inhale her scent. "I thought we could go out tomorrow since you'll have your night off." I say gently.

She turns her head toward me and since we're close our mouths are just inches apart. She smiles and nods "I'd like that."

I can't help but stare at her lips as she speaks. "Great" I say my eyes still glue on her flesh. I'd like to kiss her but it's like I was frozen. I know she won't make the first move it has to come from me, but it won't be today though. I take a deep breath and blink, I turn my head away "I should go see if Lindsey needs some help." I look at her again and give her a shy smile. She chuckles nervously and nods in response.

xxxxx

I get in the guest room – my room for the time being, and get a package I picked up from my apartment earlier, it's her birthday gift – since I missed this event, I didn't give her before because we were never really alone and I wanted this moment to be special. I take deep breaths before going to face her, once in front of her bedroom I knock on the door and wait for her authorization before coming in.

"Hey there." I say nervously.

"Hey" she greets me back with a little smile.

"I came to see if you needed help for your homework."

"Nah, it's ok I finished already." She says not looking up from the book she's reading on her bed. Well I gave it a shot, she's been blowing me off ever since I got back so I shouldn't be surprised. I guess today isn't the day where we're going to talk or she's going to give me a chance. I'm a bit hurt and disappointed but that won't keep me from trying tomorrow. I start to turn away when she speaks again "But…" I turn to her again. She acknowledges my presence and studies me for a moment. Wordlessly she gets up from her bed and hands me two sheets of paper. "I wouldn't mind you checking if I did them right."

Well I guess we just took a step forward. I can't help the grin on my lips as I take the papers

"Can I sit?"

"Sure." She shrug before taking her former position on her bed again, picking up her reading.

I sit on her desk chair and check her homework thoroughly . We stay silent for a while but then she starts to speak. "So you're back home." She states the obvious with tone not really joyful. I look at her silently, she's looking at me with a hard gaze letting me know that she won't be mess around with or take any crap from me. "So you and mom are back together?"

"We're getting there." I say after a long silence.

"What is that supposed to mean?" She asks a bit harshly.

"It means, your mom and I are taking things slowly." I clarify.

"But you're with her again right? I mean you're not just playing the room mate, are you? Because if you do know that this isn't a hotel."

"Your mom and I are back together." I answer firmly. I know things don't look that way at the moment but I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for being back with Cath. Cake is still staring at me hard, I think I can see anger in her eyes but I can't say I don't deserve her defiance or lack of trust.

"Do you love her?" She asks me.

"Yes, I do."

"Last time, you said you loved her and you hurt her. I won't let that happen again. So if you're not sure of your feelings for her leave her alone, because she deserves to be happy."

"I love her." I repeat more firmly. "I'll do everything not to hurt her and..."

"Again." She says cutting me off. I frown not getting her point "You'll do everything no to hurt her _again_." She corrects me stressing the word 'again'.

I swallow hard, she's merciless but then again I didn't expect any less from her. I messed up I'm to blame and even if I don't need reminder of my stupidity because it hurts somehow, I won't complain. Cake isn't going to let me get away with this and she wants me to get her point across and I understand her. I mean you have to stand for the one you love, she's doing it for her mother and I accept that.

She's still scrutinizing me so I take a deep breath and picked up my thoughts "I'll do everything not to hurt her _again_ and to make her happy."

"Everything?" She asks suspicious.

"Yes, everything and more." I say firmly.

She doesn't say anything for a moment. She doesn't smile or show signs of mercy. I'm telling you she knows how to be imposing with just a stare, and her silence is getting to me more than I'm letting it show, she knows that and that's why she keeps on doing it. She's imposing and intimidating – icy cold stare and some charisma – can't deny it, she learned from the best. "Good. I let you this one and last chance. But if she's hurting because of you again, I don't know what I'll do but it will be painful, plus it will be the end of our friendship. I'm not kidding, trust me, so don't mess around because I've got my eyes on you." She says seriously.

"I won't disappoint you or her." I say solemnly.

"Don't make promises you won't hold."

"I never do."

She nods and look away. Then her features soften, she looks at me again "Welcome back home then."

"Thanks." I smile a little. Sure I'm not naive enough to think that everything is sorted out and that she's going to trust me again that easily. Now I have to prove her that I'm worthy of her trust everyday but I'm up for this challenge and I won't deceive her. "I have something for you." I say changing the subject.

"Really?" She arched her eyebrows.

I hand her the bag I had brought in with me "I know I'm late but it's your birthday present. Happy birthday."

"Thank you." She smirks. She opens her gift "Wow, this is so cool. Thank you so much." She says with a smile. She shows a little emotion at the gift just smiles gently, no effusion of joy, no hugs or squealing sounds like she always does when she's truly thrilled, excited or happy about something, like she would have done had things been different. I don't get any of this just a smile but I content myself with that. In case you're wondering, I bought her a camera. Once we've seen an exposition of black and white photography and she said she'd love to know how to do this. So I thought I could teach her, and for that she'd have to own a camera. "You'll teach me right?"

"Sure I will."

She seems to hesitate about something then sighs and extend her pinky finger to me "Promise?" She asks with a smirk.

I can't describe you the wave of warm affection flowing through me at this small yet so big gesture. I hook my pinky finger with hers smiling like an idiot. "Promise." I say in a shaky breath.

"Great." She says with a grin.

I finish to correct her homework; while she told me about her bungee jump and we chat a little while, before I leave her to her reading again. Once I close her door behind me I let out a deep breath I feel like a weight had been lifted up from my shoulder. Sure there's a lot to do before our relationship becomes as easy as it used to but now at least we can start to move on.

xxxxx

I took Cath to the museum today. I think she really liked it, you should have seen her eyes shining, I think a piece made her cry. She was smiling from ear to ear and just… well I don't know how to describe her to you. Then we lunch in a nice restaurant, we had a walk in a park before coming back home. I made us cocoa and now we're silently enjoying it on the back porch.

"I'm ashamed to admit it but it was the first time I ever stepped on a museum." She says with a blush. I look at her a bit surprised.

"Really?" I ask gently.

"Yeah. Well the persons I generally hang out with aren't that interested in art for them I'm nothing but a smiling bimbo and then I just couldn't go by myself because…" She trails off. "Never mind, I just wanted to thank you for today it was amazing."

"You're welcome." I reply. I don't push the matter but I feel a bit hurt that she doesn't confide to me. Irony I guess, our parts are reversed right in this minute. Now I know what she felt like when I was shutting her out, not letting her know what bothered me or my fear.

I take a sip from my drink and get lost in thoughts. "I feel stupid." She suddenly says out of the blue. I look at her confused. "That's why I wouldn't go to a museum on my own." She whispers. Then she looks at me with a painful look.

"I don't understand." I confess.

"In museum you are surrounded by people who have culture and I don't fit in there." She confesses.

She sighs looking at me then she looks away "I quit high school after my graduation. I left home with Chad Tackers, he was supposed to be a rock star. Growing in up in Montana was cool but I felt like choking there, everything seemed too small I needed something bigger, some adventure and I don't know… I just needed more. I ended up here in Vegas. It was all I always dreamed of, full of life and glitters and there you could be anyone you dream to be." She says with a small smile.

I just realize that Cath never talks about her past either. Well sure if you ask her question she'll answer them without any taboo but if you don'' she won't talk about it.

"Chad and I broke up five weeks after arriving there. He went on with his band and left me behind. I could have gone back home and do the studies my parents wanted me to do, giving them right about me making a mistake. But I just couldn't do that, I was too proud and I didn't want any of there lecture about me being the ugly little duck 'look at Nancy, she's doing something of her life.', 'Try to be a little more like your big brother Jude he's brilliant in what he does'. So I stayed in Vegas. But reality is quite a bitch, the big question was: what am I going to do with my life? What was I supposed to do I had no qualification, no great studies behind me? Except loving puzzles, riding horses and having a pretty face I had nothing."

"I tried to be a waitress but it didn't pay that much, I met Stephany in the diner I was working, she took me under her wing so to speak. She was a stripper and she introduced me to the manager of her club and soon after I became a stripper." She says looking at me.

I frown as my brain is looking for something, then I get it "Stephany? She's been…"

"Murdered? Yes."

"I'm sorry."

"Thanks." She replies with a sad smile. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath " I was lucky because I danced in a rather class place not in some trashy club. Anyway, got onto the other side of the mirror, I wasn't the one blinded by the city bright lights, I was the powder you throw into people eyes to make them believe into the magic of Vegas. On my side though everything was hollow, no more bright color., no more glitters, no more happy faces. The dream crumbled down. But I had a good friend of mine that make everything look good again. You might know her actually." She says.

I turn to her a wait for the identity of her mysterious friend. "Cocaine?" She smirks flatly.

"Oh her, yeah we met once or twice but never kept touch." I state lightly. It's not fun but I guess it's better to laugh about it than cry.

"We did, we had a rather strong bound together. And she'd take me to Wonderland. Everyday before and after my shift the girls and I would go have a breakfast in a diner full of students. They'd talk for hours about their day and what they had learnt. I would look at them and envy them. I wanted to be like them, to have a purpose and wake up every morning to learn something new, have a dream and purchase it. I act like I was overconfident so they wouldn't laugh at me when in reality I felt small and stupid next to them, they had such a knowledge and while my head was full of water. Everyday I swore to myself that tomorrow I'd be like them, that I would read those books they were talking about, that I would quit dancing and go back to school, be someone." She snorts "Then I would go to bed and the first thing I would do waking up would be to take my ticket to Wonderland."

She marks a pause and take a sip at her cocoa. She gets lost in thoughts looking at her point far away from here.

"I met Eddie. For him life was three things: sex, drug and fun." She shakes her head. "I content myself with that for a while but everyday when I was clear from all my influences I would wish I'd change. Truth to be told it was more of a wistful thinking." She sighs and looks up to the sky. "Pregnancy has been my wake up call. I got cleaned and once again there was this question: what am I going to do of my life? I had no knowledge whatsoever, no qualifications, I loved puzzles, I knew how to do a lap dance and a pole dance, I knew how to ride a horse, where was I supposed to go from there? No really far."

"Then the luckiest day of my life happened, I met Grissom. We talked and he offered me to learn to be a CSI. Me, I was barely more intelligent than an elementary school pupil and he wanted me to be a CSI." She laughs "I thought he was a loony but he said he was serious, he had faith in me, well at least one of us did. People can say all they want about this man but when you have the chance to have him at your side believing in you and helping you, when you have his friendship and support well then there's nothing in this world you can't do. Without him I wouldn't be who I am today."

She has this warm smile when she talks about Grissom. I know what she means. Even though Grissom and I have been through some troubles he's really someone good, someone who'll always have your back no matter what.

"So I learnt a lot, I had to work ten times harder and longer than anyone else but I made it. In spite of that I always felt stupid compare to the others. Especially when you came on scene." I can help my wide shock at this. I never knew that. "Don't look so surprised. You were everything I'm not, smart, well educated, you went to Harvard. You have almost as much culture references as Gil if not much. Talk about making me feel inferior."

That would explain some of the hostility between us. You know it's funny because I've always been intimidated by Cath because as far as I'm concerned she was everything I'm not. Beautiful, intelligent and good with people, ironic much?

"You know, I'm so proud when I see Lindsey being so smart. I don't wan her to do the same mistakes, I want to learn so she an be anything she wants. I learnt on the late so I didn't have much choice. Then I had like a century of culture to get back. I red the books the students were talking about. Reading is easy and I can do this on my own. But going to museums and expose my ignorance to the world is something I just can do. But with you at my side talking to me like I knew those stuff, not making me feel like an idiot, I felt happy to finally get to know art. I felt like I fit in."

"I'll take you to New York so we'll see the Metropolitan Museum, I'll take you to Paris so you'll see the Louvre, I'll take you to Italy so you'll see the Sixtine Chapelle. Because I want to your eyes to sparkle when you see the different pieces, I want you to know all those things, to feel a turmoil of emotion just looking at a painting. Trust me seeing you admiring those piece with all your being is the most beautiful thing to witness." I suddenly say. I take her hand in mine and entwine our fingers. "But all the pieces of art in the world won't ever compared to you when you're eyes are shining with joy." I say kissing her hand.

She's looking at me with tearful eyes. "I love you."

I want to tell her that I love her back. But my throat is so tight that I can't barely breathe. Her eyes are showing me so much love that it's scary. She just smile at my non response and kisses my forehead. Then she gets back inside wordlessly.

"I love you too." I finally say to the air.

When the time is right I guess I'll be able to tell her.

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**I'll do better in the next update. I don't know what's wrong but I'm not satisfied with anything I write, but if I listened to myself I would have rewritten this chapter for the umpteth time and since I don't think I can do any better I just send it like this, but I'll do better in the next chapter promise.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	82. Chapter 82

**Hey there, well I'm glad the previous chapter wasn't as bad as I thought. I'm not fishing for praises believe me it's just that I'm in a weird state of mind lately and I like to think that I write according to my state of mind so for me it seems weird even if obviously it's not. Anyway thanks for your sweet words I love you guys! **

**So since it's Love you're all asking for then it is Love you shall get - albeit just a little bit ;) For those who don't catch Sara's reference right away go check the chapter 32.  
**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps:**scubysnak**, I think this one is for you ;)... I feel you boiling with impatience even from where I'm standing... lol :)  
**

* * *

**Chapter 82: Catherine**

I'm leaning against the island. I'm crying, whether it's from happiness or hurt I don't really know. I just had a long talk with Sara on the backyard porch – well it was more like a monologue, but who cares?

It's official Sara now knows things about me that no one else does, not Warrick or Grissom, not even Nancy. Sara took me to the museum today. I think it will come as a surprise if I tell you that this was my best going out ever. I've always dreamt about going into a museum, but since I don't know anything about art I just didn't want to go there on my own. Anyway going out to the museum was simply fantastic.

We got home afterward and sat on the porch and talked. That's when I told her about my biggest insecurity. I tried to hold back at the beginning and then I felt like betraying her. She has told me about her past, her insecurities and fears without holding anything back – sure it was a high price to pay before getting her to do so, but the fact is that she did. And that was the greatest display of trust I've ever received from anyone. So I took a deep breath and trust her with all my being while confiding in her my deepest secrets.

She didn't laugh at me, she didn't give me some words of reassurance so plain and usual. No, instead she blew me away with her words like only her can do. Her words made my feeling for her bubbling inside of me, becoming so strong that I couldn't help letting them free. Those feelings erupted in a heartfelt burning 'I love you'.

That was a minute ago. Now here I al with my face buried in my hands crying softly against the island.

Why, you ask?

I mean so far I haven't said anything that could explain any tears. Well like I said I don't why I'm crying out of pain or joy. Maybe it's both.

You see I'm happy. I feel this overwhelming feeling of burning love. But I think my insecurities hurts me right now, because I told Sara that I loved her and once again it was one of those moments where I my declaration was met with silence. As a matter of fact I keep on telling her that I love her but every time she's mute in response. I can see her struggling to talk to me but all she give me is silence with an apologetic look.

You see things have change. It's like this was a new era. There was the time before and there's life now. Everything changed the day Sara told me about her past, that was the catalyst, the 'big bang' so to speak. And now I have to learn who's that Sara I'm living with, I have to learn to be patient hoping that her feelings for me are the same as me.

I love her and I'd like to be sure that she loves me back. I'm not asking her to scream it over the roofs at the top of her lungs, but I'd like her to tell me what she feels. Because ever since the 'big bang' and ever since we've started to interact with each other again I'm the only one open with my feelings and there's this nagging doubt in the back of my mind telling me that maybe she doesn't feel that way about me anymore and…

"Cath, I…Cath?" Sara's voice interrupts my musing. I try to brush my tears away but to no avail? She's in front of me in a heartbeat. She's about to ask me what's wrong but then doesn't say anything. Instead she just stares at me, I couldn't explain it to you but I think that right at this minute she knows exactly what I think.

There's determination in her eyes and this intensity so powerful it scares me. she takes a step toward me, then another so our bodies are almost flushed against one another. Then she slowly takes me in her arms.

She hugs me tightly. I'm so surprised and overwhelmed by so many emotions that I don't move at first. This is actually the first time she hugs me ever since the 'big bang'. My heart is beating so hard I think she can't feel it through her own chest. My arms snake on her back and I return her embrace just as fiercely. I feel her hot breath on my shoulder as she releases a sigh.

"I…" She starts but trails off. I can feel her shaking so much she's struggling with herself to get those words out "I… I more than just like you." She finally says.

I freeze as soon as her words penetrate my brain. A fresh wave of tears begin to fall as I smother a sob, but this time it's from utter happiness and relief, definitely. I remember the first time I heard those words and I know exactly what they mean.

She loves me.

I know those six words are her personal way to tell me 'I love you' when she's not ready to tell those three words. But I don't care if she's not ready yet if those aren't three magical words, for me those six words means more than words can express.

"I more than just like you." She repeats firmly and I just tighten my grip on her. If I could I'd get under her skin because I need to be close to her right now. And through my tears I can't help the laughter escaping my lips. She loves me.

On their own accord my lips kiss her neck, once, twice then when she doesn't jerk away my lips go to her jaw line then her cheek. I pull back a little so we're looking at each other, the next move will have to be hers. She looks at me intently then her gaze get on my lips. She brings one of her hands to my face and caresses my bottom lip. I close my eyes at the touch and take a deep breath before looking at her again. She's mesmerized by my mouth. She licks her lips without thinking about it. My heart races on my ribcage faster than it and I can feel myself shaking slightly in anticipation. She starts to lean in a painfully slow motion, then…

"Mom, Sara, I'm home." A voice announces loudly effectively breaking the spell. Sara looks away and closes her eyes for a second or two taking a deep breath then she looks at me again with a little smile. We were so caught into each other that we didn't here the door being unlocked and opened. Sara whips my tears delicately and kisses my forehead before releasing me from her embrace. Then she turn to my daughter who's currently staring at us funnily.

I do love my daughter more than anything in this world but right now I do curse her timing.

"Hey Linds." Sara greets her. Lindsey doesn't answer and looks at me. Once she sees my tears she sends Sara a cold stare. "I forgot our mugs on the porch." Sara says before heading to the backyard.

Lindsey doesn't blink an eye and keep on staring at Sara, she looks like an enraged bull ready to charge. Once Sara is out of her line of vision she turns to me with a concerned expression. "Is everything ok?" she asks me.

"Yeah, baby, don't worry." I tell her with a smile passing my palms on my cheek to erase my tears.

"Then why are you crying? Has Sara hurt you again?" She asks with a quiet anger.

"Oh no sweety, she told me something that made me so happy I couldn't help myself but cry." I reassure her. She scrutinizes me for a moment then her expression softens "Now can I have my kiss hello?" I chuckle.

"Sure, you can even get a hug for the delay." She smiles before getting in my arms and kissing my cheek. "Hello mom."

"Hello sweety."

Lindsey and I get into the kitchen so I can fix her a little snack while she tells me about her day. Sara joins us and I can't stop the smile on my face because now my family is perfect again. After this little time together Lindsey goes in her room doing her homework while Sara and I just keep on talking on the kitchen. Then soon enough it's dinner time.

"…so Mrs Hickley asked us to think what play we'd like to do this year, so everyone came up with a proposition and I proposed 'The midsummer night dream', there were too many choices so we had to vote. I had to make a speech about why I chose this play, you know what I liked about it and all…" Lindsey says before putting a fork of food in her mouth.

"Really? How did it go?" I ask her eager to hear the end of her story.

"Not too bad, I think." She replies.

"So what play will you do this year?" Sara asks.

"Hum… that would be…" Lindsey starts looking up thinking about it "The midsummer night dream." She shrugs.

I nearly choke on my food before swallowing it then I chuckle happily "Linds that's great!"

"And what part will you play?" Sara asks with a big grin.

"Since it was my idea I got to choose my character so I chose to be Helena." Lindsey replies proudly.

"That's awesome." Sara laughs.

I get up and hug my daughter tightly "I am so proud of you." I say full of joy.

We keep eating and talking. I take a minute to watch Sara and Lindsey talking animatedly about the play and I think to myself that I couldn't dream of any better family portrait.

"Ok, it's going to be time for me to go to work. Honey you should get ready Nancy will be there anytime soon." I say to Lindsey.

"Well…actually I'd like to stay here if it's ok." She says shyly.

"I don't mind." I answer with a smile. I know that she's been avoiding to stay here ever since Sara got back I also know that if she's willing to stay tonight it means a lot for her and Sara, both.

"What do you say?" Lindsey asks to Sara.

"That'd be great." Sara says with a shy smile but you can see in her eyes that's she's really happy about it.

Things are getting good again. If I was a bit lost at the beginning of this day I'm definitely happy now.

xxxxx

I had one of the most horrible case since I can't remember when. Gruesome images are on my head right now and I can't seem to be able to shake them away. I got home thirty minutes ago, I took a shower as if to wash away the memories of this case, the repulsion it evoked in me but I don't feel any better now.

I'm lying in my bed staring at the ceiling. Sara's scent is lingering in the air. I think I haven't mention it before but ever since she hugged me one week ago she's more touchy and I'm glad for that. She seems to be able to get over her discomfort. Sure we still haven't kiss yet, she seems to hold back something every time there's something that stops her. I don't think about it much because now I can initiate touches which in itself it's something big. She has stopped rejecting me so I can wait a while longer for that kiss.

So like I was saying her scent is lingering in the air. I know she comes in my room to read when I'm at work or just to think. More recently – probably two or three days ago, she has started to come when I was there. She comes when she thinks I'm sleeping – obviously I wasn't – she lies next to me and spoon me from behind and stays there silently. I'm not sure she sleeps but she stays there for a while then she goes away before I get up. I, for my part, wait for her to come and then I let myself drift into sleep.

I'd like her to sleep with me all the time, and be there when I wake up but she doesn't seem ready so she keeps on sleeping on the spare room. Right now though I'd give anything to have her taking me into her arms and holding me tight. I need her to take all the bad things I've seen today away, I want her to give me comfort. I close my eyes tightly and think about the feeling I get when I'm in her arms it's a poor ersatz but it will have to do.

My door opens slightly and when I look at I don't need to look at it I know it's Sara since Lindsey is at school. I'm lying on my back and try not to move, not to open my eyes, I don't want her to go away. She sits on the bed and waits a moment before lying down next to me. She doesn't take me in her arms though.

"What are you thinking about?" She simply asks. So she knows I'm not sleeping, I might as well stop pretending. I open my eyes but keep on looking at the ceiling.

"Barney." I say.

"Who's that?"

"Not 'who', 'what'." I correct her. "It's a giant teddy bear. Nancy and I won it on a fair when we were teenagers. We would hug him when we didn't feel well. I think I wish I had him with me right now." I say with a sweet smile thinking about it.

"Well I think it's going to be hard to do as good as him, seems to be quite a pro at the hug and comfort thing, but I'm not afraid. I'm a poor substitute to Barney, but I can be your teddy bear." She says joking.

I turn to her and I can see she's a bit nervous but she's smiling. I turn on my side so I'm facing her. I poke a finger on her shoulder "You seem comfy, sweet and warm, that should do." I state seriously.

"Try me." she jokes opening her arms. I don't need to think about it, I close the distance and let her embrace me in a second. Gee that's where I belong, I missed being there. It's always been my favorite spot in her arms, with my head close to her chest so I can hear her heartbeat.

"Am I as good as Barney?" She asks after a moment.

"You're better by far." I reply instantly. I give into the comfort she's providing me. Then all the sudden all the emotions I had bottled up at work come crashing down and I start to sob uncontrollably.

"I got you, let it all go." She says tightening her embrace.

"Will you be there when I wake up?" I ask through my tears.

"Yes I will." She says firmly.

I keep on crying but since I'm in her arms I feel safe and better. I tell her about my case and she listens to me silently all the while giving me comfort and affection.

I was hoping for her to be there and here she is. Maybe I should wish things more often because lately someone is listening to me.

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**Okay, I'm getting all softy now... I'll come back with more soon. Once again thanks for your reviews you are amazing ;)  
**

**Thanks for reading. **


	83. Chapter 83

**Guess who's back... yay! Thanks for your reviews ;). You may call me a tease but hey I'll have you know that I'm being good so far, softy and all without angts so I have to play a little :). Anyway here's more.**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **Casara**, Babycake is how Sara usually called Lindsey - see the first chapter, then after their fight in chapter 57 Lindsey forbid her to call her that way, now I haven't change things about that yet.**

scubysnak**, you're not done cursing Lindsey yet... trust me. **

chimp1984**, I've decided to do some humor here and hopefully it's good, so try not to fall on your ass while reading it at work...lol :)  
**

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**Chapter 83: Sara**

I'm holding Catherine in my arms. I know it's not something impressive or anything but for me it's a huge event. It's a big step forward. She came back home from work and she seemed deeply upset about something. I turned in circles for a moment but I knew she needed me to be there for her. Sure she's letting me make the first move and she doesn't want to push me so she didn't asked, but I could see that she wanted me to. I wanted to be there for her as well.

So I went in her bedroom sat in the bed took a deep breath and here I am holding her while she sleeps. I've been doing that for the last three days only she was already asleep when I came. Today was different she was awake and we talked before sleeping together – well she's sleeping I'm just getting amazed at the new sensation.

I kiss her crown and tighten my embrace, one more day, one more step forward.

I kept on sleeping on the spare room because of my nightmares. I still have them and they're still vivid. I tend to wake up in cold sweat not knowing where I am in a state of panic bordering hysteria, so sleeping with someone is a bit complicated. Anyway now I'm here and I don't feel panicked or uneasy so I guess it's a good thing.

xxxxx

Today is Cath's day off. We've slept together two days in a row. I'm proud to say that I haven't had any nightmare during those times, Cath is like a dream catcher. I know it probably won't last but at least so far it was cool not to wake up with horrible visions.

So today is Cath's day off and we're not doing anything special just having a quality time together on the couch – translate: reading. She's teasing me, I think, kind of. Thirty minutes ago we were at each end of the couch, progressively she's been getting close to me, I on the other hand keep on pretending that I don't see her coming.

She lifts her left hand to turn the page of the book she isn't actually reading and when she sets her hand down she put it on my sigh. A wave of electricity travels through my whole body with that touch. "Why Ms Willows, are you flirting with me?" I say with a shaking voice.

"No, I'm not, I'm seducing you." She answers with a husky voice. She puts her book on the coffee table and turns to me – her left hand never leaving my body. I look at her and there's a fire in her eyes, a fire named: desire. I gulp and try to control my breathing. "Right now I'd really like to…" she starts as she leans toward me. I don't move, my body doesn't seem to respond to me right now. I'm holding my breath as her lips come to a stop only inches from mine. "…do some cuddling." She whispers.

I can feel her hot breath on my lips. My brain is screaming to my body to lean forward and taste those lips but I don't move. "Ok." My voice says. 'Ok'? That's all you stupid moron has to say? 'Ok'?. Gee, Sidle you're hopeless!

I drop my book and rest my back on the arm of the couch while Cath gets between my legs in a comfortable position. Two minutes later we're entangled together enjoying the closeness. My heart is racing and there's no way for her not to know that since her head is resting on my chest. But after a while it takes a regular pace. Once I'm used to the closeness I relax and circle Cath's body with my arms. One of my hands gets on her hair instantly.

We stay silent getting lost in the moment.

I know it will sound stupid but Cath and I haven't kissed yet – on the lips I mean. Not that I don't want to but you know, everything is like a first time now. I wait for the good moment. Ok so two minutes ago was a good moment, but like for all the opportunities I've had so far I froze. Yeah I froze, like I didn't know how to do it.

"Cath?"

"Hmm?"

"There's something I need to tell you." I state. "It's been on my chest for a while and well I just can't hold it anymore. I don't want you to take it the wrong way though."

"You sound serious." She says with a nervous smile. She lifts her head from its resting place and looks at me "Ok, shoot." She says with apprehension.

"Alright, here goes nothing." I say before taking a big breath "I hate the color of the walls." I say in a breath.

She chuckles "You too uh?" Before putting her head back on my chest.

"Those walls are just hideous." I snort "Were you blind when you chose the color?" I joke.

"Well for the record I didn't choose the color, Eddie did. Matter of fact he painted this room by himself, it was a surprise for me because I hadn't seen the house yet. I never told him that I hated it because he had made such an effort I thought it was cute. But after that I subtly took charge of the decoration." She confesses to me.

"And you did a good job at it." I reply. I mark a pause gathering my thoughts "I understand that it means something to you, I don't want to sound insensitive or anything, but haven't you ever thought about doing something about it, changing the paint?"

"Well after the divorce I stopped seeing the cute side of it all and to be honest I think about repainting them as soon as I spend more than five minutes in this room, meaning all the time." She says with a little snort.

"Why don't you?"

"My two jobs take me all my time." She states with a sigh.

"Two?"

"CSI and mother." She says wittily I chuckle in response.

"I can do it." I say suddenly.

"You want to repaint the house?" She asks me surprised. Looking at me again.

"Not the entire house, just this room. Now if you want to redo the painting of another room ok but… you know."

"You don't have to do this."

"I know, but I have time for this. I mean I spend most of my time trying to occupy myself so having a purpose won't kill me."

"You're serious?"

"Yeah. We could choose the color together, we can even redecorate the house if you want." I smile.

"That'd be great." She says kissing my cheek before resting her head again on her spot "I don't want you to feel like you had to though."

"I don't, trust me." I chuckle "It's just that… I want to make this ours, make it our home." I say before consulting my brain. Cath lifts her head up and looks at me intently. I look away feeling blush creeping on my cheeks. For what seems like an eternity she's silently scrutinizing me. I look away afraid that I might have cross a line here. She cups my chin and makes me looking at her.

"You mean this? Making this place _our_ home?" She says in a whisper. I don't answer. "Sara?"

I nod "Does it bother you?"

"Are you kidding? There's nothing I'd want more." She says with a radiant smile. I sigh in relief for a moment there I thought I had blew it.

I look at her and sure it is, there's love shinning in her eyes. Now is the moment, I want to kiss her, and this is the perfect moment. I caress her bottom lip, when I'm decided to lean in...

"Mom!" We turn our heads to Cake. "Ooops, sorry, am I interrupting something?"

So close yet so far. I think a little chat about timing wouldn't be wasted on Cake.

"No it's ok sweetie. What's up?" Cath says disentangling herself and sitting properly.

xxxxx

So after two days of reflection Cath, Cake and I have chosen a new color for the living room, then Cake wanted to change the color of her room and Cath thought that the spare room needed color as well. Now I paint while Cath is at work, then when Cake comes back to school she helps me. Cake is slowly trusting me again, she doesn't talk to me about everything as much as she used to but we're getting there.

I'm in Cake's room painting a wall in lagoon blue. Cath's been behind me for the last two minutes but hasn't say anything yet. I don't mind though and it's good it means I'm making progress. As a general rule I hate when someone is staring at me, now Cath can do that for hours and if it was really hard for me at the beginning, I'm slowly learning to feel at ease with this habit of hers.

"Hey Michelangelo." I hear from behind me.

I smile but don't turn to look at her "I was wondering when you would announce yourself." I say softly. I turn around and See Cath leaning in the door frame.

"You knew I was there?" She asks.

"My sixth sense is still working." I wink at her. I put my brush on the painting pot and go to her as usual I hug her a kiss her cheek. "Hello."

"I looks good, I like the color." She says watching my work. "How about making a break?" She asks with a smile.

"I'd like that." We go into the kitchen and I grab a bottle of water for her and serve myself a glass of milk. "Seeing something interesting." I say as I feel her gaze glue to my shoulder. She's standing next to me against the counter.

"This is new." She says caressing my left shoulder. Oh, now I understand.

"You're observant." I tease her. She pinches me gently in response and sticks her tongue to me. Then she takes her bottle of water and sits at the table.

"You know, I've seen this somewhere." She says pensively.

"I doubt so, unless you've seen Greg naked, that is." I say nonchalantly, bringing my glass to my lips. It was meant to be a joke but suddenly Cath is as red as a tomato, she has the expression of someone caught with the hand in the cookies jar – well paint me surprise. "Cath?"

She tightens her lips and closes her eyes before looking at me again "it was an accident." She finally says quickly.

"An accident? I'd really like to know how you've accidentally seen Greg naked." I states pensively. I keep a neutral face and keep on looking at her, trying very hard not to laugh.

"Well… he was getting out of the shower and I walk on him while he was dressing up again and I tried to get out fast without making myself noticed and well I saw him…" she starts to ramble. "He had his back facing me!" She adds hastily.

"I see you're having fun at work." I say biting the inside of my cheek. "You liked what you saw?" I ask her/

"I didn't stare Sara!" She protests.

"Come on and tell me you didn't notice his cute little butt." I tease her as she buries her face in her hands. She mumbles something that I don't understand "What was that?"

"Ok, ok fine. Yes I did look and yes he does have a cute little butt… happy?!"

"You're a naughty girl." I chuckle. I give her another ten seconds to realize that she's been fooled.

"Oh please shut up…" she says with her hands on her face. Then suddenly she stops shaking her head, there we are. She looks at me with a frown "Wait a minute… he's tattoo is on his left arm." She gasp in outrage "You tricked me… you …." She throws me a dish rag as I burst into laughter. "Bad Sara, that was bad." She scolds me.

"Admit it you were eager to confess." I say still laughing. She starts to sulk crossing her arms on her chest "Oh come on I was just joking, don't pout." She just sticks her tongue at me in response which only makes me giggle. I gather enough seriousness to give her my best puppy eyes "I'm sorry." I add a little pout for good measure and she bursts into laughter as well.

Once we're calm again I sit at the table next to her. "So you two got tattooed together?" She asks me.

"Yep. When we got back from California, the very first thing we did was to get tattooed. It was to carve this trip into our memories, to immortalize it." I explain with a smile. I take another gulp of milk before looking at Cath. She has a sad smile and looks a bit lost "Hey what's wrong?" I ask her putting my hand over hers on the table.

I don't understand her sudden change of mood, I think hard to see if I've said something wrong but nothings comes in mind. Now I'm confused. "We've never talked about it" she says.

"About what?"

"You know, the whole Adam thing, your trip to California. Why did you go there? What did you do there?" She snorts. "It's funny because this case tore us apart. I can understand why now but… We've never talked about it."

I let go of her hand and sigh. She's right we've never talked about it but I honestly didn't want to. I mean this case has hit home. I realize that Cath must think that I won't talk about it with her now, she's fidgeting getting ready for rejection I guess. I take a deep breath and look at her again.

"Let's talk about it then." I simply say taking back her hand in mine.

"You know I had to witness you almost getting killed." She starts. "I wanted to be there for you, and then next thing I know you're in California not even planning to come back. I spent three days torturing myself about whether or not you'd come back, whether or not you would leave everything behind, leave me behind, just like that." She says snapping her fingers.

"This case has affected me like no other because I knew those girls and Adam in so far as I was like them. This case triggered all those things I desperately try not to think about. You know all those things Adam said were true, and I actually gave thought about his proposition." I confess "It's a bit sad when you think that if this case had happened let say two years before I probably wouldn't have fight. But when I had Adam's gun in my mouth I thought about you, I thought about the guys, but mostly I thought about you."

I take another deep breath. "Anyway, after Adam shot himself I didn't know what I felt or if I felt anything at all. All I knew is that everything was too much, it was like all the horrible thing I'd seen for the past five year and a half were crashing down into me, I just need to get out of here, find the oxygen." I shrug.

"Why California?" She asks.

"Because in spite of everything I always find myself back there. I feel safe and free there. I told you about my last foster family?"

"Yeah, the Baileys."

"Yep, well I went to see my foster brothers so to speak. They're always there for me, anytime, anywhere. It was good to see them. Greg and I spent three days with them, surfing, having fun, relaxing, enjoying life.. That's what we really needed." I sigh "Being there also gave me time to think. I realized that I couldn't just get back to work and be tough and move on."

"That's why you take a time off?" she says.

I nod "Yeah, I had reached a point where either I took a break either I quit all this for good. Had I stayed, I gave myself one week before quitting this job. I love my job to much to give it up, so I opt for the wisdom." I say with a sigh. "Not to mention that I had a lot to fix in my life." I say looking at her in the eyes. She squeezes my hand and then kisses it. "But look on the bright side, now you get to have a house looking fresh and new." I say to lighten up the mood.

"True." She chuckles.

"You know, I'd like you to meet my 'brothers' someday, my blood related brothers and the foster brothers."

"I'd love to."

"Cool." I reply then finishing my milk. I get up and clean my glass in the sink.

"There's something I wonder." Cath announces and I turn to her.

"Sure, shoot." I encourage her.

"How did you know about Greg's cute little butt?" She asks with a shit eating grin. And here I thought I had dodged the bullet. I don't answer shaking my head hoping she'll drop it – yeah right who am I kidding? "So?"

"I just did." I answer evasively not wanting to bring this particular topic on the table.

There's a sparkle in her eyes and I know it means that we'll talk about that stupid decontamination shower in a matter of seconds. "So it's true, you showered together!" She says excitedly. "Ooh I want details." She waggles her eyebrows.

"You make it sound dirty." I shake my head.

"Oh come on it must have been hot." She replies still smiling from ear to ear.

"Sure it was, especially with the four guys in blue cosmonaut suit washing us."

"Eww… Not so hot." She says with a whine.

"I'd say better it was so not hot." I reply shuddering at the memory.

"Anyway back at the matter at hands. How was he?" Her shit eating smile return. I can't believe this woman!

"Who?" I feign ignorance.

"Don't you play coy on me." She scolds me. "Greg, how was Greg?" She spells out.

"Oh my god, you're such a pervert."

"Maybe but at least I didn't look at it." She states.

"Wow, who said I did?"

"I didn't hear you denying it." She comes back.

"Fair point." I concede.

"So?"

"So what?"

"Share you goof!" she says impatiently.

"You're unbelievable." I shake my head again.

"Sara!"

"Fine, yes I did took a peek at it, a quick one!" I can't believe I'm doing this.

"And?"

I sigh, I might as well get over this "And…well let's putting it that way: world is full of surprises." I say cryptically.

"Surprises uh?" she teases me.

I feel my cheek burning so much I'm embarrassed "Yeah especially considering that it was a rather very cold shower." I add.

"Holy…Greg?…wow…" Cath says giggling.

"Geez, I can't believe we're talking about Greg's… manhood." I shiver "I need a shower." I state. I kiss a giggling Catherine on the head and leave her in the kitchen.

"Ok, I'll make dinner in mean time." She states in between giggles.

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**Ok, just remember good things come to those who wait so be patient and have faith in me, you'll get what you're waiting for soon I promise ;)...** **I'll come back with more hopefully before the end of the week end. Yeah I'm putting a very little warning here, I'm in need for a little angst fiw so it shouldn't be too far ahead...(my evil side is tempting me again... nothing too much though because I'll have to finish this story at some point or another...lol)**

**Thanks for reading ;) **


	84. Chapter 84

**Just like I promised I'm back with more and before the end of the week end! I've been good for long so there might be some drama (just a little, very little bit).**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **scubysnak**, you're trying to tell me something, I can feel it, if only I knew what... just kidding :p**

chimp1984**, well at least you're just crazy among your family... :p**

Casara**, if I keep writing this story forever you and I might get bored about it... :) **

Jackie**, yes I have to put an end to this story (sadly I do :( ...snif ) there are less than five chapters left (I actually thought I would have finished this three chapters ago but I have a few thing more to say so I've been pushing the thing a little further.) so enjoy while you can. Every good thing has an end, right:)  
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**Chapter 84: Catherine**

Sara is having a shower and here I am making dinner. Things are good between us. They truly are, we're getting close again, but it's not enough. I mean we haven't kissed ever since she got back home. Sure now we hug each other and snuggle together more often but I start to want more than that. On the other hand I don't want to ruin this or give her a reason to runaway. I know that it has to come from her not from me. So I have to be patient, although it's getting harder everyday.

I know she wants to kiss me, I can see that much in her eyes but every time she's holding back, it's like she was changing in stone during those times. And when finally she's ready Lindsey barges in. Anyway I'm sure it will come at the right time.

Sara has put some music in the bathroom and I can't help myself but dancing to it.

"One way or another, I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna get you, get you, get you, get you…" I sing along.

I love dancing. And when I start I get lost in another world, it's just pure bliss for me. I feel free when I dance, I think only those who like dancing knows what I'm talking about. I just close my eyes and then it's like flying.

When I open my eyes Sara is watching me from the island with a soft grin gracing her lips and an admiring look. It's only now, that I realize the absence of music. Seems like I've been too carried away. I can feel blush stinging my cheek.

"You're gorgeous when you dance." Sara says, only aggravating my blush.

"Thank you."

"I just realized we've never dance together." She says pensively. She reaches her hand out to me "Would you dance with me?"

"With pleasure. Let me put some music." I say starting to walk away but she doesn't let me go.

"We already have all we need." She says with a smile. I frown "Close your eyes and follow me." She whispers.

She pulls me flushed against her. She takes one of my hand and hold it on her heart while the other circles my waist. Then she starts to sway us gently. I'm about to make a remark about this being more fun with some music when she starts to hum a song softly. I close my eyes as she told me and let her voice carries me away. After a moment she starts to sing.

"I'll be loving you eternally….with a love that's true eternally…from the start within my heart it seems I've always known…. The sun would shine when you were mine and mine alone…"

I can help but holding her tightly as her words move me. I can feel my heart beating faster, and it's like I was walking on a cloud.

"I'll be loving you eternally… there'll be no one new… my dear for me…. though the sky should fall remember I will always be… forever true and loving you eternally…"

She starts to hum softly again, then she takes the second verse one more time. When she reaches the final note she bends me gently backward and pulls me back to her. She cups my face a whips some tears I wasn't aware of crying. She smiles softly and I feel myself holding my breath as she starts to lean in. Please don't let anything or anyone break this moment. And then our lips meet…finally. I feel my heart literally explode with happiness.

Wow.

She deepens the kiss and I tighten my grip on her. Damn I had missed this. It's like our very first kiss. Kissing her is just like I remembered but somewhere it's all new. We pull back when our need for oxygen gets stronger than our need to kiss each other. We don't break the contact, resting our forehead against one another.

"Thank you." She whispers.

"What for?" I ask confused. If nothing I should be the one thanking her.

"For the dance and this." She says kissing me softly again.

"You're welcome." I say with the biggest smile I've ever sported.

xxxxx

How my life could be any better? Frankly I don't know. Everything is for the best so far.

You know after all that happened I'd say there's a positive thing in all this. Now the relationship I have with Sara is simply stronger and more intense. For the first time I'm truly connected with someone and it's absolutely amazing. Everything from our sweet words to our touches of affection and our kisses. Yeah because since she's kissed me I feel like something in me had been unleashed, and as soon as I can my lips are on hers. I think if it wasn't for Lindsey or work my lips would never leave hers.

Kissing her is my new favorite activity. I mean we've made out a lot in the past but now whenever we kiss it's more intense more… just more. It's a sensation that takes my whole body. I can't describe it to you but it's so deep and pure and intense. I just love this.

"Mom, we can go." I shake my head out of my reverie and turn to find Lindsey sitting in the car next to me.

"I didn't see you coming." I state.

"Yeah I think I could have told by myself since I've been calling you like five times." She says rolling her eyes. I just chuckle and start the car., heading home.

Lindsey processes to tell me about her day during our drive home. Once we're on the driveway she steps out of the car bouncing and running to the door. Since she has her very own set of keys of the house she wants to be one to open it, I gave it to her two months ago, as a display of trust and her first step into the world of responsibilities.

I join her soon and two seconds later I'm inside watching her hugging Sara hello, waiting for her to let go of Sara so I can kiss her. There's teasing tingle travelling my whole body in anticipation. A nanosecond after Lindsey steps away I'm in Sara's arms kissing her senseless. When oxygen starts to bother me I pull back – not too far though. "Hey there, I missed you." I say in a husky tone.

"Me too." She has barely the time to answer before I kiss her again. I am so addicted to those lips.

"Gosh, ladies be sure to be done kissing in about an hour, we're supposed to go to the theater remember?" Lindsey says from behind us.

I tear my lips from Sara's a second "Yes mom." I reply kissing Sara again.

"Tsss…teenagers." I hear Lindsey teasing back. Sara and I giggle in our kiss as we hear Linds retreating in her room.

Sara and I kiss passionately, letting our tongues playing together. Suddenly she pulls back, I lean in again but she avoids my lips so I give her a confused look "Cake… homework." She says in between two raged breath.

"Right…Don't be too long." I say stepping away in a second of clarity. Sara passes me and starts to turn toward the main door "Honey, it's the other way." I say giggling, I admit that orientation can be tricky when in hormonal daze.

"Right." She states shaking her head and going to Linds' room.

xxxxx

Tonight is my night off and we've decided to have a family going out, and since Lindsey's been talking about a movie she has to see we're going to the theater before eating outside, then Linds has a sleepover. A nice evening in perspective.

Four hours later we're back home. The movie was good and Sara has taken us to a nice little dinner, I've never been before. It was simply great.

"Mom, have you seen my blue top?" Lindsey asks me entering the living room.

"It's on top of your dresser." I answer from the couch.

"Ok, thanks." She says disappearing again.

"Hey babe I'm making coffee, do you want some?" Sara asks me from the kitchen. I get up from the couch and walk to her silently. I circle her waist from behind and nibble at her ear gently. She moans a little.

"I'd like that please." I reply before kissing her neck.

"I spoke to Travis today." She says tilting her head on her side so I have more skin to kiss.

"Really? How is he?" I ask before taking care of her neck again.

"He's about to be a father twice." She says with a smile. I stop kissing her and look at her confused.

"Twice?"

"Yeah, Karen is expecting twins." She announces me.

"That's great!" I say laughing a bit. "He must be happy."

"Yeah, like a kid on super mega sugar high." She replies before kissing me. Geez, I love kissing that woman!

"Mom! I can't find my top!" Linds calls from her bedroom. If I didn't love that kid I'd tape her mouth because she always has the worst timing.

I sigh and kiss Sara's neck one more time "I'll be back." I say before joining Lindsey.

Fifteen minutes later Linds hugs me goodbye and does the same with Sara "Ok, see you tomorrow." She says before running to her friends outside. We wave her goodbye from the threshold. Once we close the door my lips get on Sara's like they were attracted to a magnet. She kisses me back and we stumble to the couch.

We're caught in a rather heavy make out session when my desire takes the best of me. One of my hands gets under her top and starts to caress the soft skin there. Suddenly Sara pulls away gripping my hand firmly "Stop, stop." She says before sitting up hastily, nearly throwing me on the ground in the process. I get off her laps and try to regain my breath. She has this look of sheer panic in her eyes, almost as if she was afraid I'd hurt her.

She looks away and starts rocking herself a little breathing heavily and fast. She's twisting her shaky hands and got her eyes closed. She tries to calm down by taking deep breaths but it doesn't seem to work. I reach out a hand to soothe her but she jerks away as if burnt "Don't, don't touch me." she says. I feel hurt but I can't really blame her for her panic attack now can I? She puts her palms over her eyes to contain her tears I guess and rock herself harder. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She whispers.

Now that I know what her flashbacks must be made of I understand her reject for my touch. I can't even start to imagine where she is right now but I have to bring her back to me, where it's safe.

"Honey it's ok." I reassure her but she shakes her head in protest. I'm lost, I don't know what to do, or what to say. Then again, I can't do anything if she doesn't let me. "Do you want me to leave you alone?" I ask her gently. Once again she shakes her head. I make a decision and reach out for her again. Once again she tenses up sign for me that I should let it go but I don't back down, I take her in my arms and hold her until she starts to relax.

She holds me back crying herself out. I just rock her gently soothing her. Once she's calmed down we go in our bedroom for a moment I'm afraid she'll go in the spare room, but she stays with me, and I'm glad for it. She falls asleep soon after getting into bed, I just hold her tight and hope to get some rest although I doubt I'll get any.

Every time I try to go a little further in our relationship, there are signs telling me 'too soon, too fast', Sara's little crisis was no exception. I hope thing won't get worse and that it was an isolated event.

I wake up in the sound of crying. I turn around, sure it is Sara is crying. "Honey, honey what's wrong?" I ask her. But she doesn't answer. I call her two more times before understanding that she's still asleep. I take her in my arm again and whisper soothing words hoping to calm her down.

Please, let it not start again.

xxxxx

Just when I thought everything was fine, it has started again. Sara's nightmares came back full force. Sure now she's talking to me but she's getting aloof again, tensed around me and defensive. I feel lost because she's hurting, that much I can see, but I don't know how making her feel better or how to reach her.

She cries in her sleep, sometimes she has mood swings, some other times she cries for nothing. She wakes up at night and goes crying quietly in the living room then she comes back to bed. It's hard because I don't know on what foot I'm supposed to stand. Now I know what Travis meant when he said she would be on weird phases.

"I'm home." I announce coming back from work. I have three hours to spare, then Sara and I will have to take Lindsey to school. She wanted to stay at Nancy's. She's less over there now that Sara is home everyday. I enter the house and drop my things. "Honey?" I call and still meet silence. I look at the mail and then direct myself in the corridor and frown as I hear strange noises.

The sounds gets clearer as I'm getting closer from my bedroom. Sobs and cries. I enter the room hastily and find Sara sat on the floor against a wall, shaking like a leave and crying hard. I rush to her sides. "Honey? Hey what's wrong?" I say gently as I reach her.

"I…don't know…everything…" She tries to say between her sobs "It was… all fine… and then… I don't know…" Her sobbing increases and so is her shaking. I take her in my arms and start to rock her gently.

"I'm here now. Try to calm down. Breathe in and out."

Okay, now I can say that I'm panicking. This is not good, not good at all. And I refuse to fall back in our mistakes from the past, it hurts too much.

xxxxx

"_Hello?"_

"Travis? Hi, it's Catherine."

"_Hey, what's up? It's good to hear you."_ He answers genuinely happy.

"It's good to hear you too. Congratulation, by the way, I heard about the new."

"_Thanks, I'm happy and excited!"_

"I can hear that. That's great really." I say. He asks me how I am, and asks about Lindsey, then I ask him about his family and all. We talk easily and though I'd never thought about it I'm really glad to hear him.

"_How's Sunshine?"_ he asks changing the subject.

"I don't really know. Not good I'd say." I reply with a sigh.

"_How so?"_

"I feel a bit lost and confused. I can't reach her and…"

"_You're giving up?"_ He cuts me bluntly. His tone is cold, icy cold I might say compared to how warm it was a minute ago.

"No, it's just that I don't know where I stand and I don't know what to do. She's hurting and I don't know what to do."

He sighs _"I can't give you what you're expecting from me. There's no such thing as an instruction book or precise attitudes to have according to her mood or anything else. I wish there was, but there isn't."_

"I know, I just don't know what to do. And I know I won't stand this situation, because it's too painful."

"_So you are giving up."_ He states firmly.

"I am not. I just feel lost ok." I reply between my teeth. I'm frustrated by his attitude, of all people I thought he would understand what I feel. Guess I was wrong.

"_I warned you. I told you it wouldn't be easy. And now you're acting as if you didn't know that."_

"This is not what I'm saying!"

"_You told me that you were ready to face anything. Now first complication and you're giving up."_

"It's not easy, and it hurts me and I don't think I can go through this again."

"_Since when relationships are supposed to be easy? So if I get you right you're only here for the good time. Well that's pretty."_

"You're twisting my words I didn't…" I start to protest.

"_Listen to you! You're whining about it not being easy. One bump on the road and you give up."_ He says with a whining voice.

"It's not a bump it's a freaking wall!" I shout.

"_So what?"_ He spits.

"So what?" I repeat in disbelief.

"_Yes, so what Catherine? There's a wall, big freaking deal. If there's a wall you build a ladder to get above it, you dig a hole to get under it, hell you hit your fist on it until the blood came if that's what it takes to break it!"_ He says vehemently. _"For the best and for the worst, does that mean anything to you? This is how it's supposed to be. But you know what you're right to give up, at least you'll preserve yourself and that's the most important isn't it? All your words were just that? Words. Well at least now we know that you don't have the shape for this. So you're right give up that's for the best. So you know…"_

Who the fuck does he think he is, speaking to me like that?! Like I was some coward. I was angry but now I'm pissed off "Shut up! That's enough ok! You don't know me! I'm determined, stubborn as hell, I'm a fighter and if there are words I don't know the meaning of it's 'giving up'!" I reply with rage, I can feel it burning me from inside.

"_Are you sure of that? Because you sounded like a quitter to me." _He says with cockyness.

"I'm a fighter, worst I'm a fury." I say through clenched teeth.

"_So you're going to put up a fight for this?"_

"You bet I am!"

"_You know you just have to say three words, and I'll be in the next plane. Three little words 'I. Give. Up.', come on, three words and I'm coming by the next plane. Three hours and the rescue squad will be there."_ He replies and I can hear laughter in his voice. He's pissing me off a little more.

"Fuck the rescue squad, I don't need it." I answer harshly, feeling a fire burning my veins.

"_You're going to fight for this?"_ He states.

"Yes." I sneer.

"_Show me what you got then."_ He dares me with a despitful voice.

"Watch and learn kid, because you don't know who Catherine Willows is yet!" I say and with that I hang up.

Asshole.

xxxxx

Sara is sitting on the kitchen with a glass of milk in front of her. I sit wordlessly next to her. I'm about to say something when she speaks "Do you want me to go back to my apartment?"

"Where did that come from?" I ask confused about her question.

"I know this situation is getting to you. I wish I could explain what's going on but I can't. I don't understand it myself. If you think it's better for me sort this out before…"

"Do you want to go back to your apartment?" I cut her. She looks at me uncertain. She shrugs but doesn't answer. "You're right, this situation is getting to me. I don't like seeing you hurting and not being able to actually do something about it. But it doesn't mean I will give up that easily. Now if you think that space is what you need and that going back to your apartment will help you to feel better, I don't say I'll be happy about it, but I'm ready to make a compromise because I want you to be okay. But I won't give you an easy way out." I stop and let my words sink in before going on "I love you, for the best and the worst. I want you to keep that in mind."

"I want to be here with you. I want to be fine again." She finally says after a long silence.

"Then we'll make it through together." I say taking her in my arms.

Later when Sara is sleeping I make a phone call. Earlier I thought I needed comfort, that I needed someone to hold my hand and guide me. In the end I didn't need this at all. And someone knew it.

"_Hello?"_

"Thanks for kicking my ass earlier." I simply say.

I hear a smirk _"Anytime."_

"Yeah, well don't make a habit of it, because I'd have to kick yours."

"_I'll try to remember that."_ He chuckles lightly.

I feel like he's about to hang up so I call him "Travis?"

"_Yeah?"_

"I broke the wall by the way."

"_One down, well done, but there are a lot more left."_ He states seriously.

"Piece of cake." I chuckle. And with that I hang up.

I know it won't be easy, I know I might be hurt in the process, but I'll be damn if I give up on Sara, if I give up on us.

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**Alright that's it for today but the next update isn't far behind. The song Cath sings is **_'One way or Another'_** from **Blondie** and the one Sara sings is **_'Eternally'_** from **Charlie Chaplin **(what can I say, I'm a fan :p )**

**Thanks for reading.**


	85. Chapter 85

**Hey everyone I'm really sorry for all the delay but I have a piano contest this week-end and I had to practice like a mad to perfect things... anyway I'm back and if things go my way there are only two chapters left. Thanks for your reviews!  
**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps:** scubysnak**, I've been thinking really hard and I can't for the life of me figure out what's missing... :p... I might find it soon, who knows?  
**

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**Chapter 85: Sara**

I'm getting better as days go. I tend to have less break downs for nothing. I have to say that talking with Cath – as difficult as it is sometimes – helps a lot. It's great now, because we have this amazing connection that we didn't have before, well we were connected before but it wasn't anything compare to what we have right now. What we have now is more beautiful and more…how can I say…it's just stronger than before.

Being able to speak freely without the fear of losing the one you love is a gift. I'm glad I can share all my fears and insecurities with Catherine now. I feel more free.

Sure I still have some issues but I don't get so obsess or affected by them now.

xxxxx

I'm at Nancy's. Her car broke down so I'm trying to fix it. We're in her driveway talking laughing, having a good time.

"I'm glad that things are good again between Cath and you." She says out of the blue.

"Yeah. We're taking thing slowly."

"Slow is good." She smiles. She studies me for a moment in silence. "What's wrong?"

"I think it's your motor, I think it's because…"

"I'm not talking about the car." She states. I look at her and frown, she tilts her head as if to say 'you know what I mean'.

I sigh "I don't know. I feel like I didn't know how to do this anymore." I try to explain.

"Do what?"

"Loving her, I guess."

"You love her right? Please tell me you're not playing with her feelings because if you are…" She starts vehemently.

"Hey, I love her, I do" I cut her off.

"Then what? I don't understand." She says confused.

"I feel like I wasn't loving her the right way. You see, before I knew what to do and everything seemed right. Now everything is just confusing, I don't understand myself and I don't know what to do. There are constantly questions swirling in my head and my feelings are awkward and not… full. I don't know how to explain it to you. It's like my feelings were locked in a cage and I don't know how to open the damn thing so I feel like holding back, and somewhere I think I do hold back." I tell her honestly.

Sure, Cath and I are moving forward, but still I feel like I was lost. Something is different and I don't know what or what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I'm just paranoid maybe not. I know that I'm not in osmosis with myself, it's like I just woke up in somebody's else body. I don't have the instruction book so everything goes awry most of the time. It's frustrating!

"Well, you should ask yourself why you're not totally involve in your relationship with Cath. Find what's holding you back, then process slowly. I mean you have a scientific mind surely if you look at evidences you should find what's holding you back." Nancy tries to reassure me.

I guess I have to start looking for the evidences then.

xxxxx

I went out with Robin today. We grew quite close ever since he tattooed me, he's a nice guy really. I thought a lot since my conversation with Nancy. And I found one thing that was holding me back. So I've spent the week trying to sort things out. It's just a thing among others but I think that it's a good start.

When I come back home I find Catherine pacing like a caged animal. She doesn't seem to know I'm here, so I decide to sit on the couch and wait for her to acknowledge my presence.

Five whole minutes pass without her saying anything. Then she suddenly stops and looks at me "Call me paranoid, but I have the feeling that you're hiding something from me and I can't stand this. I thought we had made progress in the communication department, but I won't support it if we go back to the pushing away thing."

I take a deep breath. I was hoping to have more days to prepare myself for this conversation but now is the time apparently. "I've decided to sell my apartment. Robin was looking for one, so I've decided to sell mine."

"What?" Catherine says with a shocked expression, obviously not expecting this.

"I know it's the kind of decision we should have discussed before but somehow I didn't want to. I was afraid you would talk me out of it, telling me it's too early or I don't know. I was afraid to have this conversation for a lot of stupid reasons. I'm sorry for keeping this from you." I get up and stand in front of Cath. I look at her and wish that I was good with words.

She seems confused as hell about my decision. I think she's not quite over her shock so she doesn't speak. I take that as an opportunity to explain myself.

"There's one thing our break up made me understand, 'home' is where you and Lindsey are. Things are slowly getting back in order and I don't want to rush it. I just thought that somewhere I couldn't really move on, because having my apartment was holding me back, it was a way out, a safety just in case. And that was unfair because it was yet another way for me to hide. I realized that if I wanted us to work I'd have to give up on my safety web and take risk. I'm willing to take risk, to risk everything just to be with you and make this work and…"

"You're moving in definitely?" She asks me suddenly.

"If that's ok with you, yes. If you think I should wait I still wan turn back because…."

I don't get the chance to finish my rambling as Cath is kissing the daylight out of me. "So I guess it's good thing then." I say panting when she pulls back.

"It's safe to say that yes it is." She smiles before kissing me again.

xxxxx

"Aren't you supposed to be in bed?" I ask. Though I can't see her I know Cake is near.

"How did you know I was there? I didn't make any sound." She says, coming out of her hiding place.

"Supervision." I simply answers and she rolls her eyes in response. "You want some?" I ask referring to the ice cream pot I'm currently eating.

"It's almost one in the morning." She states.

"I know, but that's not the point." I can see her hesitating and chuckle "Look if your mom asks, I forced you."

She giggles and grabs a spoon before sitting next to me. She starts eating silently. She seems a bit worried and keeps on looking out the window. There's a big storm tonight, rain is pouring down, thunder is fending the air, well a big storm. "So why aren't you sleeping?" I ask after a long silence.

She looks at me briefly and then turn her attention to her spoon as if she had never seen anything more interesting in her life. "I'm…" Whatever she's saying is mumbled so lowly that it doesn't sound like words.

"What was that?"

"Look, it's embarrassing." She sighs "I'm scared of thunder ok?! I feel like a baby! I know I shouldn't be scared but I am." She confesses quickly.

"I am scared of thunder." I state with a shrug.

"Yeah right."

"I am, I don't really like darkness either and sometimes I have nightmares."

"You're serious?" she asks surprised.

"Yes I am."

"But you're a grown up."

"Well being a grown up doesn't stop you from being human." I chuckle. "But it helps to deal with it. And you can eat ice cream at any time of the day without fearing of being scold."

She laughs a bit "Yeah that is cool." She says before eating a spoon full of ice cream "Why aren't you sleeping?"

"There's a lot of things going on my mind."

"Like what?"

"Well…"

I don't know how to express myself. And now I'm about to talk about my relationship problem with a thirteen year old. Then again it's Cake we're talking about so it's somehow different. Well let's try a little figure of speech here. Here goes nothing.

"Supposed you had a friend, a comedian. She's been acting the same part for three months and it was brilliant, really brilliant."

"Like you and Travis on the tape?" She cuts me off eagerly.

"I supposed yeah." I smirk. "Anyway your friend has taken a long break and now she has to act the same part again only something is off. It's not like before and she can't find the feeling she had before. So she comes to you and says 'I feel like I was different, I don't understand what's wrong and it's confusing'. What would you tell her?" I say hoping she has understood my point because I suck at metaphors.

Cake frowns and thinks about what I've just said. "You're stupid." She states. Ok, not really the answer I wanted. "I mean, mom told me we were a different person everyday because we learn something new everyday or because we make mistakes. That's what growing is all about. Look at me, I wasn't afraid of thunder before, but now I am because it reminds me of the accident. You know, when Daddy died." She whispers. "I've never said this to mom but when it rains like this and we're in the car I'm scared it will happen again."

She stays silence for a while and takes a deep breath "Anyway the point is that you change everyday. If she doesn't feel as good as before that's because she's making everything wrong. She should try to be who she is now instead of trying to be who she was yesterday. I'm sure everything will be better after that." She says shrugging before putting a spoon full of ice cream in her mouth.

It's funny how a new point of view can change everything. When you're adult you tend to create complications whereas when you're young you tend to avoid them, strange how logical goes uh?

I've been feeling different lately and I couldn't put my finger on why I was feeling this way. Now I do. I tried to be like before instead of being myself. Everything is different now, I am different, my relationship with Cath is different yet I didn't accept that. Instead I was looking back. It's like I've been seeing everything blurry for months and now for the first time I was seeing clear again.

I get a bit up and lean in to kiss Cake on her forehead. "You're a genius." I say with a stupid smile. Cake looks at me like I was crazy.

"Ok, if you say so." She mumbles.

We discuss a little more, she tells me about her new friends Eric and Eleanor – who prefers to be called Elie, they're twins, they just moved in and she gets along with them. I suspect that she has a crush on Eric if her blushing is of any indication. Soon Cake yawns. "Ok time to go back to bed babycake." I say. Getting up and starting to clean the kitchen. "Oh and don't forget to brush your teeth first."

"Yes mom."

"Brat." I smirk.

After a minute or two Cake comes back in the kitchen and hugs me silently. I return her embrace "I haven't told it before but I'm really happy you're back home." I squeeze her a little. "Well, good night."

I kiss her head before messing her hair a bit. "Sweet dreams babycake."

Once I'm done in the kitchen, I join Cake in the bathroom and we wash our teeth then go back to our respective beds. As soon as I lay down Cath snuggles against me. I put my arms around her and kiss her head gently.

"If she's tired because she was on sugar high all night I'll be mad." She says in a sleepy and lazy voice. "I hope you made her wash her teeth before going back to bed."

"I did."

"Good." She says then rearrange her position in my arms. "And you better buy me a new ice cream pot for your own good."

"I will. You get grouchy when you don't have your sugar fix." I joke.

"You bet."

She tightens her grip on me and then she stays silent so I suppose she's sleeping again. I enjoy contently the closeness. I'm about to drift into sleep when her voices resound again "Sara?"

"Yeah?"

She kisses my pulse point "I love you." And with that she gets back to sleep.

I can't help the goofy grin plastering itself on my face before letting myself go peacefully in Morpheus embrace.

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**Ok that's it and unfortunately I won't be able to update this week end because of the contest. But I promise to make it worth your time ;)**

**Thanks for reading.**


	86. Chapter 86

**Rock on people, I'm back with one of the last chapters. Thanks for your words of encouragement for my contest that was really sweet – I took the 6th place on 87 so I pretty happy about myself… that being said, thanks for all your reviews!**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**Ps: **scubysnak**, so it wasn't ice cream that you wanted? Damn I could have sworn that was it :p… Then what could it be?… oh I got it!… Chocolate, right? … What?…Something _better_ than chocolate? Does such a thing exist? And if does, what can it possibly be?…hmm... I wonder… well check out if I've found it or not ;)**

madalyn,** I hate to break it to you but there won't be any sequel.The reason I actually went through all those 86 chapters ( so far and soon to be 87) was because I didn't want a sequel once I had brought Cath and Sara together. So basically I've made a story that will stand on its own. Sorry if I disappoint :)**

FloatingInMoon**, yeah well I thought about the quote... it didn't keep me from being sick before getting in stage though...lol ;) thanks.**

chimp1984,** there's absolutely nothing you can do to srop from ending this story... sorry about that.**

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**Chapter 86: Catherine**

I'm on the back porch having another mug of coffee and watching Lindsey playing with her new friends and Jeremy in the backyard. It's a sunny afternoon, which came as a surprise because after last night storm I wasn't expecting such a bright day, but I'm not complaining. Two sneaky hands get on my waist startling me a bit. Instinctively I lean back against the warm body those hands belong to and I'm rewarded with a soft kiss on my neck.

"Hey there." Sara says. We contemplating the children silently for a little while, filling our ears with their laughter and cheerful voices. We came back from Nancy's an hour ago, where we had a nice lunch, to my surprise Warrick was there too – apparently it was a thank you lunch about some help he had provided her, but it was nice. My CSI's skills tell me there's something more there.

"I think there's something going on between Warrick and Nancy." I state.

"You too uh?"

"Well at lunch I thought they were… close I'd say. I don't think they're together, at least not yet, but my sister was like a school girl on a crush." I reply chuckling.

"Yeah well the other day when I was fixing Nancy's car he came by. He's teaching her how to play chess, I played with them actually. Anyway I thought there was an alchemy between them so I suspect them to be together or at least to get there. And if it can reassure you I think Nancy isn't the only one with a crush." Sara says pensively.

Right, chess I think they went playing in a club after lunch. I remember Nancy asking me if I knew some players a while ago. I knew for a fact that Warrick and Sara were playing so I told her so. Now I understand how they got close, not that they weren't before. Warrick is one of the first member of my team I introduced Nancy to. He and I got close friends pretty soon after his arrival, he helped me out more than once with Lindsey and Nancy and him got friends after a while.

"You're ok with that?" She asks me after a moment shaking me out of my reverie.

"Hmm?"

"I asked you if you were ok with the idea of Nancy and Warrick together." Sara repeats herself with a chuckle.

I shrug "Well, Rick's a good guy I trust him with my life. He's my best friend and I know that he could make Nancy happy. So… I think it's cool. Beside, Nancy generally have taste when it comes to men, she doesn't take any crap from anyone so they might be good for each other. If they get together I'll make sure he knows that if he messes with her I'll rip him apart, but other than that I'll be glad for them." Once more Sara chuckles and I can feel the sweet sound reverberating on my back.

I turn to her and kiss her gently. She smiles widely in response. I sigh contently as we start talking nicely and watching the kids playing.

xxxxx

I've barely been home this week. And if I was it was never for more than four hours. I'm so tired I'm wondering how I'm still holding myself up, I drag myself to bed in order to have sleep for the first time since what seems an eternity. I've spend three hours with Lindsey before Sara took her to her friends for the week end. Her friends have decided to go camping, so I let her go as a reward for her straight As in school lately. I've barely seen Sara but I'm telling myself that I have the two next days off, so I'll have her to myself for all this time.

She's been retreating into herself a bit, but I let her deal with whatever was on her mind since she didn't want to share. Then last week there was a storm and I heard noises coming from the kitchen. She was having a ice cream with Linds at almost one in the morning. To be honest, I wasn't really happy at first but I didn't have the heart to break their moment. Anyway ever since then she seems to have figure things out. She's still a bit awkward around me, but it's ok, I give her time and space because now I know that sometimes that's all she needs.

Yes, I'm learning to be patient. It's hard since it has never been my strong suit, but I'm doing my best. And I'm proud of myself so far.

xxxxx

I roll over on my side and blink my eyes open, I find Sara watching me silently. After several attempts I open my eyes properly. I feel so good now that I've slept.

"Hey there." Sara greets me.

"Hey. How long have you been watching me?"

"Don't know, a while, an hour or two maybe more. You're so gorgeous when you sleep." She states and I can't help but smile. I'm about to lift myself up and get closer to her but she stops me.

"Don't. Please don't move." I'm a bit surprise by her request but I comply anyway. She has her subtle smile gracing her lips. "Have you rested well?"

"Oh yeah." I sigh contently and stretch myself in order to wake up. "It felt good, work wore me out those last days. You don't know how happy I am to have two days off."

"I can imagine, I know I'm happy you have two days off, because I missed you very much lately." She replied honestly. I just smile to her warm words.

She proceeds to tell what happened those last days when I wasn't here. We talk about Lindsey and everything about our domestic life. It's good to have a solid stability in life. It makes me feel like I was normal and it's good to come home to my family to something and not feeling lost or beyond things.

I like talking with Sara. She always says the good thing, not what I want to hear but the things that will make me feel understood. I think that before we didn't have that. Sure we were talking but now it's different. I confide in her without fearing to be naked – I'm making a figure of speech here. We're open to one another and we talk about everything. I talk about my past and I tell her things I never said to anyone, well even though she's not really at ease with it she talks about hers and answers all the questions I ask her about it. And it helps me to understand her turmoil when she has nightmares or crisis – although she tends not to have many of those now. I guess I'm learning to be intimate with her, it's like we were building our little haven of peace and love.

I feel privileged to know Sara, the real one. And I can put in words the feeling you get when you really someone. You feel on top of the word. To know Sara, to love her and be loved by her, are the best things in my life.

"…well we have to sign the papers over and I have to make the change of address at the post office and then the house will officially be 'home' for me." she says with a smile. She has decided to sell her apartment not so long ago, I was ecstatic – I still am.

"That's great. We should make some place for your furniture."

"Well, I give some of it to Robin, I send some back in California to my brother, so there shouldn't need too much space. I was thinking about giving one of the beds to Cake, I mean hers is practically to small even for her and soon she'll want something bigger."

"I'm sure she'll be happy about that." I say taking her hand in mine and kissing it "I can't express you how happy I am about you moving in for good." She just smiles and blushes.

I'm fully awake now but I enjoy myself too much to move. I could talk for long hours without needing anything else. I feel Sara staring at me intently. There's something new about her. There's this little playful sparkle in her eyes saying that she has a secret. She looks peaceful and at peace with herself, something I hadn't seen in a while. "What?" I ask her gently. She gets serious and right at this instant I feel like her intent gaze could see my soul.

"I've been acting weird lately I know. I know I've been confusing a bit. To be honest I was confused myself. I was confused about my feelings. I didn't know how I felt and it was getting to me. I mean… I feel… no I know I'm different ever since our great talk and it's like everything was new for me. And last week I had a little epiphany. I realized that I was in love with you."

I think my heart has stopped beating. It's the first time she exposes her feelings ever since we got back together. She loves me. Well I knew that, but hearing her telling me so is something different.

"It might seems surprising but this realization hit me like a ton of bricks. This love, was confusing me because I've never felt such a thing like that. My feelings are so strong and powerful and breathtaking… When I see you every breath I take is full of this tingling feeling and it travels my whole body making me shake with all this… passion, all this love for you. It's like my heart was ready to explode so much it's full of love for you. Sometimes I think, I'll never be able to contain so much love because this feeling grows everyday swallowing me whole but I don't care. It feels good really good." She chuckles.

Breathe Cath, breathe. It's simple, really, draw a breath in and let it go – how did I do that before?

"I've never loved anyone the way I love you. Hell, I think love is a too tiny word to actually describe what I feel for you, this burning feeling consummating me. Yeah, love is tiny compared to what you make me feel. Love is tiny next to my feelings. I love you with all I am, with every cell of my body, with all my soul, all my being, with all that is me. I love you with all I am. And I want to spend my life showing you what you make me feel because I want you to feel that too." She confesses with a huge smile. "I'm in love with you Catherine."

Wow, I've been waiting for this, and it's so much better than my imagination. I was afraid that things had changed for the worst. I was open with my feelings while she wasn't and it had me worried. But now… now… I don't think there are no words to describe what I feel right now. I'm glad I'm laying on the bed because I would have fall if I was standing, so much my legs have turned into jelly.

"Can I kiss you?" Sara asks. I'm surprised by her question, there's something so intent in her gaze that is scary telling me that this is going to be different from every kiss we had to far. I just nod in response not sure my voice would work. Sara comes closer and kisses my forehead, my eyelids, my nose, my cheeks, my neck and finally my lips. Her light kisses are just electric, burning my skin on her their path. I'm scared of my body reactions now, because if such light touches are having this effect on me I don't know if I'll survive to more.

"Can I touch you?" Sara asks not leaving my eyes. Ok her words has just send my heart into a big speeding loop. Once more I nod, I'm too focused on reminding myself to breath to speak. One of her hand gets in my hair and loses its way there. Then it comes to my face and caresses me delicately like I was a piece of art. I close my eyes at the touch. It is so intense. And the way she looks at me, so focused like she was touching me for the first time. She lets her hand traveling down my arms and gets her back up to my face again.

I've missed this. Her hands on me have always been the warmest caress ever. It's so good to feel her hands on me that I think I could cry just out of cheer ecstasy.

She leans in a kisses me more deeply this time. Oh my god. The combination of her kissing and touching is just… wow. She has set my body on fire. The sensations I get are tenfold, I never felt this before. I think the fact that I've missed her touch for an eternity makes it more intense. Her warm hand drawing my curves thoroughly and slowly, her tongue dancing sensually with mine. Gee, this is good.

She pulls back and looks at me with a look I've never seen on her before. "Can I make love to you?" She asks. My breath gets caught in my throat at her word. This is my undoing. I'm flying, swimming into pure pleasure just thinking about it. Can she make love to me? Is this a question at all?

Once more I eloquently nod. I haven't moved from an inch since she first touched me. But since my brain seems to have deserted me, my body isn't responding to me anymore. No right now it only responses to Sara.

She's settled on top of me while kissing me. She pulls back and looks at me with such an intensity, I wonder if I'll be able to handle all the passion I see there. I feel her hand getting under my top and I gasp as the warmth of the contact burns me. I think I'm about to have and orgasm just from this little touch. My breathing is labored as her hand caresses me gently and slowly.

She's kissing me deeply. I'm holding her tightly wishing I could touch more of her. My hands get under her shirt. I feel her taking a breath then she breaks our kiss. For a second I'm afraid to have gone too far too fast but the way she's looking at me, intently with a fire burning in her eyes tells me that I'm not the only one wanting more.

She straightens herself and she kneels over my legs. I follow her so I'm in a sitting position facing her. I lift my hands to the lapels of her shirt and start to unbutton it but my fingers are shaking too badly to actually to it. I look at her almost in distress at my inability to actually undress her, she chuckles softly. I want her so badly that I'm shaking. She stops my hands with hers in a gently gesture. She takes the sides of her shirt and ends up passing it over her head – that's another solution. She's not wearing a bra so her breasts are exposed, once more I forget how to breathe at the sight of her flesh. I have to say that I haven't seen this much of her in a long time and right now it's like I was seeing her for the first time.

Her attention is on me again. Her hands gets on her aim of my oversized shirt. Her hands are trailing a burning path along my skin while she pulls the shirt up over my head. Two seconds later I'm as topless as she is. One of her hands gets on my face gently tracing my features. Then her hand gets on my throat, on my chest and on my stomach in a very slow motion. I close my eyes focusing on the feeling of her hand on me. The heat of her hand gets closer to my breast before I feel her palm fully on it. I smother a moan at the sensation. Her other hand is on my hip holding close to her.

Then I feel her mouth on my neck, licking, nibbling, then she kisses her way up my jaw and kisses me once more. All the while her hands are gently caressing my flesh. I'm lost, invade by thousand feelings at the same time. I don't know where to focus my attention, on her hands, on her mouth, or on my breathing. All I know is that I want more, I need more.

My hands get blindly on the buttons of her jeans, making them pop one after the other. Once more she breaks the contact leaving me aching for her. She gets out of the bed and gets rid of her pants and underwear. As hard as it is to believe I had forgotten how beautiful she was. Once more I forget how to breathe at the vision of her naked body.

Then she on the bed again. This time she takes my pajama pants down kissing each of my legs on her way down. At this point I'm on my elbow watching her undressing me. Once our clothes are out of the way she hovers just above me. I can feel the warmth radiating from her skin burning mine although we aren't touching. She lowers herself and I moan as I feel myself liquefy with the skin to skin sensation. Sara's eyes are still lock with mine when her left hand starts to travel on my body, moving slowly from my thigh, my hipbone, my waist, caressing the side of my breast. Her hand cup my breast and massages it sensually.

My heart is beating so hard I'm sure she can feel it beat against her own chest. My skin is stinging with a new kind of heat. I never felt anything like this. My hands are on her back flexing reflexively so I'm digging my nails more or less deeper on her flesh.

Sara is looking at me, looking at my reactions. I'm panting and having a hard time not to moan. Then she lowers her mouth on my pulse point and sucks gently on it. When her mouth get on the tender spot behind my ear and that she starts nibbling at it gently a powerful orgasm hits me shaking my entire body, oh god. I close my eyes at the sensation gripping on Sara's back for dear life.

Wow, that's a first.

When I open my eyes again Sara is looking at me. If nothing I think she's as surprised as I am. Ok, this is a bit disturbing, she has barely touched me. It never happened before in our lovemaking, as a matter of fact it has never happened to me, period. I'm about to say something but she senses this and puts her finger on my lips shaking her head. Then she just leans down to kiss me deeply.

After a moment she starts her exploration of my body again. She licks my nipples and nips at it. Then she traces a path with her tongue down to my belly button. She kisses her way back to my toes and then her way up to my mouth. There's no part of my body she doesn't touch. I'm totally lost in the sensation, panting, moaning, whimpering. It's like she was sculpting the curves of my body with her tongue, with her hands, with her kisses, her gentle bites and caresses.

I'm burning from inside, she makes me feel something so powerful it's hurting me. I'm so lost in the sensation that I stop breathing with a cry when I feel her tongue in me. I grip the sheets on a death grip struggling to breathe unsuccessfully. I close my eyes tightly praying that I won't pass out. I bite my bottom lips as her tongue sends me in other spheres, high, very high spheres. There's a breaking wave of pleasure traveling every inch of my skin, giving me the sensation to fly. Just when I'm about to fall over the edge she slows down her ministration. I take that as an opportunity to take as much oxygen as I can in my lungs.

I'm throbbing, shaking like a leaf, waiting the little thing that will push me over. To my surprise, she starts to kiss her way up my oversensitive body. I shiver and shake at each touch of her mouth. When she gets to my mouth she's kissing me again her kiss is making me lightheaded.

She stops kissing me and caresses my face to make me looking at her. Then without any warning she gets in me, oxygen leaves my lung and I clung her shoulders so much I feel like falling.

Our eyes lock and at this precise moment I'm getting lost in her eyes, in the look of love she's giving to me. Her movements are slow, really slow, painfully slow. And I feel like there was a big ball of fire bubbling inside me, ready to explode and swallowing the both of us whole. We don't break eye contact just losing ourselves into the other. Then it's like everything has stopped. Like the world had stopped turning, the time had stopped passing. For one perfect moment there is nothing but this, nothing but us and this intense connection.

I take her face between my hands in a desperate motion. She flicks her fingers and makes me fall over the edge. And the fire ball just send burning wave of electricity and pleasure to my body. I've never experienced anything like this before.

Sara holds me tight with one of her arms and when I finally open my eyes I can't help the tears pouring from my eyes. I look at her intently. I feel her retreating her hand from me but I stop her movement with one of my hands over hers. She's a bit confused at my gesture, I just shake my head I'm not ready to get down on earth just yet. I need to share what I feel with her.

With one of my hand I take her neck and bring her lips to mine kissing her passionately, with the other I touch her. I feel her whimpering at the sensation.

It has always amazes me how generous she could be when it came to physical affection. She's so focused on giving me pleasure that she forgets her own desires. The very first time we made love it was like that, she gave me herself whole. But it won't be like that today, no because I want her to feel what I feel, to be there with me in the sphere of utter passion and love.

She moans and starts to have difficulty to breathe as I move in her slowly. Soon enough she mimics my movement with her hand. Once more we look at each other. The connection is more intense than a few minutes ago – if that's possible. I feel this urge to get under her skin and her to be under mine. I can see her features changing as she gets close to the edge, but I'm right here with her. Her eyes never leave mine.

We are literally one. If there's such a thing like the soul connection I know I'm experimenting it right now. I feel vulnerable and powerful at the same time. There are no more boundaries, there's no such point where her body begins and mine ends, we are one.

She gasps as her orgasm bubbles up from deep inside her. Our two bodies are in a pure osmosis and I know that I've never felt as close of another human being as I am from Sara now. Our bodies tense up for a second before a powerful orgasm hits us both at the same time, and we fall over the edge in one cry. Our bodies shakes, convulsing violently with the mind blowing sensation. When the burning wave of pleasure subsides and our bodies relaxed against one another I can feel her heart thundering against my chest in an erratic rhythm as a perfect echo of my own heart. We exchange a searing kiss - it has a bitter taste as my tears mingle in it.

She pulls back and looks at me lovingly "Hey there." Sara says gently whipping my tears with her thumb. I chuckle through my tears, I'm thinking about our very first time and just like then I feel like I was just reborn. She kisses me again. I keep her from moving aside me. I want to hold her right on my heart.

"Stay." I whisper as I feel her moving. She just nods with a smile. I hold her tight and breathe contently.

I don't think that 'happy' would do justice to my feeling right now. Now I know what she meant earlier when she said that love was a too tiny word to describe her feelings. I know that what we've just experimented is way beyond a simple fantastic lovemaking, more than a connection it was a real communion between our souls and love for each other. Love is a tiny word to express what Sara and I share., there are no words to describe that bound between us. They say that actions can speak louder than words, well I think we just proved that theory.

I drift into sleep with her whispered 'I love you', a bright smile gracing my lips.

xxxxx

I feel like a newborn. Amazing what love can do to you. I'm walking on a cloud and surfing on the waves of happiness. If it's possible I'm falling in love with Sara every day. I've spend this last week rediscovering her, and her body, enjoying the renew intimacy. She's really affectionate and physical again and I couldn't be more happy for this.

I feel a pair of hands circling my waist and a pair of lips kissing my neck gently. I can help but smile, tilting my head a bit to give more space to those soft lips. "What thought put that smile on your face?" Sara asks looking at our reflection on the bathroom mirror.

"You, actually."

"Really?" She says and I just nod in response. I earn a new kiss on my neck. "What about me?"

"I'm happy, you make me happy." I lean into her putting my hands over hers.

"I believe that's my line." She replies with a joking tone but I know she's serious. "I love this picture." She says with a wide smile, nodding at our reflection. "Do you know what I want?" I shake my head no. We're looking at each other through the mirror. "I want to wake up ten years from now and be able to have this picture again. Holding you like this, telling you how beautiful you are, telling you how much I love you, how happy you make me. Trying but failing not to kiss you, making you smile, and making you happy. Then I want to wake up another ten years later and still be able to have this picture."

Her words are blowing me away. Never a declaration has had such an effect on me. The meaning of her words is just overwhelming. She wants to spend her life with me. I'm not scared or panicked. Actually, I feel peaceful and really excited at this thought. "I want that too." I whisper looking at her in the eyes through the mirror. She gives me the full gap tooth smile that makes my heart flutter, and I'm glad she's holding me as I feel my knees buckle.

She puts on of her hands in her pocket and produces a little box. She puts in front of me. "Here, that's for you."

I take the box with shaky hands, while she sets her hands on my stomach again. "What is it?" I ask.

"There's only one way to find out." She simply says kissing my shoulder.

I open the lid of the box with a thundering heart and oxygen leaves my lungs as I discover the pendant and the gold chain inside. It's a blue gem stone cut in the shape of a heart and it's circled by a flat and thick gold ring.

"It's engraved on both sides." Sara whispers.

I take the pendant with my trembling fingers. Carved in the stone, there are the letter 'S' and 'C' entwine. On the ring are engraved the words 'I more than just like you. Love, always yours, Sara'. I smile remembering the first time I heard those words. I turn the pendant and find the letters carve in the heart again, but the words on the ring are different. This time it says 'I love you with all that I am, always yours, Sara'.

Wow.

"We've been through a lot to be where we are now. Those words symbolize the moments where it all begin, the two times. And the ring is for the infinity, because I won't stop loving you, ever." She says kissing my shoulder again.

I feel hot tears damping my cheeks "It's…beautiful." I say with a shaky voice, I try to open the chain to put it around my neck but my fingers are too shaky. She takes it from me and does it for me.

"Now it's beautiful." She states. I turn in her arms and proceed to kiss her senseless.

"You forgot to mention something about our picture earlier." I say with a smile.

"And what is that?" She frowns but yet smiling.

"Me, taking you back to bed to make love to you until you can't move." I answer pulling her by the collar of her shirt, guiding us to our bedroom.

* * *

**Well that was my second try at scene like this, I'm convinced a lot of practice is in order...**

**So **scubysnak**...Happy:p **

**As I have announced the next chapter will be the last (helas!...) so I might take a little longer just to be sure I make this one right.  
**

**Thanks for reading.  
**


	87. Chapter 87

**Hey everyone! First thanks for your reviews ;) you rock! Today's my 22th birthday so for the occasion I've decided to give you the last (fateful) chapter...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **Casara**, tell the Admiral that I'd connected the dots by myself when he first mention Final Fantasy...tell him not to worry about that,it actually made me smile :)  
**

* * *

**Chapter 87: Sara**

I'm in love.

It's strange really because it seems like nothing when you think about it but I'm in love. Yes, in love with Catherine Willows. I don't want to get too cliché or something but I know that I've found my soul mate. I've found the person who I can be myself with. The connection between Cath and I is a bond so strong that nothing could destroy it. And I know that there won't be anyone after her – I'll make sure of that.

I'm in love, and what's even better is that I'm loved.

I think about this year. My life has taken a 360° turn, it was a huge roller coaster and that ride was painful and draining but I don't regret it. It amazed when I think about all the things we've been through and where we are now.

I mean look at it, it all started with chaos. Cake ran away from home and then everything changed because of this event, this event was actually the catalyst of my new life. I met Nancy, I changed my relationship with Cath from coworkers, to friends and finally lovers.

It sounds simple when I say it but trust me it was everything but simple before Cath and I got together. As a matter of fact if I had made different choices I wouldn't be where I am now.

Oh but don't think that being together was a smooth ride. I learnt a long time ago that as far as Cath and I were involved there wasn't such a thing as simplicity. More than once I was close to lose her and more than once I have pushed her away for I was afraid that when she would know who I really was she'd give up on me. Then life threw pretty tough ordeals our way. I almost died twice and I almost went insane. Tough choices and sacrifices had to be made, they weren't easy but they were worth it.

I was in love once, with Travis and after him I thought that I'd never love again. And somewhere I was right I never loved again, not the way I used to love him. No, as a matter of fact I love Cath in a better, deeper, stronger way than I ever loved Travis.

From the chaos of this year of ordeals came out creation. Yeah from all this came out the love of my life, Catherine, then a family, and a home. I'd spent a lifetime running, pushing people away, kicking and screaming if need be not to trust anyone but myself. But this year I've learnt to let it all go and go with the flow even if sometimes it's against the odds and logic.

Life is unpredictable so there's no point to organize it, because just when you think you've figured it all out it turns upside down again. But then again that's the whole point of life, surprises and turns of event, I know I wouldn't have it any other way.

If someone gave me the power to change something, to erase something about this year, I wouldn't change anything. Yep, I wouldn't change anything at all. Because for all the pain and hurt, all the arguments and tears that have been shed, there was a beat of my heart pumping love and affection in my veins, happiness on the tip of my tongue putting a smile on my face. Everything, absolutely everything we've been through led me to where I am now. So no I wouldn't change anything for all the gold in the world.

I've found the place where I belong thanks to all those ordeals. I've found myself a home, and people to come home to and to love every day of my life. And I know that after all we've been through together, there's absolutely nothing Cath and I won't be able to face or fight. We're together for good, for the best and the worth.

I'm in love.

Love stinks sometimes, Love hurts a awful lot, Love is a killing disease, but for all the bad sides it's one of the most precious feelings and it always worth it, trust me.

xxxxx

"Cath?" I call her. I've been awake for a moment but since I feel comfortable with Cath clutching on my side I didn't try to move whatsoever. Her hand that is resting on my stomach seems to have a spirit on her own though because for the last five minutes it has been caressing my skin gently. I'm not complaining at all but it's a rather pleasant sensation, awakening all kind of desires in me. Since I don't get any answer from her I conclude that she's still sleeping – much to my dismay.

Her hands stops moving but it's a short lived break when the sneaky hand starts its exploration again. Only this time the caress is more insistent. Gee, somebody help! "Cath?" I call her again this time my voice squeaks a little.

"Hmm?" she breathes innocently.

"So you're awake." I state in a mock scolding tone. She just kisses my neck in response. She shifts her position so she has more room to kiss my neck as her hand starts to head up toward my breast. I have to found out how to breathe and soon.

"You don't like my touch babe?" She asks teasingly and I can feel her smiling against my skin. She knows exactly what she's doing to me.

"I just… I just… don't want you to start something… you won't finish." I manage to say. My ability to have coherent thoughts is disappearing fast, it always does whenever she touches me. As a general rule I have between two and three minutes before my brain goes dying in a gutter.

"Alright." She says as she stops kissing my neck. To my surprise though, she lifts my shirt higher and takes on of my nipples in her mouth without warning. Holy…

"Cath… Cake is… near." I try to reason her in a last heroic attempt. Yes heroic, because you can't possibly imagine the amount of resistance and strength it takes me make such an eloquent statement when she's touching me like she does right now.

"That's right, so you have to be quiet." She says with a devilish smile before getting her attention back on my breast.

"I…" I try once more but my two minutes limit has expired hence my brain being actually unavailable. Resistance is vain. I give in, and focus on her skillful mouth, biting my lips hard not to let any moan, whimper or treacherous sound escaping the prison of my mouth. The very last thing I want is for babycake to barge into our room because she hears someone screaming.

We have a rule, whenever Cake is around we stick up with heavy making out session, since we can be quite…vocal while making love. At least we used to because it seems that Cath is in mood for breaking rules today.

I grab Cath face and kiss her deeply and passionately. She straddles my stomach to get on top of me and gets me out of my shirt. Instinctively my hands get on her hips. It's not long before I get them under her shirt needed to feel her skin on mine. But she grabs my hands and stops their progression. She gets them out from under her shirt "Sorry babe, but we'll do this my way." She purrs in my ears before attacking my neck hungrily.

She pins my hands on each sides of my face, silently ordering me to let them here. When she senses that I'll comply to her request, she trails her hands down my arms gently leaving goose bumps on her way.

We both have a strong personality, and if there's one thing we have in common it's the fact that we always want to have things under control. When in our lovemaking it shows, we tease each other relentlessly until one of us gets the upper hand. Sometimes though – like right now, one of us takes the lead and the other follows. Today she has something in mind and she won't let me sidetrack her. I want to oblige but it's hard to let go my grip when I want to touch her and feel her so badly "Relax babe, just enjoy the ride." She tells me looking at me straight in the eyes. Her eyes are begging me to trust her and to let go, that she loves me and that everything is fine.

When she's sure that I'll follow her through she lowers her mouth on my stomach again. I close my eyes tightly, breathe, I need to breathe. She teases me, slowly driving me insane. Add to that the fact that I have to control myself not to make sounds I'm on the edge pretty quickly.

She lying between my legs and is removing me my shorts. She starts to kiss my legs on all their length, biting and nibbling here and there, always getting nearer from where I want her to be but then backing away letting me wait in frustration. I'm literally writhing in agony gripping the sheet with a death hold. I can't even beg her to stop her torture because I know that my voice would come out as a cry. I can't help the squeak passing my trembling lips.

"Quiet babe, remember?" she says with a mischievous smile. Easy for her to say, I'm sure she knows exactly what she's putting me through. Oh she'll pay for this…

I'm split in two. In one hand I want to let go and in the other I have to control myself like a maniac not to make any sounds. The contradiction of all this makes me feel everything tenfold.

She finally decides that I've been waiting long enough. Her gifted tongue starts to make me see stars, giving me a indescribable feeling that makes my whole body shake. I start to feel a very powerful orgasm coming from the pit of my stomach, I know I won't be able to keep it prisoner of my body though. I start to shake more violently, oh god, I'm going to scream at the top of my lungs so much this feeling is burning me from inside. I can barely breathe…Oh…My… GOOGNESS!!!

In a second of clarity I grab the pillow next to me and bury my face deep into it and release the most guttural sound ever.

Wow.

The pillow is taken from my face and a grinning Cath is looking at me. "You're ok?"

"Wow…" I whisper trying hard to find my breath back. There's the most idiotic smile on my face, but I don't care.

"Really?" She chuckles.

"Wow…"

"That good uh?" She teases me. She's happy with herself and I should let her know that payback is a bitch, but I'm too busy enjoying the afterglow of one of the best orgasm of my life – if not the best.

"Wow… it was just…wow." I reply with more eloquence. She just smiles before kissing me.

xxxxx

"Mom, Sara, are you decent?" Cake's voice resound from behind the door.

"Give us a minute." I answer quickly, as I start to fidget to find my top and shorts. "Cath, my clothes?" she giggles in response and bends at the foot of the bed to grab my clothes she had previously disposed of only a few moment ago. I dress up quickly "Ok you can come in." Cake's head pops out of the door and then disappears again. Two seconds later she comes in with a tray in her hands putting it on Cath laps and then goes out again before coming back with another.

"I brought you breakfast." She announces. Before putting the second tray on our bed. "Since yesterday you officially live here and for your first day of you being a member of this family, I wanted to celebrate this with a special breakfast." Cake says to me.

I hug her fiercely careful not to spill food "Thank you so much, I'm touched." I say honestly before kissing her forehead. She beams in response.

"Can I have a hug as well?" Cath teases her. Cake embraces her mother lovingly before cuddling against her. We eat our first breakfast as a family, and though Cake's culinary talents aren't the best, I think it's the best breakfast I've ever had.

Once we've finish Cath gets in the bathroom to have a shower while I help Cake to take the things back in the kitchen or what's left of it. I gasp as I see the state of the place. "Babycake, your mother will pass out if she sees that mess." I chuckles.

"I know, well cooking isn't as easy as I thought. Can you distract her for a moment so I can clean this up?" she begs me with puppy eyes.

"Distract her?"

"Yeah, go make out with her or something just keep her out of here for a moment will you?"

I shake my head in response "How much time do you need?"

"A good thirty minutes if not more." She replies.

"Copy." I just say with a wink at her before heading to the bathroom. Thirty minutes are more than enough for what I have in mind.

Once I'm in the bathroom, I undress myself and get behind Cath. Attacking her neck and teasing her breast within second. "God…" she gasps leaning into me. I can feel her weakening in my arms as her body starts to respond to my touch.

"Do you know what's the punishment for naughty, naughty girl?…" I ask in between kissing of her skin she shakes her head biting her lips "Naughty, naughty payback…" I answer my own question. She whimpers as my lips hit one of her weak spot "Quiet dear, Cake is near and awake…" she bites her lips harder to smother a moan.

Ooh I'm going to have fun. Like I said: payback's a bitch.

xxxxx

I got back to work two days ago after almost five months of absence. Grissom was so excited he hugged me, apparently Greg had wore him out. It was good to see everyone again, and to catch up with them. It's good to be back in the game, I feel like my first days on the job when I was eager to kick some asses.

"You look happy." Nancy states. We have planned on going to the theatre with Jeremy and Cake who are at a common friend right now. "I can tell it from the stupid smile on your face. Come to think of it, Cath is sporting the same." She giggles looking at Catherine then looking at me. Oh she thinks she's funny.

"You mean the one you have when you see Warrick?" I come back. She snaps her head in my direction with surprise and a red face.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She answers quickly.

"Oh come on baby sis, you're blushing every time we say his name." Catherine says from the island.

"Warrick." I say and watch Nancy blushing a little more.

"Warrick." Cath purrs and if it's possible Nancy blushes more. Cath and I both giggle.

"Beware, you could make a tomato jealous." I state. "Warrick." I say again and Nancy buries her face in her hands.

"Stop it!"

"Stop what?" Cath asks innocently.

"Fine, we've been going out now and then for a month, happy?" Nancy confesses.

"You mean as in dates?" I tease waggling my eyebrows.

"Shut up." Nancy says before punching me lightly in the arm.

"Somebody's having a crush." Cath adds laughing.

"You're breaking my heart buttercup." I say in a mock tone of hurt with my hand on my chest. Nancy sticks her tongue at me.

"Weren't you supposed to show me something?" Nancy asks Cath changing the subject.

"Right. Come on it's in the spare room." And with that the both of them disappear in the corridor.

A minute later someone knock on the door. I go opening it, finding Warrick on the other side. Well speaking of the devil…

"Hey Rick. How you doing?" I say with a cheery tone.

He watches me suspiciously. Then shakes his head. "I take from the shit eating grin on your face that you know." He says not pretending anything.

"I'm not a CSI because of my pretty face." I reply.

"I should have known it was why Cath asked me to come." He chuckle nervously, I just smirk.

"No actually it's for reminding you three things. Basically, she has Nancy's back, I have Nancy's back, and we're a terrific item as CSI so if you hurt Nancy nobody will ever know we did it or find your body for that matter, I mean it goes without saying." I state seriously counting on my hand.

"You're serious, aren't you?"

"Oh yeah." I beam.

He gulps "Copy, loud and clear."

"Good." I smile to him, patting his shoulder. "Buttercup, come on! We're going to be late!" I call. Laughing Cath and Nancy get out of the spare room. Nancy stops when she sees Warrick. And her blush strikes back.

"Rick, just in time. I'll start the coffee, we need to talk." Cath says beaming.

Nancy groans "I'm sorry." She mutters to Warrick.

Warrick chuckles "It's ok."

"Come on buttercup, we don't want to be late." I repeat before kissing Catherine goodbye.

"Ok, ok." She says then turns to Catherine "No embarrassing stories." She warns. She starts to get to the door when she gets back on her tracks and faces Warrick "I almost forgot." She says before kissing him. Though surprised he responds. Cath and I trade the same look, it's sweet.

When Nancy pulls back she's blushing but the both of them have a goofy grin. I look at Cath again and I know we're thinking the same, they got it bad. "I'll call you later." Warrick says.

And with that I head out with Nancy. I giggle until we reach the car. Once inside I look at Nancy who seems to be spacing out somewhere, I laugh. "You got it bad buttercup."

"Shut up!" She says punching my arm gently again.

xxxxx xxxxx

Almost four years ago I had the best idea of my life. I kissed Catherine Willows. Like I said I've never thought myself as a genius, but this was the brightest idea I've ever had. I kissed Catherine Willows, igniting a fire, wild and passionate, that hasn't stopped to grow ever since. I kissed Catherine Willows, the love of my life.

It has been hell to be where I am now, to have what I have now. How could I describe my life to you? There are some arguments, some crying and crises, because life isn't about rainbows, butterflies and roses every day. But there's a lot of laughing, and tenderness. There's a lot of dances in the kitchen, there's a lot of surprises and lovemaking – fantastic lovemaking, a lot of fantasies and so much more. There's a lot of love, oh yeah a lot of love. As a matter of fact there's a little more love everyday.

Anyway, like Travis said it's a long, painful and endless work in progress. But it's a pain I wish to anyone, because in my opinion it's the best job ever. Trust me as hard as it is, I've never been so happy in my life, I have someone to love who loves me back, I have a family and there isn't any sacrifice I wouldn't do to preserve this.

Three years ago, Catherine proposed me to adopt Cake. I've never been so honored, I mean that was a great display of trust and I've swore not to betray this trust.

I've never thought I would be able to have this because of my past and all my insecurities, but Catherine proved me wrong and I'm forever grateful for this.

Cake is growing up and turning into a beautiful young lady. I'm proud of her and I'm proud to be her friend and more. I made her discover Sweig this week. We read the books together so we can talk about it. In one of them – which title escapes me right now, Sweig says _'Getting old, in the end, is nothing more than stopping being afraid of our past'_. Well, I'm getting old with and thanks to Cath. And you know what? I'm happy for that.

"Honey, we're home!" Cath shouts from the entrance. I smile.

"I'm in the bedroom." I reply. I can hear Cake speaking a mile a minute all excited and then ask to make a phone call. A rather exhausted Catherine enters the bedroom and flops down next to me.

"She wore me out." She says with an exaggerated sigh. I chuckle in response.

"Come here, I'll give you a hug."

Catherine complies, kicking out her shoes and getting to my level on the bed. She gets into my arms "Can I have a kiss too?" She pouts.

"Sure you can." I answer before leaning in to kiss her. My hands get into her hair and her sneaky left hand gets under my top caressing my stomach. I can't help the giggle coming out of my lips. Cath pulls back with a questioning look. "Your ring is cold babe, it tickles me." I explain and she shakes her head. She gives me a quick kiss and leans her head on my shoulder, not removing her hand from under my top.

We share a content silence, happy to be together after hours of separation. "So did you find it?" I ask.

"Yes we did."

"How is it?"

"It's gorgeous and she looks like a princess into it. But you'll see for yourself tonight because she wants you to see it as well." She says kissing my neck.

"Let's hope Eric will like it." I say.

"He better like it because I ruined myself for this dress."

"It's her prom dress Cath."

"I know. You should have seen the look on her face when she saw it. I knew right then it was the one. I'm broke but I'm happy."

I kiss her crown. "Don't forget Warrick and Nancy are coming for dinner tonight." I remind her gently.

"Right, I have to find something to fix for dinner."

"I already did, I told you I'd take care of it. So all you have to do is resting a little until tonight." I tell her.

"Have I told you that I loved you lately?"

"I believe you did this morning. But that was a lifetime ago." I tease her.

She lifts her head up and look at me intently "I love you."

"I love you too." I say before kissing her again. This time she's the one giggling in our kiss, but I join her putting my hand over the one she has under my top.

"And I love the both of you as well." She says before kissing my belly where one of the twins has kicked.

There's one last amazing thing I haven't mentioned yet. Callum and his twin brother Colin are on their way to join our little family. I'm all excited about this and so are Cath and babycake.

Who would have thought I'd be here four years ago? Honestly? Not me. I guess the world truly is full of wonders.

My life is simply perfect, with all its little imperfections, it's truly perfect…

**THE END**

* * *

**That's it people. This story is officially finished ! I guess I'm into happy ending after all… ;) The quote from Sweig is taken from _'24 hours in a woman's life'_.**

**I'd like to thank all the readers and all the reviewers who took time to take interest on this story. I don't think there are words enough to express my gratitude to you, you are truly wonderful, you're the best readers and reviewers one can dream to have for their first story, really I've been blessed. I know that you gave me motivation more than once with your ever so kind, sweet and fun words so thank you everyone. I really enjoyed sharing this story with you, it was a great experience and really important to me. I hope you've enjoyed this ride just as much as I did.**

**I'd like to thank those who took time to review : **justicegrl, clarkson04, LadyBelle84, Uriel Falcon, starbuck 1985, csi7, BLah, Polarice, Thompson the Nemesis, neo-chef, Gryffindor620, Jenny70529, dolphin18paradise, chicks, CraZy-xClowN, CSISVUTWFBgurl, Maximilliam, omfg, Alison, miyuve, jiannaj, omfg skittles, One Who Reads Good Stories, gravitygirl183, nomoviescriptending, jbadia, The Water Fountain, icklebitodd, Alex mort, Admiral Andalite, goldentail, Angie, AnMaDeRoNi, AverageJoe, loveshouse, Doyle, Aemie, Seldomnaughty, Purejoy.Chik, flazeron, qt4good, …, aj, Axiegirl21, disharmony, Intergalactic smart-ass, laura1888, Kess, willowpowered, saya, KSUnsungHero, chawkchic,countrygurl261980

**I tried not to forget anyone but if I did please forgive me it wasn't intentional !**

Immi **thanks for exposing me your point of view and letting me know when I was cruel, for being patient and sweet ;)**

JoJo** : I loved having your insight about things, thank you very much ;)**

Chione : **thanks for taking time to review even if you have an erratic job, and thanks for the medical tips ;) (hope your pregnancy is getting on fine and wish you luck and happiness with that :) )**

El Gringo Loco **thank you for the tips when it came to the language, it was good to have a little help ;)**

Sara Lya **thanks for reading my story when you should have been working on your exams ( I hope you did good by the way) ;)**

ACertainJusitice** : 'Muchas gracias' for sticking up with me from chapter one, for practicing some foreign language with me and always being kind with your words ;)**

Chimp1984** : thanks for having the courage to read this story at work and accepting the fact now that your coworkers think that you're probably emotionally unstable and to let your family think that you were crazy ;)**

FloatingInMoon **thanks for letting me know that I could touch people with my poor and simple words ;)**

Madalyn** : I'm sorry for making you lose your sleep over this, thanks for all your sacrifice ;)**

Jackie** : thanks 'ab imo pectore' for making me feel special ;)**

ana **thanks for your french words they made me feel a little less alone ;)**

Casara** : thanks for threatening me with your Buster Sword when I was about to slack off or playing too much with you ;)**

Calixthe** : thanks for all your precious advices they really meant a lot to me, and they've been put at contribution ;)**

Z** : it was nice to have your opinion on the dynamic I had settled and know that your propositions are still on my mind for future references, thank you ;)**

bene **: you are my first reviewer ever and for that you have a very special place in my heart, thank you for being addicted to my story ;)**

**And last but certainly not least – I want you to know that, **scubysnak :** thanks for all the teasing, the advices, the blackmail (I must be the**** only person to say thanks for such a thing !) for making me laugh, pushing me and kicking my ass when need be, thanks for your 'subtle' hints and all ;) **

**I'm sorry I don't have a personal word for everyone, but know that I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support and kind words. All your opinion mattered to me and really guide me through my writing. I thank you for sticking up with me and this fic even though I was cruel or evil sometimes, or when I made you cry (I'm sorry about that), I'll never do you justice with words, my gratitude truly is deep and endless. I love you all guys !**

**This was my first story but I can say that it won't be the last. So it's not really the end, just the beginning :)**

**Je vous remercie tous du fond du cœur, je vous aime ! ;)**

**Thanks for reading, and see you guys soon. ;)**


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